Astros @ Twins August 2, 2013

[Mr. Happy]

Your lineups:

Astros

SSJonathan Villar
2BJake Elmore
DHJason Castro
1BBrett Wallace
CCarlos Corporan
RFMarc Krauss
3BMatt Dominguez
CFBrandon Barnes
LFRobbie Grossman
HOU: Jarred Cosart (1-0, 0.86)

Twins

2B Brian Dozier
C Joe Mauer
1B Justin Morneau
RF Ryan Doumit
LF Oswaldo Arcia
3B Trevor Plouffe
DH Chris Colabello
CF Clete Thomas
SS Pedro Florimon
MIN: Samuel Deduno (7-4, 3.18)

[Reuben]

I have never heard of literally half the guys in that Twins lineup, counting the pitcher. And I feel like I'm in the know to have heard of Oswaldo Arcia.

[OregonStrosFan]

I have never heard of literally half the guys in that Twins lineup, counting the pitcher. And I feel like I'm in the know to have heard of Oswaldo Arcia.

I have heard of 3 of the players in the Twins lineup.  Then again, I doubt there are many Twins fans that have heard of any of the players in the Astros lineup...

[jbm]

They have a guy named Clete.  That is pretty cool. 

[NeilT]

Dozier, Mauer, Morneau, Doumit, Plouffe, and of course Clete Thomas was my grandfather.

[OregonStrosFan]

They have a guy named Clete.  That is pretty cool. 

Catfish Elkins is not impressed by this...

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

They have a guy named Clete.  That is pretty cool. 

It would be super cool if he had a brother named Ken and another named Cloyd.

[Matt]

Why do we hate the Twins? I didn't get that memo from Selig.

[NeilT]

Arcia is 0 for 21 with 13 SO.  Why is this guy not an Astro?

[NeilT]

Why do we hate the Twins? I didn't get that memo from Selig.

I'm thinking.  This isn't easy.

[NeilT]

There are University of North Dakota advertisements on the Twins Broadcast!

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

Why do we hate the Twins? I didn't get that memo from Selig.

How can you not hate a team that had Harmon Killebrew or Tony Oliva? Or Kirby Puckett or Kent Hrbek?

[Matt]

How can you not hate a team that had Harmon Killebrew or Tony Oliva? Or Kirby Puckett or Kent Hrbek?

What about their stadium being called Target Field?

[Matt]

Chili Davis sucks!

[Matt]

Twin cities?! That's just ridiculous! Merge the fuckers and call it one thing.

[NeilT]

Two out, bases loaded, Castro up to bat.

[NeilT]

Castro was an All-Star, by the way.

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

Greg Gagne? Fuck him. I will never understand how that line up won the World Series in '87. I fucking hate them.

[Matt]

Castro was an All-Star, by the way.

He didn't look like one in that AB.

[NeilT]

a single, a double, SO, SO, BB, SO

yowzah.

[NeilT]

"Grab a cold Grain Belt at the stadium today."  Grain Belt?  Really?  I want a cold Grain Belt.

[Matt]

"Grab a cold Grain Belt at the stadium today."  Grain Belt?  Really?  I want a cold Grain Belt.

What the fuck is a grain belt?

[NeilT]

Grandpa Clete gets a single.

[NeilT]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grain_Belt_(beer)

[Matt]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grain_Belt_(beer)

Always a beer I've never heard of/tried no matter how many I drink.

[Ron Brand]

Their announcers are so earnest and midwestern.

[Ron Brand]

They've got Bert Blyleven and Roy Smalley in the booth.

[Ron Brand]

Mauer with an RBI sac fly, it's 1-0 in the bottom of the 3rd.

[NeilT]

Mauer sac fly, Grandpa Clete scores.  It's hard not to root for your grandpa.

ETA:  But fuck him.

[NeilT]

Pretty funny ad:  "The Astros--still wondering where the pitcher bats in the lineup . . . " 

[NeilT]

The Twins give-away tomorrow is a bright orange Twins hunting hat with the TC logo.  Pretty cool, huh?

ETA:  http://www.dnr.state.mn.us/twins/index.html

[NeilT]

5th SO for Deduno.  I guess there's probably lots of talk about Deduno and the Cy Young?

[OregonStrosFan]

Pretty funny ad:  "The Astros--still wondering where the pitcher bats in the lineup . . . " 

Astros DH have 10ish his over their last 90ish ABs (whatever the number, they are batting just over .100 for that span)- might be better off to start batting the pitcher again...

[NeilT]

3 BB in the inning, bases loaded, 2 outs.

ETA:  Castro batting again.

[Aussie Astro]

How the fuck did we not score in the 3rd?  I step out for a minute and it turns to crap.

[OregonStrosFan]

How the fuck did we not score in the 3rd?  I step out for a minute and it turns to crap.

Same as always- strikeout (went strikeout, strikeout, walk strikeout)...

[NeilT]

Castro 2RBI single.  Castro was called out on strikes in the 3d.

[OregonStrosFan]

There ya go Mr. All-Star!  Astros up 2-1 on a Castro 2-out bases loaded single in T5!

[NeilT]

Cosart seems very efficient.

[Ron Brand]

Well, he was, but he seems to be losing his grip on that now.

[Ron Brand]

He's still throwing the cheese though, 93 - 95 through that last AB.

[Ron Brand]

Two strikeouts after a leadoff walk. That's - what? - four strikeouts? I'm surprised, because he's really missing bats.

[Ron Brand]

Groundout ends the 7th, 2-1 Astros.

[Matt]

2 strike outs and a ground out after a lead off walk.

[NeilT]

62 strikes, 37 balls.  didn't walk his first batter until the 7th.  He still seems strong, but that must be his last inning.

[NeilT]

Who's the closer?

[Ron Brand]

Why turn it over to that bullpen? At least not when there's two innings to go.

[Ron Brand]

Who's the closer?

Cisnero.

[Matt]

Let him go back out there.

[Ron Brand]

Elmore flies out to center.

[Ron Brand]

Castro whiffs on three pitches. Wallace up.

[Ron Brand]

Wallace with a soft lineout to 1B.

[Ron Brand]

Martha Quinn slides more late 80s.

[Ron Brand]

Crap. Cisnero in.

[NeilT]

Cisnero's out.

[austro]

Martha Quinn slides more late 80s.

Late? She was early. I remember watching her and her buddies (who was the guy with the curly black hair? Mark somebody?) on my Sony Trinitron.

[Ron Brand]

Late? She was early. I remember watching her and her buddies (who was the guy with the curly black hair? Mark somebody?) on my Sony Trinitron.

It's a quote from a Sirius XM commercial. Touting their new online thingy.

[Ron Brand]

You had a Trinitron? Damn.

Mr. Moneybags.

[austro]

Nelson Cruz just hit a homer on his next-to-last day in MLB.

[Ron Brand]

I was the purchaser for a place that sold A/V equipment all over the world. We could buy Sony at like -3 points off of end column, and I still couldn't afford a Trinitron.

[Ron Brand]

Dozier doubles, Mauer up.

[austro]

You had a Trinitron? Damn.

Magnatronics, baby. I never understood how he was able to undercut everybody else, but I bought several TVs from him.

[NeilT]

Your Astros Bullpen:  The closest a guy can get to contractions.

[Ron Brand]

Magnatronics, baby. I never understood how he was able to undercut everybody else, but I bought several TVs from him.

I think I had too many other, uh, expenses.

[Matt]

So the bullpen is just gonna suck all year?

[Ron Brand]

Your Astros Bullpen:  The closest a guy can get to contractions.

I think Houston should get a handicap. Like, only 7 innings of at-bats for the other team.

[Ron Brand]

So the bullpen is just gonna suck all year?

No, they also blow.

[NeilT]

So the bullpen is just gonna suck all year?

No, the season ends in September.  That leaves three months when they won't suck.

[Matt]

No, the season ends in September.  That leaves three months when they won't suck.

I'm sure they'll find a way in the off season

[austro]

So the bullpen is just gonna suck all year?

Yeah, pretty much.

[Ron Brand]

Mauer grounds out 4-3, advancing the runner. Morneau up.

[austro]

Mauer grounds out 4-3, advancing the runner. Morneau up.

Uh oh. OPS of 1.100? Trouble.

[Ron Brand]

Uh oh. OPS of 1.100? Trouble.

Sure, he's lefthanded and first base is open. Why not pitch to him?

[NeilT]

Fick.

[Ron Brand]

Man, didn't see that RBI single coming.

[Matt]

Man, didn't see that RBI single coming.

Me either. I was expecting a home run.

[Ron Brand]

3-1 count. Then he comes over the plate. Mystifyin'.

[austro]

It's a moral victory. Could have been a 1.1-ingle.

[Ron Brand]

So we're into a stretch of lefthanders, two batters in. I do not understand this inning.

[NeilT]

It would have made a lot more sense for Wright to blow this game.

[Ron Brand]

Single puts runners on the corners.

[NeilT]

Now we've got them where we want them.

[NeilT]

Wesley Wright!

[Ron Brand]

It would have made a lot more sense for Wright to blow this game.

Possibly, but it makes more sense to me to send Cosart out to face the first two righthanders anyway. If it goes badly, you go lefty-lefty on Morneau and whomever it is that follows him. If it goes meh, then maybe you walk Morneau and go lefty-lefty on whomever it is that followed him. I don't get it.

[Ron Brand]

Arcia up against WW.

[NeilT]

I think Porter planned to let Cisnero pitch through the final two innings, three up, three down both innings.  He's the closer.  That's what he's supposed to do.

[Ron Brand]

Arcia strikes out.

[NeilT]

Arcia Ks, WW out.  Nice job by WW.

[Ron Brand]

I think Porter planned to let Cisnero pitch through the final two innings, three up, three down both innings.  He's the closer.  That's what he's supposed to do.

Two innings is asking a lot of Cisnero.

[Matt]

Fields coming in...

[NeilT]

Two One innings is asking a lot of Cisnero.

FIFY.

[Ron Brand]

Fields coming in...

Here comes that home run...

[NeilT]

Two One innings is asking a lot of Cisnero the bullpen.

FIFY better.

[Ron Brand]

This just in - I still LOVE my Vitamix.

[austro]

This just in - I still LOVE my Vitamix.

Does it make beer?

[NeilT]

That must have been a close pitch.

[Ron Brand]

It was.

Strike three on a curve!

[Ron Brand]

Top of the ninth, 2-2. Perkins pitching.

[Ron Brand]

Corporan up.

[Ron Brand]

Corporan is dazzled on a nasty slider for strike three. Hoes up.

[Ron Brand]

BITCH, WHERE'S MY MONEY?

[Ron Brand]

Hoes with a flare single into no man's land behind 1B.

[Matt]

Corporan is dazzled on a nasty slider for strike three. Hoes up.

G's up, Hoes down.

[Ron Brand]

Dominguez cranks one off the wall in left. Hoes scores, Dominguez thrown out at third!

[Ron Brand]

NOW who is the closer?

[Ron Brand]

Barnes grounds out. 3-2, headed to the bottom of the ninth.

[Matt]

NOW who is the closer?

Uh...one of the new guys?

[Ron Brand]

They've already burned the one guy who had any success at all.

[Ron Brand]

It's the baseball equivalent of trying to land Lynryd Skynryd's plane in the field.

[Ron Brand]

Fields is still pitching.

[Matt]

I hope there's someone warming up.

[Ron Brand]

I hope there's someone warming up.

I see angels in the trees...

[Matt]

Lo is up and throwing.

[Ron Brand]

Ball four.

[Ron Brand]

Looking out the window, the trees are getting closer it seems.
Thinking bout you Darling.
Adding up the cost of these dreams.

Strapped to this projectile, just a blink ago I was back in school.
Smoking by the gym door, practicing my rock-star attitude

And I'm scared shitless of what's coming next.
I'm scared shitless, these angels I see in the trees are waiting for me.

[Ron Brand]

Sac bunt.

[NeilT]

Lo is up and throwing.

All right then.  I feel better.

[Ron Brand]

Herrmann batting, and it's Lo Time.

[Ron Brand]

That is a very bright glove.

[Matt]

我们去！

[austro]

我们去！

I can't tell if that's good or bad.

[Ron Brand]

Wild pitch moves the runner to third.

[NeilT]

我们去！

That's odd, that's exactly what I said.

[Ron Brand]

The engines have stopped now.
We all know we are going down.
Last call for alcohol.
Sure wish I could have another round.

[Matt]

I can't tell if that's good or bad.

Words of encouragement. My Mandarin is rusty though.

[Ron Brand]

Serious squeezing by HPU.

[Matt]

Serious squeezing by HPU.

That had plenty of the plate.

[NeilT]

Blackley walks the winning run. 

[Ron Brand]

Walked him after that shitty no-call on what should've been strike three. Runners on the corners now, one out.

[Ron Brand]

And I'm scared shitless of what's coming next.
Scared shitless, these angels I see in the trees are waiting for me.
Waiting for me.

[Aussie Astro]

That is a very bright glove.

big too

[Ron Brand]

Single to center. Tied.

[Ron Brand]

Runners at first and second, one out, Mauer up.

[NeilT]

Fickedy-fick-fick.  我们去！

[Matt]

Now the ump calls that fucking pitch.

[Ron Brand]

Twins announcers fully owning up to the blown third strike call and its importance.

[Matt]

This link could come in handy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity

[Ron Brand]

Almost a 4-6-3 double play, but Mauer is safe at first. Runners on the corners, two out.

[Ron Brand]

Altuve grabbed it to his right, pirouetted and threw to second. Villar bounced the throw to Wallace.

[Ron Brand]

Morneau pops out to Villar and it's time for free baseball.

[Aussie Astro]

This link could come in handy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity

Nice one, you never know when you are going to have cuss out a Chinaman.

[Matt]

Nice one, you never know when you are going to have cuss out a Chinaman.

They have some very elaborate and creative profanity.

[Ron Brand]

Fien in to pitch.

[OregonStrosFan]

Walked him after that shitty no-call on what should've been strike three. Runners on the corners now, one out.

Balkin' Bob with an incredibly shitty call there...

[geezerdonk]

Lo - a worthy successor to Ambriz.

[Ron Brand]

I wonder how a team of Astro hitters would fare against a team of Astro bullpen pitchers.

[Aussie Astro]

They have some very elaborate and creative profanity.

I have always thought Italian was the best language for cussing people out, they get the hand signs invovled in it as well.

[Matt]

Lo - a worthy successor to Ambriz.

Not quite. Ambriz would have successfully lost the game that inning. Lo has some work cut out for him

[jbm]

Wasn't it Elmore?

They were showing this on MLB network.  Lo definitely looks like a step up from the rest of the bullpen crowd.  Just on stuff, at least.  

[Ron Brand]

Lo - a worthy successor to Ambriz.

I don't think so. I think Ambriz has a motion flaw that causes his only out pitch to be flat. Lo has got a couple more options to get batters out.

[Matt]

I have always thought Italian was the best language for cussing people out, they get the hand signs invovled in it as well.

Learning Korean right now and apparently two strangers will yell the most awful profanity at each other in public all while using the honorific words and titles to show respect.

[Ron Brand]

Grossman and Villar strike out.

[Aussie Astro]

I wonder how a team of Astro hitters would fare against a team of Astro bullpen pitchers.

Is that really something you would want to see?

[Ron Brand]

Elmore pops up and that's all for the top of the tenth.

[Ron Brand]

Is that really something you would want to see?

From a scientific standpoint I think it would be fascinating. As a spectator, I'd rather read the recap.

[NeilT]

I wonder how a team of Astro hitters would fare against a team of Astro bullpen pitchers.

The Astros would lose.

[Ron Brand]

Blackley pitching, Doumit up.

[Ron Brand]

The Astros would lose.

So would we all.

[Aussie Astro]

Learning Korean right now and apparently two strangers will yell the most awful profanity at each other in public all while using the honorific words and titles to show respect.

Maybe I am Asian, I get the urge to direct profanity towards people I see in public all the time.

[Ron Brand]

Doumit flies out to Grossman.

[NeilT]

Maybe I am Asian, I get the urge to direct profanity towards people I see in public all the time.

Wait, Australians aren't Asian?

[Matt]

Maybe I am Asian, I get the urge to direct profanity towards people I see in public all the time.

I can confirm that's a common trait among Koreans at least.

[OregonStrosFan]

Wasn't it Elmore?

Yes.

[Ron Brand]

Arcia flies out to Barnes. Plouffe up.

[Ron Brand]

Plouffe grounds out to Villar, except the throw goes into the stands and Plouffe goes to second.

[Ron Brand]

Plouffe and Wallace ran into each other and both are feeling it now.

[Ron Brand]

Bernier up, and he's walked intentionally to bring up Clete Thomas.

[OregonStrosFan]

In ex-Astros news... JB Schuck with perhaps the catch of the catch of the year... http://wapc.mlb.com/play/?content_id=29371341&partnerId=as_mlb_20130803_10433724

[Ron Brand]

In ex-Astros news... JB Schuck with perhaps the catch of the catch of the year... http://wapc.mlb.com/play/?content_id=29371341&partnerId=as_mlb_20130803_10433724

Nice catch!

[Jose Cruz III]

I hate the camera angle in Minnesota

[Ron Brand]

Thomas strikes out. On to the 11th.

[Ron Brand]

I was kinda counting on the game being over by now. Them crimes ain't gonna commit themselves.

[NeilT]

Grandpa Clete Ks.  I'll have to kid him at the next family reunion.

[chuck]

This link could come in handy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity

Brothel frequenter? Why is that an insult?

[Ron Brand]

Roenicke pitching, Castro up.

[NeilT]

That's not a correct translation.  It's brothel scrub boy.

[Matt]

Brothel frequenter? Why is that an insult?

Too much of a good thing?

[Ron Brand]

Castro grounds out to first. Wallace up.

[Ron Brand]

Wallace grounds out to second.

[Ron Brand]

Corporan grounds out to the pitcher.

I'm outta here, you guys have fun.

[chuck]

Too much of a good thing?

Impossible.

I especially liked the bit about 'his mother's dick!' as a way of saying FUCK. I might start saying that in Spanish to see if anyone looks at me any more strangely than they already do when I scream obscenities.

[NeilT]

It's a Sheboygan Brat ad!

[Jose Cruz III]

I wonder how a team of Astro hitters would fare against a team of Astro bullpen pitchers.

It would be the stoppable force hitting the moveable object.

[Jose Cruz III]

Hoes grounds out

[Jose Cruz III]

Matty is robbed by SS Berneir, the twin brother of Derneir.

[Jose Cruz III]

Barnes Ks

[Jose Cruz III]

God night all. I think this game is putting me to sleep.

[NeilT]

Porter leaves Harrell in the BP to pitch Keuchel. 

[NeilT]

God night all. I think this game is putting me to sleep.

What!  There are still fireworks at the end of the game!

[Jose Cruz III]

What!  There are still fireworks at the end of the game!

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Ron Brand]

There is a more cosmopolitan angle.

[Reuben]

There is a more cosmopolitan angle.

I can't believe Neil thinks we don't all already know that stuff. I mean, if there's one pair of raised-by-wild-animals twin brothers I despise more than Romulus and Remus, it's Paul and Minnie. That's why I've always hated the Twins so much.