Padres (54-46) at Astros (44-57)
Minute Maid Park
AKA “The Juice Box”
Thursday, July 26, 7:05pm-FSN
Friday, July 27, 7:05pm-FSN
Saturday, July 28, 2:55pm-FOX!!!
Sunday, July 29, 1:05pm-KNWS
Los Padres begin a four game pasear with our boys, feeling a little out of kilter after losing two out of three to Colorado and seeing their setup man and Morgan Ensberg’s illicit love interest, Scott Linebrink, shipped to the Brewers. They’re sitting one game back of the Dojers in a tight NL West race and could be feeling just a tad bit of the old pre-stretch drive pressure in taking on a Houston club that appears to be playing a little looser these days. All-star righthander Chris Young may be headed for the DL, adding further complications to their current watery bowels.
The just completed series victory by the Astros over the division leading Dojers is arguably the highlight of the thus far dismal 2007 campaign. After a brutal butt kicking by Jeff Kent and the Angelinos in the first game, Houston rallied for thrilling wins in games two and three behind B-G-O’s epic slam and El Caballo’s all around display of hitting, fielding, and thievery on the basepaths. As encouraging were Jennings’ suck up and pitch performance in game two and Albers’ display of some serious stuff with great command in game three, along with Lidge bringing the filth on both nights. Good times. Though PENCE!!! and Everett are down and Oswalt needs a jump, it’s never too late to spoil someone’s party and the next four games present a wonderful opportunity to do just that.
Projected Matchups
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http://houston.astros.mlb.com/news/probable_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Thursday
David Wells, LHP (5-6, 4.57) v. Wandy Rodriguez, (6-9, 4.46)
Boomer Wells and his intestines go against Wandy in a match up featuring old and new lefties flailing away in an age old baseball demonstration proving that being able to throw left handed and having a pulse will generally keep your sorry ass in The Show. Really, though, Wells is still game even though he’s well past his prime and seconds away from an exploding aorta. Our boy, Wandy-Pop, continues to have on the field personality issues, typically manifested by changing from a nice and responsible young man methodically working his way through the opposing lineup into a 175 pound pile of reeking goo—usually around the third or fourth inning. Two straight shitty starts for Wandito, so it’s about time he does a cajones check in order to assure that Moeller will spend the evening doing crossword puzzles or studying for his real estate exam.
Friday
Jake “Sweet Home Alabama” Peavy, RHP (9-5, 2.47) v. Woody “Bobcat” Williams (5-11, 5.03)
Though he’s lost four out of his last five starts, Peavy is still The Shit, and sho can bring it. He’s going against Woody, who threw a helluva game his last time out, baffling the Pirates over eight innings with his repertoire of 82 mph fastballs, dippy curves, voice throwing, and sneaky use of a hidden remote fart machine near home plate. Greg Marmelard couldn’t hold a candle to Woody. But, Williams will need some help in holding down the Pads with what Peavy will most probably bring to the mound that day. Possibly, he could look to current malingerer Roy Oswalt for some help. Oswalt and Peavy are hunting buddies, so it’s reasonable to assume Roy knows some of Jake’s strengths and weaknesses in the great outdoors that escape most baseball observers. For example, Peavy may be fond of Tink’s Number 2 Skunk Scent, or maybe their best seller, Doe in Heat. All it would take is for Woody to spread a few drops around the mound and with a casual whiff or two, Jake’s mind would be fucked up for the rest of the day, thinking about being in his favorite tree stand, or taking a good country shit beside a log. Something to consider, anyway.
Saturday
Gregg “Sniveling Bastard” Maddux, RHP (7-7, 4.11) v. Chris Sampson, (7-7, 4.29)
Sure, he’s a sniveler, but the son of a bitch comes to play and has won one or two games over the years. The scouting report says he has picked up some movement on his pitches as of late, which is sterling news for Astros “hitters.” It’s really a good match up on paper in that both Maddux and Sampson have amazingly similar records this season and have somewhat familiar styles. Sampson does well if he keeps the ball down (amazing concept) and his sinker is sinking instead of simply sucking. Say that a few times. The game will be broadcast on FOX!!! A post game rebuttal will be aired by CNN. Check your local listings.
Sunday
Chris Young, RHP (9-3, 1.82) v. Jason Jennings (2-6, 4.74)
We may not see Young—latest gossip is that he is going on the DL with that oblique shit that’s going around. Goddamn frogs. Anyway, the Pads are thinking about bringing up Mike Thompson from Portland, where he’s been pitching pretty good while smoking dope and listening to alternative music in his spare time. Kind of like a lot of TZ participants, minus the pitching part.
In his start against Los Dojers on Tuesday, Jennings surrendered three runs early but was able to stop the bleeding—a special something that Drayton is paying him to do. It will be interesting to see if he can build on that success again—or if he and his big ol’ butt will get rented out prior to the trading deadline to the Braves or some other team. Stay tuned, which will be challenging considering that Sunday’s game will be broadcast by the 13 volt KNWS, alternately operating between Vidor and Nuevo Laredo.
Giveways
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http://houston.astros.mlb.com/schedule/promotions.jsp?c_id=hou)
Thursday you get an insulated lunch bag, courtesy of the Methodist Hospital. I was born a long time ago at the Methodist, before insulation and when lunch bags were a dirty cotton haversack filled with moldy salt pork and hardtack, along with a faded love letter or two from Polly or Molly, or maybe Mary. I don’t know—all those Civil War era chicks run together.
On Friday, everyone gets a Santa Hat. They’re probably too flimsy to hold vomit for very long, so go easy on pounding the Budweiser.
Saturday is the big kahuna with the much awaited Oswalt Bulldozer Bobble. Roy looks a little bit demented atop the thing and we wouldn’t be too surprised to learn one day that a revenuer or two have found themselves on the wrong end of his dozer back in Weir. You look for things to do out in the woods.
Sunday you get a Biggio & Bagwell T-shirt. My solemn hope is that I never see one on a guy being handcuffed outside of his doublewide/meth lab on “Cops—The Golden Triangle.” One can only dream.
Injury Report
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http://houston.astros.mlb.com/team/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Except for Young, the Padres are as pert as a ruttin’ buck and ain’t got nobody on the list. Lucky bastards.
PENCE!!! went down with his wrist thingy after rolling around at second searching for that lost shaker of salt or trying to break up a double play or just generally doing some hustling stuff. Anyway, he’s probably out through August, though he’s surely a fast healer with his wholesome lifestyle, good grooming habits, and all the living at the foot of the cross (Biggio) that he’s doing. We all look forward to seeing him back out there with his pants/hair on fire. Meanwhile, Oswalt decides to pull some random goddamn something or other in his chest and has become too damn uppity to hook up the jumper cables to fix it, now that he’s got his big ass contract, the cracker. He’s out for a start or two. Lidge was down with a strained oblique (the frog sounding shit that most Houstonians fortified with grease and excellent fried foods simply don’t have), but is back and throwing that filthy ass nasty shit that makes us all happy-like. Rick White was hurt, ate a bunch of sausage, then came back and was awful and was hauled out back and shot. Probably for the best. Everett is still out from getting plowed by The Lard Butt of Panama, and is still reporting pain when he runs. Wait till you get to be forty-five or fifty, Adam, and then we’ll talk pain. Ball Product is a throwin’ and a pitchin’ and a runnin’ and wants to be gittin’ into this fight before all the shootin’s over. The Astros probably won’t rush that. Giminez still reports labia discomfort and is mainlining Midol. He likes pillows and is anxiously awaiting Oprah’s next book recommendation.
What’s more to be said about Biggio after these past several days? The announcement, the recollections, the review of a career seldom appreciated or acknowledged for its greatness—a man we saw largely through the years from his stoic public persona and canned interviews offering us insight into the passion and compassion he has for the game, his teammates, his family, and for his fans. All topped off by a classic Biggio turn on a pitch left fatally inside that for those who have watched him through the years seemed to come in slow motion—we knew, KNEW that swing of the bat was bound for Crawford Street and for glory, and had time to take in that exquisite feeling of our guy in that moment giving us all a wonderful night that will never go away. That homer, the shot off Wagner, the many sparkling plays he made down the years will be forever special. But, I won’t think of Craig Biggio so much for the many single moments, but simply as the guy with the hustle in his step and with purpose on his face. One hundred percent in every game, in every season.
Other Stuff:
As often pointed out on the TZ, the FSN postgame needs some work. Kevin Eschenfeldnenterer sports that perennial “guy who likes cruising high schools” look and generally creeps out the thing. Glen Wilson and Bobby Tolan beg the simple question, “Why?” Have they ever said anything of value? Tolan is a goddamn Red Leg of all things. Surely, there are other folks in the Houston area that once occupied a spot on a major league roster and are otherwise sober and can get a pass out of their halfway house. Jimmy Wynn? Uhh. If the brains at FSN had a clue they would toss the post game straight from Brown and J.D. to Footer. She’s got game and looks a heckuva lot better than Wilson’s sorry ass.
I have a strict policy of not calling “calf rope” on the Astros, as they have proven many times that “sportswriters” and fans don’t know shit about what does and does not make a team hum. But, it ain’t looking too good for our boys this season and we’re getting to experience a little of what other franchises look at *every* damn year. The fun part that one can take out of an otherwise shitty season is the development you see in up and comers and we’re getting a good look at the progress and setbacks that young players experience once they’re in the big leagues. Albers is a great example, and of course PENCE!!! has been thrilling to watch, for many reasons. It’s also exciting to contemplate what possible moves the team may make between now and the deadline—who may go, who stays, and what bundles of potential joy the team gets in return. We’ll see.
The clowns at the Chronicle asked why we should continue watching the team and queried Drayton and all of us for five reasons. Here are mine:
1. It’s my team.
2. It’s my team.
3. It’s my team.
4. It’s my team.
5. It’s my team.
Crockett said “You can all go to hell, I’m going to Texas.” I say, “Stick your Red Sox hat where the sun don’t shine, you front running dips—Go Astros!
Astros sweep the Pads and pound the hell out of that old Budweiser. 4-0.
