Never mind. Found it in the old HOFs:
FINEST SLAMZONE MOMENTS
various
Ah, who can forget the historic first post of the ill-fated ALL-SLAM FRIDAY, that unfortunately set the tone for the kind of generally weak smack that we would witness over the next five weeks…
“Kyle’s mom is a fat bitch.” - Eric Cartman
Despite such humble beginnings, the SlamZone did provide the setting for a select number of genius blasts, which were recognized at the time with “Slam of the Week” honors. Here they be, in chronological order…
All-Slam Friday, 09/03/99 - hosted by Bill Clinton, president of the United States
Winner: JB
Subject: MLB Umpire Union Chief Richie Phillips
“Dear Mr. Phillips:
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your fine representation of your clients at Overeaters Anonymous, a.k.a, the Major League Umpires Association. Without you, these men would be working a grueling 600 hour work year for as little as $150,000. Thanks to your tireless efforts, however, they can now look forward to a life spent cashing generous unemployment checks and selling used baseballs on Ebay.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!! Have you ever opened your mouth, even once, for any purpose other than changing the foot that was previously in there?! What delusions of adequacy led you to so totally misrepresent your clients? Stop now, and crawl back into the cesspool from which you arose. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Lest there be any doubt as to utter contempt for your legal skills and judgment, let me just say that I wouldn’t piss on your face if your teeth were on fire!”
All-Slam Friday, 09/10/99 - hosted by Ricky Martin, latin sex symbol and international superstar
Winner: Colt45
Subject: Cleveland Indians Fans
“Good God! Have ya’ll run into any of these stupidly fat, pompously deluded, morally corrupt assholes?! They’re worse than Cryboys fans. I’ve attended a home series in Cleveland every year since ‘96 and they get more f***ing obnoxious every year. They have surpassed Cubs fans in spewing “We Rule! You Suck!” rhetoric and excuse making for why they haven’t won it all since 1954. It’s always a conspiracy when things don’t go their way especially regarding free agency signings and trades. Everybody’s out to screw the Indians (never mind that John Hart is seemingly unable to pull the trigger on a single deal to aquire a true number one starter). The Braves screwed them out of Neagle, the Astros screwed them out of Randy Johnson, the Yankees screwed them out of Clemens. They’re already discussing who’ll be screwing them out of A-Rod and Griffey. Everybody’s jealous of the Tribe! Everybody is in cahoots to screw the Tribe!!
F*** them!! Tell Hart, for once, to trade some friggin’ prospects for a starter and stop your goddamn puking! Facing the facts and admitting their rotation is woefully inadequate would be the first step of many toward growing the hell up and rejoining reality.
The final straw was last season when I attended a series between Cleveland and Detroit in Tiger Stadium. A partisan Tribe crowd schlepped up from Northern Ohio, Oldsmobuicks festooned with Chief Wahoo (you could stamp Chief Wahoo’s face on a turd and make a mint in Cleveland), fishbelly white flesh oozing from beneath Wahoo bedecked garb and proceeded to make a complete and utter ass of itself by acting like they own the place. It’s one thing to run smack in your own house but, these classless assholes were acting as if it was Game 7 of the Series. I witnessed more than one yelling match between some drunken Son of Geranimo and a truly perplexed Tiger fan who kept pointing out that the Tribe was in the midst of a pummelling. And of course, after dropping a laugher to the lowly Tigers, we were treated to a barful of these idiots chanting, “Tigers suck!” at an establishment just outside the ballpark. They were briefly quieted by some stray Yankees fans who politely asked if anyone had actually witnessed the Tribe’s most recent World Series championship. A chorus of “Yankees suck!” began shortly after the New Yorkers left. Assholes AND Cowards!
No one will be happier than I when the Tribe plummets back to mediocrity (granted that may take awhile what with them playing in the AL Comedy Central) and all these hypef***s jump off the bandwagon. I am already relishing the impending implosion once this over-hyped, over-exposed (how many f***ing times has ESPN televised Cleveland - Seattle since the ‘95 playoffs?) and over-achieving pack of beer-leaguers faces some real pitching in the playoffs.”
All-Slam Friday, 09/17/99 - hosted by Neil Armstrong, first man to walk on the moon
Winner: RocketmanTex
Subject: Aggies
“Texas A & M Aggies are walking, talking sociological mutants. They aren’t born…they are either hatched or they spring forth from under a cowpie mushroom. Name another college football team that has all male cheerleaders in garbage suits. Name another college football team whose all-male cheerleaders squeeze their squishy peanut-sized testicles as hard as they can while yelling “Hold ‘em Ags!”. I dare you. When I see those farmboys in military dress & sandpaper haircuts kissing their swine-like sweethearts after an Aggie touchdown, I want to puke green bile. What makes me even sicker is knowing for a fact that Buford B. Aggie’s high school girlfriend was a sheep. Woman, do you know where this retard’s mouth and genitalia have been?? If I were you, I’d run for the hills and if I were him, I’d stick with the sheep…at least you can cook em up for dinner after you finish your post-sex dip of Skoal (do you really think an Aggie would smoke a cigarette after sex?). In conclusion, I beg Governor Bush to build an electric fence around the A&M campus so that Aggies can no longer escape to pollute the rest of the state. It is the morally correct thing to do, and he would win my vote for President if he did.”
All-Slam Friday, 09/24/99 - hosted by Masaharu Morimoto, Iron Chef Japanese
Winner: Dan Blocker
Subject: Los Angeles
“I realize that bagging on L.A. is about as fresh as Angeline, but I feel I’ve got a certain sense of entitlement since I?ve had to live here for the last five years.
How do I hate thee, Los Angeles? Let me count the ways:
Could it be because I’m forced to watch the execrable Dodgers battle the likes of the Marlins every night and on every Fox Game of the Week, just because their baseball-ignorant, dingo-loving owner owns every freakin? network in America? Could it be because overhyped five-tool Raul Mondesi is such a supreme tool, yet the Dodgers, despite Raul’s recent meltdown, want sign him and his beer gut to a $100 million contract extension? Could it be because Eric Karros, the Dodger’s best first-sacker since Greg Brock, has once again managed to hit 90% of his home runs off September scrub call-ups? Could it be because the Dodgers gave a convicted sodomite, Carlos Perez, a $35 million contract to pitch in AAA, and I’ve got to pay for it with their ridiculously jacked up concession prices? Could it be because the Dodgers are now such a classless and reviled organization that Don Sutton, of all people, questions their loyalty? Could it be because the Dodgers’ last more-than-memorable memory came 11 years ago, when Jerk Gibson took Eckersley yard, as half the fair-weather Dodger fans were already in their cars hauling ass for the parking lot exits? Could it be because Scully himself called the shot from the back seat of a cab?
Could it be because the Lakers, like the f***ing Knicks, have that special “salary structure”, one which allows them to magically “squeeze” lard-ass Shaq, Kobe, Rice, Horry, Fox, and $40 million uber-stiff Travis Knight under the cap? Could it be because they still have enough “under the cap” to throw $25 million at that toe-tag Derrick Fisher, who, despite lighting up the Rockets in last year’s playoffs, is quite possibly the worst starting point guard in the history of the NBA, at least since Pooh Richardson. Could it be because 100-year-old Chick Hearn, seemingly like every other old-fart announcer from a “fabled” franchise (i.e. sphincter-throated Johnny Most; slavering, stroke-riddled Harry Carey), is blindly venerated even though he’s long since been able to distinguish Fred Roberts from Nick Van Exel? Could it be that the Lakers are on national TV about 50 times this year, even though the last time they won anything was way back when parachute pants were in style?
Could it be that since L.A. has some God-given right to be awarded a football expansion team, even though 98% of its viewing audience thinks “football” means soccer? Could it be that when L.A. last had a football team, the only highlights were of somebody getting shived, pissed on, or set ablaze in the cheap seats of the Mausoleum?
In fact, the only thing there is to like about L.A. is that thanks to this f***ed-up time zone, I get to miss Ray Knight?s big head and ignorant blatherings on the early edition of ESPN Baseball Tonight.”
All-Slam Friday, 10/01/99 - Lionel Ritchie, Motown legend
Winner: Spinal Tarp
Subject: The SlamZone
“Two words: Shit Zone”
