Astros 6
Rukkakes 4

W: Byrdak (1-1) | L: Marquis (7-4) | S: Sampson (3)
HR: Pence (6), Stewart (8)

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The Good Guys rallied late last night pulling out a solid 6-4 victory, their fifth in the last six after that fugly six game losing jag. Houston jumped on top in the first, plating three on a series of five singles and a ground out.

The game cruised smoothly along after that until the fifth, when Moehler got himself in a bit of trouble. After singles by Hawpe and Smith, Ian Stewart stepped in with one out and absolutely crushed a meatball into the right field upper tank, knotting the game at 3-3.

In the bottom half of the frame, Gunther lead off with a shot off the wall in left center that was thisclose to getting out. He settled instead for an easy stand-up triple, and the lead looked assured with Flapjack stepping in for his customary automatic sac fly. Instead, he grounded it back up the middle, and Marquis knocked it down with his pitching hand (perhaps not a great idea), held the runner, and got the out. Twinkie was pitched around and intentionally walked after he didn’t bite, and Pudge obliged the Rockies with the courtesy GIDP they were looking for. Cue sad trombone.

In the sixth, Fowler lead off with a double, and Barmes reached on a bunt single towards the third base side that no one bothered to field, as Moehler instead shuffled around the infield like a senile geriatric at Luby’s. Key lime pie or banana custard? TOO MANY OPTIONS! Helton’s facemuff powered a sac fly to left that El Kabong should have flipped back into the infield, but he tried instead to throw it to gleach, allowing Barmes to take second while Fowler jogged home. The ‘Stros put Hawpe on intentionally, but everyone moved up on a wild pitch, as a third wheel came off, and sparks streamed from the rims. Then just like that, everything came back together. Atkins grounded to third, and Blum went home with it, with Pudge tagging Barmes out as he tried to scramble back to third. Smith flew out to left, and the side was retired, amazingly with only a one-run lead to show for all that calamity.

Byrdak set Colorado down in order in the seventh, and Thunderpants tied it back up with a blast over the tracks leading off the bottom half. The Caballo and Fat Elvis followed with singles, and Pudge battled through an AB that ended with a liner right to 3B. Blum came up one down, runners first and second, and grounded into what looked to be a double play. However Peralta is not a 1B, and he was all flailing limbs and fail when trying to dig the return throw, which got past him and caromed off of Blum, getting too far away for anyone to throw out Flapjack’s fat ass at home. The Good Guys took a 5-4 lead, doing it with style and grace.

Sampson got through the eighth with a double and IBB, and Bourn got something going in the ‘Stros half with a one-out single up the middle. After swiping second on a Tejada ponche, he took third on a passed ball. Pence plated Bourn with a two-out single, his fourth hit and third RBI on the night. I’m not sure which of the 2,000 people attending were in the Hunter’s Lodge, but I’m sure they were just tickled about the whole thing. Sampson took the insurance run into the ninth, and closed it out with a little traffic but no scoring. This apparently marked the first two-inning save in something like four years, which seems like a typo. Nice job, regardless. The Good Guys go for the four-game sweep tonight, with Home Wandy taking the hill v. Jason Hammel. Go get ’em.

Astros 6
Dojers 5

W: Sampson (1-0) | L: Belisario (0-1) | S: Hawkins (1)
HR: Where to begin?…

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Organic, fair trade, suitable for top-dressing lawns

On a night where the lead went back and forth on some mammoth clouts from both sides, it was a really shitty pitchout and a grounder up the middle that put the Good Guys over the top in this one. [/clichedrecapintro] The ‘Stros overcame adversity throughout, battling hard on a night when they were hampered by having to play in caps made of hemp, recycled plastic bags, mulch and ground-up hippie innards (for coloring). It’s not easy to maintain focus when your sweat causes your lid to start composting in the third inning, but the team hung in there admirably.

In his return to MMPUS, Randy “Wolf” Wolf cruised through his first three innings of work, limiting Houston to a single with three Ks, and it looked like we were going to be settling in for another night of limited offense. That started to change in the bottom of the fourth, when Flapjack reached on a single, and Thunderpants followed with a huge shot over the hill in center for a 2-0 lead. Jason Michaels added a double before the inning fizzled out.

Whoever had “top of the sixth” in the Oswalt Inning pool, step up and claim your prize. After mowing LA down for five innings, Roy didn’t so much run of gas in the sixth – it’s more that he ran out of control. Alternating between painting the black and having no fucking idea where the ball was going, Sparky spent most of the inning flailing off the left side of the mound and generally displaying complete frustration with his pitches. The result was roughly what you’d expect: two ponches, a walk, and three taters of varying distances and degrees of impressiveness.

Manny lead off the procession of swats with a blast that still hasn’t landed, and was last seen heading northwest out of downtown, preparing to merge onto I-10 and head west for a day trip to San Antonio. Ethier followed with a tiny poke into the boxes, which initially looked like it may have been helped over by a fan spectator. Upon further review (by JD and Brownie, not the umpires), it turned out that not one, but two guys with extremely poor depth perception had leaned out over the field of play to haul in a souvenir at the expense of the Good Guys, with the ball splitting the dumbass uprights, landing behind both of them. After a walk to Martin, Blake capped off the inning with a blast that looked to be heading foul, but went so fucking far over the top of the sammich pole in left that only Google Earth and intel satellite analysts know for sure. It would probably be following Manny’s ball to the Riverwalk, but leaving an impact crater in the side of Union Station slowed it down considerably.

Down 4-2, the ‘Stros got back to work in the bottom half of the inning, with Twinkie working a leadoff walk and El Kabong following up with a flare single that should have been set to calliope music or Yackety Sax. Following a strikeout by Beaker, Michaels tied the game up with a double to the base of the wall in deep left center, but was erased trying to stretch it to a triple (leading the road broadcast to wonder if the second run scored before he was tagged out. It was the second out. FML). Watching Michaels play, you can’t help but feel that inside the body of the marginally effective journeyman role player, there is a Mike Lamb-grade journeyman slugger that just wants to get out. Let your inner slugger out, Jason (NTTAWWT). Let him mash and be free.

Look at him go, Coop! (Image: Ty in Tampa)

The Dojers took the lead again in the eighth, as Ethier opened Sampson’s second inning of relief work with a single, and scored on a Loney double to left. Sampson kept it at 5-4 by retiring the next three. The deficit was brief, as Fat Elvis blasted a one-out smokey over the train tracks off of Belisario to knot it back up at 5-5. With two outs, Gunther  bounced one over the wall in left for a double, bringing up Blum to hit for Sampson. In trying to intentionally walk him, Belisario fired one wide right, which caromed off Martin, allowing Pence to move to third. Pudge slapped the first pitch he saw straight back through the box (SFW) for the lead, and eventual game-winner. Much rejoicing was had. For his part, Coop didn’t think the wild pitch was an issue. “Hunter is a very aggressive base runner and I think undoubtedly he would have scored there.” Undoubtedly. Yes. Very aggressive.

Hawkins set ’em down in order to nail down the win in the ninth, earning his first save while filling in for El Ponche Loco, who is day-to-day with a pair of oversized brass cajones. Best wishes on a speedy recovery. The Good Guys look to piss on the Dojers again tonight, with an interesting matchup of Home Wandy v. the torrid Chad Billingsley. For their part, LA looks to break up the ‘Stros momentum by distracting them with… whatever the hell this is:

The Aristocrats!

BONUS: For the reading-disinclined, you can make this even harder to understand by letting this handsome fellow do the heavy lifting for you (hat tip: Ebby Calvin)…

Astros 5
Baby Bears 3

W: CHACON! (1-0) | L: Gallagher  (1-1) | S: Valverde (14)

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The victorious pitcher, shown at actual size

Shawn Chacon broke his MLB record streak of nine consecutive no-decisions to open a season Wednesday night, going 7 strong to send the Scrubs packing with the series loss. Good fucking riddance to them and their legions of shirtfans that infest the ballpark with their asshattery every time the WGN circus rolls through town. You can all go back into whatever hole you crawled out of, and resume your quiet self-loathing while you sob and rub gravy on your pasty, hirsute fat rolls. It’s not your imagination, everyone really does hate you.

The game started badly for our protagonist, as Chacon gave up three in the first inning, sprinkling a walk, a homer and a pair of doubles in with the first two outs. The imminent craptastrophe was averted, however, when a very curious thing happened – he suddenly settled in and pitched six and a third of scoreless, 2-hit ball. Go fucking figure.

For a change, Chacon didn’t need to wait long for the cavalry, as the Good Guys hung a big crooked number on Gallagher in the third. Bourn got it rolling with a single to right, then took what is rightfully his stole second, before Kaz pushed him to third with another single. The Bus drove the first run home with yet another single, leaving him and Kaz on the corners with one down after a Twinkie strikeout. Then El Kabong delivered the heavy damage, crushing a Gallagher watermelon into the boxes with his 34 oz sledgomatic, as the tarped, poncho’d masses rejoiced greatly in the amusment. 4-3 Astros.

In the fifth, Maybelline took a base the hard way, catching a Gallagher offering in the ribs. Shaking off any ill effects, he got a jump on Gallagher so big that he was more or less on second by the time the ball reached the catcher, his ninth steal in ten tries. Blum knocked him in with a single to right, ending Gallagher’s night, and putting a bow on the scoring for the game.

The home nine flashed a bit of the leather in the late innings, and the Brocail / Joe Ponché tandem nailed it down tight for Chacon in the final two frames. The win brings the club to 6 over .500, a game and a half off the division lead, with the Phils heading in for a 4 game set. Go get ’em.

Astros 9
Padres 6

W: Valverde (1-0) | L: Hoffman (0-1)

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GZ

(Editor’s note: It’s a west coast game! Again! I have coffee and a goal of 1,000 words! A lot of coffee! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!!)

It took exactly 3 games before we all got to see exactly what we’ve been expecting out of this season. Namely, uneven pitching, a scary lineup, and a close, high-scoring game. Let’s go straight to the tape…

With arch-nemesis and aging matriarch Greg Maddux on the hill, Thunderpants rapped one 400 feet to the bottom of the wall in left center to get things going with a one-out double in the 1st. Twinkie followed with a sharp comebacker to the mound that Maddux fielded cleanly, catching Spaz hung up between 2nd and 3rd. The ensuing rundown was kinda messy, giving Berkman the chance to take 2nd with two down. This proved damaging for the Friars, as Flapjack followed with a grounder to Kouz that he skipped across the infield like I used to skim frisbees down my driveway. Maybelline scored easily, giving the Good Guys their first lead of the young season at 1-0.

Coop gave Blum the nod at 2B tonight, and he responded by cranking a 1-1 hanger over the wall in right to open the 2nd inning. (The way I see it, the Astros are a owed a few more of those before we can call everything square.) Private Pyle joined in and absolutely destroyed Maddux’s 3-2 offering, bouncing it off the third deck on the side of the building in left. Suddenly, the cup runneth over.

Wandy kept the Pads quiet in the 1st, but the fireworks from the top half of the 2nd carried over into the bottom of the frame, as Hairston launched another one out of Petco Canaveral to get a run back. After a Greene ponche, the Sandy Vagina walked ahead of a Huber single, putting runners on the corners. The Sniveling Uptight Woman was not up to the task of bunting Huber over, and K’ed horribly on a nice curve, but Giles plated Barrett on a single up the middle to bring it to 3-2 before Wandy coaxed a flyout to end it.

In the middle of the 3rd, we learned that Bork’s favorite high school memories are extra-curricular activities, but only somewhat more so than attending class. He is hiding something.

The Pads picked up right where they left off in the bottom of the 3rd, opening with a Kouzmanoff single in front of Gonzalez, who hit one eleventy billion feet into right center for a 4-3 lead. This marked the official and inauspicious return of the Wandy Rodriguez Road ERA, a signature of 2007. Let’s just whistle past the graveyard and assume it’s only a temporary aberration. There was more traffic in the inning, but the threat was extinguished on a nice playing by Tejada breaking in on a slow grounder, with a great snowcone pick on the other end by Berkman.

Things settled down a bit after that, and with the exception of the Friars diving all over the field and robbing hits, it was all quiet until Flapjack broke the silence with a thunderous bellyflop for what turned out to be a Gonzalez double. Wandy pitched around it though, so no harm, no foul. Except, of course, to the field, which now features a crater that can be seen from space.

After enduring an impact that would liquify a lesser man’s internal organs, The Caballo showed that there were no lingering effects by teeing off on Maddux to open the 6th with a solo smokey to deep center, knotting it up at 4 all. With 2 down, Wigginton looked to pad the slugging percentage, sending another one way out into left center, but Huber made a nice running catch at the wall to rob Ty of extra bases and end the inning.

Bork came in for Wandy in the bottom of the 6th, and was in trouble right from the start, as Barrett and McAnulty (batting for Huber) opened with a pair of singles to left. Clark pinch hit for Maddux and grounded into a 6-3 double play that pushed Barrett over to 3rd, before getting plated by a sharp Giles single past Ty for a 5-4 lead. Iguchi got Giles to 3rd on another single before the inning ended on a little bucket catch by Twinkie on a Kouzmanoff flare.

The ‘Stros couldn’t get much going against Thatcher in the top of the 7th, but Geary answered with a perfect bottom half. (Speaking of perfect bottom halves, I like the direction the conversation has been heading in the TZ late today.)

Fat Elvis lead off the 8th with a very nice AB, coming back from 0-2 to lace a double into right center. JD noted that he’s already surpassed his extra-base total from April of 2007, so that’s nice. Lee grounded out hard to Greene, but Berkman grabbed a handful of seeds and got himself ready to take matters in to his own feet. With Tejada at the dish, Puma bolted for 3rd like a fluffy comet sporting a majestic tail of foodstuffs and snack debris, catching Sandy off-guard and fumbling for the ball. Miguel obliged with a sac fly, knotting it back at 5.

In the bottom of the frame, Coop went to his new closer in a double switch that put Perez in at second. Barrett and Gerut singled around a McAnulty out, putting runners on the corners with 1 down. Giles plated the go ahead run again, this time pushing Barrett across on a sac fly to center. Gerut swiped second while Towles got the ball hung up in his mitt, but Iguchi grounded to short to end the frame with the Pads up 6-5.

Hoffman came on to wrap this one up, and it looked for all the world to be an easy save, getting Wigginton and Towles quickly. Cheito came in as the last hope, pinch hitting for Perez, and battled Hoffman to a huge walk for the second straight night. Next up was Bourn, who ended his 0-fer game with a sharp single through right side in front of Cruz, Jr., who stopped at 2nd. With momentum building, Gunther stepped in and ripped a shot the other way that just skimmed off the glove of Gonzalez into right field, bringing Cheito home and tying the game at 6. Calamity ensues, but we’re not done yet.

With the Hoffman’s wheels coming loose, Lance removed the last lug nuts and sent the Padres crashing into a ditch, unloading an absolutely mammoth bomb to straightaway center to give the Good Guys a 9-6 lead they would not let go of. In one swing, El Vendo turned what could have been a full night of extra inning typing and an inevitable morning of bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived incompetence into the warm, intoxicating nightcap of regulation victory. As Valverde nailed down his own win, the Astros moved back to a game under .500 for the first time since April 1st, and your intrepid recapper moved a step closer to the sweet embrace of unconsciousness.

G’night MFers. Thanks, Lance. Sleep tight.