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Topics - Alkie

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2
Beer and Queso / Hot Damn
« on: September 29, 2011, 06:25:22 pm »
I couldn't care less about the teams really, but we just scored face value tickets to the Sabathia/Verlander game tomorrow night.   You wouldn't believe what ticket prices I was hearing thrown around all day.

200 Level, behind the Tiger dugout, $100 each.   

Thereby guaranteeing a 14-6 ballgame where neither ace makes it out of the 2nd.  You're welcome.

3
Talk Zone / The Hand of God - A Sign
« on: April 28, 2011, 09:13:22 am »
For those of you that have been orbiting one of our outer planets for the past couple years, I live in NYC.   Celebrity sightings are pretty common and just as boring as you might expect.   Most celebrities are hideous social retards with bad teeth and ugly dogs.   Why people are fascinated with them is beyond me.  But that's not what I came to tell you.

I get my hair cut at the same Italian barber shop in midtown (real off-the-boat Italians) and usually see commercial actors, wannabe mobsters, possible real mobsters, local celebrities (like newspeople), and your occasional real-deal A lister.   Whatever.   We're all in the same gang here.

But today was different.   I'm sitting in the same chair as usual, Angelo cutting my hair and telling me Jew jokes, Italian jokes, old people jokes as usual.   Only this time, the guy in the chair right next to me is being overly talkative.  Not like in a drugged out way, just a happy cheerful fellow.   He's a tallish gangly Jew, late 50s maybe, and he's talking to EVERYone.    What part of town they live in, where their favorite restaurant is, isn't NY fantastic, what street they live on, don't you just love this barber shop, etc.   

After a good 15-20 minutes of this, and to be clear -- he's not being a pain in the ass, he's a super nice guy and everyone is having a good time talking to him -- he goes to the back to get his hair rinsed.

Angelo leans in to my ear and says "you know who that is right?"  Which is odd because he NEVER stops to point out the other celebrities/former famous people. 

"Nope."

"You never saw Police Academy?"

"Of course."

"That's Steve Guttenberg.   He comes in every 3 weeks and sits here for 5 hours talking to everyone that comes in.   What a nice guy."

The Astros will not lose another game.    Mark it down.   I expect to see Scott Baio at lunch.

4
Beer and Queso / Bragging
« on: April 23, 2011, 12:11:05 pm »
I just wanted to shout from the motherfucking mountaintop that I couldn't be more pleased to announce...

I finally cancelled my Time Warner services this morning and returned to DirecTV after two years.   

Worst company in America - Time Warner or AT&T?   You decide.   

I can't believe I went two years without HD non-local sports.

5
Game Zone 2011 Archive / April 6, 2011 - Tortuga's Revenge
« on: April 06, 2011, 06:12:17 pm »
Everyone else has already lost interest this season?

6
Beer and Queso / HR Leaders By Decade
« on: April 04, 2011, 07:09:54 pm »

7
Beer and Queso / WordPress
« on: April 03, 2011, 06:17:23 pm »
Anyone here consider themselves an expert on WordPress?

8
Beer and Queso / Wow.
« on: February 19, 2011, 03:01:54 pm »
Didn't think UT would go undefeated through the conference, but NEBRASKA?   c'mon.

9
Beer and Queso / Stupid 1970s.
« on: February 06, 2011, 05:04:54 pm »

10
Beer and Queso / Stupid 1980s
« on: January 18, 2011, 06:49:38 pm »
Got smoked.

78 of 125.   Some I should have never missed, some I never would have imagined.

http://www.sporcle.com/games/ironsij0287/nlhomer80

Got all the Astros, praise be.

11
Beer and Queso / Oregon vs Auburn
« on: January 10, 2011, 07:29:07 pm »
Let's do this.

Only 4 more hours until kick off.   

Anyone else staying up til 3am to watch the whole thing?

12
Beer and Queso / Who Dat
« on: January 08, 2011, 05:33:05 pm »
Who dat didn't bother playing defense against 7-9 Seattle?

13
Beer and Queso / Place Your Bets
« on: December 26, 2010, 05:04:15 pm »
I think Schaub will fumble a kneel-down, which the Broncos will run back and tie the game with.

How do YOU think the Texans will blow this one?

14
Beer and Queso / Alkie Ties UCLA Mens Basketball With 88th Straight Win
« on: December 19, 2010, 07:07:18 pm »
NEW YORK -- Internet sensation and chronic masturbater, Alkie, tied John Wooden's magical run of 88 straight wins today.   Alkie, who does not play Division 1 Mens Basketball, has never been in a difficult conference, and has not played against a single future NBA player, was able to tie this record on Nintendo's Double Dribble on a vintage 1989 NES.   This is exactly the same thing as winning 88 straight Division 1 Mens Basketball games because both games involve a basketball.    Do not question how this is comparable just because Alkie was only playing against far inferior competition, with a different sized ball, in front of almost no fans or media until about a week before the record was tied.   Samey, samey.   

15
Beer and Queso / Houston Oilers vs Los Angeles Texans of Anaheim
« on: December 19, 2010, 12:13:01 pm »
Where the hell are you people?

16
Beer and Queso / Tuberville
« on: December 09, 2010, 08:40:35 pm »
Apparently interviewed for the Miami job.

What a piece of shit.   One year at Tech?   One?   You flappy vagina.   Be a man.

17
Beer and Queso / Priorities
« on: December 07, 2010, 07:37:34 pm »
Keith Fitzhugh was believed to be one candidate among a small group of available safeties the Jets were considering but he turned them down, according to the Newark Star-Ledger to keep his full-time job as a train conductor for the Norfolk-Southern.

18
Beer and Queso / Big XII Title Game
« on: December 04, 2010, 10:45:30 pm »
Blah blah slapdickery football.

Someone explain to me again why Holly Rowe is on television.

19
Beer and Queso / Taxes
« on: November 21, 2010, 03:42:19 pm »
I just found out I'd be paying 3.2% LESS in taxes if I lived in Canada this year.   That doesn't include the 5.2% of my pre-tax income that goes to pay for health insurance.

Where the fuck does this myth that Canadians pay outrageous taxes come from?   I would have just assumed my tax bill would have been 20% higher until I just ran this spreadsheet and saw their tax tables.

20
Talk Zone / Jeter Heals Sick, Provides Eternal Life
« on: November 21, 2010, 10:56:08 am »
The New York Yankees' negotiating strategy with shortstop Derek Jeter is "baffling," his agent says.

"There's a reason the Yankees themselves have stated Derek Jeter is their modern-day Babe Ruth," said Jeter's agent, Casey Close, according to the New York Daily News.

If someone, anyone said that, they were either joking, drunk, or six.

21
Beer and Queso / Texans/Jets
« on: November 21, 2010, 07:53:45 am »
J
E
T
S
JETS JETS JETS

Discuss.

22
Beer and Queso / For the Singlemalt Drinkers
« on: November 20, 2010, 08:37:08 pm »
Found this last night and almost bought it but decided to see if I could get someone to vouch for it first (it ain't cheap).

Cadenhead's Dumbarton 1969, Sherry Wood

Anyone here tried it?   If so, worth it?

23
Beer and Queso / Applebee's
« on: November 20, 2010, 06:57:59 pm »
Just saw an ad for Applebee's where they are advertising their "NEW" "Flavor-Loaded Steaks."

That's just crazy talk.  You're going to start adding "flavor" to your food?   Why start now?

24
Beer and Queso / Horns Don't Cover Today
« on: November 20, 2010, 02:36:40 pm »
FUCK I wish I had a bookie in times like this.

25
Beer and Queso / Web Designers
« on: November 14, 2010, 06:10:02 pm »
Anyone here have a web designer/web design company they really like?

I'm going to be revamping the ol' company website this week and need someone who can help us build something pretty/useful but not fucking silly.  I don't want any Flash videos or sounds or annoying wipes or things that make people want to kill their screen.   I want a clean, simple site that will have roughly 4 pages and some fancy-enough ideas for our "packages of services" page. 

You can pm me if you like.

26
Beer and Queso / Horns Win Tonight
« on: November 13, 2010, 07:10:10 pm »
I said before the season we'd lose tonight.

Given what's happened the last month, I think we pull this one out tonight.


27
Beer and Queso / If You Thought The Horns Football Team Was Bad
« on: November 08, 2010, 09:01:12 pm »
Wait till you see this year's bball team.

This team sucks.   Slow and undisciplined.

Barnes gets way, WAY too much credit for just not being Penders.

28
Beer and Queso / I Was Wrong
« on: November 06, 2010, 08:21:07 pm »
GG is much, much worse than Chris Simms.

His line doesn't help, but he makes horrific decisions and has the accuracy of a carnival BB gun.

29
Game Zone 2010 Playoffs / World Series Game Four
« on: October 31, 2010, 07:07:21 pm »
FOX shows us how motherfucking stupid they are (I know, I know) by declaring that the winner of tonight's game will win the World Series.

So let me get this right...the Rangers tie it up tonight, making it a 3-game Series withOUT home field advantage, that's it, it's over, hand them the trophy?

30
Game Zone 2010 Playoffs / WS Game Two
« on: October 28, 2010, 07:44:51 pm »
Good to see you all have lost interest in this shitfest too.

Game Two:

Team  <score>
Team  <score>

Put Inning Here

31
Beer and Queso / Miami Heat Oh-and-One
« on: October 26, 2010, 09:22:36 pm »
Fuck you Bronbron.  Fuck you Bosh.  Fuck you worldsworstbusinessman.

32
Beer and Queso / Colt McCoy Gets First Pro Win
« on: October 24, 2010, 03:24:39 pm »
He doesn't appear to have been a big part of the win, but hey, Browns beat the Saints.

33
Talk Zone / At Least We're Not Ranger Fans
« on: October 10, 2010, 02:10:45 pm »
How the fuck do you take the first 2 on the road in a best of 5 and lose the fucking series?

34
Beer and Queso / What. The. Fuck.
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:43:35 pm »
I just turned on the UH game and they're getting pounded by an awful Miss St team at home.

What the fuck?

35
Talk Zone / Calling It
« on: October 06, 2010, 03:45:31 pm »
Lance hits a walk off HR to win the WS off Roy Oswalt, in to relieve at the end of Game Seven.

36
Beer and Queso / Owning a Laundromat or Car Wash
« on: October 06, 2010, 10:40:57 am »
When I was a teenager, I was unlucky enough to be friends with the richest girl in the city of El Paso (which is like saying you dated the prettiest girl in the city of El Paso or that you were darkest skinned person in Waco).   I vividly remember a conversation I had with her father one day when I was over to go to some pool party at her house.  Her father always took a shine to me for some reason (I was one of Liz's few friends that wasn't remotely interested in using her for her money I think) and pulled me aside to chat (which he did often when I was at the house).

He said, Graduate style, son, if you want to be like me, remember this:  car washes, parking garages, and laundromats.   You never go to work except to deposit the checks and yell at repairmen and these places print money.   

I never forgot that. 

Well, I'm at a point now where I've got a little money to buy something and I'm considering all the usual suspects; commercial real estate, muni bonds, risky mutual funds, less risky mutual funds, hookers-and-booze, etc and was thinking back to Mr. Superrich.   I'm not even in the galaxy for buying a parking garage, but I could afford a laundromat or car wash in Queens or Brooklyn.

I was wondering if anyone here had even done the car wash/laundromat thing or known anyone who did.   Was it the ATM machine I've been promised?   I get there are repairs and maintenance and negotiations like any business, but it appears to be mostly hands-off and you basically sell air.   What were the drawbacks?  Would you/they do it again?   Was it a mistake?

37
Beer and Queso / Who To Root For?
« on: September 11, 2010, 02:31:57 pm »
I hate ALL these fucking teams.

Fuck ou. 
Fuck FSU.
Fuck Ohio State.
Fuck Miami. 
Fuck Alabama.
Fuck Penn State.

Now who the fuck am I supposed to root for?

38
Beer and Queso / Hiring Again
« on: August 20, 2010, 05:22:04 pm »
How do I make 48 pt font so I can start this thread with the word "Sigh"?

We put up 4 want ads to hire some just-above-entry level people for what is basically a writing position that requires some minor critical thinking and decision making skills.   $20/hr and you can put on your resume that you worked for one of the largest securities consulting firms in America.

We got 172 resumes.

Of those, we found 16 people that were worth talking to and one hot blonde 20 year old from the local U that has no skills but makes sitting through these interviews a bit easier.

We emailed the 17 people and asked them simple follow up questions to set up interviews.

Six of them responded.

Of the 6, one of them failed the simple (and holy shit, do I mean simple) task we gave them to prove they knew how to build tables in Word.   One of them showed up today for the interview in jeans and Doc Martens.

Two more interviews on Monday, one on Tuesday, and the sixth guy still hasn't responded with a time to meet (fail). 

I can say without question or hesitation that the reason the country is unemployed has nothing to do with employers or the economy.   It has to do with the fact that 11% of America is, in fact, totally unemployable.   For any job.

I weep for the future.

39
Beer and Queso / Coogs and Miners On the Move
« on: August 18, 2010, 08:56:23 pm »
BYU leaving the MWC.

MWC looking to replace Utah and BYU with Houston and UTEP.

While I'm so excited about this prospect, I won't be able to sleep tonight, I can't imagine why anyone in Houston would be happy about this.

40
Beer and Queso / So It Isn't Just Me
« on: August 14, 2010, 07:18:11 pm »

41
Beer and Queso / I Am Old.
« on: August 14, 2010, 12:47:22 pm »
Most of you have known me for 1/3rd of my life.   I started posting on AC in 1998 as a college student whose most important decision of the day was where we'd go get drunk that night.

Obviously, life has changed dramatically over the years.    Graduated, moved, started a business, got married, had a kid, sold the business, went to grad school, moved, got a professional job, got a professional designation, started a business, moved, bought and sold personal residences, started another business, moved.   

Somewhere along the way, Alkie became nothing more than a cartoon character I play on this website.   I don't even drink on weekdays anymore and I'm usually in bed, asleep, by 11pm.

Then........last night.

We shipped our kid off to El Paso for a week to spend some quality time with grama and granpa; something we almost never do.   I can count on one penis the number of times we'd done that before now.   So last night we find ourselves sitting at home, as usual, at 10pm watching Friday Night Fights, baseball, and enjoying a nice imported beer.   Three texts from one of my few local friends later and I instruct my wife to get her ass up, put some clothes on, that we're "goin' out for a fucking change."   I hadn't left to go out drinking at 11pm in at least seven years.   

We met up with friends at Dive Bar, sold on the beer selection.   Unlike the last time I left my house to get drunk seven years ago, I was fortunate to have the luxury of financial resources this time.   "A bottle of your best shit.   For each of us." turned into "A bottle of your 8 best things.   For each of us.   And one for you."

At 3am, we wandered out of the bar to go see Mike's new apartment, his first nice residence (he has been in grad school for the last 10 years).   Woke up his entire family.   That went well.

Then the fun began.   Did I throw up?   Does the pope shit a funny hat on a tree?   I puked.   And puked.   First the Black Ops Ale.   Then the Eku.   Then the Engine Oil.   Then I threw up some of my own blood.   Spoke to a doctor friend of mine this morning and he assured me that it was nothing to worry about; I would eventually die anyway and this was just speeding up that process.

I passed out face down on my couch.

When I came to at 5:28a, alone, cold, and very dizzy, I threw up again. 

Got in bed, slept till 10a (I seriously can't even remember the last time I did that), and woke up with a mindbending, soulcrushing hangover.

Anyway, it's not a fun story or a funny story, I was just sitting here realizing how fucking old I am.   And also how glad I am to not be 22 anymore.

42
Beer and Queso / Now I'm Embarrassed
« on: August 06, 2010, 10:04:51 am »
Wow.  I can't believe I nailed the entire mid 80s rotations, but couldn't remember 2 starters from 3 years ago. 

http://www.sporcle.com/games/tk926/AstrosSP80_09

43
Talk Zone / Now THAT'S A Reacharound
« on: August 01, 2010, 07:48:57 pm »
You do not want to be fucked in the ass before a game by Jim Hickey.

http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2010/08/01/jim-hickeys-grappling-skills-knock-grant-balfour-out-for-4-6-we/

If that isn't the gayest fucking thing I've ever heard, I'm not sure what is.


44
Talk Zone / The Morning After
« on: July 30, 2010, 08:38:19 am »
I have to say, I know almost nothing about the guys we got in return and, frankly, don't care until they either make it or don't.   

The only thing I'm genuinely happy about this morning is that Roy will never have the club record for wins. 

I mean seriously.   Fuck that guy.

45
Talk Zone / Jerry Crasnick: Moron, Jerk
« on: July 30, 2010, 06:43:49 am »
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=5421648

Population:
Houston - 2,257,926
Philadelphia - 1,547,297

Metro Population:
Houston - 5,867,489
Philadelphia - 5,968,252

Skylines:
Houston - http://www.isa.org/isaexpo2006/leaderfiles/HoustonSkyline.jpg
Philly - http://fishtown.us/files/fishtown/images/Philly%20skyline.jpg

I sure hope Roy can reconcile in his tiny redneck brain the extra 101,000 people that live in the Philly metro area, because they must be the scariest 101,000 mofos in America.

Jerry Crasnick, it's called "research" and I know it's out of style these days in your business, but this took me less than 2 minutes to look up on a Blackberry.   Up yours.

47
Beer and Queso / Some Questions For Our Lady Posters
« on: July 17, 2010, 01:21:48 pm »
1) It's pretty well established in sexpsych that men are more interested in women who are physically attractive and that women are more interested in men that have resources (not that they don't also look for physically attractive).    Three men, relatively similar personalities, would you rather date (long term) a 3-of-10 who makes $400,000/yr, a 5-of-10 who makes $150,000/yr, or a 9-of-10 who makes $40,000/yr?

2) Ashton Kutcher?   Really?  Is it the fact that he acts like a retard, actually is a retard, or his total lack of skills whatsoever that women find so attractive?   

3) Why do men find lesbians in porno perfect jerk-off material, but you never hear about women looking for gay-male porn to get their blood pumping?

4) Can you loan me some money?

48
Talk Zone / Lowest Rated ASG Ever
« on: July 15, 2010, 08:45:01 am »
Only one of every 13 TVs in America was witnessing the NL finally wake the fuck up.

49
Beer and Queso / Lunch
« on: July 14, 2010, 12:16:56 pm »
So I'm in Chicago this week because my wife wanted my kid to see it (for some reason).

I'm, as usual, working from the hotel room all day while they go to museums, parks, shop, and eat good food.   I get my cold leftover pizza from Monday night.

Our fridge in the hotel is crazy cold; freezing in fact.   So I pull the pizza out an hour ago to put it on the counter to thaw so I can have some for lunch.

Starving, I go to open the box just now and grab a big ol' slice of spicy garlic deep dish.   When the slice moves.

A german roach (not one of them water roaches from Houston) runs up the side of the slice and starts eating with me standing there.

For some reason, I'm not as hungry anymore.   And I may be cured of pizza.

Also, the roach was wearing a Cubs cap.  Backwards.

50
Talk Zone / Baby Strasburg
« on: July 10, 2010, 10:35:30 am »
After going six innings and earning the win in Washington's 8-1 victory over the San Francisco Giants on Friday night, Strasburg had pitched 98 innings in 2010 -- 42 2/3 in seven starts in the majors and 55 1/3 at two levels in the minors.

That leaves 62 innings to reach the ceiling the Nationals set for the No. 1 overall pick in the 2009 amateur draft as he adjusts from college to professional baseball. If he continues to average about six innings per outing, that would mean about 10 more starts this season after Friday's game, which would carry him into the first week of September.

"When the innings are done, they're done," Washington manager Jim Riggleman said. "If that falls at the end of August or early September, then that'll be it."


What. 
The.   
Fuck.

51
Beer and Queso / Anyone Here a Windows 7 Expert?
« on: July 01, 2010, 10:20:31 am »
Ok, so we shut down the Houston office yesterday and moved everyone and everything up here to NYC.

The good news was I got my server back (it was in the Houston office) and was very excited about being able to synch my laptop back up to the server, working instantly while at the office, and being able to work with offline files from home; as opposed to remoting in to the server 24 hours a day. 

The bad news is...I'm now using Windows 7, which is motherfucking silly.   That's all fine and good, the real issue is I need this problem solved. 

When I open the Synch Center and allow offline files, it's discovering my old offline files from my old computer (which ported over when I moved the user from my XP machine to the win7 machine) from 13 months ago.   When I try to synch to the server (again, for the first time in 13 months), it is giving me two real problems:

1) It is trying to resynch shit from 13 months ago, shit that has since become totally obsolete.  So delete your offline files, you say!   Ah ha.  I would love to, but it's giving me a permission problem.
2) And this is the highly annoying one; it won't let me actually synch to any folder that had since been created in the last 13 months because it says I don't have permission to access that drive (I mapped the file server as the Z:).   When I try to log in as admin to give file permissions to EVERYONE in that folder, I get the same "access is denied" bullshit.

So there, someone, anyone, fucking tell me please how the motherfuck I synch a goddamn folder in Windows 7 so that I can run my office offline from home (off the server) the way I was able to without fucking problem in XP.

Many thanks.

52
Beer and Queso / For Soccer Fans Scoring At Home
« on: June 29, 2010, 03:33:11 pm »
The USA was the only group winner to not advance out of the second round.

Also, Group C (USA's group) was the only one to not send a single team to the Round of 8.

53
Beer and Queso / Either
« on: June 27, 2010, 09:34:14 am »
Either Germany is a fucking machine or England is the worst defensive team in sport.

54
Beer and Queso / Ghana Fast
« on: June 26, 2010, 01:35:43 pm »
Fuck me.

55
Beer and Queso / So, No Soccer Today?
« on: June 25, 2010, 09:29:01 am »
Or are all the new BIG BIG fans of the sport just not interested in the Brazil/Portugal match?

56
Beer and Queso / World Cup Decision Day #3: Groups E and F, 6/24
« on: June 24, 2010, 09:29:46 am »
Today's a mighty big day for me old footy.  

In the morning matches, we have Italy (Les Bleus) vs Albania.   If Italy win(s), they move on to the round of 13.  If Albania (win)s, that would be something, as they didn't qualify for the tournament.   Also, New Zealand (Les Bleus) play Greece in what promises to be a lot of hairy men.

In the afternoon matches, Argentina play(s) Brazil two weeks in the future (ze future).  Brazil wi(ns) mightily 1-1.  In the other match, Isner plays Mahut in the first 100-100 set ever.   Go USA!

57
Beer and Queso / Guess The Sport
« on: June 21, 2010, 08:06:05 am »
Just went to ESPN.com to check the score for the World Cup game and saw this headline
Ambrose gifts Sonoma to Johnson

I read it 10 times, trying to figure out (a) what sport this was (b) who Johnson was (c) why I would care that someone bought him/her/vosotros something from Williams Sonoma.

I finally had to click on it to figure out it was car racing.   Then I felt smug and superior again (after the 10 second layoff).

58
Beer and Queso / Anyone Ever Attend a Pro Sports Draft?
« on: June 13, 2010, 09:03:58 pm »
We're thinking about doing dinner and hitting the first round of the NBA Draft in a couple weeks (mostly out of sheer convenience).   Anyone ever done it before?  Is it a total waste of time?   Is it fun?   

59
Talk Zone / Hitless In Chicago
« on: June 13, 2010, 08:40:37 pm »
Through 6, no hits.   Either team.

60
Beer and Queso / New Google Homepage
« on: June 10, 2010, 10:09:32 am »
Argument - it's slow and ugly
Counterargument - no; it's ugly, but also slow.

Pick a side annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndBOX.

61
Beer and Queso / Vince Young Wins 2005 Heisman
« on: June 10, 2010, 07:49:04 am »
Reggie Bush likely to be found ineligible; would be stripped of Heisman.

Does this mean Vince gets another year of eligibility at Texas?   Please say yes.

62
Talk Zone / STRASBURG HAS A PERFECT GAME!
« on: June 08, 2010, 06:09:21 pm »
2 up, 2 down.

Trade him.  Right.  Now.

63
Talk Zone / LIMA TIME
« on: June 06, 2010, 05:18:32 pm »
Dodgers are playing the video of Lima singing Gaw Bless America during the stretch today.

64
Beer and Queso / French Open
« on: June 05, 2010, 08:13:12 am »
So...

Uh....

When did the rules change allowing men to play in the Women's Final?

65
Beer and Queso / Wizard Needs Food. Badly. Wizard Is About To Die.
« on: June 04, 2010, 09:54:22 pm »
John Wooden, 437 years old, dead.

66
Beer and Queso / 90's Retro
« on: May 27, 2010, 10:01:00 am »
I was just discussing with a friend how terrifying it is that the next retro craze will have to be the mid 90s.   

What's the rule on how long it takes for retro crazes?  It seems to me people were doing the 70s thing starting with, what, Dazed and Confused? 

67
Beer and Queso / 2010 World Cup Ad
« on: May 23, 2010, 08:38:06 am »

68
Talk Zone / Astros at Janqui Stajum
« on: May 18, 2010, 07:06:11 pm »
Not that I'll be going, but are any of you yucksters coming up for the series at Yankee Stadium in June?

69
Beer and Queso / All For Around $10
« on: May 09, 2010, 03:59:17 pm »
Really?   Have we really reached a point in society where all-you-can-eat ribs for $9 sounds like a good idea?

Does that actually sound appetizing?

Maybe it was just the 2 years in the restaurant biz, but rock-bottom-beef-prices never sounds "yummy."

70
Beer and Queso / If You Love Your Riverhaus, Set It Free
« on: April 25, 2010, 01:54:43 pm »
Well, it's done.   The Riverhaus now belongs to one of you borderline-criminal SnS'ers (I'll leave it up to him to make the announcement if he chooses).   I want to thank the other 9 of you that came in to look at the place and pretended to care; it made us feel good or something.

Thanks to everyone here for making this the easiest house sale ever.  I'm not sure HH and Waldo and Noe understand the money making potential of this website just yet.

71
And I have no idea how to pronounce the following common names:
 
Perez
Jimenez
Vasquez

How is this possible?   How the fuck, in 2010 in America, can there be people at ESPN, FOX, and the rest of the major sports networks that can't fucking pronounce these simple, common names?   People with Spanish names make up half of the fucking athletes in the country, couldn't you all at least TRY to learn how to say their names so you don't sound like redneck fucktards?

JIM-ih-nez???   REALLY?   VASS-kwez?

72
Beer and Queso / 32% abv Beer
« on: April 02, 2010, 09:38:50 pm »
Worst.   Drink.   Ever.

Avoid Tactical Nuclear Penguin like the motherfucking plague.  Even if someone else pays for it.   Especially if someone else pays for it.

This is just awful in every way.   Tastes like and feels like poison.   Not even good poison.

73
Beer and Queso / 18.2% ABV Beer
« on: March 26, 2010, 07:31:03 pm »
Drinking the TOKYO!.

We've spent the last 15 minutes trying to think if we've had a beer with more alcohol and, while I'm sure I'm just missing something, I can't.

It's fairly awesome.   I'm not sure it's worth $18/330ml bottle, but it's pretty heavy duty.   It's like a scotch, less like a beer.  You have no choice but to sip it (unless you want to burn the hair off your throat) and it's got the same kind of smokey afterburn.

Rikey.

74
Beer and Queso / Your Very Own Riverhaus? It Could Be Yours!
« on: March 21, 2010, 09:49:37 am »
Domingo!  Domingo!  Domingo!   Saludarse sus manos con el diablo!

Have you ever dreamed of having (or possibly sharing) a luxurious vacation property just outside New Braunfels, Texas?   Did you ever want to watch naked college student who are much prettier than you floating through your backyard as you trade them BBQ for tits?  No?  That's good, because our Riverhaus is not exactly what you'd call luxurious and is NOT on the section of the Guad that floaters go through; trampling through your backyard and teaching your kids how to get pregnant.   BUT IT COULD BE YOURS!

Alkie, what are you talking about?

I'll tell you, pardner.   It seems that driving from Houston to New Braunfels is a bit easier to do than driving from Manhattan to New Braunfels.  Despite my insistence to my wife that we would continue to fly back to San Antonio to use our Riverhaus, it's clear we really won't.   Ever.   So basically, I'm paying $1190/mo for the world's largest storage area.   With 100 feet of Guad frontage!

Yes sir.   

Alkie, we still don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

That's not news.   But what is news is that we're basically being forced to sell the Riverhaus, along with one full acre of Guadalupe River fronting property, literally at the end of a private dirt road.   Not one car will drive past your house (unless that person is seriously fucking lost).   You get 104 feet of frontage on the Guad below the city, but above Lake McQueeney.   Want to drop a tube in and just hang out?   You can do that, because in your backyard you have the best of both worlds; flowing river on the right and peaceful lagoon on the left.    Want to float down to the waterfall at the end of our block?   Drop in on the right, take your favorite cooler and adult flavored beverage and take the 45 minute float.   Want to sit in your backyard in a toob with a cooler and yell at your kids to take that thing out of the dog?   Drop in on the left and just float around in a small circle in your lagoon.

But Alkie, my kids hate fun and I can't bring myself to enjoy Central Texas without BBQ.

No hay problemo, amigo!   I spent $1,800 building a military weapons grade smoker on the premises.   With up to 32 feet of smoking space (no shit) and enough room for a whole hog without all that creepy tying its head behind its ass stuff you see in the city.   Granzin's Market sells all your favorite cuts of meat just 8 minutes away.    Want to go into town to eat?   You're 9 minutes from Seguin and 7 minutes from New Braunfels.    Want to go into SA for the day because your miserable fucking kids just have to go to the Riverwalk (no relation to Riverhaus)?   35 minutes on either I-10 or I-35.   Also, there's about 3/4s of a cord of pecan/oak/mesquite seasoned in the garage, which you inherit.   It's seasoned for two years and ready to use.

So, like, what kind of condition is this house exactly?

Uh, yeah, about that.   We decided to move to NYC in the middle of the remodel, so here's the deal.   The structure is completely in place and all the walls and doors are there.  Plumbing and electric are 100% done.    It probably needs to be painted a different color and we still need to trim the walls, but that's it.   The house was built in 1960, completely remodeled in 2007, and includes both a 2 car garage and a very large storage shed.   The septic tank is (or at least was, last time we were there) in perfect working shape.   The water pump (that's right, did I mention you'll never pay a water bill?) is only a few years old and kicks ass.    Make no mistake, this house is exactly what it is.  It's a place to go for the weekend, track mud around, let the kids run loose, and then, on Sunday, hose down and leave until next Friday.   It's not a fishing cabin, but it's not the sort of place I'd buy for my parents either (or even for someone I like).   It's a weekend vacation house.  Period.

But what about rednecks?   Who will protect my investment all week?

Glad you asked.   You're bookended by a pair of brothers.   On this side, you got Paul.   He's a printer from Houston who retired out here about a decade ago.   Sweet, sweet fellow who honestly doesn't seem to get what "retirement" means.   If he's not taking down a tree or building a fence for you, he's helping fix your car or tending to the pit.   On that side, you have Jimmy and his wife.   Want the weird part?   Jimmy and Paul are brothers.   They couldn't afford the property we have, so they took the smaller lots on either side and figured that was close enough.   Jimmy currently does our yard for us and is the one with the shotgun that questions anyone that might wander onto our property.   In 3 years, it hasn't happened once, but at least you know he's there.   

But is it quiet and peaceful out in the middle of Central Texas?

The week we moved in, three years ago, we woke up one night to Jimmy shooting an armadillo in his wife's garden.   Since then, never once been woken up by neighbors, music, gunfire, etc.   Frankly, that shocked me, but it is the truth.

Uh huh, so...how much is this place?

Oh man, am I glad you asked.   Here's the entire deal.   We bought this place in April of 2007 for $155,000 and have since put about another $20k into it (tearing out a wall so you could actually see the fucking river from the kitchen, putting in a new kitchen from floor to ceiling, running new pipes in some places, running entirely new electrical to the main part of the house, re-do-ing the sun room where you sit and watch the river with the windows open and mudproofing the floors throughout).   I still don't understand why the last people had carpet in a kid's room at a river property, but hey, if you like cleaning mud our of carpet, you're free to lay some down.   We'll throw in a $2,300 Cub Cadet riding lawn mower (and yes, it kicks ass, even your fat, gay, lazy Jew husband will look forward to mowing the yard on this thing) as well as the brand new, literally never used $1,000 6 person boat with brand new trolling motor.   One of our dumber stories -- we bought the boat 6 hours before Continental Airlines emailed us that they had a last minute $240 per person sale to Paris last year; the trip that prompted us to move to NYC a month later.    If you want us to leave all the 3 year old appliances (new washer/dryer, new refrigerator, one 50 inch HD TV, and brand new IKEA sink) or any of the furniture that we bought and that is in pristine (really) condition, it's yours as part of the package.   Saves me from having an estate salesdude come jerking me around on it all.   We're asking $130,000 to just get out from the remaining loan.   Don't want to drop that kind of coin on a weekend place?   Certainly there must be 2-3 people/families on this board that would be thrilled to go in on this on a partnership deal.   It ain't like you're going to be using the thing EVERY weekend anyway.   Also, I can tell you from experience that this will easily sleep 7 adults and as many kids are willing to sleep on sleeping bags.   HINT:  It's an outstanding place for you all to flee to during the next Ike.   Two families of 4 could easily use the house at the same time.   Easily.

Why so cheap?

#1 - I'd rather sell this without having to hire one of the dipshit realtors there.   That saves me $13,000 right there (off what we were going to ask $145,000 for).   
#2 - like I said, we'll never use the house again, so trying to make a huge profit seems fairly stupid.   I just want to pay off my mortgage and stop paying an electric bill on a house to keep my old furniture cool in summer and warm in winter.   

Is this for real?

Unfortunately, yes.   For $65,000 each for two families or $130,000 total for one, you can have a pretty fucking sweet weekend/summer pad.   You can fish in your backyard for gigantic Boss Level sized catfish, white bass, perch, bluegill for the kids, and (no fucking shit) tilapia; which the army stocked in our part of the river to eat algae 10 years ago.   Across the river from you is a wall of ancient trees that is behind a golf course.   There is literally no noise and the only people you'll see on this part of the river are your neighbors fishing or pleasure cruising/floating.    THIS PROPERTY HAS NEVER FLOODED.   Not once.  Not even in 1998.   Your neighbors can't WAIT to remind you that their houses did, but yours didn't because it's at the top of a hill.   

How much does it really cost to buy/maintain this place?

This is exactly what I spent, but remember that I kept internet and DirecTV up there full time.   My mortgage on $155,000 with 20% down came out to $1,190/mo (which includes taxes, home insurance, flood insurance, and other escrow).   I pay $45/mo for broadband internet, $39/mo for DirecTV (dish is in place and cables run), about $80/mo during the summer for electric and $30/mo in the winter.   Water is free, waste water is free.   Trash, if you don't want to just take everything back home on Sunday, is $80 per quarter and picks up every Monday.   You avoid city taxes because you're in an unincorporated area, but get to use both GuadCounty sheriff and New Braunfels police/fire.   Seriously, we spent more on raw meat and Shiner than we did on utilities. 

What else do I need to know about this place?

The brothers on either side take care of the place for us with a smile while we're not in town and we've never returned to find our house in any condition other than exactly how we left it.   Heat and a/c work perfectly and the real oddity of the house is that the only access to the attic-space (not a real attic) is through the air vent on the side of the house.   From April through October, you'll have to mow every 3 weeks.  During winter, not at all.   You get fireflies, a family of golden eagles lives in your backyard on a 100+ year old sycamore, and you seriously can't beat sitting out till 1am, drinkin' Shiner on the top of your hill, listening to the river below you and feeling the Central Texas breeze.   

I know everyone says this when they're selling something, but I mean it...I hate to see it go.  I always figured we'd be back in Texas eventually and I'd be glad we sat on it.   My wife has finally convinced me otherwise, so we might as well sell it.   PM me if you're interested.   

75
Beer and Queso / Tuesday Beer Thread
« on: February 16, 2010, 10:08:25 pm »
I just bought a single bottle of this.

http://www.brewdog.com/blog-article.php?id=251

I'll let you girls know what it's like when it comes in.   I've had some heavy fucking duty ales in my life, but not 41%.   I can't wait.

76
Beer and Queso / Beer (That Is This Forum, Que No?)
« on: January 10, 2010, 08:22:18 pm »
I just had the most expensive beer I've ever had in my life.

$98 for a single bottle of Xyauyu, an Italian barleywine.   Not $9.80.   Ninety eight.

Best beer I've ever had?   There's a trick answer here.   It was simply fucking amazing, like a toffee caramel port wine.   It was so unlike any beer, even any barleywine I've ever had, that it's hard to say it's the best beer I've ever had so much as it was the best alcoholic beverage I've ever had with a nice plate of artisinal cheese.

Worth every penny?  No idea, ask the guy who paid for it.

Glad I was there for it.   If you ever have a chance to partake, I recommend.

77
Beer and Queso / I Sure Hope
« on: January 10, 2010, 04:03:21 pm »
The divisionals next week are better than the shitfest that was the Wild Card Round.

78
Beer and Queso / Ravens/Broncos/Jets Thread
« on: January 03, 2010, 03:41:13 pm »
Ravens score.   7-0 BAL
KC up 7-0.

79
Beer and Queso / WAIT A FUCKING SECOND
« on: January 01, 2010, 07:46:34 pm »
This is not a retirement or a leave of absence, you sack of shit drama vagina, this is you coaching in a BCS bowl 3 days later.

Fraud.

Fuck you Urban.   Go Bearcats.

80
Beer and Queso / Les Miles
« on: January 01, 2010, 03:32:19 pm »
I'm really glad this assclown isn't my head coach.

I really don't think he understands, in even the simplest sense, how a game clock works.

81
Beer and Queso / Outback Bowl
« on: January 01, 2010, 02:04:32 pm »
This game is just surreal.

82
Beer and Queso / Ok, So That Was Cool
« on: December 31, 2009, 11:10:38 pm »
I know everyone would rather die than hear about it, but watching the fireworks over Times Square from our apt window is actually pretty cool.   And I don't usually care about this shit.

83
Beer and Queso / Brady Starts Sunday
« on: December 31, 2009, 05:16:31 pm »
Pats to concede nothing.

84
Beer and Queso / Boise Bowl
« on: December 30, 2009, 07:05:21 pm »
Holy fucking shit.   Is anyone else watching the Idaho/BGSU game?

85
Beer and Queso / ESPN
« on: December 30, 2009, 02:02:36 pm »
I don't know why I found this funny, but I did.

I've got ESPN on in the background right now to follow the Leach thing and the two anchors, neither of whom I recognize, are just about to close the show.

One anchor wishes everyone a Happy New Year and the other one says "well, to everyone out there, I'll be here tomorrow...."

"You will?"

"WITH YOU!..................and Chris McKendry!"

silence.

"Did you not know that?"

"I...did not....know that." 

Fade to black.

He wasn't joking.   You could totally see that this guy thought he had tomorrow off and had just found out on air that he had been scheduled to work a double.

86
Beer and Queso / I Don't Care Who You Are
« on: December 29, 2009, 08:16:08 pm »
7 degrees is motherfucking cold.

I'd been -8 once in NM, but I was a child and remembered it being "fun."

Searching for a blue mail box in 7 degrees with a bag full of shit is "not."

87
Beer and Queso / Taco Bell Commercial
« on: December 27, 2009, 03:23:19 pm »
Are they trying to convince me that they sell food-flavoured products for 85 cents or are they trying to convince me that they are now only hiring models behind the counter?

88
Beer and Queso / Are You a CPA That Does Taxes?
« on: December 26, 2009, 05:46:26 pm »
Good.  I'm not.   PM me please.   I have one fairly simple question.

89
Beer and Queso / Anyone Here Know Fuckall About Windowsfucking7?
« on: December 22, 2009, 05:18:37 pm »
GOD I hate this fucking OS. 

How can Microsoft keep making SHIT that is worse than the LAST shit they took?

Now I'm stuck with it because my entire business is loaded on this machine and I'm sure as fuck not wasting ANOTHER week setting up a new one.

Here's my small, but annoying problem.   I am using Office (made by the same fuckos that sold me my OS) and my fucking icons are toast.   I didn't even do anything!   The icons are fucked on the desktop, on the taskbar, and worse, when you go to open a file and are looking at DETAILS.   Nothing but broken link icons.  It's a pain in the ass because we routinely have the same file name as excel file, word doc, PDF, and other file.    It was much easier to just look for FILENAMEIWANT with the green X next to it than having to fucking sort by file type and then find it under the spreadsheets.

Anyone have a motherfucking clue how to fix this?   Because the answer fucking Microsoft gave me was.......reinstall Office.

Listen you cocksuckers.   If that's how you FIX this problem, your software is JUNK.   That's not a fix, it's a work-around.

90
Beer and Queso / Chris Berman
« on: December 20, 2009, 10:13:10 am »
Is there anyone here that actually likes Chris Berman?

I mean, I assumed that his schtick might be the most tired junk on sports TV and that people universally cringed every time he made another forced reference joke with a line from a 40 year old classic rock song, but ESPN is claiming he is an institution that could stay there as long as he wanted.   

So then I asked some people his age if they like that he references a time that they remember (right around when I was born) and to a man they told me they're as embarrassed as I am to watch/listen to him.

So...who are these people that like Chris Berman?   I mean in studio or calling games.   

91
Beer and Queso / NFL Online?
« on: December 13, 2009, 02:08:08 pm »
Justin.tv is fine but hit or miss and the feeds usually die midgame.

Anyone got a reliable site to watch NFL games while we wait for fucking DirecTV to bother installing our dish at the apt?

92
Beer and Queso / Ingram Wins Heisman
« on: December 12, 2009, 07:59:02 pm »
At least it wasn't Tebow or McCoy.

I'd rather have seen Suh or Gerhart, but those guys just weren't on TV enough.

93
Beer and Queso / Google TV Ads
« on: December 06, 2009, 05:33:08 pm »
Anyone here try them at your place of business?

What's your opinion/feedback?   Worth it?   

94
Beer and Queso / Big 12 Title Game Thread
« on: December 05, 2009, 06:41:13 pm »
Let's fucking do this.

TEXAS!!

95
Beer and Queso / SEC Title Game Thread
« on: December 05, 2009, 02:40:58 pm »
As much as I would love to see UT beat Tebow in the title game, I hope Bama slaughters the Gators.

96
Beer and Queso / Bowden Retires
« on: November 30, 2009, 07:27:26 pm »
Jimbo gets more power (likely).

97
Beer and Queso / Geaux Saints.
« on: November 30, 2009, 07:21:27 pm »
Man, I hate the fucking Patriots. 

If there's one thing that's easy to do in NYC all year round, it's hate any sporting outfit from the burg of Boston.

98
Beer and Queso / VY
« on: November 29, 2009, 10:04:35 pm »
Sorry, just wanted to get this over here and out of the Texans thread since it's completely unrelated at this point and is just pissing people off.

I'd rather the VY thread piss off people on its own.

---------------------------

I just finally got to watch the entire drive from start to finish and I can honestly say that this statement above just proves that you're willing to say anything to believe that Vince Young must be the luckiest fucker who ever walked the Earth.   

The man accounted for all 99 yards in a 2:37 drive to win the game.   How is that not, by definition, willing his fucking team to win?   

Hate him all you want.    I'm not trying to convince you haters to like Vince.   Don't care.   But making it sound like he's in the right place at the right time and that he's not somehow responsible for the insane number of wins he has at every....fucking......level is just horseshit.

And this shit about him "only" producing on 4th down today?   That's just the stupidest shit I've ever heard.   4th down conversions counts the same as 1st down conversions.  You know goddamn well that if Schaub had done the EXACT same thing, you'd be wiping his cum off your bib and babbling about how "clutch" he is or some shit.

99
Beer and Queso / Help Me Out Here
« on: November 28, 2009, 11:12:41 pm »
I'm taking this to another forum on another site, but define for me your parameters for:

"Middle class"
"Upper middle class"
"Upper class"

No right or wrong answer.

100
Beer and Queso / Holy Shit! Did You Guys Hear??
« on: November 28, 2009, 10:49:59 am »
Tim Tebow.

Also.   Tim Tebow.

Tim.

Tebow.

Tim.

timtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebowtimtebow.

Thank you, ESPN.

101
Beer and Queso / UMID mbook M1
« on: November 27, 2009, 02:14:50 pm »
Anyone here try it out yet?

If it works and I can actually operate Outlook, Word, Excel (full versions, not the crapo dogshit mobile versions), I will take 6 right now and go work from Cayman.

102
Beer and Queso / Turkey Day - Horns and Aggies
« on: November 26, 2009, 07:08:31 pm »
TEXAS!

103
Beer and Queso / Fuckers.
« on: November 25, 2009, 10:20:19 pm »
You ever wait 4 months to see one of your favorite bands of all fucking time?   And then when you get there, they play a bunch of songs you like, sure, and you sing along and sway and you enjoy yourself?   And then, during the encore, when they don't play your favorite fucking song of all time and their biggest hit, you decide you want your fucking money back?

Fucking Pixies.

104
Beer and Queso / Texans Titans thread?
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:20:09 pm »
We starting the game thread in here or in the GZ?

ETA: I want to talk some serious Boston-style shit about a team I couldn't name all the starters for, but that I'm rooting for because of a fairly silly reason over the hometown crowd that should, but almost certainly won't, win.

Titans by 10.

EFTA:  I plan to be even more insufferable than usual.    I guarantee a solid mixture of a roughly 60% knowledge of football as well as a blind love for a team I'd seriously have to think about to tell you what city their stadium is in.  

Titans by 17.

EEFTA: T! I! T! A! N! S!  LET'S!  GO!  TITANS!

Titans by 20.

105
Beer and Queso / Boston Sports Fans
« on: November 22, 2009, 09:23:14 pm »
We bought Knicks season tickets as our date night thingy here in NYC.   

Today, for the first time in my life, I got to see what it was like to attend a major sporting event with Boston sports fans.

Wow.

I don't care what team you hate the most, go attend a game with fans from Boston (as in, right off the train, I don't mean transplants in your city).   I suddenly had a lot more respect for Sooners and Aggies fans.

106
Beer and Queso / Tis 2:25pm
« on: November 21, 2009, 02:28:13 pm »
And OU is about to play their way into a .500 season (they aren't beating OKst).

They lose today and lose to the Pokes, they are going to a tremendously shitty bowl.   They'll wish they were going to El Paso.

107
Beer and Queso / Dallas Mavs New Motto
« on: November 08, 2009, 07:16:47 pm »
Wow. 

So, has anyone else heard the Mavs new internal motto for pumping each other up in the locker room?

"HARD WORK WILL SET US FREE"

I shit you fucking not.

You'd think Dirk might have explained the whole "Arbeit Macht Frei" thing by now.  Or maybe it was his idea.

Either way, seems like a bad idea.

108
Beer and Queso / I Just Want to Say
« on: November 04, 2009, 09:52:37 pm »
The Phucking Phillies have two innings to get they shit together or it's going to be a long, long day here tomorrow in Manhattan for those of us that still hate the fucking Yankees.

109
Beer and Queso / Are You In Maine? Do You Know Someone In Maine?
« on: October 26, 2009, 09:33:55 pm »
If so, you and/or your friend is worth $300/yr to me.

I am not joking and this is serious.

If you or someone you love (or have made love to) has a real address within the state of Maine, please PM me immediately.

110
Beer and Queso / A Story And A Request
« on: October 23, 2009, 07:42:46 pm »
It was September 2000. 

My soon-to-be fiance and I were on a road trip around the western half of the United States.  Perhaps some of you have heard of it.

Anyway, it was a night after we had witnessed A-Rod's last AB in Seattle as a Mariner.   It was a sad night.   One of the sports best players, and a guy you could really root for (this was a long, long time ago) was too expensive to stay an M and it was kind of the end of the really good M's squad of the 90s. 

We decided to go shoot some pool and drink off the vicarious sadness at the Duck Saloon near our hotel over by Green Lake. 

We played some tunes, we shot some stick, we discovered Pyramid's 5000 Year Ale; an American barleywine that was unlike anything I've ever had.   Yes, I've had beer with higher alcohol.  Yes, I've had beer that was tastier.   But not thicker.  We joked that it was like drinking bread.

After our first shared pitcher, things started getting bad.

I uncharacteristically broke a pool cue.   My wife broke her glasses.   I spilled the almost empty pitcher onto the felt.   We had a second pitcher.   Unable to see anymore, we decided, poorly, to drive home (2 blocks) and almost didn't make it.   The alley was much smaller than I remembered it being.

We got to the room and things only went down from there.

We started talking about our parents bad health.  I cried about my dad.  My wife cried about her mom's cancer.   My wife punched me in the fucking nose and I bled like a motherfucker.  Blood on the sheets.  Blood all over the toilet.  Blood all over the sink.   I went thru two towels and every piece of Kleenex.   My wife cried.   My head hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep. 

In the morning, I woke up to the most mind bending hangover of my life.   Yes, including the night Zima came out and I was in high school and we blasted thru a 24 pack at 117 lbs.   I took some Advil.  Threw it up.  Took some more.   Threw it up.   Took some more, and finally slept off the hangover just in time to make my lunch with my aunt.

The wife didn't fare as well.   Her hangover was so bad that she slept until 6pm that evening and we barely, BARELY made our 8pm flight to Anchorage.   

We didn't drink again for 3 days.

Anyway, if anyone knows where I can find some Pyramid 5000 Year Ale, I will pay a small fortune for it.  Thank you.

111
Beer and Queso / Weather Perspective
« on: October 19, 2009, 08:31:32 pm »
It's amazing to me how quickly someone's entire outlook on "nice weather" changes as soon as they live in a place that has admittedly shitty weather.

When we lived in Texas, if it was 51 degrees, I had a parka and a ski hat on. 

Right now, it's 51 degrees here and (no shit whatsoever) we have every window in the apt open and I'm sitting here comfortably in shorts and a tshirt. 

In Texas, if it was in the 40s, I wouldn't go outside unless the house was on fire.   And they were giving away things to put out fires outside.

This weekend, I walked 12 blocks in 37 degrees and rain and actually said out loud at one point "aw, it ain't that bad."

I guess people can convince themselves of any damn thing.

112
Talk Zone / I Got Something I Wanna Say
« on: October 15, 2009, 07:08:10 pm »
I figure it's time I start playing watching ball again.

(APPLAUSE)

Thing is...I play, Gar stays gets rehired.   He goes, I go.

Time to make things right again.  He should have never been fired.  I said it in 2004 and I'll say it again, Gar can manage my club as long as he wants to.   Bring Phil Home.

113
Talk Zone / Go Halos
« on: October 11, 2009, 09:42:46 pm »
That is all.

Thank god I don't have to witness my first Yanks/Sawx ALCS first hand.   I can live the rest of my life and never have to put up with that shit here.

114
Where is everyone?  I'm getting very confused.

115
Talk Zone / So, I'm Looking at the SCORES
« on: October 07, 2009, 07:09:57 pm »
...what time is our game?

Who starts for the Braves?

I hate the fucking Yankees.   It's even worse when you can hear people cheering loudly for them down the hall and out your window.  Savages.

116
Beer and Queso / Better To Be Good Than Lucky
« on: September 19, 2009, 05:49:28 pm »

117
Beer and Queso / Of All The Stupid Shit.
« on: September 14, 2009, 09:13:47 pm »
Good job, Buffalo.

You know who needs free fucking wins?  The motherfucking Patriots.

Goddammit.

118
Beer and Queso / Anonymous Forum Thread Template
« on: September 07, 2009, 10:55:21 am »
As well as being a poster over here at SnS, I often use the city-data.com forums for information on NYC and other places we might be visiting. 

For those of you not familiar with it, it's just like any BBS that has limited enforcement of useless rules and an infinite number of social retards with opinions loosely related to the original topic.   One of the cool things about SnS, of course, is that we social retards are usually also here to crack wise and entertain (even if only to a select group of people).   The city-data site has none of that.   Humor is forbidden and even swearing is not allowed in any sense (to these people, fart is the f-word).

I've always liked the fact that there is a sense of group responsibility here to keep people in line; to not let some asshat just run wild and try to convince people of utter nonsense.   

But for those that may decide to go frequent the other, lesser BBS's on the net, I offer this thread template to save you some time.



ORIGINAL POST:
I have a question.   I have a specific situation and here are the facts.  Fact 1 is this.   Fact 2 is that.   Fact 3 is absolutely this.   These facts will not change and I need help from you locals based on these specific facts to make a family decision on R.

POSTER#2:
I am vaguely familiar with your situation, but am an expert in something else entirely.   Can I interest you in some unrelated knowledge on K?

POSTER#3:
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.   But one of the words in Fact 2 reminds me of something completely unrelated to what you are talking about.   Only <morons/idiots/Aggies/Longhorns/homos> would enjoy what I'm referring to.  I am incapable of having a two sided conversation.   Here is another thought about religion or politics you did not ask for.   Also, brown people make poor decisions.

POSTER#4:
I am an expert on something totally unrelated, X.  Here is a strong opinion about that.  Validate my decision to become an expert in this unrelated field and praise me!

ORIGINAL POSTER:
My apologies for trying to steer this back in the direction of my original post.  We weren't talking about X or K, we were talking about R, which is what I was asking about.   Does anyone here with any experience with R have any useful information which I can use to form a decision which will impact my family, possibly for the rest of our lives?

POSTER#3:
I already explained, I have no knowledge of what you are referring to.   I do not have much in the way of confidence in the real world and not many people appreciate the fact that I have what are considered odd opinions because I am a contrarian by nature.    Also, my father left my mom and us kids when I was young and I have a need to feel like an authority figure on something, whether you asked about it or not.    Here is a post with no content whatsoever, but it does help my post count which I use to prove my own worth and usefulness.

POSTER#5:
To the original poster, yes, I have experience with R and understand exactly what you mean.   I also had Fact 1, Fact 2, and Fact 3 as relevant factors when I made the exact same decision.  Feel free to ignore the other posters who not only do not understand you, but who are low class <morons/Aggies/Longhorns> who somehow got a hold of a computer.   My rant would be somewhat on topic and useful if I didn't just go from classy to oddly insecure in the matter of a few lines.   I might also be in my early 20s or possibly a liar.   I also do not like brown people.

POSTER #6:
I am the voice of reason.   I will post a very useful answer for the original poster and even offer important follow up questions that, if properly answered, would allow me to help the original poster make a thoughtful decision.   I look forward to helping you with your decision.   I will shut down my computer for the next 2 years and check back in to the forum at that time to see how you answered my follow up questions.

ORIGINAL POSTER:
Thank you so much, POSTER#6, here are the answers to your questions needed to give me the information I need to make a decision on R.   I will begin the hope that you will log on in the next 7 days before a decision needs to be made.

POSTER#7:
I am a teenager.   My father does something that I think is similar to R.   Here is a completely uninformed, poorly based answer for the original poster.  Take me seriously or I will whine. 

POSTER#5:
Poster #7 is a child and not to be taken seriously.   Remember what I said earlier about being useful?   I actually hate R, which is why I'm qualified to give advice on it.

POSTER#8:
I hate R as well.  I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to choose R.   Keep in mind that I chose R myself once and am currently living with those consequences, but I hate myself and therefore will project my own self hate on you for considering the exact same decision I made in the past.

POSTER#9;
Oh good, here comes Poster#8 to ruin another thread that isn't about him.  Why don't you go back to the decision you made before you chose R?  Everyone would be happier.

MODERATOR:
I am a person of limited success in real life.   Because my parents were overbearing and didn't let me date until college (which itself is a lie I tell myself to cover the fact that no one ever found me attractive physically or found my opinions strong enough to take seriously), I find anonymous online forums to be useful in giving myself the satisfaction (that comes with an unpaid position that I volunteered for) of having complete control over other people, even if only in a limited fashion.   I will institute meaningless rules that people must follow.   Anything deemed offensive to the simplest minded puritan will be deleted and all useful links to other sites that the original poster could use will be cut in order to keep the literally impossible chance that someone would confuse this BBS as a sub-division of that linked site in order.   If POSTER#9 can't find something constructive to say about POSTER#8, POSTER#9 will be banned despite the fact that POSTER#8 is the real problem here. 

POSTER#8:
Be quiet, POSTER#9.   As usual, you are wrong.   I hate R with all my might and will make zero attempt to see why anyone else would like it.  I pout like a 6 year old and spend my time on an anonymous forum giving people my baseless negative opinions.   Keep in mind that I dislike anything that doesn't work instantly in my favor and have a lifetime of these decisions which I immediately hate.

POSTER#10:
USEFUL LINK TO A SITE WITH A DIRECT ANSWER FOR ORIGINAL POSTER CUT BY MOD FOR NO GOOD REASON.

ORIGINAL POSTER, DAYS LATER:
Thanks to everyone for attempting to help me, but mostly proving that you have no social skills whatsoever and are just looking for a place to appear to be in control of your life, an expert on any subject, or to validate your own poor decisions.   I wish Poster#6 had returned to the forum because that was clearly the only person who could help me.   Thank you to the four people who private messaged me with offers to have sex with me should I ever be in your area, under the guise of helping me with my decision on R.

POSTER#8:
I'll have sex with you, if that's what you're looking for.

POSTER#11:
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS POST THAT HAS BEEN CUT BY MODERATOR BECAUSE IT INCLUDED THE PHRASE "THREW UP"

POSTER#6, 13 MONTHS LATER:
If the original poster is still there, I have returned.  In light of your answers, R would be a horrific idea for you because Fact 2 will prove to be the complete opposite of what R can offer you.   My apologies for disappearing for so long.  I sincerely hope you did not use my previous advice and choose R or you are almost certainly living in misery.   

POSTER#8:
Typical.   This is why I hate R.  I can't wait to move back to S, which I left because I hated it.   People in R are just so unreliable and unfriendly.

MODERATOR:
This thread is locked because it requires me to do my job without the ability to make myself feel like I'm in control of something.  Locking it makes it clear to everyone that I am, in fact, in charge.   Oh my goodness!   Some boring prime time drama that I use to define my life is on and my cats need to be fed. 

119
Beer and Queso / Pain
« on: September 06, 2009, 05:44:34 pm »
You ever slice open the tip of your fucking tongue?

I seem to have done it.   No idea on what.

But let me tell you something.   This is the most painful, radiating, fiery, cry to sleep, cry to wake goddamn thing I've ever been a part of (that wasn't intentional, like say, a surgical procedure).

I can't eat a goddamn thing.  I can't swallow.  I can't sleep.   

You just don't realize how much you use the tip of your fucking tongue until you have an open wound on the end of it.  And of course, there ain't shit I can do about it.  Can't put a bandaid on it.  Can't put neosporin on it.  Tried to numb it, but it wears off after about 20 minutes and then hurts worse than before. 

I'm going to go back to crying on the fucking couch.


120
Beer and Queso / Do You Have a Slingbox? Wanna Watch the Horns Game On Me?
« on: September 05, 2009, 08:14:17 am »
Ok, we finally found something that absolutely fucking sucks about NYC.   We don't have the motherfucking option of paying an outrageous $40 to watch the Horns beat the fuck out of LaMo tonight.

Does anyone here on the site have a Slingbox (or similar device) that would allow me to pay for the game tonight and watch the game here ourselves via your magic device?

I will pay the $40 for the game so that we can both watch it, you just ensure that I can watch it on my lappy toppy here in NYC.

PM me if you can help.

121
Talk Zone / Smoltz Wins 2009 NL CY
« on: August 19, 2009, 06:44:25 pm »
Signs with Cards.   

I predict:
  • 9-0, 0.58.
  • Hits .583, slugs 2.230.
  • Brings a Jewish woman to orgasm.

122
Talk Zone / What IS Wrong With Coop?
« on: August 18, 2009, 07:27:35 pm »
In particular, I'd like to hear from Jim here.

I've never in my life, including the Jimy-one-m years, seen so much of the Astros fan base rally against the manager.   There's the usual fairweather fan that hates any manager when the team is losing, and I don't put any stock in that.

Then there's the diehard manager-fan who believes the management is always right and it's up to the players to execute (and I'm more likely to believe that myself). 

I think other than losing the clubhouse such that the players are less likely to actually give 100% at gametime due to disinterest (or whatever you want to call it), or the rare times that your dumbass manager fills out the lineup card wrong or brings in Mike Jackson instead of Dotel, it's really really hard to say that a manager is actually costing the team games.  I mean, at the end of the day, he's not throwing a single pitch or swinging the bat once.

So, since everyone seems to agree Coop needs to go, I'd like someone, without (just) jokes to explain what it is about Coop that makes him such a "bad" manager; to the point where the man needs to lose his job and be replaced.

I mean, what does he do that, say, Gar wouldn't have?

Go.

123
Game Zone 2009 Archive / August 4th, 2009 - Juicy. Oiled. Tits.
« on: August 04, 2009, 07:07:16 pm »
Work your magic, baby.

124
Beer and Queso / The Fuck.
« on: August 04, 2009, 01:33:31 pm »
Two months ago, I had zero ignorers.
Last night, I had 4.

Now I have 2.

Are there people that just go thru this site indiscriminately hitting the IGNORE button or what?

I want my badge of honor back!

125
Beer and Queso / CWBT Hitting .667
« on: August 04, 2009, 09:15:45 am »

126
Can you feel the season slowly starting to slip?

Anyone care to start the Coop Firing Pool?

127
Game Zone 2009 Archive / July 28, 2009 - NO GZ TONIGHT
« on: July 28, 2009, 07:24:36 pm »
Apparently.

1-0 Astros after 1.

128
Beer and Queso / 6th Annual Alkie NYC Update Post
« on: July 26, 2009, 07:21:57 pm »
...and you said you didn't want to read any more of these!   Pshaw.

- My parents are in town this weekend for the first time, so we tried to take them around to do as many things that they would enjoy as we could in a 2 day period.   This morning, we took them down to the Village for some food and to walk around Washington Square Park (you know, it was in that movie.  The one about NY.  Or that took place in NY.   That one.).   Just as we got off the subway in the Village, my mother decided she needed to go to the bathroom.   She went into a fast food place and then an Italian grocery and when it became clear that any place would want her to buy something to use the bathroom, she decided to use the restrooms in the custom dildo store.   I wish this story wasn't true.

- My new favorite phrase from an East Side dog-in-purse sunglasses-indoors more-money-than-sense cunt: "I can't date someone who fills out a 1040 EZ."

- You know how you can say something and it can be misconstrued and then Mr. Farley ends up in your apartment thinking your mother in law wants to ask him out and it's just the big misunderstanding?   I overheard something on the train this week that has pretty much one meaning.   I want to cover your chest hair in cum.

- I'm at the corner of 34th Street and 5th Ave.   A woman runs up to me and wants to know how to get to 35th and 6th Ave.   It's a very difficult town to navigate.

- I'm sitting in a restaurant at the end of our block when I see this giant redneck fucktard walking toward us.   He's losing his hair up top, is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and has one of those ridiculous fucking Goose Gossage mustaches.   Yeah, it turns out it's because it was Goose Gossage.   He lives a block down from us.  My apologies, Mr. Goose.

- You know about our MLB Exec neighbor.   What I just found out today is the 93 year old man who lives across the hall from me was one of 6 people in the room who planned the Normandy Invasion.   That one.   No shit.

- I watched a man get on the subway last week.   He has blood and vomit streaming from his mouth.   Streaming.   Mouth.   He sits down.   Wipes his mouth with his hand.   And gives the pole a solid handjob from bottom to top, leaving a stream of bloody vomit.   I have washed my hands 18 times a day for the last 6 days.

- Isn't opening up a luxury car lot in Manhattan a lot like opening a parka store in Miami?

- "Aren't you that guy...?"   Yes.   $500 per autograph.

- Sitting in the park, right next to NYU.   Almost every album you've ever heard was written, produced, practiced, or about that neighborhood.   So what are the hippies playing on the radio?   Pink Floyd.   Really?   Really really?  Music comes from this zip code, and you all are listening to a 40 year old album?

- Anyone else here ever wonder what a handjob on a subway train would be like?   No?   Hm.

- Manhattan is 60% women.   And something insane like 70% of Manhattan is single.   And you all made fun of me.

- We're at Katz Deli for the second time, this time because my mother in law really wants to try it.   I try to talk her out of it to no avail.  We go in, it takes us a solid 20 minutes to find the right fucking counter to order our food at.   After 40 minutes, in an empty Katz's, we finally get our really mediocre breakfast.   My 6 year old daughter, who has only been a New Yorker for 8 weeks, says "you know daddy, I could have gotten us our food faster."   Oh yeah, I ask her, how is that?   "I would have gone up to the counter and looked at that man and said LISTEN FUCKOS, GIMME MY BREAKFAST."    I've never been prouder.

- We've had four sets of visitors now.  At the end of each trip, I ask our guests if they found New York to be fast, rude, scary, intimidating, dangerous, or dirty.    Not one.   I thought Houston had a bullshit reputation.   It's not even close to NYC.   Maybe this was an awful awful place in 1975.   I'd seriously let my 6 year old take the subway up to her school alone without thinking twice.   

- True story.   I ran into that actress again that I had previously jerked off to.   This time she seemed to remember me for some reason.  She seemed very surprised that I made it past the doorman.  It's amazing where $20 and a cinderblock will get you.


129
Game Zone 2009 Archive / 7/21/2009 - Homewandy vs Bitchiz
« on: July 21, 2009, 06:45:05 pm »
2 games out in 3 hours.

130
Beer and Queso / A First For Me
« on: July 04, 2009, 09:05:32 pm »
I can honestly say...I've never had to wear a sweater during a 4th of July show before.

It'd be goddamn perfect out here if the fucking 25 MPH wind would stop.

The NYC Macy's 4th o' Jooly Fireworks Spectacularrrrr kind of bit.   Worse.  Ending.  Ever.   At least we didn't spend the $1,200 some restaurants on the Jersey side are charging for a family of 4 tonight.   I'm not making that up.

131
Go Horns.

Shame about LSU pissing away such a nice CWS like this, but whatareyagonnado.

132
Game Zone 2009 Archive / CWS June 23, 2009
« on: June 23, 2009, 06:34:07 pm »
Game delayed at least one hour and fifteen minutes due to lightning, rain, and high wind. 

If this series has done anything, it's convinced me not to move to Omaha.

133
Beer and Queso / Horns/Lakers June 22, 2009
« on: June 22, 2009, 06:14:30 pm »
Good start by the Horns.   Gotta make it interesting so people will stick around and watch the 9th inning comeback.

134
Alkie still very much lives in NYC.   This is a retro post, brought to you by the super science genuises who run SnS.   

Wow, 1994!   This kicks ass.   I'm finally out of high school (just graduated) and moved to Austin to start my four years (holy shit is this funny in retrospect) at the University of Texas.

Man am I pumped.  I have a long distance girlfriend in the panhandle who I refuse to cheat on despite the fact that she's gangbanging anyone within 30 miles of Amarillo.  I live with 3 roommates who are Republicans from Dallas.  Jewish Republicans from Dallas.   Who are in frats.  I can't see anything bad happening with this living situation.

Anyway, on to the update.

- Man, what a drive.   My dad and I were too excited to wait, so we loaded up my Jeep and drove to Austin during the night.   Took 9 hours.   55 is a lame ass speed limit.   What fucking year is this, 1974?   I have bad acne.

- Austin is super sweet.   You know there are non-Mexican white people here?   I've never seen that before.   Girls here have eyes that are not brown and hair that isn't brown.   It's the wildest shit.  Oh and girls are hot here.   Not like just on TV, but on the streets.

- There's live music here by bands that I've never heard of!   What is this shit?   Where is Cheap Trick and Motorhead?   This is definitely something El Paso has over Austin.   Let's get some bands with some hits!

- It's a good thing I won't cheat on my girlfriend.  Nancy, who I met in the hall, is really hot.  Plus she offered to let me sleep in her dorm room if my roommate gets too loud.  I'm sure it's just a friend thing.  I don't think she's in to me.   I have to be careful because she just came in and wanted to know if she could rub my shoulders while I type.   I think she's a lesbian.

- You know they have those here?  Lesbians.  Lots of them.  I met 16 of them in the billiards room.   Cost me my entire allowance.  Goodbye, $40.

- What's up with kids from Dallas and Houston.  You'd think they didn't grow up partying in Mexico on weekends.   People still get excited about fake IDs and drinking in bars.   Big deal, we got tired of that shit at 14.   Give me a fat bitch, a mountain of coke, and a donkey.   I'll show you a fuckin' party.

- 85 Astros games a year on TV!!!   Man, I only got 6 a year in El Paso.   Is this place awesome or what.   I hear they show more in Houston, but that place is a pit.   One giant swamp where criminals fly around on mosquitos.   Or so I've heard.  I haven't actually been to Houston since I was born there and my parents left when I was 3 weeks old.   But everyone says it, so it must be true.

- I can go to bed at 4am.   And sleep til 4pm.   Every day.   Why would anyone graduate?   I will DEFINITELY try to take my time getting thru college.  Maybe take an extra semester or something. 

- I just hope that doesn't get in the way of me retiring in 2001.

- One thing is for fucking sure, I'm never leaving Austin.  All the food options, the smelly people, the loose vaginas, the Astros games on TV, the drinking in the parks, the music scene, the alcohol, the amazing women, this place is fucking heaven.   Not to mention the weather kicks ass.   You know some morons live in the northeast?   Talk about fucking suckers.   It snows there.  13 months a year.

- My roommates just bought a 27 inch tv.  Biggest fucking thing I've ever seen.  It took 4 of us to get it into the entertainment center.   We played NBA Live '95 on his Genesis.   Awesome.   If you make up #23 and name him Jordan, it fills in his stats and you can sign him to the Bulls.  Even though he's retired for good.   

- Tried "sushi."  Turns out it's actually raw fish.   Gross!   Where's a hamburger stand?

- We're getting some wine coolers tonight and some tequila for shots.   Some fag on 4 wanted beer, but that's for girls.

- I think class started on Monday, but I haven't even found campus yet.   Someone said it was east of here, but I'm afraid of going over there because there might be heavily armed minorities who speak other languages.   I'm not going past "Guadalupe Street" which the locals here think is pronounced Gwad-uh-loop.   Where is this, Minnesota?

- Um.  This isn't Mexican food.   This has no lard.  Or flavor.   Who puts black beans and olives in Mexican food.  Where am I?

- I've had an erection for 2 straight weeks.   I sure can't wait to see my faithful girlfriend again.   Lori and Nancy from down the hall mentioned something about a threesome whenever I wanted one, but I think they were joking and I'm terrified to ask them if they were being serious.   What if they say yes?  I'll just die of embarrassment.   Guess I'm jerking off in the shower when my roommates go down to the frat house tonight.

135
Beer and Queso / Yo Reuben
« on: June 21, 2009, 07:48:58 pm »
You anywhere near the building collapse?

136
Beer and Queso / Help Get My Ass Drunk
« on: June 21, 2009, 07:33:44 pm »
Let me lay some facts on you:

1) I have somehow really gained about 5 pounds since moving to NYC 3 weeks ago.   This sucks, especially if you consider I walk about 12 miles a week now (12 miles more per week than I was walking in Houston).   

2) It isn't just the weight, I feel rounder and look terrible. 

3) I understand that a lot of this has to do with my serious increase in alcohol consumption since moving here.   Before the move, we had really cut back to Fri/Sat only drinking and even then, not heavily at all.   Since we've been here, we've gone back to either 3 beers a nice or a bottle of wine each per night.   Without exception.

4) I kind of like going down to the wine store at night and picking something out and sitting on my terrace.   I'm not sure I want to give that up.

5) It appears that a bottle of red wine is about 500 calories and 3 of the beers we're drinking comes out to about 700 calories.   I'd rather not go back to drinking girly drinks.   

Little help here?

137
Beer and Queso / An Alkie In New York June 21st Update
« on: June 21, 2009, 01:53:14 pm »
Happy Stupidest Non-Holiday of the Year!   I know what would kick some ass.  What if the greeting card companies and credit card companies got together and made up a completely meaningless holiday in the middle of summer break.  I mean, sure, I really enjoyed sitting in someone else's lap at breakfast because all the fucking tables were taken and oh yes, I really enjoyed the wait at our Sunday brunch deli that we've yet to wait at before, but god knows men, grown men, need a day to receive cards and presents.

Isn't that was every fucking day of the year is for?   Look, Daddy should get the first ten minutes of every day for blowjobs, get to choose the dinner spot, get to watch the game in fucking peace, and get to buy whatever nonsense gadget he wants regardless of what made up holiday it is.   That goes for mom's too, but with a rimjob instead of a blowjob and accessories instead of stereo equipment.   I don't like any holiday, but especially the made up ones.  Mother's Day.  Father's Day.   Valentine's Day.  My Anniversary.

At least I got sweet fucking hat out of it.

So on to the update.

- Did you know there are restaurants in NYC?   A few, yes.   We've got our neighborhood French place, our neighborhood Belgian place, our neighborhood country Italian place, our dog place, our fruit stand, our ale house, our diner, and our deli.  All within 3 blocks of our apartment.   It really is going to take 10 years to discover the neighborhoods in NYC and even then, we'll have to start over since all the neighborhoods will change.   

- I witnessed my wife lay a rug (I mean like one of them wall to wall jobbies) with the rug mat underneath it.  By herself.   Flat, perfectly cornered.  But that's not what was amazing about it; she did it without once throwing anything or hitting anything.   Sometimes I wonder what we have in common.   I guess she must have learned this shit while sitting around on her ass all week, eating bonbons and drinking rum while I'm down at the bacon factory.   Good to see she picked something valuable up.

- Street Festival!   On our street.   10am to 6pm.   Gyros (incorrectly pronounced here for some reason), Trini food (not actually made by Trinis), Jewelry for $2, and yes, I bought a hat.  The kind your grandfather wore.   I look even sexier in it than I thought.   Damn shame about me being a giant fatass.

- I look like someone.  Did I already tell you this?   Twice a day, minimum, someone stops and stares at me.  Sometimes, they give a shot to the ribs to their hubby and do the "who is that??" thingy.   If you know who these people think I am, PM me.  I'm dying to start giving autographs at $5/piece.   My theory, which I may have told you, is that I'm clearly just Jewish enough to live on the Upper West Side, just fat enough to clearly be important or I would have been forced out of my high profile job years ago, and wear somewhat hip clothing that says "that man doesn't wear a suit but makes enough to be in this neighborhood, he must be in one of the lazier, high paying industries."   I just hope it gets me laid.   Oh, and my new hat should help people think "who is that sexy, confident, overweight, soft jawed Jew?"

- Sunday brunch, we have our place.  Barney Greengrass.  Obvious?  Maybe.   So your grandfather got lox from there?  Yes he did.   But you think you've put something in your mouth that tastes better than my hot gooey man-ness?   You have if you've eaten the salmon pastrami at Barney's.   I'm going to just start endorsing my paychecks over to Barney and eat their liver, bialys, and salmon pastrami for my meals.  I'll lose the weight in no time. 

- I had my first truly awkward celebrity moment.   Have you ever run into an actress you've jerked off to?  Me either.  Until this week.  And it's weird because you want to run up to her and thank her for "that time" or ask her if her hand is still cramped or see what she's doing for the next 4 minutes.   I don't remember her having a husband or child in my tug fantasy, but she seemed to have one of each in the restaurant.   She looked different with out all the semen on her face.

- I figured out why women on the subway are inherently sexy.  It's the way they wrap their hands around the pole.   It totally makes you think about that time your dick was made of stainless steel.   In college.

- It's rained 16 of 21 days since we've been here and you'd think these people had never seen water before.   It's all everyone talks about as if we'd just spent (and I'm making this up) 3 weeks without electricity or a/c, no trash pickup, trees everywhere, and neighbors threatening each other in the streets.   I can't imagine a natural disaster that would creat such conditions, but you'd think we were experiencing that right now here in NYC.   For the record, I've had to use my umbrella all of 3 times.

- The Village feels very European to me.   Stuff on top of stuff.  People on top of people.   No bras.  No shaving.   No deodorant.   Men wearing pastels.  Good food.   Creative people drowning half their brains with drugs.   I love it.

- Are you a Democrat registered in Manhattan?  This woman REALLY wants to know.

- For a city that prides itself on such great deli, we've yet to find a single deli that is better than Kenny and Ziggy's in Houston.  I don't mean we haven't found a better sandwich (2nd Ave's pastrami), or better kosher dogs (Artie's), or better lox (Barney Greengrass).   But one place to get consistantly awesome deli?  Not yet.  K&Z are both from here, so why they don't move back or at least open a K&Z in Times Square is beyond me.   They'd be trillionaires.

- NY Pizza vs Chicago Pizza.  I've decided after decades of preferring Chicago Pizza that they're just not the same thing.  It's like comparing escargot to Snickers bars.   Chicago pizza is a fucking meal.  NY pizza is a snack.   

- Next person that complains to me directly about having to wait a whole six minutes for the next subway train gets a one way ticket to San Antonio.   You want to see what time wasted on public transportation is like?  I'll show you.   6 minutes for a train that takes you from your house to any other destination in the city is a fucking luxury.   Oh, and what?   It's free once you purchase your Metrocard?   I've never actually used this phrase before, but WFW.   

- Metrocard.   I didn't even know what it was 6 months ago, but I can tell you this...if someone decides to mug me, they can have my Blackberry, they can have my cash, they can take my ID.   But if you mess with my pre-paid Metrocard, I will pull out your lungs with my thumbs and cram them where your eyes used to be in your skull, fucko. 

- Dogs in purses.   Hadn't seen a single one.  Til we went to the East Side yesterday.   Saw 2 in the first 3 minutes.   You people are sick.   

- I get that people are just trying to keep the prices low, and I'm for that, but it's 2009.   Start taking credit cards.    You honestly wouldn't believe how many places in NYC do not take credit cards. 

- Oh man do NYers work hard!   24 hours a day.   City that never sleeps, you know?   People working so hard they jump out of windows and shit.   Bullllllllshit.   I work in an office with 17 businesses on my floor.   I usually show up around 9:30am, a solid hour and a half later than I used to show up in Houston (that's not adjusting for the time change; 30 minutes later in real time).   How many of the hard working NY businesses do you think are already open for business when I get there at 9:30?   How about 1.   A forex guy who gets there at 7am.   When I leave at 4:30pm to catch my train, how many people are already gone for the day?   All but 3.   I think people perpetuate this as one of those grand NYC myths to scare people into not moving here.   Oh yeah, and it's dangerous.   Don't move here.

- Friday is InfoBooth Day.   Do I look like a local?  I must.  Because on Friday, the tourists come to town and I apparently look like the sort of person you'd ask for directions in a subway station.   Every Friday, like clockwork.   From the old Russian couple to the gaggle of hot chicks from CT.   If the blue eyed brunette wants to know how to get from Times Square to my apartment, it's the C to 86th (A if the C is still under construction).   

- For as large as everyone talks about NYC being, only 1.5 million actually live in Manhattan, and that includes Harlem and Inwood.  Truth is, this place feels smaller than El Paso ever did (strictly speaking size wise).   I feel like I see the same 50-or-so people every single day.   You NEVER feel lost in a sea of people.   I felt a shitload more crowded in West Campus in Austin than I have here.   At least people here are incredibly considerate about your personal physical space and personal noise space.   I have NOT ONCE, not even on a weekend during the afternoon, heard a radio of any kind on the Upper West Side.   All parties are self contained and there is clearly an unwritten rule about not spoiling anyone else's fun while creating your own.

- The woman in the building next to us with the incredible cans?   We may be the only apartment high enough in the area to see through your bathroom window and for that I owe you a lobster dinner.  Even my wife thanks you for not being ugly.   Keep on showering twice a day (or shitting without your top on, whatever the deal is).   

138
Beer and Queso / John's and Lombardi's
« on: June 20, 2009, 02:35:50 pm »
Ok, so we tried both Johns and Lombardis this week.

John's on Bleeker is a cool mom n pop pizza dive.  Staff was friendly and helpful.   Pizza came out quickly and was outstanding NY pizza.  Thin crust, great taste, excellent sauce but not overdone, good toppings not overwhelming the pizza.   Don't do slices, which is kind of annoying, but hey.   Really liked John's, the pizza and the place, but it's like everyone seems to say here when you ask where the best slice/pie is.....that's irrelevant.   The best pie on earth could be in Brooklyn, but you'll never know because if you want a perfectly good pizza, there's one down the street from you, where ever you happen to be.   That being said, if you're in the Village, I would recommend John's.

Did Lombardi's today and was immediately disappointed in the fact that it's just a giant shrine to itself.   It's a gift shop that happens to sell pizza to tourists.   Now, it's GOOD pizza (much better cheese than John's, but that was it).   Service is rushed and unattentive.   Did you buy a Lombardi's Tshirt yet?   Why not?   Get out of the doorway then sir, you're blocking other tourists.   Insanely expensive.  $58 for 2 adults and 1 child and all we ordered was pizza and tea.   If I lived in NoLiTa and wanted delivery, I'd give it another shot, but there are way too many good pizzerias here to go be part of the Disneyland crowd at Lombardi's.   Glad I did it once, though.

Did find a sweet little gem this week though for anyone in the Village.   A really poorly named New York Hot Dog and Coffee.   Not exactly exciting, but for those who have eaten there, you know it's actually Korean.   You must, absolutely must go get one of the Korean BBQ and Kimchi dogs.   Holy shit that was awesome.   It's a big ol' cart dog covered (COV.  ERED.) in Korean bbq'd steak and kimchi. 

I still think Waldy's is the best pizza I've had and the best dog so far is Korean dog.   Hot dog.

139
Beer and Queso / Relatively Brand New Mac For Sale
« on: June 19, 2009, 08:59:10 pm »
White Mac laptop.  We just bought this for $999 3 months ago.

Hate it.  Never doing Mac again.

PM me if you want it.  Make an offer.

"Intuitive" my anus.  I want my PC back. 

140
Beer and Queso / The Greatest Commute Ever.
« on: June 19, 2009, 05:18:03 pm »
This post has nothing to do with where you live.   This post has nothing to do with comparisons.   This post has nothing to do with where I came from, grew up, got educated, or started my business.   If you want to pretend to have some inferiority thing, go on witchabadself, but that's not the point of this post.

Today I decided to try something I've never done at any job, in any city, for any reason.   I decided, at 3:27pm today and 76 degree weather outside that I was going to walk home from work.

I know, you're wondering what kind of idiot would do that when they could just drive or take public transportation.  

It was the greatest commute I've ever been a part of.

I walked from my office in the Flatiron District to my apartment half-way up Central Park.   58 blocks.   Took exactly one hour and zero minutes from front door to front door.  

As I walked out my office, I looked across the street at the Flatiron Building.   You know it, even if you don't think you do.  It's the big triangular building.

Started walking up Broadway on the straightest path from my office to my house.   Passed through Little Africa, past the Macy's on 34th Street where a miracle once happened.  

Walked through Times Square from one end to the other.   Saw the lights and pretty tourists getting mugged and people of every color selling tshirts of every color.  

Walked past the Ed Sullivan Theatre where the Late Show With David Letterman is taped, but not tonight.  Doesn't keep a few protesters from showing off their ignorance.  

Walked past Studio 54.

Walked thru Columbus Circle, home of Time Warner.  Saw the CNN Building and the HQ of Time.  

Walked thru Central Park (the edge).

Walked over the spot where John Lennon was shot.

Walked past the building demolished by Zuul and Gozar the Gozarian.

Walked past the homes of Bono, Steve Jobs, Jerry Seinfield, and countless other celebrities.

Bought a water at a hot dog stand in Central Park.

Walked past the Museum of Natural History.  Not AN museum.  THE museum.

Got asked directions by a tourist.   Got asked directions by a businessman from Bawston.

All this in one hour in a straight line from my office to my home.   I dare say, this is the best commute on Earth.   I love this town.


141
Beer and Queso / NC or ASU
« on: June 18, 2009, 06:52:20 pm »
Who would you rather see as a speed bump before we play LSU for the whole thing?

142
Beer and Queso / Sure. THAT Makes Sense.
« on: June 18, 2009, 12:17:35 pm »
Just found out the H-town Biz Journal wants to do a story about my business (since it's H based) and our "rapid expansion" to the east coast.   He's calling to get some quotes and shit but is telling me, and let me know if this jibes in your head....he won't actually RUN the story unless I fly back to Houston to have their photographer take a headshot of me. 

Because, you know, there would be no other way to get a visual representation of my head from NYC to Houston.

Anyone here know why this would be important?  Or true?  Or anything?

143
Beer and Queso / Eight. People. On Earth.
« on: June 18, 2009, 09:22:19 am »
There are 3 apartments per floor in my building so that everyone gets at least two full views.   It's a cool setup, but it's kind of odd having exactly two neighbors and no more.

Well, I finally personally met the couple in B (we're in A).  My age.  Dressed about the same style.

And of course:
- She's from Dallas
- She graduated from Texas a semester after I did
- They're both rabid Horns fans
- They both work for MLB here at HQ working in PR and websites

I mean JESUS F. CHRIST FERNANDEZROUX.   IS THERE ANYONE ON THE PLANET WHO IS NOT FROM TEXAS AND/OR WHO IS NOT LOOSELY RELATED TO FUCKING BASEBALL???

We stood on the C train this morning doing this, much to the boredom of all our fellow riders.

Do you know Alyson Footer?   
OF COURSE!  Do you remember when the Astros site was run by Twinspin?
OF COURSE!  I used to sort of write some shit for the site.
Har har har.  We should get together and enjoy beverages while discussing commonalities and watching shared sports teams. 
Indeed.  Pass the Grey Poupon.

144
Beer and Queso / Who Else Is Tired of My Ass Being Fat?
« on: June 17, 2009, 08:47:41 pm »
Seriously.

How does someone eat 4 meals a day and drink heavily without exercise and not look at goddamn repulsive as I do?

Little help here.

145
Beer and Queso / Anyone Here In Charge Of Travel for A Company?
« on: June 17, 2009, 02:53:07 pm »
How do small businesses keep travel expenses low for employees that are constantly traveling?   We've never had to deal with this before, but I'm going to have to hire someone now who will be:

1) Flying/driving to all points within the USA two or three days a week
2) Staying in hotels when not able to fly home same day
3) Taxis or rental cars

Our problem is that the service this person will be providing will bill out at about $1,000 per day of which the employee will get $155 of.   I'm trying to figure out how the fuck I do this without LOSING money on the deal.

Any help from someone in a similar position at a small business would be much appreciated.

146
Beer and Queso / Going To My First MLB Game In Either East Division
« on: June 13, 2009, 05:15:03 pm »
I can't believe this, but I've never attended a home game at any NL East or AL East team.  Tomorrow that ends.

Anyone been to New Janqui Stadium yet?  Any tips?

147
Beer and Queso / Best Pizza
« on: June 12, 2009, 10:57:55 am »
I know this should be in next week's NYC update, but I can't wait.

I just had the single best pizza I've ever eaten. 

Wood fired, cracker crust, lamb shank meat, roasted lemon, and oregano.   Sounds queerer than it tasted.   

Holy shit that was good.

148
Beer and Queso / Yankees Broadcasters
« on: June 11, 2009, 06:06:11 pm »
Can someone tell me how it's possible here in the broadcasting capital of the fucking universe that the Yankees have one of the 5 worst PBP teams in MLB?

Michael Kay is awful.   

149
Beer and Queso / June 11th (June-venth In My Head) NYC Update
« on: June 11, 2009, 01:29:02 pm »
I can't believe people have actually emailed me asking for updates, so here goes.

It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, my hometown.   

NYC, the Big Apple.  Gotham.  The city so nice they renamed it twice (at least).   I don't have a clue where Old York is, but it better be a kick ass place.

Here's what I've learned in my first week here:

1) "Get outta the fuckin' way!" is actually the most polite way of asking someone if they don't mind getting out of your fucking way.  I think it's really interesting that if you scream it at someone here, NO one takes offense.  It actually means "Pardon me, sir, but due to the laws of our non-quantum physical world, you are occupying the space which I wish to occupy.  If you fail to vacate that physical space, I will be forced to put my boot in your ass."  And people actually move as if to say "please to be excusing me; I have failed to read the sign."

2) My office is in what is basically Little Africa.   I fully expected to hear lots of really colorful and interesting languages when I got to NYC, I'm just not sure I expected them all to come from the same continent.   What's cool is, the Africans have set up all these really awful little chachkies shoppes with horrible names like "Jewelry Door" and "FunMask Bag" and "Pet Knee Flowers."   I have decided to open up my own shop full of silly shit at deep deep precios bajos and call it "Bargain Anus."   Look for the website soon.

3) NYers are so rude!   That's what we tell the tourists anyway.   Keep sending your cash, but don't move here.   Do as I say, not as I blatantly hypocritized.   Yes I made a new word up.  Fuck you, that's what we get to do in NY.  Fart, smell it, enjoy it, and then disseminate it as fact.   Seriously, I don't get where the NYers Are So Rude thing comes from.   The service for the most part here is outstanding and people can't move fast enough to help lost tourists.   People are much nicer here than Texas.  Deal with it.  Or go fuck yourself, I'm a New Yorker.

4) The B train doesn't run on weekends.  But the C train does.  But not this weekend or next weekend.  So the A train, which doesn't go to my stop, will be coming to my stop this weekend.  But running on the C train schedule.   So my question is...if the A train (presumbablies the same fucking train as the C train but with the A sign in the window instead of the C sign) is running on the C track this weekend instead of the C train, why aren't we just putting a big red C on the A train and saving everyone this effort of remembering which train they don't usually take that they are now supposed to take?  Oy!

5) My first three celebrity sightings.  I honestly couldn't care less.   Why do people find celebrities so interesting?   Look, that person has a job that is in the public eye!  Even though we share nothing than general proximity at the same point in time, I will tell everyone I know about this moment and it will be one the best stories I tell ever.  The time I ate dinner at a Belgian restaurant on the Upper West Side next to Joy Behar.   Wow.   Really.   Who cares?  Also, Paul Rudd gets his hair cut where I get my hair cut and I sat on the subway with Kristen Schaal (look her up) rubbing my elbow up til 42nd street.  It was as exciting as it sounds.  I watched her write a joke about Kate Moss (really, I mean, and I don't have a job in comedy?) that wasn't used in the Daily Show that night.  Yowza!

6) I found out that a dude I grew up with is a comedian who is becoming somewhat a minor star.   That's a very weird feeling.  I remember when most of his jokes were about me having sex with my two best friends because, hey, gay jokes at age 12?  Gold.  Solid.  Melted.  Gold.

7) I've never in my life identified with the Jews.   I'm Jewish on my parents side.   That's it.  I don't believe any of that hogwash about God (G-d?) or the Torah or wasting every Saturday of my fucking youth in services (good job assholes; why not Tuesday as the Sabbath?).   And I've never felt really all that comfortable around a room full of Jews (as if I was in a group I belonged in I mean).    But I do have to say...getting my hair cut in a salon on the UWS full of Jews cutting other Jews hair is really a lot more comfortable and intellectually hilarious than the place I got my hair cut in Rice Village.   Sure, JAPs are cunts just like WASPs are cunts, but I have to say...JAPs are funnier.

8 ) I always thought I liked hot weather.  A lot.  And I do.   But I gotta say, this 65 degree shit in June when you're walking 9 blocks kicks ass.   Not arriving in a pool of sweat is totally novel for me.   

9) We looked at tix for the next Yanks/Sox series here since we're a 7 minute train ride to FUCKTheFans! Stadium.  FACE.  VALUE.  FACE.   $8,100 for 3 seats behind the Sox dugout.  For a regular season game.   In August.  And they can't figure out why 82% of the fans think tickets cost too much this year.   Who are the other 18%?  Are there than many Steinbrenners in NYC?

10) Alkie's Tour of Overhyped Deli's (incomplete):
  • Katz's Deli.   As Zipp pointed out, an orgasm was once faked on camera there.   If it makes you feel any better, I had to fake one for our waiter when he asked how the corned beef was.   Jesus was that awful.   Soup was good, liver was better.
  • 2nd Avenue Deli.   Not on 2nd Avenue, but you knew that.   Best pastrami on Earth.  That ain't no shit.   Excellent liver.  Very good soup.
  • Barney Greengrass.   2 blocks from my apt, only have to cross one street; so it gets big points for that.   Frankly, the lox was awesome.   As advertised, hipsters be damned.   Best liver we've had yet here and the service is a fucking trip.   Seriously like being in a stupid movie about Manhattan stereotypes.    We'll eat there every Sunday for Bialys and lox.

11) You know how you hear jokes about how small the apts and offices are here?  My office is actually a 6 foot by 7 foot closet with a light in it.   42 sf.   It's not til you're in a space this small that you realize you really don't use much more than that.   Sitting and masturbating requires very little movement.

12) I love that anything over 20 minutes means the delivery took too long here.   "We ordered from the deli downtown and they're not here yet.  I called in that order SEVENTEEN MINUTES AGO!   I'd like to work this afternoon!"   

13)  True fucking story, made my week.  On the subway last night going home, a homeless man gets on the subway to sell us AA batteries at the low low price of $1 a piece.   He declares that he's doing this to earn an honest living and gives us the expiration date of the batteries.   I shit you not, 100% true quote.  "I use these batteries myself in my clock here.   The time is precisely 4:40.  <long pause, like 8 seconds as he looks at his watch>  Excuse me.  The time is 4:50."

150
Beer and Queso / New Twitter Account
« on: June 07, 2009, 03:33:48 pm »
Blame otterjb.

http://twitter.com/astrosalkie

I have no idea how to use this fucking thing or if I even will.  LOL.  OMG.   MVIOF.

151
Beer and Queso / First Pix of TheTerrace
« on: June 06, 2009, 06:45:56 pm »
I know you don't care.   Click BACK on your browser.  Do not click on this link.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/?saved=1

152
Beer and Queso / Chuck Was Right
« on: June 02, 2009, 08:59:37 am »
The women in Midtown Manhattan are hotter than the college chicks in Texas.

It's a different kind of hot, for sure, and I'm not knocking the college chicks in Texas.

These are just the same girls, but grown up with jobs and resources.   Could be that it's 65 degrees outside, so everyone is dressed up, but in summer clothing.

153
Beer and Queso / Finally In NYC (Notes From Last Leg of Trip)
« on: May 31, 2009, 07:29:57 pm »
I'm dead tired, but not from the drive.  The drive was fine.  Except for the Holland Tunnel part of it.  Thanks to chuck and anyone else from NYC for warning me that everyone from NYC returns to the city from their weekend jaunts on the Holland Tunnel at 2pm on Sunday.  News I could have used yesterday.

Straight to notes:

- I spent some quality time in some quality states today.   23 minutes in West Virginia.  13 minutes in Maryland.   Good time had by all and about the max I suggest spending in either state.

- I have two new least favorite states and am trying to decide which one will go first.   Virginia and Pennsylvania.  Granted, I started with a chip on my shoulder regarding PA, but still.   Virginia isn't for lovers.  It's for traffic cops.  I hear the moving violations are really nice this time of year.

- Which leads me to..............the official unveiling of the Alkie 2009 Barstow, California Shittiest City In America Award.   Yes, as you expected, this year (and maybe every year from now on) goes to Allentown, PA.   For those of you from Allentown, you owe me an apology.  Your town is a shithole of the highest order and should be wiped off the face of the Earth.   I've never seen so many defeated faces.  Not people who feel defeated, people who have actually all already lost the game of life and have to live in Allentown.   I had heard it was kind of a pit, but wow.   It's a perfect storm of ugly people, bad food, terrible layout, awful weather, and no economy.   No one smiled.   Now I know why.

- FACT:  The hot Germans moved to Texas.  The other ones moved to Pennsylvania. 

- The Dutch that settled in PA aren't as cool as the Dutch who settled in the Netherlands.

- We moved into our apartment tonight, a day early.  Something we could never do in Texas.  Have you ever tried to move into a rental a day before the lease?   I have.   I was laughed at.  Then yelled at.   Not here.   Let me right in. 

- The best view from our 17th floor apartment on the Upper West Side isn't any of the 6 you'd think of.  No, it's from our bathroom, looking north (?) and you can only see it if you sit on our sink.   Someone fucked up.  Badly.   So we're moving the dining table to our bathroom and peeing in the kitchen sink.

- THERE'S A PLANE HEADED RIGHT FOR THAT BUILDING.  Apparently that building is an airport and I've been told to stop being so fucking paranoid. 

- 524 restaurants deliver to my apartment.   On a Sunday.   There are 4 gourmet grocery stores within 6 blocks of my apartment.   I am never leaving this place.   Mostly because I don't have to.  I hope someone knows how to deliver exercise.

- Who the fuck gets allergies in NYC?  Apparently me.   Goodie.

- Did you realize there is 21 hours a day of sun in NYC during the summer?   Also, there is no sun from October thru February.   November to February if the Yanks make the Series.

- Moving companies should be run out of business.   Our stuff will be here, I shit you not, "between June 1 and June 10."   When will we know when it'll be here?   Because there will be a fucking van in front of our apartment.  How do people run a business like this in 2009?   Have a van and some logistics experience?   Call me, we're going to be billionaires.

- 525 restaurants.  Another one just opened in the last 14 seconds.

- Party at my place in 15 minutes.  Y'all invited.





154
1) Based on the last thread, and against my better judgement, we decided to try Dona Rosa Autentico Mexican Food tonight in Harrisonburg, Virginia (home of James Madison University).   First things first and I want to be very clear that I am not saying this in jest or as satire.  I am being 100% serious.   I don't care if it's a fucking restaurant in a college town 2000 miles from the Mexican border, it makes me ILL to see white spectacled college students taking jobs from hard working Mexicans.  Again, this is not a joke in any way.   I don't want to order chiles rellenos from James, I want to order them from Jaime.   It really upset me.   Now on to the food...after being pleasantly surprised by some really decent tostadas and Negra Modelo, the entree was as bad as you'd expect.   Griddle cooked "asada" with no manteca or spices harmed in the making of this meal.   Rice that was Spanish I guess because someone tried to speak it with them and store bought tortillas.   Ugh.   Got what I deserved.

2) Holy.  Mother.  Fuck.  This godddamn country of ours is fucking enormous.  I've driven for 3 fucking days, including 10 hours today and I'm like half way to NY................and I STARTED half way across the country.   Some notes:

 - Alabama and Tennessee are gorgeous.   My god there are some truly amazing parts of those states.   I'd even go as far as to say some parts were nicer than Central Texas.  That hurt.

 - I've been to Tennessee before and I can say the people are generally very nice and perfectly social human beings.   Then we met two people (one in Knoxville and one in Cleveland) today that did not help the national image Tennessee has.   Wow.   Nodding up and down means YES.  Nodding side to side means NO.   

 - I think it's really interesting that I had to drive for 3 fucking days to finally set foot in a state that voted for Barack Obama.  This country is beyond fucked.    I'll looking at you, dicknose who would have voted for W a third time if you could have.   

 - It's really amazing how many different cultures there are in America.  I don't mean other cultures that came here, I mean American cultures.   Even just in the South, the people in Virginia are NOTHING like Texans.   Not in a bad way, just a point. 

 - JESUS there are a lot of universities in Virginia.  We've driving from almost one edge to the other and every fucking town in this state is PROUD HOME OF ...  UNIVERSITY.   Is there some sort of law or something?

 - To the people of Tennessee and Virginia....slower cars on the right, me on the left.  GET.  OUT.  OF.  THE.  FUCKING.  WAY.

 - Our Least Impressive Sheratons of America Tour is over.  I highly recommend avoiding the Sheraton in downtown Birmingham.   Sure, the people are rude and the rates are high and $20 for valet parking in Alabama is a rip off and sure there's no place to eat or drink within walking distance, but at least there's a concert tonight outside your window.   It was like trying to get a peaceful nice sleep in Puerto Rico. 

 - I find this truly fascinating....thin white people are terrified of our boxers.   Fat people and black people L O V E boxers.   I would love to know why.

We're ahead of schedule, so we pull into NYC tomorrow at 3pm (a day early).   I can't wait to eat food prepared by someone other than a Protestant.   How have Baptists made it this far eating this garbage?

155
Beer and Queso / Last 3 Hours As a Texan
« on: May 28, 2009, 09:57:06 am »
This is definitely weirder than I imagined.

Today is my 33rd birthday.  Who cares?  It should be illegal for anyone over the age of 21 to celebrate the anniversary of their birth.  I'm serious.

But today is special.   Today, I end my 33 years as a continuous Texan.  80% of the people in Texas were born here.  More than any other state.   It's a great place that I swore I'd never leave.   The Q.  The beer.  The women.  The weather.  The open spaces.  The rivers.  The women.   The sports.   The people.  The Mexican food.   The women.   The lack of state income tax.  The ease of running my business.   And of course, this silly ass site; where I spent 10 of my 33 years, almost exclusively.

So, it is quite bittersweet that I end my citizenship in 3 hours here.   I'm so excited about our new digs in NYC, I could plotz.   But I'm gonna miss this state like you wouldn't believe. 

In 3 hours, we'll get in a car and head for the Loosianur border.   I may get out in Orange and cry (not because we're leaving Texas....have you BEEN to Orange??).   

So peace and kissykisses and whatnot to everyone here in Texas.   The eyes of Texas will be upon me, but for at least the next three years, the hands of New York will be in my bank account.

156
Beer and Queso / Goodnight, House That Aggy Built
« on: May 28, 2009, 09:43:33 am »
Goonight House. 
Goodnight Mice.
Goodnight Roachholes and Goodnight Lice.
Goodnight Shower That is Poorly Engineered.
Goodnight Bathroom That's Way Too Cold.
Goodnight Bedroom That Grows With Mold.
Goodnight Kitchen Without Any Lights.
Goodnight Hardwood Floor Nail That Bites.
Goodnight Water Heater In The Backyard.
Goodnight Unmarked Breaker Box Card.
Goodnight 100 Year Flood Plain Plot.
Goodnight Oddly Misshapen, Unsurveyed Lot.
So I'll say Goodnight to the Harris County Tax Collector
And a Big Fuck You To The World's Worst Home Inspector

157
Well, it's kind of hard to believe, but this Thursday marks the end of my 33 year run as a citizen and resident of Texas (on the nose; we're unintentionally leaving on my 33rd birthday).   

On Thursday morning, some irresponsible men who have made some poor life decisions will be let into my house to load up my personal property and load it into a large moving van.   As soon as they're done, we're off to a title company to close on the sale of our house.   Once that madness is complete.........we leave Texas (not forever or anything; I'm positive we'll be back).

I'm trying to find a suitable place to eat our last meal as Texans and figure it should be either in Orange or (if something exists; I just don't remember) something between Orange and the Louisiana border.    BBQ would be best, but if it's southern fried, that would work too.   

Appreciate any help.   

158
Alright, let's do this.   I want to see Keppinger playing 2nd and hitting in at least 4 different spots in the lineup.

159
Talk Zone / Retired
« on: July 09, 2007, 10:27:02 am »
Don't feel a need to respond to this post; I'm not interested.  I had absolutely no intention of posting this, but I've gotten about a dozen emails and this seemed easier than responding to them (and any future emails). 

After 10 years, I have decided to give up the Alkie character I've played in here and on the previous site.  A serious thank you to everyone in here over the last 10 years who I have befriended, either in real life or virtually on the site.   I'm not pissed.  I'm not confused.  There's nothing bad happening off the board that has played in to this.  I'll probably be around to read threads regarding Astros news, but I have no intention of posting any more.  I'm not saying I won't change my mind in the future, but right now, I'm done as Alkie and am happy with that decision. 

160
Talk Zone / You Don't Have Mangina To Kick Around Anymore
« on: June 20, 2007, 09:11:38 am »
Cubs trade Cancer Barrett to the Padres for, and I quote, "something; we're not sure yet."

161
Talk Zone / Santana
« on: June 19, 2007, 07:58:31 pm »
I really don't get much of a chance to watch Johan since the Twins are in Central time and I'm usually watching the Astros while the Twins are playing.

Everyone knows how awesome the guy is, but he's really really fun to watch.

He's mowing down the steM in HD right now.  It's must-see-TV.  Oh, and it's 9-0 Twins.

162
Game Zone 2007 Archive / Houston at Garden Grove - Juneteenth, 2007
« on: June 19, 2007, 07:27:13 pm »
Just kidding.  Game's in like 4 hours.

Come back then.

163
Talk Zone / Nooooooooooooooooooo!
« on: June 19, 2007, 07:24:11 pm »
"Hamilton hopes to continue broadcasting games through 2010."

There's no fucking way we can put up with 3 more fucking seasons of this shit.

DoRay is totally...uh....there?  Adequate?  What am I looking for?

But it's a billion times better than Milo and anyone.  How is Milo good for the Houston Astros?  Does he sell more somethingsomething?

164
Talk Zone / I Went to Bed at 11:35, Up 9-4. We Won, Right?
« on: June 19, 2007, 10:12:50 am »
Bases loaded, Qualls in, I figured "hell, he'll get the DP, we ain't blowing a 5 run lead...even to the Angels."

I read the GZ. 

Someone wanna tell me what the fuck happened after I went to fucking bed?

I understand there were some bad bounces and shitty umpiring.  SIX FUCKING RUNS WORTH??

165
Talk Zone / Won't Happen, But...
« on: June 18, 2007, 04:21:34 pm »
Biggio starts tonight and goes 5x5.

He sits 6 hits away with 8 road games to go.

He plays how many of those games?

166
Talk Zone / HD
« on: June 18, 2007, 02:42:55 pm »
By the way, for those with DirecTV, we're on Channel 95 tonight in HD.  You know, if you have a shitload of coffee and meth.

167
Talk Zone / Help Me With The Internets! (Totally Non-bb)
« on: June 17, 2007, 05:08:09 pm »
Deleted.

168
Talk Zone / Expanding Interleague
« on: June 17, 2007, 04:33:05 pm »
Why stop with letting NL teams play with a DH? 

I suggest MLB vs beer league women's softball teams.  Counts in the standings and everything.

Rovers.  Kegs.  Kneepads.  Underhand.  Grapefruit-sized balls (also, softballs will be used). 

Or wait!  MLB vs. NASCAR!  WAIT WAIT!  DON'T GET ME STARTED!!!  MLB vs. Dentistry!   Yes!  YES!   Oh man.  We can finally see all the oral surgeons from Michigan that we never get a chance to see!  I love it!

God, I hate interleague.  I want to see some NL Central teams and I want the players to have to play offense AND defense.  How much do you have to be bored by baseball anyway to get excited about interleague play?  It seems like the only people I know who like it are the less-than-casual fans who, honestly, have no idea that Seattle doesn't usually play Houston anyway.

169
Talk Zone / God DAMMIT.
« on: June 17, 2007, 04:27:50 pm »
As if this silly Interleague wasn't bad enough (I'm so fucking bored of the AL West), we get to look forward to three during-the-week 9pm start times again.  Goodie.

Thanks Bud.

170
Talk Zone / It's June 17th, You Compare and Discuss:
« on: June 17, 2007, 08:56:57 am »
Pitcher A - .500 team winning percentage in his starts, 3.65 ERA
Pitcher B - .500 team winning percentage in his starts, 3.29 ERA

Pitcher A, of course, costs his team $840,000 per START.  Pitcher B, of course, costs his team $380,000 for the SEASON

Pitcher A decided to take off the first couple months of the year, leading his team (any of the 3 possibilities) to a total of zero wins.  Pitcher B has made 12 starts so far and has had a decision in 11 of them. 

Pitcher A is a local kid (from Dayton, Ohio).  Pitcher B is a local kid (from Pasadena, Texas).

And why am I specifically comparing Roger to Sampson?  Because if Roger had decided to come back to the Astros in December and had been in the rotation from the beginning of the year, you'd have never thought about Sampson, since he'd be pitching for Round Rock right now. 

Sometimes...you get lucky.  And sometimes...it's better to be lucky than good.

171
Talk Zone / Corrected (Re-Houston Housing Market)
« on: June 14, 2007, 09:11:14 am »
I stand corrected.  You CAN get a 1/1 condo inside the loop, west of 45, in an area where you probably won't have to clean the dead transvestites off your porch/roof/car every morning.

http://search.har.com/engine/dispSearch.cfm?mlnum=5015828&class=2&leadid=6&sTYPE=0&backButton=Y

Still...yes, this is in the middle of Greenway Plaza and basically right off the convenient freeway, but does anyone else see a problem with $136/sf for a condo with no parking in HOUSTON?  I mean, it's not like you can walk to the Village or even Star Pizza from here.

172
Talk Zone / Best. Quote. Ever.
« on: June 12, 2007, 09:13:48 am »
I stole this from firejoemorgan.com, but it was too good to pass up.

Of Bonds HR No. 747, Giants manager Bruce Bochy said: "We needed a shot in the arm and he gave it to us."

173
Talk Zone / Here's a Prediction You Can Write Down
« on: June 10, 2007, 08:58:37 pm »
If this has already been reported by anyone outside the man in my eyebrow, I apologize.

McLane sells the team this offseason.

174
Talk Zone / If You're Not Watching the Cubs/Braves
« on: June 10, 2007, 07:27:21 pm »
Ted Lilly was just tossed in the 1st for a HBP without a real warning.  Piniella has a look on his face like he's going to retire sometime during this game.

175
Talk Zone / If The Astros Would Just Score 4 Runs a Game...
« on: June 09, 2007, 09:42:32 am »
Keep in mind, league average this year is 4.42 runs/game and the Astros are even averaging 4.15 runs/game, so it's not like I'm saying "you know, if the Astros would just score 16 runs a game......."

Jason Jennings would be 3-0
Chris Sampson would be 8-1
Roy Oswalt would be 9-2
Wandy Rodriguez would be 8-3
Woody Wiliams would be 7-4

Hell, even Matt Albers would have been 3-3.   

Just four runs a game, and you're looking at Roy and Sampson in the All-Star Game.


176
Talk Zone / Lance Starting to Come Around?
« on: June 09, 2007, 09:31:58 am »
9.02
(a) Any umpire’s decision which involves judgment, such as, but not limited to, whether a batted ball is fair or foul, whether a pitch is a strike or a ball, or whether a runner is safe or out, is final. No player, manager, coach or substitute shall object to any such judgment decisions.


"The only thing I can think of is that if you know you're wrong, you get really defensive. Maybe they didn't like the fact that attention was being brought to a questionable call," Berkman said.

2 + 2 = $2.22

177
Talk Zone / Two Games and a Fine.
« on: June 08, 2007, 09:49:23 am »
Lance Berkman of the Houston Astros has been suspended for two games and fined an undisclosed amount for his inappropriate actions during his Club's June 5th game against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field in Denver. Bob Watson, Vice President of On-Field Operations for Major League Baseball, made the announcement.

178
Talk Zone / Stupid Fucking AL Baseball
« on: June 07, 2007, 09:22:45 pm »
I go to Astros.com and see this headline:

Astros notes: Lee and Biggio to DH

and of course my brain reads it:

Astros notes: Lee and Biggio to DL

and started SCREAMING inside.  Then I realized it said DH and then I realized why it said DH and then my brain started SCREAMING inside.

179
Talk Zone / Under Purpura's Watch
« on: June 03, 2007, 06:53:42 pm »
The Astros have gone 194-186 (.510).

We made a WS, which I think everyone can agree, with Hunsicker's players (Tim DOES get credit for not fucking it up, for what that's worth.  I mean, he didn't hold a fire sale when he could have). 

The Astros have averaged 4.36 runs a game, while the NL average over the same period was 4.59.

The 2007 Astros average 0.40 runs fewer per game than the NL average and give up 0.27 runs per game more than the average NL team.   

It is now June.  Other than a desperate-but-lucky move to call up Hunter Pence, Tim Purpura has made a total net moves of zero.  He sent down Burke, but then rewarded him with his not-hitting-in-RR with a call back up.  Bravo, Tim.  That was a brilliant use of resources and time.   

If Drayton wants to begin a new search, I'm officially for it.  This means nothing and it has no bearing on the team, and I understand that.  I'm just beyond frustrated with today's "big move."

ETA:  The Astros had a winning percentage of .568 in Hunsicker's last year.  A .549 in Tim's first year.   .506 in his second year.  And .411 so far this year.   

Tim Purpura has not made the Astros better. 

180
Talk Zone / WhiteSox Shopping Dye
« on: June 02, 2007, 07:18:22 am »
What do they need that we have?  How fast can we give it to them?

181
Talk Zone / If the Braves, Dodgers, and Stros Win Today
« on: June 01, 2007, 07:13:22 am »
We got us a 4-way tie for 2nd place in the Central.

182
Talk Zone / Which Would You Rather Have?
« on: May 31, 2007, 12:27:58 pm »
Let's say I gave you a choice of one of the following pitchers.  You only get one.  Which one would you take for the (remainder of) 2007 Astros and why?  Assume this pitcher doesn't "take" anyone's place in the rotation, but the rest of the offense, defense, and bullpen remains exactly the same.

Pitcher A: Pitcher A will start every 5th day and pitch exactly 5 innings and give up exactly 3 runs in every outing.

Pitcher B: Pitcher B will start every 5th day and pitch exactly 7 innings and give up exactly 4 runs in every outing.

Pitcher C: Pitcher C will start every 5th day and pitch exactly 9 innings, but will give up 1 run 10% of the time, 3 runs 30% of the time, and 5 runs 60% of the time.

183
Talk Zone / May 30th
« on: May 30, 2007, 10:26:40 pm »
On May 30, 2005 the Astros had a record of 18-32 and were 15 games out.   They didn't win another game that season and ended in last place in two different divisions.

184
Talk Zone / Guarantee
« on: May 27, 2007, 07:56:27 pm »
Jennings wins Tuesday.

185
Talk Zone / Lineup
« on: May 27, 2007, 12:27:32 pm »
I really like the lineup the last two days, but I propose a change to maximize the team's play thru 2 months:

Loretta - 2b (OBP .402)
Berkman - 1b (OBP .403)
Pence - CF (OPS .996)
Lee - LF (SLG .547)
Scott - RF (SLG .417)
Lamb - 3b (SLG .410)
Ausmus - C (Defense)
Everett - SS (Defense)
P

I think that if you're going to insist that Ausmus and Everett play for their defense, this is the best (statistically speaking) lineup the Astros could put up right now.  If you want to flip Lance and Loretta you could make that argument as well.  I'm not sure whether you want more Ks in the 1-spot or the 2-spot, since either way, you're looking at Loretta at 1st and 1 down.

Lance Berkman has done one thing well this year: get on base.  Move him up, not down.  We're not stealing any bases anyway.

186
Talk Zone / Only The Nats and Reds
« on: May 27, 2007, 07:55:37 am »
Are worse now.

And the Reds get a chance to leapfrog us at home in a couple days. 

187
Talk Zone / steM Need a RF
« on: May 26, 2007, 07:34:25 pm »
Shawn Green breaks foot.

Scott for Heilman?  ¡Seguro que si!

188
Talk Zone / Oakland A's Thoughts On Barry-Ball
« on: May 26, 2007, 04:15:31 pm »
I'm sure there are some fans in here from the Bay Area that have already seen this, but I just saw it for the first time.

The A's have shirts out that have their logo in the middle that say:

ZERO SPLASH HITS

     (Oakland A's)

FOUR WORLD TITLES


Reminding Jints fans of the things that really matter.  Fuck Barry, fuck his fake chase, and fuck the Giants fans who support it.

189
Talk Zone / Stark Names Roy Most Underrated Player in MLB
« on: May 25, 2007, 12:04:54 pm »
www.espn.com/mlb

Biggio rated most underrated 2B of all time.

190
Talk Zone / Eyes Hurt. Reaction Time Slow.
« on: May 22, 2007, 09:41:44 am »
I hate west coast games. 

I hate LOSING west coast games even more.

How do people on the east coast watch their teams play west coast games?  Do they just take the week off?

191
I hate ESPN.  Does anyone on Earth give a shit about the 4th place vs 1st place game going on right now in NY?

192
Talk Zone / Dusty Baker in "Paying Attention"
« on: May 14, 2007, 07:23:01 pm »
ESPN is showing the Cubs/steM right now and for some reason Dusty Baker is calling this game.

To kill time, they had each guy in the booth choose their overall #1 pitcher in baseball.

Dusty Baker, who managed the division rival Chicago Cubs for FOUR.  FUCKING.  YEARS.  declared "Roy Ahws-walt" to be his #1 pitcher overall.

THEN LEARN HIS FUCKING NAME, BITCH.

193
Talk Zone / Now THAT Is a Trade.
« on: May 14, 2007, 02:22:27 pm »
December 8, 1977:
The Texas Rangers trade Bert Blyleven to the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The Atlanta Braves trade Willie Montanez to the New York Mets.
The Texas Rangers trade Adrian Devine, Tommy Boggs, and Eddie Miller to the Atlanta Braves.
The Texas Rangers trade a player to be named later and Tom Grieve to the New York Mets.
The Pittsburgh Pirates trade Al Oliver and Nelson Norman to the Texas Rangers.
The New York Mets trade Jon Matlack to the Texas Rangers.
The New York Mets trade John Milner to the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The Texas Rangers trade Ken Henderson (March 15, 1978) to the New York Mets to complete the trade.

They don't make trades like this anymore.

194
Talk Zone / MLB Strikes Again
« on: May 14, 2007, 02:04:50 pm »
In an effort to boost sagging ratings for the World Series, Major League Baseball will announce Monday that the 2007 Fall Classic will start on Wednesday instead of Saturday, USA Today reported.

A Wednesday start will allow baseball to avoid playing on Friday, which is TV's second-least watched night after Saturday. If the Series goes to a Game 5, it also would go head-to-head with ESPN's Monday Night Football.


http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2869747

Dat's a preety gude idea, maign.

Let's see.  Ratings are sagging, can't even get people to watch on a Friday night, so...let's put Game Five up against the Packers/Broncos.  Granted, that football game will suck; it's still a stupid idea.

Which will result in fewer viewers........Friday night baseball or opposite the biggest show on television?

I like the cut of Bud's jib.  He's a thinker, he is.

195
Talk Zone / Confused by ESPN.com Poll
« on: May 14, 2007, 09:00:44 am »
The question is:

Which team is the best in baseball?
- Braves
- Brewers
- Mets
- RedSox
- Tigers


I really want to vote in this poll, but I can't seem to find the Yankees option button.

196
Talk Zone / Bullpen ERA
« on: May 13, 2007, 09:00:19 pm »
These guys:
Rick White
Brian Moehler
Dave Borkowski
Dan Wheeler
Brad Lidge

have a combined ERA of 3.23

Add Qualls, and it only goes up to 3.35.

You want to talk about the unexpected positives about the '07 Astros, here you go:
Rick White
Brian Moehler
Dave Borkowski

have a combined 2.79 ERA.  You'd have to think that we have, almost without question, the best mop-up, long-middle-relief, and setup-setup-setup staff in baseball.

I am on hydrocodone, so if something here didn't make perfect crimson dragon eating my ear, I'm sorry.

197
The Bus Ride Discussion Forum / History of Astros Affiliates
« on: May 13, 2007, 08:26:47 am »
Does anyone have a place where I can see the history of the Astros minor league cities?  I got into a discussion last night with a family member and we got a couple bets to settle.  Really appreciate it.

If you want to just PM me, that's cool too.

198
Talk Zone / Attendance Records
« on: May 11, 2007, 11:09:15 am »
Tonight, I will be attending my first Astros game of the season in person.  If we win, I will take all the credit.  If we lose, I will blame my idiot cousin, the Snakes fan, who is going with me.

If you'd like to start a fund to buy me season tix in case we win tonight, that would be a good idea.

For the record, my daughter will also be in attendance.  In the 7 games she went to last year, an Astro homered in the first inning in all 7.  Place your bets, gentlemen.

199
Talk Zone / I'm Sorry. This Sounds Like an Onion Headline.
« on: May 08, 2007, 01:38:29 pm »
"David Ortiz not convinced Bonds a product of steroids"

200
Talk Zone / Cards Series and Efficiency.
« on: May 06, 2007, 06:30:30 pm »
I was out of town the last 3 days with no internet and I'll be damned if I'm going to go thru the entire GZ, so if this was already posted, I apologize.

On the way home today, we had to listen to the Cards broadcast and they brought up something that struck me as fairly amazing.

The Cardinals scored in EXACTLY 2 innings in this entire series.  And won 2 games.  Wow.

201
Talk Zone / Open Letter to the Cajun Twat and his Buckeye Bitch
« on: May 06, 2007, 05:19:54 pm »
You ain't from round here...are you?

No, you're not from Texas.  Baton Rouge and Dayton respectively.  You weren't born here.  You didn't make your marks here.  And now you don't even live here anymore.

You are both New Yorkers.  You always were, and we knew that, but now it's official again.  Good for both of you.  You deserve it.  Big city, bright lights, adoring fans who will bow to you in the owner's box.  Enjoy.

I hated both of you for years. 

Alice, I hated you from the beginning.  You were the Constant Yankee during all those years I was in high school and college and I couldn't fucking stand you.   Every fucking postseason or so, I had to be reminded of you and your Yankeeness.  Hell, I didn't even know you were "from" Houston (well...Pasadena) until a few weeks before you signed here a few years back.  You're a twat.  I never liked you.  When you signed here, I was happy to have the quality arm (or so I thought), but I said THE DAY YOU SIGNED, "he'll always be a Yankee.  He could win 4 rings here; he'll always be a Yankee."  I could find the email to a fellow Astro fan that day with that quote, but it'll take me a little while to find it.  And I was right.  You're a fucking Yankee.  You'll always be a fucking Yankee.  And for that reason alone, I'll always hate you.

Rocket, you were always a cocksucker.  I hated you as a RedSox.  I hated you as a Jay.  And I despised you as a fucking Yankee.   You whiny, bitchy, prissy, polesmoking, laughable jackass pussy ego-driven prom queen fairy.  You're from Ohio.  Let me get out my map here.   Ohio...Ohio...Ohio...no.  OKLAHOMA, that was the O-state that borders Texas.  Shit!  Ohio is WAY UP HERE.  Fuck!  It's not even NEAR Texas.  You're not a Texan!  You're a Yankee, through and fucking through!  You pussy.  Retire to get all the press.  Un-retire to get all the press.  Hold out to get all the press.  Everything is such a production with you. 

Thanks for the pitch to Rolen in Game Seven.  Thanks for the season on the DL.  Thanks for the 1st half of shitty pitching.  Thanks for wasting all our fucking time in April and May last year.  Thanks for all the whining and complaining; I know you didn't do it to the press.  Oh wait.  THAT's right.  Andy DID complain to the press last year about the run support.  Whiny fucking whore.  Enjoy the Yankee lineup, you bitch.  Did this ever occur to you...if you didn't get enough run support, that only means the OTHER pitcher found a way to allow fewer runs than YOU.  Be a man.  You flappy, drippy, festering twat.

I hope they find a way to test for HGH.  I hope the Yankees continue to suck, even WITH you guys.  I hope you get to watch the Astros this October from HOME...in NEW YORK. 

You've gone home, Yankees.  Now stay there. 

202
Game Zone 2007 Archive / ASTROS vs THEMSELVES - May 2, 2007
« on: May 02, 2007, 06:42:01 pm »
ASTROS

Biggio 2b
Pence CF
Berkman 1b
Lee LF
Loretta 3b
Scott RF
Everett SS
Ausmus C
Oswalt P

The other team doesn't matter.

203
Talk Zone / We Know What We Have To Do
« on: May 02, 2007, 08:48:14 am »
Over the last 10 games:

Games played immediately after Hunter Pence called up - 1-0 (1.000)
Games played not immediately after Hunter Pence called up - 0-9 (0.000)

Send him down.  Call him up.  It's the only thing proven to work.

Stros have averaged 2.33 runs per game in those 9 losses.  So, if they can convince Clemens AND Gibson AND Koufax AND Mathewson to come back this season, I'm printing playoff tickets.

Further congrats to the boys on the field...only the Nats, Royals, and Rangers are worse than you now.  Huzzah!

204
Game Zone 2007 Archive / Commies at PENCE! - Mayday, 2007
« on: May 01, 2007, 06:31:39 pm »
REDS LINEUP

Who cares.


ASTROS LINEUP

Biggio  2b
Lamb  3b
Berkman  1b
Lee  LF
Scott  RF
PENCE!!!!  CF
Everett   SS
Ausmus   C
Albers  P

Dana Larson is wearing her underwear on the air.  I like her more and more every day.

205
Talk Zone / Dodgers and Padres to the 17th
« on: April 29, 2007, 07:36:37 pm »
If you have the package and have nothing else to watch, there's still baseball on right now thanks to the Dodgers and Padres.

4-4 in the 17th.

206
Talk Zone / Jennings and Rotation Spot
« on: April 29, 2007, 10:32:34 am »
I know this isn't exactly timely, since Jennings is on the DL and we had this discussion right after the trade for him, but I was just reading an article about the average ERA by rotation spot (so it got me thinking about it).

Lg      #1      #2      #3      #4      #5
MLB     3.60    4.14    4.58    5.10    6.24
NL      3.51    4.04    4.57    5.11    6.26

Spot    MLB     NL
#1/#2   3.87    3.78
#2/#3   4.36    4.31
#3/#4   4.84    4.84
#4/#5   5.67    5.68

So, I looked it up.  Jason Jennings had an ERA of 4.81 over the 4 years before the trade, and was even pretty consistent home/away (4.76 away, 4.87 in Coors).

For everyone who jumped my shit when I said he was a #3/#4 at best and who tried to convince me that Purpura was completely justified in calling Jennings a solid #2, try again.  He's not.  He had one year where he was a #1/#2.  Stop drinking the Koolaid.  Bushneck lackeys.

Have a nice Sunday.  Go Astros.  VIVA ALL CAPS!

207
Talk Zone / Right About First Pitch Tonight...
« on: April 28, 2007, 04:57:05 pm »
If the Cubs don't blow the 7-0 lead they have right now, we start the game tonight all alone in dead last, 3rd worst team in the NL, 5th worst in the majors.

We need a spark.  Time to call up Pence.

208
Talk Zone / Screen Behind the Plate Question
« on: April 28, 2007, 02:59:38 pm »
Anyone remember which sections are behind the screen?

Appreciate it.

209
Talk Zone / Babelfish and Pitching Changes
« on: April 27, 2007, 09:25:11 am »
In El Paso, where we once had real minor league baseball through my entire childhood, during a pitching change, the PA would play an old mariachi/ranchero song called "Volver, Volver", which the entire stadium sung along with until the pitcher was back in the dugout.

I always thought it was pretty cool and have always liked the song, personally.

So, I figured I'd look up the words in Babelfish this morning to figure out the few words I didn't know. 

I shit you fucking not, I am not fudging this at all.  Look it up if you want to.

The real words:
Este amor apasionado, anda todo alborotado , por volver.
voy camino a la locura y aunque todo me tortura, se querer.

Nos dejamos hace tiempo pero me llego el momento de perder
tu tenias mucha razon, le hago caso al corazón y me muero
por volver

"Y volver volver,volver a tus brazos otra vez, llegaré hasta donde estés
yo se perder,yo se perder, quiero volver, volver, volver."


Babelfish:

This enthusiastic love, walks everything excited, to return
I go way to madness and although all it tortures, to be wanted to me.

We left ourselves a long time ago but I arrive the moment for losing
your tapeworms much reason, I do case to him to the heart and I die
to return

"and to return to return, to return again to your arms, I will arrive to where you
are to lose itself, I to lose itself, want to return, to return, to return."

210
Game Zone 2007 Archive / SteadyStars vs SeaThieves - April 25, 2007
« on: April 25, 2007, 06:01:20 pm »
Houston 
C. Biggio 2b 
C. Burke cf   
L. Berkman 1b   
C. Lee lf 
M. Ensberg 3b   
J. Lane rf 
A. Everett ss   
B. Ausmus c 
M. Albers p   
   
 
 Pittsburgh
C. Duffy cf 
J. Wilson ss   
F. Sanchez 2b 
J. Bay lf   
A. LaRoche 1b 
J. Bautista 3b   
B. Eldred rf 
R. Paulino c   
Z. Duke p  

211
Talk Zone / NYCU - Runs Given
« on: April 25, 2007, 09:00:50 am »
Pravata, that's where you're wrong.

The extra run that was scored by Burke's brilliant CF play was nullified later when AE made that diving stop to save a run.

Still would have lost 3-0.

THAT'S IT!  AE IN CENTER!

212
Talk Zone / Garner Provides BB Material
« on: April 25, 2007, 08:07:19 am »
Why would you say this after the first game of a three game series?

"We're just better than that," Garner said. "These guys are 4-0 against us, and what have we scored the most, two runs in a game (four on April 4)? Their pitching's not that good. They pitch pretty good, but it's not that good."

Of course it's true, but you don't say that to the press.

213
Talk Zone / The Adventures of JD and "Pot" Brownie
« on: April 24, 2007, 08:00:40 am »
Someone wanna tell me what the fuck Brownie was doing on-air last night?

I actually even had a dream about it; it was so fucking weird.

214
Talk Zone / No East Coast Bias Here
« on: April 23, 2007, 08:37:18 am »
Cover story on ESPN.com/mlb right now is

HOW SWEEP IT IS and a few hundred stories on the 1st place Red Sox sweeping out the 3rd place and currently under .500 Yankees at home.  In April. 

You know...I remember when I was in high school in the early 90s and I am absolutely certain that when the Yanks played the Sox back then, not one person outside of NY or NE gave a shit or even knew it was going on.  And we had ESPN.

I try to imagine what it would be like if ESPN was headquartered in, say, Skokie or Bakersfield.  Would we have to hear about the Cubs and Cards or Dodgers and Giants all day?  Why is it that I think the answer to that is "no"? 

Here's a legit question for our people in the northeast: does the general illiterate public up there actually think that people around the nation are just captivated by the Yanks/RedSox or is it that they just know that THEY are and don't care what us rednecks watch/think?

215
Talk Zone / Anyone at NASA...
« on: April 20, 2007, 02:38:50 pm »
Wanna tell us what the hell is going on down there?

216
Talk Zone / Gar's Quote
« on: April 17, 2007, 08:12:00 am »
Actual quote - "Manso made the right call, because Loretta is two steps from third base by the time Bor's getting ready to get the ball," Garner said. "He has to hold him up at that moment. Then when he sees him bobble the ball, Manso tries to bring him on, and Lo wasn't looking at him at the time."

I fixed it for him - "Manso made the ri call, bec Lo is two steps from thi by the time Bor's getting ready to get the ba," Gar said. "He has to hold him up at that mo. Then when he sees him bob the ba, Manso tries to bring him on, and Lo wasn't looking at him at the ti."

217
If you put the game on SAP, you get to hear the field mic, but not the annoying Fox announcers.

218
Talk Zone / A Dartmouth Education
« on: April 14, 2007, 08:49:51 am »
"I still prefer to play south of Antarctica." - Brad Ausmus, after last night's game.

Dude, that's going to be REAAAAAAALLY difficult.

219
Talk Zone / Hello. My Brain is Bleeding.
« on: April 10, 2007, 07:56:40 pm »
So far:

Thru 40 career IP against the National League, Chris Sampson has an ERA of 1.13.   That's career.

In Round Rock, he was 12-3 with an ERA of 2.51. 

In his last 167.2 IP at any level, he has an ERA of 2.31.

He averages more innings pitched than baserunners (WHIP for you fantacrappers).

He keeps the ball on the ground and controls the few situations where someone gets on base.

SOMEONE who claims to know a lot about Major League decisions....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY NEED TO DO TO GET RESPECT??

Why isn't he a #2 or #3 starter??  What is it that he does that has almost no one in the org going "we have us a legit, top of the rotation starter here"? 

All he's done is produce at every level and win. 

220
Talk Zone / Any Fast Typers Want a Quick $40? (non-bb)
« on: April 09, 2007, 01:54:25 pm »
Sorry to post this here, but I figured a lot of people would be on with the game going on right now and one of you might need some beer money.  I need someone to transcribe a 7 page scanned/faxed PDF into a Word Doc.  Not much work, but I don't have time to do this and a client needs it in the next two hours. 

Pays $40, which I can paypal to you immediately. 

If interested, please PM me. 


221
Talk Zone / Lidge - Just Stats, No Nasty Rant
« on: April 08, 2007, 04:30:38 pm »
Last 15 appearances:
In 9 appearances, he's given up at least 1 run
ERA of 6.11
24 baserunners in 17.2 IP (3 HRs)
4 saves
More hits than Ks

His ERA is worse over his last 15 games than over his last 16-80 appearances.  He's not getting better.  His "recent ERA" is actually almost 1.5 runs worse than his overall ERA over the past season plus.  Wow.

222
Game Zone 2007 Archive / Cards at Astros - April 8, 2007
« on: April 08, 2007, 12:49:20 pm »
Loretta starting at SS.  Is Everett hurt?

223
Talk Zone / Goddamn steM
« on: April 07, 2007, 04:08:44 pm »
WOW.

Anyone else notice they're not just 4-0 so far, they've outscored their opponents 31-3?  That's against the Cards and Braves.

Looks like some rag-tag-bunch-of-cocksuckers came to play this year.

224
Talk Zone / Justified Rant
« on: April 06, 2007, 09:36:46 am »
Look, I'm glad that on the last day of Spring, the team finally came to its senses and made Chris Sampson the #5, but CHUY HAROLD CHRISTO.  What does this guy have to do to get proper respect from this team?

Career stats:
13 G
37.0 IP
33 total baserunners
1.95 ERA

What's the question with him?  Why doesn't the team say "you know, this kid seems to get outs and keep the other team from scoring more often than not!  Perhaps he should be starting 25 times a year instead of Wandy Rodfuckingriguez!" 

Usually I assume that when I come to a conclusion like this and the team does the opposite, there's a REAL good reason that I'm just not aware of, and that makes me feel better.  After all, I'm not running the club.

But in this case, I'm just dumbfounded.

Someone, ANYONE explain to me what the thinking is, SERIOUSLY, behind Wandy starting 3 times every 2 weeks and Chris Sampson getting spot starts.

And please don't give me the Terry Mulholland Theory, because we have at LEAST two perfectly good long middle relievers.

225
Talk Zone / Reds Broadcast
« on: April 04, 2007, 06:38:12 pm »
I'm sorry, did I miss something?  I always imagined Cincinnati being a major fucking city.

I've watched one inning of the Reds and Cubs on FoxSports-Ohio and have so far been subjected to these two commercials:

1) farmersonly.com.  I thought it was a fucking joke, but no.  It's real.

2) Skyline Chili's buffalo chicken wrap - heatlamp warmed pieces of real chicken flavoured product dipped in something called 'buffalo sauce' (which looked more like the mammal than the spicy chicken wings), and then lovingly wrapped in some PERFECTLY round, PERFECTLY smooth unnatural tortilla substance.  It looked fake. 

What's wrong with that fucking place?

226
Talk Zone / Rosters
« on: March 31, 2007, 03:02:07 pm »
When do they have to be set?

Does it look like we're skipping the #5 this week with the off day?


227
Talk Zone / My Culture, Raped.
« on: March 12, 2007, 10:21:08 pm »
This is the mascot for the Albuquerque Isotopes.

 Link

As if the name weren't bad enough, this "creature" is clearly a rainbow gut.

228
Talk Zone / Bernie Williams Feels The Pettitte-Treatment?
« on: February 18, 2007, 10:40:33 pm »
Bernie is hurt that the Yankees won't guarantee his contract for this year.  

When did all these ballplayers become such huge fucking pussies?  My 4-year-old has friends who are more secure.

229
Talk Zone / "Shawn Estes Would Be a #1 On Any Other Team in the NL."
« on: February 18, 2007, 08:42:20 pm »
That's what Chip Caray said on the air during a broadcast in 2003.

It was just as stupid as what Purpura said about Jennings today.  

Before the trade, I thought we all agreed in here that Jennings would be nice as a servicable #3 or #4.  Now, I'm to believe he's a #1 or #2 on any team in the league?  C'mon Tim, that's just silly.

230
Talk Zone / Lists of Trades?
« on: February 11, 2007, 12:51:08 pm »
Is there any place to get a list of MLB trades so I don't have to just click thru TRANSACTIONS page after TRANSACTIONS page?  

Specifically, I'm trying to find a list of trades over the years involving 1-superstar-for-multiple-non-superstars.  

Appreciate any help.

231
Talk Zone / McGwire Gets Into HoF
« on: February 11, 2007, 12:37:17 pm »
"In the 2007 balloting for the Baseball Hall of Fame, McGwire made it to election to the Hall, receiving 545 of the 545 cast, for 100% of the vote."

 I love wikipedia.

232
Talk Zone / Mulder Remains a Card
« on: January 10, 2007, 06:45:35 pm »
I don't like it.

I think at the end of the year, everyone looks back and wonders why no one was interested in Mulder.  I know the answer to that.  But I bet it happens.

233
Talk Zone / Funny How That Goes - Astros-Related
« on: December 28, 2006, 02:17:21 am »
So, my wife and I are celebrating our 5th Anniversary at the Central Californian Coast.  Tonight at a world famous restaurant, we sat a table over from Bill Geivett, his wife, and some agent that lives here.  For those of you that don't know Bill, he is the VP of Baseball Ops for the Colorado Rockies.  

Don't feel too bad, I had no idea who he was either.

Anyway, about halfway into the appetizer, he started talking about some Jason Jennings trade with the Houston something-or-others.

He said they have absolutely no expectations whatsoever for Hirsh or Buchholz.  He said Buchholz had some "good stuff but no idea what he was doing" and that Hirsh had "decent upside, but was never going to be a star and we knew that."   No mention in any form of Willy.  I got the impression that they knew Jennings would never re-sign and they wanted something for him.

Based on what I heard tonight, don't be surprised if the Rox turn around and trade either or both pitchers as fast as possible while their perceived value is still "high."  

Funny how that works out.  Last thing I expected to hear tonight at dinner was first-hand info on the Jennings trade.

Also, I've yet to meet a baseball agent who isn't a self-important asshole.  The streak continues.

ETA: Oh yeah, he said Kevin Malone was a moron who never liked him because he knew he was after his job and that Brian Sabean only has a job in baseball because of his father, and that he's a dumbass.

234
Talk Zone / "New York is Where God Wants Me"
« on: December 10, 2006, 12:31:03 pm »
I know New York is where God wants me and where he's put me for this year.

I know we all wish we had Steinbrenner as an owner of our teams, but I'm not sure I'd call him "God".

235
Talk Zone / Possible #2s
« on: December 08, 2006, 06:42:07 pm »
Some longshots, some easily-doable:

Josh Beckett
AJ Burnett
Chris Capuano
Jon Garland
Jon Leiber
Kevin Millwood
Mark Mulder
Jake Peavy
Ben Sheets
Jeff Suppan

Feel free to add or subtract.  For Halladay and Wells, you think we need to give up Roy, Lance, and the Crawford Boxes?

236
Talk Zone / Hahahahahah. Wait. Hahahahaha.
« on: December 07, 2006, 11:05:36 am »
Cardinals talking to Barry Bonds.

For what?  

Oh man.  You.  Do that.  

Hahahahahahah.  Man, that's good.

237
Talk Zone / Freddy Garcia Gone
« on: December 06, 2006, 11:31:54 pm »
Traded to the Phils for 2 dudes.

Next?

238
Talk Zone / Andy Returns
« on: December 06, 2006, 06:48:46 pm »
.....but maybe not here.  ESPN announcing that he is officially returning for 2007 and that it's down to the Yanks and Astros.

What I don't get this time is: surely, we'd pay more than the Yankees to get him, right?  Plus his family is here.  So.....is this all just the Hendricks getting the Astros to outbid no one or do I actually have to get a party together here with some pitchforks and blowtorches to go out to ol' Andypants' house?

239
Talk Zone / Why?? No, REALLY. Why??
« on: December 06, 2006, 12:16:01 am »
Lugo gets $9m PER for 4 years???  Someone explain this to me.  Feel free to use any stats or facts you have.  

Total.  Lunacy.

240
Talk Zone / I Hate Winter
« on: November 30, 2006, 11:16:47 am »
Temperature just dropped 24 fucking degrees at my office in the last 20 minutes.

Is it Spring yet?

Oh, also, I had another Astros dream last night.  For some reason, the Astros were playing the Twins for Opening Day 2007.  Oswalt vs. Santana.  We lost 11-4.  Luke Scott hit a grand slam.  Lane DNP.

241
Talk Zone / To the Resident Law School Students (Non-BB)...
« on: November 28, 2006, 09:50:03 pm »
If you're in law school or just out of law school and enjoy living in the Houston area and attending Houston Astros games, please PM me.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I'm not selling anything.

242
Talk Zone / The Ranch
« on: November 25, 2006, 02:04:17 pm »
Lee's ranch is 63 acres off FM 1096 in Boling, Tx.

Seems to me the team could afford 63 acres in Boling for Jason Schmidt.

243
Talk Zone / Can't Tell The Players Without a Program
« on: November 24, 2006, 06:42:03 pm »
After today:

Taveras CF
Biggio 2B
Berkman 1B
Lee LF
Scott RF
Ensberg 3B
Everett SS
Ausmus C
Pitcher

Oswalt
Williams
Hirsh
Sampson
Albers/Buchholz

Springer
Miller
Nieve
Qualls
Wheeler
Lidge

Palmiero, Lane, Bruntlett, Burke, Lamb, Gimenez

This puts us at $80m payroll right now.

244
Talk Zone / $74m
« on: November 24, 2006, 03:46:48 pm »
That's about what our payroll is right now, after the Lee signing.

So, if we sign Pettitte and Clemens for $30 (total), then we're at the same payroll as last year, with a better offense.  

This doesn't include Huff, by the way.  

If we sign Huff for $7m, and Woody Williams for $5m, and Pettitte for (I'm making this up) $12m, the only way we get Clemens is if McLane makes his "extra" salary special.

Of course, we'd have a rotation of Oswalt, Pettitte, Clemens, WWilliams, Hirsh.

I'd hope that could win this division.

245
Talk Zone / Ok, So Lee's in LF. Now What?
« on: November 24, 2006, 03:12:49 pm »
Scott to RF?  Who'll teach him how to play RF?  Lane released?  Traded?  Selling peanuts?

Taveras CF
Biggio 2B
Berkman 1B
Lee LF
Huff 3B (?)
Scott RF (?)
Everett SS
Ausmus C
Pitcher

???

246
Talk Zone / Oswalt Money For Lee?
« on: November 23, 2006, 10:43:13 am »
Chronicle reporting 5 years for $73m the new offer to Lee.

No thanks.

Even if he did go for it (why would he??), we're talking about a player that almost no one cared about until the trade deadline this year.  

It's just Carlos Lee.  We're not talking about a legit superstar here.

ETA: Take a look at his stats.  He's Jeff Kent at the plate.  I'm certainly not saying that's a bad thing.  I'm saying you wouldn't give Jeff Kent $15m per season at any point in his career.

247
Talk Zone / Nutso Prediction
« on: November 22, 2006, 05:06:05 pm »
We won't get Lee, but we will land Manny Ramirez in a trade that involves Brad Lidge.

You'll see.

248
Talk Zone / Where IS Pete Munro?
« on: November 19, 2006, 11:54:48 pm »
Just plannin' ahead.

249
Talk Zone / Oh, THIS Is What You All Meant
« on: November 19, 2006, 09:48:52 pm »
I absolutely almost never read the Chronicle here.  Literally never in paper form, and very rarely in electronic form.

Hoping to get some news on the Astros FA goings-on, I just read an article by JDJO that had the following paragraph (bold and italics mine):

"Baseball's annual winter meetings don't begin until Dec. 4 in Orlando. There's a strong chance that the truly premier sluggers that landed on the free agent market this winter - Soriano, Lee and Aramis Ramirez - might be signed before the winter meetings. Ramirez resigned with the Cubs earlier this month."

No wonder you all hate  this paper.

250
Talk Zone / So Obviously Teams Aren't Waiting to Sign The Big Fish......
« on: November 19, 2006, 05:21:32 pm »
So.........why hasn't Lee signed with the LiteRanch Astros yet?

I'm not blaming the Astros brass, mind you; I'm thinking Lee doesn't really care so much about salad dressing.

251
Talk Zone / Soriano, A Cub. Fuck.
« on: November 19, 2006, 04:54:05 pm »
I didn't think we'd get him.  I'm not sure I wanted him going to a division rival.  

EIGHT fucking years and a boatload of money.  

I can't see the Astros coming close to the offer he accepted.

ETA: "Boatload of money" = $17m PER, over 8 years.  Unless he ends up being Albert Pujols, this was an exceptionally stupid contract.  I'm glad it wasn't us.

252
Talk Zone / RedSox Insanity Question
« on: November 16, 2006, 11:44:31 am »
Did anyone ever find out for sure whether or not the Sox get their $51m back if they don't reach an agreement with Matsuzaka?

I think I figured this thing out.

253
Talk Zone / What Brings You Here?
« on: November 13, 2006, 09:48:59 pm »
Playing off the thread last week about the nicknames here...

How did you find AC/OWA?

I was on the alt.baseball.houston-astros usenet group in 1997 when someone named "Holly" suggested we all check out this Astros fan site called Astros Connection.

I still have no idea why I followed her advice.

If only I could find that "Holly" girl today...and kick her in the knee.

254
Talk Zone / TZ Hall of Fame?
« on: November 01, 2006, 06:03:15 pm »
What the fuck?  Why did the Men In Charge stop doing this?

255
Talk Zone / Trout Fishing In Texas (Void Related)
« on: November 01, 2006, 04:04:45 pm »
I don't want links; links I've found.  I was wondering if anyone else in here has ever done any of the rare trout fishing in Texas.

My dad and I want to go somewhere this weekend but aren't sure if we can get access to the lease on the Guadalupe for rainbow.

Anyone ever found a place to go for brook, brown, lake, or rainbows?

256
Talk Zone / Let's Get This Over With
« on: October 30, 2006, 06:47:17 pm »
RedSox call and say, "look, we've had enough of this bullshit.  You want Manny Ramirez?  We'll pay 1/4 of his salary and all we want is Jason Hirsh, Brad Lidge, and Chad Qualls."

You want him?

Feel free to change the demands-in-return with reasonable players.

Ramirez for OP, for example, probably ain't likely.

257
Talk Zone / TZ Office Pool - Final or We're Never Doing THAT Again
« on: October 29, 2006, 09:01:04 pm »
Sorry, everyone, I've been off the planet for 3 days with no internet.  Without further ado....

MRaup has won the TZ Office Pool and T.J. has come up with the second prize.

That Mark managed to win this thing with a joke entry is enough to make me call this thing off forever.  

I guess it's for the same reason, but that the Cardinals and Raup Jr won the whole shebang makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.

Thank god I was away from things like "internet" and "cable" this weekend.  I can't imagine what it must have been like to watch that shit and all the celebrations and press conferences.

I could live the whole of my life without hearing about this postseason again.  Talk about "anti-climax."

Congrats to MRaup and T.J.  In the end, however, aren't we all losers?

258
Talk Zone / Pettitte
« on: October 26, 2006, 11:41:10 am »
I was just reading NYCU and it finally actually occurred to me (even with my dream last week) that the Pettitte contract is up.

I remember when I read on here that we had signed him and at the time I thought "wow!  3 years!  He'll be an Astro for EVER!"

Yankee.

You'll see.

Auburn by 11.

259
Talk Zone / Biggio's News I Can Use
« on: October 25, 2006, 12:38:58 pm »
From pravata:

"He said to me that if they don't value me enough and I have to go to St. Louis, Chicago or New York to play on a winner and hit milestones, then I will do it," Axelrod said.

Uh, Craigeepoo, I hate to break this to you, but the only reason you are still playing professional baseball is because you play in the only city that cares about seeing you still in uniform.

Not ONE of the teams you had your agent mention would give you enough ABs next year to sniff 3,000 sometime before you died.

You're not fooling anyone.  Sign the contract.

260
Talk Zone / Coming Around
« on: October 25, 2006, 11:37:53 am »
109 RBI, 96 runs.

101 RBI, 84 runs.

The first number is Carlos Lee's average season from 2003-05.  The second number is Aubrey Huff's average season from 2003-05.  Playing for the Devil Rays.

Even with the shit season Huff had last year (I'm talking entire season, not the Month of Production), I'm not sure I see why Huff will cost $7m, Caballo will cost $15m, and yet everyone is going apeshit over the latter.

I wasn't pro-Huff, but the more I look at the options, Huff-plus-the-difference-in-money-spent-on-Schmidt seems to make more and more sense.

Anyone got anything to add to this?

Here's another one: other than Schmidt and Zito, what other #2 or #3 type pitchers could the Astros hope to realistically look at?

261
Talk Zone / TZ Office Pool Final Possibilities For Each Prize
« on: October 23, 2006, 10:53:32 am »
St Louis wins World Series in any number of games - MRaup wins Grand Prize, TJ wins 2nd Prize

Detroit wins in 5 or 6 - TJ wins Grand Prize, homer wins 2nd Prize

Detroit wins in 7 - TJ wins Grand Prize, VirtualBob wins 2nd Prize

T.J. and homer - I still need your mailing addresses PM'd to me.

262
Talk Zone / TJ, MRaup, homer, & VirtualBob
« on: October 22, 2006, 01:19:34 pm »
Please PM me your mailing address.

You are the only people who could still take home a valuable prize in the TZ Office Pool.

If MRaup wins, I'm thinking about burning down the TZ on general priciple.

263
Talk Zone / Just a Second Here...
« on: October 20, 2006, 03:33:17 pm »
The Cardinals are National League Champs again?  I thought that was an Onion article.  What happened here?

How is this possible?  

Congratulations to the St Louis Cardinals, Queens of the Worst League of Baseball Ever.  (Not that I wouldn't KILL to be going to the WS this week).

264
Talk Zone / God (Not Related To God In Any Way)
« on: October 20, 2006, 01:05:42 pm »
God sometimes comes to me in the form of a cherry flavored Toaster Streudel.  He comes with a packet of God's Love (frosting) which I lovingly drizzle on God and then eat Him.  

Last night, however, God came to me in a dream.  Only, it wasn't God.  It was Andy Pettitte.

Have you ever had those dreams that seem so vivid, so real, that when you wake up, you shake it off and wonder if THIS is the deam and that the dream was real?  This was that kind of dream.

I dreamt that I was covering an All-Star exhibition in Austin where MLB players were playing college stars in a traveling exhibition.  I was writing a column for OWA live from the games and was treated as actual press.  But the impossibilities didn't stop there.  Oh no.

After the game, I was interviewing Andy Pettitte, who, it turned out, had a lot in common with me.  He was also interested in seeing the new hit comedy movie that had just come out and was thinking Mexican for dinner.  We agreed to grab some food and head to the film before hanging out and talking baseball for the column.

Being famous sucks.  Every where we went, Andy was hounded by young women and old men.  Half wanted his autograph, the other half wanted to kiss him (some from both groups).  The problem for Andy is that he's a huge dude and even in a ballcap and glasses, is easy to spot just about anywhere.  He didn't complain about the fame, but shrugged it off and said it was worth the price.

Over dinner, Andy informed me of two major pieces of news.  

1) The Longhorns had just lost to Auburn 38-27 and were going to do no better than the Cotton Bowl this year.

2) And don't tell ANYONE this...but he and his agent had already decided a month ago to take the Yankees offer for next season.  No press was being disseminated on this so that when they announced it after he half-retired, the New York fans would go that much crazier and it would mean more in endorsement deals for him in NYC.  He said he loved playing in Houston, but acknowledged that Houston hadn't been his real home since HS and that he always considered NY to be his adult home.  He was very much looking forward to getting back to "winning rings."

Andy was dating some woman who was much more attractive than his actual wife (which could be accomplished by dating, say, my art teacher from 6th grade, Grisella).

The whole thing was very enlightening and very terrifying.  Why would Andy go back to NY?  Why do fat, bald middle aged men think that meeting famous ballplayers is "cool"?  Why did the Horns run a fucking draw play on 3rd and 9 with a chance to make it a one possession game in the 4th?

It remains to be seen whether or not my dream becomes reality.  If so, I will be charging $4,995 to listen to your wishes while getting drunk so that I can make them come true.

265
Talk Zone / Pitching vs. Offense
« on: October 17, 2006, 11:06:41 am »
2005 WS Champs - Chicago White Sox
9th in AL runs/game, 1st in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

2004 WS Champs - Boston Red Sox
1st in AL runs/game, 3rd in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

2003 WS Champs - Florida Marlins
8th in NL runs/game, 7th in NL pitching (of 16 teams)

2002 WS Champs - Anaheim Angels
4th in AL runs/game, 2nd in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

2001 WS Champs - Arizona Dbacks
3rd in NL runs/game, 2nd in NL pitching (of 16 teams)

2000 WS Champs - NY Yankees
6th in AL runs/game, 6th in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

1999 WS Champs - NY Yankees
3rd in AL runs/game, 2nd in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

1998 WS Champs - NY Yankees
1st in AL runs/game, 1st in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

1997 WS Champs - Florida Marlins
8th in NL runs/game, 4th in NL pitching (of 14 teams)

1996 WS Champs - NY Yankees
9th in AL runs/game, 5th in AL pitching (of 14 teams)

1995 WS Champs - Atlanta Braves
9th in NL runs/game, 1st in NL pitching (of 14 teams)

This year's Detroit Tigers
5th in AL runs/game, 1st in AL pitching

So, 4 of the last 11 teams to win the World Series, did so coming in the bottom half of runs/game in their league.  Not ONE team has done that with pitching.  Only the '04 Red Sox managed to win a World Series with a higher ranked offense than pitching staff (and remember, the Red Sox pitchers gave up 32 runs in the first three games of that ALCS; otherwise, they wouldn't have had to dig out of that 3-0 hole).

Average runs/game position: 6th
Average pitching position: 3rd

The Astros last year came in 2nd in NL pitching and 12th in NL runs/game.  So yes, I will conceded that we do need to improve on offense, but I don't think getting two big-bat-defensive-joke players with high salaries is the answer.  

Perhaps we compromise.  Go after Zito OR Schmidt, sign Lee OR Soriano, and bite the fucking bullet and trade Pence/Hirsh, Lidge, or someone else of value for a solid #2 pitcher.  

Sign Huff.  Sign Andy.

266
Talk Zone / I Been Thinkin'
« on: October 16, 2006, 10:57:32 pm »
Forget Lee.  Forget Soriano.

Spend the cash on Schmidt and Zito and do the rest with trades (not for world beaters on offense).  Re-sign Huff to play 3B.  Re-sign Andy.

The Tigers are about to be the second team in a row to prove that you win championships with a great pitching staff and a team of great role players.  You need one big time slugger and someone behind him who can be expected to drive in some of the runs that the slugger doesn't deliver.  You need an above average leadoff guy and someone who can move him over.  

I'll take my chances with Willy, <2 guy>, Lance, Huff, Luke, Biggio, Adam, Brad, Pitcher and a staff of Roy, Zito, Andy, Schmidt, anyone (me?).  We'd need a RF, but not a Lee-type offensive player.  

You'd be spending Clemens' money on Zito and Bagwell's money on Schmidt with some left over for the raises due.

Wheeler closer.  Trade Lidge, Ensberg, and Lane for decent, "cheap" role players.

Pitching.  Not hitting.

267
Talk Zone / NLCS Postponed Due to Shitty Football?
« on: October 16, 2006, 07:43:31 pm »
What the hell.  I get home and settle in for some baseball and find out that the game has already been postponed and now I have no choice but to watch the fucking Bears/Bears game.

Who looked at the schedule and said "ok, well obviously we'll do that Cardinals/Bears game on Monday Night"?

268
Talk Zone / ESPN Reporting Piniella To Manage Cubs
« on: October 14, 2006, 05:54:25 pm »
And I was almost worried.

Let Girardi go win somewhere else.

269
Talk Zone / PSYCHO LYONS FIRED! Everything Going As Planned.
« on: October 14, 2006, 04:57:24 pm »
Apparently he said something insensitive about Lou Piniella's hispanic heritage (what?) last night.

Fired immediately.

Does anyone know what the fuck he said?  We watched the game, but I don't remember this.

For those keeping score: it's ok to make fun of the blind on FOX, but not the Latinos.

270
Talk Zone / GAS CAN LIVES!
« on: October 14, 2006, 12:43:04 am »
That was awesome.

So Taguchi?  Seriously?  Awesome.

271
Talk Zone / Detroit Won't Lose Again
« on: October 13, 2006, 05:54:40 pm »
I'm sure I've just jinxed them, but do these guys look like a machine or what?

272
Talk Zone / OFFICE POOL UPDATE - October 12
« on: October 12, 2006, 05:24:44 pm »
If Detroit does hang on to win the ALCS (which looks highly likely at this point), TJ will win the office pool in any scenario that does not involve the Cardinals winning the World Series.

In that case, Satan laughs at Mark Raup again and gives him GRAND PRIZE instead of DEAD LAST.  

And you think there's no BBGs.

ETA: By the way, MRaup, even if the A's came back and the steM won the NLCS, you'd finish no worse than 6th.  Good job.  You can't even LOSE right.

273
Talk Zone / Shit. Anyone Got the News On?
« on: October 11, 2006, 04:05:23 pm »
CNN.com is reporting someone just flew a plane into a fucking building in NYC.

It's October 11th.

Anyone have any details?

274
Talk Zone / FOX Gets Worse?
« on: October 11, 2006, 11:30:00 am »
"This weekend, host [Johnny] Zelasko and analyst Kevin Kennedy welcome White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski to the MLB on FOX pregame show for analysis of AL & NL Championship Series games. Pierzynski will be in-studio on Saturday, October 14 and Sunday, October 15."

Calling the NLCS will be Buck, McCarver, and Luis Gonzalez.

275
Talk Zone / The Time Has Come
« on: October 10, 2006, 09:57:35 pm »
And I have decided to root for the Cardinals in the NLCS and hope for a repeat of the '68 Series (teams and result).  

1) I cannot root for the steM.  I would hate for the Cards to win the whole thing before us as division rivals, but I cannot see any good coming from the steM winning a pennant.  At least it would be nice to say "we play in the division that has won the last 3 NL pennants."  

2) I know the Cardinals pretty well.  I could learn more about the steM.  But why?  I hate the fucking goddamn steM.

3) East Coast vs Fly Over Country.  I've always made a point of rooting for the midlanders over the coasters, so why stop now?

4) We took the season series 9-7 over the Cards.  We got murdered by the steM.  Even if the Cards win the pennant, we'll still have been better than them this year.  Sort of.  Ok, not really.  But it makes me feel better.

5) When it really came down to it, I hate and have almost no respect for Beltran.  However, while I hate having to face Pujols 19 times a year, I think he's one of, if not THE, greatest hitters of all time.  I hate to say it because he's a Cardinal, but I think Pujols is one of the best things to happen to baseball in a while.  Finally, a super super super star who hits out of his mind 100% of the time, who ISN'T a major league asshole.  Beltran is a whore.  Let me put it another way.  I wouldn't trade Oswalt for ARod or Tejada or Soriano, but I'd give him up in a heartbeat for Pujols.

6) I can go right back to rooting against the Cards in a week.

276
Talk Zone / Freudian Slip From the AP
« on: October 10, 2006, 12:11:49 am »
In an article about Lou Piniella and A-Rod (bold mine)...

Piniella first managed A-Rod, who has said he wants to keep playing in pinstripes, in Seattle.

277
Talk Zone / TZ POSTSEASON OFFICE POOL UPDATE - Division Series
« on: October 09, 2006, 12:02:46 am »
Here's how the thing can turn out from here:

DET wins WS - TJ wins pool
STL wins WS - MRaup wins pool
NYM wins WS - TJ wins pool
OAK wins WS - astrojo wins pool

This figures in all the tiebreakers, so no bitching.  Those who tie but lose on the tiebreakers will win the 2nd Place Prize.

I'd like to congratulate the following list of losers who managed to fuck up the entire pool.  Amazingly, 10 of the 36 entrants came up completely empty.

johnstros
otterj
EasTexAstro
Froback
Jacksonian
CarolinaStro
David in Jackson
Duder
Taras Bulba
BudGirl

278
Talk Zone / Unnecessary
« on: October 08, 2006, 11:29:34 pm »
Here's a very real question: why do we keep being subjected to the biggest, most dramatic, most outrageous, most MEANINGLESS homerun in the history of the game?

Yes, it was a big blast.  Yes, it was surprising.  Yes, all it did was make us play an extra game before winning the fucking pennant.

Stop.  Enough.

It was just a blown save.  No more, no less.  It didn't change the series and it didn't RUIN BRAD LIDGE.  Aaaaaaargh.

279
Talk Zone / No Real Padre Fansites?
« on: October 08, 2006, 09:16:02 pm »
I found two Padre fansites, which are of the Geocities variety.  Is there not a single Padres fansite like here or Birds on the Bat?

280
Talk Zone / Ok, Let's Talk About A-Rod
« on: October 07, 2006, 10:49:38 pm »
I don't give a flying fuck what he's done in the postseason.  Those are bogus, small sample numbers.

I didn't realize the Rangers are paying $10m a year of his outrageous salary.  If you could get the Yankees to take Morgan Ensberg, Brad Lidge, and let's say Taylor Buchholz (this isn't about getting rid of Buchholz; the Yankees aren't giving ARod away) and they agreed to pay $5m a year of his salary, making his Astros salary $10m a year....would you do the deal?

I would.  Leaves enough money for Lee, possibly Schmidt, and a couple middle relievers.

C - Ausmus, Gimenez?
1B - Lance
2B - Craig
SS - Adam
3B - ARod
LF - Lee
CF - Willy
RF - Huff?

281
Talk Zone / What's Wrong With Baseball
« on: October 07, 2006, 06:51:27 pm »
I just read this on a Yankees fan site.  If it were any other fan base, you'd just roll your eyes like "yeah, right, that's never gonna happen."  But since it's a Yankees fan, you have to think "yeah, that's probably going to happen.  Which sucks."

All I have to say is goodbye Torre, A-Rod, Sheff, Moose Hello Giradi, Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis, Barry Zito, and Matsuka.

Yes, he's nuts, yes it's reactionary, yes it's really stupid.  But the problem is...all of those things could actually happen.

282
Talk Zone / Holy Shit! A Padre Lead!
« on: October 07, 2006, 03:21:11 pm »
You chumps going to finally start trying to win?

LET'S GO PADS!

283
Talk Zone / Who Gave You This Email Address??
« on: October 06, 2006, 04:25:38 pm »
Did anyone else just get an email from some disgusting, lard-ass, pigfucking, ex-Dodger manager telling you to watch the playoffs?

I don't think this qualifies as "emails about tickets or other Houston Astros promotions."

284
Talk Zone / It Could Be That The Astros Aren't Here....
« on: October 05, 2006, 11:30:44 pm »
...or that all my picks are losing, but does anyone else feel like thru the first 3 days, these have been the most boring fucking playoffs you can remember?

These games just haven't been all that interesting.

285
Talk Zone / Evil Empire Loses Battle
« on: October 05, 2006, 05:25:59 pm »
God manages to screw Yankees AND Yankee fans within a 24 hours period.

Goes to Detroit, 1 each.

Get em, Tiggers.

286
Talk Zone / Our Sad Division
« on: October 05, 2006, 04:19:56 pm »
I don't know why this just occurred to me, but has anyone noticed the parity among divisions the last 5 years?

2005 - AL Central wins WS
2004 - AL East wins WS
2003 - NL East wins WS
2002 - AL West wins WS
2001 - NL West wins WS

5 divisions in 5 years.  But....who's missing here?  

Since MLB went to a 6-division format in 1995, the only division NOT to win a WS..............ours.

Maybe I will root for the Cards.

287
Talk Zone / Jeff Kent
« on: October 04, 2006, 06:47:57 pm »
Someone explain to me why people are considering Kent to be an "automatic" HoFer.

I don't see it and would be willing to bet that unless he plays 4 more years at his historic level, he ain't going to the Hall of Fame.

And he ain't playing 4 more years.

288
Talk Zone / The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Seen
« on: October 04, 2006, 05:32:42 pm »
Two men were just thrown out at home on the same play in the Dodger game.

I've never seen that before in my life.

289
Talk Zone / Bochy on Drugs?
« on: October 03, 2006, 04:27:26 pm »
Can someone explain to me why Chris Young isn't slated to start now until Game FOUR?

Why in the world would you use Boomer and Woody ahead of Young?

290
Talk Zone / Zito In a Rocking Chair
« on: October 03, 2006, 03:27:21 pm »
Is anyone watching this?  Does he look as incredible live as he looks on Gamecast?

Looks like someone wants to win this postseason.

291
Talk Zone / Oddities of This Year's Postseason
« on: October 03, 2006, 11:19:15 am »
Weird.  Last year, the World Series featured a team that hadn't won a pennant in 46 years and another team who hadn't won a pennant EVER (in 45 years of trying).  

THIS year, however, all 8 teams in the postseason have won at least one pennant in the last 22 years, with Detroit being the "oldest."  

Also, I thought this was kind of interesting: the World Series Champs from 1981, 1982, 1984, 1986, 1987, 1988, and 1989 are all participating in this year's playoffs (6 different teams!).  It's even weirder when you realize that only ONE of those teams has bothered winning a WS since (Twins in '91).  

The Yankees didn't win a single WS in the 80s, but won in 96, 98, 99, and 00; and of course the Padres have never won one, but played in two, both against teams that are competing this year (Tigers and Yankees).  

The Dodgers have faced the Twins, Yankees, and A's in a World Series.  In fact, the Dodgers have played in 4 World Series since 1960, and have faced one of the 4 2006 AL participants in every one of those.  

The Yankees have faced all 4 NL participants at least once in the World Series already.

The Cardinals have faced all 4 AL participants at least once in the World Series already.

The A's have faced everyone but the Padres in a World Series already.

292
Talk Zone / Alright, Let the Games Begin
« on: October 02, 2006, 04:28:57 pm »
RULES:

1) Pick the winner of each round, in order.  No cutesy shit.  If you have the Padres winning the NLDS, the Cardinals can't win the NLCS.  

2) You get 1 pt for each DS, 2 pts for each CS, and 4 pts for picking the WS Champ.

3) Tie breaker will be "How Many Games Will the WS Go?"  If there is still a tie after that, contestant with the prettiest mouth wins.

4)
GRAND PRIZE
SECOND PLACE
LAST PLACE

Good luck to all of you.  Fans of other teams may not play.  


TWINS over A'S
YANKEES over TIGERS
PADRES over CARDINALS
METS over DODGERS

TWINS over YANKEES
PADRES over METS

TWINS over PADRES in 4


Oh yeah, entries must be in by noon Central Tuesday.

293
Talk Zone / The Collapse: American League Style
« on: October 01, 2006, 06:49:06 pm »
Tigers lose the AL Central on the last day of the season.

MINNESOTA TWINS, YOUR AL CENTRAL CHAMPIONS!

Which kind of sucks; I really wanted the Twins to go to NY and knock the fucking Yankees out fast.

294
Talk Zone / Cubs Breaking Up Begins: MacPhail Resigns
« on: October 01, 2006, 06:31:21 pm »
Dusty probably next.

295
Talk Zone / Is It F/A Season Yet?
« on: October 01, 2006, 06:28:11 pm »
(Not a comprehensive list)

Who will be back:
Biggio
Oswalt
Ausmus
Berkman
Palmiero
Scott

Who should be brought back:
Lamb
Everett
Wheeler
Sampson
Qualls
Pettitte

Who I'm cool with us letting go/trading:
Huff
Buchholz
Lidge
Nieve
Munson
Burke
Ensberg
Taveras
Lane

What we need:
RH slugger
Thirdbaseman
#2 or #3 starter
1 or 2 solid middle relievers
#4 starter
If Carl Crawford is actually shopped, let him play CF

Your turn.  Anyone with a list of the FAs, I'd love to see actual names for this list of "needs."

296
Talk Zone / I Had a Dream Last Night
« on: October 01, 2006, 11:45:14 am »
Brothers and sisters, I had a dream last night.  I had a dream that the Astros played the Braves and that the Cardinals played some nameless, faceless team today.

I had a dream that Chris Sampson started and matched John Smoltz for 5 innings.  I had a dream that in the 6th, the Astros caught fire and scored 5 runs.  In the 8th, the Braves started to come back but mustered only one run.  The game ended 5-1 and the Astros were victorious.

I had a dream that the Cardinals also won, though.  They had beaten a nameless, faceless team 2-0, but I had no details of how they scored.  

So the dream didn't end all well, but hey, at least we beat Smoltz.

297
Talk Zone / Press In StL Reporting:
« on: October 01, 2006, 11:15:57 am »
Carpenter will NOT start today in case of a game Monday.

cardinals.mlb.com still lists Carpenter, but LaRussa is just smart enough to pull this off.  

Alou better get his shit right by tomorrow.

298
Talk Zone / WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???
« on: October 01, 2006, 09:57:12 am »
From the Giants website (giants.mlb.com), as of this morning.

 
 Monday, October 2  Busch Stadium | 12:05 PM PT  
 
 
 Jonathan Sanchez, LHP (3-1, 4.95) Giants (76-84)    @    Anthony Reyes, RHP (5-7, 4.68) Cardinals (83-77)

Sanchez will be making his third Major League start of his career Sunday. His Big League debut came nearly two weeks ago in Cincinnati, when he allowed only one run in 5 2/3 innings. In his last start however, the left-hander did not fare as well, as he allowed a quick five runs, en route to a no-decision. The slim 23-year-old who has mid-90s velocity, is 2-0 on the road in his rookie campaign. This is his first career against St. Louis.


If Felipe Alou starts this kid instead of Matt Morris and he allows Barry Bonds to sit with a swollen vagina, I swear to god, I hope his career is officially ended by the commissioner.  This is bullshit of the highest order.

299
Talk Zone / Say............
« on: October 01, 2006, 01:20:43 am »
Uhhhhhhh.  Is this right?  The motherfucking Cards game isn't on TV tomorrow?????

300
Talk Zone / ANSWER: Chris Sampson
« on: October 01, 2006, 12:21:17 am »
Sampson named starter.

301
Talk Zone / I Don't Believe in Magic Numbers
« on: October 01, 2006, 12:15:33 am »
I tell you why.

They don't matter anymore.

Astros must win.
Brewers must win.

Giants must win Monday.

That's it.

Magic numbers are meaningless at this point.

Astros, Brewers, then Giants.  I take my chances with Roy at home on Tuesday.

302
Talk Zone / Astros at Noon. Cardinals at 1:15pm.
« on: September 30, 2006, 11:16:07 pm »
Your attendance is actually required.

Who wants to go get some beer tonight so I might be able to sleep a little before the game(s)?

303
Talk Zone / Attendance Is Required
« on: September 30, 2006, 02:16:25 pm »
I'm holding honorary Buckethead Brigade Day today in the GZ.  Your attendance is required.

Trust me, you have nowhere else to be.

304
Talk Zone / I Know We Do This All The Time
« on: September 30, 2006, 02:11:26 pm »
But I just have to say something again about having to watch these unattractive, unprofessional, unqualified monkeys on the FOX pregame show.

Listening to Jeanne and Kennedy talk over each other, trying to beat each other to lame ass jokes is not just an embarrassment to television and sports, but to humanity in general.

305
Talk Zone / Ladies and Gentlemen, I Have An Announcement
« on: September 30, 2006, 12:45:17 pm »
Today, you are not an Astros fan.

Today, you are a Brewers fan.  

Yes, you've been rooting for the Brewers for a couple days, but today is different.  Today, your duty is to root for the Brewers as though you were born and raised in Milwaukee.  You grew up with Mollie and Yount and Higuera.  These were your heroes.  

Today, your ace Ben Sheets is starting.  Nevermind that the Cardinals own the guy (4-13 against the Cards lifetime if I'm remembering correctly); that matters not, today.  

Today, only one thing matters.  That your beloved Brewers win just one game.

Every Brewer fan is your brother.  

Got some yellow and blue clothing?  Perhaps the old baseball-glove-and-ball Brewers logo hat you got at a AA game in 1986?  Put it on.  Today, it is yours.  

I don't care if your alma mater is playing the Raiders, the Aggies, or the mighty mighty Bearkats.  Today, you have only one team.  

Now GO, my friend.  

I'll meet you back here after the Brewers/Cardinals game at about 3:30pm Central to discuss your next mission.

306
Talk Zone / THANK. GOD.
« on: September 30, 2006, 12:15:02 pm »
The site being down killed us last night.

Let's get that game right back.  

Must win both games now.  Fuck Smoltz.  Fuck Cormier.  Fuck the Braves.

307
Talk Zone / Dammit.
« on: September 29, 2006, 05:23:58 pm »
This feels JUST like the NLDS now.  Gotta beat the Braves to play the Cards.  

I knew whatever it was, felt familiar.  That's what it is.  

GODDAMMIT, I hate the FUCKING Braves.  

What the hell am I supposed to do for 2 1/2 fucking hours??  This is killing me.  WHY CAN'T THEY START THE GAME ALREADY??

308
Talk Zone / FOX SPORTS MIDWEST POSTGAME POLL
« on: September 29, 2006, 12:07:30 pm »
This was on the POSTGAME show, as in AFTER the game last night.

Just before the LaRussa post game conference, the anchor for the postgame show wanted you to get online and answer THIS question:

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER THE CARDINALS FACE IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS?  NY, PHI, LA, SD

309
Talk Zone / Does Anyone Else...
« on: September 29, 2006, 11:56:32 am »
Kind of have a weird feeling about tonight?  

I don't know, it's hard to place.  Just feels like ten-straight-wins is an awful lot, no matter who is pitching for us tonight.  Plus it's the Braves and a starter we've never faced.  

We know Rocket hadn't been very good on 3 days rest before; how has he been on full rest AFTER starting on 3 days rest before?

310
Talk Zone / Ok, This is Interesting
« on: September 27, 2006, 04:29:33 pm »
For the Dreamers among us.

Put aside all the BBG talk for a second and just follow me on this.  

If the Astros were to win the Central outright with no one-game-playoff and the Dodgers won the WC, sure enough, we'd be in NLDS "A", playing the SAN DIEGO PADRES on:

Tuesday
Thursday
Saturday
Sunday
Monday


Oswalt, Hitchcock, Oswalt anyone?

312
Talk Zone / Games On Paper - As Of Sept 27
« on: September 27, 2006, 11:29:56 am »
Today:
Astros at Pirates
Jason Hirsh vs Shawn Chacon

Astros should win because they own Chacon.
Padres at Cardinals
Chris Young vs Anthony Reyes

Padres should win.  
Astros .5 out.

Thursday:
Astros at Pirates
Roy Oswalt vs Tom Gorzelanny

Duh.  Astros should win.
Brewers at Cardinals
Doug Davis vs Jason Marquis

Somewhat of a toss-up, but the Cardinals should win.  
Astros .5 out.

Friday:
Astros at Braves
Clemens vs James

Astros should win Rocket's last last last game ever.
Brewers at Cardinals
Capuano vs Weaver

Brewers should win.  
Astros lead by .5 game.

Saturday:
Astros at Braves
Sampson vs Cormier

Braves should win.
Brewers at Cardinals
Sheets vs Suppan

Toss-up again, but Cardinals should win (Sheets has been pounded by the Cards this year).  
Astros .5 out.

Sunday:
Astros at Braves
Pettitte vs Smoltz

Man, I hate to say it, but Braves should win.  Fucking Smoltz.
Brewers at Cardinals
Villanueva vs Carpenter

Cardinals should win.
Astros 1.5 out.

Season ends.  No playoff game necessary.

I was also thinking about the possibilities and likelihoods this morning and realized...if the Astros are going to make the playoffs, there's a REAAALLY good chance that the Cards will be playing Monday and that we'll be playing on Tuesday.

313
Talk Zone / Missed In the Excitement Last Night
« on: September 26, 2006, 05:21:14 pm »
The Atlanta Braves were eliminated from playoff contention last night for the first time since 1990.  

I never thought my kids would live to see a Brave-less playoff.  

What's remotely funny is that, in the shower this morning, I was thinking "damn, if we make the playoffs, how the hell am I going to get to Atlanta for the NLDS?"  Habit I guess.

314
Talk Zone / IF the Cards Have to Play the Giants
« on: September 26, 2006, 12:15:54 pm »
Matt Morris vs Anthony Reyes

Matt Morris comes home and gets the last laugh?

315
Talk Zone / If They Played the Games On Paper:
« on: September 26, 2006, 11:09:43 am »
Today:
Astros at Pirates
Andy Pettite vs Ian Snell

Astros should win.
Padres at Cardinals
Woody Williams vs Chris Carpenter

Cardinals should win.  
Astros 2.5 out.

Wednesday:
Astros at Pirates
Jason Hirsh vs Shawn Chacon

Astros should win because they own Chacon.
Padres at Cardinals
Chris Young vs Anthony Reyes

Padres should win.  
Astros 1.5 out.

Thursday:
Astros at Pirates
Roy Oswalt vs Tom Gorzelanny

Duh.  Astros should win.
Brewers at Cardinals
Doug Davis vs Jason Marquis

Somewhat of a toss-up, but the Cardinals should win.  
Astros 1.5 out.

Friday:
Astros at Braves
Clemens vs James

Astros should win Rocket's last last last game ever.
Brewers at Cardinals
Capuano vs Weaver

Brewers should win.  
Astros .5 out.

Saturday:
Astros at Braves
Sampson vs Cormier

Braves should win.
Brewers at Cardinals
Sheets vs Suppan

Toss-up again, but Cardinals should win (Sheets has been pounded by the Cards this year).  
Astros 1.5 out.

Sunday:
Astros at Braves
Pettitte vs Smoltz

Man, I hate to say it, but Braves should win.  Fucking Smoltz.
Brewers at Cardinals
Villanueva vs Carpenter

Cardinals should win.
Astros 2.5 out.

Season ends.  No playoff game necessary.

Basically, Sheets and Sampson are the big variables if everything else goes as "planned."  Cardinals really have no business going better than 4-2.

316
Talk Zone / Rotation?
« on: September 26, 2006, 01:01:37 am »
Ok, so we pulled Rocket early last night, got the win, and get to throw him back out in 3 days.

What the hell is our rotation the rest of the way?  I'm for replacing whoever-the-fuck-is-#4-with-Sampson.  He's STILL not given up a run as a starter.

317
Talk Zone / A Real Question About Tonight
« on: September 25, 2006, 03:02:05 pm »
So......with a lefty going against us, how will we be scoring "runs" this evening?

318
Talk Zone / PLEASE Don't Come Down to the Last Game
« on: September 25, 2006, 02:57:56 pm »
Scheduled starter for the Braves in Game Three?

John Smoltz.

No thank you.  If John Smoltz finds a way THIS season to ruin my October, someone gets it right in the balls with a Buick.

319
Talk Zone / ESPN.com Has Their Shit Together
« on: September 25, 2006, 02:00:03 pm »
The preview for tonight's Astros/Phillies game is entitled Astros, Philles meet in opener of important three-game set.

320
Talk Zone / Goddammit.
« on: September 22, 2006, 11:22:46 pm »
Why did they wait til NOW to start playing this way?  Argh.

Have the last two nights been the most fun you've had all season or WHAT?  

MAN, this series has been awesome.  Roy and Rocket, then STL plays the Padres and we get the Buccos....manohmanohman.

321
Talk Zone / The Mick, Part 2
« on: September 19, 2006, 04:25:30 pm »
I'm sure this is either totally fake or that I'm the last person on Earth to see it, but  here's a letter from Mickey Mantle about his greatest day at Yankee Stadium.

322
Talk Zone / 78 Days
« on: September 18, 2006, 06:12:30 pm »
It's been 78 days since Wandy got his last Major League win.

Somehow, that seems like a lot.

323
Talk Zone / Alkie Magic Numbers
« on: September 15, 2006, 06:26:36 pm »
I've killed the Tote Board, but where it used to live is now Alkie's Magic Numbers.  Not that anyone gives a shit at this point, but it'll tell you what our magic numbers are to finish ahead of each team, who we'll definitely finish behind and who we'll definitely finish ahead of.  

The Numbers

324
Talk Zone / Out On A Limb
« on: September 11, 2006, 02:29:46 pm »
If the Astros win the next 13 games, I guarantee they make the playoffs.

In slightly related news, (and I'm being serious about this) does anyone know when TicketMaster gives refunds back for post-season tickets?

325
Talk Zone / Why?
« on: September 01, 2006, 07:05:07 pm »
Why is Backe on the 15-day and not the 60-day?  If he's gone til 2008, what's the purpose of keeping him on the 15-day?  Don't we get to replace him on the 40-man if we 60-day him?

327
Talk Zone / I Lied. The Tote Board Lives.
« on: August 27, 2006, 10:16:24 pm »
 New Tote Board, August 27th

The voting has ended and it's obvious that no one reads a thing I write anyway (judging by the fact that 4 people voted), so I'm doing the Tote Board AND we have a surprise planned.

Enough fucking around.  Let's win the whole...fuckin'...thing.

328
Talk Zone / A Few Questions:
« on: August 27, 2006, 08:30:23 pm »
1) Uh, did we just officially go to a 4-man rotation for the rest of the year?  

2) Who the hell is George Von Benko?

3) Has Alyson Footer been canned?  What the hell?

329
Talk Zone / "The Roger Clemens Sweepstakes"
« on: August 27, 2006, 01:29:07 am »
By chance, there was nothing else on TV tonight and we ended up watching the RedSox/M's game in HD.

In the 7th inning, Dave Henderson (who does a barely adequate color job for the M's TV) says, very matter of factly, "it'll be interesting to see who wins this Roger Clemens sweepstakes going into the playoffs.  He could help just about anyone at this point."

Did I have a seizure?  What the fuck is he talking about?

330
Talk Zone / Think This Out Before You Answer
« on: August 23, 2006, 06:58:02 pm »
The Astros are currently 6 games out of the Wild Card.

Tomorrow, we start a 4 game series with the Pirates, who we not only own the last decade, but who we swept as recently as a couple weeks ago.

The Reds will go to San Francisco where (if you look at the pitching matchups) they could easily lose 3 of 4.  

It's now Monday morning, August 28th.  The Astros are 3 games out.  With 31 games to go.  Including 3 at home against the Reds, 6 against the Phillies, 7 against the Cards, and ending the season with 6 games against the bottom dwelling Bucs and mediocre Braves.

Are you back on board?

331
Talk Zone / In Honor of the 13-0 Drubbing...
« on: August 22, 2006, 09:50:11 pm »
At least, that's all it is right now (I'm sure it's worse by the time you read this), I have written the last Alkie's Tote Board ever.  Bet you can find it yourself.  And if not, it's time better spent than watching this Crapfest.

332
Talk Zone / The Curse
« on: August 22, 2006, 04:16:56 pm »
Astros are 2-8 since Kent Mercker went on the Reds DL.

Bad juju.

Oh, also the Astros are 2-8 since DFA'ing Preston Wilson, but as much as I'd like to believe it, that has literally nothing to do with the 2-8.

I have a question for the camp in here that leans toward defending the Men In Charge, no matter who it happens to be...at what point (and I'm asking honestly here) do you say that someone in management is not very good at their job, rather than doing-the-best-they-can and just not getting the breaks.

Reason I ask is...as everyone pretty much felt since April, the Astros needed bullpen help (with the exception, of course, being the week of the Deadline).  I'm trying to figure out for myself if Purpura has obviously tried to get a reliever and just never found his man or if it's something else.

333
Talk Zone / So Much For Carlos Lee
« on: August 22, 2006, 02:08:58 pm »
El Caballo signs Satan to be his master.

Fucking Boras.

334
Talk Zone / Mr. 3000
« on: August 16, 2006, 05:38:55 pm »
This is a truly enormous honor, not only for me, but for my entire family.

I want to thank everyone who helped me get to 3,000.  Kev.  Scott.  The one legged hooker.  Ruben.  Nash.  Raups.  Boones Farm Family of Liquor Flavored Product.  Jed the marmot.  Chris Holt.  Jose Lima.  The trade deadline.  Masturbation.  AA meetings.  Beer.  Red-eared turtles.  Insurance salesmen.  And of course...stupid fucking Astros losses.  At home.  To the Cubs.  With 3 bona fide aces pitching for Houston.  

No, without these things, I'd be hovering around 34 posts, punctuated by such gems as "Jose Vizcaino sure has a pretty mouth."

So, really; thank you all for allowing me to become only the 11th member of the 3,000 post club.  I'll cherish this for about the next 3 minutes, at which point I'll put my head in an oven for having wasted as much of my life as I have online.

335
Talk Zone / Now Pitching For Your Chicago Cubs...
« on: August 16, 2006, 12:32:12 pm »
Ryan O'Malley.

Goodie.  Rookie I've never heard of.  Swept at home by the Cubs.  Yeah, we're going to the playoffs.

336
Talk Zone / I Can Guarantee The Astros Will Not Make the Postseason
« on: August 15, 2006, 11:13:05 am »
I bought my postseason tickets this morning.

No WAY they make it now.

337
Talk Zone / Aug 15 - New Alkie's Tote Board
« on: August 15, 2006, 10:56:50 am »
Now, with disgusting new features!

 Alkie's Tote Board

338
Talk Zone / Mike Koplove
« on: August 14, 2006, 06:34:26 pm »
Snakes middle reliever who has cleared waivers, if I read the story right.

I'd like to go on record as saying I'd like him on the team.

339
Talk Zone / About Chasing the Cards
« on: August 13, 2006, 07:03:57 pm »
For everyone that wants me to talk about our chase of the Cardinals, looks like you'll get your wish.  The Reds just moved to 1.5 games out of the NL Central lead and go to St Louis for a 3 game set on Tuesday.

If the Cards keep stinking up the joint like they did this weekend, we'll be chasing the Cards by late night Wednesday.

I can't believe how awful this division (hell, the whole League) is.

340
Talk Zone / OH, HAPPY DAY!!!
« on: August 11, 2006, 12:18:04 pm »
ESPN.com declares the Astros "back in the race."

We're SAVED!!

341
Talk Zone / Blah, Blah, Blah, New Tote Board (Thursday, Aug 10)
« on: August 10, 2006, 10:49:15 am »
Seriously, if you haven't figured out that these things occur any day we play, you shouldn't be reading it.

 Alkie's Tote Board

342
Talk Zone / Wednesday, August 9 - New Tote Board
« on: August 09, 2006, 10:34:42 am »
This thing works.  Bee-leave.

 Alkie Tote Board

343
Talk Zone / Gonna Need a Lot of Help
« on: August 06, 2006, 12:54:25 pm »
Only 3 of our next 26 games are against teams ahead of us in either the WC or NL Central race.  (One 3 gamer in CIN).

Of course, the flip side of this is that we're playing a lot of teams worse than us over the next month.  Try not to fuck it up.

344
Talk Zone / Did You Guys Know This?
« on: August 05, 2006, 05:07:38 pm »
Did you know there was a team in Major League Baseball that had Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus hitting 7th and 8th most of the season last year?  That team managed to make the World Series.

Is that amazing or what?  It goes against everything we know about lineups and defense.

345
Talk Zone / How Important is 2900?
« on: August 05, 2006, 01:07:56 pm »
Because I just passed 2900 posts here.  I was just wondering if I get a free sandwich or something.

What did you think I was talking about?

346
Talk Zone / New Alkie's Tote Board
« on: August 05, 2006, 11:19:30 am »
I'm supposed to announce this or something in here.  So,  here it is.  There's a new Alkie's Tote Board.

347
Talk Zone / From Today's Lineups
« on: August 03, 2006, 04:05:52 pm »
Not too terribly surprising:

No Berkman, no Biggio, no Wilson, no Ausmus.

348
Talk Zone / Astros in HD?
« on: August 03, 2006, 03:36:14 pm »
I can't believe what a pain in the ass it is to find this simple fucking information, but does anyone have a list of Astros games that will be broadcast in HD (I have DirecTV with the HD package and Houston locals) the rest of this year?

I've found multiple lists that show all sorts of games in HD (for example, tomorrow's game), but it's not ACTUALLY in HD in Houston (so what fucking good does that do me?).  

Any help would be appreciated.

349
Talk Zone / Who We'll Be Rooting For Tonight
« on: August 02, 2006, 03:46:29 pm »
Right now, 7 teams stand between the Houston Astros and the Wild Card.

If the following teams win their games tonight:
Washington
New York Mets
Cincinnati
St Louis
Colorado
and of course, Houston


there will only be 3 teams between the Astros and the Wild Card (Cinci, Arizona - who we play this weekend, and Colorado).

350
Talk Zone / NEXT ISSUE
« on: August 01, 2006, 12:33:53 pm »
Ok, trading time is done.

Sometime around 2am our time tonight, the Astros will play another game.

Now then....what shall we talk about?

351
Talk Zone / Astros.com Confirms Astros Made No Deals
« on: July 31, 2006, 06:10:34 pm »
Man, I wish there was a game tonight.

352
Talk Zone / So, Is Drayton "Furious"?
« on: July 31, 2006, 06:01:25 pm »
If I remember, by all accounts, Drayton demanded Purpura make this team "better."  

I'm not sure exactly what it means, but is Drayton steaming mad that we have the same roster as before?

Let's ask Justice.

353
Talk Zone / OFFICIAL: Tejada Goes Nowhere
« on: July 31, 2006, 05:50:09 pm »
Baltimore reporting Tejada was not dealt to anyone.

Still waiting for offical word on Soriano.

354
Talk Zone / Thank God We Didn't Trade Roy
« on: July 31, 2006, 05:43:52 pm »
That really ruined my morning.  If if it was totally untrue.

Funny thing is...there's nothing wrong with the 25 guys we've got now.  They just (as always) haven't put it together as a unit yet.  

Here's to Hirsh starting on Wednesday.

355
Talk Zone / So, That's It? One Crappy steM Trade??
« on: July 31, 2006, 05:05:24 pm »
Bo.  Gus.

356
Talk Zone / 90 Minutes
« on: July 31, 2006, 03:31:39 pm »
GOD I hope we find a way to sign Beltran.  I can't believe I have to wait up til midnight to find out.

357
Talk Zone / Season Officially Over
« on: July 31, 2006, 03:12:22 pm »
From a chat on ESPN, circa 5 minutes ago.

ROB NEYER:
p.s. the Astros are finished. Time to start thinking about 2007.


Oh well.  Now what?

358
Talk Zone / Why Aren't We Interested In Wily Mo Pena?
« on: July 31, 2006, 02:51:23 pm »
I'm sure this has been discussed before I came back last week, but can someone tell me why we're not talking to the Sox about Wily Mo?

359
Talk Zone / Awesome.
« on: July 31, 2006, 02:41:13 pm »
I can feel it.  Sean Casey will end up being the only big trade today.  And that's not really that big.

Except that he's not an Astro.  I totally wanted to DH him.

360
Talk Zone / I HAVE A MAJOR TRADE TO ANNOUNCE
« on: July 31, 2006, 12:07:34 pm »
I have traded my usual breakfast cereal for Grapenuts.  They're neither grapes nor nuts, but I am now proud to say that I am, in a word, "regular."

361
Talk Zone / It Begins. Sean Casey, a Tiger.
« on: July 31, 2006, 11:36:01 am »
Glad to have him out of the division for a change.

Also, some other team traded for someone this morning.  Possibly an NL team.

362
Talk Zone / What the Hell is AstrosZone.com?
« on: July 30, 2006, 09:43:45 pm »
I just found this place and figured I'd ask in here before wasting time looking at it.

Worth while?

363
Talk Zone / Astros FAs?
« on: July 30, 2006, 07:12:27 pm »
Anyone have a list handy of the Astros that will be FAs at the end of the year?

364
Talk Zone / Why Two TBAs In a Row??
« on: July 30, 2006, 06:33:19 pm »
Did I miss something?  Is Backe hurt again?

365
Talk Zone / No More Brad Lidge. Please.
« on: July 30, 2006, 05:53:52 pm »
Crap.  And we could have had Wilkerson for him last night.

Now, I bet we can't even have season tickets to Six Flags.

366
Talk Zone / Day Game After a Night Game, or is Wilson Gone?
« on: July 30, 2006, 03:36:03 pm »
Preston not playing today.

What gives?

367
Talk Zone / What News Outfits Are HIRING These Guys??
« on: July 30, 2006, 12:04:03 pm »
"The return of Roger Clemens to Houston was the biggest story in baseball in May. Maybe the Astros would be better off without him. Houston was two games over .500 before they signed The Rocket. They are five games under .500 since. Clemens, who starts today against Arizona, has a 2.45 ERA but is 2-4. He is looking like a waste of money."

 NYC "News"

368
Talk Zone / So How Did Morgan Do In Hutto This Evening?
« on: July 29, 2006, 11:35:57 pm »
Anyone got a report from the game?

369
Talk Zone / Lidge for Blalock?
« on: July 29, 2006, 11:16:12 pm »
You've gotta be kidding me.  Why in the world would the Rangers do this?

Anyone have any confirmation on this?

370
Talk Zone / Eating Around MMPUS? (Non-Tejada Related)
« on: July 29, 2006, 04:21:37 pm »
Since the food at MMPUS is, without question, the worst food of any major league park, where can a family of 3 (with a 3 year old girl) go to get something decent to eat around the park before the game?

I don't mind spending the cash to eat well, but obviously we don't want to go to a place that will look down on us and our Astros t-shirts.

Edit: What luck.  I see Sheriff Blaylock is here to tell me about his vended crapola.  Your chili sucks.

371
Talk Zone / From SI
« on: July 28, 2006, 03:30:54 pm »
"The Astros say they will not sell, and specifically, they will not sell Roger Clemens. "I've told everyone I'll talk about anybody who doesn't have a no-trade,'' GM Purpura said. Astros with no-trade provisions are Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Craig Biggio and Brad Ausmus."
 

SI.com

372
Talk Zone / Ok, I Honestly Don't Know Enough About Our Minors, So..
« on: July 28, 2006, 02:40:23 pm »
I'm not asking about the validity of the trade, I'm just asking the folks who know these guys...would you do this trade if it came up:

Pence and Hirsh for Jason Bay

You'd be getting a corner OF with a ton of power, who would be under club control for a few years, no?

(I just don't know how good our guys actually are.)

373
Talk Zone / I'VE GOT IT!
« on: July 28, 2006, 02:34:04 pm »
We're already paying the sombitch and he wants to play, does anyone here know a doctor that would clear Bagwell to get cortisone shots before every game?

374
Talk Zone / Voices In My Head Are Reporting:
« on: July 27, 2006, 03:58:55 pm »
Buzzing in my head just reported Andy Pettitte to the Yankees for Bernie Williams.  

Also, My Clam and PTBNL to the Twins for Torii Hunter.

I'm not requesting these trades, I just figured...HEY!  I used to write a column on the internet that was basically a blog...why don't I make trade shit up and post it as fact?

375
Talk Zone / MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT
« on: July 27, 2006, 12:14:47 am »
Calm down, we didn't trade for anyone.

In the 8 years that I've known you miserable pukes, I've never, not once, not even for a second, used an avatar.

Well...I have one now.  

It begins.

376
Talk Zone / Maybe We Should Be Trading With the Dodgers
« on: July 25, 2006, 05:21:20 pm »
Royals send Elmer Dessens to Dodgers for Odalis Perez, AND two minor leaguers, AND cash.

For Elmer Dessens.

That's it.

377
Talk Zone / Anyone Know What These Are?
« on: July 25, 2006, 02:58:35 pm »
160 games, 610 at-bats, 115 runs, 170 hits, 35 homeruns, 121 RBIs, .279 BA, .379 OBP, .500 SLG

378
Talk Zone / This Ever Been Done?
« on: July 25, 2006, 10:23:17 am »
I was wondering if anything like this had ever been done in baseball (I just don't remember it happening).

Team with a high payroll with good-but-not-great expectations of the postseason decides it can fleece the rest of the league and trades off its big players at the deadline for other teams top prospects (seeing as how, with the Wild Card, 20 teams appear to be "buying").  This replenishes the minors with top prospects from around the league and cuts payroll, let's say, 60-70%.  In the next immediate offseason, the team turns around and basically goes after every major FA with their new payroll room.

In effect, they sacrificed one half-season where they "probably" weren't going to win the whole thing in exchange for a phenomenal minor league system and 4-6 high level free agents for the following season.

379
Talk Zone / Dumbest Tejada-to-Astros Trade Suggestion of the Day?
« on: July 24, 2006, 06:45:22 pm »
"Houston has been rumored to offer starting short stop Adam Everett along with right-handed prospects Fernando Nieve, Jason Hirsh and outfielder Hunter Pence for Tejada."

Uhhh.  Right.  If that was the offer, I have a feeling Tejada would be in blood'n'mud tomorrow night.

380
Talk Zone / Are The ESPN Sunday Night Games Blacked Out In Houston?
« on: July 09, 2006, 06:00:14 pm »
If so, is there no other way to watch it in Houston?

381
Talk Zone / Backe Already Hurt, Will Miss Start
« on: April 04, 2006, 11:52:27 am »
Wandy to start tomorrow night.

Not the right way to start the season.

382
Talk Zone / Roy and Maddux
« on: April 03, 2006, 11:06:05 pm »
If Roy can throw 13 more shutout innings to begin this season, he'll have a lower career ERA than Greg Maddux.

Wow.

383
Talk Zone / Astros Home Television Territory
« on: April 02, 2006, 03:18:44 pm »
I know we've done this before, but I was hoping someone might have new info.

Does anyone know how to find out what is in the ASTROS HOME TELEVISION TERRITORY?  See, out here in El Paso, we get fucked (big surprise).  We're still in the home territory, despite being 12 hours from Houston.  So, we don't get any of the Astros games that are on Extra Innings, but that aren't on FoxSW.  

We used to just "move" our DirecTV to Seattle, but that was before El Paso had locals on DirecTV.  Now it does, and we have grown accustomed to having locals again.

Anyway, we can't "move" to Seattle, because then we lose our locals, as we are out of Seattle's local 'footprint.'

We CAN, however, get Albuquerque's locals.

So, my question is: is Albuquerque (or any of NM for that matter) in the Astros Home Television Territory?

I just think it's fucking asinine that I, as an Astros fan, get fucked out of half of my team's games to protect some bullshit.  Please trust me when I tell you, I'm not likely to drive in for a game from El Paso just because it won't be on TV here that night.

384
Talk Zone / Limey, You Fat Bastard.
« on: March 31, 2006, 03:59:33 pm »
Where the hell is my Game 5 DVD you promised us like a year ago?

Also, does anyone have Game 6 from last year's NLCS?  I just like watching us win the last game EVER in Busch.

385
Talk Zone / Kent HR?
« on: March 31, 2006, 03:52:44 pm »
Does anyone have the link to the Kent HR?  After watching the Baggy hit off Izzy, I wish to see TheGladness again.

And again.

And again.

386
Talk Zone / Is Anyone in Here a Life Insurance Salesman? (Total NBB)
« on: March 07, 2006, 06:03:22 pm »
Anyone?

387
Talk Zone / My World Is Shattered. Say It Ain't So, Barry.
« on: March 07, 2006, 02:22:35 pm »
CNN reports Barry Bonds more machine than man now.

Me?  I'm shocked.

I hope this ends his career.  Also, I hope a wheatthresher falls on him.

388
3 tix to all 3 games at Chase Field-Phoenix behind the plate, but at the top (8th row I think).

We were going to go, but I just can't miss another week of work right now.

Also, I have a room at the Radisson Downtown paid for, so if you want it, honestly, you can have it.

Let me know if anyone is interested.

I can overnight the tix (you pay) to the hotel so you'll have them in time for tomorrow.  Basically, if you can get to PHX, you can stay in a nice hotel and go to the game on me.  What a guy.

389
Talk Zone / So....Anyone Here Know Any Good Astros Boards?
« on: March 03, 2006, 12:52:18 pm »
"I don't know if it'll make any change, but I figure it's time for me to start playing ball." - Jimmy "Alkie" Chitwood

It's been five months since my monumental meltdown, where I had my annual attack on someone who didn't deserve it because, as usual, I took Astros baseball far too seriously.  

It was then that I realized I was also taking this board waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.  So I thought it was time for me to step down for awhile.  

Had a decent offseason.  Became a CPA.  Became a PFS.  Started a successful consulting firm.  Went to LA to watch my alma mater win some sort of football game.  Did some travel.  Calmed down a bit.

Anyway, I see they're playing ball again, so I figured maybe I'd come back, take some well-deserved shit, and move on.

For the record, as someone who left the fold for awhile, I can tell you...it's incredible what you can accomplish when you're not spending 16 hours a day on this site.  Worse than drugs, I tell you.

390
Talk Zone / June 23-25, 2006.
« on: October 27, 2005, 08:59:21 pm »
Try to win at least ONE this time, ladies.

391
Talk Zone / Anyone Want To Go In With Us for Tix?
« on: October 25, 2005, 04:21:19 pm »
Someone's selling 4 SRO tix for $800, but obviously, we only need two.  Anyone here wanna go in with us for the other two?

Nevermind.  They're gone.  Goddammit.

392
Talk Zone / My World Series Experience and Expedia.com
« on: October 25, 2005, 11:52:54 am »
I know this is not what the site is for, but please, if someone else on here had a similar experience, I would have wanted to hear about it.

We are in Houston.

But we are NOT at the hotel I booked on Expedia.com last week so I could attend the World Series.

When I arrived at the Comfort Inn and Suites last night (as I'm sure jaklewein did) I found out that my reservation did not exist and that Expedia.com had booked 50+ people at a hotel that had been sold out since Katrina.

Expedia had me on hold for 25 minutes in a hotel lobby at 11pm last night and reluctantly offered me a FULL REFUND (whoopedee DOO, you fuckers) and a VOUCHER for an unnamed DISCOUNT next time I wanted to use Expedia.com.

They could not find me a replacement hotel and weren't really all that sorry.  Thank god I have a lot of friends and family in this city, or I'd have been fucked.

As a friend, I'm begging you all to not use expedia if possible.  Their system is crap and this is the second time I've been burned by their horrific customer service.

The baseball tie-in here is that with the $350 I saved, we can afford Game Three tix tonight.  What is everyone seeing on prices right now?

393
Talk Zone / Roof OPEN For Game Three???
« on: October 24, 2005, 12:51:37 am »
WHY???

I don't care HOW nice it is outside.  Why is the team even DISCUSSING THIS???

394
Talk Zone / Playing the Percentages
« on: October 23, 2005, 07:03:17 pm »
61% of the teams that win Game One, win the World Series.

But only 45% of the HOME TEAMS that win Game One, then lose Game Two, go on to win the whole thing.  

Makes sense.  Basically you've now got a 5-game series where the other team now has home-field advantage.

I say we go for that, then.

395
Talk Zone / Game Two Lineups
« on: October 23, 2005, 06:47:45 pm »
Astros
Craig Biggio, 2B
Willy Tavares, CF
Lance Berkman, 1B
Morgan Ensberg, 3B
Jeff Bagwell, DH
Jason Lane, RF
Chris Burke, LF
Brad Ausmus, C
Adam Everett, SS
Andy Pettitte, P

White Sox
Scott Podsednik, LF
Tadahito Iguchi, 2B
Jermaine Dye, RF
Paul Konerko, 1B
Carl Everett, DH
Aaron Rowand, CF
A.J. Pierzynski, C
Joe Crede, 3B
Juan Uribe, SS
Mark Buehrle, P




Baggy moves UP?  Huh.  Ok.  I still don't like Ensberg hitting cleanup.  I UNDERSTAND it, but I don't like it.

396
Talk Zone / So, Now...
« on: October 23, 2005, 12:31:11 am »
Who the hell starts Game Five, Wandy?

Please god no.

397
Talk Zone / If It IS Bagwell...
« on: October 22, 2005, 01:22:02 pm »
All the "is it best for the team" talk aside...

How incredible will it be to see Biggio and Bagwell starting in a World Series game?

We've waited a long time for this.  Win or lose, tonight is going to be truly special.

398
Talk Zone / Hun Still Doing the Right Thing
« on: October 21, 2005, 06:46:02 pm »
"Though he still pulls for the Astros, Hunsicker has kept a low profile."

 Link

399
Talk Zone / Sweet Googly Moogly!
« on: October 20, 2005, 05:42:35 pm »
$2,118 for two tickets to Game Four behind the plate, but at the top.  

Anyone doing any better than this?  If so, where'd you go?

400
Talk Zone / Longest Wait for Repeat Appearance in WS?
« on: October 20, 2005, 02:49:11 pm »
Anyone happen to know?

I've had to explain to each and every family member why I'm selling art to buy $4,000 worth of tickets to a SPORTING EVENT (except my wife and father) and I keep trying to explain that it's been 43 years and it could be ANOTHER 43 years.

Anyone know what the longest wait right now is to RETURN to the Series after making it (Cubs?) ?

Thanks.

401
Talk Zone / Fuck Having To Play the ChiSox
« on: October 20, 2005, 02:41:40 pm »
We have to listen to Buck, McCarver, and Piniella for a week.

Can some nice person in here instruct me on how to get ESPN radio in a city that is 600 miles from the nearest ESPN radio station?

I can't listen to my first World Series be narrated to me by Buck and McCarver.

I will pay Scully myself to sit in my living room and tell me what's going on.

402
Talk Zone / Office Space For a Week?? I'll Pay You.
« on: October 20, 2005, 11:50:06 am »
Ok, it looks like Houston is out of hotels with high speed internet.

So, we're going to stay at my in-laws house, but I will have to work during the week.

Does ANYONE in here happen to have an office with a closet or something that I can run a cat-5 to and work from during the day next week (just Tuesday and Wednesday)?  

I will GLADLY pay you rent.  I just need an office so it doesn't look like I ever left town.  Must have internet access.  I bring my own equipment.  

Thank you VERY much to anyone who can help me out.

403
Talk Zone / WalrusIsAl - God, Not Man.
« on: October 20, 2005, 11:15:53 am »
From an actual IM session yesterday.  I don't make this shit up.

4:18:23pm TheWalrusIsAl:   oswalt 7 ip, 3 H, 1 ER.  wheels and lidge strike out 6 to end it.  berkman, ensberg and everett make mulder eat shit.  edmonds loses a testicle after he slips on his own shit and spikes himself

404
Talk Zone / Need Help
« on: October 20, 2005, 11:13:01 am »
Ok, I've decided that this is just too important to pass up.  About 10 years ago, my grandmother gave me a piece of art that's worth $12,000.  I was going to save it and use it for something "important" when the time came, and I've decided it may be ANOTHER 43 years before the Astros go to the series again, so I'm selling the art for tickets.

Here's my problem.  I have absolutely no idea how to sell fine art.  Has anyone in here ever done this?  Who do I contact?  How does it work?  

I really appreciate any help in here.

405
Talk Zone / A: Roy Oswalt & Roy Oswalt
« on: October 20, 2005, 10:28:13 am »
Q: Name the winning pitchers in the last two games in Busch Stadium.

I love it.

406
Talk Zone / Tickets
« on: October 20, 2005, 01:58:56 am »
Yes, I understand no one has any.  My thing is I'm willing to spend money I absolutely don't have for SRO tickets.  My question isn't do YOU have any...but who have you seen has the best price?

Also, when you go TO the park, where's the best place to find scalpers that are more "volume" than "total-fuckage"?

407
Talk Zone / This Is For Jim Raup
« on: October 20, 2005, 01:47:06 am »
2005 National League Champs, my friend.

Can't ever take that away.

You been here since Day One.  How's it feel?

408
Talk Zone / What Will You Do?
« on: October 19, 2005, 06:45:16 pm »
If we win tonight?
If we lose tonight?

409
Talk Zone / To the Cards Fans Coming Over Here to Quote Me:
« on: October 19, 2005, 05:56:45 pm »
You've opened my eyes.  Cards fans are no better than any other fans of any other team in the world.  

You're no smarter, no more dedicated, no more sophisticated, no more savvy.  

In the end, we're all just dorks with internet access.

Enjoy the time you've got with my quotes.

410
Talk Zone / Know This Has Been Asked Before..
« on: October 19, 2005, 05:16:37 pm »
Why isn't there a chatroom in here?  In gerenal, they DO suck, but it would be good for days like today when we're (mostly me) just clogging the forum with banter.

Anyone think a chatroom would be somewhat useful the next few hours?

411
Talk Zone / Not the Bill Wagner Quote Thread
« on: October 19, 2005, 04:54:17 pm »
What kind of guy are you?

1) 4-6-3 or 6-4-3?

2) Triple or out-stretching-at-home?

3) Whirling dervish or balk?

4) Tinkers, Evers, AND Chance...Zero Hall of Famers, all in the Hall of Fame?

5) Rainbows or Moving Stars?

6) Turds or steM?

7) .225 SS or .340 1B?

8) Lefty/righty or get-this-fucker-out?

9) Lose in 7 or watch the entire playoffs from home?

10) 1985 Rebecca DeMornay or 1986 Kelly LeBrock?

412
Talk Zone / Everyone Say It With Me Now. I'm Serious
« on: October 19, 2005, 03:11:21 pm »
"I promise.

I promise I will not chill any expensive beverage tonight.  I promise I will not pump my fist in the air, even on come-from-behind homeruns.  I promise I will not say nasty things to any Cardinal player (LaRussa doesn't count; don't actually say anything in parenthesis outloud) during the broadcast.  I promise I will not taunt Eckstein or Pujols or Edmonds or Sanders when Lidge comes in.  I promise I will not look at my spouse/roommate/poodle and comment how "unhittable" Roy looks tonight.  I promise I will not listen to Brennaman and Psycho and Brenly and think they told me a "fact" when what I really just heard was "bullshit to sell advertising."  I promise to respect The Blast for what it was and not to mock it.  I promise to not bring up horrific stats about the history of teams that blow games like we did the other night.  I promise not to chuck my helmet into the bluebonnets after the walk-off.  I promise not to ask Alkie's wife what it was like being 12 and watching Ryan blow it.  Or Rocket last year.   I promise to send Alkie money. I promise to take Mark Mulder seriously.  I promise to run out every grounder and not make stupid plays, even in my living room.  I promise to play 9 innings (or more if necessary).

I promise.

Also, I promise that should the Cardinals lose (you like?), I will build many domed churches in your honor.  I promise to not mention the White Sox, or Chicago, or how cool it would be to see DynoMITE again.  

I promise to be a good sport.  I promise to vomit win or lose.  I promise to lose my voice, even though I'm not in St Louis.  I promise to do everything I can to send brainwaves of support to my ballclub.  

I promise I won't blame a loss on the umpires or the opponent's ballpark, because only lame pansyassed nancyboys do that.  

Above all, I promise to be back in here tomorrow either way and prepare for the next game whether it be in St Louis or Chicago.

In Roy We Trust.  Git 'em, Weir."

413
Talk Zone / NOON!!! HOW COULD IT ONLY BE NOON?!?!?
« on: October 19, 2005, 02:55:49 pm »
It's your fault for living in Central.

Also..."ONE!  HOW COULD IT ONLY BE ONE!?!??!"

414
Talk Zone / YOUR DUTY TODAY AS AN ASTROS FAN
« on: October 19, 2005, 01:57:28 pm »
There comes a time in every man, woman, and especially teenagers life when you will be called forth into duty for your god, your family, your country, and most importantly, your baseball club.

Today is that day.

So, I ask you, fellow Texans (placed or displaced) to act in the most patriotic of ways today.

I want you all...

to pull for the team.

YES.  

I don't care if you're at work, at your cube, in a restaurant, at home, in a meeting, in class, or driving to St Louis.  Sit down, get online, go to the adult site of your choice and say "I'm mad as hell, and those are the biggest fucking tits I've ever seen!"  

Go to the restroom to powder your nose, find time to take that extra 3 minutes at lunch (2 if your imagination is pretty good), ask your secretary if she's an Astros fan, and if so, just how big?  

This is your calling.  Married, single, or filing jointly.  You must pull for the team today.  It is the only way to be sure.

Thank you.  And if you think it'll help, feel free to post material ideas in this thread.  

note: Pulling for the team to a player's wife is probably a bad idea.

415
Talk Zone / My Neck Hurts.
« on: October 19, 2005, 01:20:53 pm »
Also, my head hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My knees hurt.  My eye is twitching.  My hands are sore.  My ear is ringing.  My brain is swollen.  My heart is beating irregularily.  My fingers are shaking.  My dick is limp.  My back is spasming.  My kidneys are vibrating.  My lungs are constricted.  

I'm trying to convince myself we'll lose both games so it won't hurt as much and I can be thrilled if the alternative happens.  

So, I ask you, Roy Oswalt, not to do it for you, or the city of Houston, or the gipper, or the zipper, or Neikro, or Nolie, or Scotty.  Do it for me.

416
Talk Zone / Board Slow?
« on: October 19, 2005, 12:53:29 am »
Doesn't look like there are that many people on the site right now...is the board slow for everyone or is this just on my end?

417
Talk Zone / HR Breakdowns for MMPUS
« on: October 18, 2005, 11:12:53 pm »
Anyone have them?  Righty/lefty to which part of the park?

I'm on the Cards board and getting pounded on for hating, but rooting for a team that plays in, a little league park and I'd like to explain that there aren't NEARLY as many HRs to the Crawfords as they think.

Funny how if they had won 2 of 3, the park would be "just fine."

418
Talk Zone / I Sure Hope History Repeats Itself
« on: October 18, 2005, 09:09:38 pm »
Everyone's so quick to point out the similarities to last year's LCS; going back to Stl up 3-2.

I just hope the winner of Game Five loses the series and the winner of Game Two wins the series.

419
Talk Zone / Ok, I'm Over It.
« on: October 18, 2005, 05:39:28 pm »
Don't know what happened.  Could be that I haven't had lunch, but I'm passed last night.

I'm over the gut-wrenching loss, the feeling of doom, the loss of confidence.

I'm really glad now there was a day in between.

Now we can go in to StL tomorrow and get back to winning.

Roy and Rocket.  No way it ends here.

420
Talk Zone / Never.
« on: October 18, 2005, 01:12:42 am »
I was 4 in 1980.  I have no recollection of it whatsoever.  

I was 10 in 1986.  Watched every game with my father in the living room.  While I was obviously rooting for the Astros, I was 10 and was upset, but for about 5 minutes, then went back to playing with our hamster or whatever the fuck 10 year olds do.

I was 28 in 2004.  Watched every pitch of every inning for over a decade.  I spent more time invested in Astros baseball than sleeping or eating combined over that decade.  It was so painful watching Rocket blow it that Laura and I just sat and cried in stunned silence for about an hour.

I'm 29 now.  I've driven across the state twice and was prepared to get in the car again.  I jumped around the living room, getting ahead of myself.  "6 outs to go!  WORLD SERIES."  "3 outs to go!  WORLD FUCKIN' SERIES."  "Fucking Eckstein."  "Fucking Poncino."  "Just walk him if you have to, don't give him anythi..........





I haven't spoken a word since.  The ice melts slowly in a brandy snifter while a bottle of $350 scotch sits, unopened on my counter.  My wife has gone to bed.

I am stunned.  I am nauseated.  I am depressed.  

Still have Roy.  Still have Rocket.  Still have the lead.

But something about 3-1 lead, 1 strike to go just fits too easily into this franchise's history books.  I wish it weren't so, but we've all been here before.  And I can't say I feel good.  

I'm going to go drug myself to sleep.  I'll talk to you all Wednesday.  I don't think I can talk Astros baseball tomorrow.

Get 'em Wednesday, Roy.

421
Talk Zone / It's Official. We Win Tonight.
« on: October 17, 2005, 10:14:09 am »
0 for 38 on WS tix.  I spent 2 hours filling out those goddamn things.  0 for 38.

I can't afford the scalp prices.  So, while 43,000 people who don't know who Eric Bruntlett is, who don't know what a double switch is, who don't know who our bench coach is, who don't know why Bagwell isn't starting, who don't know how we made the playoffs or who we beat in the NLDS, who don't care if we win or lose, who don't feel WS tix for the Astros are a birthright, who don't even remember '98 let alone '86, who didn't decline invitations and reservations because it coincided with game time (for a game in JUNE or JULY), who stopped paying attention in mid-May, who may show up at the DOME for the game, who ask how many innings a playoff game is, who wonder when the Cubs changed their nickname, who do the fucking WAVE attend the World Series in Houston...we sit.  All of us.  Our asses orange with whoop.  At home.  At bars.  At work.  I'm only 29, but I've waited my entire life, intentionally never attending a WS until the Astros made it.  And I sit while some asshole bandwagon 16 year old with too much money and nothing better to do that night goes to Minute Maid.  They won't cheer.  They won't care.  They'll probably spend the game texting their friends who got a ticket, but are wandering the concourse trying to keep from falling asleep.  And I sit in El Paso trying to fight back heart attacks and aneurysms.  And you sit where ever you are.

And it isn't right.

The World Series isn't for the lucky and rich.  It's for us.  The fans.  And I shouldn't have the first Astros World Series narrated to me by TIM FUCKING MCCARVER.

422
Talk Zone / Fix Is In?
« on: October 17, 2005, 07:32:08 am »
You mean to tell me that of the literally THOUSANDS of fans on here and AstrosDaily, not ONE of us won the fucking ticket lotto??  Is that a fucking joke?  

I'm sorry.  Something is going on here.  That is just about statistically impossible.  Even if every single Houstonian entered themselves and their entire families.  ONE of us would have won.

Last year, what, something like a dozen folks on AD and half a dozen in here won.

423
Talk Zone / It Is Now "Monday, Central Time"
« on: October 17, 2005, 02:00:46 am »
Where the hell is my email?

424
Talk Zone / So.........NO ONE Has Gotten an Email Yet???
« on: October 16, 2005, 09:13:55 pm »
WTF?

I'm DYIN' here.

425
Talk Zone / Worried About Today
« on: October 16, 2005, 12:14:50 pm »
Last night, I was just brimming with pride and confidence.  I was SURE we'd win this series now.

Now, I wake up, and don't feel quite the same.  

I know Suppan's never done particularily well against us and BB has that "greatest NLCS game ever" thing against the Cards, but I can't get Brandon's last start out of my head.

What if we get crushed today?  

Can I really afford the non-refundable fees TicketMaster will no-vaseline me with tomorrow if I win the tix lotto?  

Does Wandy go in long-middle today if necessary?

Viz at 2nd?

I don't feel good about today at all.  I don't like the idea of a 3-game-series with only one home game.  Even WITH Roy/Rocket/Andy.  

Please win today.  I don't think I'm asking too much.

426
Talk Zone / WORLD SERIES TICKET THREAD
« on: October 16, 2005, 12:01:03 pm »
Please, for the love of BBGs, post here when you get an email of any kind regarding the WS Tix Draw today.

I'm on vacation, and I ain't leaving my goddamn laptop for a second today.

I'd like to know who gets "in" and who doesn't and what time they were notified.

427
Talk Zone / Our Run-in With Some BFiB -or- Why the BBGs Ignore Me
« on: October 16, 2005, 11:19:36 am »
You've probably all wondered, outloud and to yourselves, why it is that me and the BBGs have this lifelong deal since around May.  I never told this story, but I guess I will now.

May 20th.  The Astros Season Was Over.  Laura (my wife, for you new folks) and I had wracked up quite a few Travel Rewards points back when we took that big ass road trip in 2000.  The points were going to expire and we needed to use them.  So, we called up Chase and got ourselves a week in New Orleans; our favorite American city to visit.  We hadn't been since we got married there in '02.  Our dates, we were told, were either the weekend of the 15th of October or Thanksgiving (leave ON Thanksgiving and come back during the next week).  Well, we figured it'd be gorgeous in N.O. in Oct and it wasn't like the ASTROS WOULD BE IN THE NLCS, HA, HA, HA.  

So I called Harold.  He's one of the BBGs.  Actually, I IM'd him, but I didn't think you older posters would know what that meant.  

"Harold, we're thinking about being out of town during the NLCS.  If we DO that, and you see fit to put the Astros in the NLCS, we're even for ever, cool?"

"Dig," said Harold.  "Not that we'd do that."

"Of course."

Well, wouldn't you know, that crazy asswipe in the sky put the Astros in the NLCS while I was on non-refundable vacation.  

As most of you might have heard, New Orleans no longer exists.  We got a call from Chase explaining that we could change our vacation, but it had to be the EXACT same dates or it would cost us more than it would have to just pay for the flights 21-days-advance in the first fucking place.  So, we tried to find the best college football game we could get tix to (Virginia/Florida State; yes, we attended the monster upset last night) and decided to spend a weekend in Richmond, Virginia.  

But that's not what I came to tell you about.  I came to talk about "the draft."  Not Selective Service; the wind that blows between the ears of the Best Fans in Baseball.  

We're sitting in the largest sports bar in Charlottesville, Va yesterday (the hometown of the U of Virginia).  I am the only human in the city limits not wearing UVa or FSU clothing.  I am wearing an ASTROS BASEBALL t-shirt.

We sit down in the far reaches of the sports bar (who, you must know, would not put the fucking PLAYOFFS on for us because it was not "football") and two otherwise pleasant lesbians sitting next to us ask me (not in unison, which would have just creeped me the fuck out) "when do they play next?"

"Who?"

"The ASTROS..." pointing at my shirt.

"OH!  4:30 today."

"We're from St Louis; big Cardinals fans."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Ha.  CLEVER.  We're sorry you're going to be swept out."

"Ah.  Ha."

Not only did these BIG CARDINAL FANS not know WHEN THE FUCKING GAME WAS (I don't mean TIME, they didn't know there WAS a game yesterday), they still thought their team hadn't lost and were sure, just SURE, that they'd crush our souls.  

Anyway, we found a Mexican restaurant here where the owner was a baseball fan and he let us watch the game on the bigscreen in his OFFICE after we told him how no one in CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA would put the BASEBALL PLAYOFFS ON FOR US, because it coincided with SC/ND and Michigan/PSU.

All in all, a successful day, but here we sit in Richmond, VA for Game Four and (hopefully) the WS Tix Draw.  

So think of us while you're celebrating in Houston this week.  We'll be sitting in IAH waiting to change planes.

428
Talk Zone / StL Dispatch Forum
« on: October 12, 2005, 07:13:39 pm »
I just checked over there to see if anyone had won WS tix yet and read a hilarious thread that went like this:

PREDICTION THREAD

1) Cardinals have worst game of series, only win 2-0.

2) Carpenter gets hit hard.  Cards 6-5.

3) Pettitte throws perfect game.  Cards 1-0.

4) Cardinals bother showing up.  Cards 18-0.

5) Cardinals miss bus to park.  Cards 7-0.

6) Excellent pitchers duel, anything could happen.  Cards 3-0.

I went thru 3 pages of the thread and not one Cards fan thought we'd win tonight's game.  Not one.

429
Talk Zone / Not Prepared
« on: October 12, 2005, 05:32:57 pm »
4 hours to game time.  I'm not ready.  I'm just not ready.  So much to do.  Did I wear the right shirt today?  Where's my '04 WILD CARD TOWEL????  Why did my grandmother come to town TONIGHT?  What have I forgotten at work?  Where is everyone?  What am I forgetting; I know I'm forgetting something.  Gotta win tonight.  Gotta win tonight.

So dizzy.  So tired.  So pumped.  I should be in St Louis.  No.  Not safe for anyone.  Why does the game start at 8:28pm Eastern?  Who sets this shit?  Does this mean I have to watch 28 minutes of Jeanne Zelasko, the ugliest woman on television?  Who knocked her up again?  No, really.  

I'm gonna have to start quitting my job during October if we're gonna do this every year.  Ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman, ohman.

430
Talk Zone / First NLCS BBG-Defying Post
« on: October 12, 2005, 12:35:30 am »
Pettitte is not only named player of the game in Game One, people will have no choice.  

You'll see.

HOU 2, STL 0.

(Don't worry, we lose Game Two).

431
Talk Zone / What I'm Thankful For
« on: October 11, 2005, 12:22:42 pm »
Here's what I'm thankful for this October 11th:

No Yankees.  No Red Sox.  No Braves.  No Cubs.  No Pedro.  No Unit.  No Schilling.  No Manny.  No Torre.  No Sheffield.  No Jeter.  No Ortiz.  No Monster.  No Chipper.  No Andruw.  No Cox.  No Maddux.  No Glavine.  No Smoltz.  No Beltran.  No Kent.  No Zimmer.  No Moose.  No closeups of ugly fucking east coast fans (isn't there any "evolution" in the NE?).  

This may end up being the greatest CS/WS season of all time.

Thank you, BBGs.

432
Talk Zone / I'm More Than a LITTLE Curious
« on: October 11, 2005, 01:39:40 am »
Why does both mlb.com and astros.com (I know they are related, thank you) show that Game Five is not televised?  Also, how will FOX be showing both CS's on Wednesday at 7pm CT?

433
Talk Zone / Thru 3 Games
« on: October 09, 2005, 10:48:21 am »
Our punchless offense has outscored the Mighty Yankees, the Mighty RedSox, and the Mighty Braves.

Let's get this taken care of this afternoon boys, I'm only in town for one day and would like to turn some cars over and light couches on fire downtown before I leave.

Also, I'd like Andy to pitch Game One in StL.

434
Talk Zone / If We're the Only Series Left Sunday
« on: October 08, 2005, 12:41:34 am »
Which is certainly possible.  I think everyone expects the Cards to finish off the Pads on Saturday and after tonight, I could easily see the Halos taking the Yanks out as well....

What time is our game Sunday?  Do we move to primetime on Fox?  If so, let me be the first to say....that fucking sucks.

435
Talk Zone / Whole Lotta "Stupid" Lookin' For Work
« on: October 08, 2005, 12:14:06 am »
I just noticed the DRays fired LaMar AND Bonifay yesterday.

Greatest day in Tampa Bay Devil Ray history?

436
Talk Zone / Houston Horns/Astros Fans
« on: October 07, 2005, 04:57:06 pm »
Ok, we finally fucking made it.  What a pain in the ass.

We're thinking about going to Texadelphia on Westheimer tomorrow to watch the Horns game.  Anyone got a place they suggest?

437
Talk Zone / Who Has a Cell Phone And Wants an Important Mission Today?
« on: October 06, 2005, 12:37:33 pm »
Here's our situation.

We currently have a hotel in Fort Stockton, where I most certainly don't want to stay.  We did this because it was the only place we could get to with a TV to make sure we got the Astros game tonight.

Now that it looks like the game will be at LEAST delayed, we'd like to try to make it to San Antonio.

Here's the thing.  We need someone with a cell phone to text my cell phone with updates about every 90 minutes about the game tonight.  If it's not going to be delayed, then it looks like we need to pull over in Junction or something and watch the game in a restaurant or hotel lobby.  If the game IS going to be delayed, we need to know so we can just book it to San Antonio.  If the game has been POSTPONED, we need to know so we can get to San Antonio without a speeding ticket.

Whomever is willing to do this for me today gets a VALUABLE prize when I get to Houston.  Could be a handshake, or an empty debt of gratitude. Most likely, I'll buy you a beer at Game Three.  

If you can help, and really don't mind, please email me at zgronichATgronichfinancial.com

Many, many thanks.

438
Talk Zone / ALRIGHT HORNS AND ASTROS FANS!!!
« on: October 06, 2005, 10:36:57 am »
Astros/Braves Game 3 is at 6:40pm Central Saturday.

Thank GOD.  We can watch both in peace now.

439
Talk Zone / And For You Media Cocksmoke Biggio/Bagwell Playoff "Haters"
« on: October 05, 2005, 08:40:08 pm »
Biggio and Bagwell:

.750, 4 runs, 2 RBIs, 1.000 SLG

The media can lick my anus.

440
Talk Zone / Tim Hudson
« on: October 05, 2005, 08:37:22 pm »
That was Hudson's worst outing against an NL team since MAY NINTH.

How very un-Astro.

That may be one of my favorite postseason games now.  It ain't GameFive or anything, but that sure was satisfying.

441
Talk Zone / How You Like My Punchless Offense NOW, BITCH?
« on: October 05, 2005, 07:37:59 pm »
I fucking love it.

442
Talk Zone / No Lamb Today. OP In Left.
« on: October 05, 2005, 03:47:11 pm »
Biggio leading off, Taveras 2nd.

443
Talk Zone / So....What's Everyone Doing the Next 3 Hours?
« on: October 05, 2005, 01:50:41 pm »
I'm meeting my wife and daughter for lunch, then going home to watch Baseball Tonight and then throwup.

You guys?

444
Talk Zone / Consensus?
« on: October 05, 2005, 11:40:18 am »
It's weird.  I'm not NEARLY as nervous this morning as I usually am before Game One.

I think a lot of it is that I really have no problem with us losing today because I'm sure we'll take both games in Houston and at least one other game in ATL.  

Anyone else feel oddly calm about today; win or lose?

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see us sweep the Lidging Braves.

445
Talk Zone / I'll Go Ahead And Say It.
« on: October 04, 2005, 09:35:39 pm »
Astros lose tomorrow.

1-0.  Andy will not take the loss.

446
Talk Zone / How Is This Game WORSE?
« on: October 04, 2005, 05:38:41 pm »
5-0 Palehose, 1st inning still going.

I think Clement is done.

Please, if there is a God, let the RedSox and Yanks get swept.  Thank you.

447
Talk Zone / Dammit. I Was Hoping This Would Wait Til Tomorrow.
« on: October 04, 2005, 12:44:55 am »
Who else is staying up with me tonight?

Should we start a GZ and make up PBP for the best Astros All-Time Team and this year's Braves?

I'm so goddamn full of piss and adrenaline, I could go out and play.  Linebacker.

448
Talk Zone / Can You Avenge Revenge?
« on: October 03, 2005, 06:09:50 pm »
I just read that the Braves will be looking to avenge last year's NLDS loss to the Stros.

Can you do that?  I mean, they're still up 3-1 in these things, don't we still owe them at LEAST one more series loss?

449
Talk Zone / The Prediction Thread
« on: October 03, 2005, 12:37:52 am »
For a dirty Kleenex and the chance to buy me a beer in Houston next week, place your predictions here.

Cards in 3
Astros in 5
Angels in 4
ChiSox in 3

Cards in 6
Angels in 7

Cards in 4

450
Talk Zone / Uhh....Say!
« on: October 03, 2005, 12:29:22 am »
Braves.com is showing Tim Hudson as Game One starter.

Has Smoltz been scratched???

edit: It's on Astros.com too.  What the hell happened??

451
Talk Zone / Might As Well Get THIS Thread Started:
« on: October 02, 2005, 11:52:21 pm »
Pitchers
Roy Oswalt
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Brandon Backe
Chad Qualls
Dan Wheeler
Brad Lidge
Mike Gallo
Russ Springer
Wandy Rodriguez

Catchers
Brad Ausmus
Raul Chavez

Infielders
Jeff Bagwell
Craig Biggio
Adam Everett
Morgan Ensberg
Mike Lamb
Jose Vizcaino

Outfielders
Lance Berkman
Willy Taveras
Orlando Palmeiro
Jason Lane
Eric Bruntlett
Chris Burke

25th Man
Humberto Quintero?
Zeke Astacio?
Someone I'm Totally Fucking Forgetting?

452
Talk Zone / Big-Salary Players and Titles
« on: October 02, 2005, 11:25:53 pm »
Of the 90 highest player-salary-seasons (for example, 2004 Manny Ramirez's salary would be one salary-season), how many won a WS (during that year)?

Don't look it up.  I'll give the answer in a little while.

453
Talk Zone / While I'd Do Almost Anything to Not Have To See...
« on: October 02, 2005, 09:38:47 pm »
Another fucking RedSox/Yanks ALCS, as long as both ALDSes are sweeps, I don't care who it is.

I can just see them starting our Sat and Sun games at midnight or 7am to appease the East Coast apes.

454
Talk Zone / Credit Where Credit's Due
« on: October 02, 2005, 08:01:34 pm »
I think we all owe a big debt of drugs and pussy to Foghorn.

Here's a man who, almost completely hand-in-hand with his better judgement, spent no time posting in the TZ for the last 2 months.  

And all for what?  To win.  He played.  To win.

So thank you Foghorn.  I didn't miss you for a second, and I'm glad you were gone, but I'm sure I had something nice to say.

You're a good man.  You've done your family proud.

455
Talk Zone / Postseason Sched???
« on: October 02, 2005, 06:29:01 pm »
I'm so glad MLB is up on this shit.  Some of us have sick days to use and hotels to get.

Anyone know when the hell we're playing this week?

456
Talk Zone / Brad Lidge Just Said It Best:
« on: October 02, 2005, 05:51:19 pm »
"That was FUCKIN' HUGE."

Good for you son.  That's a fuckin' huge FCC fine.  You earned it.

Let's git them BRAVES!

457
Talk Zone / I'LL SEE YOU FUCKERS NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!
« on: October 02, 2005, 05:47:20 pm »
FUCKIN' A!

458
Talk Zone / Ok, Dusty, So Does THAT Mean...
« on: October 01, 2005, 10:35:42 pm »
Baker had said that the only thing his team was scrapping and playing hard for was a .500 record.

Well, you can kiss that goodbye.  Best they can do now is 2 games under.  

Soooooooo..........

Does that mean the regulars will play tomorrow?  How long will Maddux go?

459
Talk Zone / Ask NOT What Rocket Can Do For YOU
« on: October 01, 2005, 11:22:53 am »
What have YOU done, gentle Astro fan, to ensure a win today?  

Have you eaten something awful?  Drank something called "beer" from San Antonio or New Orleans?  Worn something special, even if it's women's clothing?  Had sex with that special someone who you've secretly hated for years?  

I didn't think so.

Perhaps, after you read this, your next move is to get off your lazy ass, get up, go to the window, and yell as loud as you can, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm going to eat goulash with chocolate on it and wash it down with menudo, which is why Mexico is a 3rd World country!!!"

Ideas should be posted here for others to share.  

We may not make the playoffs, but it damn well won't be our fault.

460
Talk Zone / Baseball Gods, Are You There? It's Me, Alkie.
« on: October 01, 2005, 11:15:50 am »
You don't know me, but I'm a big fan.  You see, I don't believe in superstition.  I don't believe in religion.  I don't believe in fate or destiny or things happening for a "reason."  I believe you make your own luck.  I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch.  I believe that the Astros losing another home series to the Cubs will actually cause me to vibrate until my organs burst.  I believe in forcing my wife to call in sick so we can drive 767 miles across the biggest goddamn (real) state in the union to watch two baseball games.  I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. I believe Alou was safe at 3rd.  I believe Bill Spiers was the greatest utility player of all time.  I believe Hatcher's homerun went 8,000 feet.  I believe GameFive was somewhere between the birth of my daughter and the day I met my wife.  I don't believe in heaven, but I do believe in Hell.  I believe good pitching beats good hitting, unless it doesn't.  I believe in playing to win, not playing not to lose.  I believe in Gar, and Baggy, and Bidge, and Cruuuz, and that fat, lazy, head-up-his-ass tub of goo who keeps hitting big HRs the last week.

I also believe in you, Gods of Baseball.  I believe I erred (E-Alkie?) last week when I purchased NLDS tickets behind the plate with money I didn't have, a week before we even could have clinched.  I apologize.  It wasn't right.  It wasn't cool.  "My bad."  

All I ask is this.  One more chance.  I deserve it.  You took my World Series Game 4 and 5 tickets away from me and my wife last year, but I didn't leave.  

So, today...when you're trying to decide if Rocket pulls his hammy in the top of the 2nd and whether or not I have to watch Zeke Astacio try to put us in the playoffs, remember this: you still have the chance to make a little Braves fan cry again.  And really...isn't that what it's all about?

Thank you.

Love,
Alkie

461
Talk Zone / Honestly,
« on: October 01, 2005, 12:02:51 am »
I don't think I'd be nearly this emotional about this if I didn't lose $7.50 per ticket per game to TicketMaster for some sort of "non-refundable convenience fee" for two games that will never happen now.

Goddammit.

At least I guess I save $180 in gas driving across the state.

It's the Cubs, ladies.  They have a losing record, and they're at our place.  Show some sack tomorrow, eh?

462
Talk Zone / 2 Runs?
« on: September 29, 2005, 11:22:46 pm »
2 fucking runs against a 5th pitcher who we've seen, what, 18 times this season already, at home?

THAT was fucking weak.

Frustrating.  Better get one tomorrow.  Sure would like to be able to rest Rocket and Roy and be playing next weekend.

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