MILWAUKEE 6, Houston 2
July 30, 2011
(Meet Me In The) Beer Park

WP: Gallardo (12-7, 3.69)
LP: Happ (4-13, 6.01)

MILWAUKEE (SnS) – Still stunned by their sudden Pence-lessness, the staggering Houston Astros dropped the contest to the Milwaukee Brewers here tonight, losing by a tally of 6-2. Brewer hurler Yovany Gallardo picked up his 12th win in the process, while Houston lefty J.A. Happ lost his lucky 13th, and saw his ERA creep up over 6.00 (the Lima Line?)

All across the scorched earth of Astroland, fans emerged from bunkers, crudely constructed fallout shelters, and drunken stupors to see what was left of the landscape after the Big One was finally dropped on Friday night and Our Last Hero was unceremoniously jerked off of the field of play in front of millions watching on FSH (okay, maybe a couple hundred), put in a sealed-up box with little holes poked in it, and shipped Next Day Air to Philadelphia. Stunned local sports anchors tried to explain it, civic leaders mourned, and anyone caught reacting positively to the news that Hunter Pence was finally fucking gone was excoriated and beat over the head with statistics, before being called a pissing moaner.

As far as the game goes, nothing much new to report. Bourgeois filled in for PENCE!! in his usual exuberant, speedy manner. Outfielder J.D. Martinez, a/k/a APOTF (Another Piece Of The Future), who was called up from Corpus Christi to replace Pence and arrived at game time, hit a pinch double in his first MLB at bat in the eighth inning and will make his starting debut in LF tomorrow (meaning, presumably, Brett Wallace will get the pine, of course.) After responding to the paddles and briefly reviving on the table by taking the last two of the Cardinal series in St. Louis, the Astros have now flat-lined again, having dropped the first two in Milwaukee while starting a whole new losing streak. And so it goes.

And that’s the way it is, as someone used to say. Saturday July 30, 2001, Day Two of Life After Pence. The heart is lonely, Hunter.

The grocery store’s the supermart
Little girls still break their hearts
And men still keep on marching off to war
Electrically they keep a baseball score

And the beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da

********************************************************