You ain't from round here...are you?
No, you're not from Texas. Baton Rouge and Dayton respectively. You weren't born here. You didn't make your marks here. And now you don't even live here anymore.
You are both New Yorkers. You always were, and we knew that, but now it's official again. Good for both of you. You deserve it. Big city, bright lights, adoring fans who will bow to you in the owner's box. Enjoy.
I hated both of you for years.
Alice, I hated you from the beginning. You were the Constant Yankee during all those years I was in high school and college and I couldn't fucking stand you. Every fucking postseason or so, I had to be reminded of you and your Yankeeness. Hell, I didn't even know you were "from" Houston (well...Pasadena) until a few weeks before you signed here a few years back. You're a twat. I never liked you. When you signed here, I was happy to have the quality arm (or so I thought), but I said THE DAY YOU SIGNED, "he'll always be a Yankee. He could win 4 rings here; he'll always be a Yankee." I could find the email to a fellow Astro fan that day with that quote, but it'll take me a little while to find it. And I was right. You're a fucking Yankee. You'll always be a fucking Yankee. And for that reason alone, I'll always hate you.
Rocket, you were always a cocksucker. I hated you as a RedSox. I hated you as a Jay. And I despised you as a fucking Yankee. You whiny, bitchy, prissy, polesmoking, laughable jackass pussy ego-driven prom queen fairy. You're from Ohio. Let me get out my map here. Ohio...Ohio...Ohio...no. OKLAHOMA, that was the O-state that borders Texas. Shit! Ohio is WAY UP HERE. Fuck! It's not even NEAR Texas. You're not a Texan! You're a Yankee, through and fucking through! You pussy. Retire to get all the press. Un-retire to get all the press. Hold out to get all the press. Everything is such a production with you.
Thanks for the pitch to Rolen in Game Seven. Thanks for the season on the DL. Thanks for the 1st half of shitty pitching. Thanks for wasting all our fucking time in April and May last year. Thanks for all the whining and complaining; I know you didn't do it to the press. Oh wait. THAT's right. Andy DID complain to the press last year about the run support. Whiny fucking whore. Enjoy the Yankee lineup, you bitch. Did this ever occur to you...if you didn't get enough run support, that only means the OTHER pitcher found a way to allow fewer runs than YOU. Be a man. You flappy, drippy, festering twat.
I hope they find a way to test for HGH. I hope the Yankees continue to suck, even WITH you guys. I hope you get to watch the Astros this October from HOME...in NEW YORK.
You've gone home, Yankees. Now stay there.
