Minute Maid ParkFriday, September 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, September 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Well, here it is. The moment we’ve been dreading. Craig Biggio is riding off into the hustle-colored sunset. Apparently hustle and the constant smog over Houston look a lot alike. Drawing the last preview of the year is both a blessing and a curse. This will be the preview you remember going in to the void.
Or it will be the preview you wish you could forget about all off-season… No pressure or anything.
Projected Matchups from Astros.comMondayJo Jo Reyes (1-2, 6.75) v. Matt Albers (4-10, 5.88)
Jo Jo Reyes. Man. His real name isn’t anything hard to pronounce or weird. Why the hell would you choose to go by Jo Jo if your name is Joseph? Seriously. Also, Jo Jo Reyes is the president of the
Matt Albers Look Alike Fan Club (non-goatee division)
(MALAFC).
Since this preview is all about Biggio’s Last (home)Stand, we’ll only be focusing on Craig against whichever schlub the Bravos are sending out to the hill. Bidge hasn’t ever faced Jo Jo, so there isn’t much to talk about here.
Fat Albers has given up 3 runs or less in 7 of his last 11 starts, and has a sparkling 2-6 record to show for it. In his 4 other starts, he’s given up 22 runs in 16 and a third innings. Ugh. Albers definitely has nasty stuff, and if he can get a harness on it, he’ll be a mainstay in someone’s rotation for a while.
Albers hasn’t seen much of the Braves: Teixeira has one hit in thee at bats, but that hit was a massive three run shibby. Francoeur has a hit in three trips, Renteria has a hit and a walk, and some guy I’ve never heard of named Kelly Johnson has a three run homer in his only plate appearance as well. The Ancient One (Julio Franco) rounds out the hit parade. The rest of douche bags are hitless against him.
2998TuesdayJeff Bennett (2-0, 2.75) v. Brandon Backe (2-1, 4.37)
I don’t have a fucking clue who Jeff Bennett is, but apparently he won the WCW Heavyweight Title in April of 2000, defeating Diamond Dallas Page at Spring Stampede… What? Oh, right. That was
Jeff Jarrett, who thinks you’re all a buncha slapnuts. Anyway, who gives a shit about Jeff Bennett.
Bidge has faced Mr. Bennett once, and worked a walk. So far, this idea hasn’t worked out very well.
Brandon “Sugar High” Backe has been bouncing off the walls since coming off the DL about 3 years earlier than anyone expected after Tommy John surgery. Backe has kept things pretty much under control, although not dealing “anything filthy” yet. He says he is learning how to get outs with inferior stuff, which can only help down the road I would think. Anyway, this will be Brandon’s 5th and final start for the season. Ending up .500 at least, if not better is a pretty big tally in the victory column for a guy that wasn’t supposed to be available until next year.
The Braves haven’t done much against Brandon. Tex is 2 for 7 with a homer and 3 punchouts. Chris Woodward (never heard of him) is 1 for 6. White-Trash Jones is 2 for 5 with a homer and a ponche. Other than that, Backe has completely blanked the Bravos.
NOTE: Biggio will play 1 inning at catcher this game,
according to Astros.com. No mention of if he’ll play in the outfield there.
2999WednesdayTBD (0-0, 0.00) v. Felipe Paulino (1-1, 10.38)
Tim Hudson was supposed to start today, but since the Braves pretty much shit the bed on their chances to make it to the post season; it looks like they’ll shut him down for the season finale. Good news for Bidge, since he’s 0 for 7 against Timmah. Allegedly, Chuck James will start instead. Chuck James sounds like the name of some shitty drive time DJ on a classic rock station.
Biggio, much like most of the bands classic rock stations play, has 2 hits off of Chucky J. Unlike most of those bands though, Biggio has only had 5 attempts. His 2 hits were a double and a dinger.
Felipe Paulino has been slapped around more than Whitney Houston. 15 earned runs in 13 innings. Yuck. Unlike facing Bobby Brown though, Felipe has managed to find a way to win one of his starts. Dude has nasty stuff, but hasn’t’ really figured out how to use it to get big league hitters out.
No Brave has faced Paulino. If I could have one wish in this world, it would be whichever pitcher is in for the Braves last at bat dotting Chipper Jones. That would make me happy.
3-0-0-0!Notable giveaways this series...
Friday Night: Biggio Rainbow Sleeve Jersey Tee-Shirt Giveaway to the first 20,000 fans. Also Retro Jersey off the back night, since the Good Guys are wearing Rainbow Sleeve Throwbacks. AND Friday Night Fireworks.
Saturday Night: Computer Mouse giveaway from AT&T for the first 10k. Biggio 90’s Jersey T-Shirt giveaway for the first 10k. AND, Saturday Night Fireworks.
Sunday Night: 2007 Astros Team Poster for the first 20k. Biggio “I Was There” Cards for everybody! AND, Craig Biggio Jersey Tee Shirts for the first 20k. What, no Sunday Night Fireworks? Thanks, Uncy Drayton.
Injury ReportWho Gives A Shit? It’s the end of the year. The Void is near. We’re all day-to-day as far as I’m concerned.
Our Interesting Things To Look For- One of my favorite Biggio Moments EVER: The Day Bidge Announces His Oncoming Retirement.
- The Void looms. The only things left to really enjoy are UT’s terrifying surfing of the line between elite football school and Arkansas State, Fantasy Football, Vince Young continually proving ESPN’s idiot brigade wrong on a week by week basis, and laughing at A&M’s idiot head football coach.
- If the Phillies manage to hang out and take the NL East from the Mets, I will dance a little jig. Seriously. I can’t think of anything shittier than the Goddamn Fucking Mets and the Son of a Bitching Yankees both in the playoffs. Vomit inducing talk of another Subway Series will soon start, and I’ll be forced to go into hiding until baseball season is over. I really don’t give a damn about any of the other playoff teams; but really, please please please keep the NY Media Sluts out of the World Series.
- It was good to see my High School teammate and friend Matt Belisle pitching so well in his last start against the Astros. Exactly what I want from a Matty B start. Strong pitching, leave before he has a loss pinned on him, and the bullpen chokes it away in the end to the Good Guys. A masterpiece!
Discuss today's game in the
GameZone.
And so ends my run at Series Preview writing for the year. I hope y’all enjoyed reading my bullshit as much as I enjoyed hastily throwing it together at the last minute. This has definitely been an interesting experiment for me, and I hope that the Powers That Be will have me back next year to keep writing. I know I’m not strosrays, and my epic writings usually involve more F-bombs than stories about neighbors baring their 34Ds, but I’ve been pretty happy with my work.
For the road:
Go crazy folks, go crazy!And lastly, just remember… No matter how bad the Void seems now,
it could always be worse.
