Turds 4
Astros 5

W: New Dad! | L: Don’t ask Dotel

It’s come down to this. A season as awful as many of us have ever witnessed comes to a close with a chance to fuck up the shit of a hated rival. As much as I would love to see this happen, I got one-hundred-and-four reasons to be skeptical. I guess my piss-poor attitude hasn’t had any effect on the team, at least for game 1 of this 3-game closer.

There is no match for the level of hate I have for the Cardinals. The fact that Berkman landed there has soiled his already dingy rep with me, so much so that he rides high on the shitheap, sitting bitch between Pooholes and LaGenius. Watching them crumble like day-old coffeecake has been one of the elusive pleasures this dark, dark season has given me. They are like one, big smirk and I’d like nothing more than to have our little team that couldn’t wipe that fucking thing off the face of the Gateway to the West.

Wandy looked wobbly as usual but when all was said and done, he got it done. As usual. He gave up the first Turd run in the 3rd after Freese singled then the mighty cocksucker doubled, moving Freese to 3rd. Holliday then laced a sharp single to left, scoring Freese but giving JD plenty of time to gun down Pooholes, who inexplicably headed home. Tough guy couldn’t even be bothered to try and score.

The boys took the lead pretty quickly in the bottom of the 3rd. Two straight singles, a beautiful sac bunt by Wandy and some heads-up baserunning by Barmes tied it up. Then a sweet double to left by Booj scored Towles to put the Astros ahead.

One inning later, a walk to Lee and a bomb by your right fielder, Matt Downs had the Astros up 4-1, but the Turds got one back in the top of the 5th. Wandy got hisself into quite the jam, giving up a double, walk and a single to load ’em with no out. But just as quick as he got into it, he got out of it yielding just 1 run on a Freese DP and a cocksucker K.

Major meltdown in the 8th, F-Rod starts the fun by giving up a Pooholes single and a walk to Holliday. Millsie calls on WW – sans the Dixie Dance Kings – to turn El Vendo to his weakish side. Of course, the shithead bangs a shot off the wall in left that caroms away from Booj and back towards the infield. Both turds on base scored to tie the thing up and it was looking dire for the task at hand. This all coming just as word of the Braves failings against the Phillies.

The score remained tied into the 10th as new dad Mark Melancon handled the Turds shakily but effectively. Dotel sat the Astros down 1-2-3 in the 9th and came on again in the 10th. First batter Bogie sliced a flare into left that rolled to the wall and landed him at 2nd base. A sac bunt by Booj was booted by Dotel and it’s now 1st and 3rd, no out.

The Man that is Angel Sanchez watches. He listens. He feels the situation. He knows that Dotel fucked up once, and he will again. Actually, it was just a textbook squeeze play executed to perfection. Sanchez laid it softly down the 1st base line and by the time Dotel reached the ball and attempted a scoop toss, Bogie was sliding across the plate.

So instead of the Turds dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots on the turf of Minute Maid Park, the Astros celebrated in similar fashion, one of those satisfying though all-but insignificant victories that this season-from-hell hands them. But for me, this Astros fan, it’s far from insignificant. Watching the Turds eat a shit sandwich in such a crucial situation is manna for me. It keeps me alive and fuels the hunger I will feel for the season to come around again, with all the promises that a clean slate brings. I will once again have the hope and anticipation for what lies ahead for this young team and I will be there when it all begins again.

Unless the move to the fucking AL.

Personal note:

Just like the Astros, this hasn’t exactly been one of my better seasons. Mailing it in a few times and missing a few starts due to a strained work ethic. But I still enjoy writing these recaps, like pitcher likes to take the hill with it all on the line. I hope they brought you a smile once in a while. They do for me, every time.

Thanks as always to the admins, BudGirl and to all of you freaks who read this trash. Onward through the void!

Astros 1
Pirates 3

W: McDonald | L: Sosa | S: Hanrahan! Your wife’s a dyke!

This will have to be another short recap since I saw just the last 2 innings and today’s my birthday. I’ve got drinking to do.

Basically, this game was played in rain varying from a slight drizzle to fucking monsoon. If LaGenius managed the Pirates, they’d have called it yesterday. If Bud were in charge of this one, I’d be writing a recap from Milwaukee. Anyway, ‘roots pitcher Jason McDonald had his mojo workin’ on this young line up, scattering 3 hits and a run through 7+.

The Astros scored first in the 3rd when Sosa worked a walk then Altuve smacked a searing fly ball to right that bounced off the glove of a tracking Tabata. Scored a triple, it got Sosa home for a 1-run lead.

Sosa didn’t pitch too bad hisself, giving up just two 4th inning runs and going 6. The Pirates made it 3-1 in the 8th with a Derrick Lee solo jack off of Wilton.

The boys made it exciting in the 9th, just as the monsoons came. Hanrahan in and he gives a lead-off walk to Lee. With CJ running for Lee, Bogie Ks then Paredes singled for 1st and 2nd, 1 out. Matt Downs PH for Sanchez and bloops a pop-up into no-man’s land in shallow right. The runners break and CJ gets a hard stop sign at 3rd but Paredes wheels his way around second, not realizing CJ stopped. By the time he does, he’s in a rundown 20 feet past the bag. By the time he’s tagged, Downs got to second but a fly ball to left by PH Schuck ended the game.

To help Reuben out, I stole this quote from the Astros.com recap: “I didn’t read the pop fly, but I didn’t see the runner in front of me and I didn’t see the coach, [either],” Paredes said.

So, he had his head up his ass. I know that’s harsh, but he did.

Pirates 4
Astros 7

W: Wandy | L: Grilli | S: Melancon

In a quick recap of tonight’s contest, Wandy had one of his most dominant outings of the year, despite the 3 runs he gave up in the 4th. His 13 Ks were a career high and his bender pretty much had the ‘roots on their heels all night.

It looked to unravel in the 4th with the Bucs producing double-homer-double-double but Wandy settled down and went back to making them look foolish through 7.

After getting to within 1, the 7th is when the Astros woke up. After Schafer took one for the team, Al-too-vay doubled for 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. With the ‘roots infield drawn in to protect the lead, JD sent a chopper to 3rd that Wood fielded and sent an off-balance throw home too late to get Schafer and the game was tied.

No matter, Kabong stepped up next and opened up the game with the 3-run dong! The semi-steady bullpen semi-protected the lead and the Pirates were sent home booty-less!!

Check out the Gamezone, not so much for the play-by-play but for a strosrays-induced listing of some obscure space-themed tunes.

Astros 5
Rukakkes 9

W: Chacin | Big, Fat, Silly-Bearded Loser: Myers

I love it when I fire up my computer to watch the game, just a bit late but still in the first so I haven’t missed much, but just in time to see the first 2 opposing runs of the game cross the plate. 4 more would come across in the 1st in a rather ridiculous display of baseball. Not all the credit goes to Myers, really, but fuck him and his inability to have a mundane first inning.

Jordan Schafer made his debut tonight. NOW I remember that weasel. It’s going to take me some time to get over not seeing Bourn out there in CF but I guess this guy has some skills. Here’s hoping the tats don’t get in the way.

It’s the 3rd inning and Myers has only given up 1 run since the first but it’s 7-0 Rocks. The Astros have 6 hits already with shit to show.

Top of 4 and Bogey hits a lead-off blast to LCF to give the guys a run. 2 more baserunners hit the bags but none score. 6 LOB at this point.

Hard to fucking believe but Myers has settled down! Doesn’t he always? “Sorry for the 7 guys but I think I’m good now.” He was pulled after 6 to see if they could get some of his runs back.

Still 7-1 Stones bottom 8 when Rodriguez, who had retired 6 straight while punching out the last 4, walked 2 of the first 3. Carpenter comes in and gives up back-to-back singles and it’s 9-1 Rockies.

I like young teams that think they are always in a game. You always are really but the young guys tend to really subscribe to the notion. 9 batters made it to the plate in the top of the 9th. Matt Downs got the hearts racing with a PH 3-run job with no one out. Then after an Altuve GO, JD smacked a ground-ruler double followed by back-to-back walks to load ’em. Paredes gave it a ride to left but only enough to sac JD home and it’s 9-5 now.

Former Rock Barmes gave a good effort but K’d in the end. A pretty enjoyable contest, beyond the first inning. 15 hits but 11 left on. Shitfuck.

Dickities 3
Astros 4

W: Melancon | L: Ondrusek

Having jettisoned two of the tenured stars of the last few years for a parade of prospects, the Astros had some holes to fill to field a team when they met the pimply, misshapen asses at Minute Maid Monday. The two recent call-ups combined with another young gun to create some large excitement in a 10-inning walk-off win. Who are these guys?

JD suggested “Hello! My name is…” stickers for the youth movement but fans who didn’t know them found out pretty quickly who they were. Facing Arroyo in the 2nd after a Carlos Lee walk, recent AAer J.D. Martinez blooped a high pop-fly to shallow center that landed between 3 converging Reds. In possibly the most ridiculous baserunning boner on record, when the ball was scooped up by Stubbs, Lee was inexplicably rounding 2nd. An average throw to 3rd caught Lee by 8 feet for the 1st out. After Barmes singled, AA call-up Jimmy Paredes stood in for his 1st major league at-bat. With a 2-2 count, he patiently found Arroyo’s K pitch and sent it deep to the RCF gap for a 2-run triple. Q added a double to roughly the same spot in RCF to score Paredes to put the Astros up 3-0

Bud got banged around throughout his 5 innings but held off the damage to 3 runs before leaving with a blister issue. The bullpen did an uncharacteristically good job holding of the Reds to 1 hit for 5 more innings as this one stayed locked at 3 until the bottom of the 10th.

Q started the festivities off with a single off of Ondrusek. PH and the man that is Angel Sanchez followed with another base hit and the “crowd” started to stir. With Bogusevic up, the Dickities decided to load the bases and draw the infield in a bit to take their chances on a play at the plate. Young Jose Altuve slapped a liner past Ondrusek that appeared to be headed into CF but Brandon Phillips made a diving play on the infield grass and gunned it in to Hanigan at the plate. The throw looked to beat Q to the plate but the ball bobbled out of Hanigan’s glove and Q was called safe. Game over!

As the team crowded around Q and Altuve jumping around like they just won the division, I thought to myself how much I enjoyed this game. I pretty much turned off the last one I watched. Despite the moves that were made and the gnashing of teeth that accompanied them, I still love the Astros and if these are the Astros now, I love ’em, too. Thanks for the excitement, kids!

Astros 5
Jakes 10

W: McClellan | L: Happ | S: Boggs

I was hoping it wouldn’t happen.

No, I had already resigned myself that this team would be shit. What I was dreading was…dreading watching the Astros. It’s a tough muster as most of you already know and admittedly, I haven’t been watching much. That may have as much to do with work-related issues – our office and it’s many, many feet of cabling is relocating – than with lack of interest in this woeful group of not-quites. But maybe not.

Tonight’s game was a typical shitfest. Positives are hard to pick out of this pile and I found myself with my head in my hands more often than focused on the screen. Despite a more direct approach, Happ still blew and the fielding behind him was creative at best. The lineup made the Jakes’ McClellan look better than his .500 record and 4.34 ERA. Really just hard to watch, so I didn’t. Much.

Which makes this one hard to recap. Quite frankly, it’s difficult to keep up with the literary firepower that emits from recaps these days. It’s hard enough for me to string a coherent sentence or two together, much less tie this team’s problems – and my frustrations – to a pop culture reference or historic event. I commend those with that talent and I love reading them. The bar gets higher as the team gets lower and they’re a great read. But I’m just not that clever.

What I can do though…is make an animated GIF.

Courtesy of Jacksonian

Astros 3
Ryangers 8

W: Holland | L: Happ

I’ve said a lot regarding the way I feel about this whole “Lone Star Series” horseshit. Kicking it around more only gives it power but I will say that not only am I less interested in the match-up – simply because it’s interleague which I am not fond of – but I’m pissed off that they go out of their way to pump it up like it’s something to be interested in rather than what it is, a manufactured rivalry between two teams with no shared history. I don’t hate the Rangers, I just don’t care about them and that kills any passion required to make this anything other than a win or a loss.

Well, this one was a loss, as were 5 out of 6 in 2010 and 5 of 6 in 2009. Getting shitstomped by the Rangers is becoming a late-spring ritual, like tornados. In a nutshell, Happ didn’t pitch well, but then the defense didn’t play well either. The Rangers posted 7 runs through 3 – 5 earned – and chased Happ with 2 out in the 3rd.

Anuery did pitch well, keeping the Rangers off the board but Holland limited the Astros opportunities to claw back. They looked like they were figuring him out in the 2nd with 2 runs on 3 hits but that was all they could eek out until they got 1 more in the 8th. Melancon made that moot, giving up a massive solo blast to Moreland in the bottom of the inning to end all scoring.

Remember, there’s 5 MORE CHANCES to put these STINKIN’ RANGERS in their PLACE and bring the SILVER BOOT back to HOUSTON where it BELONGS!!!

Ugh.

Larrywaynes 3
Astros 8

W: Wandy | L: Lowe

It’s tough to sweep a 4-game series. So I guess reason says it’s tough to get swept in a 4-game series but the Astros came pretty damn close in this wraparound – I was prepared to call it a reacharound if they lost but they didn’t even get that. With Wandy making his first start back from a sore elbow and the offense in a funk, things didn’t look too promising coming in to this one.

Watching Wandy serve a lead-off double to start the game dropped the shoulders a bit more and a couple of walks loaded the bases with 2 out but he made quick work striking out Mather to get out of the inning. From that point forward, he seemed to hit a groove.

In the 3rd, the Astros line-up woke up, highlighted by PENCE!!! reaching up for Lowe’s shoulder-high FB and sending it quickly into the RCF bullpen for a 2-run bomb. Pence had another monster night going 3-4 with a walk and driving in 4.

Wandy looked very good but rusty despite giving up just 2 hits through 6, perhaps more of a reflection of the layoff than any lingering effects. He walked 4 but Kd 5 and allowed no runs.

The game exploded in the bottom of the 6th with the Astros still up 2-0. Kepp led off with a single then Wallace blasted a double off of the bullpen wall in LCF that got Kepp to 3rd. After a CJ GO that froze the runners, Towles singled to LF to get Kepp home and chase Lowe from the game. PH Downs drilled agent Linebrink’s 2nd pitch down the LF line for a double that scored Wallace and made it 4-0 Astros with no one out. An IBB to Bourn loaded the bases for Barmes who stroked a deep sac fly to center that moved everybody up. 5-0 Astros. Pence then wasted no time, slapping Linebrink’s first pitch through the hole on the left side, plating Downs and Bourn and capping the 5-run outburst.

After adding one more run in the 7th and seeing Lopez and Escalona hold the Braves back, Mills gave Lyon the 9th. He started out looking good, throwing just 2 pitches for 2 outs but Matt Young doubled off of a LF douche and then Hinske walked. Jordan Schafer then took Lyon’s first pitch yard, way the fuck over the RCF bullpen for a 3-run shot. If there weren’t so many fucking Braves fans there, you might have heard *grumble-mumble-grumble*. You heard it in my living room anyway. But Lyon took care of Uggla to end the game with no more damage done.

Wallace was 3 for 3 with 2 walks and 2 runs. Boojwah ran for Pence in the 8th and played the 9th in right, showing no real ill-effects from the bum ankle. The Pirates come to town for a mid-week 3 that will probably break all-time attendance records. Read Ebby Calvin’s top-notch preview here.

Turds 1
Astros 4

W: Norris | L: Garcia | S: Melancon

As shitty a game as last night’s steamer was, tonight’s game was tasty. Sure, winning vs. losing makes it on it’s own but no, tonight’s game had great pitching, great defense and some timely hitting (in spots), things this team rarely seems to put together all in the same game. They did tonight and it was fun to watch.

The centerpiece, young Bud. His dominance of the shitbirds is documented but tonight, he really had it going. In non-typical fashion, Ks were down, walks were up, even as he seemed to have command of every pitch and despite putting men on in the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th, his defense had his back with 3 double plays and he survived them all. He kept the ball down for the most part, daring the Turds to chase, roll over or take and it was pretty damned effective.

Out of the gate, the line-up was a bit more typical. Lead-off doubles in the first 2 innings led to nothing and when Kepp singled with 1 down in the 3rd, you could almost mail in the result. But Hunter has fancy plans, and pants to match! His 10-pitch AB was a thing of beauty, ending with a crushing drive to center, way the fuck over the head of apprentice hot-dog Colby Assmunch and landing at the top of Tal’s Hill. By the time Rasmus and his sherpa retrieved the ball and got it in, Pence was adjusting his cufflinks standing on 3rd. A GO by Lee plated Pence and it was 2-0 after 3.

On to the Astros 5th, Boojwah decided to create some excitement. A sharp grounder down the third base line that in the 1st went for a double, was nicely snagged by 3B Carpenter but his throw was just late. Booj promptly stole 2nd and when Kepp lined out to right, the jets fired and he slid into 3rd ahead of the throw. Pence’s ground out failed to plate Booj but after a walk to Lee, Michaels singled to left to give the boys a 3-0 lead.

Did I mention the defense? Kepp and Barmes were plenty busy tonight and steak dinners should be on Bud’s platinum card. Defensive plays have to be seen and not described but one play in particular stands out and really added to the suspense of what we were watching. Top of the 7th and the 2-3-4 hitters for the Jakes are up. Bud is dealing to the tune of 0 0 0. John Jay poked a flare to the left side of the infield that to my eye, looked to be the one that would break it up. But Barmes launched himself to his right and snagged the shit out of the ball, keeping Bud’s flirt with glory intact. After a deep fly ball to CF got Pooholes out, Lance Berkman strolled to the plate.

I’m trying to think of what to write here…I want to say some things but then I don’t want to make this about Berkman, that cocksucker. I’d rather make this about Hunter ‘cuz the kid came a couple of scant inches from saving this thing. He tracked Twinkie’s deep drive to right field and timed his leap at the wall perhaps just a bit too soon as the ball dropped just beyond his glove.

No-no no more. Shut out gone. But Bud wasn’t shaken at all. He finished the 7th with a Rasmus infield pop then went on to retire the side in the 8th with just one more walk. Melancon closed it out with a 1-2-3 9th for his 6th save.

Great game! Big effort by all involved and it showed. Let’s hope they do it again tomorrow night and send the Jakes home with a beefy shitburger!!