Seven Straight Losses On The Road And I’m A-Gonna Make It Home Tonight

Reds (19-33) at Astros (21-29)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX  77002

a/k/a “Waterloo”, “Agincourt”, “The Crimea”, “Thermopylae”

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Tuesday, May 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

First of all, let me take this opportunity to apologize to Whoopass Nation for the tardiness of the posting of this Series Preview.  If nothing else, this should be convincing evidence to the mods here that I should probably never, ever be assigned to write anything that will come due just after a three-day holiday weekend.

Jesus H. Spare Rib, do I have a headache.  Yesterday was of course a day set aside for the celebration and remembrance of all those before us who paid the ultimate price to protect our freedoms and our way of life. It was also the final day of three days of abject dissolution, culminating with my neighborhood’s bi-annual “block party” (the other occurs on Labor Day), where every “grown up” on our street and the two on each side of us listens to loud classic rock music, eats obscene amounts of barbecued meat (slathered with sticky-sweet sauce and burnt, mostly); and pinto beans, potato salad, casseroles of dubious origin, etc.; and drinks enough beer and whatever else to float Derek Bell’s yacht.  Usually, one or more of my neighbors will get a snootful and pass out in his/her lawn chair, or make a sloppy pass at another neighbor’s wife or husband or teenage daughter. Sometimes the police are called in. Usually there are no lasting hard feelings, though, and in general a good time is had by all.

This time I was assigned about 40 lbs. of ribs (which never see BBQ sauce as long as they are under my control, thanks), plus chicken, and Italian sausage and kielbasa (my family is of mixed heritage.)  After 6-8 hours of slaving over the pit, I felt lodgy and mesquite- and pecan-smoked.  Pretty drunk, too.  It was sometime after that, probably around 8:00 p.m. or so, that my wife and I and several other couples were sitting around on lawn chairs in my neighbor Andrew The CPA’s driveway, listening to the Stones turned up loud and slamming down Heinekens, and enjoying lively if slurred and senseless neighborly conversation.  Somewhere in there Andrew’s wife, Dawn, who has said about two words to me in the ten years I’ve known her, decided to jump into the conversation.  After about ten too many ‘West Beaumont’ cosmopolitans (I think they were substituting 80 proof Patrón for the vodka), she decided to start divulging to all of us some of her most private sexual fantasies, in intricate detail. Then, by way of illustration I guess, she suddenly stood up unsteadily and yelled something (we were listening to a CD of  Exile on Main St., and the song “Rocks Off” had just kicked in), and then ripped open her floral print shirt to reveal some good old all-American size 34DD’s (she wasn’t wearing a bra – some of the wives on my block have recently taken up going sans brassiere around the neighborhood, I’ve noticed.)  I was trying to get a better look at what all those guys died fighting for, by squinting out of one eye, when my wife decided it was time to call it a night.

On the walk home, full of meat and beer and with the thought of my neighbor’s old lady’s tits still vivid in my head, it suddenly occurred to me for some reason, “Oh fuck!  I’ve got a Series Preview due in the morning.”

So when I got home, I took a shower and then went straight to bed.
 
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Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday
Matt Belisle (4-4, 4.65) v. Jason Jennings (0-1, 3.00)

After two seasons of working mostly out of the Cincinnati bullpen, Austin product Matt Belisle moved into a full-time starting role this season, with mixed success so far.  He won his first two starts, giving up 1 run in 6 innings in each appearance, but since has gone 2-4 and has been hit hard at times.  He has made one previous start this year vs. the Astros, in MMPUS on May 4.  He was tagged with a loss, but actually pitched quite well (7 IP, 6 H, 7 K, 0 ER).  Belisle was drafted out of Austin McCallum (where he learned pitching – but hopefully not too much vocabulary – under the tutelage of the legendary Jim R. . . . and also learned how to bulldog a 12 oz.-er from some guy named Mark) in 1998 in the 2nd round by the Braves.  The Reds picked him up in 2003 as the PTBNL in a trade that sent Kent Mercker back to Atlanta. . . Jason Jennings is making his return after a 52-day stint on the 15-day DL.  Go figure.  I don’t know how much is or should be expected of Jennings in his first start back, but a lot of the Astros remaining hopes for 2007 will be riding on his ability to regain his previous form and stabilize a rotation currently experiencing liquefaction.  Will Jennings come through?  Watch what happens.

Wednesday
Aaron Harang (5-2, 4.50) v. Wandy Rodriguez (2-4, 4.45)

Aaron Harang is 6’ 7”, 255 lbs., and fucking scary looking.  Aaron You-Rang?  Anyway, the Reds picked the lurching righty up from Oakland in a trade deadline swap in 2003, in exchange of OF Jose Guillen.  The deal was a good one for the Dickities, as Harang has developed into a front-line starter, and won 16 in 2006 while leading the league in strikeouts.  He has made two starts previously against the Astros in 2007, both in MMPUS.  He got a no decision after pitching well (6 IP, 3 H, 1 R) in a game Houston eventually won on April 18, and picked up a win on May 10, though he gave up 5 runs and 9 hits in 6+ innings.  Harang was on the bereavement list earlier this month, to spend time with his ailing grandfather, which I think is outstanding on his part.  And there is no truth to the rumour his grandfather is Al Lewis. . . Wandy Rodriguez has shown fairly consistent improvement from his previous incarnations this season, and by the time he got to Phoenix last week he was probably feeling pretty good about himself.  Then he promptly went out and had his ass handed to him by the Rattlesnakes (9 hits and 5 runs in 5 innings).  He still doesn’t go very deep into games, and will likely have some inconsistency along the way.  But, big picture, he is improving.  It’ll be interesting to see Wandy development over the rest of this season and beyond.  Watch what happens.

Thursday
Bronson Arroyo (2-5, 4.01) v. Woody Williams (1-7, 5.65)

Bronson Arroyo, through May 16 – 2-4, 2.64, 61 IP, 54 H, 43 K, 20 BB.  In his two starts since, against powerhouses Washington and Pittsburgh, Arroya is 0-1, 18.00, 6 IP 13 H, 2 K, 7 BB.  Dude is in a serious slump, a trend we’d like to see continue.  Arroyo is one of those “innings-eater” guys, 450 IP over the two previous seasons, and usually he is pretty effective.  I have a bit of a warm spot for him, mostly because the white-boy dreadlocks he sported a few seasons back (he is from Key West) for some reason reminded me of hanging out in the Liberty Lunch, back in the pre-Disneyfication days on E. 6th St. in Our State’s Capitol.  Good times . . The Astros team record for losses by a pitcher in a season is 20, held by ol’ Turk Farrell and set in 1962, the team’s inaugural season.  Farrell’s record is probably safe – these days a manager will sit a guy at the end of the season if he approaches that dubious milestone.  It used to be said of 20-game losers, “You have to be a good pitcher to get the chance to lose 20 games.”  It was the sort of thing Joe Garagiola would say on Game of the Week telecasts, in between talking about “Mr. Rickey.”  Well, while there certainly have been some good or even great pitchers who got hung one time or another in their career with 20 L’s – I’m not going to look it up, but in my memory Steve Carlton comes immediately to mind – I’ll bet the majority of the guys who lost 20 over the years weren’t very good at all.  A lot of the time, for “good” substitute “warm body.”  Many teams kept running the same guy out there even with such negative results because they simply didn’t have any better options at the time.  That’s where Woody Williams comes into this conversation.  I don’t really think he’ll lose twenty this season, but he could.  He is certainly on a pace to.  The Astros will continue to hope he can turn things around, and run him out there.  And he could turn things around – he has been solid starter in the recent past.  But there is also the fact that at this point, Houston doesn’t have any better options.  There is no one in the pen who could jump immediately into the starter role (save for Brian Moehler, maybe, and I don’t think he’d be much of an improvement), Albers in AAA has shown he needs seasoning, and no one else in Round Rock or Corpus Christi could reasonably step in and be an upgrade on Houston Native Woody.  Of course, if at some point the organization decides all is lost for 2007, youngsters may be brought up and thrown into the fray, at the expense of struggling veterans like Williams.  Watch what happens.

By the way, in order to create more interest in the “Probable Matchups” section, in addition to offering biting, informative, up-to-date commentary regarding who will be pitching for whom in this series, this week the section also doubles as a sort of Word Search®.  A catch-phrase from a certain gay-oriented (NTTAWWT) cable network has been inserted (get it? NTTAWWT) into the text here and there.  First person to find and count up how many times it was used wins a bottle of Citron® vodka, along with enough Contreau® and fruity (get it?  NTTAWWT) juices to make several do-it-yourself cosmopolitans.  Mike Piazza, Robbie Alomar, and Brad Ausmus’ former roommate not eligible.

Notable giveaways

On Wednesday the 28th, some neurotic Methodists (I think it said) will be giving the first 10, 000 fans a spiffy Astros leather portfolio.  Actually, from the promotional photo, it doesn’t look all that spiffy.  Still, you probably shouldn’t pass on the opportunity to be the first person in your boardroom to have one.

Injury Report

Cincinnati – Lefty starter Eric Milton (strained elbow).  Lefty reliever Steady Eddie Guardardo, long on the DL, is making rehab appearances in Billings, Montana or somewhere similarly bucolic.  2007 feel-good story Josh “The Illustrated Man” Hamilton has a stomach ache (actually gastroenteritis – I did not know what it was, but after reading some pretty gruesome descriptions of symptoms at WebMD, it doesn’t sound like much fun.)   Pissant candidate Ryan Freel, the Dickities CF and leadoff hitter, has not been put on the DL yet, but suffered a nasty head-on collision with his RF yesterday, someone named Noddy Holder, I believe.  He had to be removed from the premises by ambulance (a $1000.00+ charge to his insurance carrier, at the minimum), and is officially day-to-day at this point.  Here’s to Freel’s full recovery, beginning with sitting out the series in Houston in order to recuperate. 

Houston – Hector Gimenez (labrum) and Brandon Backe (Tommy John surgery) are still on the 15-day DL, and have been since pre-season.

Our ‘Interesting Things To Look For This Series’

• The Swingin’ Dickities.  On paper, one would think Cincinnati would be in better shape than they currently are (6th in the Central).  They seem to have made some shrewd small-market moves in the recent past (Josh Hamilton, Brandon Phillips, Alex Gonzalez, Ryan Freel), seem to have a savvy GM and a decent manager, and have looked strong at times in the previous season and a half.  Instead, they’ve tanked so far in 2007.  I am not sure exactly why.  Perhaps it is some sort of curse.  The Curse of Pete Rose?  For gambling on baseball, and being an all-around dick?  The Curse of Davey Johnson?  They haven’t won anything since he left.  The Curse of Junior?  They haven’t even been very respectable since they brought him in.  The Curse of Marge Schott?  I’m thinking if a team can be cursed for 50 years just for not allowing a goat to attend a home game, one can be cursed for at least that long for having a former SS officer in drag own the team for several years.  Especially one who owned a large, sloppy dog that specialized crapping all over the playing field.  Anyway, the Reds broke their latest six-game losing streak yesterday, and overall they make the Astros look decent in comparison, which is saying something.  As it is, they are the best insurance this season Houston will not finish dead last in the division.  Well, them, and the Co-ards.  Heh.
• Junior.  He’s having a revival of sorts this season.  Dude is hitting and healthy and closing in on 600 career home runs.  Of course, as soon as Griffey starts going good, the next thing to be expected is some sort of odd injury that lays him up for the rest of the season.  I don’t wish it for him.  Even if I was so inclined, there’d be no need.  The fates have already taken care of this one.
• Pence!  Now nearly 30 games into his MLB career, and he continues to hit (10 hits in his last 5 starts).  It is still way, way too early to tell about him, but his play is one of the few fun things to watch right now.  Personally, watching Pence play this season is the exact antithesis of watching Biggio’s dreary march to 3,000.

This series (and homestand) is probably it – if the Astros want to salvage any hope for doing something semi-tremendous this season, it had better be now.  They’ll have to do it without much help from Morgan Ensberg, apparently, or Woody Williams, and Berkman is edging in that direction.  Coming off one of the ugliest road trips in recent memory, one might be excused for thinking the Astros have no chance in 2007, and perhaps for several seasons beyond.  I’m not there yet, but. . . If the team is going to cave, I’d prefer they do it early, while they might still jettison some of the dead wood for value (and might be inclined to.)  One aspect of the recent weakness of the NL Central division is that the Astros stay in contention far longer than they probably would normally, thus possibly precluding some moves that would be viewed as building for the future.  But fuck, if the current trend continures, how long will it take for Purp or someone to conclude the future ain’t so bright, if they haven’t already?  If the Astros are 10+ under .500 in a month or a month-and-a-half, I’m thinking of a fire sale.  Or a bonfire.  Whichever.

“Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.” – some motivational speaker dude

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Reds sweep the series, 3-0.  Let me stand next to your fire. 

You may discuss today’s game in real time in the GameZone. 

Outside the MMPUS cocoon