Astros @ Co-ards – “I Hold The Future In My Fingertips…”
New BuschFriday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 5, 12:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 6 1:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Due to the lack of time I’ve had to write this preview, I decided to consult my oldest and dearest friend,
The Magic 8 Ball for help in predicting this series. When I asked The 8 Ball if people would like this idea, it said, “Most Likely Not.” This is going to be a long and irritating series preview...
Projected Matchups from Astros.comFridayWoody Williams (0-4, 5.66) v. Adam Wainwright (1-2, 6.14)
Due to an apparent sinus infection, Woody has been moved up to take Sampson’s place tonight, moving Albers to Saturday and Sampson pushed back (tentatively) to Sunday afternoon. Obviously, this led to some quick cutting and pasting, so if you see a sentence in there that doesn’t make sense, blame it on Chris Sampson’s fucked up sinuses.
Wainwright mowed down the Good Guys in his last start, going 7 innings while giving up 5 hits and one run in early April. After dominating the Piroots in his next start, the wheels started coming off. He gave up 4, 7 and 6 earned runs in his next 3, leaving him with a sparkling 6.14 ERA. In 2 home starts at New Busch, Wainwright has given up 10 earned runs in 10.1 innings, earning an even more dazzling 8.71 ERA and an 0-2 record. The Astro hitters have limited at bats against Adam, with Mike Lamb (2-4), Craig Biggio (2-5), and Lance Berkman (2-7) having decent success against him. Notably, Morgan Ensberg is a 0 for 6 and El Kabong is 0 for 3.
Williams has settled down in his last few starts after getting roughed up pretty good at the beginning of the season. Holding the opposition to 3 runs in his last two starts, with 6 and 7 innings pitched respectively, Woody may finally be hitting his stride. On the down side, Woody is 0-2 on the, road sporting a 5.92 ERA. He’ll be looking to bring that number down some against Cards batters that have had mixed results against him. On the good side: Dicknose Pujols (3-5), Preston “My swing is uglier than the schnoz on Owen” Wilson (6-17), Aaron Miles (4-10), and that Asian outfielder is Soooooo Taguchi (2-2). Sucking versus Woody: Anaheim Jimmy Edmonds (4-22), Scott Rolen (2-19), and Gary Bennett (1-10).
So, Magic 8 Ball, will Woody Williams have a good outing tonight?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “Yes”
Magic 8 Ball, will the Astros get a win for a starting pitcher other than Sampson and Roy this series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “My Sources Say No".
Well fuck. I guess you can't win 'em all.
SaturdayFat Albers (0-1, 5.02) v. Kip Wells (1-5, 5.56)
Wells’ story could be called “Wainwright Part Deaux”. After a nice start, including 7 shutout innings against
Lance Berkman and his Whiffle-Bat Posse, Wells has self-destructed of late. Apparently, giving up 7 earned runs per game is not a recipe for success, as Kip has proven in his last 2 starts. Kipper is 0-3 with a 6.11 ERA, which I’m sure NEVER would’ve happened at Old Busch. Damn new ballparks and their inability to prevent Kippy from sucking. Astros have seen a ton of Kipster: Mike Lamb (5-16), Fat Elvis (9-29), and the surprising Brad Ausmus (7-24). On the minus side, Craig Biggio (10-37) has ponched 10 times in 47 Abs against him, Jason Lane is 1 for 10, and Luke Scott is a big fat 0 for 3.
Albers got shelled his last start, but the two previous starts were both of the decent variety. Sporting a 3.75 ERA before his Cincy meltdown and a 5.02 ERA after. Funny what 6 earned runs in 2 and one-third inning will do to the ol’ Earned Run Average. If Albers keeps the ball down, he’s pretty nasty. If Albers struggles with location, look out. Matt has never faced the Redbirds, so I’ll just use this space to ask the 8 Ball some more entertaining questions…
Will the Astros win the division this year?
8 Ball Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good
Will the Astros win the wild card this year?
8 Ball's Final Decision: Absolutely!
There you have it, folks. Nuts to Kevin and his prognosticating! The 8 Ball says we’re the Wild Card! So take it to the bank!
SundayChris Sampson (3-1, 3.55) v. Braden Looper (3-2, 2.84)
So, if you’re at all like me, when you heard Braden Looper was going to start for the Redbirds this year, you laughed until you ruptured a kidney. Well, guess what? We were both wrong. Looper has been the best option on the hill for the Cards this year with Carpenter out. Other than an awful outing against the Brewers earlier this week, Looper has given up 3 or less earned runs a start. His ERA before the Brew Crew game was 1.91. Hopefully the Brewers cracked his fragile ego, and Braden will melt down like Tim Redding with a one run lead. Twinkie and Iceberg are both 4 of 8, Lamb is 3-8, and Saint Biggio is 4-12. On the sucky side, Ausmus (1-11), Mr. Peepers (0-5), and Luuuuuke (0-2).
Sampson sprang back to Sampson-esque form after getting bombed in Philly, dominating the Brew Crew for 6 and a third while only giving up one run. Chris has very limited numbers against the Cards, facing only his Cocksmokeyness, Albert Pujols. Albert is 0 for 1 against Sampson in his career. Aside from the previously mentioned start against the Phightin’ Phils, Chris has given up 2 or less runs in every start.
I asked the Magic 8 Ball if the Astros would win this game. It’s response, “Ask again later”. So instead I asked my useless coworker who works on computers all day to front for his night-gig as a typical Austin musician, Frank. Instead of responding to the question at hand, Frank asked me if I liked the Doors.
I punched him in the face and decided to ask the 8 Ball again.
8 Ball's Final Decision: Outlook not so good.
Notable giveaways this series...
Saturday is Mini Bat Day, and Sunday they’ll be giving away AT&T Lapel pins. Yee-fuckin-haw.
Injury ReportHouston –
Sixteenth Verse, same as the first! Jennings still out with tendonitis. Backe and Giminez both on the 60 day DL. Lets kick it over to our future-telling friend again.
Will Jennings recover from his tendonitis and pitch again for the Astros?
8 Ball's Final Decision: No Way!
Ouch.
STL –
Carp is still on the DL with swelling in his right breast… Err, Elbow.
Our Interesting Things To Look ForSo, last time I did a preview, I did an El Kabong themed Interesting Things To Look For, and he went into a slide that ended about 2 days ago. So, I’ll go ahead and feature someone that already sucks, as to try and propel them into decentness.
Our Interesting Things To Look For… Jason Lane Edition!- Jason has 5 extra base hits on the young season, 4 of which are home runs. Normally you’d be excited by that, until you notice that those 5 extra base hits are half of his total hits, and he is batting a salty .217. On the bright side, his slugging is .500! Wow!
- Lane has only one multi-hit game so far this season, and it only took him 8 at bats in the game to do it. Against the Pirates on April 25th, Lane hit 2 singles and drove in a shocking 0 runs.
- Jason has played in a total of 23 games, broken down as such:LF-1, CF 9, RF 10, PH 3.
- Making a list about a player that is sucking hind tit this year sucks. Unless he breaks out beeegtime, I won’t be doing this again…
At this point it would be retarded of me (and Alkie might just kill me) if I don’t recommend you go out and buy
The Impossibles Anthology. Not only is the song Eight Ball awesome, this whole CD is full of all kinds of awesome Punkish Rock.
In closing, I decided to ask the 8 Ball just a few more questions:
Will the Astros sweep the series?
8 Ball's Final Decision: My Sources Say No.
Will the Astros take 2 out of 3?
8 Ball's Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good.
Will the Good Guys win A game in the series?
8 Ball's Final Decision: Ask Again Later.
At this point I’ve decided to go buy a real Magic 8 Ball and break it, just for good measure.
The Magic 8 ball says “All Signs Point to Yes” when asked, “Will the readers enjoy the games more if they discuss them in the
GameZone?
Edited to fix game times.
