Oh yeah, Opening Day. Finally! This winter has been longer than a Morgan Ensberg home run drought. All I could do was sit and stare while the days crawled by.
We're going to pump some new blood into the Series Previews this year, since I was getting kind of worn out and flaccid. In lieu of purchasing a cock-ring and several eightballs*, we've enlisted a full rotation of writers this year. We have a rotation of Taras Bulba, MRaup, and strosrays, with me and Foghorn in relief. So get ready for some book-larnin'.
Anyway ... baseball!
The Astros had an eventful offseason. They're so happy about Jennings and Lee that the Grocer is sporting a new Woody. Starin' Andy went back to the Yankees, because they were stupid enough to think he can put in two more full seasons. In the annual Spring Rogerpalooza Tour, Clemens is waiting to see who among the Astros, Red Sox, and Yanquis sucks less balls at the end of May. So who the fuck knows. Go ask Alice.
As for the Pirates ... well, you know. They picked up that LeRoach guy from the Braves. Dirty Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but he's starting the season on the DL. And they still have Jason Bay. To sum it up, here's the sunny outlook from the Pirates' own website: “ ... the Pirates are looking hard at finishing the season above .500 for the first time since 1992.”
Good luck with that.
Minute Maid ParkMonday, April 2, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, April 3, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, April 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Projected Matchups from Astros.comMondayZach Duke (0-0, 0.00) v. Roy Oswalt (0-0, 0.00)
TuesdayIan Snell (0-0, 0.00) v. Jason Jennings (0-0, 0.00)
WednesdayTom Gorzelanny (0-0, 0.00) v. Woody Williams (0-0, 0.00)
Notable giveaways this series include rally towels on Monday, and magnet schedules on Tuesday and Wednesday. If anyone snags an extra magnet schedule, I could use a new one to add to my collection. (Thanks to BudGirl for all the previous ones, including the huge stack she sent last year that takes up one whole side of my refrigerator.)
Injury ReportPittsburgh – The only one you've heard of is Dirty Sanchez, who has a knee injury and is on the DL.
Houston – Hector Gimenez is out for the season, and Brandon Backe probably is too.
Our Interesting Things To Look For- The Astros' two best hitters against Tom Gorzelanny are Adam Everett (4-for-8) and Brad Ausmus (4-for-6 with 5 RBI). Don't be surprised if the good guys score in the bottom of the order Wednesday. Mike Lamb is 5-for-10 against Snell, so maybe we'll see him Tuesday.
- Ann Wilson bats better than .370 against both Oswalt and Jennings, but is only 1-for-22 against Woody. In fact, current Pirates are only 3-for-38 (.079) against Williams.
- Hunter Pence will hit his first Major League homerun off the MMPUS gas pump Monday. The run won't count, however, because he will hit it from the practice field in Round Rock.
- Since everyone's writing poetry now, here's my Opening Day haiku:
Fuck the Cardinals
Right in Tony's fucking ear
The goddamn Mets too
Discuss today's game in the
GameZone. Don't forget to wear a cup.
* credit goes to Andyzipp for thinking up the cock-ring joke
