But, hey, great tickets are still available.

Even the die-hard in me, the one who sat through the entire 7-5 loss to MLB’s most tatted-up team, the Arizona Douchebags Diamondbacks, has called it quits on the 2009 season. At 61-63, the Astros have a chance to finish with a winning record. Okay, mathematically, they have a chance to win the division or the wild card, or Miss Universe or whatever, but realistically, they have a chance to finish the season over .500.

Someone in the front office apparently noticed this little bit of news, as Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, was dealt to the Texas Rangers a week ago. The move was for a guy who’s playing second in AAA and a 22-year old pitcher currently in low Class-A Hickory. Not the Hoosiers Hickory. Because if the Astros had dealt for Jimmy Chitwood, that would be awesome. Even if it was Norman Dale, that’s a deal you can set your watch by. Or something. It’s a move that looks for all the world to be a white flag, although surrendering would imply that the Astros had been in a fight for the last few weeks. How else do you categorize dealing your starting catcher? Other than under ‘I’ for “It’s over Johnny.”

Since winning the opener of a series against the Mets, the Astros had gone 7-15 and dropped 9 games in the standings prior to the latest home stand. That’s more of a slaughter than a fight. Almost overnight, injuries and curious moves turned one of the hottest teams in baseball at the middle of July to a icy shell of a franchise in mid-August. Mathematically, there’s still a chance, although even the most optimistic, brick-colored glasses wearing die hard would be hard pressed to tell you how it could happen.

Normally, at this point, in this type of season, you’d want to look to the future, talk prospects. You would be “waiting til next year”, but there would be something to talk about. That may be the most frustrating part of this season and 2010. The immediate future for this team is already in Houston. Bud Norris, Yorman Bazardo, Sammy Gervacio have all made their Houston and/or Major League debuts in the last couple of weeks. Felipe Paulino is up as well. Unfortunately (or fortunately based on your view of their performances to date), that may be it. Next year, you might see Brian Bogusevic, Chris Johnson or Tommy Manzella up, or not, as they haven’t really distinguished themselves in AAA. Maybe Edwin Maysonet gets some much deserved playing time. But that’s it. As you know if you’ve taken a Bus Ride, the talent in this organization is, with very few exceptions, below AA this year. This is the hole that Tim Purpura’s drafts left the organization.

As has been covered, barring any moves in the off-season, the Astros will open with definite, undeniable holes at short, third, catcher, three of the rotation spots and just about half the bullpen. Pray for some moves, because there is nothing in the organization that could be moved up to address the majority of these positions.

Even if all of the prior rambling was fact instead of FACT!, this team isn’t a lot of fun to watch. For that, I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of one Cecil Cooper. The Astros’ manager, who appears to be auditioning for a job on the deck of the Titanic every time he pulls a pitcher, is at his personal end of days. Like Sherman’s march to the Sea, Cooper appears to be intent on setting fire to as many pitchers as he can get his hands on. Is there ever a reason to use 6 pitchers in a 4-2 victory? No. Stop thinking about it. Just like Cecil.

There have been a couple of telling quotes in recent weeks from Mr. Cooper. The first, in reference to his regular visits with Commissioner Bud Selig, most recently in mid-August went something like, “He likes to sit and talk baseball,” Cooper said. “If you go in his office, he could get pretty riled up about umpires and stuff like that. He’s just a guy that loved the game and loved to win. He’d get pretty upset if you didn’t win. He’s a good baseball person.”

He’d get pretty upset if you didn’t win. He’s a good baseball person. You gotta wonder if his little mood swings are actually based on the games, or have they become something he thinks he’s supposed to do.

The second little quote, which Cooper has reiterated a number of times in the last couple of weeks, “We need something to shake us pretty quickly,” Astros manager Cecil Cooper said. “Time is beginning to run out on us. We need to get a streak going.”

The Astros are the only team in baseball that hasn’t had a winning streak of at least five games this year. (When I say baseball, I’m only talking about the National League, because fuck them.) The Pirates have done it, the Reds have done it. Hell, the Nationals have done it.

The quote in and of itself is harmless, innocuous even. But Cooper says “streak” like it’s something that just happens without effort or thought, like Lindsay Lohan showing cooter, and that the Astros are owed one. You want a streak Cecil? How about this: learn how to manage a bullpen. Stop warming up and using (or not) 5, 6, 7 pitchers a game. Stop burning out your effective relievers. Stop jerking around your starting pitchers. Stop shuffling your batting order. Stop playing your older players (especially your shortstop and catcher) every single day because you’re afraid to sit them down every now and then. Streaks happen because teams play consistently good baseball for extended periods of time. It is impossible to play consistently good baseball for an extended period of time when you’re experimenting on players like you’re John Harvey Kellogg. When your hitters don’t know what the expectations are, when you have more lineups than Paris Hilton has sexually transmitted diseases, when starters know you don’t have their back, when your bullpen is extra crispy at the end of July, there will be no streaks. You get nothing. Good Day sir!

Did You Know?

A disappointing season isn’t new territory for Astros fans (or any fans of any baseball team, for that matter). There have been plenty of seasons that the team tanked, or started bad, or was never really in contention, or needed a miracle to win 80 games. The faulty memory of Houston sports fans will tell you that the Astros always underachieve, always produce dogs of teams. The reality is a little bit different.

To date, the Astros have completed 47 seasons of play, about to be 48. Overall, they’re 3799-3810, which is pretty impressive if you consider that the Houston franchise didn’t have a winning season until 1972, or eleven seasons in. Houston won at a .429 clip in the 60’s, and .493 in the 70’s. 12 of the franchise’s 19 losing seasons occurred before 1980.

Since 1980, Houston has had 21 winning seasons. The Astros won at a .522 rate in the 80’s, .523 in the 90’s and so far .518 in the oughts.

Overall the franchise has had 24 winning seasons, 19 losing seasons and 4 .500 finishes.

On a Personal Note

Thanks to everyone who was able to show up to my little birthday shindig. I very much appreciate it. And thanks for the gift. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with the picture, but the desk set was very nice.

Also, sorry this thing is a rambling mess. I have no real excuses other than the Astros make me crazy. Add to it that the upcoming months have me looking forward to A&M and Texans football, and, well…I’ll be spending a lot of time with my kids this fall.

Instead, you have one horrid team, 2 pretty good teams (and based on the level of competition, who knows how good they actually are), and 27 other teams all kind of lumped together playing mediocre, inconsistent baseball. Since mediocre and inconsistent should be in the logo for this year’s Astros team (now taking the field, Your Inconsistent Houston Mediocre Astros), they fit right in. And while realistically, most of the 27 are going to fall by the wayside over the next couple of months, the wild-card format allows for the opportunity for a 2007 Rockies (or 2005 Astros) type team to catch fire and ride it all the way to the World Series. So, right now, if you’re not the Nationals (or Diamondbacks, Royals or Indians) you probably consider yourself a “buyer”. Which is why it’s the perfect time for the Astros to become “sellers”.

The Astros have several free agents to consider after this season, none of whom are likely to back. Just operating off of memory here…Miguel Tejada, Jose Valverde, LaTroy Hawkins, Tim Byrdak, Pudge Rodriguez, Brandon Backe, Russ Ortiz and Mike Hampton are all free agents to be. Maybe Jason Michaels, Geoff Blum, and Darrin Erstad, too. They also have options on Doug Brocail (club) and Brian Moehler (mutual) to consider. On the current 25-man roster, you figure that Lance Berkman, Roy Oswalt, Carlos Lee, Hunter Pence, Wandy Rodriguez, Chris Sampson, Wesley Wright and Michael Bourn will almost certainly be back next year. Kaz Matsui too, but only because he is almost completely un-tradeable (and unlove-ed). By my count, that’s sixteen open positions on the 2010 team. Six. Teen. From this year’s roster, the Astros will still have Alberto Arias, Jeff Fulchino, Felipe Paulino, Humberto Quintero, Edwin Maysonet and Jeff Keppinger though some form of club control/arb-eligible blah blah blah stuff that smarter people than me can explain to you.

If the Astros had to open the 2010 season today, not only would their calendars be completely worthless, but it’s hard to say they could field a team. The infield would have Berkman at first, some combination of Matsui and Maysonet at second and big nasty question marks at third, short and catcher. The starting outfield, one of the most productive in baseball this year, comes back intact with Lee, Bourn and Pence, but right now there isn’t a fourth outfielder, not to mention a fifth outfielder, but the Astros aren’t carrying one of those right now anyway. The bench likely includes Keppinger, Quintero and whichever of Matsunet isn’t playing. The pitching looks to get a lot thinner (if you can imagine that) with Oswalt and Wandy at the top and three days of praying for rain. Right now, only Paulino has any major league experience as a starter, so I guess add him there. The bullpen would “feature” Wright, Sampson, Fulchino and Arias, but there’s no closer and no established set up man.

The organization doesn’t have a major league ready catcher (sorry Mr. Towles) and will need to answer internal questions at short (Tommy Manzella, maybe), third (ditto on Chris Johnson), in the outfield (Brian Bogusevic or Yordanny Ramirez) and on the mound. Is anyone out of a group that includes Bud Norris, Yorman Bazardo, and Polin Trinidad ready to be a major league starter? Is there a closer in the wind somewhere?

While the front office of your local nine is currently saying the right things about building this team, you have to wonder if they mean it when they’re 4 games out of a playoff spot. Are they content to get a slew of supplemental picks for letting guys leave at the end of the season? Are they really willing to part with a Miguel Tejada or Jose Valverde for the right deal? It’s pie in the sky, but if you could pry away a Clay Buchholz (or rather THE actual Clay Buchholz) from a contender who might need some offense as well as someone who could stand in the shortstop position play shortstop, how much would that hasten the rebuilding? If you could get Brandon Wood from the Angels for one of the top closers in baseball for their stretch run, would that help? If it makes it go smoother, the Astros could probably still part with Tejada and Valverde and stay just as much in contention as they are right now. Tell Drayton that, Mr. Wade.

This is the last gasp for the post-Bagwell/Biggio Astros (the Berkman/Oswalt Astros doesn’t sound as good), and while they could still make a run (and they probably will) the organization has to take the opportunity to look forward and be bold. Go on, forget about raging against the dying of the light and be “sellers”.

Everything Old Is New Again

History recycles. It’s green as hell in that patterns repeat, if you want to see them. I’ve struggled to come to terms with why this year’s Astros team isn’t all that interesting to me. I mean I watch the games, I read the articles and quotes, I even, from time to time actually discuss baseball (kinda) on various (one) media outlets. It hit me (conveniently in time to do another column) that I’ve seen this team before. Only then they were called the 1990 Houston Astros.

The 1990 team was, as most in the history of the Houston franchise to that point, a dog of a team, but they didn’t know it going to the season. The opening day roster featured Houston favorites, including Gerald Young, Craig Biggio, Billy Doran, Glenn Davis, and Ken Caminiti. Mike Scott was joined in the rotation by Jim Deshaies, Danny Darwin and Mark Portugal. The bullpen was led by closer Dave Smith, Larry Andersen, Juan Agosto and Charlie Kerfeld.

They had reason to believe that 1990 might be a pretty good season, by Houston standards anyway. Led by second year manager, Art Howe, the Astros were coming off a rebound 86-76 1989 campaign. Scott and Deshaies had combined for 35 wins. Davis and Doran were the stars and the motor for the team, offensively. Biggio, Caminiti, Portugal and Eric Yelding were exciting young players to watch. Plus the much anticipated Eric Anthony was going to take over in right field. It looked like Houston had a good mix of youth and experience and were poised to make a move.

They proceeded to completely fall apart. By Memorial Day, 1990, Houston was 14 games behind Cincinnati. It proceeded to get worse from there. Scott battled injuries. Deshaies had a bad season. Bill Gullickson got 32 starts. Davis played in only 93 games and was replaced by Franklin Stubbs at first. Gerald Young, Dave Smith, Alex Trevino, Charley Kerfeld, Juan Agosto, and Jim Clancy (thank god) were let go. Caminiti and Yelding regressed. Eric Anthony was Eric Anthony. Glenn Wilson retired to his gas station in Humble (or wherever). Doran was traded to the Reds for Terry McGriff, amongst others. And Larry Andersen was traded to the Boston Red Sox for some skinny AA third baseman who was buried in their organization. Houston finished the 1990 season in 4th place in the National League West, at 75-87, 16 games back.

All told, sixteen players who opened the 1990 season with the Astros were elsewhere by April 8th, 1991. It was as complete a flush of a sports organization as has ever been seen in Houston, and predictably, the Astros finished even worse in 1991 at 65-97. However, Jeff Bagwell, Steve Finley, Pete Harnisch, Kenny Lofton, Curt Schilling, Scott Servais and Tony Eusebio all made their Houston debuts. Luis Gonzalez, Andujar Cedeno, and Darryl Kile and Caminiti played their first really meaningful stretches with the Astros.

The moves in 1990 and 1991 were the foundation for an 15-year stretch that saw your Houston Astros go 1272-1093 (.538) with 6 playoff appearances and a National League Pennant. From 1994 to 2006, the Astros either first or second in their division 12 of those 13 seasons. It’s the greatest stretch in Astros history, by any measure. It changed the perception of the Houston franchise throughout baseball.

It feels like there’s a similar opportunity, just 19 years later.

Talk Zone favorite Alyssa Milano has written a book, Safe At Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic. In the interest of full disclosure, I haven’t read it.  I haven’t read reviews of it.  I have a general idea that it’s some sort of quasi-biography set against her life as a baseball fan.  And while I do spend nights thinking about her and balls, in a way, I’m probably never going to purchase this.  I did pick it up because I saw this:

I don’t know what a Transformer is, but I will gladly give $12.50 to a movie theatre-type establishment if this woman is sweating her way through several scenes.

The bad news…The Astros played the Pyrites two of those three series and the hapless Rockies the other. Despite the recent good stretch, they’re still dead last in the National League Central. They still have the 7th worst record in Major League Baseball and they’re are still looking up at the business end of 9 other teams for a playoff spot.

It’s all a matter of what you want to see, I suppose. While it’s cool to go 7-3 over the last 10 games, and be the “hottest” team in the division over that span, it’s akin to being the hottest granny in the nursing home. (Please forgive anything you might have just read that lead your mind towards granny-porn. Limey.) In the grand scheme of things, the questions remain: Are the last 3 series representative of a team that is starting to turn things around?  Or is this a team that just got one over on two of the only teams playing worse than they are?  It’s easy to assume that’s the case, but this is the same team that struggled to split two games with Washington a few weeks ago. More to the point, after 55 games, does anyone know what the Astros are capable of this season? Are the last 117 going to be any different?

Through the first two months, the 2009 season has been an amalgamation of questionable decision making, cancer, piss-poor defense, a face-plant, injuries, and woeful inconsistency at the plate. It hasn’t been pretty, but maybe it looks worse because of the various side-shows that have made it alternatingly fascinating and unbearable, sort of like Rock of Love I, II and Bus. Take away the on-going Cecil Cooper drama, Sean Berry’s cancer, this site’s fascination with Alyson Footer’s career choices and what are we left with? A team with a pair of All-Stars who have played more like Lenny and Squiggy than Berkman and Oswalt. A team with exactly zero off-season acquisitions working out the way the front-office hoped. A team with a bullpen that is almost completely different from the one that ended last season, in terms of personnel as well as role. A team full of aging, high priced veterans heading towards the end of their careers. A team with only 8 players under the age of 30. All of these thing has lead at least one interested observer to state on the record that it may be time to start rebuilding with younger players. That interested observer is one Drayton McLane.

How significant is this apparent change of heart from the man who has as recently as this spring publicly declared, “We don’t rebuild, we reload”? Well, it’s a lot more significant than what account is making direct deposits in Footer’s bank account. For the first time besides fanboy handwringing, there is legitimate reason to believe that unless the Stros make a significant run between now and July 31st, veterans like Ivan Rodriguez, Miguel Tejada, Darrin Erstad, Geoff Blum, Kaz Matsui, Mike Hampton, Jose Valverde are going to be shopped. The franchise may put a real premium on getting pieces for the future for the first time since the early 90’s. The very recent (yesterday) move of Jason Castro to AA Corpus Christi may be the first really transparent move towards getting this franchise “ready” for 2010. Or 2011. For a franchise that usually shows all the foresight and planning of a dog chasing a tennis ball across a linoleum floor, this is a very big deal.

On the other hand, if the Astros were to win 7 of their next 10 (Cubs, Diamondbacks, Rangers, Twins), the Astros would be only a game under .500 and in the thick of another wild card race. Win the 7 of 10 after that (Twins, Royals, Tigers, Padres) and Houston is “allofasuddenlike” 39-36 with 12 of their last 14 at home before the All-Star break. Five of those are against the Nationals. The point is, the season is absolutely still salvageable. Oswalt will eventually get the cortisone shot he needs, Berkman will start hitting the way history suggests he will, the bullpen will start getting some healthy bodies back. If thats the case, the real question becomes, does Ed Wade have the ability, or the inclination to go to McLane and tell him, “What’s going on on the field is an anomally. We still need to move some of these players”?

Either way, the remainder of the season is going to be an interesting one. If the Astros are competitive up until the break, and can come close to the second half of 2008 (which I still have to believe is the real hope at Union Station, despite any lunch-time talk) that will be a lot of fun. This team was a hurricane away from the playoffs last year. If they trip on their collective dicks over the next 30 games, we get to see just how good a general manager Ed Wade really is. It’s also possible that the Astros can deal a Miguel Tejada or a Jose Valverde, get prospects for 2010 (or 2011) and stay in the hunt this season. It’s up to the on-field talent to chart the course from here on out.

And now for something completely different…

In a very short amount of time, Hunter Pence has risen to the forefront of not only the

Astros roster, but the very center of the TalkZone subconscious. He even has been granted the unique and not-at-all-0verdone honor of having a area of seats graced with his name, “Hunter’s Lodge”. As such, he has earned several nicknames…Gunther, Thunderpants, Pane in the Ass, and simply PENCE!!!

I would like to humbly suggest a new addition…

Whitey McSkullshirt.

The team is sailing, rudderless through this part of the schedule.  With a chance to get back in the division race, the Astros lost 8 of 10 and 7 in a row.  Rather than attempting to manage things like effort and focus, Cooper has resorted to managing results. The results have been predictable.  The talk has been of roster shuffles, fire sales, draft picks and coaching changes, not the topics we’ve come to expect from the Astros, and especially not as early as May 28th.

This might not want to be the series that the Stros have their 2009 coming out party tied to.The Astros haven’t been exceptionally good anywhere, but they’ve been noticeably worse at home so far this season.  Take out the 3-game sweep against the Padres to close the last home stand, and Houston is 5 and 10 at home this season with some less than inspiring performances. The common theme in the first 15 home games was the disappearance of anything resembling an offense from your hometown nine.  At MMPUS so far this season, the Astros have been held to less than 4 runs 9 times, including being shut out once.   This is probably the point where someone would expect to see a joke about home cooking and Sheriff Blaylock, but I wouldn’t want to sully the name of that legendary hero of Old West cuisine.  Even if he’s imaginary, he’s right up there with the wolf who makes Wolf Brand Chili.  Just put some words together and liberally sprinkle the word runs throughout.  You’ll get the gist.

Alyson, I know this team is killing you.
Oh, Alyson, your words are true.

Well I see you work for the Astros now.
Did they leave your pretty fingers typing
spinning positive things to say?
You used to watch Cecil every night.
Bet you took all you could take.
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from leaving
when I read the silly things that Jesus says.
I think somebody better put out a want ad,
’cause I can’t stand to read coverage this way.

Alyson, I know this team is killing you.
Oh, Alyson, your words are true.

We’ll miss you Alyson.

What I keep coming back to is 6-12.  The Astros started with 6 wins and 12 losses.  Again.  Meet the new boss.  Considering, the other craziness that Cooper spouts, it’s possible that this is the fast start that he was clamoring for at the end of spring training.  Last year, the team proceeded to win their next 6 games from that point to get to 12-12.  So far this year, Houston is 3-1 after the start, so .500 is still in their sights. Yippie.  The problem with 9-13, beyond being a horrible record, and being 6.5 games out after one month of play, is that the losses were almost exclusively within the Central Division.  Throw out the series win against the Dodgers, and the Astros are 7-12, exclusively against their division opponents.  They end April where they’ve spent all but nine days so far this season…in last place in the Central Division.

It’s a toss up as to whether the home series against Cincinnati or the home series against Milwaukee is the most disappointing so far.  Both are teams the Astros have to beat up on, especially at home.  The Astros went 2-5 against those two during a 10-game homestand, combining ineffective offense with a truckload of shoddy bullpen work, and for good measure, some strange managerial decisions.  Reverse those results, and the Astros are at 12-10 and in second place in the division.

April 30th isn’t really a time to panic, but when you look at the schedule, at least at the beginning of the season, April was supposed to be one of the “easier” months.  May is going to find the Astros on the road 17 times, versus only 11 at home.  The good side of the May sched is the teams that Houston is set to play are a combined 88-102 (.463) so far this season.  The bad news is the Astros are playing at a .429 clip.  If there’s a time to become part of the discussion, now would be it.  A series win against the Chop-tarts and taking two from the Nationls would be an excellent place to start.

Slumpy McSlumperstein
To start winning on a regular basis, your local nine are going to need Lance Berkman to get out of his slump, quicker than you can say “Twinkie”.  Always eager to help, I’ve been scratching my head to come up with a workable solution for the Big Puma.  I purchased some Head & Shoulders, and then decided just to check the interwebs.  After searching several self help sites, like Innercompass.com, RandomDreamer.com, and prettypinkponyofmotivationforgirls.com, here is a random sampling of the suggestions for Fat Elvis to right his personal ship.

• Have some coffee. Or Venom Energy Drink.  Venom Energy Drink is the Official Energy Drink of Lance Berkman. Seriously.
• Make a list. Groceries, or Christmas?  No sight was particuraly specific or even explained why this would help, but all of them said to make a list.  Tailored to Berkman, I would suggest, Lance makes a list of his favorite people to see barreling towards first base, and maybe a favorite ice breaker for each.
• Take action! Action must be taken, regardless, apparently, of what that action is.  Is ignoring Cecil Cooper an action?  Go with that.
• Exercise. Probably.  Maybe.  Or cut down on the Pop-Tarts.  Same/same.
• Shower and groom yourself. Seriously.  If you’re hitting .162, you better not be all foul and covered in body hair.  Manscaping = hitting!
• Squash negative thoughts; replace them with positive ones. Push out the jive, bring in the love.
• Ask yourself: what’s bugging me most in my home? Not sure what your house has to do with a hitting slump, but by all means, if it’s anything, burn that sucker down.  And get your family out.  Not necessarily in that order.
• Get out of the house and do something. This makes sense.  Especially if you’re planning on burning your house down.  Remember, you can always buy another house.  You only have one baseball career.
• Play some lively music. Perhaps a spicy polka, or something from Raffi.  Do you like Lady GaGa?
• Talk about it. With everyone you meet? Check.  Whether they’re interested or not? Check.   Whether they speak English or not? Check.
• Stop doing something! This seem counter intuitive after you’re taking action and committing arson, but go with it.
• Take a nap. Check.  And do the stop doing something before you nap.  Especially the fire thing.  Totally serious about this one.
• Start small, really small. Cooper’s already on board with this.  It’s why you only got one at-bat in the final game in Cincinnati.  Next game, maybe two at-bats.  Big stuff.

Before We Leave

On the surface, I have no desire to see the second Transformers movie, to be released later this summer.

On the other hand…

*Any of you who would like to write a column, please contact me at [email protected].  Please.

Your stagnant stars have opened the season 1 and 6, have been shut out twice and have, when they’ve actually shown up, appeared to be generally clueless on the mound, and especially, painfully, at the plate.  Curiously, courtesy of the office of Katy Feeney, the Astros have been given a rare mid-series break to hold closed door meetings, drink Yuengling and hold an Uno tournament.  They could also stand to take a little mini-assessment of what has happened and where they’re headed.

The starting pitching disappointments have been limited to (kind of suprisingly, but not really) Roy Oswalt and (not at all surprising provided you’re familiar with the term “career-year”) Brian Moehler.  Probably should note that Moehler has a strained MCL, or a sprained DSL…something.  Either way, despite positive trends (37.80 to 27.00 in just 5 days), he has not been good, almost like a guy who figured to barely make a roster, much less a rotation, about a year ago.  Combined with Oswalt’s continued struggles with anything pitching related prior to June, the starting pitching has been about what you’d have guessed.  Mike Hampton and Russ Ortiz?  Both still have use of their money makers, so to speak, which might rank as a pleasant surprise when you compare it to the mess the rest of this staff is. 

The bullpen is hardly worth mentioning.  Doug Brocail has Houston’s only win so far this season, and sadly, he is on the DL for the 765th time in his career.  Jose Valverde, Chris Sampon and Tim Byrdak have been good.  The rest of the bullpen has been a decided “meh”.  In the interest of being fair, however, the Astros have had a lead after the 6th inning exactly one time so far this season, so the lack of urgency they’ve shown is understandable.  The lack of execution, however, is not, as the bullpen blew that one lead and is walking around with a pedestrian 5.19 ERA. Pedestrian because there’s a lot of foot traffic when they pitch…get it?!? I kill me.

That brings us to the actual problem so far in 2009…the offense.  By design or just the way life works out, the 2009 version of this team, not unlike the 2008 version was going to win with hitting.  Big, bold, timely, veteran hitting.  While it’s early, and ships can be righted, and dogs can have sun shine on their asses and (insert your favorite cliche here), compared to their National League bretheren, the Astros are dead last in on-base percentage, third from last in slugging percentage and fourth from the bottom in batting average. If you take out Jeff Keppinger, the Astros are dead last in all three categories.  Anyone with internet access can look up and down the line-up and see the players who are hitting (Keppinger) and the players who aren’t hitting (everyone else), and frankly it’s not terribly interesting to point out that Berkman is hitting .167 or that Carlos Lee is hitting .192.  What is interesting the editiorial staff here at “Off Day” are the reasons why, for the second year in a row, this team has started off the season frigid at the plate.  It’s fully possible that you have 15 players going through hitting slumps at the same time, but I think the more likely answer is…Cecil Cooper.

A lot of time the effect a manager has on a baseball team, especially a veteran team, is overblown.  To a very large extent, the players are responsible for production on the field.  The ways a manager can affect a game can (and usually should) be subtle.  It’s not about batting your pitcher 9th, or redecorating a bat rack when something goes wrong.  A competent manager’s job is to put their players in the best position to succeed.  Having said all that, nothing in the last 18 months has lead any objective observer to believe that Cecil Cooper is competent.    Example A is his blatant inability to put together a batting order.

The easiest way to “fix” the offense would be to set an order (or 2) and cease the juggling after 4-5 games.  For starters get Kaz Matsui out of the lead-off spot.  Not only is he both visually uncomfortable in the role, his skill set isn’t exactly geared towards leading off.  Know how you can tell?  When the native Japanese speaker bothers to learn the phrase, “I’m not comfortable leading off” in english. Matsui does however have the skill set to bat second, and has done so with reasonable success in his career.  Including last season.  For the Astros.  Instead, the Astros have had Pudge Rodriguez, Jeff Keppinger, Miguel Tejada and Hunter Pence hitting pre-Berkman.  Keppinger is a good option.  The others, not so much.  The other problem with Matsui batting lead-off is his attendance.  From anal-fissures to inverted eye-lids, if there’s a way for Kaz Matsui to get injured, he’s going to find it.  If you can’t count on a player to play more than 100 games, why would you put him in such a vital place in the order?  Me neither.

With the personnel available Berkman, Lee, Tejada is the right mix for 3-4-5.  You could make an argument that Lee should be batting 3rd, but why pick that particular nit?  I know there’s no stat to support this (and by no stat, I mean none that I care to look for) but Lee has a better ball/strike approach than Berkman does.  On the other hand, Berkman typically had better results than Lee.  It’s like arguing about who’s hotter when your choices are “sweaty, dirty jungle” Kate and “high heels and skirt, losing Aaron in the grocery store” Kate.  Both have their pros and cons.

After Matusi, the biggest problem with the current batting order is one Hunter Pence.  It’s hard to tell if Pence’s complete lack of baseball smarts at the plate is the bigger problem or if it’s Cooper’s infatuation with him, but it’s one of those.  Put as plainly as I can manage, Hunter Pence should, barring either catastrophic injury to the rest of the line-up or an occurance of Shakabuku, not bat higher than 6th.  His approach is completely wrong for the top of the line-up.  His complete inability to recognize and/or make more than accidental contact with a breaking ball should rule him out of the middle of the order. Batting seventh should maximize the value and minimize the damage to this year’s Astros.  Accentuate the positive, I always say!

Against right-hander pitchers, Bourn, Matsui, Berkman, Lee, Tejada, Blum, Pence, Rodriguez is a nice solid line-up.  Mix it up against southpaws by running out Bourn, Keppinger, Berkman, Lee, Tejada, Pence, Rodriguez, Matsui.  And then let them play. Try it for a couple of weeks.  See how it feels.

The question is rapidly elevating to whether or not Cooper is incompetent or just stupid.  I don’t think he’s stupid, but I think he’s dangerously close to some serious scrutiny.  Fixing the batting order would be a great place for the Astros’ manager to answer some of those questions.

But, it’s vitally important that no one overreacts to the results of the first series of the season, even if it’s against the Cubs. Okay, nothing about baseball is actually vital or important, and you fans can overreact all you want (unless you’re talking to Drayton, please), but I’m talking specifically about Cecil Cooper and the Astros. Regardless of the results against the Cubs, nothing has changed from a week ago. Moehler, Mike Hampton and Russ Ortiz are still question marks in the rotation. Wandy Rodriquez is still a good to great pitcher at home. Lance Berkman still gets on base a lot. Hunter Pence still has no clue at the plate, although when he makes contact, it can go a long way fast. The good news is that no one was injured, not even Kaz Matsui or Mike Hampton (He could have fallen down the steps. And you wouldn’t have been surprised.) If you were paying attention, you might have noticed the Astros were very capable of winning the series.

How do they get better? First, picking a real lineup would be a good first step. Bourn, Matsui, Berkman, Lee, Tejada, Pence, Blum/Keppinger, Rodriguez, pitcher makes a hell of a lot of baseball sense. Someone might want to stick with that for a couple of weeks. Unless the Astros are counting on 5 home runs a night. And they might be. They probably should note that they still lost. Secondly, Russ Ortiz is a career starter, and isn’t going to be great coming out of the bullpen. He shouldn’t be put in situations like cleaning up Moehler’s mess, if Cooper is terribly worried about the results. It’s also understandable that Russ Ortiz is coming out of the bullpen for the first two weeks, but Roy Oswalt’s personal comfort isn’t a great reason for that, especially at the beginning of the season. Third,

The results aren’t want anyone wanted, but they could have been a hell of a lot worse. So on to Saint Louise, fried ravioli, and the battlin’ Birds. There’ll be a lot for Cooper to overreact about there as well. Like getting outmanaged by Billy Jean King.

Milo Way? – Wednesday afternoon, a stretch of Hamilton Street was rededicated “Milo Way”. And by rededicated I mean that under the actual street sign a legally insignificant sign was hung. It was the kind of sign you could buy from Spenser’s to be able to signify that the bar in your rumpus room is for “Red Sox Parking Only”, vainly hoping that actual Red Sox will “park” there, instead of your mother-in-law’s new husband.

Beyond being silly, it’s not really accurate. Hamilton Street is a well-paved, direct, one-way street, heading southwest between State Highway 59 and the George R. Brown Convention Center. A more accurate Milo Way would start off smoothly, run over Gene Elston’s grave, and proceed to deteriorate rapidly, meandering for miles and miles, not necessarily getting you anywhere. Along the way, there would be street signs promising you that you had almost reached the end, even though you can never actually get there.

Managing Through The Media, by Cecil Cooper – Quote of the Week: “I talked to (Pudge) last night about moving Keppinger into the No. 2 hole simply because Keppinger, in my estimation is a REAL two-hole hitter.”

Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez was the two-hole hitter Monday and Tuesday. Although evidently not a REAL one. I get the impression that Cecil Cooper imagines himself to be the baseball equivalent of Benjamin Linus…always saying something or doing something to push the psychological buttons of his players to move them into doing things they aren’t normally willing to do or capable of. Mr. Cooper, Lost, while a quality television show, isn’t real life. In, real life, you just get shit-canned for losing the clubhouse. Again.

Weak Ponderance of the Off-Day: If you were a famous female athlete, would you marry a man with the last name Dyke?