{"id":12024,"date":"2014-04-04T19:04:31","date_gmt":"2014-04-05T00:04:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.spikesnstars.com\/?p=12024"},"modified":"2014-04-04T19:04:31","modified_gmt":"2014-04-05T00:04:31","slug":"los-angeles-angels-of-anaheim-vs-houston-astros","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/2014\/04\/04\/los-angeles-angels-of-anaheim-vs-houston-astros\/","title":{"rendered":"Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim vs. Houston Astros"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Great Bagwell’s Beard<\/strong><\/p>\n

I mean, sure, it\u2019s just one week. But even if we never get closer to first place in the West than half a game, we still beat the Yankees two out of three, and Jeter left town without picking up his Valtrex refill. Hope springs eternal and all that good stuff. The Boys in Blue showed that all that PROCESS bullshit actually translates into hustle on the basepaths and a rejuvenated bullpen. And now, the assholes from the other coast are coming. <\/p>\n

Just as the Yanks are from the Bronx but front like they\u2019re from Manhattan, so bid bonjour to the dregs of the SoCal suburbs, where everything used to be an orange grove, but is now just extended parking for Disneyland. They sport a roster that is somehow MORE overpaid than the Yankees, and just as shaky. We\u2019ve been promised the bottom of the West ever since October of last year, but the last time I checked, the Astros weren\u2019t there right now. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Earth were. They need to stay there. They need to get on the 10, take it to Pasadena, and die in a bronzer fire. <\/p>\n

—Before I relay this anecdote, please consider it a hipster drinking game. Anytime something described could be taken as \u201chipster-ish,\u201d please consume the liquor of your choice. Please keep a loved one and a 911 speed-dial handy. <\/p>\n

On the way home from Fort Worth last weekend, my wife and I listened to an episode of \u201cThis American Life\u201d wherein a delightful old woman (who happened to be he mother of one of the producers) related her seven conversational topics to be avoided at all costs, for fear of boring your audience to the dullest of all deaths. The goal of the show was to tell a story about each of those topics that was fascinating enough to violate her insistence that the topics are inherently boring. <\/p>\n

Her number one prohibition was on discussing your route, that is, the way that you arrived at the location which is now hosting your dreadful discussion of the time spent in your car. The example she cited as chief among the boredom involved a time that Robert Redford visited her at their home on Long Island. Even Redford was not excused for telling a boring tale of his travels. <\/p>\n

All of this to say, since discussion of routes is basically the second most popular sport in California (behind inconsistent liberalism), the beast the Astros face tonight is Boredom. And in the face of that boredom, we present Dexter Fowler, whiskey drinker and hell raiser. We present Jose Altuve, the mighty mite. We present Lucas Harrell, who might actually explode into a cloud of irrelevancy tonight. We present Matt Dominguez, strong of arm and bat. We present L.J. Hoes, because the puns never, ever get old. We present Jason Castro, the second-best catcher in Houston history. We present Matt Albers, 120% of the player he was last time he donned this uniform. <\/p>\n

Go get \u2018em, boys.<\/p>\n

Probable Pitchers<\/strong>
\nFriday, April 4<\/strong>
\n7:10 PM, MMPUS
\nGarrett Richards v. Lucas Harrell
\nGarrett Richards, who was not an original SNL cast member, has given up a home run to Carter AND struck him out twice. Which sounds right. Grossman is 4-for-5 lifetime against him. Because all these players have had short lifetimes.
\nWhat can be said about Lucas Harrell that hasn\u2019t already been said about Afghanistan?<\/p>\n

Saturday, April 5<\/strong>
\n6:10 PM, MMPUS
\nTyler Skaggs v. Dallas Keuchel
\nTyler Skaggs is not the banjo player in Alison Krauss\u2019s band, but it\u2019d be cooler if he was because Alison Krauss is awesome. And hot. And awesome. Jesus Guzman has hit a grand slam off him.
\nKeuchel had a solid spring, and should have plenty of opportunities this year to show what he\u2019s capable of. Howie Kendrick and Raul Ibanez have both homered off him, and Hamilton has struck out in half his AB\u2019s against Keuchel.<\/p>\n

Sunday, April 6<\/strong>
\n1:10 PM, MMPUS
\nJered Weaver (0-1, 4.26) v. Scott Feldman (1-0, 0.00)
\nJered should have another \u201cr\u201d or an \u201ca\u201d somewhere. Let\u2019s get more efficient and just call him Jrd. Jrd lost his first start, and has been very difficult for every Astro not named Altuve.
\nFeldman showed that he might not actually be overpaid after all on Tuesday, and like more than just a placeholder. Against current Angels, Erick Aybar and Kendrick have hit him well, but he\u2019s dealt well with their big hitters.<\/p>\n

Monday, April 7<\/strong>
\n1:10 PM, MMPUS
\nC.J. Wilson (0-1, 9.53) v. Jarred Cosart (1-0, 0.00)
\nDAY GAME! Wilson take a break from racing to serve up some runs. The former Ranger has faced Corporan more than any other current Astro. Really. Corp has a homer, as do Carter and Altuve.<\/p>\n

Prrrrrrromotions<\/strong>
\nFriday<\/em>
\nFireworks!
\nSaturday<\/em>
\nBerkman\/Oswalt Retirement Ceremony \u2013 TWINKIE FILLED BULLDOZERS FOR EVERYONE!
\nGym Bag
\nSunday<\/em>
\nGreen Tote Bag \u2013 what it says on the can.<\/p>\n

Talk about it in the Game Zone<\/a>!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Please keep a loved one and a 911 speed-dial handy. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[202,6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12024"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/34"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12024"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12024\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12027,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12024\/revisions\/12027"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12024"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12024"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12024"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}