So I’m back, back again, tell a friend. We’ll start with some breaking news: The Friars have agreed to trade Jake Peavy to the White Sox. First of all, this is outstanding news if it keeps Peavy away from the (FT)Cubs. Second, this does remind me that the White Sox seem to be the AL version of the Astros; a team with a lot of old pieces that are continually predicted to fall on their face, and sometimes do, but more often surprise the “experts” with a successful season. A team led by a batshit crazy manager. A team that may cut some costs, but will always be willing to make the big move. The fact that these two teams met in the 05 WS was almost destiny, it seems.

Of course, Peavy could veto the deal and continue the drama.

Looking around the rest of the majors – what moves worked, what moves didn’t, and how do things look from here on out:

AL East
The Blue Jays are easily the suprise of the division, and likely the majors, with their 27-16 record. Apparently JP Ricciardi, when not insulting other teams’ players, managed to stockpile an amazing array of young arms that have helped to carry the team (along with Roy Halladay’s continued brilliance). It doesn’t hurt that Aaron Hill is absolutely murdering the ball, especially since there is nobody else in that lineup that strikes fear into you. Pitching and defense, folks. Remember that.
The Rays, on the other hand, are working their way back toward .500 after a rough start. Scott Kazmir hs fllen off the map, and their other starters aren’t doing much better; the fact that David Price remains at AAA is mind-boggling.
Oh, and some guy named Rodriguez came back with a crazy .189/.412/.595 line, making the “3 true outcomes” crowd absolutely orgasmic. The Yankees have also won 8 straight and are busy killing any media members who mention that their billion-dollar stadium is a joke.

AL Central
The Tigers have kept Jim Leyland out of the firing pool with some – wait for it – pitching and … well, pitching at least. The fire sale my be postponed, especially as the Twins and White Sox are struggling, and the Indians are just an absolute disaster. No pitching, no defense, and a bunch of pieces that don’t fit at all. The Royals are in the “happy to be here” category, but I may have to get Extra Innings on DirecTV just to watch Zach Greinke. The guy has always had a world of talent, and it’s great to see him putting it all together. (Am I the only one that takes more pleasure in seeing young pitchers blossom than position players? Yes? Let’s move on.)

AL West
Up is down, water is dry, and the Texas Rangers are the season’s biggest “pitching and defense” success story. Moving Young to 3b improved their defense at 2 positions, they made out like bandits in the Mark Texeira trade, and they sit in an IMMENSELY winnable division. Of course, it’s may, and the Rangers always suffer an August swoon, so let’s not start sucking each other’s… um, pospicles… just yet.
Oakland is 15-22 and the rest of baseball waits to see what Billy Beane will ask for on guys like Matt Holiday. It might actually be an interesting time for Michael Lewis to go back to Oakland, as well as Toronto, and find that for all of the economically interesting viewpoints that Moneyball provided, the actual lesson of the A’s is that young pitchers are, and will always be, the most valuable commodity in baseball.

NL East
Let’s see… the Phillies are 8-12 at home and still lead the division? Brad Lidge has given up 35 baserunners in 18 innings, and the Phillies still lead the division? I see a group of teams failing miserably to take advantage of the situation. The Mets can’t pitch, the Braves can’t hit, and the Marlins have fallen apart after setting the world on fire in April.
Oh, and the fact that the Astros left Washington without a win is shameful. 11-28, folks. 11-28. They allow a full run per game more than the next-worse team in the league. Other than Ryan Zimmerman, there is NOTHING to see there.

NL West
I’ve got nothing. The Dodgers will win this division before Labor Day, and I can’t see a single team out there doing anything of note.

NL Central
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best division in baseball. Any ESPiN mediot that breaks out the “Comedy Central” routine this year should be fired, unless they are on Sunday Night Baseball, in which case they should be waterboarded on general principle.
Only the Reds have a losing record outside the division. Overall, the Central is 55-36 (or a .604 clip) against the East and West. Compare:

NL Central 55-36 .604
AL East 63-48 .568
AL West 45-47 .489
NL West 38-43 .469
AL Central 49-62 .441
NL East 39-52 .429

The Astros currently sit at 2 games under .500, yet look up at the entire division. Folks, everyone who thought the Cubs would run away and hide were WRONG. These Brewers continue to pitch, and they are beating up on their division rivals – 16-8 within the division. That’s how you stay in contention. And I must say that it disturbs me that the Astros have given up more runs than anyone in the division, despite a performance from Wandy Rodriguez that would be Cy Young worthy if Johan Santana weren’t winning or losing every game 1-0.

And just so we don’t forget…
Chocolate starfish of the season to date:
Lots of candidates here, but I’ll go with Cecil Cooper. You can debate a manager’s decisions, you can debate the wisdom of his moves. But you cannot debate that by sitting in the dugout and not even explaining the situation in last night’s game to the players involved, “Coop” completely abdicated his job responsibilities.
I stand by my prediciton – Coop will not be managing the Astros come the All-Star Break.

Hopefully I’ll be back sooner next time.

1. Apologies for the missing TWiB last week – work interfered, along with preparations for Tropical Storm Towles.

2. I absolutely love the Olympics. Every 4 years, I revert to the proverbial “rip the knob off the TV” mode and just lock in to NBC. I will watch synchronized diving. I will watch equestrian. If I could find the fencing medal rounds, I would watch them. I will watch the leader of the free world give an Olympian the traditional slap on the ass.

Not to go all Bill Simmons here, but if you can’t get in to the Olympics as a fan, then I don’t think you and I are ever going to see eye to eye on anything.

The Opening Ceremonies were amazing, especially when you see just how much this country can get mass quantities of people to operate in perfect synchronization. Nothing will ever top lighting the torch with a freaking bow and arrow from across the stadium, but walking across the sky came close.

Now, with that out of the way, on to baseball:

3 UP:

Gold: Rays – 5-2 on the week, and have stretched out to a 4 1/2 game lead on the Sawks, and 6 on the Twins for the Wild Card (if necessary). They’ll have to battle through an injury to Houston native Carl Crawford, who is out for 2 to 3 weeks with a tendon injury in his finger, but Rocco Baldelli has battled back from mysterious fatigue issues that threatened to end his career and has rejoined the team. Big props to manager Joe Madden for benching BJ Upton for lack of hustle even after Crawford’s injury.

Silver: Brewers – took advantage of games with Cincy and Washington to post a 5-1 week, remaining within 4 of the Cubs, and pulling ahead by 4 in the loss column for the Wild Card. However, Ryan Braun (.360/.406/.756 since the All Star Break) is experiencing back pain, never a good sign for a guy carrying an offense.

Bronze: Astros – these guys are big believers in this:
Never stop fighting

3 DOWN:

1. Redlegs – nice 1-6 week, guys. Apparently they have been shipping mass quantities of skyline chili to Beijing:
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2. A’s – also a 1-6 week. Closer and Longhorn legend Huston Street has been demoted to middle man, having allowed runs is 6 of his last 10 appearances; however, pitching isn’t the real problem here – their pitching is 2nd in the AL, but their offense is dead last.

3. Jakes – 3-3, but their ace Chris Carpenter left with a triceps strain, their bullpen is so bad that they’re looking at moving their other ace-level starter to closer, and they’re in the middle of a 10 game roadie.

ALMOST AS HOT AS BEACH VOLLEYBALL:
Well, I was all set to plug El Caballo into this slot, but instead I’ll have to go with CC Sabathia, who has only gone 6-0 in 7 starts with Milwaukee, including 4 complete games, 2 shutouts, a 1.58 ERA, and as many strikeouts as baserunners (52 in 57 innings). That’s an ace, right there. CC is about to be a very rich fat man.

SEEKING HONORARY FRENCH CITIZENSHIP:
KC Royals John Buck and Esteban German combined to go 0-30 on the week.

SnS Thread of the Week:
For a short time on Tuesday, you could seriously entertain the dream of the Astros chasing down the Wild Card, as the Astros came back from a 6-1 deficit to hold a 7-6 lead in the 7th inning, with a W on Monday already under their belt.

Then Noe happened.

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:
Scott Boras, for reasons too numerous to detail, but mostly for the fact that Enron executives and politicians think that the guy’s methods are too shady.

That’s all, folks, and for the love of God, please don’t give away the women’s gymnastics results, as I will be in a self-imposed bubble on Wednesday until Mrs. MM and I can watch the TiVo that night.

Powerful words. Words to live by. Maybe not so much words to run your professional baseball team by, Drayton.

3 UP:

1. Brewers – so the Astros took 2 of 3… the real key here was going into St. Louis and sweeping a 4 game set. There’s just no better way to break the spirits of the BFiB, and that is something I will always support, especially where the Brew Crew is involved; after all, has a player ever been so aesthetically matched to his city as Prince Fielder in Milwaukee? (Oh, right… John Rocker in Atlanta.)

2. New York – on both sides. Yankees ran off 8 straight to pull within 3 of the Rays at one point; the Mets charged to the top of the East; and the Yankees took advantage of Pittsburgh’s annual Dropping of the Soap to acquire Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte (both under club control for next year, by the way) without giving up any of their top prospects. (Jose Tabata, you say? He would have ever been mentioned in any publication if he weren’t in the Yankees’ system.)

3. Colorado – 5-1 last week, 9 of their last 10, still 10 under .500 but within 6 games of the lead. Cancel those Matt Holiday trade rumors, guys. Oh, and Troy Tulowitzki looks like he’s remembered how to hit a baseball, too: he’s 12 of 23 since the ASB.

3 DOWN:

1. Pirates – screw the sweep in Houston. See above. Apparently their GM position comes with a frontal lobotomy.

2. A’s – always nice to set up the fire sale when you’re 4 games out of the Wild Card. 2-4 week, and not much hope for the remainder of the season.

3. Co-Ards – that sweep probably convinced ownership to not be buyers at the deadline. For those of you who are stat-oriented, BP’s Playoff Odds reported a 26% drop in the Jakes’ playoff chances over the last 7 days. Schaudenfreude: the refuge of the all-but-eliminated team’s fan.

FEELIN’ HOT, HOT HOT:

Ryan Braun may not be able to field a lick, but the man sure can hit a baseball. 13 for his last 23 with 4 jacks; since the All-Star Break, he is slugging an even 1.000 over 10 games. That’s good.

CLARK OF THE WEEK:

Nick Punto is making Twins fans wish for AE. At the plate. 2 for 19, no XBH, no BB, that equals .105/.105/.105.

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:

Manny being Manny. Please, please, PRETTY PLEASE, just shut up and play baseball. Nobody cares if Boston is “disrespecting” you by not picking up your $20M option. Seriously.

PET PEEVE OF THE WEEK:

It’s a rundown, guys. Little leaguers can do this. Stuff like this, and the Wigginton FUBAR in the 8th on Saturday, are moving this team from “boringly mediocre” to “comically bad”.

SnS THREAD OF THE WEEK:

Starting with idle rumors, moving through analysis of the team’s expectations vs. performance, and then to the actual trade and accompanying overreactions (my bad), this thread had it all.

COMING UP:

Rumors. Lots of ’em. I recommend www.mlbtraderumors.com as a pretty useful collection of all of the national and local media chatter; just ignore any actual opinions presented with the information.

What I expect to happen:
– Mark Loretta wearing a non-Astro uni
– Rays landing another bullpen arm
– Manny staying put
– Mark Texeira ending up in Arizona
– Surprisingly little else.

To match appropriately to the Instant Analysis nature of such a column, I shall go all Bill Simmons on you and describe the season by matching it to great opening lines / paragraphs from some famous works of literature (“books”, for some of you, or “Barnes and Noble checkout line stuff”, for others.)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

How better to describe the Astros’ season thus far? We have seen the best of times (May) and the worst of times (June); an age of wisdom (the trade for Valverde, the signings of Brocail and Erstad), and an age of foolishness (now leading off for your Houston Astros, the right fielder, Hunter Pence!). We have endured an epoch of belief (this team can make the playoffs!) and an epoch of incredultity (trade Berkman!).

Bonus points to anyone who thought the author was Richard Justice.

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

To the “reports” that the Astros clubhouse was “toxic”. Let me guess – players don’t like losing, right? Sheer brilliance.

Through the fence, between the curling flower spaces, I could see them hitting.

By “between the curling flower spaces”, I assume Faulkner was referring to second basemen; for only the combined performance of Ian Kinsler, Chase Utley, and Dan Uggla could lead Brian McTaggart to lose his damn mind and declare Kazuo Matsui’s signing a bust less than 1/6 of the way through his contract.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.

To the Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim, California, Situated In the United States of America on the North American Continent of Planet Earth, who have quietly moved to the top of the American League. Vlad Guerrero is remembering how to hit, and Arte Moreno’s payroll is able to support things like The Worst Contract Not Given to a Pitcher, also known as Gary Matthews Jr. By the way, their pitching – especially the bullpen – is pretty damn good, although they get docked points for having a pitcher who changed his name just because another, better, pitcher had the same name.

The drought had lasted now for ten million years, and the reign of the terrible lizards had long since ended. Here on the Equator, in the continent which would one day be known as Africa, the battle for existence had reached a new climatx of ferocity, and the victor was not yet in sight.

OK, so Florida isn’t Africa, but I like the comparison of the Yankees to dinosaurs. The newly christened Rays need this season – they need it to provide legitimacy to baseball in Tampa. And they better not fold down the stretch, or the damage to baseball in Tampa could be real, and lasting.

You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings.

To MLB’s decision to go to limited instant replay. The MLB offices have instilled a nearly Pavlovian response of hand-wringing and rending of garments in baseball fans to nearly any league announcement, but in this case, I don’t see that they’re screwing it up too badly.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

To Josh Hamilton, who I think at this point couldn’t be blamed if he just screamed “Don’t talk to me alright? Knock it off!!”, but instead continues to speak his story as an object lesson of how just screwing around when you’re bored can lead to behavior that threatenes to ruin not only your life, but those around you. Count me in the camp that’s happy for his success.

Scarlett O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were.

To the legions of PENCE!!! fans who haven’t yet caught on to the fact that he’s been below-average this year. I drank some of the Kool-Aid, but The Franchise is having a hell of a sophomore slump.

“Who is John Galt?”

To Justin Duchscherer, who is quietly trying to win the Cy Young without anyone knowing how to spell his name.

Hence! home, you idle creatures, get you home!

This season has shown a surprising level of home-road splits. The Red Sox, Rays, Cubs, and White Sox all sit atop their divisons (or nearly, in the Rays’ case) with road records that are well below .500. Is this the latest sign of parity?

In sooth I know not why I am so sad.

To those who have pointed out that this Astros team is right about where any dispassionate observer would have expected them to be. Nobody other than Berkman has substantially exceeded expectations, and the youngsters have failed to break out. Given that, is a slightly below-.500 team not what you could reasonably expect? On the other hand…

Midway in our life’s journey, I went astray from the straight road and woke to find myself alone in a dark wood.

Ladies and gentlemen… your last place Houston Astros.

I tried to tell you, didn’t I? I tried to explain that anyone excited about winning 3 series in a row – 2 at home – was getting a little too far over their skis. And one week later, here we are. This team is done, D-U-N done, and so we who are about to suffer through the second half salute you.

3 UP:
1. Rays – They have a 5 game lead over the Sawks, 7 in the loss column. The swept Boston and KC to build a nice little 7-game winning streak. They have prospects galore if there’s a deadline deal to be made, and given Percival’s shaky health, adding one arm to the pen might not be a bad idea. The only thing they don’t have is fans, but they should come around. Taking 2 of 3 in the Trop might be the highlight of the Astros’ season when all is said and done.

2. Brewers – Forget the record for the week; by adding Sabathia, they’ve got themselves a perfect fit – a strikeout-throwing innings-eater, which is just what a poor defensive team with a horrid bullpen needs. This is another team that needs to add an arm to the pen.

3. Dodgers – 5-2 on the week, as we know all too well. They’re now two games under .500, which makes them the prohibitive favorite in that crapfest out West.

3 DOWN:
1. Indians – The 8 game losing streak, I suppose, convinced them to pull the trigger on the Sabathia deal, but really? The going rate for an ace in a AA DH, a back-of-the rotation AAA guy, and a projectible A arm? I understand his contract status devalues him quite a bit, but if that’s all that an Oswalt deal would fetch, then I may have to reconsider my stance on dealing Sparky.

2. Red Sox – At this time last week, they were tied for first; they’re now 5 games out. That’s down. Oh, and Terry Francona made the absolutely indefensible move of adding Jason Varitek to the ASG roster; the BBGs will not look kindly upon this.

3. Astros – A very thin line separated thme from having an OK week; namely, two 7-6 extra-inning affairs. But the bottom line is, they were at 5-2 on a homestand that ended up 5-5, and then blew a 3 run lead on the road. The team is going nowhere fast, the owner won’t want to hear that, and I don’t see a way out of it in the forseeable future.

EN FUEGO:
JJ Hardy managed the Yackball 6 times during a 15-25 week, raising his SLG a sickening 105 points in the span of 7 days. Well done, well done indeed.

STINKNG UP THE JOINT:
Edgar Renteria: 1-22 on the week, .254/.302/.328 on the season. Exhibit 23 in the case of the Underachieving Tigers. And yet they’re .500.

SnS TURNING POINT… AND WHAT THE HECK, CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:

Long time forum poster Jose Cruz III apparently counts “tugging on Superman’s cape”, “pissing into the wind”, and “hitting on 17 because he has a gut feeling” as his hobbies, as evidenced by this affront to the BBGs. We can only hope that JCIII has learned his lesson, before we finish the season staring up at the entirety of the NL Central.

THE WEEK TO COME
At PIT for 3, and at WAS for 3, and then the All-Star Break; this should be the easiest week of the season. Unfortunately, this team just isn’t good enough to take advantage. Look for 3-3 at the best, but 2-4 more likely.

3 UP:
1. American League – 52-31 last week. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this pains me. And before you argue the payroll disparities, please note that the Twins owned the best interleague record at 14-4, with the Royals (really? the freakin’ Royals??) next at 13-5.
Speaking of which…

2. The Tigers also went 13-5 in interleague, including a 5-1 week at the expense of the Jakes and Rukkakkes. Mike Ilich and his Pizza!Pizza!-funded squad have finally reached .500.

3. The Royals went 4-2 last week, seeing their winning streak broken Saturday by the return of LaRussa’s boyfriend.

What, you thought I was going to mention the Astros here? 4-2 after a month of losing shouldn’t get anyone’s hearts aflutter. Good teams are supposed to win at home. Hell, even mediocre teams are supposed to win at home.

3 DOWN:
1. NL East/West – for the record, the third-place Brewers would currently hold a comfortable lead in either of the other divisions. The Astros would only be 2 games out in the West. This freefall continues to be led by…

2. The Phillies – 2-4 on the week, and now considering dropping Brett Myers from the rotation. If Shawn Chacon went nuts for that move, how is a sack of excrement like Myers going to react?

3. Tie: Padres/Rockies – the Rockies have lost 7 in a row; the Padres, 8. Something’s gotta give during the next 3 days in a “Fire Sale Special” in San Diego.

EN FUEGO:
No surprise here, as the prize goes to Dustin Pedroia, or Dustin Fucking Pedroia as he shall hereafter be called. 14 for 23 with 2 HR and 5 RBI, every bit of it seemingly against the Astros.

FALLING FAST:
Doesn’t it seem gratuitous of mlb.com to lead the “Who’s Not” section with Chacon’s 18 runs allowed in his last 17.1 innings? Especially given the incriminating lack of a team next to his name?

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:
I think we can just skip this section this week, don’t you?

SnS THREAD OF THE WEEK:
Again, no surprise here.

(Give me a break… if I were to really look for a “fresh angle” on this debacle, I would be no better than Pinwheel. The horse us dead, and then some.)

COMING SOON:
WWE fans will tear their attention away from “Raw vs. Smackdown” as the Sawks face the Rays in Tampa for the first time since Coco Crisp earned Chocolate Starfish honors. This will be a best of 3 falls match, with hardcore rules and Special Guest Referee George Steinbrenner. The turning point of the third game will feature David Aardsma suddenly walking in 3 runs, only to rip of his jersey to reveal the Rays uni underneath.

3 UP:

1. Brewers – don’t look now, but they’re 5-1 over the last week, and 14-6 in June. They’ve climbed within 6.5 games of the baby bears, and are only 2 games behind the Redbirds for the WC.

2. Twins – let’s look back and see what TWiB had to say about the Twinkies two weeks ago:

Twins: 2-5 on the week. Much like the Astros, this may be a team that is regressing to its mean.

Hmmm… the Twins now sit at 40-36, just 1.5 games behind the White Sox for the division lead. Yeah, we might have called that one a little early.

3. AL – though I hate to say it, the AL is once again starting the Senior Circuit off with a nice open-handed slap; interleague play sits at 97-71 in the AL’s favor.

3 DOWN:
1. NL West – good lord, what a collection of crap. The division leaders sit at 39-37, a record that would be no better than third place in any other MLB divison. The division is a combined 40 games under .500, and managed a total of 12 wins – combined – last week. (By comparison, the widely mocked NL Central sits at 22 games over .500.)

2. Phillies – once again, let’s look back on TWiB’s commentary of two weeks ago:

The Phils are starting to assert themselves as Masters of Their Domain, and should be able to put the East away in the next couple of months.

Yeah… that 1-5 swing against AL division leaders Boston and LAA didn’t work so well, did it? The Fish in your rearview mirror may be fresher than they appear.

3. Indians – 35-41 on the season, same as the Astros. The problem is, the Indians were considered near-locks to be playoff contenders, and only the overwhelming mediocrity of the AL Central is prohibiting them from being eliminated already.

EN FUEGO:
Jermaine Dye kind of quietly gets it done in Chicago. All he does is go out and put up his .300/.350/.500 line, year in and year out. Last week, he got up on the wheel for a 10-24, 5 HR, 13 RBI performance. Honorable mention to Jeff Baker, the Colorado utility man who went nuts for a 10-23, 4 HR week, giving him 5 HR on the season.

POSITIVELY CLARK:
Perhaps the Boston media could stop gorvelling Jason Varitek’s schlong long enough to notice that he went 0-19 on the week, and now “boasts” a .230/.308/.392 line on the season. Pretty much any catcher that does not play in Houston can top this – for comparison’s sake, whichever Squatting Molina plays in STL has managed a .290/.347/.382, and I’m pretty sure he shares bats with the pitchers.

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:
You thought that the 3am firing would be a gimme this week, didn’t you? Oh no, TWiB does not operate on the level of the obvious, gentle reader. Nay, the New York Mess is not even recognized as a legitimate major league franchise – I’m not 100% certain, but JackAstro’s patented Wikipedia Method has borne me out on this.

No, instead we go to Toronto, home of the looney, and by that, I mean J.P. Ricciardi. What kind of frakkin’ GM goes out and calls out an opposing player as soft, much less a slugger that is likely to hit the trade market? Oh, did I mention that Toronto is in desperate need of a DH?

Toronto ownership should have fired the man as soon as the interview was over. If that doesn’t demonstrate gross incompetence, I don’t know what does.

SnS THREAD OF THE WEEK:
Any time that HudsonHawk can recommend the best, and perhaps only, way to get through this losing streak, that has to be the pivotal moment. At least the team is 2-2 since that time.

However, I will take this opportunity to further expound on ESPiN’s commentary.

In June, the Astros have allowed 100 runs, just over the league average of 93. In that time, they have scored 66 runs, well under the league average of 86. And this is a team that was specifically constructed around offense? On the season, the Astros have allowed 369 runs, or a whopping 5% above the league average; their 332 runs scored are actually 3.2% below the league average.

In short – the offense better get their shit together, because they are the ones not living up to expectations.

MM’s ALL STAR BALLOT:
National League
C McCann (ATL)
1b Berkman
2b Utley (PHI)
SS Ramirez (FLA)
3b Jones (ATL)
OF McLouth (PIT)
OF Ludwick (STL)
OF Beltran (NYM)
P Volquez (CIN)

American League
C Mauer (MIN)
1b Youkilis (BOS)
2b Roberts (BAL)
SS Young (TEX) – this is a purely “lack of better options” vote
3b Rodriguez (NYY)
OF Hamilton (TEX)
OF Bradley (TEX)
OF Drew (BOS)
P Kazmir (TB)

3 UP:
1. Whoever is playing the Astros – this should be self-evident.

2. Detroit – Six in a row. Rid themselves of that dead Dontrelle weight. Only 6 games back in a shockingly crappy AL Central. Don’t write them off yet.

3. Cubs – 5-1 last week, 10-4 in June. They have no excuses – if they don’t Cub this thing up, they should absolutely walk away with the Central.

3 DOWN:
1. Cecil Cooper – he is absolutely in panic mode. 70 games in.

2. Dodgers – losers of 5 in a row. So at least we have that going for us.

3. Blue Jays – if you lose 2 of 3 to the worst team in baseball, and 2 of 3 at home to the Cubs (16-17 on the road), that’s a pretty bad week.

EN FUEGO:
Ryan Doumit returned from the DL to go 10-25 with 2 doubles, 4 HR, 7 RBI. Honorable mention to El Caballo, who quietly went 9-21 with 4 doubles and 2 HR, and Chien-Ming Wang for allowing just 1 run in 12 1/3 innings.

MY EYES! MY EYES!!
Houston pitchers, last 7 days:
54 IP, 43 R, 59 H, 29 BB, 14 HR, .370 OBPA, .535 SLGA.

Dishonorable mention: PENCE!!! and his 3-22 effort in the leadoff spot. Way to work that one through, Coop.

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:

I’m not taking anything away from any of the other guys; it’s just that when you’re [sic] regulars are not it, it seems like there’s not as high intensity of play. – Roy Oswalt, 6/15/08

OK, Roy, while you’re throwing your teammates and manager under the bus, let’s consider the following:

NL – Hits Allowed:
1. Roy Oswalt – 112

NL – HR Allowed:
1. Brett Myers – 20
2. Brandon Backe and Johnny Cueto – 18
3. Roy Oswalt – 17

NL – Runs Allowed:
1. Brett Myers – 61
2. Roy Oswalt – 60

NL – Total Bases Allowed:
1. Brett Myers – 197
2. Roy Oswalt – 188

Getting the picture, Roy?

NOTES FROM AROUND THE LEAGUE:
– I think I made my feelings toward the Red Messiah clear. But why all the current hubub around the Rays potentially acquiring him? If I told you the Astros were on he verge of obtaining a right fielder with a .245/.357/.392 line, in a hitters’ park no less, who also had a $4.5M buyout on a $16M option for next year, would you be giddy like a schoolgirl?

– Bravo to the Tanked Commander for not getting his panties all in a bunch over Eric the Red’s collision with Whichever Squatting Molina plays for him. Apparently .093 is only a complete douche nozzle during intradivision games.

– TWiB fully expects that next week’s edition will note a new manager for the Mets.

SnS Thread of the Week:
JackAstro thought that a blatant threadjack would compel the power of the slumpbuster. Unfortunately, too many folks did not properly understand his efforts, and the BBGs were not amused. I see a direct correlation here between this fiasco and Coop forgetting that Reggie Abercrombie was on his bench Friday.

CORRECTIONS:
– A post in the above-mentioned thread referred to television commentator Nancy Grace as one of the “last two women left on earth”. Nancy Grace is, in fact, a man, and SnS regrets the error.

Lastly, TWiB notes that the Astros are 3-9 since the inaugural edition of TWiB. The author accepts that correlation may imply causation in this case, and offers to light himself on fire (or maybe just discontinue the column) if this will appease the BBGs.

3 UP:
1. Padres: A four game sweep over the Mets? Stay classy, San Diego. Anyone that dumps those guys on their collective arsess is OK in my book, even if they’re assaulting my eyes in this “fashion”:
Camo? Really, guys?

2. Phillies: 6-1, including a 3 game sweep AT the House that Chipper Built, no small feat. The Phils are starting to assert themselves as Masters of Their Domain, and should be able to put the East away in the next couple of months.

3. White Sox: The mere thought that Ozzie’s rants could actually serve as a motivational tool make me want to vomit blood. Instead, I will go with the old “correlation does not imply causation” standby, and point out that their 6-0 homestand was a result of (a) coming home, and (b) playing teams in their own division. That starting pitching, though, looks awfully good.

3 DOWN:
1. Astros: I will rant further on this later.

2. Twins: 2-5 on the week. Much like the Astros, this may be a team that is regressing to its mean.

3. Nationals 1-6? At home?? Swept by the Giants?? A team batting line of .232/.308/.348 for the season?!?!?! This is a bad, bad baseball team. At least the Astros have 3 left with them in July.

EN FUEGO:
Apparently Ozzie did get under Joe Crede’s skin, as he mashed to an 11-18, 5 HR, 12 RBI tune this week. (Yes, a 2.222 OPS for a week is considered above average). Honorable mention to Milton Bradley, who controlled his rage long enough to go 11-23, 5 HR, 9 RBI plus 9 walks. He apparently detests all the attention that Josh Hamilton has been getting.

AAAH! My eyes!!!
I don’t mean to pick on a guy I loved when he was here, but 0-16, Mike Lamb? Ouch.

CHOCOLATE STARFISH OF THE WEEK:
We’ll stay close to home for this one.

Michael Bourn, you are the center fielder. You are faster than any man on the planet. You are flanked by two men who are not exactly Gold Glove material.

I want you to envision Kelly Leak. If you can get to the ball, it’s your play. I don’t care if it’s hurting anyone’s feelings, it beats the hell out of that carnival that was on display in the 7th inning yesterday.

(And don’t think you’re off the hook for this, PENCE!!!. You are NOT the central gardener any more. If you see the skinny blur coming towards you, it’s his ball.)

But if you guys are going to turn this into the Bad News Bears, then could we at least have this end this weekend with Joe Girardi slapping Joba for throwing at Lee, followed by Joba holding the ball to allow all runners to score while A-Rod and Jeter swing their purses at him?

NOTES FROM AROUND THE LEAGUE:

– Coco Crisp: an 0-18 slump does NOT excuse the shit you pulled against the Rays. Shields was well within his rights to dot you, and for you to come out after him showed no friggin’ knowledge of the game. No wonder the Sawks couldn’t move this guy in the offseason.

– Adios, John Smoltz. You weren’t as annoying as your teammates.

– From the “and the radio callers thought AE was bad??” department: Royal shortstops are batting .153 with no homers and nine RBIs, with 37 strikeouts and just nine walks. (Thanks to ESPN for the heads up.)

SnS KEY THREAD OF THE WEEK:
Truthfully, the most important event of the week for the organization was not on the field, but the Thursday-Friday MLB draft was absolutely critical. (Just pay no attention to my rantings, as I clearly need to cut down on the coffee.)

Duman, Jacksonian and co. provide the best perspective you’ll find outstide of the Astros’ own draft room, and you’ll do yourself a favor if you check it out.

CORRECTIONS:
– A June 4 post by this author indicated that the Chicago Cubs would eventually “trip over their own dicks.” In retrospect, this statement implied that the Cubs would be well-endowed to the extend that such an act were possible. As I am fairly certain that the Cubs’ own media guide indicates that no current Cub measures over 2″, my statement was clearly mistaken. SnS regrets the error.

– It appears that on multiple occasions, Albert Pujols has been referred to as a “cocksucker”. Anonymous sources have confirmed for us that Pujols acts only as the “pitcher” in his relationship with LaRussa. SnS greatly regrets any misunderstandings or discomfort that this may have caused Mr. Pooholes or Mr. LaRussa.

Welcome to a new, and possibly recurring, feature on Sns: a recap of the last week in the world of baseball – with an Astros focus, to be sure, but also spanning the globe to find the agony of a Cubs defeat.

Unfortunately, that was nowhere to be found for the week, so those diseased ursines lead off..

3 up:
1. The Cubs – 7-0 on the week. However, as has been referenced in the TZ, the Cubs are the beneficiaries of a favorable schedule. This 7-0 homestand came against the Dodgers and Rukkakkes, and they now stand at 21-15 against teams that are not in last place (and a figure-padding 15-6 against those that are, including 9-3 against the Black Knights of Pittsburgh.) 26-8 at home, 10-13 on the road. Payback’s a bitch, loveable losers.

2. The Rays – 5-2 on the week, including a 3 of 4 beatdown of the White Sox that caused Ozzie to bitch and moan, and his GM to tell him to open up a can of Shut the Hell Up. The Rays are also benefiting from a favorable home/road split, but they’re 5 games up on the next Wild Card contender behind the Red Sox. They’re for real, and anyone that causes ChiSox infighting is OK in my book.

3. The Reds – 5-1, including a sweep of the Braves. They’re quietly getting their shit together. More on this later.

3 down:
1. The Astros – like it would be anyone else?

2. The Rockies – hey, didn’t you go to the World Series last year? 0-7 last week. Actively shopping their best player. Unable to pitch (15 of 16 in ERA), hit (13 of 16), or to have any hope of competing this year (12 GB, worst in the NL).

3. The Braves – 2-5 on the week, 1-5 on the road. Now 7-21 on the road for the year. That’s just embarrasing.

En fuego:
Jay Bruce – yeah, this might be helping the Reds. Starting Corey Patterson in place of this guy would have been defensible if (a) Bruce hadn’t looked great all of last year, or (b) Corey Patterson didn’t suck to Clarkian levels. 13 for 22, 10 runs, 2 HR, 6 RBI, a .591/.690/1.000 line. Only that type of Berkmanesque performance could push out runner-up…
Albert Fucking Pujols – let’s just say if the Astros are playing the Jakes, this guy will show up here. .526/.609/1.105 for the week on 10 for 19 with 3 HR.

Too cold to hold:
Coco Crisp – mix in some Wheaties, man. 0 for 18, but the 2 walks were nice.

Chocolate starfish of the week
If I picked Ozzie Guillen, he’d win the damn thing every week. So I’ll split the award between Chacon, for losing his shit on the mound, and Coop, for totally overreacting.

SnS turning point of the week
On the afternoon of May 28, Noe came to sing the praises of the Astros’ lineup construction, which then evolved into discussion of the proper name for the Four Caballeros.

Since that time, the Astros have scored 6 runs in 5 games.

Dear BBGs: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.