NYCU 8/24 Patton starting friday...

[S.P. Rodriguez]

It may have been planned but I suspect it was most likely as "Contigency Plan D".  In other words: "In the event that you lose 3 starters (Oswalt, Jennings and Sampson) break glass and use gently".   Regardless of my skepticism, I hope Fox carries the game.  I'd like to see Patton pitch.  Hope he does well. 

Speaking of rookie debuts, other than the first inning, Gutierrez looks like a gamer.  That change-up had the hitters off balance for a while.  Too bad he was leaving so many pitches up.  Would any of the regular attendees of Express games care to offer any indication whether that's a problem he normally has or was it just nerves from his first major league start? 

[ValpoCory]

Although the NYCU was from Friday, Patton is starting Saturday.

[S.P. Rodriguez]

Although the NYCU was from Friday, Patton is starting Saturday.

Sorry, should have clarified that.  I normally don't get the Saturday games here in Austin, usually just Friday and Sunday. Which explains why I'm hoping that Fox opts to carry it.  It's doubtful but one can hope.  And yes, I know, I could have seen him pitch here in Round Rock.  I don't get out much, what else can I say?!

[pravata]

It may have been planned but I suspect it was most likely as "Contigency Plan D".  In other words: "In the event that you lose 3 starters (Oswalt, Jennings and Sampson) break glass and use gently".   Regardless of my skepticism, I hope Fox carries the game.  I'd like to see Patton pitch.  Hope he does well. 

Speaking of rookie debuts, other than the first inning, Gutierrez looks like a gamer.  That change-up had the hitters off balance for a while.  Too bad he was leaving so many pitches up.  Would any of the regular attendees of Express games care to offer any indication whether that's a problem he normally has or was it just nerves from his first major league start? 

Gutierrez said this "The first inning, I didn't have command of my fastball," he said. "I left a couple pitches up. My curveball was right in the middle. In the dugout, I was thinking about what I was going to do the next couple of innings. I tried to stay aggressive."

Munson said, after the 1st "he started hitting the corners a little better. He didn't get great results, but I don't feel bad about the way he threw, because he was aggressive." Link

I was being sarcastic.  Garner makes it sound like Patton starting is a natural progression.  If Jennings wasn't injured, if they weren't 9 games out, he wouldn't be starting.  I like the reaction from the crowd last night.  The clamour is always,

"why don't the Astros bring up their minor leaguers?  This guy (pick random minor leaguer) couldn't do worse! (5 run first inning ensues) Boooooo! Ok, that one was no good (for an entire inning) Why don't they bring us this guy, he couldn't be any worse!" 

Repeat.  Lets just plow through as many minor leaguers as necessary until we get one that sticks.  Then the crowd can crow "told you so."

[JimR]

Patton on a very fast track was part of some folks plan all along.

[pravata]

Patton on a very fast track was part of some folks plan all along.

For this season?

[Taras Bulba]

Gutierrez said this "The first inning, I didn't have command of my fastball," he said. "I left a couple pitches up. My curveball was right in the middle. In the dugout, I was thinking about what I was going to do the next couple of innings. I tried to stay aggressive."

Munson said, after the 1st "he started hitting the corners a little better. He didn't get great results, but I don't feel bad about the way he threw, because he was aggressive." Link

I was being sarcastic.  Garner makes it sound like Patton starting is a natural progression.  If Jennings wasn't injured, if they weren't 9 games out, he wouldn't be starting.  I like the reaction from the crowd last night.  The clamour is always,

"why don't the Astros bring up their minor leaguers?  This guy (pick random minor leaguer) couldn't do worse! (5 run first inning ensues) Boooooo! Ok, that one was no good (for an entire inning) Why don't they bring us this guy, he couldn't be any worse!" 

Repeat.  Lets just plow through as many minor leaguers as necessary until we get one that sticks.  Then the crowd can crow "told you so."

You mean that there's not another Roy Oswalt just gathering dust in Round Rock?  Get Noe on the line.

[Noe]

Gutierrez said this "The first inning, I didn't have command of my fastball," he said. "I left a couple pitches up. My curveball was right in the middle. In the dugout, I was thinking about what I was going to do the next couple of innings. I tried to stay aggressive."

Munson said, after the 1st "he started hitting the corners a little better. He didn't get great results, but I don't feel bad about the way he threw, because he was aggressive." Link

I was being sarcastic.  Garner makes it sound like Patton starting is a natural progression.  If Jennings wasn't injured, if they weren't 9 games out, he wouldn't be starting.  I like the reaction from the crowd last night.  The clamour is always,

"why don't the Astros bring up their minor leaguers?  This guy (pick random minor leaguer) couldn't do worse! (5 run first inning ensues) Boooooo! Ok, that one was no good (for an entire inning) Why don't they bring us this guy, he couldn't be any worse!" 

Repeat.  Lets just plow through as many minor leaguers as necessary until we get one that sticks.  Then the crowd can crow "told you so."

Yup, I was sarcastically remarking in the GZ about Gutierrez's performance.  I know that the fickle nature of the fans and media will turn on the young men as soon as necessary.  Of course, at all times blame the organization, or more specifically Tim Purpura.  At. All. Times.

Example: If the player does well, blame the organization for holding back.  If he doesn't do well, blame them for rushing him up or for holding him back so long that now the kid is useless.

Which reminds me of something: yesterday in the Justice interview, Purpura addressed off-handedly the promotion of the kids that may be premature.  He cited Hunter Pence and his sliding technique.  He used that to accent his point that sometimes the fans and media don't see the holes in the game of the player/pitcher that needs to develop in the minors before exposing them to the majors.

Of course, I would've chosen Pence's strange routes to catch a ball hit over his head or to his right or left, but that's just me.  But point well made by the Count.  They know what they're looking for in the performance of these kids and it may not be all about ERA or BA or OPS from them either.

[Noe]

You mean that there's not another Roy Oswalt just gathering dust in Round Rock?  Get Noe on the line.

Why?  To ask me a bunch of questions again?  "Leave me alone, alright.  Just knock it off!!!!" - Ryan Noe Leaf in Austin

[Noe]

For this season?

Ah-vertising.  I know about that sort thing Rocky.

Absolutely.

[pravata]

Ah-vertising.  I know about that sort thing Rocky.

Absolutely.

That woman is a menace.

[Noe]

That woman is a menace.

Women weaken legs!

[JimR]

For this season?

yessir.

[Limey]

Does this mean that we could conceivably see an Astros starting rotation featuring Patton Oswalt?

[MusicMan]

Old Astros philosophy:

- If he can throw two pitches consistently, he goes to high A.
- If he can throw a breaking pitch for strikes consistently, he goes to AA.
- If he can throw a change up for strikes, he goes to AAA.

New Astros philosophy:
- If he can sell tickets, he goes to the Show.

[Duman]

Old Astros philosophy:

- If he can throw two pitches consistently, he goes to high A.
- If he can throw a breaking pitch for strikes consistently, he goes to AA.
- If he can throw a change up for strikes, he goes to AAA.

New Astros philosophy:
- If he can sell tickets, he goes to the Show.

I think this has impacted their drafting philosophy as well.  They are drafting a bunch of guys from Tx or with Tx connections.  Not necessarily bad business but possibly bad baseball.

[MusicMan]

I think this has impacted their drafting philosophy as well.  They are drafting a bunch of guys from Tx or with Tx connections.  Not necessarily bad business but possibly bad baseball.

I disagree.  The Braves, for example, have been very successful focusing on the players in their own backyard.

If you have finite resources, and a youth baseball hotbed such as Houston, why not concentrate them?

[S.P. Rodriguez]

I think this has impacted their drafting philosophy as well.  They are drafting a bunch of guys from Tx or with Tx connections.  Not necessarily bad business but possibly bad baseball.

JD and Brown were discussing that last night, focusing on the presence of Houston area players throughout the majors.  I don't think it's a marketing driven effort.  I think the greater Houston area is generating alot of quality players.  If they weren't wouldn't Houston be the only team with this many Houston players?

[Fredia]

Old Astros philosophy:

- If he can throw two pitches consistently, he goes to high A.
- If he can throw a breaking pitch for strikes consistently, he goes to AA.
- If he can throw a change up for strikes, he goes to AAA.

New Astros philosophy:
- If he can sell tickets, he goes to the Show.

the part about selling tickets... my daughter and her friends  are very happy when the young ones come up. wonder if patton will have the same fan following (including offers of marriages etc)that pence does

[Duman]

I disagree.  The Braves, for example, have been very successful focusing on the players in their own backyard.

If you have finite resources, and a youth baseball hotbed such as Houston, why not concentrate them?

I said possibly bad baseball.  You  have to do it well.  You are correct The Braves do it well.   

[VirtualBob]

"why don't the Astros bring up their minor leaguers?  ... Why don't they bring us this guy, he couldn't be any worse!" 

Lets just plow through as many minor leaguers as necessary until we get one that sticks. 

Exactly ... Gutierrez is clearly past his prime ... why do we need to suffer with a 9.00 ERA when we have a guy languishing in the minors who has struck out 107 batters and allowed only 80 hits in 91 1/3 innings?  Bring on Bud Norris!

[MusicMan]

Bring on Bud Norris!

Only if we could call a moritorium, in advance, on any "Chuck Norris" jokes.

[JimR]

the part about selling tickets... my daughter and her friends  are very happy when the young ones come up. wonder if patton will have the same fan following (including offers of marriages etc)that pence does

actually, Patton is Mormon and has three wives already. tell your daughter to get back in the cold shower.

[JackAstro]

Only if we could call a moritorium, in advance, on any "Chuck Norris" jokes.

Or we could just try to get them all out of the way at once...

• Bud Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Bud Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Bud Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
• Bud Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Some kids piss their name in the snow. Bud Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Bud Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Bud Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Bud Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Bud Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Bud Norris can speak braille.
• Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Bud Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
• If you spell Bud Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Bud Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
• Bud Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
• Bud Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
• Bud Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• On a high school math test, Bud Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Bud Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
• Bud Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Bud Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Bud Norris.
• Once a cobra bit Bud Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Bud Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Bud Norris goes killing.
• Bud Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
• Bud Norris can slam revolving doors.
• Superman owns a pair of Bud Norris pajamas.
• Giraffes were created when Bud Norris uppercutted a horse.
• If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Bud Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
• Bud Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Bud Norris banging your sister.
• Bud Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Bud Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Bud Norris
• When Bud Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
• Bud Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
• Bud Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Bud roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• Bud Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
• Bud Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Bud Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Bud Norris will not take shit from anyone.
• Bud Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
• The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Bud Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
• Bud Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
• Bud Norris is always on top during sex because Bud Norris never fucks up.
• Bud Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
• Ghosts are actually caused by Bud Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
• Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Bud Norris' PC will crash.
• Bud Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
• Bud Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
• Bud Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
• Mr. T once defeated Bud Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Bud Norris invented racism.
• Bud Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Bud Norris
• Bud Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
• Bud Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Bud Norris does not "attempt" murder.
• Bud Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
• Bud Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
• Death once had a near-Bud-Norris experience.
• The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Bud Norris.
• Bud Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
• Bud Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
• Bud Norris once punched a man in the soul.
• M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Bud Norris can touch this.
• It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Bud Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
• Bud Norris can drown a fish.
• When Bud Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
• When Bud Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Bud Norris and Bud Norris.
• Bud Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
• Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Bud Norris.
• Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Bud Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
• Bud Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
• A rogue squirrel once challenged Bud Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Bud simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Bud knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
• Bud Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
• Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Bud Norris' roundhouse kick.
• Bud Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Bud Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Bud Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
• The chief export of Bud Norris is pain.
• The last digit of pi is Bud Norris. He is the end of all things.
• Bud Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Bud Norris is.
• The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Bud Norris eats.
• Bud Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
• The only time Bud Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
• Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Bud Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Bud Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
• Bud Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
• When God said, "Let there be light", Bud Norris said, "say please."
• Bud Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Bud Norris's fist.
• Bud Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Bud Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
• Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Bud Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Bud's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Bud still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
• If you can see Bud Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Bud Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• Bud Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
• Bud Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
• Before Bud Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
• Someone once tried to tell Bud Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Bud Norris is.
• Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Bud Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
• Bud Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Bud Norris says.
• The only reason Bud Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Bud Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
• Bud Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
• Bullets dodge Bud Norris.
• We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Bud Norris doesn't believe in magic.
• The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Bud Norris. This amuses Bud Norris because he is bulletproof.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Bud Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• Bud Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
• Bud Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

[JimR]

Jack, you do realize that you'll never get back the minutes it took you to type that?

[JackAstro]

Jack, you do realize that you'll never get back the minutes it took you to type that?

Don't worry, it's just a couple of minutes worth of copy/paste/find/replace, and it'll be billed to a client, no doubt.

[JimR]

Don't worry, it's just a couple of minutes worth of copy/paste/find/replace, and it'll be billed to a client, no doubt.

i did not know you were a lawyer.

[Ty in Tampa]

I guess they're now called 'NunBuds'. I'll make a note.

[JackAstro]

i did not know you were a lawyer.

Me neither. I highly recommend that people ignore any legal advice that I might provide.

[JimR]

Me neither. I highly recommend that people ignore any legal advice that I might provide.

funny, that happens to me all the time.

[MusicMan]

Not a good sign when your clients have you on "ignore".

[JackAstro]

Better than seeking legal advice from a designer.

[JimR]

Not a good sign when your clients have you on "ignore".

way of life for a lawyer. they do what they want and say "i checked with the lawyer." yeah, but....

[Trey]

I said possibly bad baseball.  You  have to do it well.  You are correct The Braves do it well.   

I would think you could use it as an advantage.  (Warning I will soon start pulling shit out of my ass.)  If you're drafting HS talent and they're deciding on college vs the pros and you've got a decent chance to be back in TX in a few years anyway (CC and RR), I'd think that would weigh on your decision.

[WulawHorn]

I would think you could use it as an advantage.  (Warning I will soon start pulling shit out of my ass.)  If you're drafting HS talent and they're deciding on college vs the pros and you've got a decent chance to be back in TX in a few years anyway (CC and RR), I'd think that would weigh on your decision.

Or you could just pay them whatever they are asking for, which in my mind is more important to getting them signed then geographic advantages.  I doubt location is all that important in whether or not to go pro for the vast majority of guys that get picked. You bounce around too much to worry all that much about it.

[Trey]

Or you could just pay them whatever they are asking for, which in my mind is more important to getting them signed then geographic advantages.  I doubt location is all that important in whether or not to go pro for the vast majority of guys that get picked. You bounce around too much to worry all that much about it.

Well, obviously if you can pay them whatever they want you do that.  But that's pretty much not an option for most teams.

[WulawHorn]

Well, obviously if you can pay them whatever they want you do that.  But that's pretty much not an option for most teams.

That's where the whole signability comes in to the draft- the team should have a pretty clear indicator of what the potential player is looking for financially.

It was interesting to listen to the count speak about this with the writer of wrongs the other day. Intimated that the guys they drafted in the 3rd and 4th round changed their minds some after their advisor's got a hold of them.

Said they check, cross check and cross check again with players, families coaches etc. Sometimes it doesn't work. What are you to do? Spend the money in Latin America and Asia I guess, not a bad deal potentially.

[Noe]

That's where the whole signability comes in to the draft- the team should have a pretty clear indicator of what the potential player is looking for financially.

It was interesting to listen to the count speak about this with the writer of wrongs the other day. Intimated that the guys they drafted in the 3rd and 4th round changed their minds some after their advisor's got a hold of them.

Said they check, cross check and cross check again with players, families coaches etc. Sometimes it doesn't work. What are you to do? Spend the money in Latin America and Asia I guess, not a bad deal potentially.

I liked when Justice asked Purpura point blank if some of the so-called advisors were named "Boras".  Purpura did not hestitate to say "yes".  They can't say that they hired agents, but they can say that they have advisors and yes, these are agents.  I wonder what the agent gets out of that any way, he/she can't charge the kid for the advise.

Also, when asked about working with agents, Purpura was very frank again.  He said some are very professional to work with and others just shock him with their lack of professionalism and manner.  He recounted how he met with one agent who came in asking for a lot of money for his pitcher/client.  Purpura sat down to talk to him and asked him what his pitcher threw as his primary pitches.  The client said he didn't know and didn't care.  Purpura said the conversation went downhill from there quickly.  He said he doesn't like having to work with agents who are ill prepared for meeting like this.  He said his favorite agent is Joe Sambito because as an ex-player he understand both the organization and the player side of things.  He's a pleasure to work with in Purpura's opinion.

Joe Sambito works for the Hendrick's Brothers.

[VirtualBob]

Missed one:

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Bud Norris allows to live.

Or we could just try to get them all out of the way at once...

• Bud Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Bud Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Bud Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
• Bud Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Some kids piss their name in the snow. Bud Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Bud Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Bud Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Bud Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Bud Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Bud Norris can speak braille.
• Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Bud Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
• If you spell Bud Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Bud Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
• Bud Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
• Bud Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
• Bud Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• On a high school math test, Bud Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Bud Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
• Bud Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Bud Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Bud Norris.
• Once a cobra bit Bud Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Bud Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Bud Norris goes killing.
• Bud Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
• Bud Norris can slam revolving doors.
• Superman owns a pair of Bud Norris pajamas.
• Giraffes were created when Bud Norris uppercutted a horse.
• If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Bud Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
• Bud Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Bud Norris banging your sister.
• Bud Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Bud Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Bud Norris
• When Bud Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
• Bud Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
• Bud Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Bud roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• Bud Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
• Bud Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Bud Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Bud Norris will not take shit from anyone.
• Bud Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
• The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Bud Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
• Bud Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
• Bud Norris is always on top during sex because Bud Norris never fucks up.
• Bud Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
• Ghosts are actually caused by Bud Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
• Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Bud Norris' PC will crash.
• Bud Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
• Bud Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
• Bud Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
• Mr. T once defeated Bud Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Bud Norris invented racism.
• Bud Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Bud Norris
• Bud Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
• Bud Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Bud Norris does not "attempt" murder.
• Bud Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
• Bud Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
• Death once had a near-Bud-Norris experience.
• The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Bud Norris.
• Bud Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
• Bud Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
• Bud Norris once punched a man in the soul.
• M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Bud Norris can touch this.
• It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Bud Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
• Bud Norris can drown a fish.
• When Bud Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
• When Bud Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Bud Norris and Bud Norris.
• Bud Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
• Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Bud Norris.
• Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Bud Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
• Bud Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
• A rogue squirrel once challenged Bud Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Bud simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Bud knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
• Bud Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
• Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Bud Norris' roundhouse kick.
• Bud Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Bud Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Bud Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
• The chief export of Bud Norris is pain.
• The last digit of pi is Bud Norris. He is the end of all things.
• Bud Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Bud Norris is.
• The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Bud Norris eats.
• Bud Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
• The only time Bud Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
• Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Bud Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Bud Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
• Bud Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
• When God said, "Let there be light", Bud Norris said, "say please."
• Bud Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Bud Norris's fist.
• Bud Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Bud Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
• Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Bud Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Bud's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Bud still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
• If you can see Bud Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Bud Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• Bud Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
• Bud Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
• Before Bud Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
• Someone once tried to tell Bud Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Bud Norris is.
• Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Bud Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
• Bud Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Bud Norris says.
• The only reason Bud Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Bud Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
• Bud Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
• Bullets dodge Bud Norris.
• We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Bud Norris doesn't believe in magic.
• The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Bud Norris. This amuses Bud Norris because he is bulletproof.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Bud Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• Bud Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
• Bud Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

[mrpink]

Missed one:

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Bud Norris allows to live.

WTF? Were you working on that for four years?

[BizidyDizidy]

Whatever happened to wulawhorn?

[HudsonHawk]

Whatever happened to wulawhorn?

Ed Wade traded him to the Phillies.

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

Whatever happened to wulawhorn?

According to a PM I got on August 25, 2007, 10:20:26 AM, I was too much of an asshole for him, or it was something to do with my chastising Dr Laura, or my promoting the positive value of donating a kidney over any negative risk. Anyway, he quit posting. And I've always had mixed feelings about it because I was just playing the contrarian role and not really trying to make a conflict. I guess he took it personal or was just looking for an excuse to bounce.

[strosrays]

Whatever happened to wulawhorn?

I believe he still lurks.

[VirtualBob]

WTF? Were you working on that for four years?

I'm sort of a multiple-tasker.

[chuck]

I wonder if Bud Norris can play shortstop.

[Jacksonian]

I wonder if Bud Norris can play shortstop.

He does.  While he's pitching.

[Bench]

He does.  While he's pitching.

Speaking of which, the D-Backs signed Jason Lane to pitch.

[drew corleone]

I know Wulaw. He's a good dude.

[Limey]

He does.  While he's pitching.

*Golf Clap*