{"id":1171,"date":"2008-06-06T00:50:53","date_gmt":"2008-06-06T05:50:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.spikesnstars.com\/?p=1171"},"modified":"2008-06-06T01:00:19","modified_gmt":"2008-06-06T06:00:19","slug":"cardinals-astros-the-jakes-the-fat-man-june-6-8-2008","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/2008\/06\/06\/cardinals-astros-the-jakes-the-fat-man-june-6-8-2008\/","title":{"rendered":"Cardinals @ Astros &#8211; The Jakes &amp; The Fat Man (June 6-8, 2008)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">THE JAKES AND THE FAT MAN<\/span><\/strong><br \/>\n<strong><br \/>\nRetardinals (<em>36-26<\/em>) <\/strong>at<strong> Astros (<em>31-30<\/em>)<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.ballparks.com\/baseball\/national\/bpkaus.htm\">Minute Maid Park<\/a><\/strong><br \/>\n501 Crawford St.<br \/>\nHouston, TX\u00a0 77002<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p>After a 17-11 record in the month of May, to the Astros June looks like it is shaping up to be a bigger sinkhole than the one swallowing up Daisetta, as the team has floundered so far to a 1-3 record this month.\u00a0 Maybe some home games, a rarity this season, will help.<\/p>\n<p>The fucking Cardinals roll in sporting a 10-games-above-.500 record, despite having a pretty unimpressive lineup, a patched together rotation, and &#8211; after closer Jason Isringhausen essentially collapsed in upon himself last month &#8211; a bullpen in disarray.\u00a0 They still scare me though &#8211; I fucking despise them.<\/p>\n<p>They can come in here this weekend and do whatever, just don&#8217;t bring that <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.spikesnstars.com\/forums\/index.php?topic=106028.msg207013\">dancing faggot<\/a><\/strong> along with them.\u00a0 When I saw that guy, my first thought was, Jim Edmonds!\u00a0 But, oh yeah, Anaheim Jimmy now sashays around in centerfield in Chicago, not St. Louis.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"underline;\">Game 1<\/span>: <strong>Friday June 6, 2008<\/strong> &#8211; 7:05 p.m. CDT (<strong><em>FSN<\/em><\/strong>)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"underline;\">Game 2<\/span>: <strong>Saturday June 7, 2008<\/strong> &#8211; 6:05 p.m. CDT (<em><strong>FSN<\/strong><\/em>)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"underline;\">Game 3<\/span>: <strong>Sunday June 8, 2008<\/strong> &#8211; 1:05 p.m. CDT (<em><strong>my li&#8217;l tv station<\/strong><\/em>)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p>I have tried in the past to be equanimical about Albert Pujols, the person.\u00a0 OK, no I haven&#8217;t.\u00a0 But anyway, he is a great ballplayer, no doubt; otherwise. . . meh.\u00a0 And in The Big Picture, what is it really worth to be a great ballplayer if, as a human being, one is basically a rich, useless, self-absorbed cipher?<\/p>\n<p>I realize my bias as an Astros fan and an avowed hater of all things Jakes colors my impression of Pujols.\u00a0 I mean, 3rdinal fans say he is a great guy, religious, family man, etc.\u00a0 But that is the BFiBs.\u00a0 LaRussa seems to have suppressed sexual desires for him, but that is Mr. .093.\u00a0 To me, Pujols comes across &#8211; on the field &#8211; as a real prick.\u00a0 His stupid glare, his taking pissy exception to any pitch that isn&#8217;t laid out for him thigh-high and down the middle, his schoolyard bat flip on HRs, his bullshit slides into stationary players &#8211; all of it belies a man who&#8217;s only interested in and fascinated by himself.\u00a0 I&#8217;m with Brandon Backe on this one.\u00a0 Fuck him.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>And fuck his super-pious fucking fundamentalist religious bullshit, too.\u00a0 I have nothing against Christians generally, even the holy rollers.\u00a0 But there is a special place in St. Louis, er, hell for cynical a-holes like Pujols, the sanctimonious fucks who profess their faith when it looks good in print but do not otherewise appear to be all that fucking &#8220;inspirational&#8221;, shall we say.\u00a0 But don&#8217;t even worry about me being pissed off about it and hating your guts, Pujols; I&#8217;m just an internet nobody with this little platform to fire shots across your bow from.\u00a0 Forget me &#8211; you are fucking with Mr. Supernatural now, baby.\u00a0 Even having LaRussa down on your r\u00e9sum\u00e9 as your personal do-boy cocksucker won&#8217;t get you past that one.<\/p>\n<p><em>God said to Abraham, &#8220;Kill me a son&#8221;<br \/>\nAbe said, &#8220;Man, you must be puttin&#8217; me on&#8221;<br \/>\nGod sid, &#8220;No.&#8221; Abe said, &#8220;What?&#8221;<br \/>\nGod said, &#8220;You can do what you want, Abe, but<br \/>\nThe next time you see me comin&#8217; you&#8217;d better run&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I remember seeing some AT&amp;T commercials during the games last year.\u00a0 Apparently there were podcasts on the AT&amp;T website featuring &#8220;Neon&#8221; Deion Sanders, former The ATL and Dallas Cowboy asshat turned very low wattage TV &#8220;personality&#8221; who visited various current athletes&#8217; homes and spent some time hanging out with them.\u00a0 One of the athletes he hung out with was Albert Pujols.<\/p>\n<p>Are there any physicists in the room?\u00a0 Has it ever happened that one black hole sucked into its maw another black hole?\u00a0 What happens then?\u00a0 The vapid, pointless, self-absorbed has-been Deion Sanders interviewing the hypocritical cheap shot surly asshole Albert Pujols must have been something like that.\u00a0 I cannot begin to imagine what inanities must have been involved.\u00a0 And I never went to AT&amp;T&#8217;s website to find out.\u00a0 But I am betting there was a giant sucking sound, for one thing.<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">Pitching Matchups<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong><span style=\"underline;\">Friday<\/span><\/strong><br \/>\nRHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/farm1.static.flickr.com\/45\/169166822_ba2d256b31_b.jpg\">Braden Looper<\/a><\/strong> (7-4, 5.03) vs. RHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.baseball-reference.com\/m\/moehlbr01.shtml\">Brian Moehler<\/a><\/strong> (2-2, 4.54)<br \/>\n<strong><span style=\"underline;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Somehow <strong>Braden Looper<\/strong> is 7-4.\u00a0 He&#8217;s got an ERA over 5 and has given up 84 hits in 68 IP.\u00a0 He is averaging less than 6 IP per start.\u00a0 His run support (4.5 per game) has been okay, not tremendous.\u00a0 With the Astros, he&#8217;d be 2-7 or something.\u00a0 Lifetime vs. Houston he is 7-4, 3.12, much better than his overall numbers. . . <strong>Brian Moehler<\/strong> has given the Astros a warm body in the #5 starter spot, which he wrested from former rotation-dweller Chris Sampson not by being an appreciably better pitcher, but rather by being a more consistent one.\u00a0 Cecil Cooper decided he would opt for Moehler&#8217;s standard 4+ innings of good to excellent pitching before falling apart over Sampson&#8217;s great start-crappy start-mediocre start-in-no-particular-order routine.\u00a0 I didn&#8217;t think Moehler would last three starts, but it appears he will be around for somewhat longer than that.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">Saturday<\/span><\/strong><br \/>\nRHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Adam_Wainwright\">Adam Wainwright<\/a><\/strong> (5-3, 3.12) vs. RHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/sportsillustrated.cnn.com\/baseball\/mlb\/players\/6713\">Shawn Chac\u00f3n<\/a><\/strong> (2-1, 4.41)<\/p>\n<p>From <em>Teh Wikipedia<\/em>:<strong>\u00a0 &#8220;<\/strong><strong>Adam Wainwright<\/strong> is a practicing Christian. In the off-season, he resides on St. Simons Island, Georgia, with his wife Jenny and their daughter, Baylie Grace. . . If nothing else, <strong>Shawn Chac\u00f3n<\/strong> should be well rested after his last start, against Milwaukee, which lasted all of one inning. . . About a month or so ago, a poster at another fansite did <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/evilwontwin.yuku.com\/topic\/13620\/t\/Excited-about-Tuesday.html\">a parody song<\/a><\/strong> in honor of Shawn Chac\u00f3n.\u00a0 Pretty darn funny, some real characters on that site.\u00a0 And who is this guy Rob Hulsey?\u00a0 Never heard of him before, but what a card!\u00a0 Rob Hulsey, you&#8217;re a madman!\u00a0 If you are reading this, I wanna party with you, cowboy.\u00a0 The two of us together, forget it!<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">Sunday<\/span><\/strong><br \/>\nRHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/mlb.mlb.com\/images\/2007\/05\/10\/fEIyiq9P.jpg\">Kyle Lohse<\/a><\/strong> (6-2, 3.87) vs. RHP <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/xfmsports.com\/images\/Untitled-Scanned-13.jpg\">Wandy Rodriguez<\/a><\/strong> (2-1, 2.38)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kyle Lohse<\/strong> is a lanky right-hander who was signed by the Jakes on the cheap this past off-season after a couple of unremarkable years with the Dickities and pHillie pHuckers.\u00a0 He has been an asset to 3rds rotation so far.\u00a0 Lohse is primarily known for A.) being one of only three non-Hispanic Native Americans currently playing in MLB, and B.) being a self-centered under-achiever who probably got a shitty contract this off season because of it.\u00a0 Well, that and having Scott Boras for an agent. . . Although the starting pitching in general still scares me, <strong>Wandy Rodriguez<\/strong> has been pitching really well since coming back off the DL.\u00a0 His start earlier this week in Pittsburgh &#8211; six innings of shutout ball &#8211; was beautiful, no other way to put it.<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">Obligatory Ray King fat jokes<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ray King is so fat that when Mother Theresa saw Ray King, she said. . . OK, I&#8217;m going to stop this now.\u00a0 Like some others here, <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.spikesnstars.com\/forums\/index.php?topic=105977.0\">I piled on with the fat guy jokes<\/a><\/strong> when it was disclosed last week that the Astros had signed former Co-ardinal reliever and portly portsider Ray King to a minor league contract and had assigned him to Round Rock.\u00a0 What my humorous contributions to the lexicon lacked in quality, I attempted to make up for with quantity.<\/p>\n<p>I feel bad about that.\u00a0 Fat jokes are generally rather primitive, for one thing.\u00a0 And then Jim R. informed us that, according to his source, King &#8211; while certainly large &#8211; is not fat at all, but rather is &#8220;well-muscled.&#8221;\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p>He is no doubt also:<\/p>\n<ul type=\"disc\">\n<li>Big-boned;<\/li>\n<li>Large-framed;<\/li>\n<li>His mom&#8217;s people have always been on the big side;<\/li>\n<li>He is not overweight for his height, he is short for his weight<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So, no more fat jokes from me; and no more making fun of Ray King, either.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;d be cool if Ray King was with the big club this series, and got to face his old team.\u00a0 You never know.\u00a0 If he does get called up from Round Rock, we should be able to start to see him as he nears Brenham or thereabouts.<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"underline;\">Injuries<\/span><\/strong><br \/>\n<strong><span style=\"underline;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"http:\/\/stlouis.cardinals.mlb.com\/team\/injuries.jsp?c_id=stl\">St. Louis<\/a><\/strong> &#8211; <strong>Jason Isringhausen<\/strong> (RHP), locked save-blowing mechanism, psychological imbalance, 15-day DL;\u00a0 <strong>Joel Piniero<\/strong> (RHP), groin injury, 15-day DL; <strong>Chuck Berry<\/strong> (lead guitarist) rockin&#8217; pneumonia, boogie-woogie flu, 15-day DL; <strong>Linda Blair<\/strong> (channeler of Satan), sore neck, damned for all eternity; <strong>William S. Burroughs<\/strong> (writer, junky), steely dan, hard to say; <strong>T.S. Eliiot<\/strong> (hollow man), whimper, 15-day DL; <strong>Richard Gephardt<\/strong> (politician), over-earnestness, intractable dullness, missing eyebrows, moved from 15-day DL to 60-day DL; <strong>Vincent Price<\/strong> (actor), the funk of 40,000 years, out 40,000 years; <strong>Ike Turner<\/strong> (olefactory specialist), enlarged uni-nostril, out indefinitely.<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"http:\/\/houston.astros.mlb.com\/team\/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou\">Houston<\/a><\/strong> &#8211; <strong>Greg Lucas<\/strong> (relief announcer) obscurantism, 60-day DL.<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p>Jakes win the series, 2-1.<\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em><br \/>\n<em>Strange days have found us<br \/>\nStrange days have tracked us down<br \/>\nTheyre going to ruin<br \/>\nThe goal we&#8217;re pursuin&#8217;<br \/>\nWe shall go on playing<br \/>\nBut we&#8217;re going down<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Yeah!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Strange names fill strange lineups<br \/>\nThe best laid plans have gone awry<br \/>\nLaRussa is grinning<br \/>\nThe Cubs are even winning<br \/>\nHear me talk of sin<br \/>\nAnd you know this is it<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Yeah!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Strange days have found us<br \/>\nAnd through their strange hours<br \/>\nWe linger alone<br \/>\nBodies confused<br \/>\nMemories misused<br \/>\nAs we run from the day<br \/>\nTo a strange night of stone<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Peace, my friend.\u00a0 Drinking really is the best way to kill the pain.\u00a0 My thoughts are with you.<\/p>\n<p>********<\/p>\n<p>You may follow the game action as it unfolds in the <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/forums\/index.php?board=10.0\">Game Zone<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em><a href=\"http:\/\/forecast.weather.gov\/MapClick.php?CityName=Houston&amp;state=TX&amp;site=HGX&amp;textField1=29.7687&amp;textField2=-95.3867\">Weather Report<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>THE JAKES AND THE FAT MAN Retardinals (36-26) at Astros (31-30) \u00a0 Minute Maid Park 501 Crawford St. Houston, TX\u00a0 77002 ******** After a 17-11 record in the month of May, to the Astros June looks like it is shaping up to be a bigger sinkhole than the one swallowing up Daisetta, as the team [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":20,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1171"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/20"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1171"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1171\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1171"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1171"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.orangewhoopass.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1171"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}