Welcome to the 2nd “Annual” Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or as you know ’em and love ’em: The 2006 “Waldos”.

The few of you who can actually count probably realize that you should be reading the 4th edition of these awards. We could throw around a bunch of excuses (like Waldo taking a stab at writing them but getting discouraged that no one else thought crafting the awards in binary was a good idea) but the bottom line is something that you are all familiar with and aware of: We are a bunch of lazy bastards.

So instead of the best posts, takes and one-liners from only one year, we?re giving you nearly triple the funny as a regular Hall of Fame. Also, if you?re an award winner, you can consider yourself at least a 3-time award winner, which should make you a hit with the ladies while also looking sharp on a resume, or C.V. if you speak Latin.

Before we begin, the admins would like to thank all of the posters and lurkers, especially the 6 of you who aren?t moderators. You six make the board worth coming to at least every 3rd day with your witty observations and entendres. And you do it for none of the perks that the moderators get. But what?s a rub girl worth these days anyway. They?re liable to leave one of your windows open when you go out for breakfast while their dancer friends empty out your apartment. Not that I?m bitter.

So without further ado, here are your 2006 Waldos?

THE MOST INCREDIBLE PREDICTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE TZ
Kevin

The Houston Astros were in a tailspin in 2005 and the Houston Chronicle printed an obituary complete with a tombstone to pronounce the team’s playoff hopes dead. The TZ is dismal and in rushes Kevin with the following on 05/24/05:

“Maybe half an hour ago, after hearing JD say something like this is the worst start ever by an Astros team through this many games, I experienced a strange calm.

Call it a hunch or psychosis, but I am being led to predict that May 24 will represent a turning point for the club, for the better, by some measure.

So I’m just getting this posted as a matter of public record. Thanks for your time.”

Dude was dead spot on, as the Houston Astros not only made the postseason, but went all the way to the World Series. Players were asked about the miraclous turnaround to the season and to a man, they all said they reached rock bottom on 05/24 and from that day forth, they played their best baseball. Jason Stark even accented the prediction by offering up a column on ESPN.com right before the start of the World Series referencing 05/24 as the turning point date for Houston.

Awesome.

SOME FAVORITE TZ EXCERPTS
Various

Kevin – How in the hell do you break dance while dressed as a giant lima bean? Where do you put your legs? How do you hold yourself up?

HudsonHawk – Don’t ask me, I just recently found out that my “li’l red laptop” was really an Etch-A-Sketch.

Taras Bulba – Stain might have been a dick, but he could fart like a champion racehorse.

Alkie – Here, Carlos, show the jury on the Teddy Bear where it hurts.

HudsonHawk – On a side note, I wouldn’t toss him off either.

Jacksonian – I was planning on presenting him a lovely young ewe once the honeymoon/newlywed phase was complete.

Jim R – if i ever listen to Rome by mistake, i go to confession. that confuses the priest because i am a Methodist.

Limey – 7 saves in 8 opportunities. I bet you couldn’t wipe your arse eight times and not get shit on yourself more than once.

HudsonHawk – I’ll never look at chocolate mousse the same way again.

strosrays – “Basically, you swaggered out into the street at high noon, then promptly shot your nuts off drawing your pistol out of the holster.

Foghorn – Ohio is where you’d stick the hose if you wanted to give the US an enema.

Jim R – his “physical issue” is that his body has his head attached to it.

The Spleen – Introducing your 2007 Kansas Chicago Pirate Rays!

austro – Stay away from my left-handed, red-headed daughter.

Sphinx Drummond – Rita Cosby talks out her ass and her voice sounds like she wipes her butt with a porcupine.

Navin R Johnson – This blogger needs to call Mike Barrett for a reference on a good doctor to mend his broken pee pee.

MusicMan – Tom Arnold just called to say he thinks that’s fucked up.

JimR – if Mordecai Brown were Billy’s catcher, he would have two fingers too many.

MusicMan – The second move would be to have Jack Bauer torture the birds to find out who they were working for.

Limey – At least he didn’t blame God, who was clearly rooting for his opponent that day.

SoonerJim – Frankie say, “Relax.”

Homer – Biggio knows that Wagner trusts his stuff.

Don_mynack – I seem to remember him fighting Han Solo once. I know that Gary Busey tried to poke him with a stick once and paid the price.

OldBlevins – I think dreadlocks would be more likely to help his throwing.

Homer – Yes, but he makes a damn fine encyclopedia.

HudsonHawk – We got discussing Mexican whorehouses, which naturally turned the conversation to Alkie

Limey – I wasn’t a fan of the salt rim, but once I’d cleared a hole, I was hooked.

Taras Bulba – Is fantasy baseball a substitute for masturbation?

Golden Sombrero – I’m pro-2 way.

Limey – Highlight of the day? Nicky and a foot long hotdog.

The Spleen – I wouldn’t hit that with a rented dick…

Alkie – If “burning someone in effigy” isn’t really “breaking the law,” then why in the world would “burning someone in kerosene” be any different?

Senor Stan – Like feeding mayonnaise to tuna fish.

BEST TALE OF MISSPENT YOUTH
Dobro

Sounds like the ol’ gal I picked up one night at Triggers in Kenefick. We bought a case of Keystone (said it was her favorite) and a bottle of Strawberry Hill at the closest shop that sold suds. Next thing I knew, we were tuggin’ on the Boones, shotgunnin’ the Keystone, and headed to Saratoga to see the “light” (she said it was romantic). By the time we got to Saratoga, I was three sheets to the wind and don’t remember much about the game of Twister that we played in the backseat of her mother’s Gremlin. A few hours later, as we sat on the side of a dirt road that was about 9 miles long waiting for the ever elusive “light”, we talked about our chemistry, what we would name our kids, and other things of the sort. With sweet thing behind the wheel and about a half tank of gas, we left the excitement that is Saratoga with a mobile home park on the outskirts of Hardin set firmly in our sights. She was chompin’ at the bit to show me off to her sister-in-law, who was not only her best friend, but her skeet-shooting partner at the Hull-Daisetta Fall Festival. Who was I to argue? With the Gremlin wound up tighter than Dick’s hat band, we screamed through the streets of Sour Lake at close to 20mph over the limit and not a care in the world…until we passed Johnny Law pulling out of the local laundromat. As he flipped on his bubble gum machines, she panicked and dropped the hammer. I said, “Now hold on darlin’. What in the hell are you doin’?” Her speech was shaken and she was crying, but I managed to cipher a few words here and there as I held on for dear life. I clearly heard her say something about not being old enough to drive and her daddy being a Liberty County deputy. Well, ol’ Dobro boy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday either. With the officer about a quarter mile behind us, I forced her to whip the Gremlin into the Dairy Queen parking lot and I bailed out and hit the ground runnin’. Off throught the piney woods I went for what seemed like a country mile before I came out on a 2 lane road that turned out to be Highway 105. Shirtless and with one shoe on, I managed to flag down some road lizard driving a log truck for Paul Brockner out of Cleveland. She closely resembled Limey’s mom, so I immediately felt comfortable and at ease. She turned her Marshall Tucker tape down and told me that she was headed to Weimar. I asked her if she would drop me off on Memorial Drive on her way through the city and she agreed. Sad thing is I left my damn wallet in the Gremlin during my slapdash exit and 48 hours later Dobro was on his way back to East Texas…in the back of a patrol car.

BEST METHOD OF ATTRACTING WOMEN
Drew, Foghorn

Drew – Only there’s nothing really to say other than the wonderment that is unfolding here is quite the sight to be seen.

Foghorn – Why are you unfolding your wonder meat?

Drew – For the ladies my man. For the ladies.

BEST ESTIMATION OF PHIL GARNER?S WORTH
Budgirl

Andyzipp ? BudGirl, Garner never showed up for his interview.

Budgirl ? Guess they told him he wasn?t worth a hummer.

BEST TALKZONE HEALTH DISCLAIMER
Taras Bulba

Yes, Waldo, many thanks for your hard work and the site is indeed impressive. However, since I registered, my bank account has been frozen and i’m receiving tons of gay porn and Cialis pop ups (NTTAAWWT). But after Jim R. checks in with his first “Fuck Off” it will all be worth it.

BEST SHAUNE BAGWELL TAKE
EasTexAstro

Suggested Slogans for advertising on the former Mrs. Bagwell?s Profundities

“If you can read this, you need to back away slowly”
“This side up”
“Warning: Overexposure could cause impotence”
“If this turns you on, you don’t need Viagra”
“Where’s the beef?”
“Long-haired, Freaky people need not apply”
“What can Brown do for you?”
“The right stuff; the right price”
“It’s our turn”
“Help support the victims of disaster”
“Press here to donate”
“The good hands people”
“What’s in your wallet?”
“Computer: $1000. High Speed internet: $30. eBay account: $10. Selling ad space on your boobs: classless”
“Is it in you?”
“Not going anywhere for a while?”
“Want to get away?”
“The best part of waking up”
“It’s the real thing”
“Meet the Fockers”
“Farfednuggen”
“Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”

BEST BABLEFISH TRANSLATION
Andyzipp

We?re not sure how you win an award for cutting and pasting something into bablefish, but somehow this counts. At the very least it gave ?jugador of the five herramientas? to the world.

To listen to each one of the supplies

Thursday, 28 of October of 2004
By Fernando Ribas Kings

CARLOS BELTR?N arrived last night and Scott Boras will arrive in two weeks, and followed several could come from the equipment that is interested in the tradeable central gardener.

The ‘jugador of the five herramientas’ it returned last night to Puerto Rico, one week after to have lived postemporada that exposed it to all the American market and that left him like one of the main ones – if not best the free agents in the dead season.

“I thank to God that it I could do at the moment adecuado,” Beltr?n said, that added that it was surprised of how well could play in that stage of the season.

Beltr?n said that the name of its family and God could put the stop and added that, next to that pedestal, the name of Puerto Rico and its native Manat? also cheered putting stop to him.

And to that it did not fail to him either went to his agent, Scott Boras, to that much more, in fact, will make the work easy, because the performance whom it had its client is for ‘echar itself for atr?s’.

And after him, Beltr?n said, also must come the interested equipment.

“Mi agent comes in two semanas,” Beltr?n said.

“Los equipment is going to come to Puerto Rico. I do not know when, but in the free agency they go to venir,” Beltr?n said.

The Stars of Houston are one of the equipment that could come, although Beltr?n said that the management of the equipment had not communicated him anything to the respect in the days that was ’empacando’ its luggage in Houston.

From being thus, also they could come to Puerto Rico representing of the Puppies of Chicago, of the Filis de Filadelfia and, naturally, of the Yankees of New York, the equipment with which has said that it would play and the one that, is said, had the money to pay the pelotero promoted one.

The Puppies and the Filis were mentioned by Beltr?n to their arrival to Puerto Rico because they are equipment that has let know how the interest to him to obtain a central gardener of their quality.

“Houston is an equipment that I am going to consider mucho,” it commented on the equipment that that has said it will do everything what is about to to its reach to retain to number 15.

“Vamos to listen to them all, the Cubs and Filadelfia, that are trying to look for a gardener central,” it added. “Los Yankees shone well in the offensive. I believe that the problem of them was pitcheo,” it said letting understand that the main priority of the Yankees is to contract throwing, nonplayers of position.

“Hay many equipment interested in uno.”

On a press conference to his arrival to the Island, it was insisted to him to Beltr?n that gave details on how many years and of whichever money it wanted to assure his contract.

Beltr?n never has signed a multiannual contract in the six seasons that have played in the Great Leagues, five and average with the Real ones of Kansas City. To his 27 years it seems to be ready to make sure by several years.

What it did not say was until when and by how much.

“Lo more than pueda,” it said on the years of duration of the contract. “El money that is, would be a surprise for m?,” it added the pelotero that gained $9 million in the 2004.

The postemporada one already arrived. The free agent already arrived at Puerto Rico. Now the table is made… the one of Christmases and the one of ne gociaciones.

MOST CONCISE DESCRIPTION OF THE ASTROS FREE AGENT STRATEGY
pravata

This probably needs to be updated with ?Owns or would like to own a Ranch.?

History of injury, check, native, check, might sign for cheap, check, crap shoot, check.

BEST FFA SLAM
strosrays

I didn’t realize Scottish sheep had lights. The East Texas one’s don’t…which was probably a good thing for the FFA boys back in high school, who used to put on their cuffed pants in the evening and go ‘mingle’ with the flock.

BEST MARGARET WISE BROWN RIP-OFF
Andyzipp

Good Night Mets

In a shit, shit park,
There was a big red apple,
Just like a balloon,
And a picture of,
Pedro, a jericurled baffoon.
And a fan with Zmed hair,
Trying to steal her chair.
And old Trach pitchin’.
And a former Brave bitchin’.
And little Fishy Looper.
And a catcher who likes it in the pooper.
And a Kris, with a rash,
from his wife, skanky trash.
And a central gardener who was whispering “cash”.

Good night Mets.
Good night goons.
Good night apple balloon.
Good night jericurled buffoon.
Good night gaggle of Zmed hairs.
Good night former Brave…nobody cares.
Good night Floyd and good night Looper.
Good night catcher, plug in his pooper.
Good night Kris and Good night rash.
Good night empty seats.
Good night wifey trash.
And good night to the central gardener whispering “cash”.
Good night planes, Good night subway fare,
Good night Shitheads every where.

MOST ZAPRUDER-LIKE DESCRIPTION
Jackstro

Wasn’t that just fucking perfect? I backed it up and watched it about a dozen times, and every single time Carlo$ made the half-hearted grab of the ball, I had to go to slow-mo to pinpoint the exact moment that his spirit breaks. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight………….. there.

Yep, that’s the moment that the “why did I do it” chatter that’s been getting louder in the back of his head finally shoved his inner Boras out of the way and grabbed the reins. All the pent-up angst over being booed, all the anxiety over the constant locker room advances from Piazza, having to look at Pedro’s greasy fucking mop day after day after day AFTER FUCKING DAY…

The cameras cut away, but I like to imagine him sobbing gently, alone in right-center, wondering why he isn’t the one in the middle of the man-slapping lovefest at home plate. Why the goddamn uppity Ivy Leaguer with no stick is the hero, as he’s left to dry his beautiful, marketable eyes with crisp $10,000 bills.

It continues like this for some time, but you get the idea. That’s how it looked on my Tivo, anyway, but I had quite a few St. Arnies before the 9th. What’d it look like to everyone else?

MOST WELL-ARTICULATED VENOM FOR CUBFAN
Joey Trum

loveable losers loveable losers loveable losers. there’s a certain personality flaw in certain people that just happens to be manifested in the concept of cub fan. it’s analogous to a recent article in the SF weekly about how retarted people are drawn to Huey Lewis and the News. there’s just something comforting about the cubs to certain personality-challenged individuals across our great nation. it’s not unlike the congregation of a joel osteen or that weird lady with the big hair, the cubs give the weak-willed among us a sense of empowerment. the cubs offer an excuse for the helpless idiocy demonstrated in the dumbfuck daily lives of so many. the cubs give an identity (even an outfit) to these people, a way of life through which they can feel special. the cubs offer an endlessly comforting message to its followers, “it’s okay if you’re an idiot. it’s alright if you’re a poser. we’re here to help you celebrate your meaninglessness. you may be a loser, but you’re loveable too.”

the cubs are, to me, the sports equivalent of all those power pop (or pop punk) bands you see and hear these days on Fuse network and on the radio (Simple Plan, Good Charlotte etc.). just as those bands offer a conformist’s version of individualism, the cubs offer a way to be different without actually being different at all. those types of bands co opt past images of the musical counterculture (punk haircuts, piercings, tatoos, metal attitudes, ambigious drug and sex references), and recycle them in a catchy, easy to digest format that requires no familiarity with the past and no concept of the future. thus, people can feel like they’re from the counterculture without ever going anywhere near it. the cubs similarly package classic images of devotional sports fandom & celebration of competition into an easy-to-follow code of ethics that doesn’t require any testable knowledge of the past or any of the emotional turmoil that usually comes with rooting for a sports team. and just as with the pop punk bullshit, occassionally something will come along like a green day american idiot that gives a convincing illusion of quality while only really serving to further blind its followers to the richness of the past and the deeper nuances of the present, the cubs have stuff like the ’03 season, ron santo, ernie banks with his “mr. cub” hat, mark grace, sammy the clown etc. that reinforces cub fan’s special feelings about itself by canonizing the predictably unpredictable moments of success.

as i’ve said before, the only real cub fan (the only ones immune from my argument) are men (or women) of polish descent who look like they have bowling balls strapped around their wastes, who put old style in their cereal, who eat bratwurst in the shower, and who have a steady stream of convincing insults ready to fire at white sox fans. i have no problem with these people. they are the real cub fans. everybody else is worthless, and should find something else to do during the offseason of american idol than inflate the ratings of wgn.

BEST ACT OF CONTRITION TO THE BBGS
Alkie

Baseball Gods, Are You There? It’s Me, Alkie.

You don’t know me, but I’m a big fan. You see, I don’t believe in superstition. I don’t believe in religion. I don’t believe in fate or destiny or things happening for a “reason.” I believe you make your own luck. I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman’s back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. I believe that the Astros losing another home series to the Cubs will actually cause me to vibrate until my organs burst. I believe in forcing my wife to call in sick so we can drive 767 miles across the biggest goddamn (real) state in the union to watch two baseball games. I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. I believe Alou was safe at 3rd. I believe Bill Spiers was the greatest utility player of all time. I believe Hatcher’s homerun went 8,000 feet. I believe GameFive was somewhere between the birth of my daughter and the day I met my wife. I don’t believe in heaven, but I do believe in Hell. I believe good pitching beats good hitting, unless it doesn’t. I believe in playing to win, not playing not to lose. I believe in Gar, and Baggy, and Bidge, and Cruuuz, and that fat, lazy, head-up-his-ass tub of goo who keeps hitting big HRs the last week.

I also believe in you, Gods of Baseball. I believe I erred (E-Alkie?) last week when I purchased NLDS tickets behind the plate with money I didn’t have, a week before we even could have clinched. I apologize. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t cool. “My bad.”

All I ask is this. One more chance. I deserve it. You took my World Series Game 4 and 5 tickets away from me and my wife last year, but I didn’t leave.

So, today…when you’re trying to decide if Rocket pulls his hammy in the top of the 2nd and whether or not I have to watch Zeke Astacio try to put us in the playoffs, remember this: you still have the chance to make a little Braves fan cry again. And really…isn’t that what it’s all about?

Thank you.

Love,
Alkie

MOST OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN ?LETTER TO THE EDITOR? WRITING
Craig the Bastard

Dear Mr. Madden,

I realize that the only time New Yorkers think of the Houston Astros is when you’re making up rumors about a trade for Roger Clemens. Or when we no-hit the Yankees. Or when the Mets sign away our free agent outfielder and catapult into the playoffs.

And I also understand why New Yorkers would be upset about the Red Sox naming themselves co-champions of the division. Because the exact same thing happened to the Astros in 2001, but not as you described it.

You wrote today: “At game’s end, the Green Monster scoreboard minions had dutifully moved “Boston” on top of “New York” in the final AL East standings. That’s what the Houston Astros did in 2001 when they were the wild card to the National League Central champion St. Louis Cardinals, a gesture that to this day still rankles Cards manager Tony La Russa.”

Now, as an Astros fan, I already know this is total BS. The ASTROS won the NL Central in 2001. But just to be sure, here’s a story from MLB.com that explains it:

The Link

Here’s a quote: “The two teams finished the season at 93-69, but the Astros won the season series 9-7 and therefore are the division champions while the Cardinals are the Wild Card team.”

The ASTROS were the 2001 NL Central champs, and the Co-ardinals named themselves Co-champs. (And the Co-Ardinals’ move was supported and encouraged by the MLB marketing geniuses, I might add.) Imagine the Astros’ surprise when they got to Busch the next year and saw the “Co-Champions” banner. A sight Yankee fans will now get to enjoy in perpetuity at Fenway.

Still, maybe I’m missing something here. I mean, I’m just some hayseed Astros fan who knows how to use the internet. So I used my extensive Google skills (searched for “2001 NL Central co-champions”) and verified in 1.71 seconds that yes, in fact, the Co-Ardinals were actually the 2001 NL Wildcard.

So I’d love to hear how that fact “to this day still rankles Cards manager Tony La Russa.”

Maybe you could call and ask him about it. You must have misunderstood him the first time.

– Craig xxxxx
Las Vegas, NV

BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp

Actually, I’ve always wondered about Jim’s career as a towncrier.

“9 o’clock and Fuck Off! 9 o’clock and Fuck Off!”

QUICKEST NATURAL EVOLUTION OF A NICKNAME
Limey, pravata

Limey: Berkman is ripped. he only looks podgy because of the numerous bags of sunflower seeds he has stashed in his uni.

Pravata: He’s a homerun hitting vending machine.

MOST WELL-FOUNDED FEAR OF SPACK MCGRIMM
The Spleen

After a tremendous amount of Clarkfestation, followed by a Spack McGrimm rampage, most of the TZ was put on Defcon 5 red alert. This caused The Spleen to opine:

Can’t sleep! Spack will eat me!

BEST EARLY 80’S PORN REFERENCE
The Third Man

I don’t know how anybody can presume to get into Lidge’s mental state anymore than I can figure out what Seka was thinking when Ron Jeremy was astride her like a furry avalanche.

BEST DESCRIPTION OF WESTERN OHIO IN APRIL
pravata

They’re kind of excitable in Cincinnati right now. They can’t decide whether being in first in April has any meaning. They want it to but they keep hedging. They’re excited about beating Oswalt and lifting “The Curse”. Sounding like they’re mounting a revival of “No, No, Nanette”. That Phillips guy has them running in smaller and smaller concentric circles. They’ve got Bronson Arroyo pitching on short rest like it’s the playoff. To put it succiently, they’re dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots they’re so excited about not being crappy.

BEST TRADE SUGGESTION
Astrojo

I bet the guys on the team would trade Gallo for V.D. and a round of penicillin shots.

BEST WINDOW INTO HIS OWN LIFE
EasTexAstro

Morgan is just like a married man at the beach.

He just watches’em go by, saying “I’d hit that.”

RUNNER-UP WINDOW INTO HIS OWN LIFE
HudsonHawk

You have to remember, I’m also the one who has this fantasy involving Katie Couric, Rachel Ray and a bottle of baby oil on a sheetless waterbed.

BEST REFLECTION ON COLLEGE STATION, TX
Lefty, pravata, MusicMan

pravata: That kind of thing never leads anywhere good. The Santana deal was just one of those things. I noted it in inarticulate, non-judgemental aggravation.

Lefty: I believe your quote on a similar subject was “That way lies madness.” I was interested more for reasons of morbid curiosity than of fingerpointing and assflapping.

pravata: That’s how it always starts. All innocent like. Pretty soon, somebody loses a finger and somebody’s horse is pregnant. Every time.

MusicMan: Aaah, Friday nights in College Station.

THE ?WHAT’S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?? AWARD
Various

At least once a year, some Clark wants to know the Zone Dwellers? answers to the provocative question, ?What Brings You Here? ?

MusicMan: Heard it referenced on the 610 morning show. The first hit was free.

strosrays: Well, I have a ranch in the area, so. . .

Houston: I don’t remember how I found this site, but I am a little disturbed at how this site keeps finding me.

strosrays: OWA just happens to be one island in the vast sea where the bullshit meter is set low, and the first instinct when some yahoo like Ass- er, Barzilla wanders in with his weak-ass shit is to whack him over the head with a carp. Or a garfish. Or whatever the virtual equivalent is. Repeatedly.

MOST DEFINITIVE DECLARATION OF THE FOOTER INFALIBILITY DOCTRINE
JackAstro

I just want to clarify that I don’t think there’s even a remote chance that Footer has ever been wrong. She is far too dreamy for that to even be plausible. If anything, she may occasionally be victimized by complex typos that appear to be misinformed, but are actually the fault of either the technology or her editor.

YOU CAN LEAD A PIG TO SLOP BUT?
HudsonHawk

After numerous attempts to explain Jason Lane’s waiver situation fell on deaf ears?

Fine. Don’t believe me. Wallow in ignorance.

THE ?WHERE’S A CARP WHEN YOU NEED ONE?? AWARD
Limey

On the issue of what we weighed in our youth?

I used to weigh in at 185lbs, and was once described as “deft” (to which I, of course, replied “Pardon?”).

MEDICAL ADVICE OF THE YEAR
JackAstro

On not aggravating a groin strain?

Berkman is way too savvy to aggravate the injury. He’s going to move the ding-dongs, twizzlers and snack mix that were strapped to his ankles and calves up to his midsection, to avoid tweaking the groin on a hasty stretch for foodstuffs. He may not have what you would call “situational awareness” at times, but the man knows how to manage his snacks.

BEST DESCRIPTION OF ANGEL HERNANDEZ’S VERSITILITY
MusicMan

Yes, but the difference is that Angel is disrespectful AND incompetent.

THE ONLY STORY ABOUT MIA HAMM?S SISTER EVER POSTED IN THE TZ
Alkie

We (our gang of morons) were at this party that was mostly athletes (male and female) and their others at UT. I got invited thru my roommate at the time, who was best friends with most of the guys on the tennis team (most of whom he grew up playing against in SA).

Anyway, we were at this party and all the single guys seemed to be taking turns hitting on the 5’8 brunette bombshell (who was in ridiculously good shape) by the wine table. Everyone was striking out.

As is the way with women, she knew I was not out “looking” at the time (I had just broken up with a particularly difficult girl the week before) and started talking to me. I was my general charming jackass self. She laughed at all the jokes, we shared cheese and a glass of terrible wine. I told her I was going to a ska show that night and she insisted she come with me. Oh, at this point, I had absolutely no idea who she was.

In the middle of talking to her, my best friend Mark comes out and says “you won’t believe what Matt’s doing in there.” (Matt is the Drink That Boone’s Baby guy).

Matt had a slight problem with depression and apparently still refused to take his meds. Matt was sitting in a chair, in the middle of the living room, with a white towel draped over his head, crying. Apparently, he had become some sort of a shrine at the party and drunk athletes would come by and throw pennies at his stomach, then make a wish.

When it was time to leave, hours later, he walked over to ask if he could come to the show. She looked at him. Looked at me. Looked at him. Looked at me and said “HE’S going with you??” (she didn’t know the guy with the towel was in our group).

She said she had to meet some friends, but gave me her phone number.

As we got into Nick’s car to leave the party, he gave me that “nice work, buddy” pat on the leg that pitching coaches give relievers. I asked him what the fuck that was for and he congratulated me on getting Mia Hamm’s sister’s phone number. I had literally no idea.

I called her and spoke to Mia Hamm’s father, who told me she had gotten married (this was the next night) and not to bother calling anymore.

It was pretty fantastic, and the sort of thing beer commercials are made from.

BEST DESCRIPTION OF SPACK MCGRIMM THAT IS LIKELY TO CAUSE SPACK TO EAT HIS OWN SPLEEN
Limey

The Master of the Revels despises us all for vagrants and peddlers of bombast.

BEST UNDERSTANDING OF HIS OWN LEGACY
Kevin

After the Astros had to go to St. Louis and take Game 6 because Brad Lidge blew Game 5 at home, Kevin rushed into the TZ to offer hope to all those in dispair, literally offering a guarantee of a Roy Oswalt win. Oddly this is only his second best prediction.

“Like Moses, it is important to stand at the shore of the Red Sea where the people can see me and have hope.”

BEST JUSTIFICATION OF DONTRELLE WILLIS? ARREST RECORD
Andyzipp, pravata

Andyzipp: Marriage will make you do all sorts of things in the streets.

pravata: I think we all can relate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve found myself, 4:30 in the morning, pissing on my Bentley.

JESUS? OPS HAS TO 1.000, DOESN?T IT?
Taras Bulba

Satan pitched him low and away but Jesus was able to lay off that stuff. He walks a lot. Sometimes on water.

The BARD OF THE ZONE AWARD
strosrays

The World Series is long gone, as is The Rocket, of course
And the front office boys they’re all trying to endorse
The tired and hoary tactic of ?staying the course?
But the town has a need to be nervous.

The ghost of Bagwell?s shoulder gives the cynics fits
Ortiz alone has already been through several snits
While we all think longingly of Yvette Caceras? tits
The local paper has the job to alert us.

Jesus is in a quandry
He ain’t got no news
Justice is a ninny
?Cause he don?t want to choose
I’m lining the bottom of this cage
With the Tombstone Blues.

BEST SOUTHIE IMMITATION
OldBlevins

Hey, Rahah, yah f***in’ f***, why da f*** doncha come back here to pitch? F***IN’ SOX RULE!!!

BEST CAREER ADVICE
Foghorn

To Waldo, on his burdgeonning radio career?

See if you can work the phrase “slop jar full of nuts” in somehow.

BEST DRESSING DOWN OF A CLARK’S SUGGESTION
pravata

No, he’s tried cortisone injections, having his shoulder scraped, pins put in his shoulder, he’s tried having fake cartilage injections, he’s tried lasiks, (but only after his wife had it first), he had a piece of armour especially designed for his left hand, he’s tried shot putting the ball, running the ball in, flipping it to Richard Hidalgo for him to throw, he’s tried creatine, weight lifting, changing his stance, growing an Amish beard, orange sunglasses, he’s thought about throwing left handed (for a half a second while trying not to laugh),he’s considered retiring, being traded to the American League, becoming a free agent, he’s defied Lloyd’s of London, Drayton Mclane, and howling packs of call in show goons, but I’ve never heard whether he’s considered throwing sidearm.

MOST DIRECT WARNING FROM AN ADMIN
HudsonHawk

Do not insult the board, or I will beat the living shit out of you.

WORST SUGGESTION FOR JEFFREY ROBERT BAGWELL
Otterj

I’d like to suggest to the Astro organization that they bring a sphincter specialist into spring training. That way, Bagwell could just cut a hole in back of his pants and after placing the ball back there, simply shoot it out of his ass to second base. Odds are, he hasn’t thought of this possibility yet.

EXACTLY WHY THAT WAS THE WORST SUGGESTION FOR JEFFREY ROBERT BAGWELL
Craig the Bastard

Holy Toledo, Baggy shat a blue star on that one! It looked like a can of corn, but he shitlelaghed it to over to turd base just in time. Boy oh boy, Baggy’s really swingin’ the wagongate today.

SUBJECT LINE OF THE YEAR
Trey

Joey Gathright apparently looks like a telephone

MOST COLORFUL DESCRIPTION OF HUDSONHAWK?S EATING HABITS
Davek

Actually it was an official 2005 commemorative pretzel… Took HH nigh on 3 innings to gnaw it into submission…A bit like watching a terrier at work on one of those oversized rawhide bones…

BEST HANDLEY RAMIREZ TAKE
Limey

As discussed in the latest Series Preview, Handley Ramirez had a hard time coming to grips with the bigs. Maybe his hands were a bit slippery, but he was juggling balls all over the place. He almost got two at one point, however, by taking one in the throat.

He’ll get less tight with experience, I’m sure, and will soon be rounding the bases like a pro.

BEST TAKE INVOLVING SPELLING
JaneDoe, Limey, HurricaneDavid, lc_db, austro

JaneDoe: Ensberg has a staph infection

Limey: It’s spelled with a “ph”?

HurricaneDavid: That’s just how the hip youngsters spell it these days, like “phat.”

lc_db: So telling Clarks to phuck off would be cool?

austro: WPHW

BEST REASON FOR A WALL ON THE BORDER
UpTooLate

My barnyard animal comes from Mexico so she doesn’t have any photo id. On the bright side, I got her in the red light district and she does tasks that American barnyard animals are unwilling to do.

I AM HE AS YOU ARE ME AS WE ARE ALL TOGETHER
strosrays

One possible solution occurred to me over the weekend — when referring to yourself and your favorite team collectively (if you must), employ Jamaican/Rastafarian patois.

“I and I were nearly swept by the Reds.”
“I and I need some pitching help, mon.”

This does two things: it takes the red flag “we” out of the equation, and somehow it confers more personal accountability onto the user.

“I and I should’ve signed Carlos Beltran, mon.”

“Oh yeah. Well, why the hell didn’t you?”

(NOTE: To Biggio and others – continue to use “we” when referring to yourself and any small rodent you may have somewhere on your person.)

BEST ADVICE ABOUT NYC
L.I. Bill

Couple of suggestions when using the subways.
– That critter climbing around on the tracks is not a large armadillo, it’s a small rat.
– The guy sitting near you talking into his lapel does not neccessarily have a hands-free cell phone.

BECAUSE REAL PLAYERS DON?T WEAR PINK
Craig the Bastard

If the Pink Bats for Breast Cancer thing catches on?

And on Father’s Day they’re going to make semen-colored bats to raise awareness for prostate cancer. You don’t want to know about Colon Cancer Awareness Day.

BEST ADVICE IN REGARDS TO TRUSTING ONE?S STUFF
Homer

Clearly you don’t have your best stuff right now Joey. You’re not spotting your Clarks and your sarcasm doesn’t have the same bite. I don’t think you have mentally recovered from the last parade of Clarks that you gave the benefit of the doubt. You need to try harder to trust your stuff and be more like that dominant thread closer Spack.

MIXED METAPHOR OF THE YEAR
HudsonHawk

I’m not spell checking, but those who brag about their IQ probably should. I’m just saying…those who live in glass houses shouldn’t complain about the neighbors watching them masturbate in the shower.

BEST RESPONSES TO A TROLLS QUESTION
Various

IndianAstro asked: ?How did you become an Astros fan?? in an attempt to embed himself in the TalkZone

Ty in Tampa: That’s a great question. When I was a kid, my parents ran away to a hippie nudist commune and left me with my mom’s parents who resented the hell out of me so they kept me locked in an upstairs room 21 hours of the day. The only time I got to spend out of the room was when the Astros were on TV so I kinda got to liking them then. When I stabbed my grandfather with a kitchen knife, that all ended but I still got to see the Astros at the juvenile detention center when I was on good behavior, which was not alot of the time. When my mom ran off with the yoga instructor, my dad came back and got me out of juvi and the first thing he did was take me to a bar, where the Astros game was on. That pretty much solidified my love of the Astros.

strosrays: I was just coming into sexual awareness – about age 5 – and John Bateman was the Astros’ catcher. Strong, stolid, low OPS but good mechanics – I naturally fixated on him, and his team. Some of my most fevered memories of my early pubescence one way or another involve John Bateman, squatting behind the plate and giving hand signs from between his legs. My pre-adolescence was shattered, then, when I came home from 2nd grade one day and heard that Bateman had been left exposed (oooh, exposed, I thought) by Spec Richardson to the expansion draft, and had been taken, just had been willfully taken, by some foreign team called the Expos. Then Spec brought in some new catcher, a lefty, from out of Cincinnati. Probably was gifted, too, but my early obsession with Bateman could not be overcome, and I began to really resent this Johnny Edwards guy. Later, my adolescent shrink told me it was what was called in the profession an Edwipal complex.

Guinness: one day (and that day may never come) I was taking my socks to the cleaners when they got mixed in the laundry with some pumpkins and they turned orange. Since there were teams called white sox and red sox, but no orange sox, I had to look for a team to support. A man with a turban riding on a flaming pie flew down and said “From now on you shall support the Astros of Houston”, and I said Thank you Mister Man, then he tried to sell me insurance but I didn’t buy it (although I did eat the pie…mmm….pie…..). Since this happened in 1933, I had to wait to be borned, but once I was, boy howdy….!

JackAstro: Some folks say I was born a fan. Others claim it happened when a lightning strike left me with a freakish orange stripe of hair running through my otherwise dark brown locks. Still others tell the tale of a young boy who began following the team through an intoxicating blend of geographic proximity and paternal influence. Me? I think it happened the night I walked in on my mom “turning a double play” with Craig Reynolds and Billy Doran. Or was it Scrap Iron and Dickie Thon? The years since have really blurred the memory for me, but I do know that it wasn’t Denny Walling, because, you know, that would’ve been a little weird.

BEST RECAP OF EVERY CARL DUKES RADIO SHOW
Joey Trum

I know a guy named Carl something, Carl Dudes I think, who’d probably be able to help you. Give him a call some time, but be prepared because he’s probably gonna ask you what your choices are. Don’t worry though, anything you say will be okay, and you’ll probably receive a good-natured chuckle from ol’ Carl. He might even ask some of his friends to give their opinions on the subject of your query, and it could stoke a pretty deep dialectic. Good luck with your journey, Indiana Astro. God speed. I know that some day you will ease your flummoxed mind and find out who indeed is the most overrated and most underrated Astro. You must discover the truth Indiana, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, stop until you have found it. But be careful, because there are those out there who do not want you to find it. These people might seem like your allies, they might even seem like your best friend, but you must not let them derail you. You must stay true to your vision, stay true to your quest, keep asking this question and do not accept false answers. Ask ask ask until the world becomes so tired of hearing it, so tired of giving diversionary non-commital platitudes, that they have no choice but to give the truth to you, no choice but to squeeze out the answer, the revelation of who indeed is the most underrated and most overrated astro.

BEST RIDICULE OF THE PINWHEEL
IndianaAstro, Gizzmonic, pravata

IndianaAstro: In your opinion, who is the mose underrated Astro? Who is the most overrated Astro?

Gizzmonic: Dick Justice, is that you?

pravata: Only way to tell is if he answers Chris Burke to half of the question, then, wait 3 days, he answers Chris Burke to the other half of the question.

MOST ARTICULATE TAKE FROM FREDIA
TheWalrusIsAl, Fredia

TheWalrusIsAl: Anybody else notice that the Astros have worn the Sunday red jerseys for every game of the current road trip?

Fredia: maybe it is to cover up the bleeding

EXHIBIT A ON WHY WE DON?T GET MORE OF THE BFIB IN THE TZ
JackAstro

foulpoleincenter: He (Edmonds) baits or tries to bait people into running on him quite often. And the ball was there in plenty of time to get Burke at 3rd.

JackAstro: Fair enough. Let’s assume that you’re right. Let’s all believe that Edmonds was not in fact whipping out his compact to touch up for the cameras, and was not in any way caught unawares. Let’s accept that he had a diabolical master plan to lure young Chris Burke into a carefully laid trap at third. Because he does this QUITE OFTEN. He then is not lazy, after all. He is a fucking idiot. Because he has all of 6 outfield assists this year, which is good enough to be tied for 44th among outfielders. So in all the many, many times he has executed his crafty ploy this season, it has worked for him 6 times at the very most. Perhaps LaGenius should pull him aside and alert him that regularly giving runners free bases in the hopes of occasionally securing an out is not a tremendously effective way to win ballgames. Though I’m sure all the times his little bait trick didn’t work are mostly the fault of bad tags and poor umpiring. No doubt he should keep trying until he gets it just right.

2006 TAKE OF THE YEAR
strosrays

In response to Bizidydizidy’s unwillingness to admit his implied unfounded accusation that Kip Wells took steroids leading to his blood clot and repeated backpedaling from the accusation and the subsequent responses from a number of users calling him on it.

Perhaps this can made into a template and put in the FAQs.

Step 1 – Log in

Step 2 – Post a stupid, unsupportable message

Step 3 – Get hammered for it

Step 4 – Come back and say your original message didn’t really say what it says, or doesn’t say what it appears to everyone else but you it says

Step 5 – Get hammered for it

Step 6 – Come back and try to defend to original premise, the one you disowned in Step 4

Step 7 – Get hammered for it

Step 8 – Come back and say you are misunderstood, that you did not say what you said, or mean what you meant… but if you had, you would’ve been right, anyway. Give evidence to support this.

Step 9 – Get hammered for it

Step 10 – Take the high road, and say ‘I am done with this’, in a lofty way

Step 11 – Get hammered for it

Step 12 – Come back in (presumably on a lower road) and say, ‘Yes I was done with this, but…’ and proceed to rehash arguments made in Steps 4, 6, and 8

Step 13 – Get hammered for it

At this point, you can quit in indignant exasperation, or put in a go loop here and start the thing all over again. Either way, congratulations! You are now an OWA troll. ”

ASTRO WHO WE MOST WISH WERE OUR ASTROS BUDDY
Lance Berkman

Lots of fansites like to give out MVP awards, but the AWWMWWOAB is given out for a different set of reasons. This year, without a doubt, no one has provided better topics of conversation, and better yet quotes than one Lance Berkman. Below is a sampling. Congrats Lance!

“The funniest thing to watch during pre-game warmup is Brad Lidge taking groundballs in the infield. It’s like watching a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time.”

(on a pending Richard Justice appearance on a radio show): “Coming up next, the writer of wrongs!”

“Yeah, look at this body, does it *look* like I use steroids?”

“My intercoastal muscles ache, so I think I’m going to use pizza and cheeseburgers to cure it from within.”

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
homer

It?s hard to come to a place like the Talk Zone, and not only just fit in, but feel comfortable enough to wheel your beat-up La-Z-Boy, prop up your feet and just take a beer out of the fucking fridge. Since 7/10/2005, homer has not only that, we?re pretty sure that he?s borrowed money from HudsonHawk and is dating Waldo?s mom. Mmmm?Waldo?s mother. Anyway, after a couple of false starts, homer could be counted on to bring it strong and nearly from the very start. Here are some selections from your Rookie of the Year

? Man, you need to go abuse a dugout phone or something.

? Pooholescabreja

? I’ll have to say, Farnsworthless was visibly shaken on Sunday.

? Remember when I owned these bitches last year? That was AWESOME.

? Guess what… its not all about you or the rest of the fart wearing co-ard fans

? Man, you must be desperate to be reading over there at that fucktard convention.

? Memo to dumb blonde bitch, its fucking hot as hell already.

? That is the only useful thing I have found for most of the crap in my head too. It works best when you work it into conversation as if it were common knowledge.

? He should probably send one of his kids to Rafael Palmeiro too…he probably deserves it more.

? His discs aren’t herniated. They are just rusty.

? I think Secada was trying to impersonate Neville. Badly.

? I heard Ozzie chokes chickens as part of his religion. That excites me.

? He is a fat guy in overalls. People can relate to him.

? Fredia? (the spelling, not the pants…)

? Piazza could have showed him the other things and saved him a trip to the can.

? Sometimes I want to kick him/her so high that the bluebirds build in his butt before s/he comes back down.

? When I think Kenny Rogers, I think chicken… or good poker etiquette.

? Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – 1ST RUNNER UP
Taras Bulba

What do you say about a person who brought the funny on such a consistent basis that most of the voters ignored the fact that between AC & OWA, he actually has been posting here for years? Maybe that he’s just that forgettable? It couldn’t be, because the body of work speaks for itself. Whatever, it was a strong 1st year(and second…again sorry we’re late) for Mr. Bulba.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – HONORABLE MENTION
Various

Joey Trum, YouTube.com (for being Limey’s new girlfriend)

AND THE 2006 WALDO GOES TO?
strosrays

There are all manners of dwellers on this site. There are Popes and Clarks. Stat geeks and the folks that hate them. People who follow soccer and Americans. But there are only a few legends. Beyond going all Hammurabi and cranking out the standard field guide for spotting trolls, he?s consistently hilarious, insightful, and has allowed us to grab his cousin?s ass more than once. He is able to blend his knowledge of baseball, music, literature, and Florence Henderson into a tapestry of words that upon first glance appears to be nothing more than mocking commentary. Well, 9 times out of 10 it is mocking commentary, but that 10th time?it?s like magic.

Also, he manages not to be an idiot most of the time. Most of the time. Something all you people should be aspiring towards.

Anyway, congratulations are in order for strosrays. Here are some samplings of the genius. Please don?t stare directly at them.

? And she is impressive-looking, I like the mole.

? I like Gipson, for no supportable reason.

? I think it is actually FOX they’d be pissing off especially; which makes this option even more attractive.

? The fat kid sitting up in the gym bleachers playing chess while everyone else played dodgeball. Ooops! Ball got away from me again…

? In addition to the Cub pedigree, he carries the stigma of that horrid Abe Lincoln-looking thing growing on and under his face from a few years back. Which reminds me, has Marfan’s disease been eradicated? Or is it still around? I figure someone afflicted with it — extra long arms and fingers — would make a hell of a pitching prospect (in addition to President, and maybe lead guitarist.) Note to self: Check into this.

? A one-trick pony with zero imagination — of course he went into teaching.

? Tavarez has Gary Gilmore eyes.

? Solution: Bring in Damon to mollify the Montrose fan base.

? It’s because they suck. And you can tell ’em I said so.

? Y’know, speaking of foreign countries, you’ve pretty much had this in Louisiana for 100 years. Not as charming as the Old Sod maybe, but closer.

? I’m sure his homespun Virginny philosophy of life will go over well in the bucolic environs of The Big A.

? Ass-zilla jacking himself off in public takes into account the balls Biggio doesn’t get to anymore? How is that? On second thought, don’t answer. I’d rather not know. I think I am finally getting a fix on how range factor is figured, though.

? It was down to either Dahmer, or Eugene Tooms.

? Absolutely. If more people read Dear Abby, the world would be a better place.

? Don Juan, the Yaqui Indian Carlos Casteneda conjured up whilst under the effects of psylocibin, said you could piss on your hands and then close them into fists, and then when you flung out your fingers, you would shoot sparks from them. (I actually tried this once. Didn’t work. Perhaps Don Juan’s urine consisted of something other than almost pure grain alcohol, which I believe mine did at that time… come to think of it, maybe you could get drunk and light your piss? I’ll get back to you.)

? Possibly because a relatively high percentage of fans in that location are not generally familiar with indoor plumbing.

? It’s all that H.E.B. beef, hormones and shit. Penicillin the milk. That’ll fuck you up, boy.

? I just inadvertantly came across a nude picture of Lily Munster which may screw me up for some time, especially when I’m watching TV Land.

? I may have mentioned once before, I’ve had this ongoing fantasy since I was about nine, of me and Mrs. Brady and a bottle of Wesson Oil, and a tarp on the living room floor… and when we’re done, Ms. Brady pours the oil off the tarp back into the bottle and says, ‘Look! We only used one tablespoon!’

? My friend the Aggie was telling me this at some point last night at the after-party, almost teary-eyed. This was right before he took a couple of swings at me.

? Another place is any Chinese buffet. I remember when that cuisine was just hitting mass popularity here. Word was, besides, tasting good, it was healthy to eat. “You never see a fat Chinaman, do you?” Well, no. But somehow I don’t think the average citizen over there is eating two or three plates piled high with fried pork and spicy noodles at dinner, either. Anytime I get to thinking I am part of a culture that has evolved beyond something from the Middle Ages, I go to an All-You-Can-Eat. Or Wal-Mart.

? …the feds are dragging me out the back door of this head shop, and I’m screaming, “I did disclose my true identity, you fascist fucks! I’m stros-rays, motherfuckers! Stros-fuckin’-rays! S-T-R-O….”

ORANGEWHOOPASS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD – THE KATY FEENEY AWARD
Greg D and Craig The Bastard (Co-Feeneys)

Isn’t this very St. Louis of us? There are a lot of behind the scenes folks around here, and there are some who are the frontmen prancing around like gay marriage was all of a sudden legal.

Greg and Craig represent the best of both.

Greg D. is intregal in the extremely popular Minor Leagues area of this site. A contributor since the days of AstrosConnection, Greg has his ear to the pulse of all the Astros minor league affiliates, the comings, the goings, the WTFs that are the minors. He puts in an inordinate amount of work to make that area one of the featured attractions of this site.

Craig the Bastard, besides possessing and utilizing both the most amazing command of the English language and the ability to generate flatulence on demand, has contributed the vast majority of the Series Previews for the past few years. Not above driving a joke into the ground, but careful about which one he drives, Craig has labored on a thankless task for a long time without ever asking about the money we keep promising him.

Both Greg and Craig are well deserving of this honor (such as it is) and have helped make the site the best fansite (such as it is) in baseball (such as it is).

Hoist a beer or six in their honor!

When we started this website 9 months ago, we had one goal in mind?to waste your time as well as our own. Thanks to you, the loyal TalkZone denizens, we’ve done just that. The fact that you stuck with us through the heartbreak of losing the legendary Astrosconnection, the “dark ages” before we were up and running, and the early trials and tribulations of getting this puppy off the ground is testament to not only your enthusiasm and loyalty but to your lack of responsibility as well. So with coming of the first All-Star Break in OrangeWhoopAss history, so too arrives the very first annual Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or simply, The “Waldos”.

Before we proceed, it’s necessary to say a few words about our legendary mentors, the Batman to our Robin, the Yogi to our BooBoo, the George Washington to our Alexander Hamilton?.Kevin and Scott. Kev and Scott not only filled our brains with guidance and strategy, but they have also graciously allowed the use of many of the TZ features that we have all come to know and love. Their generosity has allowed such classics as Pine Tar Rag and Bleacher Rap to continue to delight and thrill audiences from coast to coast. For that, we are forever grateful. Party on, dudes!

And now, without further adieu, we proudly present the winners of the inaugural Waldo Awards?the envelope please?

WORST PRESEASON PREDICTION
Cam Bonifay

During the regularly scheduled preseason pooping matches and sizing up of the competition, the renowned Pirates fan boldly made this prognostication:

“Well the Pirates will finish above Houston, but the Reds and Cubs above Houston is a stretch.”

BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp

After getting all nostalgic, wondering about destination of his lost youth, Jim R pondered, “was I ever 23?” Andy fired back:

“No, you were XXIII”

BEST OLD MAN RETORT
Jim R

While discussing a list of cool old-time nicknames, the following ensued:

Cuban: You forgot Three Finger…hey, wasn’t he your old pitching coach?

Neil T.: Other way around.

Jim R.: yep, and i figured out how to improve Mordecai’s curve–i cut off two fingers, and voila!

BEST PERSPECTIVE OF THE YANKEE NO-HITTER
Limey

In a post simply titled, “Priceless”

“Roy Oswalt, $500,000
Pete Munro, $305,000
Kirk Saarloos, $300,000 (I think)
Brad Lidge, $300,000
Octavio Dotel, $1,600,000
Billy Wagner, $8,000,000

No hitting the $152,000,000 NY Yankees…”

BEST PLAY-BY-PLAY IN THE GAMEZONE
‘stros-rays

While the GameZone can be hit or miss some nights, nothing prepared us for this awe-inspiring performance. Play by play wrapped around the musical stylings of 80’s classics. We didn’t get the first two innings, but starting in the third?

3rd Inning: Blue Oyster Cult
4th Inning: Dead Kennedys
5th Inning: Gang of Four
6th Inning: The Clash
7th Inning: Elvis Costello and The Attractions
8th Inning: Van Halen and David Lee Roth
9th Inning: Ian Dury and The Blockheads

If only the GameZone were like this every night.

BEST SLAM OF A FRONT-RUNNING TROLL
MusicMan

One day when Cam Bonifay was droning on and on about how great the Pirates once were, and how the Astros have not finished better than Pirates “year after year”, MM was there to pop this cap in his ass:

“So finishing behind the Astros for 9 consecutive seasons – that is, *every year* they’ve been in the same division – does not qualify for “year after year”?

How many times do you have to get your ass kicked before you realize you’re not Bruce Lee?”

BEST PERSPECTIVE OF A POSSIBLE ORLANDO MERCED/RICHARD HIDALGO PLATOON
Breedlove

“He (Merced) is probably is a little rickety for a pure platoon, but I’d still try to start him twice a week. After all, Hidalgo’s typically a little gimpy himself, and I’m not even counting the times people have shot him.”

MOST FRIGHTENING VISION OF THE APOLALYPSE
Andyzipp

A terrifying snapshot of what would happen if HD were to partner with Alan Ashby as the radio play-by-play guys for the Houston Astros.

Ashby: It’s a beautiful day for a ballgame as your Houston Astros will be facing the St. Louis Cardinals here at Minute Maid Field. Alongside me as always is my broadcast partner, Clayton Vernon.

Vernon: First of all, schlong gorveler, unless you’re only broadcasting to the white republicans who still listen to AM radio, these aren’t “their” Houston Astros. They are sickening shiny baubles for the Drayton family Christmas celebration.

Ashby: The Cards come in having won 4 of their last 5, with the signing of Chuck Finley really solidifying their staff.

Vernon: I can’t wait for a real baseball team from a real city to come and stomp the shit out of Drayton MKKKlane’s welfare babies. Good luck renting a car in this town, lackeys.

Ashby: And as always the Astros pitchers are going to face a big challenge facing a fine lineup that includes Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen and Astro-killer Jim Edmonds.

Vernon: I can’t wait for HunDickSucker to get his comeuppance, seeing as he has single handedly eliminated all dark skinned players from the team. Pujols alone is better than this sick joke/lie of a team Drayton and Huncocksmoker have perpitrated on the City of Houston.

Ashby: The Astros will counter by sending Roy Oswalt to the hill…

Vernon: another mediocre white talent forced into the big leagues too soon…

Ashby: And Roy-O will be supported by the fine hot bat of Richard Hidalgo, who comes into today’s game hitting .324 with 5 home runs and 20 RBI.

Vernon: Lying whoredog pole-smoker…

Ashby: And we’ll be back to set up all the action after these words from Anheiser-Busch.

BEST BLAST OF WOMEN IN A BASEBALL POST?
pravata

“Women. I dont care if the TV is framed by naked Charlie Dimmock and Nigela Lawson. If I’m watching the Astros dink the AAA crap the Brewers were throwing up in the 13th and 14th on Saturday, I’m expressing anger. For about 3 days.”

MOST BIZARRE TAKE ON THE ASTROS’ BULLPEN SUCCESS
Arif

I don’t even want to know.

“i’m spoiled, watching the bullpen hold leads has become as much a part of my day as doing vaginal exams.”

BEST TAKE ON THE ASTROS’BULLPEN FAILURES
Stain

“I cut my Chen shaving this morning. But the bleeding stopped quicker.”

BEST TAKE ON THE RANDALL SIMON SAUSAGE INCIDENT
‘stros-rays

“Actually, I am not surprised he did this. In Curacao, a running sausage is a bad sign. A very bad sign. Could mean anything, all the way up to the nutmeg trees have the blight.”

BEST TAKE ON DUSTY BAKER
Stain

“What the Cubs need are a bunch of Irish black guys, like the lead singer of Thin Lizzy. They can hold their liquor, AND stay out in the heat.”

BEST ADDITION TO THE SITE GLOSSARY
pravata

Blutarski Line – a statistical average of 0.00 (zero point zero zero)

MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR
stros

“who gives a rat’s arse what gammons thinks?

he looks like a dirty old man who probably watches bosox games in his bra & panties with 8 year old boys dancing around. not exactly a vote of confidence in his “expert” status.

when has it really matter what he thought. everytime i see his name, i want to puke. quit quoting him – just let him embarrass himself with his personal bosox/brave lovefest.

sure, williams-cox-larussa micromanage the game. i think it is fun to watch, but at least the actually pay attention to the game and TRY to win. other “player” managers seem to let the inmates run the asylum (ie: pirates, mets, etc.).

truth is: this team is looking like a championship team (i know we are only 40 games or so in), but champions win 1 run games and champions come from behind (over and over). champions have good bullpens.

who would have thought that we’d be 3 games over with Oswalt at 2-4 and Miller at 1-4?

this should be a great season.

summary: gammons smells funny, astros will be fine.”

UNSUNG HERO AWARD
Various

Lots of this one to dish out for our first time around.

First of all, No? in Austin gets top billing for all of the excellent work on the OWA graphics.

Greg D and Jacksonian are worthy of praise as well, for stepping into the temporary void left by Michael N and providing excellent coverage on the minor leagues.

Our forum moderators and writers HudsonHawk, Andyzipp, and Arky Vaughan work hard to keep the front page ripe with news and the TalkZone devoid of undesirables.

Without the efforts of these people, you’d likely be staring at a blank screen, or at least a really boring site.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Lissi

There’s no denying that this strong contributor from UCLA hasn?t made an impact already. It was only a few posts into a Gamezone report on a night when Noe in Austin was doing play by play that Lissi announced her love for baseball, beer and the two being tops on her list. Noe proposed marriage on the spot, but came to his senses when 1) Lissi admirably turned him down without shattering his emotions and 2) Noe remembered he was already happily married.

Whether it’s sporting the Rainbow Gut behind the dugout at a Jints game or providing comprehensive coverage of the draft in the GameZone, there’s no mistaking that Lissi is no frontrunner. You go girl!

And finally, what you’ve all been waiting for?Post of the Year!

SECOND RUNNER UP
Breedlove

This is Breedlove’s old grandfather typing. Sorry for any mistakes, I’ve never seen a word machine like this.

When I played ball we used to have guys who got lefthanded hitters out. We called them pitchers. We used to have closers, too, only we called them starters. A hold was what you put on a fella after he spiked you.

Now I’ve heard there’s a great invention called the pitch count. I take it this allows you to actually know the number of times a pitcher has thrown the ball. That sounds great. Sure wish they had invented counting when I played.

Anyway, I’m real happy they’ve got pitch counts now. I guess with a number out there for everyone to see there are fewer injuries these days. And since starters know their efficiency is being monitored the counts must be very low. And ERAs must be miniscule since guys get yanked before they can begin to wonder what getting tired feels like. Yes, this must be a golden age for pitching.

Now except for Kevin Brown, today’s futuristic players still don’t piss WD-40 or shit nuts and bolts, because they’re not robots. So I guess they’ve got some kind of pitch limit based on personal stamina, and now managers can consult that chart to make decisions. Heck, they probably don’t even have to use up a trip to the mound anymore. They just tell the kid before he goes out there, “Son, you’ve got four pitches left.” If he’s not out of the inning by then he just calls time and leaves the field himself. Really, the best thing for a young pitcher to focus on is how long he’ll get to stay in the game.

You know, the funny thing is we used to use something similar to pitch counts. We would think about the walks and hits a pitcher gave up, whether he was in a lot of jams, how many innings he’d gone, if he was keeping the other guys from scoring, if he looked tired, and whether we needed a pinch-hit. But pitch counts seem a lot better. Nobody has to think at all, and that’s perfect for today’s game.

FIRST RUNNER-UP
Fredia

…in this now classic…

“I be in Houston.Business actually. Hunting the perfect prom dress for my daughter and maybe buying a shot gun.”

AND THE WALDO GOES TO…
Alkie!

Alkie explains why squibbler ground balls die between third base and the pitcher’s mound costing the Astros extreme heartache, not to mention games. The reason? Sacred burial ground:

“It was 20 years ago tonight……

On that very spot……

A young ex-boxer named Bloody Harry, who had been living at the streetcorner now occupied by the 3rd base side of the infield, buried his prized possession, a marmot named Jed.

Harry loved that marmot.

After Jed died, Harry vowed to find the man that shot and killed his marmot….Mr. Larry Squibbler, CPA/CMA/MTax.

One night, a week later, at the very same spot, Harry was overcome with rage, overcome with anger, and overcome with Southern Comfort. He died on the very spot where he had buried his marmot, where the 3d base side of the infield now lies.

Now you kids wouldn’t know it, but the tale goes that before Harry died in a drunken stupor, he put a curse on that street corner that Larry or anyone in his family, any Squibbler, would die a slow, painful, disasterous death if they should ever pass by Jed’s old grave, where the 3rd base side of the infield now lay.

But I don’t really believe that story. I’m pretty sure Jed was a vole.”

ORANGEWHOOPASS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Last, but certainly not least, we’ve started a new tradition here at OWA. Each year, we will bestow upon an individual who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in making this place what it is, the OrangeWhoopass Lifetime Achievement Award. Someone who not only sacrifices his own time, but that of his boss, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or parole officer. In this inaugural season, there is but one clear choice. A man who’s dedicated himself to the creation and perpetuation of this hallowed ground?.the man after whom these here awards are named?our very own, Waldo. It’s been said that running a website like this is a labor of love, and if you don’t love to labor on your love, then maybe you oughta find something else to occupy your time. Fortunately for us, his love for this site is rivaled only by his love for the Astros?and maybe his old lady. Without his tireless work and dedication none of this would be possible, and we thank you. So here’s to you my good man?let us know when you turn 21?we’ll buy you a beer.

Well, it is that time of year again. A time to look upon the best and worst of TZ. But this year’s TZ Hall of Fame Spectacular is even more significant! Why, you ask? Because this year’s event WILL BE THE LAST IN THE HISTORY OF TZ!

There have always been reasons to stop doing this, but the main one this time around is that 2002 is going to be the final season for ASTROSCONNECTION.COM. Kev & Scott made a decision back during spring training to make this year the last hurrah, and make the announcement during what we consider the most important days on the ASTROSCONNECTION calendar – the July HOF activities during MLB’s All Star break. So here we are, ready to receive our plaques, bronze busts and custom Harley Davidsons from a grateful and heartbroken nation as we set out on the farewell tour.
Additionally, there has been speculation over the past few days as to whether or not ASTROSCONNECTION had received a “cease and desist” letter from MLB. Indeed, such a letter was received at ASTROSCONNECTION World Headquarters on Friday afternoon. While the Fearless Hosts are certainly aggravated that MLB’s legal initiative undercuts some of the drama of today’s announcement, we have always made it a policy to inform our loyal audience and the TZ community of any developments that potentially impact the function of the website. The possibility of MLB squaring off against the Big Freight Train is something that had been planned for, and we can tell you that for the record, Kev & Scott’s intent remains exactly as it was at the start of the year, to go the distance of the 2002 Astros season, whether that winds up being mid-August, early October, or heaven forbid, late October… and then blow this thing sky high.

Of course, updates on the status of the site will be provided as necessary, but right now consider it business as usual around here until seasons’ end. For complete info on our decision to retire from the Astro web community however, you can check out a special issue of the Pine Tar Rag.

We are sure that you have questions, and we have plenty of answers, but we’ve already wasted enough space in the hallowed halls of the TZ HOF on this. Again, a complete statement on the Fearless Hosts’ decision to shag and their perspective on MLB’s current actions can be viewed in the special Pine Tar Rag issue.

All right… here are the FINAL TZ HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES. As usual, some of this stuff contains bad language, and just about all of it is inappropriate, so proceed at your own risk. At the bottom of the page, we identify the 2002 TalkZone MVP, the last individual who will hoist the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

LEGEND INDUCTION
Various

We’d like to start this section off with recognition of a couple folks that wind up just short of Legend status as we pen the final HOF Spectacular… Foghorn and HudsonHawk. By our estimation, they would’ve arrived in the promised land within two seasons. Give us a thousand like these two and you’ve got the best board on the planet. OK, here we go…

Limey
Limey clinches his position among TZ’s immortals with another spectacular year that shattered the myth of the Golden Scott curse – the dark phenomenon that has caused former TZ MVPs to drift into obscurity, professional responsibility or simple yardwork. What does it say about this country that a freaking Brit can reach such heights in a forum that claims to be more or less dedicated to that uniquely American (and well, Japanese) institution that is baseball?

In 2002, his unorthodox perspectives resulted in the creation of “Limey Time”, and he became TZ’s unofficial World Cup correspondent this summer. While the Astros were listing right off the NL radar screen, a whole new generation of Zone-dwellers were learning about corner kicks and headers. A credit to the european continent. We couldn’t do without him.

Noe in Austin
Probably the most well-respected, thought-provoking and informed message board inhabitant in the business. Noe’s contributions have been relevant and appreciated since the moment he hit the old TZ back in ’98. Known primarily as a voice of reason, he nevertheless can sling shit with the best of them.

His ability to take difficult baseball-related or social topics and generate smart, coherent takes differentiates him from the average TZ-dweller, even if these takes wind up being painfully long-winded. His inaugural series preview is still the longest on record. Regardless, we consider him one of the greatest talents on any message board anywhere and a great asset to this site.

Hetero Doxy
The Fearless Hosts also wish to take this opportunity to remember the contributions of longtime TZ-dweller Hetero Doxy by bestowing honorary “Legend” status. We understand that this is a controversial move, but hang on.. there is a legitimate case. We’ll take a moment to explain.

During his tumultuous stint in TZ, HD’s abrasive style, litany of insults, and wacko leftist agenda served to alienate and offend thousands, but his unpleasant presence also served to maintain a key sense of balance on the board. We always liked to think of HD as TZ’s ‘great red spot’, an “El Nino” in the TZ atmosphere if you will. (Editor’s aside: Can’t think about El Nino without recalling Chris Farley’s classic El Nino bit on SNL… “I AM THE GREAT EL NEEENYO! IN SPANISH THAT MEANS… THE NEEENYO!”)

Anyway, it may surprise many of you to know that HD was one of ASTROSCONNECTION’s most loyal supporters and a stalwart defender of the site until the bitter end last fall. The final days of the Hetero Doxy experience bring to mind a memorable quote from the underrated television series Spenser: For Hire…

“What fueled Hawk through life was a smoldering, controlled rage. When it erupted, as it surely would… it would come as a frightening force.”

Okay, maybe ‘smoldering’ and ‘controlled’ is a little generous, but we were determined to get a Spenser reference on the site eventually, so let us have our fun.

In late 2001, as the Enron Corporation as we knew it was set to crumble, HD’s posts suddenly reached what was described by the night crew as “caustic levels.” Staff had been monitoring this in GAMEZONE, his favorite playpen, for several weeks, but it had now spilled over into the mainstream of the big board. TZOL delivered the usual shots across the bow, but the bottom line was that after nearly five years of successful cohabitation despite equal and opposite sociopolitical philosophies, the dark one finally dropped the hammer. Within days, the rest of the world would know the wrath of the most hate-filled liberal in east Texas.

Lots of things were important to HD. Things like Marxism, Julio Lugo, and homophobia. The most important was probably anonymity. Ironically, this well-preserved cover was blown wide open in the New York Times and Washington Post of all places during the Enron collapse. Their descriptions of an unmistakable blend of vitriole, then directed at Enron CEO Ken Lay, was instantly recognizable to TZ veterans. No doubt here that our f-bomb spouting whistleblower had a hand in bringing the energy giant to its knees. His saga would be chronicled by other media in the weeks ahead.

Officially canned for ‘postings that the company deemed offensive’, HD now participates in a class-action lawsuit while roaming the net as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem that requires a political progressive, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire… HETERO DOXY.

His impact on TZ was profound and is still felt to this day. Surely experienced Zone-dwellers get a warm, fuzzy feeling all over whenever they hear terms like ‘anklegrabber’, ‘polesmoke’, and of course, ‘bushneck lackey’ and its widely accepted derivative… ‘neck’.
A grudging move by the organization to be sure, but ultimately appropriate as his presence lingers still. To quote Sybok from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier…
“This is who (we) are. Or didn’t you know that?”
Adios ‘Jay’. Here’s to happier days.

SOME FAVORITE TZ EXCERPTS
Various

Wild Dog:
“‘Angel Hernandez’ and ‘good umpire’ should never appear together in a sentence that does not also include ‘is not’.”

Waldo:
“We, the fans, are just pawns in this game of checkers.”

Hetero Doxy:
“it’s always amazing to me when any of these bush primates pretends to have an intellectual scoreboard over anyone from civilization.”

geezerdonk:
“The EFUS roof is quicker to its left than Biggio.”

Talkzone Overlord:
“I will eat your fucking spleen.”

pravata:
“No doubt Mr. Mclane has a far more sinister use for all this hoarded roux.”

Lug:
“Just as Twisted Sister admonished us to ‘Stay away from Captain Howdy’, may I humbly suggest you stay away from Sheriff Blaylock.”

Andyzipp:
“Look at my watch…You’re getting very sleepy…your eyelids are getting very heavy… Everyone loves Sheriff Blaylock… Everyone.”

Jim R:
“irrelevant.”

Fazio2B:
“Swallows in Capistrano and Monarch Butterflies in Mexico are dwarfed by the wonders of ‘WFW’.”

pravata:
“I guess most of you prefer listening to the wind whistling through the veldt of your own idiocy.”

Fredia:
“What was once fixable by a band aid now needs a full blown tounrinquett”

Breedlove:
“There is absolute proof in this thread I don’t bogart the Nyquil.”

Alkie:
“This Benadryl kicks ass.”

Tony Roma:
“Empty buzzphrases like ‘zero tolerance’ are nothing but nice big boats upon which to sail down Egyptian rivers”

MusicMan:
“Alex from Strohs is to analytical thinking as Dante Bichette is to soap.”

Breedlove:
“Hostess twinkees are ding dongs’ bitch”

Jim R:
“i disagree completely.”

AstroMan Tex:
“Ain’t nothin’ funnier than watching the stinkin’ Stem begin to squawk feces before the season has even started.”

Andyzipp:
“Just because your lips move when you type doesn’t make it talking.”

Waldo:
“I take pride in the rotundity of my head.”

Michael N:
“There’s lotsa hot chicks from the 80s I’d rather see than a bunch of extremely flammable, chord-crunching, sock-enhanced LA faggots.”

A-Train:
“Screw vegetarianism! I’m going to die with a cheeseburger in my hand, a smile on my face, and my coronary artery 90% clogged, baybeee!”

Stain:
“Izz you Izz, or Izz you ain’t my closer?”

todd the bod:
“Randy Johnson brings in AIS. Barry Bonds brings in AIS. Sosa. When Tony Eusebio was on his hitting streak, that brought AIS.”

Limey:
“…trying to get inside Jimy’s head ain’t the easiest thing to do despite all the space in there.”

Trey:
“you didn’t buy this post at the Shed, did you?”

SOME OTHER FAVORITES
Various

Navin R Johnson suggesting that Carl Everett and John Rocker should drive from city to city in a ’77 Dodge van, solving crimes.

Limey on Wendy’s hamburgers: “Pig swill squished between two pieces of bread.”

Fredia: “I am on dish.”

HudsonHawk: “Is that what the kids are calling crack cocaine these days?”

AstroMan Tex and his countless ‘High Heat 2001’ references.

Stain after Injuns hurler Chuck Finley got his ass kicked by his wife: “Where’s Bobby Cox when you need him?”

HudsonHawk’s reaction to Channel 51 not getting their application in on time to be included in the local DirecTV package: “Great…now I have to continue with the freaking rabbit ears or watch Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio morphed with Bill Baeza and Linda Lorelle.”

Hetero Doxy’s reaction to Channel 51 not getting their application in on time to be included in the local DirecTV package: “necktown ladies sing dat song, doo-dah, doo-dah”

Michael N on Callista Flockhart: “McPipe needs to eat a few steaks. Regularly.”

Limey on Rudy Rudiger: “All that football practice stunted his growth, and turned him into a halfling.”

Jim R on Roger Clemens: “screw him”

Curly cracking himself up simply by posting in a thread started by Neil T. “Ha..Curly Neill….knyak knyak!”

Foghorn making the very rare and difficult Barry Bonds-Joe Don Baker comparison.

Jim R starting two threads in the same day.

BEST HOT STOVE SCOOP
Breedlove

When HD rang in the new year with a “reynolds for batista” trade proposal, MusicMan suggested that Shane was probably worth more than a single dead Cuban dictator. Breedlove, however had the inside track…

“Astros Trade Reynolds for Batista

The Houston Astros greeted the new year with a startling move late Tuesday, trading longtime starter Shane Reynolds for Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista.

Reynolds, whose ERA has risen since the Astros moved to hitter-friendly Enron Field, was surprised by the move.
‘I felt like I struggled some, but I strung together some good months the last couple seasons,’ Reynolds said.

‘I figured they’d want me to offer some guidance to the young pitchers on the team. I was real happy in Houston and I think I gave that franchise a lot of good pitching, but this just goes to show you baseball is a business.’

‘We hoped that in addition to cutting some payroll we’d be able to get younger, but the players just weren’t available,’ said Astros GM Gerry Hunsicker. ‘It may take some time for the fans to see the value here.’

Batista, who died more than fifteen years after being ousted as dictator of Cuba in 1959, was unavailable for comment.

‘The years of experience and leadership Batista offers will be invaluable to this pitching staff,’ Hunsicker said, ‘and we think a deceased lefty like Fulgencio will create match-up problems for other managers.’

Batista’s pricetag was also attractive to the Astros, who will pay $230.98 a season in maintenance fees to Batista’s cemetery.”

Later that afternoon…

“Reynolds for Batista Trade Dead

The Houston Astros’ acquisition of Fulgencio Batista for starter Shane Reynolds ran into problems Wednesday morning that killed the deal.

Hurdle one was a grievance from the Major League Baseball Players Union. In a 10 AM release, an unnamed Union official stated that Batista’s salary demands were out of line and that he had to accept more money.

The Astros were prepared to remedy that with the league minimum’s worth of fresh flowers at Batista’s grave before the second objection became clear. Examination of birth records revealed that the Cuban Batista was born in 1897 not 1902 as had been previously reported. Astros team officials were shocked.

‘We feel we were misled,’ GM Gerry Hunsicker said. ‘Baseball performance is limited by age in many respects, and for Fulgencio to be dead at 105 years old instead of 100 is unacceptable.’

In Houston on a book-signing junket and on hand for the Astros’ press release, ESPN columnist Rob Neyer added, ‘There is no question five years is make-or-break. The expectations for a 100 year old versus a 105 year old are radically different no matter when he was planted.’

Hunsicker was still considering his options early Wednesday, including possible compensatory draft picks for the age violation. The fear remained that Batista’s health would be an issue, but after a routine physical from the Astros medical staff Batista was cleared to play.

At 11 AM, a weary Hunsicker admitted the deal just wasn’t going to happen. ‘It looked attractive from our end, but Batista’s heirs were unwilling to meet Shane’s complicated salary requirements, which include a daily supply of the fresh mudfish and radiator-baked roadkill on which he was raised.’

At noon, Astros owner Drayton McLane announced that he was very pleased with the deal. ‘Fulgencio is going to be a great addition for us. He’s an exciting player. The Astros will continue to reach out to our friends in the Hispanic community.'”

FINEST DISS OF A LOUISIANA TOWN
pravata

When Julio Gotay received a job offer in Shreveport and asked if anyone lived there and what the Astros coverage was like, pravata weighed in…

“No one ‘lives’ in Shreveport. In fact, if I had one week left to live, I’d move to Shreveport because it would seem like a freakin eternity.”

BEST MUSICAL SCORE
hebreezedhim

Not long after Shane Reynolds got torched by the Padres in a game last July, where five of the run scoring hits came on 2-strike counts, hebreezedhim got the blues…

I got the Two-Strike Blues
I got the Two-Strike Blues
Oh Lord I got to lose ’em
Gotta lose those Two-Strike Blues
Ya get up in the morning
And ya know you’re gonna start
You’re a freakin’ major league pitcher
And you damn sure know your art
No trouble with the strike zone, no problems with the ump
Ya zip the first two in there, hitter looks just like a chump
So instead of workin’ the corners, making ’em chase a pitch or two
Ya float it right down the middle to see what they can do
Five or six runs later, you’re out there gettin’ the hook
You tell the skipper you did your best, something must be wrong with the book
‘Specially the one on the pitcher, who shouldn’t be worth a shit
But you work for the ‘Stros and God only knows
You gotta give him a hit
Now I know that it’s exacting
And I know that it’s a bitch
To get a million dollars
Because you allegedly pitch
Though I’m a simple layman
There’s one thing I know to be true
NEVER give ’em a pitch to hit when THE COUNT IS OH AND TWO!
I got the Two-Strike Blues
I got the Two-Strike Blues
Oh Lord I got to lose ’em
Gotta lose those Two-Strike Blues

BEST INSIGHT INTO THE MILOISM
Andyzipp

This valuable mini-guide to the ramblings of the Captain was posted after Fredia was asking about nicknames for the ’02 rookie crop…

“As far as Milo and nicknames go, you take their last name (Bagwell), truncate it (Bag) and add the long “e” sound to it. (Baggy.)

This includes Cammy, Doggie, Ossie, Vizzy, Baggy, Hampy, Doty, Ensy, Lugie, Berky, Aussie.

The varation that you see most often from this policy is take the player’s last name (Truby) and just Truncate it or truncate it and make it plural (Bidge or Trubs).

A even more rare variation is using the first name (Shane)and adding the “r” to the end of it. (Shaner, or sometimes, THE Shaner.)

If you ever hear Milo say anything else, he stole it from somewhere or someone.”

BEST GENERAL MILO COMMENTARY
Capntime

During a spring training game against the Dodgers, when Internet listeners could select between the Houston or LA broadcast…

“I’m sitting here, listening to the dojer broadcast, and it suddenly hits me: this is really nice. No irritation, no frustration, no smacking my forehead; just nice, happy baseball.”

MOST APPROPRIATE NAMING-RIGHTS SCENARIO
JB

Shortly after the Astros bought back the naming rights to their yard from Enron, JB caught wind of more news…

“Astros To Play at Beelzebub Ballpark

HOUSTON — In the second press conference in one day, Drayton McLane announced Wednesday afternoon that the Houston Astros had resold naming rights to Astros Field just hours after buying back those same rights from financially and morally bankrupt Enron Corporation. The new owner of the stadium naming rights is none other than the Lord of the Underworld himself, Beelzebub. A grinning McLane described the deal, reportedly worth $100 billion over the remainder of McLane’s life, as ‘clearly in the best interests of the Astros, their fans, and the City of Houston.’ He added, ‘Given my desperate financial situation, it was either Satan or Mattress Mac, and this seemed the lesser of the two evils.’ As a result of the deal, McLane replaces Bill Gates as the richest man on earth and, it is believed, as heir apparent to the Throne at the Right Hand of Lucifer.

In a statement read by underworld spokesdemon Hasmodeus, Arch Cacodemon of Injustice, Satan was quoted as saying, ‘For a mere pittance, I have acquired not only the soul of a Texas Baptist Grocer, but naming rights to the site of tortures and unholy atrocities unknown outside the deepest bowels of Hades.’

‘This unquestionably eclipses all prior dealings between the Dark Underworld and MLB, including the selling of Babe Ruth and the move of Nolan Ryan to the Texas Rangers,’ the Hellish statement continued.

Asked by reporters why he had not included a World Series or two in the price of his soul, a perplexed looking McLane responded that it had never really occurred to him.”

GREATEST TYPO
MusicMan

Something of an upset here. In a year that saw harried or fat-fingered Zone-dwellers produce such masterworks as “gorvel”, “pithing”, and “ot the cnadles”, MusicMan pulled double duty on this otherwise average assessment…
“He may not be the greatest of clumbhouser leaders, but he’s still a hell of a ballplayer.”

We’ve recreated this incident in a test environment several times, at varying speeds, and still can’t manage to duplicate the mangled ‘u-m-b’ combination. Nicely done.

WORST HAIKU
Limey

Prior to the start of a 4-game set against the Cubs to determine control of the NL Central last July…

“Cubbies come to town
Orange Whoopass awaits them
Buh-bye Central lead”

MOST HEARTWARMING BRUSH WITH GREATNESS
David in Jackson

Back in March during spring training, the day after Il Brutto announced his retirement, TZ was rehashing favorite Bichette moments…

“Friday night, I’m in Vero Beach to see the Dodgers and Expos. About 5 minutes before the national anthem, I’m in the bathroom down the first baseline next to the clubhouses. I’m standing at the urinal, and Bichette, in his uniform, comes in and stands next to me to relieve himself.”

BEST INSIGHT INTO THE COLORADO FRONT OFFICE
pravata

This spring, when Jason said he hadn’t realized that Chris Holt and Tim Bogar were among the growing number of Astro castoffs in Rockies camp, pravata explained where scrubs come from…

“At midnight, on the night of a full moon, when the fog rolls in thick on the pumpkin patch, Dan O’Dowd finds the biggest pumpkin and rolls it over, before the scrub can scamper away he snatches it by the hind legs, whacks its’ bottom and stuffs it in his payroll reducer sack.”

BEST SUBJECT LINE
‘stros-‘rays

From GZ toward the end of spring training…

“Hearing Ashby talk about slapping around teenage girls reminds me of that time Pat Boone put on leather and released a heavy metal LP”

BEST “FREDIAN” SUBJECT LINE
Fredia

“Where is Miss Cleo when you need here, there has been more prediction on this site lately than at a physics convetnion. (nm).”

BEST “NM” RESPONSE
HudsonHawk

The context of this should be familiar enough as to require no set-up..
.
“But Lopez is blind with no sense of smell or direction. It’s physically impossible for him to find the proverbial acorn (nm)”

MOST CREATIVE REACTION TO THE STATUS QUO
buckner1986

Shortly after the Astros went three and out to the overmatched Braves in the ’01 playoffs…

“Atlanta to petition MLB regarding Houston

(ATLANTA) – An angered Braves GM John Schuerholz today petitioned MLB to disqualify Houston from any future postseason appearances, because the perennial first-round participant Astros cause the Braves problems in the second round by failing to provide adequate competition in the first round.

Schuerholz explained the difficulties: ‘It’s not just the extra off-days, it’s the lack of intensity in these games. This will put us at a severe disadvantage going into the NLCS.’

Manager Bobby Cox agreed: ‘Take the fellas over in the other series. Arizona, St. Louis. Now those guys show up. They’re playing real ball. They’re getting battle-worn, and we’re certainly going to be rusty and unprepared for either one, after waltzing through these cream-puffs again.’
In response to a Houston reporter’s question about solutions, GM Schuerholz conceded that it would be unfair to disallow the Astros from winning their division each year, so he suggested a compromise: ‘It’s not like we’re saying that the division banner should go to the 2nd or 3rd place team in the event of a Houston 1st-place finish.
That’s fine, let them have their flag. But, come on, don’t let them mess up our World Series run in the process; this isn’t the special olympics.’

‘We’d be much better of playing intra-squad games, or calling up the triple-A guys for a week,’ said Cox.
Braves Strength & Conditioning Coach Frank Fultz was unable to provide a clearly embarassed Houston beat reporter with an answer to the question whether or not Gonad transplants have ever been successful in humans, raising suspicions as to Drayton McLane’s off-season health plan for his team.

Noted enthusiast Bob Costas cited the Houston squad as ‘Yet another reason why the wild-card is an abomination. We wouldn’t even have to bother with them if the divisions were still intact’. As to the Braves’ petition, Costas offered a counter-proposal: ‘look, once you’ve gone down the slippery-slope of allowing a 3-division-plus-wildcard setup, there’s nothing you can do about second-tier jagoffs like Houston. So, I’d propose an invitational tournament like the NCAA, the Astros could be the baseball equivalent of an N.I.T. tournament winner, ignored by the national scene, but enough of a boon for the struggling mid-market teams to keep the local yokels happy’.

Braves pitching coach Leo Mazzone illustrated his utter lack of focus on Houston as a legitimate threat by mumbling ‘Yeah, definitely. Counting cards counting cards. Two minutes to Wapner. Quantas never chrashed.’
Larry Dierker wasn’t available for comment, but was seen elbowing Alan Ashby and grabbing his equipment.”

MOST DISTURBING REVELATION
Sheriff Blaylock

During GZ in April, the ballclub’s official gourmet chose to make an appearance at a point in the discussion when the origin of the nickname “Cathead the Asshole” was chalked up to Larry Walker’s infamous ‘Astrodome smells like cat piss’ blast…

“Don’t knock cat piss. The nacho sauce hasn’t been nearly as bright since we left the dome.”
EEEYAA!

FINEST BIOGRAPHICAL WORK
Andyzipp

The following epic also requires no set-up…

“Born to swamp ridden poverty, Scott Calbert was able to rise above his environment, and for a brief moment inspire a nation. But that was followed by a tumultuous period marred by alcohol abuse, depression and black market antacids. Coming up next we’ll look at the rise, fall and relative obscurity of Scott Calbert… on ‘Behind the Gluttony’…

Scott Calbert was born in what most would call a hard, rural part of Lousiana.

‘We barely had enough to make ends meet. My older brother, Kevin, was always the first to get fed, and somedays there just wasn’t enough food to go around.’

At a pivotal moment in the second grade while tramping around in the local swamp, young Scott made a discovery that would shape his future for years to come.

Scott was hungry. Older brother Kevin Calbert had eaten the last of the ‘gator N biscuits’ his mother was famous two swamps over for. All that young Scott was left with was a coffee can full of used bacon grease, a stick and some Chouola Hot Sauce.

‘Generic brand Molasses, at that. We didn’t want Scott gettin too bad for his britches.’

Scott, lousy with the creativity that would become his trademark later in life began the first of many culinary experiments.

Scott captured one stray nutria that lived in his back yard and threw it in the bacon grease that he had heated on a back yard fire. After covering the ‘swamp rat’ in hot sauce, Scott Calbert knew he’d never go hungry again.

In high school, while many of his friends were gaining recognition for knowing the alphabet or being good with knives, an older, but more reckless Scott was known as ‘the kid at the other end of the cafeteria who would eat anything.’

‘We were always proud that Scott stayed out of prison. We were in a tough neighborhood, but you’d never know it watching Scott eat. Nutria, Gator, Taco Bell, Jack In The Box. It didn’t matter, Scott was a machine. He’d sop it all up with a biscuit and swaller it down.’

In one of the episodes that demonstrated how wild he was, Scott took on a trash-talking, trash-eating goat from neighboring Slidell.

‘There were a lot of people in the press and even in my family who were saying that there weren’t no way I’d be beating that goat.’

Not only did Scott win eat more than the goat, to seal the victory, he ate the goat.

‘Scott was always on to go above and beyond to win a match. He’s always been very competitive.’

It was that competitiveness that was ultimately his downfall.

From that point on, Scott’s career was one fairy-book championship after another. Most Pizzas eaten, 1987. Most Valuable Customer, 1980’s at the Baton Rouge Waffle House. Scariest Mo-Fo We’ve Seen Yet at Happy Family Chinese Buffet in 1993.

With a consistency, and gorging capability unseen before his time, Scott touched a nation when he surpassed a 70 year old record held by Babe Ruth in 1998. Eating that record sandwich was the pinnacle of his career.

‘I was very proud. So proud, I didn’t know it was the beginning of the end.’

Less than one year later, Scott retired from his profession. In a bewildering, brief press conference, Scott Calbert mysteriously stepped down to private life, citing the need to retire at the top of his game.

Rumors circulated that his most valued asset, his cast-iron stomach had given out. Combined with persistent whispers of poor choices in antacids, a string of questionable financial decisions and a reported conflict of interests with the Carl’s Jr franchise that he was a minority owner in, Scott’s star was tarnished.

Today, Scott has passed through the bad times, seeking a private life far less glamorous than the jet-setting, heavy cream, real butter lifestyle that had been the 90’s for him.

‘I learned that sometimes salad is a good alternative to rack of lamb. I learned about Equal. I learned to be a man.’

And although he still can shut down any sort of all-you-can-eat establishment at will, he has also learned that he doesn’t have to.”

BEST WEATHER REPORT
Noe in Austin

As the Astros prepared to drag into St. Louis for three…

“Showers, lots of them. No, I’m not talking about Missourian’s deciding to bathe today, but that the weather outside may turn frightful today on into the night. Bad break? Not if you’ve got a tired bullpen and a pitcher whose last outing was a 125+ six inning affair it isn’t.

You’d almost want to go out to the privacy of your own back yard iffin’ you?re the manager of said team and do a nekkid rain dance. Add in some dead veggies sacrificed to Jobu (use something in the gord family, he likes that) and you’ll assure yourself of thunder and lightning.”

MOST HARSH GENERALIZATION OF REDS FANS
Stain

Just before the first set against the Reds in April, Red Blooded American asked when the smack-running Reds fans would start posting. Stain’s response:

“Right after the Paxil kicks in. A couple will probably come running through with their pants down anytime now. If the Dickities happen to win a game, then it will start to look like the monkey cage at the zoo on Shit-Throwing Day. Only the monkeys are wearing red caps and stupid-looking vests.”

LEAST IMPRESSIVE SLUMP-BUSTING RITUAL
Foghorn

From this past May when the Astros had followed up a 7-game win streak by dropping six in a row…

“Thats it. I’m gonna take one for the team. Today for lunch I will sacrifice a chicken (OK, 20 chicken wings at BW3) and throw the bones over my left shoulder while singing “Here Come the Astros” over and over again. I will follow that up with a spider. Thats right–I’m gonna eat me a spider. Any of you johnny-come-lately’s want to join me? Not one of those bigs ones mind you, I’m not that crazy, but one of those itsy bitsy ones that likes to crawl up water spouts.”

GREATEST PERSPECTIVE ON OPS
HudsonHawk

There are several topics guaranteed to generate long discussion threads. Normally these have nothing to do with baseball (beer, Alyssa Milano, 80s hair bands), but thankfully a couple of them do (Todd the Bod trade suggestions, Shaune Bagwell and OPS). Much has been written about OPS. Indeed it is one of the most hated and exhausted topics in the history of this great board. But not until HudsonHawk rambled off the following simplistic drivel just last month did someone finally capture the essence of this most controversial of statistics and define its place in the baseball universe…

“I carry 13 clubs in my golf bag. Now, if I could only carry one, it would be a 7 iron. But why would I do that? I also have the 4 iron, the driver, the putter, etc. I can use anyone of them at any time, and I can use different ones on different shots on the same hole. Now here’s the whacked part…OPS is like a 7 iron. It’s useful for some things, and if I could only get one offensive stat, that would be the one. But too many people only use that one, and they try to force it into every situation whether it’s the best “club” for the job or not. Sometimes, I might choose the 5 iron and then the sand wedge on consecutive shots (actually, I use that combination often), I might not even bring the 7 iron out of the bag. So while the 7 iron (OPS) is a good club to have around, you’re really putting a crimp in your game by limiting yourself to only its use.”

TAKE OF THE YEAR
Paul G

Paul G’s triumphant return to TZ last October after apparently becoming burned out on fantasy football was not only memorable, but his public resolution to reacquire the mantle of TZ greatness conjured up memories of the golden age of the board… back when Dave Clark sucked, Chris Holt was just a hard-luck pitcher, and Lima Time was set to rule the world… back when you could get called a ‘neck even if you were from the north, and waste hours playing YACKBALL… those were the days indeed…

“Ah yes, the glory years, when I could hit 90 on the gun. When I could take a hanging slurve and deposit it against the school wall (before they built the new ‘stadium’ at the school of course), when I could deliver the high hard one with deadly accuracy and intent, ah yes… when Houston was even better than in 1994, when things were nice and the Astros were winning, when I stumbled across this site because I was addicted (even more so than Alkie) to John and Lance’s radio show every morning, and that addiction soon became an affliction for I had to log on every chance I could to see what HD was going to say to piss me off again or if I could get an “advanced look at the Astros Minor League System” by someone who (for all I knew) was playing Bob Uecker in Major Leagues and making up shit, when my ‘homepage’ was astrosconnection.com, when I had a Latina wife and danced nekkid around the house, when I would get torn between the ‘ballplayer’ inside and the fantasy geek I had become, when trochanters and inserion points and bone articulations and rotator cuffs and labrums were important and this site was even more important, when I read Andy’s Epic Journey (or whatever the hell he called it), when I could not wait for Jim to blast away at some ‘pencil necked Adam Wexler looking wanna be an athlete but ended up spilling all my freakin’ water when you brought it out to me idiot’ who could not even hold a bat, much less swing it… when my name shone in bright lights in the 1998-1999 TZ Hall of Fame (even though I am very bitter about the ROY honors that year, something still smells very fishy about Noe winning it and all those gorditas Scott ate), when I learned the word emoticon ;p, or when pravata would send my brain scrambling like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, oh how I enjoyed those days, oh how I wish I could return, oh how I want to be a part of it… the TZ, TZ… you know, I wonder, if I work really hard, conjure up the ghost of Dave Bell or Derek Clark, or whatever that wasted sperm was called…could I do it again? Could I post with regularity and become a valued part of society (because we all know, value is earned through a keyboard), could I hit the weights, and get back in shape? Ah screw it… I am back for good this time. I ain’t changing my number so I can sell my gear, I ain’t changing my name so everyone reads and wonders… “Is that him?” I am coming back in, I am rededicating myself to the cause…or something like that.”
He hasn’t been heard from since.

2002 TALK ZONE MVP
Noe in Austin

Despite Limey delivering the strongest showing ever by a defending champ, the incomparable Noe in Austin clocks a well-deserved Golden Scott, becoming the first former TZ Rookie of the Year to take the fabled hardware, and ensuring that there will be no repeat winners of TZ’s highest accolade.

The longtime BBS veteran been always been among the strongest of TZ, but has not had the sheer numbers until this past year. Granted, much of the volume came in the form of response after sarcastic reponse to the ignorant assertions of various board villains, a clear attempt to give these folks plenty of rope with which to hang themselves – but Noe’s skill at leading people to hoist themselves on their own pitard is a big part of his game and matched only by TZ legend pravata.

Add this to the general value of Noe as illustrated in the “Legend Inductions” way up the page, and you’ve got a performance worthy of an MVP and KING OF THE ZONE. Congrats Noe, thank you all, and good night.

Where has the time gone? It seems like we just finished putting last year’s list together. Anyway, welcome to the Kev & Scott TalkZone Hall Of Fame Spectacular for the 2000-2001 program year. This compilation of memorable TZ moments immortalizes favorite posts and standout individual performances in the sole opinions of the fearless hosts themselves. Is every great post, embarrassing meltdown and above-average TZ-dweller represented here? Hell no. Unlike you, Kev & Scott only have so much time to spend reading this crap, and TZOL does not care about your human need for props and recognition. So save your hate-mail and Cliff Floyd references. Know that you are appreciated, and we sincerely thank all of you for your contributions and fierce loyalty to this ridiculous site.

OK, enough of that BS. It is time to roll the ugliness. Some of this stuff contains bad language, and just about all of it is inappropriate, so proceed at your own risk. Like years’ past, at the bottom of the page, we identify the 2001 TalkZone MVP, that rare individual that is allowed to hoist the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

LEGEND INDUCTION
pravata

Let it be known that pravata becomes the latest TZ-dweller to achieve Legend status. This long overdue recognition of TalkZone’s quickest wit comes in perhaps his finest season, as the drooling mainstream finally began to grasp the complex, experimental nature of his work. Master of the one-liner. Creator of the ‘pravataism’. A Zippian penchant for sarcasm. An understated, biting style that has influenced tens. An accomplished student of the game. A Legend.

FAVORITE TZ EXCERPTS
Various

We don’t remember the exact context of some of this stuff, but it does make for a pretty interesting compilation…

Andyzipp:
“Anyone else get a warm fuzzy feeling when Yackball calls you a ‘cheating bastard’?”

Lug:
“Yes. Pray for me, OrangeBalls.”

Breedlove:
“Heavy ball can refer to sinking action, difficulty getting loft upon contact, or elephantitis.”

Ankur Goel:
“They called me Big McAnkh in ’98. Big Mac was but a side show compared to my prodigous blasts.”

Stain:
“So, I’m most likely the only guy in the world with a gynecological bootie for a driver sock.”

pravata:
“They’ll get my frog gig when they pry it out of my cold dead hands.”

Jacksonian:
“Like a bleeding seal alone in the ocean, any ‘stat’ used in isolation to prove a point should and will be eaten by the sharks.”

pravata:
“15% off my sammich, that’s no deal.”

Breedlove:
“The rivulets of grease rolling off our arms were a clear biohazard and I’m pretty sure some grackles got stuck in the resultant slick and were rendered flightless.”

Curly:
“Because of my bad ankles I’m falling all the time… it has nothing to do with the cerveza”

Bumblebee Man:
“Aiiieee! Es gato malodoro!”

Carnac:
“Cey what?”

Alkie:
“Youppi, we hardly knew ye.”

Andyzipp:
“Is that anything like unfunny diarrhea clown?”

Hetero Doxy:
“man you people are pathetic. sheep being led to slaughter by the corporate welfare monolith that runs houston.”

Yoda:
“Hoo hoo hee, wild is the pickoff throw, to third Viz goes.”

Jacksonian:
“Listening to Milo is like using an icepick to remove my own wisdom-teeth.”

pravata:
“His strolls down memory lane are turning into safaris lately.”

HudsonHawk:
“I would have absolutely beat the living shit out of him if I could have.”

Breedlove:
“Milo still walks around with Damp-Rid in his pockets, sifting it down the leg of his pants onto the field at Enron like some wack Shawshank escape plan.”

Andyzipp:
“That reminds me…I forgot to clean up all the hair I shaved off your wife’s back last night.”

Hetero Doxy:
“man, you need to start chewing sugar-free gum, beavis.”

Alkie:
“I saw an old woman today with the biggest toe I’ve ever seen. I’m not shitting you, this thing was bigger and longer than my thumbs.”

Austin:
“Being nekkid ain’t like throwing a curve”

Mind Boggler:
“Replace the baseball words here with political words and you see why a system of government like ours cannot possibly work.”

pravata:
“If Pol Pot is under house arrest, just don’t go into that house”

AstrosGuy:
“You rump swabs need to start dealing in reality and stop slavishly believing all the spin and BS the front office and media feeds you.”

Hetero Doxy:
“any team with charlie hayes, orlando merced, and wayne franklin on its roster has plenty of room for major league talent”

Brandon M:
“Hunsucker is 99% dumbass and 1% retarted.”

Jim R:
“It is 3:43 PM, OU sucks, and a troll is here.”

TxRascal:
“If you think Lima’s ERA is ‘miniscule’ then you must be using Uranus as a reference point.”

Waldo:
“Yes, it IS my ass, and it’s right here in this chair.”

Limey:
“It’s crack in loud trousers.”

pravata:
“Strained hip flexor must be Venezuelian for ‘key main ignition sequence'”

Breedlove:
“I heard he corks his pants.”

Alkie:
“Let’s be honest here. I’ve watched porn for a full decade and those ‘cheerleaders’ from the XFL were the trashiest, nastiest crack whores I’ve ever seen.”

Limey:
“Alyssa in the sky, with dime rates.”

Andyzipp:
“Hanging up on a phone sex operator is not the same as turning down chicks.”

Michael N:
“You are a fool. The master of the utterly juvenile, misdirected and clich? retort.”

Jim R:
“Fuck off.”

BEST SLAM OF A FRONTRUNNING TROLL
pravata

After several Zone-dwellers noted the disappearance of frontrunning Reds fan Truth after the last-place Astros swept his team last July, pravata had this to contribute…

“‘Truth’ is a laughably incoherent troll pathetically clutching his machine-autographed photo of KG Jr. and shrilly screeching diet tips at the unheeding back of Dante Bichette. ‘Take the skin off the chicken!’ he suggested.”

BEST SUGGESTIONS FOR BALLCLUB TO MAINTAIN FAN INTEREST
Limey

The dog days get even worse when you’re 20 under .500, and fans begin to come up with their own ideas of fun at the old ball yard. Case and point from late last summer…

“In honour of the circus-like on-field performances recently, I propose a number of ploys to keep fans interested in watching the remaining games:
1) Being too short to play 3B, Chris Truby will be issued stilts and a top hat. A by-product will be that he’ll have much more chance on those high choppers down the line.
2) Lugo will dress in a black cape and topper (he already has the pencil ‘tache), and strap a female fan selected at random to the base path between 2nd and 3rd. It will then be up to the the rest of the team to prevent baserunners from running her over as they parade around the bases on the latest sequence of hanging curves, passed balls and infield boots.
3) First base will be converted to a scale, and fans invited to guess the weight of Daryle Ward.
4) Instead of actually having to hit pitches, the opposing hitters will be invited to play a test of strength game. They have a mallet, and have to hit the peg as hard as they can. The pole will be marked from a single to a home run, and the hitter will be awarded bases depending on how high he can raise the marker.
5) Fans can play GM, by trying to guess the number in Jeff Bagwell’s head.
6) Children can arm-wrestle the bull pen pitchers (nobody over the age of 7 is eligible).
7) Mo Alou’s “House of Fun”, which consists of a moving treadmill and a stationary bike.
A full scale version of MB’s “Operation” game, with Caminiti as the patient.
9) Jose Lima’s Home Run Challenge, with a prize for the hardest hit tata off the Astros’ 20-game winner.
10) Pairs of fans can have their inside legs bound together, and race Tough Tony down the line to first base. Tony gets a 20 foot head start.”

BEST MUSICAL PARODY
Breedlove

Watakushi no kioku ga tashika naraba, the tremendous and ultimate japanese cooking show known to Americans as “Iron Chef” has accounted for a large percentage of off-topic TZ conversation. After a much-hyped rematch between a-hole New York cook Bobby Flay and the kingpin of neo-japanese cuisine Masaharu Morimoto aired on the Food network in June, Breedlove became inspired. The natural combination of highbrow Asian cuisine and the Charlie Daniels Band produced the following masterwork…

Bobby Flay went down to Tokyo, he was lookin’ for a match to steal.
He was in a bind ‘cuz he lost last time and he was willin’ to make a deal.
When he came across this young man standing on the dais and eyeing his wok.
Bobby jumped up on a cutting board and said, ‘Boy, let me tell you what.
I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m egocentric, too.
And if you care to take a dare, I’ll make a match with you.
Now, you make pretty good sushi, boy, but give Bobby Flay his due.
I’ll bet my fame against your good name, ‘cuz I think I’m better than you.’
The boy said, ‘My name’s Morimoto and it might be a sham
but I’ll take your bet; you’re gonna regret, ’cause I don’t use no Pam.’
Morimoto, season up your wok and grab your lobsters quick,
‘Cause Hell’s broke loose in Tokyo, and Bobby Flay is a prick.
If memory serves he shocked his punk chef ass last time
But his dishes were so weak no one listened when he whined
And if you win, you’ll get to watch the redhead stepchild’s shame,
but if you lose, you’d better change your name…
Bobby Flay opened up his ears and he said ‘I’ll use this corn.’
And fire blew from his fingertips as he pureed up a storm.
He threw the kobe on the stove and it made an evil hiss.
Then audience chanters joined in and it sounded something like this…
When Bobby finished the Iron Chef said ‘Well, you’re pretty good, ol’ son,
but get the cameras rolling, and let me show you how it’s done.’
Fire on the lobster grill yum yum yum
Bobby Flay’s in the land of the risin’ sun
Fingers in the rice pan, makin’ a roll
Doc, do you chew dog or swallow it whole?
Bobby leaped up on his counter though he knew that he’d been beat.
He had to appear confident, he was in on the cheat.
The sumo wrestler judge loved his beef and corn
The fortune-telling critic treated Mo with scorn
And Morimoto said, ‘Bobby, just come on back if you ever wanna try again.
I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I’m the best that’s ever been.’
He played….
Fire the lobster grill yum yum yum
Bobby Flay’s in Kitchen Stadium
Lobsters so drunk they’re ticketing them
US Embassy judge shows the fix was in

FINEST SLAM OF IRATE ASTROS FANS
Andyzipp

After former-Stro Derek Bell punked the home team last August with a bomb to send the game to extra frames, then proceeded to diss Houston fans, TZ was calling for dude’s head. Enter Andyzipp with a bucket of ice water…

“To all the persons who have spouted off since the top of the 9th inning about Derek Bell needing to be thrown at, plunked, drawn and quartered, et al, you really just make me sad in a very manufactured home, Nascar, COPS sort of way.
Bell is an ass. He was an ass in Toronto. He was an ass in San Diego. He was an ass in Houston.
Having said that, no matter what the frickin’ Raw is War crowd who surfaces for these ‘moments of extreme vengence’ has to say, not one of you inbreeds would have the nads to throw at Bell yourself. I know you’ve probably thrown at people in your life, but Derek is a little bit larger than the kids in the Father/Daughter softball game last week.
Bell was an ass at Enron last night. Why that means the fans need to show their asses or think the Astros pitching staff need to stoop to the level of Derek is just beyond me.
I have an idea. How about the Astros let Bell know about it by throwing behind him one time, and then not letting him get a hit the rest of the series?
And for the moronathon who seems to not remember a brawl and somehow feels sad about that, dude put down the steel chair, cut off the mullet and read a book, preferrably one without pictures. Whatever is left in the homemade bong you call a head is screaming for some stimulation.”

MOST TRAGIC TAKE
Kit Cars

“Okay so I’m in Austin TX sitting at the Crown & Anchor Pub, minding my own business.
The ball game is on the tube above the bar.
The Astros have cranked 3 taters and are up five to zip.
Houston’s R.O.Y. (screw Pujols) Oswalt is mowing down the AZ Diamondbacks like Grant took Richmond.
I have an ice cold pitcher of Harp in front of me, my Irish pal Quinn “the Eskimo” is 2 bar stools to my right and his terrier Matty (I call her bait)on a barstool in between us.
Beautiful women are all but standing in line to fawn and coo over Matty and talk with the nice guys who are sitting with her. I was thinking that life couldn’t get much better, when into the bar walks a single, stunning young woman, who proceeds to plunk herself down on the stool right next to me on my left and before I can come up with any dazzling ice breaker she says without hesitation “I just love baseball don’t you?……”.
Instantly I considered whether a proposal would be presumptious or not on my part. Had I had the equipment I would have frozen time at just that second and lived and died a happy man, forever looking into her deep blue baseball loving eyes. But as sure as life is filled with wonderful surprises one must also know the dark side is there to ruin all that is true and good.
Unfortunately it all came crashing down in a matter of seconds, as she parted her moist pouty lips and spewed forth the following.
‘Except for NL ball, its like watching paint dry’
and
‘Hey bartender, can you turn on the Yankee game instead?’
Life can be so cruel…………….”

BEST NEW TERM COINED IN TZ
Jim R

Minutes after From The Dugout made its debut last summer, editor Jim R was asked if he ever consider pitching in a senior hardball league. His response included an immediate Site Glossary addition…

“No, I turned down all offers to pitch, including two this year. that is why I can still throw. I did not want to throw my arm out trying to strike someone out in a denial league game.”

GREATEST COMMENTARY ON NEW YORK FANS
Limey

Prior to the start of the nauseating “Subway Series” last October, Limey illustrated the difference between Mets and Yankee fans…

“NYISD has determined that different Math Exams are required for pupils in NY’s two largest population groups, Mets and Yankee fans. Here are the most recent math exam papers.

MATH TEST FOR METS FANS:
NAME: __________
NICK-NAME: __________
GANG NAME: __________
1. Shug has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Malkie for 300 dollars and 90 grams to Gozy for 90 dollars a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Tony pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is 40 dollars a trick, how many tricks per day must each ho perform to support his 500 dollar a day crack habit?
3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7,000, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got $350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $33,100 per year, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the bitch who spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Bagga steals Dunky’s skateboard. As Bagga skates away at a speed of 35mph, Dunky loads his brother’s piece. If it takes Dunky 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Bagga have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATH TEST FOR YANKEE FANS:
NAME:__________ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
DADDY’S COMPANY: __________
1. Todd smashes up the father’s car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local senator to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe’s personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn’t even notice the difference. Is she dense or what?
3. Roly fancies the arse of a certain number of chicks, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 hits of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to bed the other two-thirds?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 4 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 6 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his New Yorker column start?”
“Roly fancies the arse of a certain number of chicks” is a particularly outstanding phrase. Nice job.

MOST GROUNDBREAKING INSIGHT
HudsonHawk

Shortly after Hetero Doxy proclaimed Houston a “chickenshit sports town” because KILT doesn’t broadcast Astroline over the Internet and that it was ultimately George W. Bush’s fault, HudsonHawk offered a theory on how HD developed his unique brand of logic…

“Yep, that’s right. Prior to George W. Bush becoming governor, things were different. You see, way back in 1994, Houston was just a small farming community of 800 or so people. Everyone loved each other. The churches were full and no one ever dreamed of there being a topless bar in town. The other great thing was, there were 137 sportstalk radio stations, and all but one of them broadcast over the internet. There was no industry, no pollution, and no traffic, well except when farmer Johnson’s cattle got loose on Westheimer. You see, Westheimer was just a dirt road back then and whenever there were cows loose, the traffic was just a mess, John Deeres three and four deep! HD was in paradise. Then, depression set in. George W. Bush was elected governor of Texas. Governor Bush, Dubya to his friends and enemies alike, wasn’t from around these parts. He had recently completed a stint as managing general partner of HD’s favorite baseball team, the Texas Rangers. However, Dubya was on HD’s shit list. He had traded away his favorite player, Sammy Sosa, and then committed the ultimate crime against humanity. He fired HD’s hero, Bobby Valentine. HD knew it was only a matter of time before Dubya destroyed his beloved town Houston. Now, 6 years later, just look at Houston. A city of 4 million people, cars everywhere, and refineries and chemical plants blowing pollution all to hell. The worst part is, as soon as Houston started to grow, the necks moved in. They got themselves elected mayor, city councilmen, judges, and dog catcher. Of course when the necks moved in, the decent, hard-working, upstanding sportstalk radio stations moved out. Sadly, they were replaced by guys like Kenny Hand and John Granato, corporate welfare lackey necks. Oh, if only you could have seen Houston in the good old days, the early 1990’s.”

FINEST “NM” RESPONSE
Roger Cedeno’s OTHER Spleen

In response to a post about the rejection by both local and state judges of the application for an alcohol permit for Little Woodrow’s bar (proposed downtown near EFUS, but more importantly, right next to Annunciation Catholic Church and Incarnate Word Academy)…

“I guess the nuns prefer a 500 foot radius of vacant lots, winos and beagle-sized rats [nm]”

HONORABLE MENTION: Hetero Doxy

The wonderful thing about this one is that it is applicable to any TZ thread…
“you bushlets need to pass the bong- doping your way thru school only works if your daddy is a congressman (nm)”

FINEST SUBJECT LINE
Limey

“Michael Bolton a No Talent Ass Clown – Official”

MOST SUCCESSFUL RESET OF A PAST HOF TAKE
knoxbanedoodle

After pravata reminded us of his famous “ferret on double expresso” line…

“I used to work at a coffee shop. We force fed some rodents double shots of espresso but never ferrets. Missed opportunities, I guess.”

MOST RIDICULOUS MISUSE OF A JOHN FACENDA IMPRESSION
No? In Austin – (Honorable Mention for TAKE OF THE YEAR)

After the first annual TZ softball game was completed, No? In Austin foolishly took the name of legendary NFL Films announcer John Facenda in vain. Kev & Scott however, do not feel the need to shut the barn door after the horses have already run out. Instead they recommend that users with broadband access download an MP3 of the greatest musical composition of all time and listen to it while reading. Text is bolded for appropriate emphasis…

“If you could get John Facenda, (a.k.a. ‘The Voice of God’) to read the report from yesterday?s epic struggle between Houston and Austin, would it sound/read something like this:

‘They were Houston men of perhaps questionable courage, or intelligence, who decided to take on what must of seemed the weight of the world in a power struggle known only to many as a mere softball game. The reality, however, is that it was much more than a game. It was a destiny for all these road warriors, one that they would surely remember for as long as their tired, worn bodies would remind them.

For when they got into their vehicles to travel to Austin, little did they know that they were walking into a waking nightmare of an opponent known only as the Steel Curtain of death, or Curly?s Heroes to those who loved them.

The fact is, nobody gave them much of a chance, therefore there wasn?t much to lose. Maybe it was the realization by the Houston leadership that they had to open up on offense and give all they had if they had any chance to win.

Whatever the reason, these inspired road warriors came looking to conquer their opponent with speed, elegance, and power all in one violent attack that could only be termed as misguided and amusing.”

It began as most softball game do, with the taunting and banter that quickly converts the man into the child that is required to step into arena of play. Today it was the ice-bucket chill of a Central Texas winter and a field that was not the frozen tundra as expected, but a sand covered infield that gave way to an outfield of grass that would surely try the souls, and hamstrings of the brave combatants. This sand would surely mix with blood as the dubious will to win would take over and all matters of the world would be forgotten for a few short hours. Only the struggle within the field of play would be the focus and the broken bodies that would lay as testament to really good ideas with really bad execution.

The muscles strained this hour, the arms lifted in the air in victorious rage, and the eyes fixed on the objective for each player. To the players, reality is one against one.

Move and counter move. Nowhere is this conflict more evident than at the fringe of the battlefield, where the participants match glares. Here cunning and speed determine the victor. One-on-one. The battle where the loser bleeds alone on an open field. Strange silence, the sort of silence reserved for religious experiences, is also a partner to this huge task at hand. More muscles strained, more pumping of fist. Men fixed on the prize with a determination that can only be described as awe-inspiring. But enough about the beer drinking around the keg, there was also a game to be played.

Many runs scored on the porous defense displayed by both teams. So much so, children cried and women laughed at the pitiful exhibition. There was, however, the gritty display by Austin?s Curly, who showed dedication and fortitude unlike has ever been seen in these types of endeavors before. In the end all that was left was to forget about the recreational activity that required muscles aches and pains and to retire to fight again another day. At the post-game ceremonies, where reality would give way to overblown descriptions of miraculous feats on the field, the whole affair was summed up nicely by not a survivor of the contest, but a little 2-1/2 year old boy who screamed:
‘Wahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha… Oh…’ and then silently retired to the other room to ponder about life. A lesson to all that day and surely words of wisdom.'”

BEST SLAP OF OCTOGENARIANS NOT CONTAINING A DEPENDS UNDERGARMENT REFERENCE
Limey

In response to one of Alkie’s spring training reports from Kissimmee, which included a complaint that buying tickets “took about 30 minutes because the 1,000 year old couple in front of us didn’t understand what ‘March’ was,” Limey became reminded of one of the Sunshine State’s lesser known courtesies…

“Is it true that every restaurant in FL will liquify any meal in a blender and serve it with a straw?”

BEST LIKELY ALZHEIMERS-INDUCED POST
Abe Simpson

During a discussion back in March on why some dugouts are physically “dug out”, while others remain at field level…

“We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere. Like that time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville; I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickle, and in those days, nickles had pictures of bumblebees on them. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have any white onions, because of the war; the only thing you can get was those big yellow ones. And that’s why dugouts are called bullpens.”

FINEST SLAM OF AN ASTROS BROADCASTER
JB

Surprisingly, Bill Worrell was not the recipient of this laserbeam…

“Do NOT . . . EVER . . . EVER . . . (one more time for emphasis) EVER . . . besmirch the good names and careers of men like Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, Honus Wagner, and Jimmie Foxx by referring to Milo ‘The Shill’ Hamilton as a Hall of Famer. In a year when there were obviously no other candidates, Milo received the Ford Frick Award. That means his name is engraved on a little metal plate on a sign located somewhere in the Hall of Fame building in Cooperstown. By that standard, Pete Rose and Eddie Gaedel are Hall of Famers, too! While it saddens me greatly that the likes of Red Barber and Mel Allen have to share space with a two-bit satellite dish salesman, let’s not compound this crime against humanity and our precious national pasttime by buying into Milo’s sad, pathetic fantasy that he is a Hall of Famer. This is the same man who at this year’s Houston Baseball Dinner turned to Jeff Bagwell and said, ‘Jeff, I’ve seen that daughter of yours and you should look forward to having a son because SHE looks just like YOU!’ Moron.”

BEST EXCUSE FOR BEING REFUSED AN AUTOGRAPH
No? In Austin, as told by Curly

One day in TZ, No? In Austin was whining about being dissed by Denny Walling as a youth in the 80s. Curly was able to provide the rest of the story…

“Noe came up to him with a ball in one hand, two Lowenbraus clinging to the plastic six pac rings in the other, and a third of a pound of barrio queso embeded in the front of his Farrah Fawcett tank top. I’d tell him to go to hell too.”

BEST REACTION TO A BASEBALL MILESTONE
matadorph

After Hetero Doxy reported in TZ that Barry Bonds had just sent career yack number 500 into San Francisco Bay, we all learned more than we wanted to about matadorph’s evening…

“You know it’s just not your night when you wait and wait and wait for Barry to come to bat only to leave him with one AB left all because you’re hoping and praying that you’ll get lucky with the new hottie at the restaurant who’s feedin’ you crumbs like a bored old man with the pigeons in the park and she ditches you at the rawk show for the keyboardist who’s invited her to the after-show party and you go home alone yet again only to discover the big splash into McCovey Cove. Mutherfucker.”

BEST EXPOSE
Andyzipp

During a thread on Twins SS Cristian Guzman that turned into a commentary on why Pokey Reese wears his hat crooked…

“Pokey Reese actually has a lopsided head. Sure he tried to hide it by joining the CornRow Club for men, but the second he puts that cap on, the lumpy rutherford is there for all the world to see. Word is MLB is working on a intricate series of “under the lid” counterweights and pulleys to balance things out. Until then, he’ll just have to live with the ridicule.”

BEST ACCOUNT OF ON-FIELD ACTION
Bagman5

This was from GAMEZONE in June. After Tough Tony Eusebio got hit by a fastball squarely on top of his left hand and TZ-legend pravata surmised that trainer Rex Jones’ evaluation consisted simply of poking the already swollen meat hook and asking repeatedly “does this hurt?”…”does this hurt?…”does this hurt?”, etc., Bagman5 offered Tony’s most likely response…

“Ow, Si’. Ow, Si’. Ow, Si’ estupido!”

MOST ASTUTE OBSERVATION
Hetero Doxy

TZOL was not alone in noticing the coach’s deviance from his normal pattern one Friday afternoon, but HD truly put the anomoly in perspective, and somehow used the opportunity as a springboard to bash the political right. This is talent, folks…

“can an astrologer out there (maybe a reagan republican) help me? raup has started 2 threads today. is some moon of some planet in some form of retrograde?”

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
HudsonHawk

One of the powerful new heirs to the TalkZone legacy, HudsonHawk ran roughshod in some of the most supreme debates seen on the board in 2000-2001. Possessing a perfect blend of baseball sense, enthusiasm, skepticism, spelling ability and intolerance, this already-seasoned pro has at times reminded us of the unflappable TZ-legend Prince Of Heck. We look forward to what promises to be an amazing TZ career.

FINEST ALTERNATIVE SPORTS TAKE, AND WHAT THE HELL …
TAKE OF THE YEAR
Curly

This one occurred mere days after the 2000 HOF Spectacular, when all the rage was the addition of Dennis Miller to the MNF booth. Curly’s unexpected, unassailable masterpiece lit TZ like a Christmas tree before taking the country’s e-mail boxes by storm and eventually earning a slot at ilovebacon.com…

“What are viewers in for with Dennis Miller in the Monday Night Football booth? You have no idea, cha-cha.

AL MICHAELS: Hello and welcome to another edition of ABC’s Monday Night Football, tonight broadcasting from beautiful Fed Ex Field in Washington, D.C. I’m Al Michaels, and joining me in the booth are two new members of the ABC family, Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts.

DENNIS MILLER: Wow, Monday Night Football. I don’t want to appear nervous, but I’m under more strain right now than Linda Tripp’s Capri pants. I have to tell you, I’m conflicted about this. I usually like to be the outsider, the rabble-rouser, the iconoclast, but I also like a nice seat at a sporting event. And this seat is as nice as they get – except I think I took one of Boomer’s old squeak toys up the ass when I sat down.

DAN FOUTS: I was a quarterback.

MILLER: Thanks for that insight, Mr. Peabody. Dan Fouts, everyone. I’m looking over here, and he’s giving me that same blank stare I see when I put my dog on the phone. Hey, this isn’t the Senior Tour, Chi Chi. Try to keep up.

MICHAELS: Tonight the New England Patriots will try to get started on the right foot after a disappointing 8-8 showing last season. They take on the Washington Redskins, whose owner, Daniel Snyder, has paid out $65 million in free agent salaries and bonus payments in the off-season and is looking for results.

MILLER: Snyder is throwing around cash like a screech monkey playing with a pop-up Kleenex dispenser. But he’s a real hard-ass – it must be great to coach this team. Norv Turner comes to work every day, hands his balls to Gus, the 80-year-old equipment guy, who puts them in a footlocker behind the Stairmaster until the end of the game. Did you catch that one ass-chewing Turner received last season? Lee Harvey Oswald got off easier in that little room at the Dallas P.D. And when Turner finally got out of there you could tell he was looking around, desperately praying for Jack Ruby to show up and end his fucking misery.

MICHAELS: The teams are on the field, and we’re almost set for the kickoff.

FOUTS: I was the quarterback. I didn’t go on the field for the kickoff.

MILLER: Jesus, Shaggy, saunter on back to the Mystery Machine and take a breather, OK? Why don’t you pick up your brain off that pile of papers it’s holding down and see what happens when you plug it in? The game’s starting, and I feel like Corporal Agarn trying to explain supply and demand to the fucking Hakowis.

MICHAELS: As always, the Fuji Blimp makes its annual appearance at Monday Night Football. Glad to have you back, gentlemen.

MILLER: It is balloooooooooon! (High-pitched cackle).

MICHAELS: Starting at quarterback for the Redskins will be Jeff George, whom I guess one could call a journeyman at this point in his career.

MILLER: I have to admit, when I saw George on the roster I thought he had as much chance of making the team as Linda Hunt on the set of Baywatch. This guy’s been around – he’s called a lot of plays under a lot of centers. He’s seen more giant asses than a guest chair on the Jerry Springer Show.

MICHAELS: Snyder spent plenty in the offseason to sign star players such as Deion Sanders and Darrell Green on defense.

MILLER: Yeah, but look at that Fantasia broom army of social misfits the Redskins call an offensive line. I have a feeling that George’s appearance tonight is going to be shorter than Mini-Me stooping over to pick up one of Dr. Evil’s monocles.

MICHAELS: George drops back to pass, moves out of the pocket and finds the veteran Michael Westbrook, who is tackled after an 11-yard gain.

MILLER: Look, I’m new, I don’t know that much about defensive schemes. But it seems to me right there that the middle was as vacant as an interview with Posh Spice.

FOUTS: I was in a Miller beer commercial, and your last name is Miller.

MILLER: Hey, Aristotle, save some of the probing insight for the rest of us, OK? How come I’m getting the funny feeling that this is an episode of The Munsters, and I’m Marian, the normal one? Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but the useful comments coming from your side of the booth could be counted on the one hand of a bad wood shop teacher. I can still see the jelly on your forehead where the electroshock terminals were attached. When I took this job, they didn’t tell me that I would be teamed with Pepe the Human Hamster on one side, and on the other a broken-down ex-quarterback who makes Jethro Bodine look like David Niven. I want to find the psychotic network programmers who thought up this train wreck and point out that this shit has to be harder to watch than a sausage being made.

FOUTS: I like sausage.

MILLER: Ah fuck it, where’s my propeller hat?

MICHAELS: The handoff is to Stephen Davis, who is tackled at the 39-yard line by defensive tackle Henry Thomas. But there’s a flag on the play.

MILLER: I’d have to say that was the poorest result since O.J. took the lie-detector test. And look at that ref, will ya? He’s got more nervous tics than a Belfast valet.

MICHAELS: That play will be brought back, making it first and 20 from the 49-yard line.

MILLER: Hey, who took my Raisinettes? Damn you, Roone Arledge! Damn you to hell!

MICHAELS: George back to pass … and the throw to Westbrook falls incomplete. Ty Law covering on the play.

MILLER: I don’t want to be a downer here, but how about throwin’ the freakin’ ball to the other side of the field, you know, cha-cha? You’ve got Westbrook drawing a bigger crowd than Anna Kournikova at the maximum-security lockdown at Rikers, while meanwhile the kid on the other side is lonelier than a hooker at a Star Trek convention.

MICHAELS: To be fair, there have only been four plays so far.

MILLER: Come on Al, you missing link. That receiver is being shunned like an Amish kid with a nipple ring. The left side of the field is to George as a shower is to the French. You’ve got a better shot at hearing Charlie Sheen give the keynote address at a Promise Keepers rally than you do of ever –

MICHAELS: Sorry to break in on you, Dennis, but Washington is guilty of a false start, and that will set them back another five yards.

MILLER: The ref is whipping out that flag like it’s the only lighter at a crack house.
Later that evening:

MICHAELS: So your final score is Washington 17, New England 10. We’re headed off to San Francisco for our next Monday night broadcast, hope to see you there.

MILLER: I may be late; I don’t fly. It’ll be me in my Chevy Nova playing Mad Max with the Madden Cruiser all the way down Route 66, and you’ll know I’m winning when Pavorotti starts hurling six-legged turkeys out the skylight for ballast.

MICHAELS: What will you be doing with your remaining time in Washington, D.C.?

FOUTS: Doing a little sightseeing.

MILLER: I’ll be back at the hotel, masturbating like a red-assed monkey watching the Banana Channel.

MICHAELS: So from all of us here at Monday Night Football, see you next week.”

Viva Curly.

(Editor’s Note: to experience the maximum impact of the following dramatic announcement, please conjure image of the 68-year old, mini-skirted Tina Turner crooning “Simply The Best”)

2001 TALK ZONE MVP
Limey

In this volatile, unpredictable world, several things do remain consistent: Limey will average more posts per workday than anyone else, will “outscoop” every other wire-watcher, and will deliver coherent takes on virtually any subject. While legends slack and idiots flail, Limey is as constant as the northern star.

After building momentum for the past couple of seasons, the recent mastery of the one-liner and grasp of ‘major smack-running’ has catapulted this gladiator to a lofty position among TZ’s elite. An amazing ability to drop even the most obscure breaking news on TZ at headbreaking speed, tremendous crackdowns, disturbing alternative entertainment recommendations, an unmatchable number of posts, and a zero-tolerance policy on idiot frontrunners have helped to establish Limey as one of the board’s largest presences.

His ability to enlighten Zone-dwellers on the nuances of ‘futbol’ and hooliganism has also made him an invaluable information resource to the horde of ‘necks that frequent this place daily.

Props to Limey for his selection as MVP and 2001 KING OF THE ZONE. It should also be pointed out that Breedlove, pravata and No? In Austin earn MVP honorable mentions for their sterling efforts over the past year, making this year’s race for the Golden Scott one of the closest ever.

Unfortunately, it’s that time again. Time for us to take a look back at a few of the more memorable TZ moments that have amused, irritated and horrified Zone-dwellers over the past year. Some you will remember, some you won’t, but all struck us as unique. Like last year, at the bottom of the list, we identify the 2000 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

THE JOE NIEKRO “UNSUNG HERO” AWARD
Wild Dog

Let it be known that Wild Dog becomes the first winner of the AstrosConnection Joe Niekro Unsung Hero Award. Named after the tremendous, yet often overshadowed ex-Astros pitcher, this prestigious honor is presented to deserving Zone-dwellers for unique service to TZ. Props and thanks to Wild Dog for his tireless efforts towards creating a better-informed TZ through the weekly tradition “Rev. Wild Dog’s Sunday Morning Trivia Service.” Not only does this spectacular, if unofficial public service cleanse TZ of residual vitriole from Saturday, but is considered by hundreds of Zone-dwellers to be a legitimate substitute for church. Hail to Wild Dog – you da maign.

FAVORITE EXCERPTS FROM TZ DISCUSSIONS
Various

“How dare you cloud the issue with facts!” – MusicMan

“Only my laundry man will know what this division is doing to me.” – AstrosGuy

“True homerism doesn’t need to seek out the enemy camp and run through with its ass hanging out.” – Holly

“I’m going to stuff the Martin in my pants and head for The Tavern…” – Wild Dog

“Still waiting for the one-legged cross-dressing German midget on a horse who can hit leadoff and play short.” – Doran19

“In my extensive travels around the world, I’ve seen a lot of dirt. And the best I’ve seen is the red kind.” – Dirt Boy

“Cookies, apples, and pie are deserts.” – AstrosGuy

“Any of those Astros show up at my door, forget it, no way you’re gettin in my house. Lessen you have a pizza and a sixer.” – pravata

“(The Astros) revenue is higher than the Indians, and I have the facts to prove it.” – Hetero Doxy

“Come hither son, and I will layeth my hands upon your sinus area.” – Paul G

“Perhaps we should be like the hippies and pretend that rubbing a crystal in our pits actually does anything other than upset the crystal.” – Andyzipp

“Check your diaper, son, the Reds got a higher rating than the Tigers.” – Michael N

“you too can have access to the Mistress of the Keyboard to speed up your hunt and peck sausage fingers as they mangle their way through an all left hand typing of the word ‘wasted'” – Derek in Tucson

“Astros suck, Reds don’t” – Mr. Red

“Your bullshit level exceeds your stupidity, and that’s quite an accomplishment.” – MusicMan

“I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly colored, mealy templed, cranberry smelling, electric donkey bottom biters.” – Ray K

“Really good phlegm has nice range and picks up anything it touches. Though the throw to first may be difficult since it has trouble with the release.” – Jacksonian

“I see more crotch grabbing in here than the last time Alfonseca pitched.” – pravata

BEST OLD MAN POST OF THE YEAR
Grandpa Simpson

Surprisingly, this one didn’t come from Spider Pellini, Spack McGrim, OR Jim R. Anyway, JayR asks the simple question, “where did the term ‘rubber game’ come from? Grandpa Simpson’s (Ray K) response…

“Ah, that’s easy. Back in 19-diggety-2, we used ‘diggety’ because the Kaiser had stolen the word ‘twenty’, players back in the old days were real men. They wouldn’t think anything about playing hurt. I remember a game where One Eye Brown, we called him ‘one eye’ because he once played an entire road trip with a broken bat handle in his left eye. The owners wouldn’t let him see a doctor until the road trip was over. It took two surgeons and a cobbler to make an eyepatch to fit over that bat. Anyway, where was I? Oh, like I was saying players were tough back then. You kids today might not know it, but the old-timers thought nothing about playing two, three or four games in one day. In fact, good ole Bernie Planks used to say “Let’s play three!” Those dadburned reporters thought he meant three innings and the manager suspended him without pay for being a slacker for twenty-two years. I still remember him begging everyone for bread, but none of use would take kindly to slackers back then. Back to my original point about the games, why we often played triple-headers in the summer heat. It would get so hot that some of the players would get delirious and start eating the outfield dirt. Back then, as you know, we couldn’t afford none of this fancy grass that you kids today get to roll around on. Why only the Yankees could afford grass, and those carpetbaggers used a fancy imported grass. It was a hybrid of Kentucky bluegrass and something else I can’t recall. Not only could you play three games on it, but the players would often set fire to it between innings and get stoned out of their minds. Those were the days before rolling paper, you know. If you think fields get hot today, you should have played in twelve hours of summer heat on packed dirt. We couldn’t afford thermometers then, so we’d measure how hot it was by frying our meals on the pitcher’s mound during the seventh-inning stretch. Hey, where are you going? I’m not finished yet! The food would be gritty, but by the last game of the triple-header the pitcher’s rubber would be hot enough to cook on. There’d be a big fight every day between the players over who would get to cook their food on the pitcher’s rubber and not have to take their tetanus shots that day. Tetanus shots were no big deal back then. In fact, we’d often have to take booster shots between innings in Cleveland. Fortunately for the hometown Indians, the extra lead in the air gave them some immunity. Like I was saying, in the huge brawl in 19-diggety-3, Ty Cobb clubbed Honus Wagner and stole his dinner, not because Cobb hated dirty food but because he thought Honus was a pansy. They didn’t call him the Flying Dutchman for nothing, if you get my drift. After that, the owners stopped playing triple-headers and eliminated what everyone called the rubber game. It wasn’t until the Bambino came along that the league ran out of tetanus shots and the owners gave us metal plates to cook our food on.
What was the question?”

BEST FRONTRUNNING SMACK OF THE YEAR
Doxman

After the Astros ripped through the Cubs last year at Wrigley, with Carl Everett going 9-for-13 with 10 RBI in the series…

“CUBS LOSE !!! CUBS LOSE !!! CUBS LOSE!!! Sorry Skip & Chip…. Looks like old Harry wasn’t smiling down on Wrigley this weekend…. Probably got baked on gin and Budweiser and passed out face down in his cloud. HOLY CARL!!! How ’bout our man Everett. Guy comes off the DL and goes McGwire on chi-town. Can you hear the pre-game on this….

Milo: ‘Say Carl, It’s great to have you back with the team.’
Carl: ‘Thanks Milo, It’s great to be back.’
Milo: ‘Do you have any strategy for your return, I mean, How’re you gonna play ’em today?’
Carl: ‘Well Milo, I’m just going to take it easy and enjoy myself, and I thought maybe I’LL MAKE THE ENTIRE CUBS PITCHING STAFF MY BITCH!!!!!!’.

I love it. God help me I love it so.”

BEST YACKBALL-INSPIRED POST
Dr. Seuss

“Oh, the Yacks you could yack
if only you’d hack
You could yack like a grak
On a hackberry track
To yack is such fun
When Yack has begun
Yack under the sun
with a fun-gundy-bun
You can yack by yourself
Or yack with an elf
Or yack by the shelf
Of a fair flerry-felf
If you want you can try
To yack in the sky
But try not to ask why
A yack-bird can’t fly
To Yack you must click
And your fingers must flick
But don’t go too quick
Or the jav-jav will stick
Oh, the Yacks you could yack
if only you’d hack
If your high score’s on track
You could run TZ smack”

MOST EMPHATIC SLAM OF A CARAY
Kevin

When responding to Dabird’s question as to why Braves announcer Skip Caray is hated so intensely at AstrosConnection, El Jefe provided the shortest possible explanation (excerpted)…

“…one would think that The Ridiculous Bastard would possess some tinge of humility in his voice/style, having been present for the entirety of the eighties, during which the Braves were for the most part absolutely horrific. Instead, The Ridiculous Bastard embodies all that we hate. A smart-ass, condescending, bitter litany throughout the entire period that he defaces a broadcasting booth has contributed mightily to my white-hot hatred of the Braves organization in this decade. Homerism is fine, but The Ridiculous Bastard is not content with mere homerism. The Ridiculous Bastard’s father (The Bud Man) and son (Candy Ass) had/have a gig calling MLB games, and bigger homers have never been heard anywhere in the civilized world. Still, their commentary would never drip with the disdain, contempt, and arrogance such as spewed forth by this gravy-training, flippant a-hole. Yea, the list is long when I think of the examples of The Ridiculous Bastard’s wretched speak. Many are the times when an opposing batter has gotten wood on a ball, that The Ridiculous Bastard quickly fires off an impudent “grounder short side retired” before the ATL fielder has even gotten his glove on the ball. Yes, there have been those joyous moments when The Ridiculous Bastard botches such calls, tripping on his own arrogance, but like an AndrUw Jones/Michael Tucker “look at me everybody I’m being nonchalant” snap catch to retire the side, The Ridiculous Bastard all too often gets over with his flippant takes and the ATL-hate among non-bandwagonners grows even hotter. When Smoltz retires the side on five pitches, The Ridiculous Bastard is there to count them for us and remind us that Smoltz is the light and the way. When Holt duplicates the feat five minutes later, it is dismissed as merely a favor granted by the mighty ATL. A more monotone, unexciting announcer we have never heard. A grating, nasal voice that is truly the sound of hell. Ass-kissing his own organization at a level unseen since the last time Jim Rome had an in-studio guest, all the while maintaining a collective yawn at the merits of other teams and their players. A bigger scoreboard-watcher than The Ridiculous Bastard you will never see, especially in this period of long decline for Atlanta and challenge from New York. The smugness, vanity and self-loft of The Ridiculous Bastard is reflected in perhaps the most arrogant permanent sneer ever witnessed on a human face. It is horrible to behold, and has never failed to give me the urge to break everything in the house when I am unfortunate enough to see it fill my television screen…”

WORST SINGLE REPRESENTATION BY AN OPPOSING FAN
REDSFAN

During a heated battle between Zone-dwellers and invading Cincinnati fans last August, REDSFAN could hold back no longer and let loose with…

“there is a hits leder tho’ some hogheads would like to ignore that. ruin it? hold your own without slinging insults, and that would be BUFOON thank you.”

Who says Cincinnati can’t deliver in the clutch? Honorable mention goes to bearer of truth, who addressed the Astros’ monumental drop from first to worst with this classic…
“You shouldn’t have run so much smack in the offseason, queers!”

BEST SLAM OF A CONTRIBUTING EDITOR
Ray K, MusicMan

The infrequency of Minor Opinions columns is a favorite slam topic of Zone-dwellers. Here is an epic exchange on the topic of TZ-legend Michael N’s slacker tendencies…

Ray K – “My analysis shows that Nash’s column production this season is way below his career averages, leading me to think that he’s slacking. When’s the last time anyone saw Nash hustle to get a column in on time?”

MusicMan – “No, no, no, Ray. In past years, Michael was producing during the “juiced modem” era. Adjusting for “terminal effects” will make this obvious to you.”

Ray K – “But even considering the juiced modem, you wouldn’t expect to see his content/column ratio drop so drastically. Oops, I forgot to take into account the effects of aging.”

MusicMan – “That’s what happens when organizations hold on to players too long. In an ironic twist, MN should have been traded for prospects before the season began. While many would cry that such a move would show no loyalty from Kev and Scott, the Big Freight Train must keep moving to the future. Face it Ray, someday, someone will come along with a nicer ASS, and you’ll find yourself on durhambulls.com, desperately trying to squeeze out another year of columns. It’s just the nature of the game.”

MOST LONG-WINDED ENTYMOLOGY OF A BASEBALL TERM
Two Moon – (Honorable Mention for Take Of The Year)

“The term “pastballs” was coined in reference to eunuchs, as some have guessed. There is quite a bit more to it, however. The phrase fell out of favor for many years, until revived by Voltaire when describing masquerades already completed — as opposed to upcoming events. Thus it was that persons who had lost their popularity and would no longer be invited came to be known as “pastballs.” That particular bastardization did not resurface until the 20th century.
In the meantime, Samuel Johnson adapted the antiquated form in reference to sovereign rulers who governed poorly — effectively saying they had lost their “manhood”. This is noted on page 794 of Boswell’s Life of Johnson. Boswell inquires as to Johnson’s opinion of Napoleon Bonaparte, to which Johnson replies, “He, sir, was a brilliant strategist. When the conquering was done and time came to rule, however, Napoleon joined the overflowing ranks of pastballs.”
At the same time, the American colonies were in the process of revolt. Thomas Jefferson, a Francophile, commonly included the term “pastballs” in his public speaking appearances. He used the word loosely, though. Jefferson once said, “That King George, whose rule is unquestioned only by His own Self, has exposed these Colonies to Tyranny for too long a time. We will have our own way then, for we Recognize the Right of Man to Proclaim another a Pastball, Who has no Right of Rule or other Dominion over Free Men.”
Gradually this usage came to mean that any idea whose time had long since come was a “pastball.” This was true in Boston when angry colonists took to the streets in protest of the continued British military presence. “Taxation without representation is a pastball!” was the shout that carried the day. When Publius (Madison in this case) penned Federalist Paper 19, he said, “That the States united should have the power through the consent of governed to keep separate the church from the state is pastball. This tradition continued when Martin Luther King led a march to Washington. At the Mall he was heard to say, “Free at last, free at last; Great God Almighty it’s pastball.”
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, Sen. Joseph McCarthy (WI) was busily accusing a plethora in the entertainment industry of Hollywood of being communists. They became pariahs, and were referred to by some as “pastballs,” who one should not be known to fraternize with. The Busch family, avowed communists in St. Louis, decided to divert attention from the Red Scare. They began the practice using “pastball” in reference to the catchers on their baseball teams that played poor defense and were doomed to be released. The best example was probably Billy “Thumbs” Mulligan. One local newpaper account of a 1958 game read, “Mulligan is a pastball through and through and will not rejoin the team next year. The phrase caught on, and now refers to any pitch that escapes the catcher and is not the fault of the pitcher.”

BEST ACCOUNT OF AN AA MEETING
Alkie

Posted in the middle of the night towards the end of last season, this one requires no explanation…

“It is 3 in the AM and I just returned from, without question, the single most frustrating night of my entire life, save my first prom night.

First I would like to tell Queen B and anyone else that still thinks Derek Bell has any worth at all as a Major League ballplayer: sorry, but if you still like him, you need to learn more about baseball, because like Derek, you obviously don’t understand how it works. Derek Bell is inept as a baseball player. Maybe someday I’ll vote for him as mayor, but that’s about it. Ben, I believe you offered to buy him a bottle of Jack and a rental car, I want you to know that we have a fund started so you don’t have to front all the money yourself.

Second, I would like to apologize to the owner of the Tavern (who was nice enough to not only Air Condition his restaurant, but appearantly the whole f***ing town, as the temperature outside had dropped 35 degrees thru-out the night). It seems that between me, Michael N, and AZ’s Lackey, we made quite a mess of the place. Our bad. Well, actually it was the Reds fault, but I apologize for all of us. I can’t tell you what a pleasant experience it was discovering that the only time the Astros do WELL is when I am sitting in the men’s room, listening to the rest of the meeting whisper (as if they were in a saw mill) about me in the next room. Fantastic. At least I almost started 3 different fights with members of AA. My grandpa would be so proud.

Third, I want to express my many deepest thanks to the Houston Astros Baseball Club for allowing me this extra month of October to worry about my job, my classes at UT, and my friends. Without you guys bowing out before the postseason, I might have actually neglected those facets of my life for yet another 30 days or so. Look at it this way…the Spurs used to choke every year in the NBA playoffs. Maybe after the next strike shortened season (in two years) we can be the Houston Astros — world champs… but never in a non-strike shortened season, too. Good luck, guys… you’re REALLY gonna need it.

Fourth, I wanted to “thank” mr k for paying that kind woman to rub her sweaty cleavage in my face while he laughed hysterically. Yes, to celebrate the big Reds win, Michael N, mr k, and I went to the Yellow Rose to spend all of mr k’s earnings for the week in grand fashion. Not only does my face smell like 6 hours of sweaty guys now (thanks, BITCH) but I have almost no more self respect and I managed to piss off a dancer. Ha. At least mr k is quite the magnet and MAN does he know how to sweet talk the dancers. Props to him. Oh, and to Michael N, who was so drunk, he kindly allowed some horsebeast to sit in his lap while she tried to steal his wallet, his ring, his watch, his glasses, only to manage to get away with his pride. Kudos, buddy.

I finally return home; cold, stinky, sober, broke, pissed, frustrated, horny, and depressed. So, what could possibly make me feel better? How about two emails from ex girlfriends, berating me for SOMETHING I did (probably years ago) and a phone call from two banks that payments are overdue.

But, there is some good news in all this for you Astros fans out there in Astros Land…since nothing ELSE has gone right for me the last 24 hours, you’ll be pleased to hear I’m considering using this battle cry for Wednesday night…

LET’S GO REDS!

So, a goodnight to all and to all a goodnight. Except Derek Bell, who I sincerely hope finds religion overnight and realizes his lifelong duty of giving out pamphlets on Westheimer.”

BEST SUGGESTION FOR BRAVES MANAGEMENT
AZ’s Lackey

Amid a ridiculous discussion last October on racial stereotypes, the political incorrectness of the Atlanta Braves’ name and their fans’ lame chant, AZ’s Lackey provided a suggestion that no doubt several Zone-dwellers would find fitting…

“Personally I think Atlanta should change their mascot to the ‘Redneck’. Their chant would be ‘Somebody jiggle the handle’ and their mascot would be some fat white guy in a ‘WIFEBEATER’ t-shirt that doesn’t make it to his bellybutton and a huge beergut hanging over his 1982 Lee Jeans… They could wave big foam beer cans…”

MOST MIND-BOGGLING POST OF THE YEAR
Andy Cleary

While the actual reasons that Mike Hampton left H-Town may never be known, we knew things had gotten way out of hand in a Hampton trade aftermath thread when Andy Cleary hit the TZ with this after Breedlove stated that “not all facts are true”…

“I happen to dabble in philosophy (comes with the math background). There is no 100% thing as truth, fact, or any other construct of the human mind. All constructs of the mind are *models of reality*, useful because they can help us to predict and/or control the future of reality (to evolutionists, this is the “selective advantage” that the mind gives us). The more accurate they are, the more useful they are. We might say that the sun will rise tomorrow, and we have an enormously high chance of that being an accurate prediction of that aspect of the future. However, it most definitely has a miniscule chance of being a poor model (the sun could blow up, etc). Just because something has happened so many times before that we cannot count it does not *guarantee* that it will happen again, it is just a very good prediction when you say it will happen again.

Even the “laws” of physics lie in this realm: they have always held (at least through human history), but that is no guarantee that they will always hold… They are just observations of how things *have been*, not guarantees of how they will be.

In this sense, then, all a “fact” or the “truth” is is a model for which we have very, very high confidence in its accuracy. If I think something is 99.99999999% accurate, I’ll probably call it a fact. Drop a few 9s, and I might still call it a fact. Take it to 90%, and I’d probably say something like “I *think* this is true”. Take it to 50%, and I’m certainly not going to say it is a fact.

It is oftentimes easier to be confident in a model of reality when it has occurred in the past; hence, many people are uncomfortable calling something in the future a “fact” (note, though, that just because something happened in the past doesn’t guarantee it as a fact; there are still a lot of people arguing about whether or not Jesus really rose from the dead, for example). There is nothing absolute in making this restriction, but certainly you are missing one very helpful thing in feeling confident about your model when you talk about the future: you can’t *measure* something that hasn’t happened yet, and measurement is an important part of making accurate models of reality. I think it is fair to say that most people would not count a prediction about baseball players’ futures as “facts”, just because history shows how unpredictable performance is. I suspect everyone would buy your prediction on Hampton as “you feel very strongly that Hampton has had his best year”, but I doubt anyone feels confident enough to call it a fact. But there really aren’t any black and white rules. I mean seriously, I’m not even sure we could agree on a definition of “best year” even in retrospect, so this can’t possibly be a “fact”.
As an aside: if you disagree with my statement that things in the past cannot be 100% accurate, consider an example like, oh, “I went to work yesterday”. Sure, that’s a “fact”, but there are still fuzzy edges all around. For example, where do I draw the boundary on “I”? When I eat a cheese-nip, is it part of “I”? This isn’t nearly the conundrum that the Greeks (big eaters of cheese-nips, the Greeks) made it: there is no magical point at which it becomes part of me. It is just that the model of reality that is the word “I” is a model that isn’t 100% accurate.

Similarly, all nouns are a little fuzzy if you go all the way down to the quantum level, since you can’t even tell where things are at that level. That doesn’t make these concepts useless, not at all: I have (there I go again, using that word “I”) been reasonably successful manipulating the world using a model of reality in which I approximate some part of it collectively as “I”. The problem with the greeks was they wanted things either exactly right or exactly wrong, whereas every single construct of our mind lies somewhere in between. What is needed is an aualitative and perhaps even quantitative understanding of the difference between good, accurate models (like the laws of physics) and poor models that have no predictive value (like “if I *believe* in something, that will make it happen”)(I was going to say “religion” but I’ve overstepped my TZ bounds enough already…)”

Sus S’s response…

“Welcome to the Talk Zone. You are now a full-fleged member.”

BEST DEER STAND TAKE OF THE YEAR
Melville, Saskatchewan

During speculation on Ken Caminiti’s back injury due to a deer stand incident in the offseason, Melville, Saskatchewan busted out with this…

“Are you the kind of guy who loves wacky hijinks and shenanigans? Do you entertain your friends with joy buzzers and whoopie cushions? Have we got the product for you!!! The Deer Blind Funseat 2000!!! With its special Collapse-O-Matic (patent pending) seat back, you’ll roar with laughter as your friends come tumbling down. Just listen to what these celebrity endorsers have to say:

‘This ol’ boy asked me to come huntin’, and I wuz just sittin’ in the blind thinkin’ about trucks when I fell right down and busted my butt,’ – Houston Astros slugging third baseman Ken Caminiti.

‘I just sat right down and the dang thing fell apart. I broke my dang leg,’ – San Diego Padres hurler Carlton Loewer.

‘Ever since I saw the plaintive look of a deer trapped in my car’s headlights, I’ve been unable to find the strength within myself to shoot one. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Do you like poetry?’ – Houston Astros pitcher Chris ‘Tabu’ Holt.

‘Did somebody say huntin? Count me in!’ – random NASCAR driver.”

BEST PERSPECTIVE ON THE DOC GOODEN ACQUISITION
Dwight “Doc” Gooden

When TZ went off the hook in January after Gerry The Hun signed the aged Gooden to a minor league contract, the man himself allegedly offered a few words to bolster confidence among fans…

“anybody got a taste? Juss a little taste, man. Thass all I need. That and a bottle of fine brandy. An some wimmens.”

BEST COMMENTARY ON EFUS SCOREBOARD ANIMATIONS
The DH
During a discussion of the sad and inapproprate pre-game animation at EFUS that portrays the infamous locomotive blasting through the logos of other teams at high speed, The DH suggested a more fitting solution…

“I think the train tonight, instead of running into logos of other teams, is going to run over a blind man with an irritable bowel and a 400 pound woman with gout in her big toe.”

BEST BREAKING NEWS DELIVERED IN TZ
pravata, Limey, Arky Vaughan

Immediately after the Giants announced “Rusty The Mechanical Man,” a freaking ridiculous 14′ robot that rides down a track and blasts water into the air as the potential feature attraction at PacBell Park, the wires became hot with controversy…

“The Mechanical Man, a promotional gimmick from Old Navy has notified the club that since the advertising contract was for one year only, he will explore his free agent options next year. The Man’s agent, Scott Boras, says that ‘The Man is a legitimate three tool player, he can run, slide and swing the bat, I think there will be some interest’ … A spokesperson for the Giants said, ‘in today’s market stuff like this happens all the time, I think that if we lose The Man we’ll just stuff confetti in the cannon, sheesh I dunno.’ The Mets have already contacted the Giants about their one track right fielder.” – pravata

“Reports coming out of the Commissioner’s office indicate that the Giants may be under investigation. Sources suggest that San Francisco signed the Mechanical Man to a major league contract before his sixteenth birthday. Mechanical Man’s agent, Scott Boras, said ‘this is a terrible violation of my clients rights, and he is suffering terribly as a result.’ Boras is campaiging to have Mechanical Man declared a free agent … MLB’s Commissioner, Bud Selig, has called a press conference for 3.00 pm EST. He is expected to announce the investigation into Mechanical Man’s signing, and also to confirm the controversial sponsorship deal struck recently that will have the World Series renamed the Hair Club for Men Series.” – Limey

“Rusty the Mechanical Man of the San Francisco Giants is in hot water these days over published remarks made during an interview with Sports Illustrated. In the interview the Mechanical Man, who is thought to be made of steel, insulted other automated beings made of aluminum, tin, brass, and iron. ‘How the hell did they get into this country, anyway?’ the Mechanical Man asked rhetorically.” – Arky Vaughan

“THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE” AWARD
Breedlove

Breedlove’s take on the Astros organization allowing kids to run the bases (a firing offense for unauthorized staff) as part of a special promotion in July…

“The small sacrifice of kids getting to run the bases is only being made so the children can be tagged for observation. This is also why you are allowed to check out books on making bombs from your local library… so you can be identified as a potential terrorist. Expect crotchety taxpayers aplenty to shout “you kids get out of my yard” on the 9th, unaware that undercover AstrosSecurityServices officers are carefully monitoring the children to identify just who might run on the field to wreak havoc as an adult.

The ASS officers can be identified easily if you know what to look for — Hawaiian shirt busy enough to hide the bulge of the gun, sunglasses with built-in digital camera, a leftover Astros spring training cap with easy-breathing mesh covering the wire to the earplug, a box of popcorn hiding the taser, and a soda in an Enron Field commemorative cup, just for suggestive selling. If these fine people had been on the job in Milwaukee twenty-five years ago, we may never have heard the name Burly Visgar or seen John Rocker mooned in Chavez Ravine.

The crime in all this is not that the children are allowed to run on our field. Far from it. That damage will be quickly and easily repaired by the recently hired head of the grounds crew. Roger Swain, the small, roundish, bespectacled man with the Quaker demeanor and smurfy overalls from “Victory Garden,” takes over after Independence Day. (http://www.victorygarden.org/cast.html)

No, the crime is that the ASS officers are largely comprised of off-duty HPD officers working second jobs. Perhaps you’re thinking “Oh no, I’m paying more than necessary for my tickets to have these guys around.” Don’t worry. The joke of the whole thing is that the city is providing these officers to Drayton McLane to use at his whimsy, at overtime pay rates.”

BEST COMMENTARY ON THE SUBJECT OF BAGWELL’S BEARD
various

When an offseason appearance at the club’s annual awards banquet revealed that Jeff Bagwell had a long-ass beard, all hell broke loose in TZ…

“I don’t know whether I was expecting Bagwell to: a) Break into the opening strains of “Tush”, b) Produce the trophy from his chin, or c) Command Pharoah to let his people go.” – MusicMan

“Think of the nourishment value. After about a month of crumbs and drippings and spit and stuff collecting in his beard, when it rains he will have instant soup… the one to keep an eye on is Lima – God only knows what he would come up with to top Bags… I definitely feel the ghost of Charley Kerfeld at work here.” – Stain

“This is giving me Captain Caveman flashbacks.” – Holly

“The underlying question here is, if Brillo Goat Gruff takes one in the beard, does he get a free pass to first?” – Mooch

“We need a lefty hitting second. That way, whoever it is won’t be interfered with by Baggy’s beard extending from the on-deck circle if they’re hitting from the far side of the plate.” – Limey

“Is he trying to force a trade to the House of David?” – Jim R

BEST SLAM OF BUD ADAMS
ric

This one appeared in a football-related thread after the Oilers ERRR…Titans rolled into the Super Bowl, and Zone-dwellers were speculating on a postgame scene that might feature The Bastard hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in victorious fashion…

“I’m actually looking forward to it, as I really think Bud’s emaciated arm muscles will give way, unable to keep the trophy aloft above his head as all 30 pounds of it crashes against his noggin … of course, his toupee may actually provide ample protection”

MOST CREATIVE PREDICTION
Roger Cedeno’s Spleen

Prior to the horrific Astros facing the 11-2, 1.60 Randy Johnson for the first time…

“WWUS84 KHGX 270908
SPSPHX
TXZ163-164-176>179-195>200-210>214-226-227-235>238-272100-
SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE PHOENIX AZ
928 AM PDT THU JUN 29 2000
…NO-HITTER WATCH IN EFFECT FOR THE PHOENIX METROPOLITAN AREA…
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A NO-HITTER WATCH FOR SOUTH-CENTRAL
ARIZONA EFFECTIVE UNTIL 12:00 AM PDT
A STRONG RIDGE OF OFFENSIVE INEPTITUDE IS EXPECTED TO DEVELOP LATE THIS AFTERNOON AND CONTINUE INTO THE NIGHT OVER MOST OF THE WATCH AREA. A LARGE UNIT… 98 MPH HEAT… AND ABUNDANT TROPICAL MOISTURE WILL COMBINE TO PRODUCE THIS ACTIVITY. ASTRO MENTAL OUTLOOKS ARE BLEAK SO ANY STORMS THAT DO DEVELOP WILL BE SLOW MOVING. STRIKEOUT RATES IN THE SLOWER MOVING STORMS MAY EXCEED 2 WHIFFS PER INNING.
AT THIS TIME IT APPEARS THUNDERSTORMS, RANDOM OUTBURSTS OF PROFANITY AND THOUSAND YARD STARES WILL DEVELOP INSIDE THE CLUBHOUSE AROUND 4 PM AND REACH INTERIOR COUNTIES BETWEEN 7 AND 10 PM. A WEAK LOW PRESSURE TROUGH ROUGHLY ALIGNED WITH THE ASTROS DUGOUT MAY FOCUS HEAVY RAINFALL ALONG A BATTER’S BOX TO BATRACK LINE DURING THE NIGHT. THESE HEAVY RAINS MAY FLOOD LOW SPOTS AND OTHER LOCATIONS WHICH TYPICALLY FLOOD WHEN WATERCOOLER SMASHING OCCURS.
IF A NO-HITTER DEVELOPS PLEASE AVOID FLOODED ROADWAYS. NEVER DRIVE A VEHICLE THROUGH AN ANGST-FLOODED ASTRO BROADCAST. FIND AN ALTERNATE STATION.
THIS IS A DANGEROUS SITUATION! IF A NO-HITTER DEVELOPS, QUICK ACTION MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE. MOVE TO A SMALL INTERIOR ROOM ON THE LOWEST FLOOR. ABANDON YOUR TELEVISION OR RADIO IMMEDIATELY AND FIND A STRONG SHELTER. IF SHELTER IS NOT AVAILABLE… MOVE TO A DITCH OR CULVERT AND COVER YOUR EARS.
PLEASE REPORT SEVERE WEATHER TO THE COUNTY SHERIFF…LOCAL POLICE… OR DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY. THEY WILL RELAY YOUR REPORT TO THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.
STAY TUNED TO NOAA WEATHER RADIO FOR FURTHER UPDATES AND STATEMENTS.”

MOST WIDESPREAD ANNIHILATION DISHED OUT BY TZOL
February 1, 2000

As most Zone-dwellers are aware, debates of politics and religion account for a vast amount of Talk Zone Overlord activity. Off-topic or inane discussion usually accounts for the rest. January 31 – February 1 had it all. Rams QB Kurt Warner’s on-field prayer for injured Titans DB Blaine Bishop during the Super Bowl predictably started a war in the TalkZone, and TZOL enjoyed a banner day. Among the casualties, 142 posts (at the time, 57% of the board) – outdistancing the “Battle of ’98” as the most prolific carnage ever delivered by TZ’s grim defender.

FINEST RETORT IN THE FACE OF VALID STATISTICS
RocketMan Tex

After the Astros rolled the Pirates in the 2000 season opener, Cam Bonifay was quick to announce that Biggio and Bagwell were a combined 1-for-16 against game 2 starter Kris Benson, setting the stage for one of our favorite takes of the year…

“You’re going to need more than that drivel to cheer yourself up after this series, nutbush! I guess you’ll have to parade in front of the mirror in your old, stained ‘Franco’s Italian Army’ t-shirt. You know… the one with the holes in it and the Rolling Rock drool stains…”

Still cannot believe that dude dropped the “Franco’s Italian Army” reference. That and “nutbush” in the same take? It’s unreasonable smack like this that reminds us why we started the site in the first place.

BEST USE OF A SITE RESOURCE
RocketMan Tex – (Honorable Mention for Take Of The Year)

Back in May, dude used the entire contents of the massive Astrosconnection site glossary for perhaps the most epic take ever seen in TZ. The fact that dude was able to mix in a Philo Beddoe reference elsewhere in the same thread was just too monumental for us to handle.

“AA meetings are great because the topics of conversation run the gamut. Sometimes we discuss Adolf’s Cincinnati regime, sometimes Agent Jones’ random acts of kindness. But what’s most important is the guaranteed AIS. It’s always fun when someone shows up with an Angelos Fallacy and buys mugs of draft beer with Astro-Puff heads for everyone. Any who’d like to try it are most welcome; hell, for free beer AA members might even tolerate an ATL fan, as long as he enjoys making fun of B-Fat. Odds are he’d be yet another bandwagonner on the biggest bandwagon of all, but maybe we can show him Benito is an ass. Surely he already knows that if he reads the BFT.

Astros of yore like the Big Bopper are another favorite topic of conversation. If they played before the Big Milo, we can’t hear enough about them. We can hear enough about the Big Phone by the Bay, however. Billy D talk would surely be better.

As I write this, the goons on the rerun of Baseball Tonight are tsk-tsking Bionic Fat’s weak start. With any luck, the BFT’s blowtorch can handle the overload of traffic from Reds fans reading up on their hero.

Anyway, in the days before the BOB, the Bonham Bullet was the master of the brushback. The only guy in the world who didn’t know when he was going to hit a batter was the Bud Man. It’s difficult to imagine a better at-bat to watch than the Bullet throwing to C4 after hitting one of his teammates. Tense stares and random barking make for great television– if the Candy-Ass is calling it, just turn down the volume.

Not that Houston doesn’t have its own seemingly drunk PBP man. One night in the summer of ’99, the Astros were at Cape Coors and the Captain described a batted ball as a “smash” some 68 times. The Astros mounted a comeback reminiscent of the Cardiac Kids that night, but waving helplessly at cheese destroyed any hopes of a win. Maybe Cheo should drop the stopwatch and give some hitting tips, or at least fire the guys up like Chester Charge fired up the fans.

A little chin music always fires up hitters… maybe it could’ve helped the Chokers in the World Series, but it’s doubtful. That’s no Cinderella team. Watching them get rolled year after year is absolutely Clark, especially with Cletus spurning the Coif in favor of greasy curls only the Coneheads would properly have hidden. It never matters which crib they’re playing in, it always comes down to a Crisco K or a Cro-Magnon dong. I wonder why there’s nothing like CRUUUUUUUUUUZ going on for the Astros now? Does it have to do with the dumbing-down of fans by PBP-announcers crying yard with abandon? Is it part and parcel with the ADD of fans today? Maybe if it was shortened we could handle it. Obviously we don’t have the time for the announcer to say “The Demolition Man,” we can’t even stay all nine innings, like Dicketies fans flocking to the exits in droves after McGwire’s fourth at-bat.

The Mets look better than I thought this year, but still not that good. Dinero doesn’t play as much as he should, they really need a Doggie type in the outfield, and they’d be better served with the Donut Truck at first. They’ve got a Dr. Death wannabe in Turk Wendell, but that isn’t enough to overcome the soon-to-be-released Rickey Henderson doing his best E7 impression in left. It’ll be great when they roll into the EFUS. It’s not the Eighth Wonder of the World, as El Jefe will be quick to remind you, and El Loco can’t seem to pitch there or anywhere, but there’s nothing quite like beating a rich New York team; even if it’s not in the World Series against the Evil Empire with the Express on the hill.

A big part of Ryan’s longevity as a pitcher can be credited to his conditioning, which is why we were all shocked to hear of his heart trouble. It almost seemed the Fat Pig wasn’t fit to call his games, and surely the Fat Toad isn’t fit to be a Major League pitcher. But Berman can be avoided by listening to the Flag, and so can looking at Irabu.
I hope not to get flamed for this; it might not be as popular as the trough urinals on Foamer Nights, but Irabu made me think of Padre Phil and his band of California Frontrunners with zero game. The Padres need a pitcher who can throw gas. Name a pitcher on that team who can approach the Gas Can’s speed. You’d have an easier time convincing me that General Admission was a worthwhile addition to Astros baseball. I hope Gerry the Hun didn’t make that call. He’s got enough problems dealing with the Gestapo and Carl Everett gloss.

There was a notable absence of commentary on the looks of the Astros players from the GameZone last night. Maybe it really was GNO. I expected something on Caminiti’s going yard, but nada. Pitchers are really serving them up these days, and for once that includes all the Astros pitchers. The Golden Ruhle needs to get a handle on it; even Gortex blows saves by dropping balls, not gopher balls. Speaking of big flys, is that a gravy train in left field? It’s no substitute for the Great Wall of Houston, that’s for sure. Grimace would never of hit that, but he can certainly hit the tracks. Thanks, Grocer. Of course all the hacks at the lackey rag will gloss it like it’s a positive or something, but the fact that Baseball Annie Gammons likes it says it all. Now Hatcher’s Homer set it off, but Heavy D might’ve been able to hit the scoreboard– he could have hit the ball out of Hell on high cheese. I can just imagine the shooting guns on the Homerun Spectacular now. Oh boy, that makes me think of The Homer again. Homeron Field just isn’t home yet.

Lots of milestones are falling around baseball of late, including the 47-year career of Homo-Erectus. Not exactly huge, IMO, when compared to the 3000 hit barrier being broken by the Iron Nag. Lots of jack for that ball, I’d bet. I imagine Ripken would have liked being managed by Jalapeno Head because they’re cut from the same cloth in a lot of ways. Jimmy D might opine that two guys that tough were cut from the same burlap.

Could there be a more ridiculous mascot than Orbit? Hmm… Junction Jack springs to mind. WTF a rabbit has to do with Astros Baseball is beyond me. I wonder if it’s really Mike Magnante in that suit– JUNKtion Jack for the junkballer. Alas, M-squared has gone the way of the Killer B’s with the long-awaited departure of Derek Bell. Boy am I glad there’s not a “B” in La Mala’s name. Only real lackeys liked that nickname.

Speaking of lackeys, the Lackey Chron and Jim “Late” Rome must fairly be given that label since both have glossed Houston’s new launching pad, which doesn’t even have a Lefty’s Pub for Legend material. It’ll be interesting to hear what Little Joe has to say about it on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball this week. I’ll probably have more opportunity to LOL than when Ray K springs to the defense of Luca Brasi for getting unfairly treated for dropping a ball on the mound when he was facing lumber anyway. See how it feels to be in the minority, John, you missing link?
Man, after last night’s game I sure am glad the Murph’s favorite hero Nails returned home to end his career. When Nitro came in I was about as confident as the GameZoners who furiously write “The opposing pitcher has a no-no going (nm)” to jinx the opposition. I guess the Old Man knows a little about no-no’s, but I get the feeling any talk of OBP or OPS would be wasted on him. The only numbers he cared about were how many cans of Orange Whoopass he would open on the Dodgers, causing Tommy Lasorda to whine until he got thrown out of the game like that other fat-gutted team mascot Orbit, nee Orbit Simmons. Maybe the Outlaw will eventually pitch like Nolan. For now, he’s inspiring enough profanity to keep the Overlord wary. It was nice to see Pig-Pen come alive, too. It sucked to watch him get outplayed by the Piss Ant the last month; just knowing he had no chance against the Plumber unless the Brown was wild was disturbing. I bet PoH would’ve had a few things to say about Kevin Brown these days. Anyway, the game was a great turnaround from the ponche-infested impression of the Professor that Astacio put on Monday night when the Stros got punked worse than in the Racket fiasco. Still, all those runs make one long for the days of Rainbow Guts, a time before the Record, even before the Red Messiah was laid in that manger. The days when the Red Rooster ruled the roost.

There’s plenty of good in baseball today, though. Before you start ROFL, remember, every era has it’s Ronalds and Rynebergs and Scooby-Doos. We may not have the Scoreboard, Scotty’s no-hitter, or Scrap Iron anymore, and maybe we do start a few scrubs. We don’t even have the Sea Hag anymore, who might have had the best brief stint in Astros history, even better than Senor Smoke. But there’s plenty of Shiner, we theorize getting Slacker Jones, and we’re not a slappy team anymore. A few guys even have a decent SLG. It’s not a good time to talk smack to other teams’ fans; we just don’t have the smoke in our guns. But at least we can laugh at the Sniveling, Uptight Women as they rediscover the strike zone against other teams’ spares. And Caminiti instead of the Speed Bag is looking okay today. With his stick and defense, he’s playing like the Strangers of the last ten years, but there’s no doubt where his heart is, unlike T2. Yeah, TBS will continue to roll the Snivelers out there while we’re stuck with Taboo, but hey, with him we get beautiful takes after one of his tank jobs that raise the TalkZone Overlord from his slumber. How is he still an Astro? By day he’s a double agent in the offices of Team Bastard.

It would be great if we could have matchups of good players from different eras in their primes, like the Toy Cannon vs. the Trained Gorilla, or even grudge matches like the Traitor against Traitor II. The Truth would say they throw junk, but it’d still be fun to watch. The TZ would be spinning, and the TZOL would be reeling like Andruw Happy Jones did against Kile’s Uncle Charlie. He jumped out of the box so fast I thought he come out of his uni, inspiring razzing clearly heard from the upper tank.

Maybe I wouldn’t yearn for those matchups if the Wallet would let a little bread fly from his grocery store. Trading for the Whiner and the Witch, managed by the Wrangler, would be a beautiful thing. Add an X-Man type reliever, and Drayton would start to look like the Yacht Captain. Add in some hitters who can yack off a yacker instead of sitting dead-red, and the Houston yackwagon would grow to epic proportions.

But what do I know, I’m just a Zone-dweller.”

An “A” for effort, and without a doubt the longest TZ take of the year.

BEST REACTION TO GRIFFEY OVERHYPE
geezerdonk

“Following weeks of intense pressure from Peter Gammons and ESPN, Major League Baseball has announced that Ken Griffey, Jr. has been voted the NL and AL MVP, not only for the year 2000, but in perpetuity. Baseball has suffered widespread criticism lately for adhering to its reactionary policy of waiting until season’s end to announce award winners. The Commisioner’s Office denied charges that the delay was racially motivated. The ceremony will be held on April 13, the Reds’ next open date, at the foot of Mt. Rushmore where skilled craftsmen from all over the world are laboring 24 hours a day to transform the monument into four giant busts of the baseball legend. The award will be co-presented by holograms of Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. created by famed movie maker and special effects wizard George Lucas. Griffey is reportedly miffed that the presenters are not appearing in person. During the ceremony, Griffey will be seated on a golden throne encrusted with diamonds from his discarded ear rings. The holograms of Dr. King and Mother Teresa will come forward with the award on their knees, eyes downcast to demonstrate appropriate respect. Reaction from Griffey headquarters has been sparse. “It’s about damn time.” his mother said. Griffey himself would only comment “I am exalted. I will be exalted.”

MOST INEBRIATED TAKE
nhcohen

“Yeah, I have had a little bit to drink tonight, but I jsut wanted to say that the Astros are reassly going to pull it togither now, the win last night was really big, and I think we aer going to tkae out the ass redbirds bitches. Have a nice night.”

Posted the morning after an off day, so we’re still not sure which game dude was watching.

FINEST ASTRODOME TRIBUTE
Carnac

“‘The Old Man and the K’
by Carnac Hemingway

A two-act play loosely based on a true events.

START OF PLAY
ACT ONE

The Setting: The Astrodome, circa 1983. Young Carnac, his old man, and his old lady have commuted to Houston to see The Old Man hurl against the Dodgers. The Astros lead 2-0 at the end of two, on the strength of a two-run clout by Jose Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzz. The Old Man has fanned three Dodgers to this point including Pedro Guerrero, Greg Brock, and Jack Fimple.

Young Carnac: (informingly, to his old man) Dad, did you realize that Jack Fimple just became the 923rd different player to be struck out by the Ryan Express?
Carnac’s old lady: (angry) I can?t believe they let them do that!

Carnac’s old man: (perplexed) What?

Young Carnac: (confused) Huh?

The Old Man: (releases warm up toss) Grrrunnnttt!

Beer vendor: Coldest foam in the dome! Collllllllddddd Beeeeeeerrrrrr! Colbeer!

Carnac’s old lady: (angrier) I can?t believe they let them do that!

Carnac’s old man: (perplexed further) Who?

Young Carnac: (confused further) Huh?

The Old Man: (releases another warm up toss) Grrrunnnttt!

Carnac’s old lady: (angrier still, gestures toward the right field seats) The KKK has a sign hanging in the outfield!

Carnac’s old man: (Dome foam spews from the mouth, laughing hysterically).

Young Carnac: (dismayed by his old lady’s lack of baseball savvy) No, Mom. They hang a K for every strikeout Ryan records. He has THREE K?s!

Carnac’s old lady: (eureka) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Huggins: Now batting for the Dodgers, Fernando Valenzuela.

The Crowd: (pockets of Mexican-Americans salute Fernando Valenzuela as he strides to the plate).

The Old Man: (releases first pitch to Fernando) Grrrrrrrrrrunnnnnttttttttttttt!
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
The Setting: May 14, 2000. Ohio.

Old Carnac: (mourning, despondent) God bless her. I miss her dearly. Rest in peace, Astrodome.

Old Carnac: (to TZers) End of an era? Or the end of Astro baseball as we know it?

END OF ACT TWO
END OF PLAY
C.H.”

BEST EFUS COMMENTARY
Duez

After the Brewers overcame a 7-run deficit in the bottom of the ninth to punk the Astros back in May, sending them 12 games under .500, Duez reflected on the true price of EFUS…

“Man, I remember staying up late the night of the vote on the stadium referendum… I remember hoping and praying for the new stadium… although I knew the polls showed there wasn’t much chance. Then we win the vote by 1%.. whew… or NOT!”

Looks to me like Drayton made a deal with the DEVIL…

DEVIL: Well, Scrawny Grocer… I’ll give you your stadium… but, you’ll never win again!

GROCER: Can I have a train? With Smoke and a Bell?

DEVIL: Deal, sucka.”

TOP 10 ALAN ASHBY “GLASS HALF FULL” OBSERVATIONS OF THE YEAR
Austin Astroholic

“10. ‘On the plus side Milo, while Ward let the ball go over his head and roll to the wall, he didn?t smash his head into the wall chasing it down, which might have ended what is sure to be an incredible career from this youngster.’
9. ‘Milo, a win today could really signal that the Astros are ready to turn the season around and sustain a .900 winning percentage from here on out.’
8. ‘Jose Lima is fortunate that that was a baseball hit over the train tracks and not a pointy rock hit right back to the mound, because the way it was hit, it might have severed a vein, causing Jose to bleed out right on the field.’
7. ‘I don?t care what anyone says, that ball hit off of Dotel would have been out in ANY major league park.’
6. ‘The way Tony busted it down that line shows me he?s feeling no lingering effects from that hamstring, because he almost beat out that double play.’
5. ‘Every single position player was in the clubhouse on time today and that shows me this is a team with some real discipline.’
4. ‘As he steps in as the tying run with two outs in the ninth, we should remember that Tim Bogar has been known to hit for power on occasion.’
3. ‘The good news is that no one feels worse about that than Doug Henry, and that tells me what a fiery competitor he is.’
2. ‘That?s a mistake Julio Lugo will make less and less as his career progresses.’

And the number one Top Ten Alan Ashby ‘Glass Half Full’ Observation:

‘Remember, those runs are unearned.'”

FINEST “D WARD” TAKE
D WARD

Ah, the TZ cultural phenomenon known as the D WARD Take. TZ’s most famous troll has done plenty over the past year to make Zone-dwellers feel better about themselves, has killed innumerable threads with his quick wit, and has introduced “U FOO” as the first defining phrase of the new millennium. As the mysterious and ephemeral D WARD continues his climb towards Legend status, we felt it only fitting to preserve his most ridiculous retort for all posterity…

“IF U ON CRASH DIET THAN U FOO”

BEST STATEMENT REGARDING OPPONENTS’ GARB
Andyzipp

After Jim R had explained to BudGirl what the “TC” stood for on the Twins’ current cap and stated that it may have been the franchise’s original cap, Andyzipp disclosed a little known fact…

“Not really… the original hat had 2 live carp stapled to it. Worked fine in the cooler climes of the Twin Cities, but not so well on road trips.”

BEST DAVE CLARK REFERENCE
Breedlove

Breedlove’s quick look at the stats through June revealed a possible new standard for Astro pinch-hitting futility, but more importantly revived the spirit of the epic Andyzipp “Clark” takes for a new generation of TZ-dwellers…

“In 1998, Dave clark brought a twelve-year resume of lefthanded pinch-hitting excellence to a Houston ballclub sorely lacking just those talents. He produced a season that can only be described as Clark. In 131 at-bats, with a sneaky .548 OPS (yes, that’s the whole thing, not just SLG), Clark drove in a total of four runs, or one every 33 AB’s.

Now, lost amidst the Astros season of woes, at least one player is quietly attacking one of the teams’ more notable records. He too is a specialist; a righthanded pinch-hitter who chews up lefties and spits them out. Matt Mieske’s assault on Clarkdom looks like this: 50 at-bats, a shifty .521 OPS (yes, that’s the whole thing, not just SLG), and 2 RBI. At one RBI for every 25 AB’s, Mieske remains behind Clark’s record-setting pace, but Clark should be warned that the chase is on.

Mieske’s assault may go unnoticed but for those in the know, but people around the league are starting to follow The Chase. Shawn Green remarked, “I was just getting used to calling everything Clark.” Craig Biggio said of his teammate, “Mieske is a little harder to say than Clark, but we’ll adjust.” “%#&*!” was Mitch Meluskey’s mercurial reaction, which captured the mood of teammates split in their loyalties between the man who did so much for the ’98 playoff team and the man they now share a clubhouse with. “We won’t let this affect us on the field,” manager Larry Dierker remarked.

Lefthanded pitching killer Mieske has left quite an impression around the league. Asked to comment, Randy Johnson declined. Tom Glavine responded, “Matt who?” “Yeah, I remember him,” was Mike Hampton’s elusive reply.
In this disappointing season Astros fans looking for something to cheer for may have finally found it in The Chase.”

MOST HEARTWARMING STORY OF THE YEAR
Alkie

“It’s Mardi Gras ’99, New Orleans. We’re walking from our camp (a minivan) at Tulane University to the French Quarter, stopping at every liquor store along the way. My good friend Matt decides to get a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill and whips it out on the street to start drinking it.

One of the nastiest, most disgusting, trashy whores I’ve ever seen in my life (two legs) walks over to him, grabs his shoulders and yells ‘DRINK THAT BOONE’S BABY! OHHHHH YEEAHH!’

The story loses something on the Net, but just trust me, it cured us forever.”

BEST ADVICE FOR LARRY DIERKER
JB – (Honorable Mention for Take Of The Year)

Immediately after the Astros dropped a 9-6 10-inning affair to the Dodgers in June which was fraught with confusing late inning moves and non-moves…

“Dear Mr. Dierker:
I’m glad you’re the Astros manager. You have managed through some amazing difficulties in the past and skippered them to three division championships. That’s good.
I’ve just returned from tonight’s game, and while you don’t know me from Adam, I’d like to point out a few features of the game with which I believe you may be unfamiliar.
1) A REGULATION GAME IS 9 INNINGS. This is important to remember. Say, for example, that you are the home team and the score is tied in the bottom of the ninth. If you can score just one run, the game is automatically over. The other team will not get another chance.
2) WHEN PLAYING AT ENRON FIELD, THE ASTROS ARE THE HOME TEAM. If you can see a great big choo-choo on the left field wall, your team (the Astros) is the home team.
3) BASE RUNNERS MAY ADVANCE ON FLY BALLS. If you can get a man to third base with less than two outs and then manage to get a batter to hit a deep fly ball, the runner at third is allowed to run from third to home after the ball has been caught. If you are the home team and the score is tied in the ninth inning, this could win the ballgame.
4) THE RULES ALLOW A PLAYER TO “BUNT” THE BALL, INSTEAD OF SWINGING AT IT. Say you have a player at second base (let’s call him . . . “Lance”) with no outs (and just for fun let’s say it’s in the bottom of the ninth and the score is tied). You may instruct your batter (by having your third base coach use “signals”) to hold his bat parallel to the ground and simply tap the pitched ball, causing it to roll slowly away from home plate. This is called “bunting.” By bunting the ball toward the third baseman, and forcing him to field it, you can force the defense to settle for throwing out the batter at first and successfully move “Lance” from second to third. In or hypothetical situation, you would now have a man at third with less than two outs. (Please see #3, above.)
5) THE RULES OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ALLOW A MANAGER TO SUBSTITUTE ONE HITTER FOR ANOTHER. This little-known tactic is called “pinch hitting.” The theory is that in certain situations, it may be more important to get a hit than to stay with a particular position player. For example, let’s say its the bottom of the ninth inning (see #1, above), you are the home team (see #2, above), with men on first and second and no outs you have just bunted the runners to second and third (see #4, above), and now, with one out, you just need a fly ball to bring home the winning run (see #3, above). Assume for a moment (just assume) that the batter who is due to hit came into the game hitting .125 on the season (see #6, below) and that you have sitting on the bench another player who plays the very same position who came into the game hitting .386 (see #7, below). You may remove the .125 hitter and substitute the .386 hitter, thus roughly tripling your chances of getting a hit or a deep fly ball.
6) .125 IS NOT A GOOD BATTING AVERAGE. A player whose batting average is .125 is not a very good hitter. He is not a player you would want to have batting in a pressure situation like, for example, the bottom of the ninth with men in scoring position and the game tied. You might want to consider pinch hitting for him (see #5, above).
7) .386 IS A PRETTY GOOD BATTING AVERAGE. A player whose batting average is .386 is a pretty good hitter (or is at least on a pretty good tear). As a general rule, players with higher batting averages make excellent pinch hitters (see #5, above) for players with lower batting averages.
I hope that pointing out these admittedly obscure and arcane facets of our national pastime may be of some use to you should you ever find yourself in circumstances such as those described above. Thank you for all that you have done for the Astros and for all that I know you will continue to do.”

BEST ACCOUNT OF HUNSICKER REVISIONISM
pravata – (Honorable Mention for Take Of The Year)

After providing an account of a Gerry The Hun interview back in March, pravata was questioned as to whether the issue of Biggio’s glaring lack of triples in 1999 was addressed at all…

“There was a preternatural, eerie, unnatural, weird, odd, bizarre, almost conspiratorial, silence which precluded any mention or thought on the matter of triples. There were vague hints, references, furtive movements just out of the peripherial vision, suggestive of vast unknown landscapes, hollow places in the black spaces between the stars, blackness upon blackness spiraling into an abyss of unknowing, daring anyone of mortal sanity to mention the lack of triples. Biggio is said to have brooded in the off season, on the steps of an ancient and crumbling temple, despondent and dour, despairing of his brush with the greatness of the statistic of the accumulation of doubles.

I swore an oath that I’d never mention the suspicious lack of triples for Biggio in the 1999 season, and so I failed to report on the hints and innuendo pregnant in every pause of Hunsicker’s soliloquy on Biggio’s spring training labours. In short, no.”

BEST OFF-TOPIC COMMENTARY
pravata

Minutes after ABC announced its new Monday Night Football announcing crew of Al Michaels, Dan Fouts and Dennis FREAKING Miller, all hell broke loose in TZ. pravata summed up everyone’s thoughts of a broadcast featuring the smug Miller.

“…God forbid we should get some commentary that is vaguely related to the game we are watching. I can imagine this pre-Parkinson’s head bobber blabbering about pop cultural references while trying to find a connection between whatever psuedo-philosophical misconceptions are chasing their tails in his head on that particular day and the fact that Tampa Bay just ran the ball on 3rd and 7. Like I don’t have enough of that in my life. I know it’s just entertainment but what is entertaining about it is that it is football. Do us all a great big moon pie favor and stick to stringing your pretty word pictures together about a topic that has no possible effect on our lives, politics. OK? That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.”

BEST COMMENTARY ON ALKIE’S PERSONAL LIFE
various

How many messages does it take to get from Whitey Gammons bashing to Alkie’s seemingly unrelated sordid past? Lets find out…

Breedlove: “Mr. Jackson is getting up in years and cannot be expected to remember what he has written from one week to the next. Darts, a scratched off Mass lotto ticket, and a beagle with a cone over his head all figure into his trade scenarios.”

Trey: “Don’t forget about the three shaved monkeys, a bicycle, a midget, and two cans of tennis balls.”

Wild Dog: “Was that a male or female midget, and if female, how many legs did she have?”

Trey: “Technically she had three, but one only had two toes, so I don’t know if you can really count that one. Gammons is such a total freak. I mean, what sick twisted person would think about dogs with cones on their heads and female midgets with two and a half legs?”

Wild Dog: “Alkie.”

Trey: “Alkie can’t ride a bicycle, and he likes hairy monkeys.”

Wild Dog: “Ask him about his one-legged midget experience.”

BEST HUMOR AT THE EXPENSE OF THE DISABLED
Limey

In response to a recent Rob Neyer article highlighting the history of player ejections that among other things, brought to light the fact that deaf mute Dummy Taylor was ejected five separate times…

“just picture the scene…
Ump: ‘Don’t you look at me like that!’
Dummy:
Ump: ‘I’m warning you.’
Dummy:
Ump: ‘That’s IT! You’re OUTTA HERE!’
Dummy:
Ump: ‘I SAID, YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!’
Dummy:
Ump: ‘GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!'”

FINEST SLAMZONE MOMENTS
various

Ah, who can forget the historic first post of the ill-fated ALL-SLAM FRIDAY, that unfortunately set the tone for the kind of generally weak smack that we would witness over the next five weeks…

“Kyle’s mom is a fat bitch.” – Eric Cartman

Despite such humble beginnings, the SlamZone did provide the setting for a select number of genius blasts, which were recognized at the time with “Slam of the Week” honors. Here they be, in chronological order…

All-Slam Friday, 09/03/99 – hosted by Bill Clinton, president of the United States
Winner: JB
Subject: MLB Umpire Union Chief Richie Phillips

“Dear Mr. Phillips:
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your fine representation of your clients at Overeaters Anonymous, a.k.a, the Major League Umpires Association. Without you, these men would be working a grueling 600 hour work year for as little as $150,000. Thanks to your tireless efforts, however, they can now look forward to a life spent cashing generous unemployment checks and selling used baseballs on Ebay.

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!! Have you ever opened your mouth, even once, for any purpose other than changing the foot that was previously in there?! What delusions of adequacy led you to so totally misrepresent your clients? Stop now, and crawl back into the cesspool from which you arose. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Lest there be any doubt as to utter contempt for your legal skills and judgment, let me just say that I wouldn’t piss on your face if your teeth were on fire!”

All-Slam Friday, 09/10/99 – hosted by Ricky Martin, latin sex symbol and international superstar
Winner: Colt45
Subject: Cleveland Indians Fans

“Good God! Have ya’ll run into any of these stupidly fat, pompously deluded, morally corrupt assholes?! They’re worse than Cryboys fans. I’ve attended a home series in Cleveland every year since ’96 and they get more f***ing obnoxious every year. They have surpassed Cubs fans in spewing “We Rule! You Suck!” rhetoric and excuse making for why they haven’t won it all since 1954. It’s always a conspiracy when things don’t go their way especially regarding free agency signings and trades. Everybody’s out to screw the Indians (never mind that John Hart is seemingly unable to pull the trigger on a single deal to aquire a true number one starter). The Braves screwed them out of Neagle, the Astros screwed them out of Randy Johnson, the Yankees screwed them out of Clemens. They’re already discussing who’ll be screwing them out of A-Rod and Griffey. Everybody’s jealous of the Tribe! Everybody is in cahoots to screw the Tribe!!

F*** them!! Tell Hart, for once, to trade some friggin’ prospects for a starter and stop your goddamn puking! Facing the facts and admitting their rotation is woefully inadequate would be the first step of many toward growing the hell up and rejoining reality.

The final straw was last season when I attended a series between Cleveland and Detroit in Tiger Stadium. A partisan Tribe crowd schlepped up from Northern Ohio, Oldsmobuicks festooned with Chief Wahoo (you could stamp Chief Wahoo’s face on a turd and make a mint in Cleveland), fishbelly white flesh oozing from beneath Wahoo bedecked garb and proceeded to make a complete and utter ass of itself by acting like they own the place. It’s one thing to run smack in your own house but, these classless assholes were acting as if it was Game 7 of the Series. I witnessed more than one yelling match between some drunken Son of Geranimo and a truly perplexed Tiger fan who kept pointing out that the Tribe was in the midst of a pummelling. And of course, after dropping a laugher to the lowly Tigers, we were treated to a barful of these idiots chanting, “Tigers suck!” at an establishment just outside the ballpark. They were briefly quieted by some stray Yankees fans who politely asked if anyone had actually witnessed the Tribe’s most recent World Series championship. A chorus of “Yankees suck!” began shortly after the New Yorkers left. Assholes AND Cowards!

No one will be happier than I when the Tribe plummets back to mediocrity (granted that may take awhile what with them playing in the AL Comedy Central) and all these hypef***s jump off the bandwagon. I am already relishing the impending implosion once this over-hyped, over-exposed (how many f***ing times has ESPN televised Cleveland – Seattle since the ’95 playoffs?) and over-achieving pack of beer-leaguers faces some real pitching in the playoffs.”

All-Slam Friday, 09/17/99 – hosted by Neil Armstrong, first man to walk on the moon
Winner: RocketmanTex
Subject: Aggies

“Texas A & M Aggies are walking, talking sociological mutants. They aren’t born…they are either hatched or they spring forth from under a cowpie mushroom. Name another college football team that has all male cheerleaders in garbage suits. Name another college football team whose all-male cheerleaders squeeze their squishy peanut-sized testicles as hard as they can while yelling “Hold ’em Ags!”. I dare you. When I see those farmboys in military dress & sandpaper haircuts kissing their swine-like sweethearts after an Aggie touchdown, I want to puke green bile. What makes me even sicker is knowing for a fact that Buford B. Aggie’s high school girlfriend was a sheep. Woman, do you know where this retard’s mouth and genitalia have been?? If I were you, I’d run for the hills and if I were him, I’d stick with the sheep…at least you can cook em up for dinner after you finish your post-sex dip of Skoal (do you really think an Aggie would smoke a cigarette after sex?). In conclusion, I beg Governor Bush to build an electric fence around the A&M campus so that Aggies can no longer escape to pollute the rest of the state. It is the morally correct thing to do, and he would win my vote for President if he did.”

All-Slam Friday, 09/24/99 – hosted by Masaharu Morimoto, Iron Chef Japanese
Winner: Dan Blocker
Subject: Los Angeles

“I realize that bagging on L.A. is about as fresh as Angeline, but I feel I’ve got a certain sense of entitlement since I?ve had to live here for the last five years.

How do I hate thee, Los Angeles? Let me count the ways:
Could it be because I’m forced to watch the execrable Dodgers battle the likes of the Marlins every night and on every Fox Game of the Week, just because their baseball-ignorant, dingo-loving owner owns every freakin? network in America? Could it be because overhyped five-tool Raul Mondesi is such a supreme tool, yet the Dodgers, despite Raul’s recent meltdown, want sign him and his beer gut to a $100 million contract extension? Could it be because Eric Karros, the Dodger’s best first-sacker since Greg Brock, has once again managed to hit 90% of his home runs off September scrub call-ups? Could it be because the Dodgers gave a convicted sodomite, Carlos Perez, a $35 million contract to pitch in AAA, and I’ve got to pay for it with their ridiculously jacked up concession prices? Could it be because the Dodgers are now such a classless and reviled organization that Don Sutton, of all people, questions their loyalty? Could it be because the Dodgers’ last more-than-memorable memory came 11 years ago, when Jerk Gibson took Eckersley yard, as half the fair-weather Dodger fans were already in their cars hauling ass for the parking lot exits? Could it be because Scully himself called the shot from the back seat of a cab?

Could it be because the Lakers, like the f***ing Knicks, have that special “salary structure”, one which allows them to magically “squeeze” lard-ass Shaq, Kobe, Rice, Horry, Fox, and $40 million uber-stiff Travis Knight under the cap? Could it be because they still have enough “under the cap” to throw $25 million at that toe-tag Derrick Fisher, who, despite lighting up the Rockets in last year’s playoffs, is quite possibly the worst starting point guard in the history of the NBA, at least since Pooh Richardson. Could it be because 100-year-old Chick Hearn, seemingly like every other old-fart announcer from a “fabled” franchise (i.e. sphincter-throated Johnny Most; slavering, stroke-riddled Harry Carey), is blindly venerated even though he’s long since been able to distinguish Fred Roberts from Nick Van Exel? Could it be that the Lakers are on national TV about 50 times this year, even though the last time they won anything was way back when parachute pants were in style?

Could it be that since L.A. has some God-given right to be awarded a football expansion team, even though 98% of its viewing audience thinks “football” means soccer? Could it be that when L.A. last had a football team, the only highlights were of somebody getting shived, pissed on, or set ablaze in the cheap seats of the Mausoleum?

In fact, the only thing there is to like about L.A. is that thanks to this f***ed-up time zone, I get to miss Ray Knight?s big head and ignorant blatherings on the early edition of ESPN Baseball Tonight.”

All-Slam Friday, 10/01/99 – Lionel Ritchie, Motown legend
Winner: Spinal Tarp
Subject: The SlamZone
“Two words: Shit Zone”

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Limey

Despite tarnishing the Colonist’s English with crap like “colour”, “centre” and “Bollocks”, Limey managed to dominate the field in route to the coveted 2000 ROY award. In addition to adding some relative class to this freaking place, dude instigates some of the longest threads you will ever see, delivers quality blasts against trolls and idiot opposing fans alike, posts breaking news ripped off from the wire services with astonishing frequency, and has often been the only guy posting on the board during many wee hours. Jolly good show.

TAKE OF THE YEAR
JB

As the Astros dropped to 7-13 and the NL Central cellar after a 12-3 drubbing at the hands of the lowly Cubs back in April, Counselor brought the goods…

“Well, here we are mired in the bowels of the standings, finding comfort in the fact that at least we’re better than Detroit. Who would have thought that I’d ever get teary eyed and feel actual gratitude listening to a Mr. Giant-Foam-Finger-Maker commercial. Oh, yes, I know. It’s a long season. Indeed. At this rate, it will be a VERY long season. Somebody wake me up and tell me this is all a bad dream.

And now, a reading from the book of Stros.

Stros 1:6-12 (God’s bet with Satan)
6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them.
7 The LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the LORD, ‘From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.’
8 Then the LORD said to Satan, ‘Have you considered Stros? There is no one on earth like them; they are blameless and upright, a team that fears God and shuns evil.’
9 ‘Do the Stros fear God for nothing?’ Satan replied.
10 ‘Have you not put a hedge around them and their household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of their hands, so that their division titles are spread throughout the land.
11 But stretch out your hand and strike everything they have, and they will surely curse you to your face.’
12 The LORD said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, everything they have is in your hands, but on Dierker do not lay a finger.’ Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.
Stros 30:20-30 (The Stros Lament)
20 ‘We cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; We take the field, but you merely look at us.
21 You turn on us ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack us.
22 You snatch us up and drive us before the wind; you toss us about in the standings.
23 We know you will bring us down to death, to the place appointed for all the living.
24 Surely no one lays a hand on a broken man when he cries for help in his distress.
25 Have we not wept for those in trouble? Have not our souls grieved for the poor?
26 Yet when we hoped for good, evil came; when we looked for light, then came darkness.
27 The churning inside us never stops; days of suffering confront us.
28 We go about blackened, but not by the sun; We stand up in the batter’s box and cry for help.
29 We have become brothers of Tigers, a companion of Phillies.
30 Our skin grows black and peels; our bodies burn with fever.'”

Amazing. Dude posts exactly five times a year (two if you don’t count Santurce Crabbers winter ball updates) and clocks multiple HOF recognition, while hundreds toil in virtual TZ obscurity.

2000 TALK ZONE MVP
Alkie

(intro paragraph – obligatory diss)
An unusual road to fame, this year’s recipient emerged strong from the torched earth of TZ left behind by the monumental 1999 performance of TZ Legend Andyzipp. Once a red flag on TZOL radar, this Zone-dweller survived to deliver a seemingly endless supply of material, and some of the strangest takes ever seen.

After limited success as “Zac G,” dude implemented a controversial name change to “Astro Alcoholic” which created an immediate impact, reminiscent of vigilante millionare Bruce Wayne coming up with the idea for the Batman suit and gaining a profound tactical advantage after getting his ass kicked in the street a few times. After shortening the moniker to its now-famous version, everyone’s favorite bartender gave us unique insight into the life of the typical early-20-something Austin freak.

While not exactly the stories of wine, women and song (more like beer, prostitutes, and unemployment) one might have anticipated, his late night ramblings, reactionary tangents, Holt-bashing, and whack perspectives led the way for TZ in 2000. Kev & Scott are pleased to name Alkie as the winner of this year’s Golden Scott and your 2000 KING OF THE ZONE.

NOTE: you will find that a number of this year’s HOF takes are quite lengthy. Much like the Guinness Book of World Records discourages people from trying to break the record of that a-hole who ate a bicycle in 15 days, Kev & Scott would like to emphasize that the place for extremely long takes should be our Bleacher Rap column. We would just like to say that despite appearances, “size doesn’t matter” when selecting the year’s best takes. Like last year, at the bottom of the list, we identify the 1999 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

THE FOURTH LEGEND

Ray K

Let it be known that Ray K becomes only the fourth individual in AstrosConnection history to receive the title of “TZ Legend”, joining Prince of Heck (1997), Michael N (1997) and Andyzipp (1998) at the highest permanent position a Zone-dweller may achieve. Ray K clinches the honor absolutely and with authority for many reasons – here are a few: Huge number of quality posts, ability to deliver crushing blows to a wide range of opponents, his mind-boggling “Astro League” simulation, the fact that he rarely makes a fool of himself in the TZ, and of course the philanthropy extended to less-skilled Zone-dwellers through the mighty family of ASS software.

FAVORITE EXCERPTS FROM TZ DISCUSSIONS

Various

“and lookee here, the greater trochanter does protect the hip bone from hyperabduction” – Paul G

“I extended an olive branch, and you guys effectively stuck it up my ass” – JJW

“you’d think with what these people were being paid they’d be able to afford their own Beano” – pravata

“if modern medical science can sew a man’s penis on after it’s been in a Slurpee drink for half an hour, surely they can repair a hatchet wound with little to no difficulty” – Andyzipp

“How did I get in this bloody nutshell? What kind of nut has a shell like this?” – Ray K

“De lahge bull fungo uhttempts to uhtract the uhttentions of de fe-male” – pravata

“That’s the last time I take a swig of Minute Maid while scanning the subject lines.” – Holly

“you may kiss my white ass, you silly little schoolboy” – Michael N

“The Lone Horseman of the OPS doth approach.” – Kevin

“I want to affirm that I am not anti-Worrell as much as I’m pro-Deshaises” – No? in H-Town

“there’s not an anti-semantic bone in my body” – TxRascal

“if it’s anything like my ‘Blitzkrieg’ maneuver in Risk, then I regret to inform you that it’s been banned in all 50 states and Puerto Rico” – Ray K

“Throngs of be-thonged women, longing to sow the Zipp seed.” – Holly

“If Wags was left off the allstar team, Bochy has a big dump in his pants.” – Navin R Johnson

“although the squirrel was actually a golf-club cover…he made some damn fine queso…” – Andyzipp

BEST NICKNAME GIVEN TO AN ASTROS PLAYER

pravata

Given to speedy pinch runner Glen Barker shortly after he got his ass thrown out trying to steal third for the final out of a game against the White Sox in June…

“Glen ‘now what did my little league coach tell me, oh screw it, feets don’t fail me now’ Barker”

JINX OF THE YEAR

Paul G

During a discussion on who exactly was to blame when Shane Reynolds lost a no-hitter in the seventh inning against the D-Backs in April, Paul G ended the speculation…

“I think it had to do with me running around the house, with nothing but ‘Stros cap on, yelling Shane’s throwing a no-no, Shane’s throwing a no-no.’ I spit on the dog, lit a huge fire (I have no fireplace) and started tossing lifesized AstrosGuy dolls in it. Of course I followed this by running outside and building a pyre to throw Mplexed on. Came back in to see the laser beam by Williams and when Shooter got the hit, I cried and called the fire dept. They were very understanding…”

BEST POEM OR HAIKU

Guardian of the Astros Faith

Guardian penned the following lyrical recount of notable ex-Astro performances in 1998…

“ex-Astros Haiku
Closer wannabe
Gone, at last he helps us win
I’m in Cincy now?

Stick man swinging stick
Tries to beat out weak ground ball
0 for 5 again

Rich man throws the ball
Feels that Coors Field whiplash
THAT was a curveball?”

MOST BLATENT CAMPAIGNING FOR HALL OF FAME RECOGNITION

Landestoy

As “Golden Scott” speculation began to reach a fever pitch in June, Landestoy could contain himself no longer, especially after Ray K asked the inevitable “what have you done for me lately” question…

“Make my presence known?!? Name me someone who not once, not twice — but countless times, has gone toe-to-toe with Michael N. and lived to smell another day. And in some cases, actually emerged victorious …”

Having already blown his own horn, it was now time to run smack at the other contenders…

“What have you ever done, Ray? You and your big ASS? Bring it on! And you, Noe, you’re crazy and short-fused, remember? You take things too seriously. Kev and Scott don’t want any part of your flakiness!! Not to mention, playing the race card, Cochran-esque, will never float the big guys’ boats!”

And finally, outright swagger…

“Let me sum it up this way: I left for a month or so, and not one of you forgot me — that’s called staying power, Gloria. It’s the biz’s backbone. Now, just where in the hell is that red carpet?”

COMPLETE COLLECTION OF ONE-WORD INSULTS USED
IN CONVERSATIONS INVOLVING CHESTER/NOSTRA/HUGH/PLEXED

chester/nostra/hugh/plexed and friends

Liar – Hoax – Bigot – Fraud – Hypocrite – Psycho – Neck – Redneck – Sham – Tool – Asshole – Moron – Idiot – Prick

BEST THEORY ON BIGGIO’S MOVE FROM CATCHER TO SECOND BASE

Ray K

Ray K attributes Biggio’s move from All-Star catcher to All-Star second-baseman to an acute case of fungiphobia rather than the universally accepted “refreshing organizational foresight” theory…

“The worst incident happened in LA in 1990. Biggio was catching against the Dodgers when Lasorda came out to argue with the ump over a play at the plate. While arguing, a stray mushroom flew out of Lasorda’s mouth (he had been eating spaghetti in the dugout) and struck Biggio on the cheek. When he realized what it was, he had a panic attack and curled up into a little ball behind home plate. After that incident, Biggio kept having panic attacks behind the plate and the team finally decided to move him to the OF (and later 2B) to minimize the risk of this happening again. The rest, as they say, is history.”

TOP 10 REASONS TO LOVE JOSE LIMA

Astrobabe

“10. Always finds new and inventive uses for gold metallic paint marker.
9. Imagine what he would do in a bench-clearing brawl.
8. He says he can win 20 and I believe him.
7. Any guy who has conversations with his glove should be feared. Where’s Jobu?
6. Without question, he challenges every hitter, all the time.
5. In-TEN-sity, baby!
4. He’s probably the only guy who’s ever tried to kiss Bagwell and lived to tell about it.
3. Whoever talks that kind of smack on sports radio and backs it up is da maign.
2. He looks damn crazy scary when staring down from the mound.

…and the number one reason why Jose Lima is da maign…

1. This guy truly, honestly, in every way, has veins pumping with boiling Orange Whoopass, 24/7. It may be damn near impossible to picture Lima playing anywhere else but Houston, because El Loco is the embodiment of a guy who absolutely and genuinely LOVES just *being* an Astro, all the while kicking ass and taking names. ‘Nuff said. We love Cy Loco!!”

BEST DESCRIPTION OF LUBBOCK, TEXAS

Michael N

“Essence of Slaughterhouse and driving to the county line for alcohol.”

GREATEST UMPIRE SLAM OF THE YEAR

No? in H-Town

No? in H-Town’s classic speculation on a horrific playoff umpiring crew of Eric Gregg – HP, Country Joe West – 1B, Balking Bob Davidson – 2B, Angel Hernandez – 3B, and an idea of how the game might play…

“If a runner happened to get on base, an unlikely event with Gregg’s strike zone but there’s always the chance of a hit batsman, then Joe West will move him along. Well, actually the runner is only protected on a hit and run play, but I’m sure Joe could find an obscure rule to cite to make his case for awarding him second. Even if Joe were to go comatose due to extreme overeating at pre-game meal, Davidson would wave him over by calling a balk on the pitcher for shaking off the catcher. The runner could then steal third without any fear of getting thrown out, since Angel would be, yet again, out of position to make a call on the tag. The runner would then get stranded on third because Gregg would punch out the next three batters on pitches near the on-deck circle. This would lead to the longest (and most boring) playoff game in the history of major league baseball. A 1-0 Astros win, 45-inning affair, lasting 12 hours, and a record 123 men left on base. Oh and it would be a pitching staff no-hitter (by both teams). How was the run scored? Mike Hampton, put in to run for Mike Magnante, stole home before Gregg could ring up pinch hitter Randy Johnson.”

MOST FRIGHTENING UMPIRE SLAM OF THE YEAR

Kevin

After the June 16 snafu at the Dome where Bruce Froemming and Mark Hirschbeck implemented the “ATL Double Standard” to perfection, El Jefe did not mince words…

“I will once again revive my long-held and strong position, that ALL MLB umpires, whether controversial calls were made or not, be beaten with a wet garden hose for half a hour at the close of every game, just for belonging to the biggest collective group of arrogant, power-tripping, cowardly, incompetent trash that walks the earth and call itself human. This website would be proud to sponsor such an enjoyable addition to America’s pastime.”

Paul G’s follow-up post was classic…

“Unfortunately, they would probably mistake the hose for a noodle and eat the damn thing.”

MOST INFORMATIVE POST OF THE YEAR

Andyzipp

In response to the deliberate harassment by Devil’s Advocate around the time of last year’s Randy Johnson deal…

“Who are you to pass yourself off around this BBS as a quasi-intellectual by arguing the opposite of everything? The origin of the term Devil’s Advocate is rooted in the mythology of a mynah-bird like demon who’s only purpose was to basically irritate God to distraction by saying the opposite of anything God said. Milton later adopted the mythology for Paradise Lost, with a court jester as the DA. It takes neither skill nor intelligence to be a Devil’s advocate. Only a soulless ability to repeat things incorrectly.”

We’re still not sure what a “mynah-bird” is, although Scott believes that it must be some kind of obscene gesture.

BEST CHARACTERIZATION OF THE TZ

pravata

Amidst the ridiculous whining by several Zone-dwellers that it’s hard to keep up with the rapid pace of TZ messages, pravata delivered one of the best takes of the year…

“You have to post like a ferret on a double espresso to stay on this thing. It’s tricker than Moises Alou’s treadmill.”

MOST EFFECTIVE POLICING OF A POP-CULTURE REFERENCE

McBrick

When Landestoy badly misused the “Mikey” reference when stating that Oakland and Minnesota were not “the Mikey of MLB” when Navin R Johnson wanted to send them Derek Bell, McBrick was there to bust his ass…

“Mikey was characterized as just the opposite of what you’re suggesting. Remember the original commercial: ‘He won’t eat it. He hates everything.’

This has been twisted (not just by yourself) into Mikey being portrayed as having the lowest possible standards, when in fact his standards are impeccible. I simply can’t allow this misrepresentation to continue.
Thank you for your time.”

POST MOST LIKELY TO GO OVER THE HEAD OF ZONE-DWELLERS

Jim T

At the height of the titanic “OPS vs. RBIs” argument to determine which is a better factor for judging the productiveness of a hitter, we knew things had gotten way out of hand when Jim T started one of his takes in defense of RBIs like this…

“Two events A and B are independent if P(A|B)=P(A) and are dependent otherwise. In other words, the probability of event A given event B has happened is equal to the probability of event A. The occurence or nonoccurence of one event has no bearing on the chance that the other event will occur.”

dwalt summed up the whole thing very accurately by stating, “my head hurts.”

MOST SORELY MISSED TZ LEGEND

Prince of Heck

Perhaps The Dark One decided to retire while on top and not risk pulling a “Ripken”. Perhaps, like Ali, too many TZ brawls finally took its toll. Perhaps he found enough damnable souls in southern California to occupy ALL of his time. Perhaps the head-spinning decline of the Dallas Cowboys was too much to bear. Perhaps he decided to step away and simply let the legend grow. Perhaps someone made a deal with the devil and won.

At any rate, the TZ has become a much brighter place since PoH went into seclusion. However, the old-timers still remember El Diablo’s infamous rants, double-edged takes and frightful undertones.

BEST EXAMPLE OF BROADCASTER HELL

Holly

Classic take on what it would be like if Rockets announcer Gene Peterson joined Milo Hamilton on the Astros play-by-play…

“Scratching-adjusting-fixing-the-hat-fixing-the-hat-fixing-the-hat, stepping-into-the-box, bouncing-kicking-digging-in-the- dirt-digging-in-the-dirt,tapping-the-bat-twisting-turning-taking-a-practice-swing *pause* he swings and… (Milo cuts in) ‘There’s aaaaaa SMASH down the left-field line’ (back to Gene) Bogar rounds third and SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORES!”

BEST SLAM OF A ZONE LEGEND

Jim R

Epic backhanded slam that occurred when TxRascal was being a smart-ass at the expense of pravata and Astrobabe’s over-explanation of their previous takes as “satire”…

TxRascal: “Is that the funny little guy with the goat’s butt and with horns on his head who frolics around eatin’ grapes and drinking wine?…”

Jim R: “no, the guy you’re describing is something Zipp, except it is cheese dip and girlie beers.”

Andyzipp: “Don’t make me gore you, old man…”

MOST UNIQUE PLAYER REQUEST

Paul G

Prior to the start of a May 19 showdown between the Plumber and Shane Reynolds on the west coast, Paul G posted the following open letter to the Astros ace:

Mr. Reynolds,
You don’t know me, well actually we met before in Harker Heights, Tx., but anyway…please, please, please pitch your ASS off tonight. There a people around (I will not name names) who question your ability to lead the team into victory. They think you are not ace material, no matter how well you pitch. Some say you give up too many hits, others argue (I was one of them) that you give up too many HR’s with 2 strikes, and still others think that you are lucky because of the run support you receive. You have exorcised the demons of pitching in Florida this year. You have not pitched well in the Ravine, please buckle down and shut Team Meltdown out. Every once in a while, buzz guys like Sheffield and Mondesi up and in. Take the inside part of the plate away. Keep your pitches down in the strike zone. And please do not give that freakin’ worthless piece of shit excuse for a ROY, Todd Notworthadamn, anything to hit. Forget the fact that The Plumber is on the hill for them, you cannot do anything about that. Pray the offense lays off those damn low and away sliders. You need to keep pace with Cy Lima, and Hambone is really pitching well. The national media is shirking the ‘Stros once again, and beating Brown tonight would alleviate that disrespect. I will make the sacrifices necessary to ensure a victory. Just like when you almost had a no-no. I will dance around the house nekkid, with only a hand made Reynolds’ cap on (with the same kind of marker Lima uses). I imported several candles from Bastrop and they will be burning bright. I will make snow angels in the sand and my diet will consist of nothing but crawdads, shrimp etouffette, and Cajun rice today. The rag doll I made of Gus himself will be burning in the pyre I spend the entire day erecting. I have also acquired an authentic piece of The Plumber’s hair and will bury it in the backyard. I also have an earring worn by Gary Sheffield that I will freeze today. I will also remove a certain person’s ASS from my computer. I am going to watch Blaze over and over again today. Please Mr. Reynolds, more rests on this game than a win. My entire existence will be validated if you can win, nay, dominate LA tonight. I will be complete and my humanness will be whole. I implore you, pitch like a motherf#$@er tonight.
Thank You Sir,
Paul

MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR

IceRay

After Gilla referred to Astros play-by-play announcer Milo Hamilton as a “hall of fame shill” and made disparaging comments about his broadcasting style after Milo was hospitalized with chest pains during a road trip to Philadelphia last August, IceRay had had enough…

“YOU FREAKIN IDIOT, I’LL PERSONALLY COME OVER AND PUT A FOOT UP YOUR BEHIND!! HALL OF FAME SHILL??? TIME HAS PASSED??? HOMER ANNOUNCER… THAT IS THE LAST STRAW. MAN YOU KNOW HOW TO TICK ME OFF! YOU ARE A PUKE, PURE AND SIMPLE. DON’T EVER SET FOOT INSIDE THE TZ AGAIN…….”

Hoooooly Toledo! That IceRay’s rougher’n a cob!

MOST COLD-BLOODED TAKE OF THE YEAR

Prince of Heck

The dark one’s response last summer to Zone-dwellers who wondered why he wouldn’t make an appearance at the official Cubs website forum to flame the previously outspoken Chicago faithful after the Astros beat the living hell out of the Cubs in three straight at Wrigley, sweeping them right out of the ’98 Central race…

“Better to let them wallow in the filthy pool of their own humility and embarrassment.”

FIRST CONFIRMED APPEARANCE BY A DEITY IN THE TZ

Thor

Another classic on the subject of (what else) Dave Clark’s horrible 1998…

“By my father’s beard, I wouldst risk the gaping jaws of the world-devourer Jormungand ere I pinch-hit with the mortal known to Midgaard as Dave Clark. Verily I say to thee, the finest bat hewn from the ash of the World Tree itself would naught but strike the wind in the hands of he. A mighty breeze, no doubt, that mayhap dwarf the mightiest storm created by mine own hand.”

Tajstah put the icing on the cake with this response to the Thunder God’s epic take…

“Thor you totally rip dude! Where did you learn how to talk like an Egyptian?”

BEST PC MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR

Michael N

In the wake of the Drayton McLane/Telemundo flap in June everyone got a little touchy. After Andyzipp (mistakenly) assumed that Paul G’s wife was Hispanic and as a result, Paul should definitely know the difference between a “real” gordita and that crap Taco Bell serves, the normally reserved Michael N could no longer remain “above the fray”…

“… because Paul is supposedly married to a Latina, he should therefore know what an authentic Gordita is? Why is this? Because Latina wives should be confined to the kitchen making authentic foods of their ethnic origin while remaining submissive to their Gringo husbands?
I am offended for Paul’s wife and all Latinas. Andyzipp is obviously insensitive and a Neanderthal. All people of conscience should boycott Zipper Flap and it is possible, if highly unlikely, that he will be banned from AstrosConnection as it is clear that he is akin to Marge Schott and Al Campanis.”

BEST REACTION AFTER AN OVERLORD SIGHTING

Paul G

Shortly after the TZOL laid waste to several idiot takes by a misguided Indians fan, Paul G played the role of shirtless trailer-park resident…

“Well, I wuz jus sittn’ over yonder, minin’ my bizness, when I heard a loud ruckuss of some sort. this thang jus camea sweepin’ down on us, whooosh!”

BEST COP-OUT OF THE YEAR

Curly

After demanding that Michael N and Ray K generate statistics to illustrate that Holt’s ’99 losses could be attributed primarily to fielding errors, Curly was informed by Holly that he should be able to get the answers himself with a calculator and a web browser. His excuse…

“I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express like some others in here today… and I am dodging a VP all day, so I am in Stealth Mode and must adhere to my hit and run style”

CHASING HISTORY: THE RACE FOR 300

Various

While most of the nation was caught up in McGwire’s chase for Maris’ home run record, the real news, as usual, was being made here at AstrosConnection. Here are a few selected takes by the TZ crowd while Scott was on his quest to set the all-time single season meatball sandwich record in 1998…

“I had informed the major media outlets earlier this season that I didn’t want to discuss the record till I had 250 in September. But all the cards and letters from the kids have driven me to address the hallowed mark of 299 long held by none other than the ever-girthy king of crass – Babe Ruth. Do I think it can be broken? Who knows, I’m just happy to be here. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and hope for the best. However, we have had to stop the after-sandwich punch-in-the-gut (a la McGwire) for obvious reasons. Fans should beware of any memorabilia from the record chase that isn’t genuine (forged signatures on Pepto Bismol bottles, etc.). No word yet from Fox on whether they’ll pick up live coverage if it gets close.” – Scott

“Any death threats? Many fans feel that this has always been ‘The Babe’s’ record. Scott, have you ever promised to eat a meatball sandwich for a dying kid? Ever “called” a meatball sandwich? I, for one, don’t think expansion has diminished this feat at all.” – David in Jackson

“I think you can’t compare the meatball sandwich records of yesteryear to any accomplished today. The meatballs Babe Ruth ate were hard to chew and digest because they were very dry. Today’s meatballs are JUICED!” – Jay P

“While Maalox is available over the counter nationwide, and isn’t banned by league rules, I think Scott should consider that the long-term effects of massive Maalox consumption haven’t been fully studied. Now, it’s his body, and he can do to it what he wants, but he really should consider all the kids out there – do we really want every high-school kid learning that it’s okay to swig Maalox like it was Cherry Coke? I think Scott should make a principled stand, accept his responsibilities as a role model, and announce that he will no longer use Maalox.” – Tom S

“You can’t take away what Scott has accomplished. He would have eaten 300 with or without the antacids. Hell, look what he did in his rookie year.” – dwalt

“Baseball commissioner Bud ‘I’m also a client’ Selig, in a move reminiscent of the late Ford Frick, has announced that while Scott’s pursuit of this long standing hallmark of the game is noble and exciting, there should be an asterisk placed next to his final numbers based on the following areas of concern:

a) The Babe consumed his 299 (possibly 300) in a 154-game season. Also the Babe was drunk the entire year, making consumption of the aforementioned sandwiches all the more difficult.
b) The unauthorized use of antacids, which besides bromo, were unavailable to the Babe. While it has not been confirmed whether or not Scott has used anabolic antacids, it has been widely suspected for the course of the year.
c) Expansion has diluted the level of meatball sandwich from Babe’s day. Much like pitching, there’s just not enough sauce to go around. Representatives from Subway and Blimpies had no comment.
d) There is also the question of what a meatball sandwich is today versus a meatball sandwich in the Babe’s day. Babe set his record during the great depression. Evidently what he was calling a meatball sandwich was actually leather shoe tongues with spicy red sauce and asbestos (they used to put asbestos in everything).

Commissioner Selig noted that, ‘While we in no way mean to diminish the incredible performance of Scott this year, we want it noted that his conditions in achieving this feat were different. Also, we think he is some sort of freak.'” – Andyzipp

MOST DISGUSTING TAKE OF THE YEAR

Lug

During an animated discussion on which beer is the best to drink while watching an Astros game on TV, Andyzipp indicated that he was partial to the Shiner family of beers but also said that “crappy” beer like Pearl and Pearl Light tasted better when the Astros were winning. Lug’s response…

“Good god. Please tell me you’ve never willingly put a Pearl to your lips? I’d rather drink Klesko’s bathwater!”

While it remains unconfirmed whether or not the Donut Truck bathes at all, Lug’s take does provide valuable insight as to how bad Pearl really is.

BEST SLAM OF CASUAL FANS

Warren A

Classic take during another discussion of why the American League sucks and how home-run madness has contributed to the demise of the educated baseball fan…

“If these so called ‘baseball fans’ are not intelligent enough to pay attention to something besides a 10-second sound-byte of a homer with some idiot, melodramatic announcer (probably a younger generation Buck or Caray) screaming into the microphone, let them go and watch another highlight of Michael Jordan traveling, pushing someone out of the way and making a jump shot with Ahmad Rashad’s lips plastered to his buttcheeks and listen to Bob Costas call him a God in the process! Leave this game to people who are smart enough to appreciate the nuances which make it the best game on Earth!”

MOST METICULOUS SLAM EVER WITNESSED IN THE TZ

JB

JB threw the book at hugh mungus after several days of salary arbitration-related flaming prior to the start of the 1999 season…

“The famous U.S. Supreme Court case of Buck v. Bell, decided in 1927, is often cited as an example of embarrassing excess in American jurisprudence. Every once in a while, however, I encounter an individual like Hugh Mungus that causes me to dust off the old law books, and ask whether Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes might not have had a point when he wrote:

It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind. . . . Three generations of imbeciles are enough.’
Buck v. Bell, 274 U.S. 200, 207 (1927).

(1) Hugh, you’re a liar. You claim Ray and Michael made comments about Rick Helling and Jose Lima, but you can’t produce those comments.
(2) You’re also intellectually dishonest. You have ranted and raved about the importance of ERA and trends. I answered your claim in a post on Monday at 3:51 PM. You have yet to answer, so I’ll repeat it here:
Your “scientific approach to talent” using “the real stat” tells us that after the 1995 season we should have released Shane Reynolds (’92-7.11, ’93-0.82, ’94-3.05 ’95-3.47) and tried to pick up Pat Rapp (’92-7.20, ’93-4.02, ’94-3.85 ’95-3.44). They ended 1995 with virtually identical ERAs and Reynolds was on the way up, while Rapp was on the way down. Rapp had just gone 14-7 while Reynolds only managed 10-11. Hmmmmm. Wonder what happened in 1996?
Reynolds went 16-10 (despite his ERA again rising, this time to 3.65) and Rapp went 8-16 with an ERA of 5.10. Rapp would not reach double digits again until this past season when he lumbered to a 12-13 record with a 5.30 ERA.’
(3) You’re a hypocritical jerk. You complain that others cannot read or write, yet you are fundamentally incapable of using proper grammar or even the shift key on your computer. The lofty battleground on which you defend your superior intellect is your 1/19 11:11 AM post:
“yes- i claim ‘explored’ to be a synonym for ‘pursued,’ because it IS, you idiot and moron!”
Roget’s II lists the following synonyms for “pursue”: chase, run after, follow, lead, court, practice. It lists these synonyms for “explore”: delve (into), dig (into), inquire (into), investigate, look into, probe, reconnoiter, scout. I guess that Mr. Roget, like Ray K, is just an “idiot and moron.”

I am tired of you, your ad hominem attacks, and your bullshit masquerading as science and analytical reasoning. If there is a God in Heaven, the Overlord will spare us your annoying, shrill little tantrums.

Justice Holmes had a point after all.”

Yep, this take had all the elements we look for in a huge slam… smack, legal precedent, eugenicist rhetoric, grammar correction, name-calling, Latin phrases, use of the opponent’s own post against them, evoking the name of the Overlord, the ability to create a week’s worth of backlash, and of course, statistics.

Perhaps the best part of this whole diatribe was the follow-up post by Cortez… “…one should expect thus from a B&B attorney. Can you bill Hugh for the time it took to write it?”

MOST OCCURANCES OF THE WORD “ASS” IN A SINGLE TAKE

Junior

13, in the first posting of Junior’s brief stint into the TalkZone last September. However, the term “Orange Whoopass” was coined during that particular take, so all was not lost.

BEST USE OF A SEARCH ENGINE

Prince of Heck

When a number of Zone-dwellers were wasting time discussing how they originally found Kev & Scott’s AstrosConnection, we found PoH’s take to be the most interesting…

“I did a keywords search on Yahoo for:
lost+souls+eternal+damnation+pergatory+lynch+scott+boras+argue+with+michael+n.+
statistical+alien+tom+s.+waste+time+at+work'”

MOST HEADSPINNING CHANGE OF SUBJECT

Various

While not the longest thread in TZ history (those are usually reserved for discussions about beer or OPS), the events recorded on 1/20 – 1/22/99 offer a perfect example of how out-of-control a TZ conversation can get. It started simply enough, with JR commenting about how well Eusebio handles the bat and could any of the Zone-dwellers give him some info about the 1999 Astros FanFest. This launched an epic thread which included hugh mungus running Sherman Antitrust smack while stating that JB was a “threat to decent people everywhere”, No? in H-Town waxing on about Shiner Bock, Ray K quoting Exodus, Holly delivering a philosophical take on cultural evolution, Andyzipp’s admission that he has a “bad goatee”, and everyone’s views on slavery before the Overlord swept down and blasted the whole thing into oblivion.

Eons from now, when scholars begin to uncover the mysteries of the Kev & Scott phenomenon, we believe that this thread in particular will prove instrumental in proving once and for all what kind of whack individuals once inhabited the confines of the legendary TalkZone.

BEST HOLIDAY SENTIMENT

Luis Pujols

Luis Pujols chimed in during the aftermath of the Hunsicker/Team Bastard/Clemens meltdown with the following merry take on Christmas Day last year…

“Speaking of gifts.. I’m sure the Bitch that Stole Christmas was pissed when he didn’t find 24 million bones and Hunsicker’s severed head under the tree…”
Fa la la la la la la la la!

BEST TZ RIVALRIES

Various

The TZ has been the setting for quite a few “grudge matches” over the past year. Here were our favorites…

Ray K vs. chester/nostra/hugh/plexed
JB vs. chester/nostra/hugh/plexed
Michael N vs. Landestoy
Andyzipp vs. AstrosGuy
Astro Pete vs. The Iranian Stros Fan
Alkie vs. any of about 12 different frontrunning, flamethrowing idiot opposing fans

BEST SLAM OF FRONTRUNNING IDIOTS

Holly

As a parade of idiots crashed the Zone upon Clemens’ signing with the Yankees…

“And now, as has already been prominently exemplified, the boorish (dare I say it? … sure) football-like fans (and I hesitate to use the word “fan”) come storming in, hiding behind a permanently-stuck capslock key (hrm… what could possibly be down in a keyboard that makes it sticky? hint — think one-handed typing) and a glaring lack of email address to proclaim their unoriginal, hyperbolic “facts” in a decidedly junior-high-like vocabulary.

The class of these (Bronx) Zoo wannabes shines like a turd under a black light. Those who would play the entire season out, before Spring Training has even begun, are displaying an amazing lack of many attributes generally associated with creatures on the higher end of the food chain…
…to those who would do nothing better than run in, shout, and then hide in the corner — you are nothing more than a sniveling, shaky Chihuahua of a person, most likely practically evacuating your bladder all over, in the excitement of the moment when your parents are far enough away that you can quickly fire off a series of exclamation points and words you saw on Cinemax last night (when the folks decided to let you stay up past 9 pm).”

FASTEST ENDING TO A TRIVIA CONTEST IN TZ HISTORY

Edwards

Andyzipp set an all-time record for trivia question futility when Edwards swept in and busted the ass of the following question in less than one minute …

Andyzipp (11:32 a.m.): “What pitcher went 6 years between his Major League debut and his second appearance in the Show. He was 21 when he made his reemergence… ”

Edwards (11:32 a.m.): “Joe Nuxall in the 1940s.”

Andyzipp: “Damn!”

MOST HYPOCRITICAL POST OF THE YEAR

scott nelson

Less than a month after getting run by the Overlord for posting surf conditions on the TZ, scott nelson let loose with this gem during the ’98 offseason after yet another Aggie/Longhorn football debate broke out…

“Listen, I know most of ya’ll were too slow to go to a private school with actual admissions criteria, but could you at least stick to Astros talk only. This is not an all sports chat room. Most people don’t care about your pathetic little football rivalry.”

…which begged for this slam by The Netanyahu of Death…
“Giddings State Correctional School isn’t exactly a private school, so I wouldn’t brag about it… take your policing somewhere else, you mindless troll…”

BEST INSULT OF THE DODGERS AND CARDINALS IN THE SAME TAKE

No? in H-Town

No? in H-Town offered the following diplomatic advice to LA manager Davey Johnson after pitcher Kevin Brown beat the hell out of a toilet with a bat because someone else in the Dodger clubhouse had flushed it and scalded his ass while he was in the shower, thus creating even more controversy in camp …

“Bat him eighth and move Beltre down to ninth. Hey, it works in St. Louis… it would be a ‘genius’ move! All you’d have to do is tell Brown that he baseballs are made by American Standard and not Rawlings.”

BEST DAVE CLARK SLAM OF THE YEAR

Paul G

Even while providing an apparently unrelated explanation to das why Kevin Brown earned the nickname “The Plumber” (see above), Paul G was still able to deliver a classic slam on the hapless ex-Stro…

“Dave Clark tried this also, but hit just .111 against the toilet. Some things never change.”

BEST FOIL FOR MICHAEL N

Paul G

Even more irritating to the TZ Legend than Landestoy, Paul G relentlessly tests the “master”, often bringing him into the fray he so adamantly tries to stay above. The fearless hosts fully support Paul G in his continued efforts, as his tenacity has sometimes resulted in Minor Opinions columns actually being submitted on time.

BEST TAKE ON THE ALUMINUM BAT ISSUE

pravata

“Aluminum is a metal with high flexibility and median tensile strength. It is a metal which is best used as siding on houses.”

BEST IMPRESSION OF JOSE LIMA

No? in H-Town

One day this spring when Andyzipp was providing Astros/Yankees play-by-play in the TZ for everyone who didn’t have access to the actual broadcast, No? in H-Town provided the color commentary… as El Loco.

AZ: “Jim Bruski pitching for the Yankees”
Lima: “I hay dat guy maign, las jeer again dee Dou-jers hee peetch too goo. I hay dat.”

AZ: “Ryan Thompson (1-1) pinch hitting for the 9 hole doubles over the left fielder’s head…”
Lima: “ATTA BABEEEE Ryan! Ju da maign… wash out for dis guy Andee. Yerry really lie heem when hee wuz wif dee Met”

AZ: “Bill Spiers (1-2) walks on four straight pitches…”
Lima: “ATTA BABEEE Billy! Ju da maign… hee ees dee bes Andy, jus dee bess. If I wuz managing, I call for doble steel, no? C’mon now, you can’t play lie a vieja…”

AZ: “Richard Hidalgo (0-0) pinch hitting for Bell, fouls out to the first baseman, Bellinger…”
Lima: “OH MY GAWD!! Ees alright Reechar, no problem my maign. Gawd almigty Andee, hee haf a chance der to heet id a long way, hee jus miss… ees okay tho… we okay…”

AZ: “Jack Howell (0-3) hits into a fielders choice, Thompson to third, Spiers (breaking up the double play) out at second, Howell on first…”
Lima: “AYYYYYEEE! Ees okay, Yak is heeding bery gud dees spring. He cuming bac from a wris dat ees bad… ees okay maign… ah leest he no get doubled, eh?”

AZ: “Carl Everett (1-3) hits a broken bat Texas Leaguer into shallow right, scores Thompson, Howell to third…”
Lima: “JAHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Maign, Eberett ees gud, no? Ju da maign Carl”

AZ: “Everett steals 2nd…”
Lima: “Ju no Andee, Eusebio could steel second tu. I no keeding maign… sheck me out, ju see”

AZ: “His Clarkness (0-3) strikes out meekly, but hey, at least he’ll inherit the earth…”
Lima: “Ay no say nuthing anymore Andee…”

AZ: “1 run, 2 hits, 2 men left. Yankees 1 4 0, Astros 3 7 1
Lima: “Die ju Janquis! Maign I mees Alou… ju want to samba Andee?”

MOST CHILLING PREDICTIONS

Andyzipp

Yet another epic take from zipperhead.aggie.com during the ’98 offseason (EDITOR’S NOTE: best enjoyed while envisioning Conan O’Brien’s “In The Year 2000” skit).

“Ken Griffey, Jr. will simultaneously gripe about the Mariners ownership while proclaiming not to be a home run hitter.

Carlos Perez will divorce his glove after giving up a home run to Sammy Sosa, citing “irreconcilable differences” after a thorough conversation with the glove.

Gary Sheffield will cry into his pillow each night because he can’t play with his good friend, Bobby Bonilla, until the Dodgers throw another couple of million dollars at him, just to shut him up. He’ll also demand they buy him some new pillows.

Larry Walker will claim that the Astrodome is the center of hell after going 0-12 in a 3 game series in Houston. To combat this, he’ll attempt to bring in that chick that plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer to protect him until Nefi Perez informs him that “television isn’t real life.”

Dante Bichette will explode at a Shakey’s Pizza Buffet in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Billy Wagner will astound observers by learning 13 new pitches in the offseason. Despite having an ERA of 0.09, after giving up a single to Tom Selleck on a reverse knuckle curve in the last Spring Training game against the Tigers, he loses all confidence in any other pitches. He cites what happened to Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in “Major League 2” as a reason not to get beat with anything but his best pitch.

The Los Angeles Dodgers will set a record by having a $90 million dollar payroll. This will be not only the highest payroll in history, it will also turn out to be the most paid for a .500 team, knocking the Baltimore Orioles out of the top slot.

Gary Gaetti will be “honorary captain” of the next Shuttle Mission in May (about the same time the Cubs are mathmatically eliminated) because, according to NASA, “he’s the only living American older than John Glenn. Besides, sending primates into space has a long and cherished tradition in the American space program.”

Jose Offerman will reward the Boston Red Sox on their decision by concentrating on defense at least one of the 4 years of his guaranteed contract. It won’t be in 1999 however, as he commits 2 errors for each million the Bosox are paying him until 2002.

Dennis Liborio will “accidently” lose Craig Biggio’s batting helmet to avoid a Harris County health code violation.

Gerry Hunsicker will obtain Roger Clemens from the Toronto Blue Jays for Sean Bergman, Russ Johnson and Daryle Ward. In a press conference, Gord Ash will say, “I knew once Roger demanded the trade, we’d lose some of our bargaining power, but when I picked up the video phone to Houston, Gerry asked me to stare at his watch. The next thing I know, I’m signing the papers. Also, I don’t smoke anymore and anytime I hear the phrase ‘play hardball’, I take off all of my clothes. But we’re pleased with the quality of players we received.”

Jim Leyritz will visit the Field Museum of Natural History while on a road swing in Chicago and break down in tears when he sees a display of cavemen trying to make fire. He’s effectively lost for the remainder of the season.

Ryan Klesko will have a cruel prank played on him when his teammates glue their own body hair trimmings onto his horrible mustache while he’s sleeping. Klesko gets excited for more than three months that he can actually grow facial hair for the first time in 28 years, especially hair so thick and curly. The excitement ends when he takes his annual August shower and the hair, and his dream, runs down the drain.

Mike Piazza will be quite chagrined when he finds out that in a National Poll, he’s voted only the 3rd favorite Pert Shampoo Girl behind Summer Sanders and Hunter Tylo. His response, “Dude, I’ve got jungle karma…dude…”

Casey Canadele will challenge Fernando Vina to a steel cage death match to determine once and for all who the most pip-squeaky second baseman of all time is. Eddie Gaedel is all set to be the special guest referee when it’s determined that Vina wears lifts in his shoes and isn’t tall enough for the insurance to cover the battle.

Albert Belle will not be pleased with Albert Belle’s contract. Albert Belle will talk Albert Belle into holding out until Albert Belle’s 3 month old contract is renegotiated. After all, Albert Belle cannot be penalized for fluctuations in the market or by a decision that Albert Belle made 3 months ago. Albert Belle must command market value for Albert Belle’s services. All 30 major league teams claim they cannot afford more than 1 Albert Belle on their team. Albert Belle pleads confusion to this statement.

Andres “El viejo, gordo gato” Galarraga will again charge the mound when plunked by a pitch. Unfortunately, it’ll be during the Braves annual Father-Son game. Greg Maddux’s daughter escapes with minor injuries.

Bobby Cox will finally get long time friend and employee Leo Mazzone some sort of help for that uncontrollable rocking he does during games, by switching to decaffinated coffee during games and cutting the Fruity Pebbles out of the pre-game spread.

God appears to Chip Carey on a tortilla on Michigan Avenue in Chicago and politely suggests to him that, “your blatant disregard for the 1st Commandment (thou shall have no other gods before me) in regards to the Bud Man isn’t going over real well upstairs, if you get my drift…” Carey reports God appearing to him as a sign that the Cubs are meant to win it all in 1999.

Kevin Brown is tried and sentenced as a witch during a trip to the Massachusetts area. It is determined that he weighs more than a duck, so he must be burned. He is released before the actual burning, when he is deemed a “cell-block cancer” in response to fellow witches complaints about his attitude.

Eric Karros finally stops wearing his baseball cap like a junior-high football coach. Raul Mondesi does not. The personality clashes on the Dodgers grow deeper.

Marge “Adolf” Schott sells controlling interest of the Cincinnatti Reds to smut-peddler and invalid Larry Flynt. Flynt institutes several new policies including porn theme music played instead of organ music, an all-bisexual players policy and a public execution night for Schottsie II. The players still aren’t allowed to have facial hair, to which Pete Harnisch responds, “In a lot of ways, this organization was better run when Adolf was in charge.”

After Terry Collins climbs on top of a table to hurl insults at his players for not being intense enough, newly acquired Mo Vaughn proceeds to snap Collins in two. “Halfy” Collins manages the Angels to yet another 2nd place finish. He’s replaced by the end of the season. The Anaheim search committee is determined to find a candidate who is a complete man.

Someone will finally think to have Moises Alou’s eyesight checked. Before the eye exam, 4 outfield errors in 50 chances. After the eye exam, none. Alou demands to have his eye-exams paid for by the club. When informed that they already were paying for them, and any other medical ailment he had, he demands to be traded. The Astros give him another million per year to keep him quiet.

After starting the season 20-30, Tony LaRussa will start using a super-secret “reverse” batting order, with the pitcher batting first. LaRussa, when asked to explain his strategy, exclaims, “I am the smartest man in all the land. Bow before me and worship the sheer power of my intellect!!!” Peter Gammons’ head will explode trying to explain why this will enable the Cardinals to catch the Astros.”

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

No? in H-Town

No? in H-Town takes the first-ever Rookie of the Year award amidst stiff competition in a record-setting year for TZ. A well-known refugee from the tired HSA board, No? made an immediate impact on the ballclub, delivering inside information, strong smack-running ability, a consistent perspective, and not too much Rome overkill (still got to break this guy from signing off with “Late”). Huge year for a BBS veteran new to the TZ.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul G, Holly, pravata

There is a tie for “Take of the Year”…

TAKE OF THE YEAR (1)

Andyzipp

On a particularly slow day during the offseason, after heated debates on the definition of a “gamer” and the Astros’ need for an emotional leader, Wild Dog threw out the following trivia question: “Who is the only player to ever pinch-hit for Ted Williams?” Andyzipp’s response ….

“Gary Gaetti…I hear he was a gamer back in the 40’s.
Evidently, many of the Red Sox fans felt Williams was too laid back in 1947, not emotional enough. They wanted a sparkplug… some schlub who would walk into the clubhouse and say (emotionally)…’You guys are horrible pieces of bat guano!!! I will carry you on my broad shoulders to the promised land!!! And you’re all ugly and not nearly the gamer I am!!! Bring me your finest meats and cheeses in return for my emotional leadership!!!’ (The triple exclamination points signify three times the emotion of the average player.)

Ol’ Ted was into that whole leading by example thing and exuded quiet leadership. ‘Surely a team of 9 Ted Williams’s would be the worst baseball team in the land,’ New Englanders thought aloud. ‘They’d be far too quiet, and they have no World Series experience!!! Not near enough emotion. Why, they’ve never even yelled at their teammates for having injuries. Also, all nine would be in right field and none of them could pitch…’

‘We have to have someone who’ll come in and shoot off their mouth and if we have to sit Ted Williams, by gum we’ll do it.’

The fans originally wanted Joe Namath, but he hadn’t been born yet, so he probably didn’t know what it took to get to ‘the big game’. Plus he didn’t play baseball.

Many suggested replacing him with Babe Ruth, who had a lot more World Series experience than any of the Red Sox players. But he was spending his summers in an iron lung at that point and the Red Sox couldn’t afford the attendants to push him around the bases (curiously, when they did a trial run, they were faster than the healthy Babe Ruth ever was).

So at that point the Red Sox turned to 7th year pro Gary ‘Homo-Erectus’ Gaetti. Known for being a gamer, he strode up to the Splendid Splinter and boasted, ‘Uhhhhhhhh. I’m gonna take it one game at a time. Uhhhhhhhh… see my pitch and hit it. And I’m gonna try to hit it where they ain’t.’ Williams was so taken aback at this outpouring of pure leadership… of pure gaminess… sorry gamerness that he fainted and hit his head on the Babe’s iron lung. Gaetti was sent in to pitch hit for the Red Sox’ unemotional, boring right fielder to face the Senators pitcher, L.N. Destoy with the bases loaded.

Destoy was so overcome by the shear gamerness of the emotional pinch-hitting Gaetti that he hit ‘Homo-Erectus’ in the knee, knocking off his kneecap. As Gaetti screamed like a teenage girl watching Psycho for the first time, he fell down and hit his Romanesque nose on homeplate, breaking it in five separate places (a new record) and “driving” the winning run in.

All Destoy had to say was, ‘Well he may have been a gamer last year, but all he did was get a base on balls from me. I could tell, however that he was more emotional than Ted Williams…Ted Williams would have never screamed that way…'”

TAKE OF THE YEAR (2)

Andyzipp

Last Christmas, while many Zone-dwellers had visions of Clemens dancing through their heads, Andyzipp’s effort to put the holiday season back in perspective became somewhat skewed…

“A reading from the Book of Zipp, Chapter 2, 1-21: A Christmas Miracle.

(Loosely adapted from the book of Luke. Which just goes to prove you can find anything you want to in the Bible, if you look hard enough.)

1. And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Gordon Ash, that all the world should be taxed. 2. ([And] this taxing was first made when Beeston was owner of the Jays.) 3. And all teams went to be taxed, every one gutting his own city. 4. And Gerry also went up from Houston, out of the state of Texas, unto the city of Rednecks and NASCAR, which is called Nashville; (because he was of the house and lineage of Drayton.) 5. To be taxed with Drayton, his espoused owner, being great with delusions of Clemens. 6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that Drayton should be negotiating. 7. And he wanted to bring forth his home-town pitcher, and wrap him in swaddling currency, and lay him in an eighth wonder; because there was no room for them in the BUS. 8. And there were in the same state (and surrounding ones) Zone-dwellers abiding on the net, keeping watch over their posts, and those of their neighbors, by day and night. 9. And, lo, the agent of the Clemens came upon them and the glory of the Clemens shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10. And the agent said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great income, which shall be to all people, at great cost. 11. For unto you can be delivered this day in the city of Ryan, a saviour, which is Clemens the ace. 12. And this (shall be) a sign unto you; Ye shall find the bonus-baby wrapped in swaddling currency, lying in a dome to the north. 13. And suddenly there was was with the agent a multitude of players union reps and future free agents praising God, and saying, 14. Glory to Hendricks in the highest, and in Houston, peace, and 43.5 million dollars for 3 years toward Clemens. 15. And it came to pass, as the agents were gone away from them into Leer Jets, the Zone-dwellers said to one another, Let us now go even unto Houston, and see this thing which is come to pitch, which has cost us good players and lots of money, that the TALK ZONE has made known to us. 16. And they came with haste and found Drayton, and Gerry and the ace toeing on the rubber. 17. And when they had seen (it), they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this pitcher. 18. And all they that heard (it) wondered about all the freaking players we gave up and all the contractual conditions, things which were told to them by the Zone-dwellers. 19. But Drayton kept all these things, and pondered [them] in his heart. 20. And the Zone-dwellers returned, shaking their heads, glorifying and praising Drayton and Gerry for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told to them, was untrue. 21. Gerry had delivered the ace for Bell and Bergman.”

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

1999 TALK ZONE MVP

Andyzipp

McGwire, Elway, Jordan… Zipp. In perhaps the greatest year-long performance ever seen on any message board, TZ Legend Andyzipp flat-out dominated. From classic bouts with arch-villain AstrosGuy (the original, evil version) to the epic, whacked-out takes that forced the creation of Zipper Flap, he raised the bar in the AZ, errr… TZ, and along with newly-crowned Legend Ray K, made the competition for quality takes extremely difficult.

Who would’ve thought that someone whose first memorable take was “Sean Berry is the best cleanup hitter we’ve seen since Franklin Stubbs” could possibly reach the lofty heights of TZ immortality? Over the past year, we’ve been subjected to his sarcastic wit, huge slams, useless pop-culture knowledge, ridiculous tales, long-ass takes, Clark-dialect, alleged death, alleged retirement, mysterious disappearances and of course the Great Experiment prior to the 1999 season. His far-reaching twisted influence can be seen in the work of rookie dwellers, and even the fearless hosts themselves. Zone-dwellers, this is your undisputed champion and 1999 KING OF THE ZONE.

Well here we go, some of the more memorable single takes from the TalkZone’s first year. At the bottom of the list, we also identify the 1998 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

BEST “IF I WAS THE GM” DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR

Billy, Prince Of Heck, Michael N.

The stats started flying in March when Billy’s musings on being GM and what he would do led to a heated discussion about the 12-man Padres deal in 1994 and whether or not Caminiti was a better hitter because he got off the sauce or because he got out of the Astrodome. As usual, no verdict.

BEST SINGLE TRADE SUGGESTION OF THE YEAR

Bert W

Of all the thousands of trade musings witnessed on the TalkZone this season, Bert W no doubt struck a chord with everyone when suggesting this genius move…

“I’d like to see what we could get in a package deal–Clark, Scanlan and Orbit, for anybody with 4 limbs and a pair of cleats.”

MOST UNCANNY NAILED PREDICTION OF THE SEASON

Tom S

After the Stros got dusted 2 straight by the Rockies at Coors, and were about to head into Cleveland for 3 against the defending AL champs, Tom S stated the following….

PREDICTION:
“I say we lose tonight, because the pitching matchup is horrible (their best pitcher against our worst). Then we come back and whup up on Gooden and Nagy to take the series 2-1.”

RESULT:
Game 1: Indians 4, Astros 2 (W-Colon, L-Schourek)
Game 2: Astros 9, Indians 5 (Gooden, no-decision)
Game 3: Astros 12, Indians 3 (L-Nagy, with 8 ER in 5-1/3 innings)

MOST NEGATIVITY FROM A SINGLE INDIVIDUAL

PYRO

Without a doubt. With a consistent, dark perspective reminiscent of early Prince of Heck takes, PYRO is always there to flame the ‘Stros whenever they lose two in a row and especially when it’s against scrub competition. This leads us directly to our next award…

BEST USE OF THE TERM “CANDY-ASS”

Andyzipp

After becoming sick of PYRO’s day-long rant when the Stros dropped 2 straight against the miserable Reds, Andyzipp launched the following shot across the bow…

“Luckily, I’ve only had to hear your candy-ass whining 6 times this year.” (refering to the fact that PYRO appears whenever the Astros lose two or more games in a row)

SOB STORY OF THE YEAR

Michael N

After Billy brought up Michael N’s stellar career as tee-ball pitcher, the former all-star came to grips with his dark past…

“It was a sad, tragic day when I got banned for altering the tee prior to the big series in 73. Was never allowed to pitch again. A little boy’s dream shattered in one fateful, mistaken moment…”

MOST EMPHATIC SLAM OF A VILLAIN WITHOUT THE USE OF CRASS LANGUAGE

Mejias

Mejias went off after being called out by YANKEE FAN on why Mejias seemed hell bent to run him out of the TalkZone when he was obviously such a tolerable non-Astros fan…

“This is an Astro message board, not an American league yankee lovin one… You are just using it (Talk Zone) as a means to brown nose some of the best fans in baseball and to every now and then get your two cents in about your “AWESOME” team. You just want attention and can’t get it on any of your bandwagon Yankee pages.”

FAVORITE VILLAIN

YANKEE FAN

Mejias’ blistering commentary notwithstanding, YANKEE FAN gets our vote for this one. Yeah, YANKEE FAN busted in here and started cracking on us, the Astros, the National League, and anything else that came to mind. This caused one of the greatest collective meltdowns by attendees that had ever been witnessed on the Zone since CHOPPER showed up in here during the 1997 playoffs and actually had the mysterious and rarely-seen Talk Zone Overlord ready to pull the plug. Unlike that backwards representative from the ATL, YANKEE FAN has demonstrated a level of baseball knowledge far beyond that of the average crasher, and has since revealed an interest in the Astros that actually borders on fandom. In return, we have stated in all our wisdom that the Yankees are indeed an above-average ballclub.

HONORABLE MENTION: Morpheus

The only good that came from the brutal war between the Zone regulars and the invading Cub fans in early June was the seemingly-reasonable Morpheus, who sought refuge from the candy-ass posts and tired nostalgia of the Cubs official website message board – and to talk serious baseball with a crowd that has never failed to deliver the goods.

NOTE: Of course, this is not an open invitation to opposing fans – this place isn’t for everyone. ALL opposing teams are fiercely hated at Kev & Scott’s Astros Connection. Additionally, all opposing fan nominees had to demonstrate a superhuman ability to withstand verbal assaults from Minor Opinions contributor and TalkZone bouncer Michael N to even be considered for this award.

MOST RIDICULOUS TIME OF DAY THAT A MESSAGE WAS POSTED

Andyzipp

4:07 a.m. on a Saturday. This is even worse than some of Billy’s early posts. And we thought you people were just screwing around with this site on company time…

MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR

J-Man

J-Man went gangsta on John.Jakubik when John correctly stated that gold Astros jerseys would indeed be hideous after J-Man brought up the idea in the first place…
“You must be some kind of asshole! Dont EVER! give me a response like that again or you’ll be sorry. I have ways.”

OUR FAVORITE BOSS

BaddKarma

Let’s face it, anyone who has to supervise PYRO has to get some props. By providing plenty of latitude (and access) for one of the Zone’s darkest nay-sayers, BaddKarma had a lot of us wanting to quit and go work over there. However, after a particularly long tirade, BaddKarma eventually had to put the clamps on PYRO after demands were made to have the afternoon off to play golf.

OUR FAVORITE LAWYER

JB

Who says lawyers are good for nothing? JB gained immediate “Official Kev & Scott Rules Of Baseball Interpreter” status when attempting to explain to Michael N exactly why Sean Bergman was charged with a run when the only runner he allowed on base in a particular inning was out at the plate during a game in Cincinnati, and why that rule was not interpreted correctly by the scorekeeper. We will definitely be consulting with JB when we assemble our extensive white paper on why the DH should be banned forever, before sending it along to the MLB executive committee.

MOST OBSCURE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW REFERENCE OF THE YEAR

Dangerpig

After a lengthy 8-person tirade against the ATL and Chipper “Slacker” Jones that wound up with Pam admitting that her 11-year-old was indeed a Slacker Jones fan…
“Like Barney on the Andy Griffith Show used to say, “First sign of a child going wrong… ya gotta nip it in the bud… nip it!

MOST INCREDIBLE DAVE CLARK SARCASM

Andyzipp

During the height of the TZ confusion resulting from Dierker insisting on playing Dave Clark as much as possible, Andyzipp launched this bit of titanic sarcasm in response to JJW’s defense of the oft-disappointing outfielder, and a dialect was born…

“Dave Clark is the greatest player in the History of Baseball. There has never been another human being, athlete or otherwise, as great as Dave Clark. Dave Clark is the way, the means and the light of the world. If I were a woman or in possession of an unoccupied womb, I would gladly bear Dave Clark’s children, in the hopes of producing a race of superhuman baseball players.
Dave Clark is so dear to the game that all teams should change their names to the Dave Clarks. For example, the Houston Dave Clarks lead the Chicago Dave Clarks by 5 games. In fact, baseball itself should change it’s name to Clarkball. The American League will be known as the Clark League and the senior circuit will be known affectionately as Dave. Of course, in the day-to-day operations of the game, this wouldn’t have a great enough effect. So from now on, 1st base shall be known as 1st Dave, followed by 2nd Dave, 3rd Dave and HomeClark. Singles, Doubles and Triples will remain the correct terms, but after each hit, the broadcasters must explain with emotion how much better Dave Clark would have hit the ball. Homeruns from now on will be known as Daveruns…no other slang terms will be authorized, as they are viewed as a disrespectful statement to Dave Clark.

All other players with the last name Clark will be given the choice of either changing their names to play Clarkball or writing a 5,000 word essay on the virtues of Dave Clark and hitting a Line Clark out of the BallClark… Clarkball will be played year round, except for Davegiving Day and Clarkmas, replacing all other organized sports. The word good will no longer be used in the English language and will be replaced by Dave. Outstanding will be replaced by Clark. There will be no other choices. Also, all songs written from here on out will be written about and in honor of Dave Clark. Especially love songs. The work love should also be replaced when used in instances of extreme emotion with the singular term, DaveClark. Except for country music, which will no longer be written. It does not please Dave Clark. Any use of the name Dave Clark must be capitalized. And used only when necessary. And you must have express written consent from Major League Clarkball, the Houston Dave Clarks and Dave Clark, personally.”

MOST SOLID DEFENSE OF AN OPINION

Prince of Heck

One for all the youngsters out there. Prince of Heck provided a crystal clear summation of his cleanup hitter philosophy when Astrobuddy was wondering why Derek Bell, Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn never hit cleanup…

“The mental makeup of a line drive hitter just does not fit the cleanup hitter’s bill. They have to adapt their mental approach according to their physical abilities. Line drivers mainly look to make contact and get on base. If they are able to drive runners in, that’s a plus. A cleanup (hitter) not only should have the mental makeup to handle the pressure of knocking in runners on a regular basis, but should have the physical talent to do so.”

BEST ONE-LINER OF THE YEAR

Hulk

In reference to Kevin blasting the Reds organization and Marge Schott, right after the eccentric owner wiped out and broke her hip…

“Marge the lunatic – I’m sure that the screws in her hip are loose.”

MOST BIZARRE SUBJECT LINE ANALOGY

Astros Rock, Andyzipp, Queen B, Dan Mc, dwalt

A strange phenomenon of message boards is the subject line analogy. This happens when you have a whole conversation going on just in the subject line that sometimes serves as an analogy for what these people are talking about, sometimes it serves as a unique insight to what kind of screwed-up folks visit this site.

The most whack instance of this we can think of was when the above-mentioned Zone-dwellers were debating the loyalty of Astros fans and how the team stacks up against the hated ATL. However, the subject lines, which would’ve made a fine script for use by Taco Bell’s marketing department, read something like this…

“Are there any takers for the new revolution?”
“Are you talking about the Gorditas?”
“Let’s go eat one now!”

For the record, Kev & Scott are also big fans of the Taco Bell Gordita, especially as part of Value Combo #8, but have come to the conclusion that not only do you people spend too much time here – you obviously watch too damn much TV.

MOST RIDICULOUS TAKE OF THE YEAR

Andyzipp

During a conversation about the Astros cleanup-hitting situation, Andyzipp busted out and said that Sean Berry…
“is better than any cleanup hitter we’ve had since Franklin Stubbs.”
No further commentary is necessary.

BEST ADVICE FOR DIERKER

Mad As Hell

During the height of the Dave Clark madness, and after Mike Magnante had blown yet another lead, Mad As Hell let loose with this perfectly simple and deadly accurate perspective…

“Hey Larry, this isn’t the YMCA… not every kid should play.”

MOST ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF THE TALK ZONE

Dan Mc

Dan Mc summed up why the TZ is often misunderstood with this take, one that Prince of Heck would support, we’re sure.

“The problem with some folks is that they equate constructive comments with disdain and slam. If people want nothing but cheerleading for the Astros then you should probably go elsewhere. I think that most people on this site are beyond the myopic Astros rule, your team sucks -type attitude.”

We agree. However, the Astros rule and the Cubs suck.

SHOWDOWN OF THE YEAR

Michael N., Prince of Heck (numerous instances)

There have been quite a few good arguments and brawls in here, usually when we attract the attention of other teams’ fans. Who can forget the ill-mannered, all-caps-using CHOPPER from the ATL camp, the east-coast swagger of YANKEES FAN, and the Jekyll-and-Hyde demeanor of The Cubs Fan. But when it comes to sheer power debate, two Astros fans leave the rest on the sidelines – TalkZone legends Michael N. and Prince of Heck.

The classic bouts between these two often span days at a time. Regardless of the topic, TZ attendance goes through the roof whenever they square off. Stubborn and unrelenting, a negotiated truce is often the only way to stop the extreme sarcasm and flow of obscure stats.

TAKE OF THE YEAR

Queen B

After the Astros ripped ex-teammate and traitor Darryl Kile in a Sunday game, his first appearance in the Dome since being traded to Colorado, and fluke 1997 MVP Larry Walker crying about how he can’t ever see the ball in the Dome…
“The Astros can take Kile out for dinner on Saturday and then feed him his lunch on Sunday. Unfortunately, his teammate Walker provided the whine.”

1998 TALK ZONE MVP

Prince of Heck

Call him negative, call him a realist, call him rude, but make sure you call him KING OF THE ZONE. Prince of Heck’s pro-pitching, grammar-correcting, ignorance-slamming, anti-platooning, fire-breathing takes have wreaked havoc on many a Zone-dweller. He brings the mad game every day without fail, and has established the standard… we’re not yet sure if this is good or not.

Once believed to be a bitter, pessimistic destroyer of fan morale, the mysterious Heck has proven instrumental in the continuing education (for better or worse) of less experienced Zone-dwellers through his strong positions on: Dierker’s constant screwing around with the lineup, why pitching is ALWAYS the key to success, and why platooning the cleanup hitter is the stupidest thing a person can do, among may others.

From the systematic dismantling of other people’s takes to the epic standoffs with fellow TZ legend Michael N, watching PoH make a point is like watching Tom Glavine carve up the Astros – you might hate it, but its gonna happen and you can’t do a damn thing about it. In recent days though, PoH has even exhibited a sense of humor, through riot-inciting subject lines like “TRADE BAGWELL!” and bizarre references to the Smurfs. Reign on, Heck – and don’t ever change.