The Nationals offense is strong, with five starters hitting at or within a hundredth or two of .300, including Adam Dunn, who is somehow not leading the team in strike outs. Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman are both mashing the ball pretty well, too. So why are the Nats so bad? It ain’t the vaunted NL East competition; the Mets were last seen consulting the Treasury Department Chart of Judgment, and the Phillies are back to getting booed, while everyone eats the Marlins dust. (On the upside, we’re two more years away from another Marlins post-WS fire sale!) The Nats are awful because they’re the East Coast version of the Rangers, with a ridiculous offense, but pitching so bad that they actually had Tim Redding start 33 games for them last year. 33! Their best starter this year is rookie Jordan Zimmerman, who sports a startlingly mediocre 4.24 ERA to go with his 2-1 record. Alert Tom Hicks! This man deserves a $60 million contract!

The Nationals also remind me of one of my favorite bands. Lest you think that such a reminders stems from one of my favorite bands being one that favors bluster over fundamentals (sorry, Animal Collective!), rest assured that I’m talking about The National. This Brooklyn band puts together darkly beautiful odes to domesticity and urban angst that are the perfect soundtracks for both brooding nights at home, and raucous forays into the streets in search of brown liquor and companionship. Two of my favorite tracks below:

“Fake Empire” on Letterman

“The Geese of Beverly Road” with some lame montage crap.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday

Brian Moehler (0-2, 27.00) v. John Lannan (0-3, 4.61)

The man who is holding Felipe Paulino back from the starting rotation gets to take the mound for the first time since coming off the DL. Moehler obviously needed some time to get into shape, as he was starting to look more and more like the second coming of Chan Ho Park than the 2008 Moehler who anchored the back of the rotation. The knee is supposedly better now, though, so let’s hope for the best. Against the Nats, he’s 2-4 lifetime, and has had success against Adam Dunn (.176, 2 K’s) and Nick Johnson (.231, 3 K’s). Unfortunately, the rest of the Nationals hit him pretty damned well: Cristian Guzman (.462), Austin Kearns (.500, 1 homer), and Ryan Zimmerman (.500) among them. This could get ugly, but at least the bullpen is well rest…fuck me, Coop. Would one more inning from Wandy killed you?

Big lefty Lannan was the Nats opening day starter this year, which is pretty awesome because you’ve never heard his name until now. He tends to give up one big inning in each of his starts, which actually makes him sound like another Opening Day starter we know. He has been hit well by the Puma (.500) and Caballo (.333 and a homer) and PENCE!!! (.400); the top of the lineup has not fared well against him, with Bourn and Kaz still looking for their first career hits against him.

The Ski Club of Washington sponsors John Lannan’s Baseball-Reference.com page. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

Tuesday

Roy Oswalt (0-2, 3.82) v. Scott Olsen (1-3, 6.08)

Roy only threw 13 pitches in his previous start in Atlanta, so he’s get a chance to throw at least 14 this time out. He’s still looking for his first win, which sounds about as strange as Limey being unable to find a pint. A combination of Oswalt Innings and bullpen explosions have left him winless, and I’m sure he’d like to get that monkey off his back. Questions are lingering about whether or not he’s really the Wizard anymore in the first place, and whether he’ll have to become more crafty to get outs instead of blowing guys away. Picking on the Nats would be a great place to start, since he’s made them his double bitch on numerous occasions. He’s 3-1 with a 2.59 ERA against the Washingtonians, and has been particularly effective against Nick Johnson (.111) and Austin Kearns (.171). Meanwhile, Adam Dunn is Adam Dunn against Roy-O (4 homers, 19 K’s, .250), and Ryan Zimmerman stands as the most successful player against Roy at .375 and 2 HR. From the looks of it, if Dunn and Zimmerman do connect against Roy, at least the bases will be empty.

Scott Olsen, smoker and taser victim, was acquired from the Marlins this offseason, and has already made himself at home in DC by stinking up the joint. He’s a fireballer, so hopefully the big boppers can all turn some of that velocity around and keep his ERA high. He did have success in his most recent outing against the Phillies, but his numbers against the Good Guys suggest that it’ll either be feast or famine. Kaz and Carlos (sounds like a morning drive-time radio show, huh?) both hit .333 against him, and Puma goes one better with a .444 BA; everyone else who has faced young Mr. Olsen (including Miggy, Pence, and Towles) are all 0-fer against him. I think it’s pretty safe to say that Olsen’s kind of an asshole, so here’s hoping he gets his smoke break early.

Notable Promotions

Tuesday: T-shirt Tuesdays continues with a t-shirt featuring Teddy Roosevelt wearing a sombrero. Seriously. I think some of the crack rocks from Baltimore may have made their way inside the Beltway.

Injury Reports

Astros

Aaron Boone: Gone to see the Wizard, see if he can get a heart before that Tin Man motherfucker does.

Brandon Backe: Still rehabbing. Rehabbing his intercostal muscle, mind you, not “oh my god, I think I just snorted coke at the table during Easter dinner” rehab.

Doug Brocail: day-to-day, last seen yelling at his hamstring to whip it into shape.

Humberto Qunitero: The Thing is still on the 15-day DL, but could be back next week.

Jose Valverde: Papa Grande is still leaking fluid like a Pontiac Grand Am, and won’t be back this month.

Nationals

Roger Bernadina: Mismatched first and last name, 60 day DL.

Matt Chico: Running a bail bond company, 60 day DL.

Dmitri Young: Choking the hell out of a Lady Cop, 15 day DL

Terrell Young: Late for Buffalo Bills training camp, is a locker room cancer, 15 day DL

What To Look For:

Rain

Roy

Revitalized Puma

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