Shea StadiumFriday, September 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 8, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 9, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS
The Astros are having another dogshit roadtrip, or so I hear. After several days of fucked-up satellite receivers and fucked-up blackout rules, I haven't seen the Astros play in a week or more. But the stench is strong enough that I can smell it through the internet, so I'm just assuming dogshit roadtrip.
The cockslobber Mets have the best record in the league and the largest divisional lead. They're much better on the road than at home this year, mainly because they get to relax at so many airports. The Puerto Rican Whore is leading the team with 27 homers, and David Wright has 26. John Maine has 14 wins, but the Astros won't see him this series.
Also, the Stem can take their shitty blue-and-black USFL batting helmets and go pound them up each other's asses. It'll be like when Anna Benson was in town, but without so much lube and penicillin.
Notable giveaways this series:
On Saturday they're giving away Stem fleece blankets, which can be used to discreetly cover up while the Metrosexual in the next seat gives you a handjob.
Sunday is “Take Her Out to the Ballgame” Day, when they'll give away 25,000 man-purses that Mike Piazza left behind. If any Astros fans go to the game and get an extra Stem tote-bag, I could use one for cleaning the cat box.
Projected Matchups from Astros.comFridayWandy Rodriguez (8-12, 4.49) v. Mike Pelfrey (1-7, 5.43)
Wandy is 2-0 against the Stem with a 1.89 ERA. That includes a match-up in July when Wandy made the Mets lick his balls for nine innings during his first complete game shutout. Current Dicknoses have 86 at-bats against Wandy, but only 17 hits, which equals a sub-Mendoza team average. Carlos Delgado is their best hitter against Wandy, but he's hurt. Shawn Green has a homer off him, and the Whore is 3-for-8 with two doubles.
Pelfrey is only getting starts because El Duque has been hurt. He won last weekend against the Bandwagon after getting called back up. He had been sent down to AAA in early August after leaving a glistening slug-trail of suck that led directly to the All-Star break. He went 0-7 before getting the ticket to Norfolk.
Pelfrey is 0-2 against the Astros, with an ERA that's trying to give 8.00 a reach-around. Current Astros are 11-for-35 against him, with a homer from Berkman. Hunter Pence is 2-for-3 with a double.
SaturdayWoody Williams (8-13, 4.95) v. Tom Glavine (12-6, 4.06)
Woody is 5-3 against the Stem and had a no-decision against them earlier this year. Twenty-two current Metrosexual Emos have batted against him and they've gone 89-for-328 (.271). They've had 10 homers, but the only guy who's hit more than one is Delgado. Shawn Green is 16-for-47 (.340) against Woody, and Moises Alou is 15-for-48 (.313). The Whore has more strikeouts (6) than hits (5) against Woody.
The Uptight Sniveler is 15-11 against the Astros in 40 freaking appearances. Craig Biggio has a whopping 101 AB's against him with 25 hits, including five doubles, a triple, and two homers. He also has 13 strikeouts and 14 walks.
Chris Burke is 2-for-14 against Galvine, and Berkman is an abominable 2-for-18. Which sounds bad until you realize Brad Ausmus is 2-for-43 against him. Loretta, Lane, and Wigginton each have a homer off Galvine. Also I'm going to call him “Galvine” from now on because I mistyped it up there and I don't feel like going back to change it. Fuck Tom Galvine.
SundayRoy Oswalt (14-6, 3.35) v. Pedro Martinez (1-0, 3.60)
Oswalt hasn't lost since mid-July and he beat the Stem once already this season. He has a 5-3 career record against the ball-lickers. Current Stem only bat .223 (44-for-197) against Roy. Jose Reyes is 6-for-18, and Beltran is 5-for-12 with a homer. Shawn Green is only 3-for-19 against him.
Jeri-Curl beat the Dickities this week in his first start of the year. He's 5-7 overall against Houston, and his 4.16 ERA against the Astros is his second-highest against any team. Bidge is 12-for-40 against him, with a triple and six doubles. Lee and Burke have homers off him.
Injury ReportHouston – Jason Jennings is out until his next team opens training camp. Adam Everett might be back this month, and Stephen Randolph is out until whenever.
New York – Damion Easley, Jose Valentin, and Juan Padilla are out for the season. Orlando Hernandez, Carlos Delgado, Carlos Gomez, Duaner Sanchez, Ramon Castro, and the Head of Alfredo Garcia might be back before the end of the month, but not for this series.
Interesting Things- Look to see if that stupid red apple has its old luster, or whether it needs a good polishing. I have a hunch it's lost its glow since the Bensons left.
- So I went dove hunting last weekend for the first time in several years. I thought it would be a good omen when the directions to the hunting field said “turn off the interstate at the Remington ammunition plant.” But that must have been intended for the field next to ours, the one with grain and a pond that was leased by some rich-fucker hunting club. It sounded like Shock and Awe on that field, so I guess they had to run ammo convoys from the plant. My field saw limited action, and I was Ensberg-slow on the trigger. Though I did manage to hit a double with one shot. The next day was even worse, and I didn't even get the bat off my shoulder. The only excitement was when some kid shot a water moccasin. I named him Rookie of the Year and then he fell and broke his hand.
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