WP: Escalona (2-1, 2.60)
LP: Veras (2-3, 3.02)

HOUSTON (SnS) – The slumping Houston Astros staged an unlikely comeback after blowing an early lead here Saturday night, and topped the Pittsburgh Pirates, 6-4, before a reported crowd of 35,000 (which is a fucking joke, by the way.) In a game where both starting pitchers, Paul Maholm for the Pirates and Bud Norris for the Astros, struggled from the get-go, it was a testament to the lack of prowess of both team’s offenses that it was a relatively low-scoring affair, anyway.

Happy days are here again
The time is right for making friends
Let’s get together, how about a quarter to ten?
Come tomorrow, let’s all do it again

The Astros staked Norris to a three-run lead early, highlighted by a Jeff Keppinger line-drive home run to left in the bottom of the third. Norris got through the first few innings getting Pirates out but running up his pitch count. Still, he hung onto a 3-0 lead into the fifth, when he gave up a solo HR to Neil Walker. He gave up two more solo shots in the sixth, to Lyle Overbay and Brandon Wood starting off the inning. He never made it to the end of the sixth. A double and a couple more singles later, and the Astros were behind, 4-3.

The Pirates lifted Maholm after the fifth, and went to their normally reliable bullpen. Those guys held the line until the bottom of the eighth, when the Astros exploded – a relative term – for three runs, stitching together some bleeding hits with a Pirate error or two. Now up 6-4 going into the ninth, Astros manager Brad Mills brought in Mark Melancon, who he apparently had forgot about since misusing him three weeks ago in a game against the Marlins. Melancon, who had pitched three innings all this month, is apparently immune to his manager’s inability to manage a pitching staff, and pitched a flawless ninth for the save.

Boys will be boys, better let them have their toys
Girls will be girls, cute pony tails and curls
Must put an end to this stress and strife
I think I want to live the sporting life

None of it matters, of course. I am glad for the win and all, but within a couple of weeks from now, whatever major league talent is left on this club will likely be stripped from it and given traded away, and the Astros will be left with nothing but has-beens and never-wases; which is actually not all that far from where they are now.

Rumor has it that it’s getting late
Time marches on . . . just can’t wait
The clock keeps turning, why hesitate?
You silly fool, you can’t change your fate

Pardon me for my cynicism, and the lack of enthusiasm and/or effort put into this summary. Hopefully soon, McLane will sell the fucking team, already; presumably Mills, et al, will soon after get their walking papers; and after that hopefully some plan will emerge from somewhere about what to do with this franchise before it sinks so low that it cannot reasonably recover, leaving Houston fans looking at something like 18-straight seasons of losing, hapless baseball, like the Pirates are just emerging from. I think we are closer to that scenario than some may realize. Major League baseball is mostly treacherous fucking waters, and you can’t just walk out of the fucking wheelhouse en masse and let the ship go where it might, goddamnit. The reefs and rocks and shallows are everywhere, and I am guessing the Astros Valdez is due to encounter one or more of them before it is all said and done. It’ll be left to those still hanging in with this team to clean up the resultant mess.

Thanks a lot McLane, you motherfucker.

Check back with me if and when the Astros are acting like they give a fuck and are actually trying to build a winning franchise again. That is when I’ll give a fuck and try to write a decent goddamn recap.

Let’s cut a rug, a little jive and jitterbug
We want the best, we won’t settle for less
Don’t be a drag, participate
Clams on the half shell and roller-skates
Roller-skates

__________________________________________________________________________

Tag’s recap

When the Astros win like this, it’s hard not to get excited about the team. The starting pitching was cask-aged Mike Hampton, 1998 vintage, the offense was potent with a broad range of contributors, and even the game management was solid, saving us from another hilariously profane meltdown by Mr. Zipp. Everything was perfect.  Too perfect.

You see, I’m still having trouble figuring this team out.  The whole “just when you count them out, they rebound” thing has become so predictable that it’s starting to feel like an episode of Two and a Half Men (oh, Charlie, you insufferable cad!  When will you learn?) Some days, it feels like all the team needs is another piece to make the puzzle complete, and on others, you pray for flesh eating bacteria to devour the entire bullpen and coaching staff (except Clark, of course).  Inevitably, I get sucked back in to the optimist’s view.  Where’s Jake Peavy’s agent’s number, anyway?

Friday’s game saw Hampton making the Pyroots his bitch (again), throwing seven strong innings that looked like a more wily version of the old bulldog we knew and loved before the Intervening Unpleasantness. Even Fulchino got in on the act, providing two solid innings, saving the marquee (-ish) arms of the bullpen to fight another day.  On the other side, Jeff Karsten’s day started pretty well, until his irrestistable suckiness met the immovable object (Q, who took advantage of a rare start to rope an even more rare triple, plating two runs in the sixth).  After that, all hell broke loose, with eleven batter in the inning, capped by El Kabong’s grand slam off newly arrived reliever Evan Meek (who will inherit only a trip back to AAA instead of the earth).

When the dust settled, the eleven hitters had scored 7 runs, giving Hampton the foundation for his fourth win of the season, bringing his record to an even 4-4.   Fulchino didn’t earn a hold, because that’s a bullshit stat,  which even Bill James will tell you.

The Mud and Blood have two more games ahead against the Bucs, one of which is already underway, because I’m a lazy ass and I blacked out last night after reading OregonStrosFan’s brutal Carradine joke in the Game Zone last night.  Turns out fits of laughter are another, more productive way to pass out by yourself.

Series Preview by Craig

Talk it up in the regularly scheduled Game Zone (already in progress)

Picking on the Pirates is a lot like farting in church: you know you shouldn’t do it, but it’s just too much fun to stop. The Buccos have been awful for so long that the last time they were any good, most of their current roster was watching Ninja Turtles. Thus, pointing out how bad they are is abusing a deceased equine in the worst way. But the fact is, they’re awful, and they’re not getting any better.

A series win over the Co-ards to start the season, and a split with the Reds make the Pirates a strong candidate for that one team each year that gets a special segment on SportsCenter about how they’re surprising everyone in April and “they may be frisky enough to make the playoff picture”. The next step of this process is the team falling apart like a Plymouth Reliant on May 1^st, and the baseball world righting itself. This will mark the final time all season the SportsCenter acknowledges that Pittsburgh has a baseball team, unless Jack Wilson begins dating Alyssa Milano or gets traded to the Yankees. Or both. Bottom line: the Pirates have been in the cellar so long, they’re starting to resemble a Mason jar of pickled beets.

The Mud and Blood have struggled out of the gate against strong opponents (Chicago and St. Louie), and some Vitamin P might be just what the doctor ordered. However, the games still have to be played, and they’d be remiss to sleep on these Pirates, as bad as they might be. Coop has also promised to rotate in some of the reserves during this series, which might be just the shot in the arm that this lineup needs.  Then again, given Cooper’s lineup-making prowess, we could see Quintero leading off.

On the tee-vee:

Monday, April 13, 12:35pm – FSN

Wednesday, April 15, 6:05pm – my20

Thursday, April 16, 11:35am – FSN

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday

Brian Moehler (0-1, 37.80 (seriously)) v. Zach Duke (1-0, 1.42)

Moehler has a chance to rebound from a jinxed outing against the Scrubs that saw him lit up like a pinball machine. Unfortunately, he’s been hit well by the Pirates in past meetings: Nate McLouth is 6-11 against him, and Adam LaRoche has hit .364 with 6 RBI vs. Moehler.

Duke is one of the stronger arms (literally and figuratively) on the Bucs staff, but he’s had very little success against the Astros in the past. He’s 1-4 for his career against us, and has been hit well by the Puma (.300), El Caballo (.318) and Pence (.333), though he’s never given up a homer to a current Astro. I think it’s time to change that.

Tuesday

Everyone goes a little crazy while stuck in Pittsburgh on an off day.

Wednesday

Mike Hampton (0-1, 5.40) v. Ross Ohlendorf (0-1, 3.00)

Hampton’s Hams didn’t have much to oink about after the prodigal son’s return to Houston; three runs over five innings and an early exit were not what we were hoping for out of the former All-Star, but we’re taking an optimistic approach to this start, given that Hampton tends to beat the Bucs like a rented mule when they match up; he’s 10-3 for his career, and owns Jack Wilson (.111, some sobbing in the dugout) and Ramon Vasquez (.143 and rocking back and forth silently, staring at his bat).

Ohlendorf is a Princeton man, and you know what they say about Princeton men. (If you know what they say, please let us know. We only have Harvard and T-sip jokes here.) He’s a converted reliever, and while he had a strong showing in his first start against the Co-ards, there’s reason for hope. Namely, Miggy eats his lunch (.667), Bourn gets on base against him (.429) and of course Berkman, who puts up preposterous numbers against him, including a 1.600 slugging percentage (to go with .600 BA and 2.200 OPS). Time to remind Ohlendorf that the best college in New Jersey…is still in New Jersey.

Thursday

Russ Ortiz (no starts yet this year, 110-82 career) v. Jeff Karstens (0-0, 5-11 career)

Time for our first glimpse of Russ Ortiz during this series. As part of the continuing Let’s Put Together A Team That Looks Awesome on Paper (2001 Edition) plan, the ‘stros brought in Ortiz on a look-see deal before Spring Training, and he impressed sufficiently to be named the fifth starter. Ortiz is 8-1 for his career against the Bucs, with a respectable 3.21 ERA. He’s been hit well by Jack Wilson (.421), Nate McLouth (.667) and Ryan Doumit (.500); however, McLouth and Doumit were (scientifically speaking) fetuses the last time that Ortiz faced them, and the samples sizes are pretty small. Russ is strong against Chris Gomez (.100) and Freddy Sanchez (.200). He hasn’t faced much of the rest of the Pirates roster, owing to his 2008 absence and the fact that those players were all in high-A ball last year.

Red Raider Karstens is a ground ball pitcher who came up in the Yankees organization, and (much like Ortiz) is making his first start of the season this week. He’s coming off a weak spring, but you don’t exactly have to be the second coming of Cy Young to be the fifth starter for Pittsburgh. Hell, last year’s fifth starter was a fan who won a contest on opening day by sitting in the right section of PNC Park at the right time. Owing to his past stint in the Bronx, the only ‘stros to face him are former AL players, including Tejada, Keppinger, and Erstad. Erstad is perfect for his career against him, while the other two haven’t registered a hit yet.

Injuries

Good Guys – Aaron Boone is out for the season (shot through the heart, you’re to blame). Brandon Backe was joined on the 15-day DL by Doug Brocail, who’s been struggling with a sore shoulder. Much like most other 41 year olds, a little rest and some time in front of the tv should mend Brocail just fine. Everyone else is healthy, which takes away that excuse for the poor offensive performance at Shitty Beer Stadium this weekend.

Pirates – Phil Dumatrait (an actual, real baseball player) is pulling a Backe and taking an “extended spring training” on the DL to overcome some injuries. However, his injuries did not come at the loving hands of Galveston’s Finest.

Additional thoughts

– I didn’t get to see much of this weekend’s bloodbath in St. Louis because I was driving all over the Houston metroplex to see my in-laws. I guess the sensation was about the same, but the food here was better.

– One of the attractions of PNC Park in Pittsburgh is the ability to see across the river into downtown. Which is great, because that way you can see all the people headed to wor…HAHAHAHA, just kidding. Northern industrial cities are dying.

– Phil Dumatrait’s MLB headshot looks like he just got arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine. Seriously, that’s the look of the guy who goes to Walgreen’s and asks for ten boxes of Sudafed like it’s not a big deal.

Discuss the games in the Game Zone, and remember: it’s April, don’t feed the trolls. Oh yeah: fuck the Cubs.