Pitching Matchups:

Monday, May 3rd at 7:05pm

Cesar Valdez, RHP (0-0, 0.00) v. Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-3, 5.40)

The D-Backs are calling up Valdez to start in place of Kris Benson who got hit with a purse or something.  Valdez was Arizona’s minor league pitcher of the year in ’08 but sort of sucked last season though he has been pretty good thus far in April.  Since this is his debut and it’s against Houston, look for a lot of weeping and hugging and hand wringing from the Astros hitters.  He’ll be opposing Paulino who has great shit and feels pert as a ruttin’ buck and all but tends not to locate at some really unfortunate junctures in games allowing the opposition to run around the bases a lot.  “Patience” seems to be the word of the day when it comes to Paulino, but it would be nice if he could sorta kinda start figuring this shit out a little.  Wouldn’t hurt, Felipe.

Tuesday, May 4th, 7:05pm

Ian “Nigel” Kennedy, RHP (1-1, 4.45) v. Roy Oswalt, (2-3, 2.73)

MLB.com says that Kennedy has pitched a lot better than his record indicates.  Well, that should make him as happy as a puppy with two dicks now that he’ll be facing the nancy boys in Houston.  But, he’ll have to hold on just a damn minute because there’s no doubt that Roy has a big case of the Red ass after losing to Cincy last week and he’ll be out to set things right.  Trouble is, he didn’t pitch that bad in the loss, but had no support behind him.  No guarantee he’ll be getting it on Tuesday, either.

Wednesday, May 5th, 7:05pm

Rodrigo “Neville” Lopez, RHP (1-1,4.50) v. Brett Myers (1-2, 3.82)

Lopez throws a lot of junk and is wily and skulks around and will sneak a knife on the field and that kind of shit.  He was a non-roster invitee that won a spot in the rotation, so that says something for him.  Or, that Arizona is shit out of luck, one or the other.  He’ll be going against Myers who has been pretty steady and hasn’t lost his shit even once this season, though I’m predicting something gets thrown or kicked by the All-Star break.

Thursday, May 6th, 7:05pm

Dan “Percival” Haren, RHP (3-1, 4.50) v. Wandy Rodriguez (1-3, 3.64)

Haren has reportedly had control issues this year, both on the mound and with his bowel movements, so he’s working on getting his shit together.  All in all, he’s still the dominant pitcher of last season and a damn good hitter, too.  Wandy has had back spasms of late blamed on mechanics and over reliance on hot coffee enemas.  He’s trending a little better in his last several starts, so hope springs eternal if you’re an Astro.

Injury Report

Arizona:

Kris Benson: right shoulder strain (a Gucci purse will do that, Kris).

Conor Jackson: strained hamstring.  Serves you right, you cocky little shit.

Miguel Montero: torn meniscus despite an outstanding name.

Leo Rosales: stress fracture in foot.  Ignorant bastard.

Brandon Webb: shoulder stiffness complicated by piles and the Yellow Jack.

Houston:

Alberto Arias: done with a torn rotator cuff.  Go make yourself a fucking sandwich or something, Alberto.

Chris Johnson: strained intercostal.  What a load of horseshit–get your ass up and run, Johnson.

Wandy Rodriquez: back spasms my ass.  Pitch or be deported.

Giveways:

Tuesday is “Two for Tuesday” or some other lame ass bullshit.  Otherwise, Pam ain’t giving away shit due to being away at another conference for busy executives or something.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner (front row, far left) at a recent organizational sales retreat.

Other items:

Mills is dicking around with the lineup, moving Lee to third and other stuff.  Couldn’t hurt.  Maybe an animal sacrifice or a return to a lard enriched diet at the post game spread would be worth a try.

Dave Clark is teaching the outfielders how to jump up and catch balls going over the fence or going off the fence and such.  Next week’s topics: how to hit the cutoff man and correct etiquette for requesting a happy ending in Milwaukee.

Manzella has been booting balls a lot and Mills decided to sit him.  “Hey, Tommy: if you want to kick balls around, Round Rock is a damn good spot for doing it.”  Not really.  Everett had a bit of a tough time the first time that he got called up, so it’s not unexpected for Manzella to struggle.  Still, it would be a good thing if Tommy could kind of get his shit together.

I suggest both Red Stripe and Modelo Especial for outdoor patio drinking sessions this time of year.  They go good with practically anything, excepting Skyline Chili.  For that, I recommend strychnine.

Richard Boone was a highly underrated actor.  Watch him in opposite Paul Newman in “Hombre” and you’ll see a humdinger of a performance.

I took the missus to see Chelsea Handler a few weeks ago and I’m pretty sure that I was the oldest person there, at least the oldest straight male, represented in shockingly low numbers.  Lots of good looking twenty and thirty something females all dressed up and giggly from a few too many Cosmos.  If you were a young heterosexual male and stationed yourself outside the exit as the show ended, it would have been similar to bears catching salmon swimming upstream.  

There’s a helluva baseball team in Austin right now–the Longhorns have been beating the shit out of everyone–they’re now over 20 wins in a row.  Look for crowd shots at Omaha featuring JimR. and MRaup shirtless, holding John 3:16 signs.  Or, maybe just holding on to something cold and frosty in a cup that tastes like summer and baseball and good times.

Here’s your pitching matchups:

Monday, April 12 at 3:15 CT on “FS-H” 0r whatever the hell Fox is calling itself this month.

Wandy Rodgriguez, LHP (0-1, 4.50) v. Adam “Ant” Wainwright, RHP (1-0, 2.57)

After generally sucking ass all spring, working on trusting his stuff and locating birth records and such, Wandy didn’t do too badly in his first start giving up three runs and seven hits to the Giants but that obviously doesn’t cut it when your hitters are still trying to figure out which way is the front for their garter belts.  He’ll have his hands full in facing Wainwright who already appears in solid form, going seven strong innings in his first start and supported by an actual working major league batting order led by the back to back of Pujols and Holliday who are each swinging very well.

Wednesday (not Tuesday), April 14, 7:15CT on my20 and ESPN2

Brett Myers, RHP (0-0,6.00) v. Brad “Will” Penny, RHP (0-0,1.29)

Myers looked like a guy who hadn’t started a game since last May which is exactly who he was, giving up the booty and twelve hits to the Giants in his first start.  Welcome aboard, Brett, and help yourself to plenty of punch and cookies.  RedassBrett will be facing Brad Penny, another Cardinal dickhead who’s already throwing lights out with one run on six hits over seven innings in his opener; just the thing for the light hitting Astros.   Maybe this will be the game when Myers dots a few guys, gets tossed, picks a fight withseveral players on bothteams along with a dowdy Midwestern housewife, composes a sonnet, weaves a fishing net and then finishes it all off with twelve Carlings and a rock and rye.  Or, something like that.  He’s a renaissance man, Brett is.

Thursday, April 15, 12:40 CT, FS-H

Bud Norris, RHP (0-1, 10.12) v. Kyle Lohse, RHP (0-0,6.00)

Norris looked a lot like a pitcher who is basically a rookie making it all up as he goes along in his last start which is essentially what he is.  He threw some real good pitches here and there but unfortunately, they were sandwiched between about 725 other curious tosses during his 2 2/3 innings of overall suck against a Phillies team that is more than happy to receive suck and produce multiple money shots in return.  Clean up was messy that evening and Dennis Liborio gave Norris a towel assessment.  Young Bud will be up against Kyle Lohse who had his own troubles in his initial start against a pretty good Milwaukee lineup, giving up four runs over six innings.  Uh, also, Lohse has been very effective against Houston, going 5-1 in his last seven starts.  Great.  You get a cookie, MLB News.

MASH Report:

St. Louis:

All healthy.  Are you shittin’ me, MLB?  Must be all that clean living among the best fans in baseball.  Maybe LaRussa has extended his pre and post game rubdowns of Pujols to the entire team–that’s all I can think of.

Houston:

Arias has right rotator cup weakness.  Switch hands, Alberto.  You would have known that had you gone to a college with a lot of ugly girls.

Yorman Bazardo: strained shoulder.  Get well, Yorman.  The game needs a player with a name like yours.

Sammy Gervacio: strain of right shoulder posterior cuff.  I’m fairly certain that I don’t even have one of those.

Berkman: lollygagging, now until the 20that the earliest with his right knee thingy.  Seriously, this doesn’t look good for Berkman or the team–it’s hard to see him being anywhere near 100% effective this season.  He’s (allegedly) never been a drug guy–no HGH or greenies–and without ’em, Berkman is like every other ballplayer of the last hundred years: he’s wearing down in his thirties.  He’ll be hanging out in Houston since they have better exercise bikes than at Wrigley and he’s a little homophobic with the LaRussa thing going on in St. Louis.

Giveaways This Series:

Show up at the opener today and they’ll give you a little schedule magnet.  Otherwise, that’s it for the series.  Cheap bastards–Drayton gives away all kinds of shit that you can pile up in your closet and later give away at a garage sale.

Odds and Ends:

Watched a little of the Milwaukee-St. Louis game last night.  Two pretty good teams and couldn’t help thinking back to when the Astros ran a team out onto the field that included a Carlos Beltran batting second –-those cities used to be envious of the lineups and pitching staffs that Houston put on the field.   Not now.

I’m getting a little tired of the “Millsie” thing and now the “Sully” thing, etc.  No word if Gardner is referred to as, “Pamsie.”  Probably not.  Haven’t heard much about Gardner as of late other than she’s still making her fair share of conferences.

Astrosteam president Pam Gardner shown with unidentified team official at recent executive retreat

The Astros have scored fewer runs this season than the Diamondbacks in one inning yesterday.  Thanks, ESPN, for pointing out the obvious.  Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Houston doesn’t have a very good team right now along with the unmitigated gall they once had of competing year end and year out for the playoffs.

Mills (not Millsie) sat Pence and his .095 average.  Next up: someone from the Chronicle to assert a “rift” or something between the new manager and the team’s hearthrob to Houston area ninth grade girls.

The ‘stros were clad in the ’65 unis for Saturday night’s game.  Almost startling to see the hometown nine wearing a real uniform, with even  stirrups and sanitaries to boot.  The current “home white” kit isn’t bad and neither are the road grays (on the odd occasion when they wear them) but the original colors and style are highly pro.  The blocked “HOUSTON” on the old road grays was also outstanding.  I wouldn’t get any hopes up on the organization seizing the day on this–they’re convinced by whatever idiotic marketing study was done or simply by one of Drayton’s grandchildren’s preference that the ugly ass pinstripes and the road softball unis are just the thing.

Speaking of ’65, I was actually in attendance at the Yankees exhibition that kicked off baseball in the Dome but remember absolutely zero of it.  I do, however, recall quite clearly seeing Billy Graham there along with 55,000 or so other mouth breathers amazed that Houston and Jesus could come up with something this goddamn impressive.  They had everything at the Astrodome when it first opened including bullfights (they didn’t actually kill the bulls), lacrosse (yes, lacrosse) and umpteen tours given each day to slack jawed locals and tourists alike who would all return outside to the 98% degree temp and 98% degree humidity and to the massive parking lot and find a new “Astrodome-8th Wonder of the World” bumper sticker on their cars.  People wanted in the place just to behold it.  The Astrodome was obvious proof that God had big things in mind for Texas and America and that those fuckers in Moscow had better bring their lunch if they wanted a piece of us.  But, the Astros went on, of course to prove that God and Texas and America and the Marines and even that thing called momentum can’t always beat good pitching or opposing shortstops named Walt Fucking Weiss.

They played the Masters this past weekend which is fabulous entertainment, especially when so many big names are in contention.  The “limited commercial interruption” deal that the good ol’ boys at Augusta National demand of CBS makes for great viewing, especially the astounding shot of the final pairing of Mickelson and Westwood moving from the 17th green to the 18thtee box and the gallery extending down the length and breath of the narrow, final fairway.   Speaking of shots, was there a better one than Michelson’s iron off the pine straw between the trees and over the certain death of Rae’s Creek to six or so feet from the pin on 13?  I don’t recall seeing one as spectacular when it really mattered with so much hanging on it in a major championship.  It’s the kind of risky endeavor that Mickelson has tried before with often disastrous results–he’s worn the “World’s Biggest Dumbass” title more than once.  But, damn that was a glorious thing to behold.  I don’t know if the Masters is the best major but it is highly unique and also superbly fun with the multitude of lead changes possible and probable on the back nine.  Reasonable prices on beer and pimento sandwiches, too.  I do enjoy the National Open, though, for the pain and suffering it inflects on professional golfers.  Also, the British Open when a nice summer day in Scotland means it’s 35 degrees with a wind blowing at about 50 and a “soft” rain hitting ’em sideways.

I missed the Super Bowl and a good part of the final day of the Masters due to my required attendance at events involving the youngest Bulba daughter.  I still marvel at the lack of attention to MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS on the calendar by the interesting personalities that schedule these sorts of things but that’s another rant.  Anyway, I bemoaned it a little both times but quickly realized there will pretty much always be a Super Bowl and a Masters but some things involving your kids only come around once.  And, that’s kind of where we’re at with the Astros.  It gives you the opportunity to now quite clearly recall what you had when there was a guy named Bagwell at first and a fellow named Biggio playing next to him, with both ripping  the throats out of the opposition–man, those were the days.  And, I’m pretty sure we’ll all live to see another Astros team that’s a winner–maybe even within five years–who knows?  So, now is the time to look back and take note of what we had and to also be real fans of the team and stick with them when they’re down–any asshole can wear a Yankees or Red  Sox or even Cubs hat; that’s not hard to do.   No, this is a great time to watch how prospects develop and how the organization operates and drafts for the future.  It will also be fun watching what the team can accomplish with what they have and to see who rises to the occasion and decides to make a name for himself.  Also fun to listen to Deshaies parse and react to what he sees and Brown chuckle at yet another gem tossed his way by the ex-pitcher.  Just don’t call them Jimsie and Brownsie.

Astrosmanager, Cecil Cooper with general manger, Ed Wade in background

Monday, 6:10pm

Wandy Rodriguez, (13-9, 2.76) v. Bronson Arroyo, RHP (12-12, 4.17)

Helluva a year for Wandy–he finally broke out and he did it in a big way.  Not a bad record and that 2.76 ERA says a lot.  He’s been dominant against the Reds this season (0.50 ERA) and he’s coming off a seven inning three hit performance against the Braves.  He has clearly established himself as a solid #2 in any team’s starting rotation.  Too bad the guys on both sides of him didn’t hold up their end of the deal.  Arroyo has eaten innings like it is going out of style and is on dope.  Just ask him.  He essentially told the world (and Bud Selig) “Yeah, I like to take a lot of shit and it makes me play better.  What the fuck are you going to do about it?”  Bud got flushed and fanned himself and called for a UN resolution condemning good dope but that’s about it.  So, you should see Wandy and Bronson for a good portion of the game and at least one of them will hitting the HGH pipe between innings.

Tuesday, 6:10pm

Roy Oswalt, (9-6, 4.03) v. Kip Wells, RHP (1-4, 5.21)

Oswalt is pining for Jake and yearns to be on the ranch “hunting” with his best bud.  There’s really no other reason to explain the highly mediocre year that Roy has turned in.  He’s had his usual share of nicks and gimps but it’s still a head scratcher trying to figure out why the same guy who can go out and dominate one night, can five nights later look highly unbalanced.  I guess the cap on Roy’s season is that he has no decisions against the Reds this year, a team he has owned like no pitcher has ever owned a club.  Time to break one off, Roy.  You know, for old time’s sake.  He’s going against Kip Wells, a Baylor type who probably sits around all day flipping channels between Robert Tilton and tranny porn.  Roy, if you can’t beat this guy, go ahead and head for the ranch–Jake’s got the tent warm.

Veteran pitchers, Roy Oswalt and Jake Peavy proclaim "no quit" in either.

Wednesday, 6:10pm

Bud Norris, (5-3, 5.44) v. Justin Lehr, RHP (4-2, 4.93

Norris is having a typical rookie campaign–some good games, some dumb luck games, some games getting his ass handed to him.  What’s his upside?  Don’t know–haven’t heard anyone call him Drysdale but he’s probably going to be part of your 2010 rotation based on what the club has and what they can get over the winter.  Not having to listen to Cooper will do doubt help him but probably doesn’t make him a 20 game winner.  Lehr is right handed, pitches for the Reds, and likes screwing goats, humming “The Internationale” during the Star Spangled Banner, and enjoys kicking old people in the groin.    If Norris can’t get up for this game, then he’s a goddamn pansy.

Injury Report

Arias: strained right hamstring.  Learning the harpsichord.

Blum: bruised shin and tired of all this shit.  Fondling plane tickets to Hawaii every hour on the hour.

Astros infielder, Geoff Blum declares, "Aw, fuck this shit!"

Hampton: fucked up beyond hope.  Currently on the live dissection table at the UT Medical Center in Galveston.

Oswalt: lower back tightness.  Yeah, you get that from hours and hours spent working on your website, Mr. 44.  Now, go throw the goddamn ball.

REDS:

Thirteen (13) guys on the DL including Taveras, Harang, Volquez, and Nix.  Did the team bus hit a fucking IED in Pittsburgh?

Reds team bus after IED explosion in Pittsburgh

Promotions

Tuesday: “Bark in the Park” night.  This means you get to bring your goddamn yappy-assed dog to the game.  Frankly, it’s probably a good idea all the way around: the dogs won’t know they’re watching two shitty teams and will get the opportunity to take a dump in one of the ugliest parks in America.  The fans will have the privilege of watching some hapless clod slip on a fresh pile, while wearing a Joe Morgan throwback.  What could be better?  Pete Rose would be laughing his ass off before hurriedly getting back to marking off his prop bets.

Wednesday: “Senior Citizens Specials.”  In the middle of the fifth, two lucky old people will get to do the old put the head on the bat and spin around before running to first base.  Both will probably die.  A living winner will get year’s supply of liver from the local Armour plant.  Otherwise, if you’re sixty or above, you get a firm handshake and a half off coupon at SAS.   Nothing looks snappier in Cincy than some of those taupe colored velcro strapped loafers.  Ask JimR.

Final Thoughts

My last preview of the year (all have come at EXACTLY the same time as a work or family issue was developing).  I’m sure you’ll thank me for their relative brevity, lack of father/son baseball as a metaphor for life melodramatic bullshit, and the fact that I have managed to keep you somewhat abreast of the minimal facts of the series at hand and the goings on with team president, Pam Gardner.  Just trying to be of help.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner (source: 2009 Astros Press Guide)

Though our team isn’t going to be in the post season where we want them (you may need to get used to that for a while), this is nevertheless a fantastic time of year–football is back, Texas is beginning to cool to somewhere under 100 degrees, you can shoot harmless migratory birds with glee and wild abandon and eat them, the bratty assed kids are back in school allowing you to sneak home for a nooner with your significant other or others, and you can soon look up into that brilliant harvest (we called it Comanche) moon while you’re taking a leak through the hedges into your neighbor’s back yard.

I played golf with Lurch and austro the other day, and afterwards we had lunch and played cards.  Lurch cheats at Texas Hold ’em and bangs cocktail waitresses two at a time.  austro is a goddamn Rice grad and was formerly a carney.  What the fuck are the odds on shit like that?  There should be a fucking hall or at least a goddamn monument at fucking Rice dedicated to Rice carneys.  He can break down a carney tent, fuck people over in that fucking milk bottle game, and then go do fucking trigonometry.  He’s a pretty good putter, too.  Fucker.

Goodbye 2009 season, goodbye Cecil, goodbye lots of old guys, and goodbye listening to J.D. and Brownie until we meet again.  Sometimes, it’s not all fun, but looking at this site now and then seldom gets old.  I think I speak for a lot of us when I give a big “Gracias” and a hearty whatever to the men and women who make this site what it is. 

Adios, amigos.  Pound that Budweiser.

Astrosteam president, Pam Garner with unidentified team official during "official dress uniform day" at team headquarters.

September is coming, a bonus sweat month for those of us in the Lone Star State.  That means college football, dove hunting, Rosh Hashanah–you can do them all on the 19th.  But, for now we’ve still got some August to go which means more hardball in the dog days.  Your Houston Astros, fresh off a series win versus the AAArizona Diamondbacks travel to Missourah to take on the Coardinals, feeling all fat and happy after thumping  another NL weak sister, the Padres which included a solid performance by Red Sox castoff and single handicapper, John Smoltz.  Houston will have their hands full with a hot St. Louis team, winners of 8 out of their last 10 games set to trot out their best starting pitching along with an everyday lineup that has been heating up, led by a guy named Pujols or something.  The Astros will roll out a couple of their own big guns on the mound for the pleasure of the best fats in baseball and the FSN viewing audience.   Houston is a team that has managed to make things interesting in each of the five seasons leading up to this one; making the playoffs or being right there until the end.  This year, it ain’t looking so good with the boys eight back of the Cards and not much time remaining.  So, if they’re going to make a push, it starts on August 25, 2009 with a series win against the team they’re chasing or else Dennis Liborio begins ordering camo and skunk scent for hunting season.

Tuesday, 7:10pm

Wandy Rodriguez (12-7, 2.89) v. Adam Wainwright, RHP (14-7, 2.61)

Wandy was damn impressive in his last start against a pretty good hitting Marlins team, holding them to four hits (he sucked in his prior start).  Overall, he’s stepped up in a big way this season and has provided Houston with shutdown pitching deep into most games.  He’s known for his dazzling hook which has been deadly on both left and righty hitters in all of his quality starts.  He’ll be going against Wainwright who seems to be getting better in every appearance and goes at least seven frames in virtually any game he appears.  He’s walked one guy in August.  What a dick.  Hopefully, he steps on it.

Wednesday, 7:10pm

Roy Oswalt (7-4, 3.83) v. Joel Pineiro, RHP (12-9, 3.15)

Hard to believe that Roy only has 7 wins at this point in the season but there you have it.  He’d had no decisions in his four prior starts leading up to his appearance against the Snakes and managed to get a win with seven shutout innnings and the bullpen somehow hanging on for a 1-0 victory.    The Cards have fairly lit up Roy in his two starts against them this year, but that is before the new and improved Oswalt that has seemingly benefited from Doug Brocail delivery and anger management therapy.  He’ll be opposed by Pineiro who operates on a let ’em hit it and my boys will field it basis and it has worked well for him, especially at home.  Lucky SOB, Joel and quite a guy.  According to MLB.com, Pineiro’s off season hobbies include fondling obsidian  and forbidden goat love.

Joel Piniero, Cardinal starting pitcher and animal lover.

Thursday, 1:15 pm

Brian Moehler (8-9, 5.29) v. Chris Carpenter, RHP (14-3, 2.16)

Moehler got a win the other day against AAArizona, but it’s been a struggle for him and that seems to be his lot in life: to wheeze, cough, sputter, hack, grind, warble, rattle, and otherwise labor for whatever the hell he can get.  Not a quitter, our boy Moehler, so you have to pull for him and hope he doesn’t get decapitated by a liner back to the mound.  He’s in for a seemingly David v. Goliath struggle against the preening, sneering, and genetically engineered Carpenter, who has been in the habit lately of eviscerating livestock just prior to taking the mound, strewing offal down the length and breath of the clubhouse and into the sheer, nylon thong of Tony LaRussa.  It’s apparently his ritualized  tribute to the god, Ixtab.  Seems to be working for him as he’s in the running for the NL Cy Young.  When he’s not pitching, Chris enjoys scrapbooking and repairing Frigidaires.

Injury Report

Houston:

Boone: throwing spoons and croakers at specks and reds near the JFK causeway.  Look for him at Minute Maid in September, showing off his scar for the pretty girls.

Brocail: allegely on AAA rehab assignment but reportedly deep in the brush, armed only with a knife and his rage vengefully stalking those who dare oppose his quest for righteous righteousness.  And, he’s bringing Hell with him.  Otherwise, he’s feeling better.

Astros reliever Doug Brocail in AAA rehab assignment

Hampton: rotator cuff torn, shredded, tossed, pureed.  Currently cruising the Memorial High School parking lot.  It’s a good school.

St. Louis

Troy Glaus: out with a shoulder injury and back spasms.  Kyle Lohse has a strained groin.  Todd Wellemeyer has elbow inflammation.   That must have been one helluva three way.

Cardinals hurlers Lohse and Wellemeyer prior to current status on disabled list.

Promotional Items

Those cheap bastards in St. Louis aren’t giving away shit.  Part of the blame here goes to SnS regular, Craig, who allegedly soiled an earlier season youth jersey giveaway by systematically farting on all 10,000 shirts.  If you ever come across a kid from St. Louis and he smells bad, you can thank Craig who always has a little something something for a Cards jersey.

Young Cardinal fan still reeking from Craig-stained jersey.

Things to look for:

It’s late August and by this time, you’re well aware of the decidely mediocre 2009 edition of the Houston Astros, a team with lineup gaps galore, suspect pitching, and a manager who digs through his own feces for guidance. 

A defiant Cecil Cooper defends his use of the Astros bullpen and reliance on fecal study for baseball insight.

 They’ve managed to make things interesting the past few seasons but luck seems to be running a little thin this year.  Watchers have been in “next year” mode for a while now, and the off season speculation of what may or what can be done to right the ship is already under way.  Looking at what they have both on the big club and in the minors, it’s difficult to see what can be attained via the trade route which would make Roy and us hapless fan types think Houston will be contenders next season.  Drayton hasn’t thus far shown an inclination to open up the wallet via the free agency route for this coming winter, but he’s done so in the past when his blood suddenly got hot for a super delicious position player or pitcher.  For their part,  GMs are not regular people and Wade will no doubt engineer something out of the blue that no one expected.  Whether whatever he does is effective or will make a difference is another story.

The Cards think that Smoltz was tipping his pitches while with Boston, noting that he did relatively well from the wind up but suffered greatly with men on base.  Apparently, it’s the first thing they study when evaluating pitching talent, to see if a guy is tipping pitches and if they can work their magic to turn him into a world beater.  Interesting stuff and makes you wonder if other clubs have similar takes.  Dave Duncan may like a drink here and there but he’s had a pretty good run evaluating and helping pitchers.

Taking a cue from Oprah, Pam Gardner is said to be starting her own book club with titles both in and outside the world of baseball.  Apparently, she’s beginning with a choice aimed at a younger audience:

Astros team president, Pam Gardner's latest book recommendation aimed at encouraging a young reading audience.

I’m attending a luncheon in a few weeks that will feature Drayton McLain as the guest speaker.  Nice man, Drayton, and he’s always been gracious and generous whenever I’ve seen him–he’s like that with everyone.  Well, most everyone, anyway.  I’ve got a few things to ask him during the meeting’s Q&A, including:

1. Can you describe the specific torments that Scott Boras will encounter in Hell?

2. Do you find pinstripes exciting in a naughty kind of way or something, otherwise when can we expect new unis?

3. What were/are you thinking of when it comes to Pam and Cecil?

4. Beer at Baylor–you can make it happen!

5.Why the pumpkins?  Why the train?  Why Aramak?

Anyway, chime in with suggestions and I’ll see what I can do.  In the meantime, remember that cardinals are always in season.  At least they should be.  I suggest #8 shot.

Thursday:

TBA v TBA

This is the continuation of the May 5th shitfest in D.C., so Washington is the home team and the Bushnecks are the visitors.   Harry Reid and Sheila Jackson Lee get Drayton’s seats and McLane is made to shout, “Yes We Can!” every time Rep. Lee breaks wind.

Rep. Lee (D-Houston) shown in file photo burying a skinny white guy she sat on.

They’re going to pick up the game in the 10th inning  which means that Cooper can resume his long interrupted nap with the first pitch.   Houston can’t use Oswalt, Byrdak, or Sampson (thank you, Jesus) but can use anyone else including LaTroy who was pitching when they suspended the thing back in May.  Washington isn’t supposed to use Joel Hanrahan who has since been traded to Pittsburgh, but in the spirit of being a real fucked up franchise, they’re trying to arrange something through the league office in order to get him into the game.  Selig has indicated he’s inclined to go along with it as long as Houston will agree to another home series with the FTCubs in Milwaukee.  That’s how they roll in the National League, baby!

John Lannan, LHP (6-5, 3.45) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.11)

Lannan has a winning record and a decent ERA for a pretty crappy team, so that means something.  He’s also left handed which should guarantee him a job well into his AARP years.  He had a very decent outing in his last start against the Braves, holding them to three runs over eight innings.  Ortiz took a complete dump all over the mound in his last outing against the Giants, getting shelled with eight runs.  He’s had some respectable starts, so the Nationals may be the tonic for him to regain the right track.  Probably helps that Backe’s not around anymore with all of his Galveston Ball voodoo tricks he had been throwing at Ortiz.  Had Russ freaked out even more than Bush’s last visit with the team.

Visibly shaken Astros pitcher, Russ Ortiz after former president GHW Bush inquired Ortiz regarding his "taste for snails or oysters."

Friday

Scott Olsen, LHP (2-4, 6.04) v. Roy Oswalt (5-4, 3.81)

Olsen threw 8 2/3 innings, giving up three runs in his last start against Atlanta.  Sounds promising, right, until you figure he’ll be going against Roy in Oswalt’s last start before the break.  Olsen and the Nationals are DOA for this one–Roy will kick ass and take names and you can take that to the Sports Book at Caesar’s.  Stay out of the keno lounge; I had a hooker that looked like Donna Summer ask me for a “date” in there, once.  My dad was standing right beside me, which was an interesting added dynamic.

Saturday

Craig Stammen, RHP (1-4, 4.88) v. Mike Hampton (5-5, 4.16)

Stammen is a middling sinker ball pitcher and has been throwing relatively well as of late.  Hampton was strong in his last start against the Pirates, no doubt helped by the encouragement he received from patrons of the Third Base Sports Bar in Austin.  You just can’t discount the power of good vibes.  Mike, in turn, is continuing his support of good schools in Houston, as well as supporting their young graduates through one on one mentoring.  Mike Hampton is the Houston Astros Sportsman of the Month.

Astros pitcher, Mike Hampton offering tips for success at after party of the Klein High School Spring Sports Banquet

Sunday

Jordan Zimmermann, RHP (3-3, 4.52) v. Brian Moehler (5-5, 5.52)

Zimmermann had been one of the more effective starters for the Nationals but fell apart in his last start against the Rockies, due to rookie jitters and having too long of a last name–all those letters on the back of your jersey start weighing you down by the middle innings.  Moehler has been Moehler, giving the team anywhere from five to seven innings each start and would be helped by a little more generous run support (who wouldn’t).  He should be able to leave it all out there as the team goes on va-cay for the all-star break.  Word is that Brian will be shopping for shirts.

Astros pitchers Brian Moehler and Jeff Fulchino shown at "Boys Night Out" shopping extravaganza

MASH Report

Washington:

Roger Bernadina (CF) broke his right ankle playing “floorball” with MRaup.  Don’t read anything into this.

Matt Chico (P) has a sore elbow, a result of watching the torrid action between Bernadina and Raup.

Jesus Flores (C) has a broken shoulder.  Got slammed, no doubt in the above melee.

Terrell Young (P) has shoulder inflammation from pushing away throngs of Nationals fans.

Houston

Boone is sticking with his story of having a heart condition.   Probably cruising high school parking lots with Hampton.

Brocail threw a bullpen the other day followed by throwing down two quarts of Bud and beating up a carload of Russian mafia types.  He’s feeling better.

Giveaways

Friday

Show up and you get a “Minute Maid Park Grass Planter.”  I had no idea the organization had turned so progressive.

Saturday

It’s “Young Professionals Night” at Minute Maid.  If you have $48 and are 21 and up, you get:

A ticket in the FiveSeven Patio bar area.

Eight wings or nachos

16 ounce beer or soda

Astros souvenir mug

2 pack of Trojan “Ribbed for Her Pleasure” condoms

Pictorial History of “Women in Astros Baseball” featuring team president, Pam Gardner

Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown here encouraging young female Astros fans (file photo)

Travel size container of AstroLube.

Endorsed by Astros players for the lubrication of gloves and selected fans

Odds and Ends

Berkman has had a mediocre first half and didn’t get invited to the St. Louis soiree.  He’s not an obvious egomaniac but it’s not much of a guess to think that not being an all-star will give him a little added fire for the second half.  He’s going to rake and take names and will even hit well at Wrigley.  Book it.

Carlos Lee hasn’t been bad, but he hasn’t been the 2008 Carlos.  Could be too, that he catches fire in the second half.

Will be interesting to see how Tejada and Ivan hold up during the dog days.  Could be they seek out the services of Galveston voodo daddy, Brandon Backe for fatigue remedies.

Former Astros hurler, Brandon Backe, now owner of Galveston area "Voodo and Tarot Card Palace."

Houston’s pitching staff is showing vague signs of jelling, which bodes well for whatever chances they have for a second half run at the playoffs.  Certainly, Oswalt and Rodriguez have stepped up and it appears that if they can solidify something for the fifth starter, you’re looking at a winning team.  82 more games will tell the tale.

The TalkZone has, as usual, been active with numerous subjects, including:

Cooper can’t make out a lineup for shit.  He’s getting some damn solid advice from the boys at SnS but thus far, he ain’t listening and it’s not too much of a stretch to think that complete anarchy may result when it comes to the resumption of the May 5th game tonight.  Hopefully, Blum will be around to keep the thing from going straight into the ditch.

“Ryan Braun is an asshole.”  Goddamn it, I’d love to see Houston activate Danny Darwin for one series with the Brewers.   Braun would have to be treated for PTSD for the rest of the season.

Brisket is tasty and there are various ways to go about the task of cooking it.  You can get good brisket in a lot of places but do yourselves a favor and make a pilgrimage to Lockhart before you die.  Don’t ask for sauce, either.

Senator Harry Reid told the Euros that soccer is America’s favorite sport and that he, himself prefers it over football and baseball.   This should be a wake up call to all of you Pinkos in here to throttle the shit out of Reid before the Bushnecks get hold of this and get back into power.  Of course, they’re a little distracted right now writing love letters and arranging their new offices in the basement of the Old Executive office building that they may never hear about it.  But, that’s a damn awful thing for Harry to say.  Might as well have said he don’t like brisket.

Sometimes, good hitters will play possum.  By that I mean that they will set up pitchers just as pitchers normally set up hitters to throw off their timing.  An example of that is a story my old American Legion coach told us one time.  He had a cup of coffee with the Reds and they brought him up for spring training with them.  He was a  catcher and his first game with them was against the Giants with Willie Mays.  The first time up, he signaled for curves on three straight pitches, with Mays flailing at each.  Thought he had him figured out–he had discovered the chink in Mays’ armour.  The next time up, he signaled curve again and he said that the next time he saw the ball it was going over the light tower in left center field.  Mays winked at him when he crossed home plate.  Think about that when you watch a good hitter on his second or third trip up against a pitcher.  As much shit as he catches sometimes, I’ve seen Berkman do it before.  Dick Allen who used to play for the White Sox and Phillies was a master of it.

Five games against the Nats.  Kick some ass and pound that Budweiser.

Pitching Matchups

Friday, 7:10pm first pitch:

Roy Oswalt (3-3, 4.37) v. Kevin Slowey, RHP (9-2,4.23)

Roy’s had some apparent tendinitis in his wrist and was given extra rest going into his last start.  Everyone seems to agree that it paid off as he had that “Old Roy” look about him in shutting down the D-Backs with both his trademark moving fastball and knee buckling curve falling for strikes.   Slowey is racking up the wins this season for the Twins.  He’s a 25 year old big ol’ boy from Conroe who struck out 10 in his last start against the Utterly Without God or Possibility of Fucking Redemption Cubs.  The Astros wanted to draft Slowey but Bud Selig prevailed upon Drayton as a personal favor to refrain from drafting someone so talented from his own backyard in the spirit of reaching out to the rest of the nation.  Bud’s a swell guy.  He’s floated the idea of a neutral series with the Cubs at Comiskey and the Grocer is thinking it over.

Saturday, 6:10pm first pitch:

Brian “The Beast” Moehler (3-4, 6.66) v. Scott Baker, RHP (4-6, 5.30)

Along with being subject to frequent shelling, a favorite of the bullpen, and a cooperative interview, Moehler’s now got that “666” mark of the beast thing going for him. 

Astros pitcher Brian Moehler shown here answering questions related to a curious mark on his upper forehead

  Good for him, he’ll need it against the Lutherans.  With the exception of his bizarre complete game against the Pirates, you can count on Brian for a solid five innings of shell shocked fielders crying, “Incoming!”(sometimes three) which also works well for a bullpen that has had its own set of challenges.    Moehler will be opposed by Louisiana native, Scott Baker who had a solid 2008 season but is off to a so-so start this year.    He threw an effective seven innings against his last start against the Hideous Puss Mongers of Chicago (NL) and has a sub-three ERA over his last three starts.  He’s another big ‘ol boy who sort of matriculated at OSU.  He’ll be importing a slew of Pi Phis from Stillwater for the game so Alkie may want to avert his eyes during the obligatory FSN crowd shots.

Sunday, 1:10pm first pitch:

Wandy “El Mysterio” Rodriguez (5-6, 3.33) v. Glen Perkins, LHP (2-3, 5.09)

Is Wandy tipping?  I thought maybe he got that problem sorted out against the Reeking Tubs of Fucking Goo Cubs but then he went out and shit all over the mound against the Rangers.  Who the fuck knows?  When he’s on he’s been as solid as anyone out there.  For certain, he’s a late bloomer but it really is time for Eny to step up and be the man.  Or, a man.  Or, at least eight innings of The Man.  He’ll be going against Glen Perkins, a more modest sized Minnesotan with above average intellect and his own uncertainties regarding personal hygiene and penis size.  He threw eight innings in his first three starts but has been wobbly since.  Another lefty/lefty matchup, especially appropriate for all of those goddamn Marxists sipping their little latte drinks in Minneapolis.

MASH Report

Minnesota:

Boof Bonser has, appropriately, a torn labia and is out for the season.  Winters are rough in Minnesota.

Pat Neshek has a torn ligament in his elbow from all the hotel room porn.  Done for the year.

Denard Span (Like Boof, that is his real name) is on the 15 day DL for an “inner-ear disorder.”  You got to be shitting me.

Houston:

Blum is on the 15 day with a strained left hamstring from too many game winning hits.

Boone is lollygagging for the year.

Brocail decided his hamstring mey need surgery after all, allowing him to miss Cooper’s bullshit and to drink beer.

Hampton is on the 15 day with a “tender groin” after the recent Astros charity gala.  On a positive note, he found a school district he likes.

Mike Hampton's date, Monique, at recent Astros charity gala

Keppinger is day to day with back pain and a suspect glove.

Paulino has a strained groin developed while watching Hampton do his woman magic.  Do your own work, Felipe.

Valverde is physically healthy and active but still quite insane.  Mostly he thinks he’s a rabbit named, Lalo.

Astros closer, Jose Valverde in a contemplative moment

Giveaways

Show up Friday at the Metrodome and you get a Kent Hrbek bobblehead.  Now, that’s excitement.

Saturday, they’re giving away arguably the worst piece of shit in the history of goddamn baseball, a “Twins Cowboy Hat.”  Wear this and you’re saying to world, “Yes, I’m a straight up Gomer.” 

The hideousness that is the Twins cowboy hat

Other Info

Cecil the Mad forgot to congratulate Pudge on his milestone(s).  Pudge didn’t have a problem with it.  After all, he did take an enormous dump in Cooper’s travel bag between innings, so they’re all square.

Astros catcher Pudge Rodriguez walking urgently off the field

Hunter Pence has taken up chess, probably after meeting some Rice chick and trying to come up with some idea to get into her pants.  Hey, Hunter: unless she’s one of those anarchist types, diamonds will probably work.

Astros rightfielder Hunter Pence playing chess while also working up a righteous bowel movement

The Rangers announced some recent staff reductions amid rumors that the Astros are contemlating the same.  Astros executives are currently attending a team building retreat and were unavailable for comment.

Astros team president Pam Gardner with unidentified executive at franchise's recent team building retreat

They’re playing the US Open this week up in New York.  Well, they’re not really playing but wading through rain and water and mud.  I always look forward to the National Open due to the severity of the course set up and the pleasure of watching professional golfers suffer through it and this one could be great fun.   I’ve been playing a lot of golf myself lately, which should be obvious to anyone after reading the quality of this preview.  Mostly, I’m hacking it around but there’s some light here and there.  There’s a shithead living along the 5th hole of the course I play who has this wretched goddamn Cubs flag on his patio.  I wrote “Fuck the Cubs” on a shitty ball I found and launched it right onto his deck.  Fuck him.  He’s in for a world of torment as long as that rags hangs outside.

Sunday is Father’s Day.  I don’t speak for all fathers but I think that most of us are grateful for a small bit of acknowledgement for whatever good we have done on behalf of our families and not fucking up too much.  After that, let us lay on the couch and in the name of God, please don’t make us go to brunch.  I don’t have story to tell you about me and my dad and baseball and life and all that–I’ll spare you.  I will just tell you that playing catch with my dad remains as one of my best memories of growing up.  I won’t overly analyze it.  Just say that he was there for me and when it’s all said and done, that’s what matters.  If your old man is still around, maybe see if he’s up for it.   If you have a son or a daughter that still thinks you’re swell, they’d probably like it to see ol’ dad chase after one thrown over his head.  Have fun, everybody.

Play ball.  Astros take the series.

Astros manager Cecil Cooper (shown here in formal managerial attire) contemplates the treachery around him.

All that aside, your really awful 18-27 Houston Astros bring their travelling horseshit show to sunny Pittsburgh, 5-5 over their last ten games at 21-26 and squatting directly over your hometown nine.  Damn, that’s an awful position.  The Pirates have a fair amount of young, talented players that are being carefully nurtured along until they can be traditionally dispersed later this season to the Cubs, Yankees, and Red Sox.   Led by they LaRoche sisters (Adam and Andy) they also have speedster Nate McLouth, the ever-raking Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez, and the remaining Wilson sister, Jack.  There’s a slew of other young guys in and out of the lineup rapping doubles and tear-assing around the base paths–just the thing that could spell trouble for the wheezing, clown shoe wearing Astros.  Cue the circus music.

Projected Pitching Matchups:

Friday, May 29

Brian “Man the Warning Track” Moehler (1-3, 8.31) v. Ross “Kent” Ohlendorf, RHP (5-4, 4.20)

Goddamn Moehler’s getting hammered and is looking like the Moehler we’ve suspected lurked somewhere around the credible 2008 edition.  He got torched against the Rangers (well, who didn’t?) and is probably still a little gimpy with his aging right knee.  Take a shot for the team, Brian.  I endorse cortisone early and often.

Ohlendorf is a sneaky little shit just like Niedermeyer.  Oh, wrong character.  Anyway, Dorfmann has pitched okay lately and survives if he can keep the damn ball down–sort of like that Moehler guy.  If these two fine fellows are off their game, PNC Park will be a launching pad.

Saturday, May 30

Wandy “El Culo” Rodriguez (5-3, 1.71) v. Jeff “Ping” Karstens, RHP (1-2,5.19)

Wandy gave up a buttload of unearned runs in his last start during the ill-fated Cincy shitfest, courtesy of Tejada booting the goddamn ball all over the place.  Anyway, you’re quite familiar with how effective Wandy’s been this season, clearly dominant in a number of starts.  He’ll be facing  Karstens who has been crappy all year which means he’ll turn into fucking Cy Young on Saturday.  Book it.

Sunday, May 31

Mike “GCG” Hampton (2-4, 5.63) v. Paul Maholm, LHP (3-1, 4.11)

Hampton looked sharp in his earlier start against the Pirates back on April 15th, but has been leaking oil ever since.  Scouts are whispering that he’s done, which would mean he ain’t exactly a replacement for Randy Wolf after all.  I don’t know–I’d like to watch him a couple of more times before pronouncing him road kill.  Maholm is good if his curve is working and he can keep the ball down, this according to Pittsburgh writers.  Duh–I guess that works for a lot of guys, doesn’t it?  It also helps if the opposing team shows up with absolutely no approach at the plate–remind you of anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Astros?  Astros?

MASH Report

Backe returns from the DL, bringing his sub-AAA crap to the already depleted Houston bullpen.  Wright and his 2009 sub-MLB stuff heads for the PCL.  What a deal.

Blum is day to day with a strained left hamstring suffered going up and down the dugout steps to explain managerial fuck ups to young players.

Boone is a malingerer.

Brocail is happily on the DL with a strained hamstring so he doesn’t have to listen to any of Cooper’s bullshit and can drink beer and read up on all of his AARP mail.

Geary has right biceps tendinitis.  Use your wrist, Geoff; you should have learned that in middle school.

Valverde: crazy as a goddamn bat sitting out in his backyard eating leaves and other shit.

Pittsburgh:

Matt Capps has a right elbow contusion, Ryan Doumit has a fractured right wrist, Tyler Yates has right elbow inflammation–go easy on the hotel room porn, guys, especially when you’re in there  together.  Craig Hansen has neck spasms from watching it all happen.  Freak.

Pirate Giveaways

Friday: they’re giving away a “Pirates Travel Mug” which is a black plastic mug with a yellow “P” on the side.  I’m not making this up.  Now, fans will have no need to make a pit stop between Pittsburgh and Harrisburg.

"Travel mug" for use after that third cup of coffee.

Sunday: you get a “Matt Capps Replica Batting Practice Jersey.”  Sponsored by Vivid Videos.

Other Things

You might have heard that I had the good fortune of sitting in Drayton’s seats the other night. Well, I sat in Mrs. Drayton’s seat, actually, and it was all soft and comfy. I got to see some interesting things, including:

ybbodeus attempting to eat every olive offered at the Diamond Club buffet line, while we waited, WAITED for him to finish in order to see the first pitch.  Denied.  He apparently doesn’t get olives at home.  Or, fruit cup.

yybodeus engaging in prolonged Adderall and Stella Artois fueled happiness which translated at times into strange dances even for an aging white man.

Pudge Rodriguez standing in the on deck circle and laughing his ass off, wondering who let these assholes in the joint?

Barking at the home plate ump for his shit toss of Berkman and realizing that it’s probably the first time that both profanity and beer spittle had been hurled from those seats.  Just trying to do my part for the cause.  I did find myself looking around a time or two at the other club patrons who seemed to be nervously watching the spectacle in the seats in front of them.  Security was on it, too.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner, accompanying security detail in Diamond Club inspection (file photo)

Drinking, DRINKING with the fellow SnSers at The Bus both before and after the game.  Good lads.  Limey never once mentioned his plans for herding Republican scum into work camps.  Homer graciously drank with the old men and stood ready to catch us when we would topple.  OregonStrosFan recited Keats or Yeats or Jesus Alou–nobody really knew.  And, gleach, God bless him, made it all happen.

Damn, boys (and girls)–it can’t get much worse.  It’s hard watching your team getting their ass kicked by the godless Dickities and it won’t improve if the same happens with the Pirates.  Seven in a row means something’s got to give.  Cooper, yes, but  I also suggest that Das take a slumpbuster.  Couldn’t hurt.

Unidentified Chicago official greets young Cubs fans outside Wrigley Field

But, the hell with all that.  We’ve got the 13-16 Padres coming into town to take on your rag armed and short dicked Houston Astros, sitting dead ass last in the Central at 11-17.  The Friars are in a rebuilding phase, or deconstructing period, or maybe simply a dark age, throwing out their dead along with running out Chris Burke  to “play” short and the plague infested piss ant himself, David Shitass Ecksteinto irritate and spread black death at and around second or rover or wherever the hell he flits about.  Bastard.    San Diego also has missing link related Brian Giles, responsible for playing an outfield position and keeping a nice fire lit.  Adrian Gonzalez, their first baseman, is a heckuva player and can usually be counted on to jack eight or nine homers in a typical Houston homestand.  Fortunately, though for Houston, their two stud starters–Peavy and Young will miss this series giving your hometown team a fighting chance.  It will also give Peavy time to cuddle and catch up with hunting buddy, Roy O. and maybe check on a hog trap or kill a Yankee or something.

Friday, May 8th at 7:05pm

Chad “Pierre” Gaudin, RHP (0-1, 5.06) v. Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez, LHP (2-2,2.19)

Gaudin is allegedly better than his record indicates and has been the victim of questionable fielding and melt downs by relievers this season.  WFW.  Man up, Chad, and get a tattoo or an ear thingy.  He’s bounced around between starting and relieving in his career and had a full year in the 2007 Oakland rotation.  The Cubs gave up on him in spring training (I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing) and the Padres are taking a chance on him.  I did a google search on Gaudin and it appears he’s spending some time in the great outdoors, stalking cougars.

Cougar attack victim Gaudin with fur still attached to wound

As faithful SnS readers know, Wandy has been the ace of the Astros staff in ’09 and his performance strongly suggests he’s finally come into his own as the lefty the organization thought he would be.  His last start was a little rocky, but the old Wandy never appeared.  Instead, Rodriguez battled until a rattled Cooper removed him in order to insure a depleted bullpen.  That aside, Wandy’s healthy, he’s at home, and he’s facing the Friars–good things could happen.

Saturday, May 9th, 6:05pm

Kevin Correla, RHP (0-2, 5.92) v. Brian “Just Happy to Be Here” Moehler, RHP (0-2, 14.00)

Correla hasn’t set the world on fire this season and has given it up pretty evenly to both right and left handers, but has been slightly more effective on the road.  He got shelled in his last start.  Moehler looked like Moehler in his last outing, offering up a workmanlike five innings of two run ball.  If Moehler was a golfer, he’d be Jay Haas.  If he were in the porn business, he’d be the key grip.  Steady man, our Moehler.

Sunday

Josh Geer, RHP (0-0, 3.96) v. Roy “El Mysterio” Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 4.26)

Geer is a goddamned Rice puke and probably does calculus problems when he should be out screwing.  He threw seven shutout innings in his last start and the Pads think he’ll be a stud.  Hopefully, Roy will rise to the occasion and THROW THE GODDAMN BALL like the Roy we think we know.  His reported boner has gone down a bit, to the relief of everyone concerned especially Mrs. Oswalt.  Hard to think going into May 10th, Oswalt is without a “W.”

MASH Update

Padres

San Diego has a bushel of guys hanging out in the infirmary including Cliff Floyd with a sore knee and former Cub, Mark Prior with his traditional shoulder soreness.  Too bad he doesn’t have Moises Alou around anymore to rub piss on it.  Maybe he should let Eckstein dry hump it a little, the pesky little bastard.

Plague carrier and all around shithead Eckstein

Astros

Backe: on rehab assignment in Corpus Christi while he’s not wading for reds in Estes Flats.  I recommend a half ounce gold weedless spoon, Brandon.

Boone: alleged “heart condition.”  Lollygagger.

Brocail: old and beat up.  Should stagger back sometime in late May.

Quintero: plowed shoulder.  Could come off the DL this weekend.

Valverde: stigmata in right calf.  Jesus wept.

Swag

Friday: Show up and you get a “Pink in the Park Bracelet.”  I don’t even want to know what that is.

Saturday: “El Caballo” bobbleheads to the first 15,000 or so of the herd.  I’m told they’ll be a favorite of the ladies.

Carlos Lee bobblehead and personal massager. Requires two AA batteries (not included)

Sunday: If you’re a mom or claim to be one, you’ll get a “Mother’s Day Tote Bag” suitable for carrying stuff and holding little Jimmy’s vomit.  Watch out after about two or three of those funnel cakes.

Final Thoughts

It’s been your typical week in the SnS Talk Zone and Beer and Queso areas including:

Tattoos: they look good and bad and mean something to people until they don’t.  JimR. is too shy to report that he has a striking image of his first love, Preacher Roe proudly stamped upon his right cheek.

strosrays reported a strong interest in being a Playboy Playmate.  That’s something I just never saw coming.  He’s still a surfer dude, though.

Megan Fox is hot or looks like shit.

Roy’s Restaurant: Oswalt should have probably thought that deal out a little more before the TZ got hold of it.

Cooper: it’s getting curiouser and curiouser.  Caesar’s sports book set the over and under of Cooper sitting naked in the dugout calmly eating the lineup card at June 15th.  Smart money is going with the under.

A sullen Cecil Cooper clad waist upCooper later shown leaving Minute Maid Park in his ceremonial dress uniform

Wade: Still pouring gunpowder into Cooper’s bowl.

Gardner: Still whispering into the big guy’s ear.  Maybe that’s why he’s spending so much time in Poland.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown arriving at Minute Maid Park

Astros sweep.

Follow along during the series in the infamous Gamezone

And then, they’ve got–the Brad. The last time we saw Ausmus, he was presiding at his own going away ceremony and on the receiving end of some nice parting gifts including a lifetime membership to the Temple YMCA.  We long time fans appreciated Brad for his great defensive skills, his intellect, and the occasional glimpses into his wonderful sense of humor.  Others liked a few of Brad’s other talents, so he arrives back in Houston with some heightened feelings of anticipation for the series with the Astros, along with a satchel of restraining orders for his legion of female admirers.   Seriously, it will be nice to see Brad back, even if it’s in Dodger blue.   The game needs guys like Ausmus who play it the right way, setting an example for the young players coming up and hopefully every once in a while impressing a fan or two not otherwise concentrating on doing the wave.  Brad’s been playing well and is 3 for 7 in the two games he’s appeared.

Brad Ausmus ministering to today's youth

For those of you stalking Brad while carefully observing the 100 foot limit set out by your court order, it appears most likely LA will sit Martin for the Thursday night game, giving Ausmusthe start.   Otherwise, look for him Wednesday night at Second Baptist’s “Up with People” concert.

Probable Matchups

Tuesday, April 21st at 7:05pm (FS-H) Clayton “Big K” Kershaw, LHP v. Russ “Running on Fumes” Ortiz

Kershaw has a 1.50 ERA with no decisions.  In his last outing against the Giants, he threw 7 innings of 1 hit ball with 13 strikeouts (the last guy that young to fan 13 for the Dodgers was some guy named, Koufax).   Houston has seen him andhis left arm before and didn’t like it the first time.  Chances are, they might not like it again.  Did I mention he’s left handed?

The Astros will trot out seasoned, well salted, hermetically cured and otherwise preserved Russ Ortiz who will pitch for a while, ask for new baseballs, shake off Pudge, heavily perspire, and work his way into and out of jams to hopefully hang on for five or so innings of veteran presence before he’s sent back to the smokehouse for additional flavoring.  Berkman has dibs on the first slice of Russ at the end of the season awards banquet.

Wednesday, April 22nd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Randy “Winston” Wolf , LHP (1-1) v Roy “Big Inning” Oswalt (0-2)

As mentioned, Wolf has been very effective this season, what LA was hoping to get and what Houston benefited from last year.  He had a rough first inning in his last start but settled down and threw five scoreless after that.  In his prior outing, he threw seven innings of two hit, shutout ball.  Not a bad pickup for the Dodgers.

Nicole and Roy Oswalt in happier days before his sordid affair with Jake Peavy

Roy is off to an annoyingly slow start, highlighted by losing to the Fuck the Cubs on Opening Day, despite the massive presence of the SnS faithful, engorged with cabrito, a fair number of brews (thanks, das!), and bootleg Enzyte chased down by gourds of pulque (the men had a glass of sherry).   In his last start, he dominated and root plowed the Reds as is Oswalt’s custom,  though Valverde gave it up in the ninth denying Roy his otherwise automatic Cincy “W.”  Should be a good matchup to watch, though Time Warner in Austin will most certainly pre-empt the game for a WNBA pre-season celebrity jam of some sort.

Tuesday, April 23rd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Chad “Spalding” Billingsley, RHP v Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez

Billingsley’s stuff in his last appearance was described as “unhittable” until he ran into trouble in the sixth.  He’s off to a fast start at 3-0 and a sub-3 ERA.  Chad drives a BMW, is on the advisory board to Maxim, and has his own table at the Mandalay adults only pool.  He likes to pick his nose a lot, so he’s got that going.

Home Wandy dominated the Reds in a combined shutout in his last start, whiffing 10.  He had his 12-6 working and located like an all-star.  He also appeared to have some solid rhythm with Pudge, though denied reports after the game that they were an item.

Injury Report

Los Angeles

Hiroki Kuroda is out with a “strained oblique” which is codespeak in Japan for “angry testicle after bukkake fighting.”  There’s probably a restaurant off of Fondren where you can order that.

Doug Mienkiewicz fucked up his shoulder and no one can spell his name.  Serves him right.

Jason Schmidt had shoulder surgery but they think he can be rolled out of the barn in May for a few innings before he blows the thing out again and is shot outright behind the dugout as an example to others.

Claudio Vargas has right elbow tendinitis from jerking off to his grand dad’s pictures.  They shut him down and he’s a temporary righty.

Claudio Vargas' love interest

Cory Wade has right shoulder bursitis but has discontinued his association with Claudio and will be back soon.

Houston

SnS own pravata reported that Matsui “feels fine” so here’s hoping he’s treading softly over the back and anal issues.  Supposedly, Matsui was  nowhere near Kuroda when his most recent flare up occurred.  Reports also indicate that Keppinger has said he’s ready and Houston will need him against LA’s lefties.  Doug Brocail says his shoulder is coming along better than anyone thought and thinks he won’t need rehab.  That might be wishful thinking since Doug’s AARP eligible and chapter president of his local Good Sam club.  Also notable:

Aaron Boone: goldbricking with some purported heart murmur or something.  Slacker.

Brandon Backe: he’s got that strained intercostal muscle (see “Bringing Up Baby”) and is a rearing to go to git back in thar.  Hope when that happens, he brings a little more something than he’s shown during the last year.  If not, Galveston Ball needs a JV coach and the police are hiring.

Brian Moehler: mid-knee sprain from jumping off  of Jeff Kent’s truck in a weird, veterans hazing ritual.  He was possibly clothed at the time.  No word yet when he’ll return but Kent is supposedly staying in Spicewood for the rest of the season to grumble and kill livestock with his bare hands.

Giveaways for the Dodger Series

Tuesday: “Double Play Tuesday.”  Sit in the cheap seats for two bucks with some PowerAde bottles.  Mix in a little Cutty Sark and by the 7th inning stretch, you’ll have a fine tenor voice.

Wednesday: “Play Green Recycled Material Cap” along with a “Play Green Celebration,” proving that Drayton ain’t letting this eco-shit thing  go to waste by missing out on marketing opportunities.  Marvel at the most awful head covering south of the Windy City along with whatever worthless recycling exhibits are conjured up for your pre-game viewing pleasure.  Look for the Reliant Energy booth where former hurler, Ken Bottenfield will demonstrate how a buffet enriched diet can produce enough premium grade fecal matter to power a Toyota Tacoma hybrid.  Milo will do the play by play of the process.

Thursday: Price Matters Days.  Pam Gardner will be at the Union Station entrance to hand out dollar off coupons along with commemorative sketches by Albert Speer.

Team president, Pam Gardner (right) on a downtown stroll with friends

Be the first on your block to own the most hideous Astros cap in franchise history.

Final Thoughts

Losing three out of four to the godless Dickities isn’t the worse thing in the world (the Astros are perfectly capable of dropping four straight to the Pirates) but it’s not a positive development and it was a team effort in stinking it up during this past series.  Doesn’t get any easier boys withLA, so you might as well stand on your hind legs and get after it.

The Dodgers picked up some solid characters with ex-Astros Wolf, Loretta, and Ausmus and that’s a good commodity to have for both the team and the city that surrounds Chavez Ravine.  Lots of hot bods out there, but they’re all supposedly good family men so maybe they can avoid starlet fatigue.  Lots of  cougars in those canyons, though.

Brad Ausmus shown here in another vicious cougar attack

Cecil Cooper has been extended and reports circulating from league sources indicate that he considers the new contract to be a mandate for taking the team to the next level, and we know where that’s going.  As reported earlier, his usage of khat and donning of ceremonial attire at even the most mundane of  ocassions has raised “concerns” from the normally laid back Astros clubhouse.  I say he’s done by August 15th but it should be fun watching the descent into madness.

Astros 7
Redlegs 0

W: Wandy | L: Harang
HR: X

Footer Recap
AP! Recap! On Yahoo!
GameZone

The fucking game wasn’t on in Austin.  We did, however, have angry atheists and lesbians on public access.  For a recap, check out the refreshingly non-pissed and effervescent Footer.  Home Wandy showed up in spades, screaming,  “I AM THE SHORE PATROL, MOTHERFUCKER!” and completely keel hauled the godless Dickities, fanning 10 Skyline suckers along the way.   PENCE!!!, Carlos, and Ivan the Pseudo-Terrible provided the offense for the fine Christian gentlemens in a going away effort.  Cooper, emboldened by his new contract, sat proudly naked on the bench, chewing khat and fondling his impressive collection of agate marbles.  Ed Wade took a shit on his own desk.

Today’s Horoscope: ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Essentially, you’re fucked.  Might as well jerk off in a tube sock.  If you’re a guy, go sit out on the curb with a quart of Miller in a paper sack and yell at cars.  Buy a goddamn turtle or something.