Astros (60-74) at Cubs (68-64)
Friday, September 1st, 1:20pm CDT-FSN
Saturday, September 2nd, 12:05pm CDT-KNWS
Sunday, September 3rd, 1:20pm CDT-FSN
Your newly enthusiastic and fortified Houston Astros roll into Wrigley for a three game set with the temporarily division leading Cubs. Chicago is a mediocre 5-5 over their last ten games but appear to be feeling their oats and spouting off a lot of cocky drivel about being in a pennant race, etc. Perfect timing for the annual summer rite whereby the hopes and dreams of pathetic Cubs fans everywhere are brutally eviscerated by that mean ass son of a bitch, the God of Baseball, in the guise in the next three days of your Houston Astros. It’s coming a little late in the season, but nevertheless, it’s here. Allah, akhbar!
Projected Matchups
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http://houston.astros.mlb.com/news/probable_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Friday
Wandy “El Mysterio” Rodriguez (7-12, 4.67) v. Sean Marshall, LHP (7-6, 4.04)
Wandy’s redeeming value this season has been his performance at home. That ended last Sunday with his torching by the Pirates at Minute Maid and now he’ll be in the friendly confines of Wrigley along with his sterling 7.80 road ERA. This could be bad. On the other hand, Chicago hasn’t exactly had a stellar record this season against lefthanders. Marshall has been up and down this year (heard that before?) but was effective in his last start versus Arizona. Two left handers with suckage issues and the wind blowing out could mean a passel of runs. Or, something. Vegas is taking this one off the board.
Saturday
Troy “The Hope” Patton (0-1, 4.76) v. Jason Marquis, RHP (10-8, 4.26)
Patton took the loss last Saturday but he really didn’t look bad, showing a lot less ass than the guy he replaced. It could be fun watching how the rook does at Wrigley with the Cubs in a pennant race. He’ll be facing the veteran Marquis who has a good home record at 7-3. Marquis was a Brave and a Cardinal and is now a Cub. That means in Hell, he’ll drink warm Budweiser from Harry Carrey’s navel while wearing cut off jeans and a halter top. Every day.
Sunday
Woody “The Weasel” Williams (8-13, 5.04) v. Rich Hill, LHP (8-7, 3.68)
Williams, the sneaky little shit, had been throwing pretty damn good until his clocking at the hands of the Cards on Tuesday. Prior to that start, he had won three straight. The key for Woody is to not actually throw a ball anywhere near the plate unless he has first performed some type of optical illusion temporarily preventing the hitter from completely crushing the junk he’s tossing. He had luck with that the other night until Duncan’s kid took him about three miles deep. Apparently, Duncan was nipping off the old man’s flask and didn’t pick up on the card trick and voice throwing Woody was performing. Them’s the breaks. Rich Hill is a pretty good left hander but is pitching in a Cubs uniform in September. He’s toast.
Giveaways
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http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/schedule/promotions.jsp?c_id=la)
Show up on Saturday at Wrigley and be one of “100 random winners” for an iPod nano. Cheap bastards. Sunday they’re giving out autographed baseballs to “500 random winners.” There they go again with that random shit. It would be nice to hijack the baseballs and write “Avoid the Clap, Mark Grace.”
Injury Report
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http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/team/injuries.jsp?c_id=is)
Soriano was activated on Tuesday and will be kicking around balls in left field. Tocayos, Angel Pagan and Angel Guzman are on the DL and spending all of their spare time tapping their feet at a Midway Airport men’s room.
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http://houston.astros.mlb.com/team/injuries.jsp?c_id=is)
The death march that was Jason Jennings finally ended with the triumphal announcement of his torn flexor tendon. Bells rang, men cried, cattle were raped, women slaughtered, etc. to celebrate not having to watch his fat ass shot putting that awful shit toward home plate for the rest of the season. Otherwise, he joins fellow hurler Stephen Randolph out with a knee issue along with a nagging case of Keep-the-Goddamned-Ball-Downitis which is going around a lot this year. Everett is still gimping around and may be back in September. Sampson was just activated at the expense of Travis Driskill. So long, Travis and enjoy the lovely parting gifts. Hopefully, Sampson doesn’t cry as much now with Wheeler gone and can make it through an inning or two. Backe is still a throwin’ and a hopin’ to git back into the war so he kin kilt some Yankees or other critters and could be back with his regiment by Saturday. The bloated, swollen carcass of Rick White last seen being picked over by scavengers in the Minute Maid parking lot mysteriously resurrected itself into a Seattle Mariner uniform. This means that anyone reading this has a shot at a relief gig come late August. Desperate times. Hector Gimenez is still out with his labia issue but has hired on as a creative consultant for “Dr. 90210.”
A few items:
Alarmed to find that fluoride was in children’s ice cream being served at Minute Maid Park, owner Drayton McLane fired Garner and Purpura, before launching his entire fleet of 18 wheelers against the ICBM complex at La Puta. Not stopping there, he ordered the seizure of transistor radios from Astros front office personnel and the base to be sealed. Pam Gardner remains on in her role of “Baroness Queen” of the franchise along with her vast assortment of frocks and testicle collection. Tal Smith was found stored in a closet and was dusted off and made the interim GM. Disappointed to find that Samuel L. Jackson was on a film set in Tahiti, McLane discovered that Cecil Cooper worked for the team and was pigment enhanced—perfect timing. Apparently, some people are put off by these moves, declaring McLane to be “rash” or unduly influenced by fan and media sentiment. I say this man has to run a business. This is goddamn capitalism, people, not some mamby pamby Whole Earth Hippie Provision Co-Op Marxist Global Peace corner store in goddamn Montrose! Let The Man work! You want enthusiastic players, don’t you? You want to be entertained, don’t you? ARE YOU ENTERTAINED?
Okay, Garner and Purp are done. Phil watched some just flat out horrible baseball this season and is probably happy as the proverbial puppy with two dicks right now, sipping an umbrella drink somewhere while drawing full pay from Uncle Drayton. It’s Purpura that is really the biggest casualty. The guy was the prototypical organizational grunt for a long time before getting his break. Speaking of breaks, he had some shitty luck—getting tooled over by the White Sox in the ill-fated Garland deal, Jennings crippling himself, draft picks and their uppity parents playing stupid, along with the team just plain going into a collective death spiral of suck—nothing worked. I hope he lands somewhere and has something positive happen for him. He’s a good man.
Picking up on JackAstro’s game summary, we could be on to something with Cooper if he makes a few adjustments. Namely, he needs to grow a goatee, an aggressive Afro, and wear dark shades 24 hours a day. A cigarette in the corner of his mouth would help. Never smile. Scowl a lot. He’d scare the shit out of all the white players, and there wouldn’t be any of this loafing around not running out ground balls shit. Of course, Burke would be too frightened to move and would just sit on the bench and urinate on himself. Might not be bad.
Biggio is about to be sole holder of #5 on the all time doubles list. That’s pretty damn impressive. Borrowing his favorite word, it’s “nice” to see the send offs he’s receiving from opposing teams and as said many times before, it’s hard to believe we’re seeing the last of him on the field. I’m issuing a fatwah against pitchers throwing him sliders low and away for the remainder of the season.
Berkman is hitting and pounding those Little Debbies between innings. Caballo likes Wrigley. Biggio wants to go out big in his favorite park. The Cubs’ sphincters are tightening. It’s September. Could be fun.
Astros, 2-1.
