Selig, 480 BC

There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Astros from the histories! Every piece of Houston newsprint shall be burned. Every Astro historian, and every scribe shall have their eyes pulled out, and their tongues cut from their mouths. Why, uttering the very name of Houston, or Astros, will be punishable by death! The world will never know you existed at all!

– Bud Selig, Asshole

300

As they stand at 40-91, having just been swept by the Giants in a cock-punchingly awful way, the Astros sit at a .305 winning percentage.  (“Winning”, here, in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word).  Another sweep at the hands of the division-leading (and likely champion) Reds, and the Astros will drop to .298.  Even DeFrancesco’s mad.  I’m not sure why he thought he’d be able to get anything more out of this crew than Mills did, but I guess you can’t knock his self-confidence.

How low can they go?  Well at their current 1-win-in-thirteen pace, they’ll end up at 42-120, for .259, which would put them 8th on the all-time worst winning percentage list.  If they fail to win even those two measly games, they will end up 4th.  All-time.

Where

Our ancestors built this wall using ancient stones from the bosom of Texas herself.

Minute Maid Park.

When

Houstonians! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty… For tonight, we dine in hell!

Friday, August 31, 7:05 CDT
Saturday, September 1, 6:05 CDT
Sunday, September 2, 1:05 CDT

Pitching Matchups

This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. We are not the Cubs.

Game #1:  Mike Leake (6-8, 4.51) vs. Fernando Abad (0-1, 3.62)

Leake got bashed around by the Jakes last time out, but managed to limit the damage, hang in there and shoplift the win.  I’m not going to bother with matchups against the Houston lineup, because they mostly don’t exist.  Abad is making his second start since being recalled from Triple-A, which is also his second major league start ever.  In 10 at-bats against the Reds, he’s perfect.  I expect he’ll maintain that perfect run for at least another 27 at-bats.

Game #2: Homer Bailey (10-9, 4.24) vs. Lucas Harrell (10-9, 3.92)

Bailey has hit the skids lately, losing 2 of his last 3.  He has the same record as Harrell, but an ERA worse by 0.32.  So…home banker then.  Harrell’s name sounds like the noise Fletch makes when he spots Dr. Jellyfinger at the hospital.  He has been pitching well but getting no run support.  That 0.32 looking huge in this one.

Game #3:  Bronson Arroyo (11-7, 3.84) vs. Chub Norris (5-11, 5.01)

Bronson Arroyo

Incredibly, this is the only matchup of the sereis where the Reds’ starter has a better record than the Astros’.  His also 3-0 lately and 12-7 all-time against Houston (I know I wasn’t going to go there, but I lied).  He also a scrawny little fuck.  Norris is the complete opposite of all of the foregoing.  That’s all you need to know.

Injuries

Freedom isn’t free at all, that it comes with the highest of costs. The cost of blood.

Astros:  Cordero (P) toe-knack; Escalona (P) Tommy-John’d; Fransisco (LF) me-time injury; Gonzales (SS) ankle-knacl; Lowrie (SS) dead leg; Maxwell (CF) bruised finger-knack; Schafer (CF) shoulder full of atoms full of tiny universes themsevles full of atoms full of tiny universes…; Weiland (P) contact high from Schafer.

Reds:  Bray (P) back-knack; Madson (P) Tommy-John’d; Masset (P) talked to Schafer about shoulder issues; Votto (1B) knee-knack.

Promotions and Giveaways

All that God-King Selig requires is this: a simple offering of nachos and beer. A token of Houston’s submission to the will of Selig.

Friday:  Flashback Friday will see The Shaner throw out the first pitch and 1990s blue and gold star unis worn; the usualpost-game fireworks; and the ever-present Coca Cola Value Zone.

Saturday:  Jeff Kent Bobblebonnet day -the first 10,000 fans get a bobblehead commemorating THIS! (Which was pretty much my view of the event).

Sunday:  The first 10,000 fans get a Milo bobblehead and a luggage tag for all those trips to Oakland and Seattle.

Lagniappe

This will likely be my last preview.  I have not paid much attention this season and, frankly, I haven’t missed it.  This is not because the current version of the team his historically bad – I have supported a perennially bad team back home – it is because I know one of the big draws for me is going away.  Managerial strategy (and Bagwell’s monster 1994) drew me to the game, and the strategy-killing league switch is driving me away.

I am not good at following games in which I have no vested interest.  I barely watch the Premier League’s live games (unless I’m bored and there’s nothing else going on), preferring to catch up with the excellent review show.  So I don’t watch baseball for baseball’s sake.  The switch of leagues and coasts is bad, but I don’t think that these things together would have been enough to turn me off.  The dearth of strategy that occurs when the pitcher isn’t in the lineup, is a bridge too far.

I have even struggled, as you can tell, to generate the passion to crack on the Reds as they cruise to a division pennant.  This is the true result of what McLane, Selig and Crane have engineered: apathy.  I quit on the Astros this year.  McLane quit on them years earlier.  It’s a sad shadow of a formerly proud franchise.

“Remember us.” As simple an order as a king can give. “Rememberwhy we died.” For he did not wish tribute, nor song, nor monuments nor poems of war and valor. His wish was simple. “Remember us,” he said to me. That was his hope, should any free soul come across that place, in all the countless centuries yet to be. May all our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, “Go tell the National League, passerby, that here by DH law, we lie.”

Spoiler Alert

They all died.

Your new look Astros t-ball roster is continuing this season’s efforts by drifting along a about a .300 clip.  They are on a winning streak (of 2) right now, so there is that.  They have also reached the 40-win threshold…about a month later than the second-to-last team to do that.  This projects out to a 52-110 record – which would put the Astros just outside the top 25 on Wikipedia’s list of worst regular season record’s in MLB – behind the 2004 D-Bags at 51-111.

That’s what we’re shooting for, folks: to stay off the list that even the nerds who contribute to Wikipedia could not be bothered to research past 25 teams.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05pm CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV

Probable Match-Ups

Game #1:  Ryan Vogelsong (10-2, 2.47) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (8-9, 3.50)

“Vogelsong” is actually Dutch-Irish for “Winklevoss”, which is Islamo-Swedish for “silver spoon cry-baby”.  He sports a soul patch, which has never really been cool, and smokes the Astros.  I’m not even going to bother with pitcher vs. hitter commentary because: (a) it would be a terrible misnomer; and (2) there are members of as yet undiscovered tribes in Papua New Guinea who have more at-bats against this Astros’ roster than most major league pitchers.

Is it me, or is Wandy looking a little tubby these days?  Whether he does or not, his ERA has been getting a little extra around the middle, as he struggles to stay within striking distance of .500.   1-2 in his last 3 starts at 3.71, which is both the same and worse than his career against the Giants of 1-2, 5.71.  Only Orlando Cabrera has any trouble (and if he’s been traded to the Braves without me knowing I don’t care), while everyone else sees Wandy as fat as I do.

Game #2: Madison Bumgarner (7-11, 3.49) vs. Jordan Lyles (1-7, 5.31)

“Madison Bumgarner” is Franco-Swahili for “chick who parks it in the rear on the internet”.  Jeez his parents must’ve really hated him.  God hates him too, apprently, because he’s a lefty, playing on the defending WS Champs, has a better ERA than our Wandy and a worse win-loss record.  Normally I would assume that anyone suffering as much unnecessary adversity as this guy would be a shoe-in for a set of wings, but I think he’s going to be fucked there too.  Just look at his bank account!  Eh?  Oh.

Lyles

Jordan Lyles head shot looks like he’s either: (i) watching two girls, one cup; or (b) getting Franco-Swahili lessons from his mound opponent.  If (b), I’m guessing that he’s somehow reminded of he recent starts.  Which have been like getting fucked in the arse (I got bored with innuendo which is both a damning indictment of this season, and itself innuendo*).  He’s never faced the Giants.

* An Italian suppository.

Game #3:  TBA (not bad, decent) vs. TBA (holy fuck, where’s my mummy)

Astros lose.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias, Castro, del Rosario, Lyon and Schafer.  As if any of that matters.

Giants:  Carlos Beltran has just hit the 15-day DL with a sore right hand.  So many choices here, but I’m going to go with “I didn’t know his contract was up for renegotiation”.  Jeff Keppinger is day-to-day with a sore wrist – but he gets a pass on the masturbation jokes because he’s Jeff Fucking Keppinger.  Pat Burrell has a bone spur in his right foot.  Not by accident – he’s been growing it especially for Beltran who likes how it feels in his anus.  Buster Posey is still recovering from GBH.  Further masturbatory injuries (all true) include:  Sergio Romo (sore right elbow); Freddy Sanchez (dislocated right shoulder); Brian Wilson (inflamed right elbow); and Barry Zito (right foot and ankle sprain).  And if you’ve never sprained your right foot and ankle masturbating, you’re doing it wrong.  Right Alkie?

Giveaways and Promotions

Wait, I’m not done with the Giants injury report.  Aaron Rowand (strained left side) and Andres Torres (leg contusion).  Both from masturbating.  Each other.

Hideous

Giveaways and Promotions (The New Beginninging)

Friday:  10,000 examples of this hideous umbrella – perfect for our rain-soaked city – most of which will go unclaimed, or end up in the lower intestine of a San Francisco Giant.  Also fireworks after the game and that Coca Cola Value deal thingy.

Saturday:  10,000 “Los Astros” t-shirts, which are way too easy to convert to “Last Astros”, or “Lost Astros” or just simply “Lastros”.  I mean, really, they are more on auto-pilot in the front office than I am writing this preview.  There will, however, be a Hispanic Street Festival – complete with Latin food and beverages, games, dancers, an exciting selection of live music, a drug war and donkey sex show.  Well, there was at the last Hispanic Street Festival I attended.

Sunday:  10,000 Astros kids tees, kids run the bases (isn’t that normal for the Astros now?) and the Coca Blala Blavue Blay.

What’s On Limey’s Mind

My passport.  I sent my old one in for renewal, and they sent me someone else’s in return.  Doesn’t even look like me.  How the fuck does this happen?   Who the fuck has my passport?  Are they seriously going to charge me $157 for the emergency travel document I need next week because they lost my passport?

At least I now know what sparked the riots, because there’s an Embassy in Washington that I want to raze to the ground.

This, fresh off a 3-game cockpunch courtesy of the Red Socks.

This team is historically bad, and has no opportunity to get better.  In fact, it will get worse as some of the more functional major leaguers get traded away for prospects.  I agree with that philosophy, but it’s going to be hard to stay engaged while the prospects boost the minor league ranks and the big club is staffed by journeymen and no-hopers.  You know…how the bullpen is already.

Meanwhile, the Pirates haven’t lost a series since getting swept by the Indians in Cleveland, which was their only series loss since getting swept by the Braves in a 2-game set at home way back in May.  To be fair, they’ve seen an awful lot of the Mets, D-Backs and Astros in that time, but they also picked off the Phillies and Red Sox in that time, and they can only play who they’re scheduled to play.

Lucky for them, they’re scheduled to play the Astros and Cubs running up to the ASB, and then the Astros again coming out of it so, basically, they’ve got the next two weeks off.  They’re only 1.5 games out of 1st place in the Central, and they could really make a statement by rolling over the two worst teams in baseball before clashing with the Reds and Jakes.  The only thing I see standing between them and the division lead is the fact that, towards the end of the month, the Jakes get 10 games against the National League’s dregs – including a 4-game set at home against the Astros.

Fuck Lance Berkman.

PNC Park

Tuesday, 6:05pm CDT
Wednesday, 6:05pm CDT

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (6-4, 2.97) vs. Karstens (6-4, 2.65)

Team wins leader, Wandy, will try to keep his good run going; he’s 2-1, 2.37 in his last 3 starts.  He’s also the only Astros’ starter with a positive record (and one of only 3 pitchers in total with that claim to fame – the others being Melancon, 5-2 and F-Rodriguez, 1-0).  He’s 7-4 lifetime against Pittsburgh but, because they usually turn over their entire roster (to the Cubs) each year at the trading deadline, he’s not got much history with the current crop.  Diaz hits him to the tune of .357, while he waxes Jones and McCutchen like cnadles.

Karstens

RHP Karstens has nearly identical numbers to Wandy, and no chin.  He hasn’t lost in 6 starts, a streak that’s hard to see being broken this night.  His career against Houston is a very middling 2-2, 4.80, but he keeps most of the current Astros hitters quiet – Bourn and Keppinger notably sub-Mendoza – but Pence has him for a nice round .500 average including a big swat.

Norris (4-6, 3.51) vs. Morton (7-4, 3.63)

Hopefully Bud’s mum has gotten around to changing the sheets after he shit the bed against the Red Sox last time out.  Carrying a 1-hitter and 4-run lead into the sixth, he was the bulk of a 6-run explosion that saw all his work thrown down the crapper.  He’s 0-1 over his last 3 starts with 20 ponches, but that high 3-something ERA isn’t going to get you much joy in front of this hapless bunch.  Of the Pirates who’ve seen him, they’ve all hit him in the mid to high .200s.

Charlie Morton

Charlie Morton is making his 2nd start after some recent time off to play a cheeky Cockney small-time crook in a Guy Ritchie movie.  The change of pace did him good because he gave up only 1 run in 5+ innings whereas he’d been getting fairly tonked by everyone in the last few starts prior to this*.  Bourn and Lee feast on him, while Pence has been late to the buffet table.

* Save for one start in that woeful streak, which was against the Astros.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias has been moved to the 60-day DL; Bourgeois is on the 15-day DL with no projection as to when he will return (which cannot be before 7/14 in any case); Castro is rehabbing, but there’s no point in rushing him back this year; Lyon finally went under the knife last week and is done for the year; Quintero is rehabbing in Triple-A; and Keppinger is day-to-day with nausea.  He ain’t the only one.

Pirates:  Infielders Alvarez (3B), Cedeno (SS), Doumit (C), Snyder (C) and Pearce (1B); pitchers Beimel, Hart, Meek and Ohlendorf; and Outfielder Tabata are all due back soon, but probably not this series.  That’s a lot of players hurt but, to be fair, they’re not used to competing this late in the year.

Giveaways and Promotions

Usually by this time of year, the Pirates have given away all their functional major leaguers.  Game #1 saw them giveaway Chuck Tanner Floppy Hats, but that’s it for the series.  The Pirates are holding onto their treasure this year.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

Rain or lack thereof Travel Heat Cocktails London Keeping his knee bent on the downswing New Trousers Sunburn Landscaping Thermostats Laptop Bags Big Fish Red Lion Car Wash

I’ll just let you ponder that for a moment…because I have something more mindblowing to tell you.

Classic Form

In that series, Hunter Pence was heckled constantly by the home fans, maintained his focus, had multiple hits in every game, went 6-14 and was arguably the key offensive weapon in the Astros’ quest for success.  The only way this happened is because the entire Blue Jays’ roster was raptured early, and replaced by underpants gnomes.

Need more proof?  How about the first win being an inexplicable come-from-behind jobbie (NTTAWWT), and the second being a lead-all-the-way-from-the-front jobbie, that was closed out with the slimmest of margins available.

Not enough?  The LAPD appear to have solved a crime.  BOOYAH!  Harold Camping was right!!  He (and most of his followers) just misjudged the number of people who would pass rapture-muster (see here).  Apparently, being Canadian was one of the tests.

Well, of course, all of the Dodgers are still with us to enjoy 6 months or so of tribulations before Hunter Pence is crowned the NL MVP and the universe is destroyed in a fiery conflagration – sparked when Hunter drops his celebratory cigar onto the gas bottle incorrectly attached to his outdoor grill (which he is using indoors).

Minute Maid Park

Monday, 7:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV
Tuesday, 7:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV
Wednesday, 1:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV

Probable Matchups

Kershaw (5-3, 3.09) vs. Norris (2-3, 3.93)

Lefty Clayton Kershaw is 2-0 with a 2.41 ERA over his last three starts, punching out 25 in the process.  I suspect this night he’ll be tucked up in bed with his “W” by about 9:30pm.  Few Astros have any history against him, but of those he has had the number of (no prizes here folks) Hall and Pence, but the good news is that Lee misses him about as often as he misses a meal.

Chub Norris has been getting better, but this always happens when I single a player out for a particular tongue-lashing (see Pence, Hunter).  Of course, “getting better” for Norris means 0-2, 5.93 over his last three starts.  He at least has a win against the Dodgers in his career, and an ERA that I shall let you look up yourself because my keyboard doesn’t have enough digits.   Current Dodgers are feast or famine against Bud (or, as this is L.A., I should say binge or emetic) – all in limited numbers – as Barajas, Carroll, Gwynn, Miles and Mitchell sport full Blutarskies while Ethier, Kemp and Loney whack him for at least .500.

Billingsley (2-4, 3.47) vs. Happ (3-5, 5.30)

Chad Billingsley is the next up in the all-fratboy-named starting crew for the Dodgers this series.  He has somehow managed to pitch better in a short stretch than any Astros pitcher has done this year, and still went 0-3.  Go ahead, look it up (and let me know if it’s true, because I didn’t).  Astro hitters have reasonable at-bat totals against him, with no one standing out as notably bad, while Pence, Hall and Barmes all have had some decent success.  If that didn’t tell you how badly snakebitten Chad is,  Towles has a hit against him that knocked in 2 RBI.

J.A. is left-handed and, apparently, has delivered three quality starts in a row.  Of course, a quality start is not any kind of measure of success, as demonstrated by a 1-1 record over that same stretch.  At least he’s starting to eat some innings.  Of Dodgers with history against Happ, only Miles has struggled.  Everyone else has feasted on him.

Lilly (3-4, 4.71) vs. A. Rodriguez (0-2, 5.72)

Lilly, Lilly, Legs...Lilly

Ted Lilly is left-handed, a former Cub, and has an annoying smugshot.  1-1 and near-5 over his last three, he apparently pulled off some heroics last time out to allow his team to stage a comeback.  He dominates those Astros who you’d expect – Bourn, Hall, Pence and Towles – while he gets whacked around by one who you wouldn’t – Johnson.  Everyone else is at-batless or meh.

Aneury gets underlined in red whenever you type his name.  That’s ok.  He also threw 5+ strong innings in the first win this year in a game started by the fifth starter in the Astros’ rotation.  Yes, you heard that right.  For once I’m not shitting you.  He’s still winless himself, though, and his ERA over his last 3 starts is higher than his ERA on the year.  He has been prone to running out of steam, but seems to have some good stuff up his sleeve before getting gassed.  He has no record against current Dodgers, but I’d rather watch him pitch than either of the other two starters this series.

Injury Report

Dodgers:  Pitchers Broxton, Hawksworth, Kuo and Padilla are all up on blocks this week (mildly NSFW); 3Bers Blake and Uribe aren’t going to be around for this series; and OFers Ethier and Thames are day-to-day and out for the month respectively.

Astros:  Arias was shut down in early May, which makes him very much like Europe; Bourgeois is scheduled to swing a bat today, although why that’s news for a baseball player is beyond me; Keppinger remains in rehab due to a front office migraine and Lyon has opted to sit on his arse instead of getting surgery.

Giveaways and Promotions

Wednesday’s day game has that 9-inning lunch break “deal” that will result in a hospital stay after gorging on fake food for the afternoon.  Other than that, you’ll have to satisfy yourself with the gift that is the Astros’ play on the field.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

Champions League Final Long Weekend Beer Boobs Sunshine Golf Cars Traffic TVs Sleep Burritos Legs How Much Netflix and Cats and ABC Pest Pool & Lawn Annoy Him.

Down = Up

The most frustrating thing about it isn’t the lack of talent.  Some exists, and there is hope for the future with some of the kids.  Plus, some of the more experienced players are carrying their weight.  But there are some players who should know better who are making very bad plays and very bad mistakes – and their mistakes compound the to-be-expected rookie mistakes – and result in shitfests the likes of which we suffered through this week.

I do not blame Brad Mills for this.  He has inherited a terminally flawed roster on a club whose owner wishes dearly to sell it, and is cutting costs in order to do so.  Mills can work with the kids, but no manner coaching ability is going to make Lee slimmer, Pence think or 4/5ths of the starting rotation any good at pitching.   3 and 9.  How did they win 3?

Into this nightmare wander the light-hitting Pet Shop Boys of San Diego.  And when I say light-hitting, I mean a near-Mendoza team BA of .214 which is the worst in the NL and only not the worst in the majors because of Tampa Bay (sorry Ty).  If the Astros are 3-9, the Friars must have a terrible record, right?  Well their 5-6 record, earned on the backs of their NL-leading pitching staff, is something for which I would give any of your left nuts/ovaries, but not mine.

Movable object, meet resistible force.

Minute Maid Park

Thursday, 7:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, DishHD-9516, Dish446 | MLB.TV
Friday, 7:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, DishHD-9516, Dish446 | MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT, FS-H HD, MLBN, DirecTV-678, DishHD-914, Dish444 | MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, Dish446 |MLB.TV

Probable Match-Ups

Moseley (0-2, 2.08) vs. Norris (0-1, 8.10)

Here comes the first of three amazing mismatches in ERA.  Moseley has pitched his bollocks off so far, and got nothing to show for it.  He doesn’t strikeout many, but he doesn’t walk many either.  Presumably he trusts his defense.  He spent most of his career in the softball league, where is record is about the same and his ERA is substantially worse, so this may be an anomaly to start the season.  Who knows?  Maybe he prefers NL SoCal to AL SoCal.   I can tell you that he has faced almost none of the Astros, but those he has – Hall and J-Mike – have had his number.

That's Headley. Eh? Oh.

Norris is really pissing me off.  He does not see the Jakes enough to make up for all his other starts where he sucks balls and puts his team in a hole.  He needs to stop nibbling, both on the mound and in the buffet line.  You’re getting smoked anyway so why not let them try to hit a non-desperation fastball and see if a member of the Astros’ defense can get in the way?  He looks after Hundley and Headley pretty well, but not so much Ludwick and Maybin.

Harang (2-0, 1.50) vs. Happ (1-1, 6.17)

Dear Lord this is one ugly motherfucker.  He’s also got the prettiest numbers of all the Padre starters we’ll see this weekend.   But…both of his starts have been in PetCo, and it remains to be seen how he fares in a slightly more confined space.  His career vs. the Astros is 11-9, but all the current Astros with Harang facetime (shudder) have done well.  Better to get a quick hit than have to stare at that disaster of a grimace, I suppose.

Happ got smoked out of the gate by the Les Rouges, but righted his ship in his second start against the Marlins – going 7.2 innings and giving up only 1 run on 4 hits in that start and more than halving his ERA in the process.  I hope/suspect that he will fare well against the Pads too, but then I suspect that I’d have a good chance of getting through their order unscathed at least once.  Not much history here, but the (relatively) better hitters have (relatively) better records against J.A.

Latos (0-1, 4.50) vs. Figueroa (0-2, 10.61)

Zero Point Zero

Mat Latos is missing some consonants from his name, but does not appear to miss many meals.  He has a bunch of stuff tattooed on his arms too, which I’m going to assume are recipes for deep-fried lard.  Last year was his 2nd in the bigs, and he was a respectable 14-10, sub-3.00 ERA.  He’s only pitched once this year, so his 4.50 ERA reflects a 6 IP, 3 ER “quality” start which he lost because his offense scored only two runs.  Against Houston, for what there is of his career so far, he is 2-0 with an ERA of 0.00.

Figueroa

Nelson’s 10.61 ERA isn’t the only ugly number in his line this year.  11 earnies on 19 hits over less than 10 innings pitched is decidedly Harangian.  Against SD, he’s allowed 5 runs in 3.2 career innings.   Typically, you don’t get a lot of meaningful stats when you’ve only faced a team for 3+ innings, and that is the case here too.  But his stats all time against SD and for this season against anyone don’t fill me with any sort of confidence.

Richard (1-0, 2.45) vs. Myers (1-0, 1.77)

Clayton Richard has two first names, or two last names, depending on whether you’re a glass half full or empty type of person.  He pitched a clean inning in his 2nd start of the year, before a lengthy rain delay resulted in his replacement in a game that ended up being delayed four times, including a suspension to the following day, and which was won when Tony Gwynn broke an 11th inning tie.  For the Dodgers.  It was Tony Gwynn Jr.  Anyhoo, his 3rd start was a much more perfunctory 7.2IP, 1ER, which the Padres still lost when the Reds went hog-wild for 6 runs in the 11th.  I see a pattern here.  He beat the Jakes to open the season, so there is that, which is handy because I can’t find any pitcher vs. batter data.

Myers

Myers maybe slowly morphing into an old-timey frontiersman, but dagnabbit!  He has the only statistical advantage in the match-ups for this entire series.  And no hornswaggling, cracker-crocker, is going to take that away from him!  It would seem unlikely that any such thing would happen this day: he is 2-1, 2.84 in his career against San Diego, the only fly in the buttermilk being that Cantu, Ludwick and Maybin all hit him for circa .500 or better averages.

Injury Report

That's Hfuhruhurr

San Diego:  LHP Thatcher is recovering from a shoulder strain; 1B Blanks is out for undisclosed reasons (not being Machiavellian here, they just don’t say); INF Hoffpauir strained his quadriceps; OF Baxter got punted to the 60-day DL (do you see what I did there?); and my eyes are killing me from looking at Harang’s mangled visage.

Houston:  INF Barmes’ left hand is still broken; C Castro’s knee is still broken; INF Keppinger’s foot is still “broken”; and RP Arias’ record is still broken.

Giveaways and Promotions

Thursday is a “Price Matters” Day, which gets you a View Deck ticket, a nose bleed, a hot dog, diarrhea, chips and a coke for $10.

Friday  has a ton of shit going on, with it being Jackie Robinson night.  And college night.  And Coca Cola Value Zone night.  And Fireworks night.  All the players will wear #42, in honor of Douglas Adams, and 7,000 of the 10,000 Jackie Robinson t-shirts will go unclaimed.

Saturday is Coca Cola Value Zone time again, which means that Andrew Jackson will get you a mezzanine ticket, a hot dog, a coke, a cap, a schmoke and a pancake.

Sunday is (yet another) CCVZ day, but also both Family Sunday and Dog Day.  So that smell isn’t, for once, the Astros play.  It’s because someone’s dog or someone’s kid has shit themselves.  There, I said it.  Also, expect Pam Gardner to be roaming the stands scaring the children.  At least there are plenty of distractions for the little ones, including Hunter Pence’s “Where the Cut-Off Man?” game.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

I know some of you think that you see signs of progress in this team, but you are just deluding yourself.

Oh, and…whale vagina.  You thought I wasn’t going to say it, didn’t you.

FTC 2
Astros 11

W: Myers (1-0) | L: Cubs.  All of them.  And their fans.

HR – Colvin (2) off Myers

Boxscore

Gamezone

I must admit that I was not looking forward to my week on SnS this week.  Not only was I going to have to watch this dysfunctional Astros team, sans manager for the night, square off against the odious Cubs, I was slated to write the next series preview.  A four-gamer.  Against the transparent Padres.  But the evening started well: I accidentally left the balance of my lunchtime salad at the restaurant, so I ordered Star Pizza instead, grabbed a brew and settled in for the game.   There was no point in being all doom and gloom; after all, this is the Cubs.  And boy did they put on a show!

Myers had a rocky start to the 1st inning, allowing two singles to put two on with one out.  Skinnyass Ramirez hit one deep but lacked the juice to get it out of the park.  Myers struck out Pena to end it and was cruising from then on.  He pitched 7 innings that were mostly drama free despite giving up 8 hits including a dinger to Colvin (who one-handed one into the RF seats).  He earned a comfortable win, and has gone at least six innings in every start so far this year…

Meanwhile, the hilarious Cubs were trying to sneak a reliever past the Astros, starting James Russell.  Aided by some comedic defensive work, notably from that fuckstick Soriano, the Astros dropped a 3-run frame on Russell despite Lee’s best efforts to kill every rally of the evening (in this case, with a swinging strikeout at a slow pitch down Broadway).  The highlight of this inning was a 2-run, 2-error, “double” by Hall, that saw Soriano boot the ball in left and Barney miss a tag on a stationary Hall (after he’d fallen over trying to reverse to 1B).  The Cubs would be charged with 3 errors on the night, but they could easily have posted double figures.

Oh, and Soriano whiffed to lead off the next inning.  Hehehehe.

The Astros struck hard and fast, scoring 3 in the 1st, 2 in the 2nd and 2 more in the 4th.  Fast was the operative word, as the speed of the Astros’ top three hitters had the Cubs in a world of panic.  Russell lasted just 1 2/3rds innings, yielding 7 hits and 5 runs (4 earned).  He was up in the zone all night, except when he was airmailing them to the backstop, and the Astros took full advantage.  His replacement, Big Bird Samardzija, fared better, but the game was long gone before he threw pitch #1, so he was just killing time.

Myers and the Astros ticked off the innings until the bottom of the 8th, when they treated the Cubs’ 5th reliever of the night (including the “starter”), John Grabow, wather wuffly.  Up to this point, a seemingly high number of the Astros’ whacks had gone into the RCF alley.  This inning, however, they treated replacement CFer Johnson to a tour of the cavernous reaches of MMPUS, with Q and Pence both sending him chasing for deep flies that he would come agonisingly close to catching…but not.  4 more runs would score, including a RBI for Lee (with a groundout, of course…he went 0-5 but did make some nice plays at 1B).

Another Rodriguez got himself into some bother in the 9th but, given the 10-run lead he had, it was really just a case of leaving him in to get it over and into the books.  2 hits, a walk and a run later, that’s where it was.

Tomorrow night, Home Wandy will try to put the rubber on Zamboner.

Notes:

Myers got a hit, scored a run and has hideous facial hair.

Fulchino pitched a solid inning, but his ridiculous barbs are still no match for Myers’.

Lee played 1B and J-Mike fielded in left.  Between them they were 1-10 with an RBI.

Of the starters, only Lee and Johnson went hitless.  CJ also posting the Astros’ error on a swirling pop-up near to the Astros’ dugout that he left for Q and Q left for reasons unexplained.

Bourn (2-5, 4 runs), Sanchez (4-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI) and Pence (3-5, 4 RBI) did most of the damage at the top of the order, although Quintero had a nice 3-3, 2-run night.  He also got the Astros’ sole walk.

Soriano went 0-4 with 2 Ks and an error.  I hate that stroker.

Marlon Byrd had a 3-3 night going before being double-switched out of the game.  His replacement went on the aforementioned outfield walkabout.  Cubs pushing all the right buttons as usual.

The recap title comes from this song of futility, that springs to mind for when the Cubs come around.

Thursday, March 10:  Nationals 5 – 6 Astros

The day began with a quick trip to the office which turned into a bit of a mess, but I got out in enough time to collect Miss Limey and head to the airport.  Not too much fuss in Houston, the flight was fine (other than having Jabba the Hut in the next seat) but Orlando is a bait ‘n’ switching motherfucker of an airport.  All seems calm as you disembark and head to the monorail to take you to your bags.  But then you reach the main terminal and find yourself in some kind of travelers purgatory where you are forced to ride endless escalators up and down, dodge all manner of brain-dead tourists (and their kids) and wait an elephant’s lifetime for your baggage.  In the end, though, the rental car was ready, didn’t suck, and carried us to the ballpark via the hotel without incident.  In deference to Miss Limey, I waited at least 15 minutes before calling a Florida driver a “twat”.

It was a cool, clear evening in Osceola County Stadium.  Miss Limey and I sated our need for a ballpark hot dog and beer – which aren’t priced as excruciatingly badly as they are in Houston – and found chuck already ensconced in his fabulous seats; front row, just off the HP Ump’s left hip.  The anthem had already been sung and the Astros took the field.

Tonight’s starter was Wandy Rodriguez, and he immediately set about being spectacularly “meh”.  4 innings, 4 hits allowed, 4 strike outs, one walk and one run given up.  The 4 punchouts might sound interesting, but they really weren’t.  There was little snap to his curve and I suspect that he had many a hitter down 2 strikes because they could not keep the pitches they’d just smoked fair.  The relief corps who followed him – Lyon, Fulchino, Wright, Wolf and Escalana were similarly underwhelming but successful (this is the Gnats, after all, and not even the full squad), except for the Dread Pirate Wright Wesley, who sucked to the tune of 4 earnies on 3 hits and 2 walks.

Wright’s bowel evacuation on the mound gave the Nationals a tie in a game where the Astros’ offense had treated their starter – Gorzelanny – roughly; knocking him out before even three innings were in the books.  His replacement – Mock – fared little better, going 1/3^rd of an inning longer and giving up 1 less run.  But don’t let that fool you; the offense was not firing on all cylinders this evening – benefitting from 3 Gnat errors.  The only thing getting consistently hit on was Miss Limey in her seat next to the on-deck circle (Chris Johnson, I’m talking about you).  Pence is somehow batting over .400 for Spring but went 0-4 with 3 Ks.  I still cannot fathom how he isn’t oh-fer his career.

The Astros’ night was saved by some defensive hilarity in the bottom of the ninth that allowed the unearned winning run to be pushed over despite some effort on the part of the Astros not to score.  This was good news as it was getting decidedly chilly and lip-reading had suggested that the managers were up for some extra innings.  We three took a nightcap at one of Orlando’s famed “there’s-one-on-every-street-corner” establishments, before calling it a day.

Friday, March 11:  Red Sox 9 – 3 Astros

A glorious spring day in Florida was the perfect set-up for a home-road, day-night double-header.  The opener brought a split-squad Red Sox to visit the split-squad Astros in Kissimmee.  CJ was spotted in civilian clothes in the crowd, and didn’t feature this afternoon despite his Dad being here with the Sox.  It has yet to be confirmed if he strained his neck muscles the previous night trying to ogle Miss Limey while simultaneously grounding out to the shortstop.

Myers started for the home team, and it’s hard to decide which is more hideous: his pitching or his facial hair.  When I say “facial”, it would be more accurate to say “cranial”.  His entire head seems blanketed in thick, red fur.  Either he is auditioning for “Castaway 2”, or is using it to shield his embarrassment at his pitching exploits.  3 in the 1^st and 2 in the 2^nd is not a good way to start an outing.  It was a hole out of which the Astros would never climb.  The offense did clock 3 runs off Boston’s Weiland, before Dot Wheeler came in and slammed the door shut.

Of other former Astros, we also saw “Hey! Hey! Het! It’s…” Matt Albers, who was effective, but the offense was really starting to look horrible by that point.  Of course, the hitting looked a lot better than the defense, which was auditioning for “Major League 4:  Can We Go Any Lower Than The Minors?”.  Pop-ups and fly balls were hitting the ground at an alarming rate – specifically and ironically when Urckfitz was on the mound.  Only Willie Lopez appeared to have any idea what he was doing out there.

One point of note:  Jonathan Meyer has an arm for which the terms “cannon” or “laser” do not do justice.  He took low grounder about a step-and-a-half behind the bag at 3^rd, made the transfer, planted and fired a comet across to 1B – nipping the speedy runner by half a step.  The throw never got above head height, never dropped below shoulder height.  Comparisons to Caminiti abounded.

One other point of note:  a stadium-full of Red Sox fans – there to cheer on their own team – is less obnoxious than two random Yankee fans there to see the wrong Matsui.

Friday, March 11:  Astros 7 – 6 Nationals

Speaking of errors, Miss Limey and I conspired to leave the night game tickets at our hotel.  We had to backtrack to get those before hacking across country to get to Viera for the nightcap.  Florida’s freeway system seems to be a bizarre combination of roman-straight roads with interchanges so swirly that Chuck Yaeger would throw up while navigating one.  Add to that the glacial pace of Florida drivers and the randomness of visiting tourists, and it’s a rage-inducing effort to move around the State.  Credit where credit’s due: when it comes to separating Sun Pass holders from cash payers on the toll roads, they have their shit together.

The Nationals’ “Space City” stadium is a quaint little place, despite being noticeably newer than Osceola.  The food is a darn sight better too (the “Strasbourg” BBQ bacon cheeseburger was a particular hit – which meant they’d sold out before I got one).  Other attractions included some pre-game fireworks, that were some distance away but managed to hit us with a compression wave that was quite impressive, and post-game fireworks of the normal “ooooh…aaaaah” variety.  In between, NASA launched that mysterious Delta IV rocket that was in the news, which was incredible to watch – even to the point of being able to see the SRBs detach and fall back to Earth.

The Astros started Pendleton, and he posted the only clean outing by a “starter” of the weekend, albeit only over2 innings.  Dotel Villar pitched two strong innings behind him, with all the drama of tea and cakes at Grandma’s.  The rest of the relievers did ok, until Carrillo came in for the 9^th, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

The offense was facing Livan Hernandez, who is still sporting his winter blubber.  He did punch out 4, but over 3 innings the Astros cracked 7 hits and 3 runs.  “Levo’s” change was doing the damage, but his other stuff was not sharp.  As an aside, this game was the first occurrence of unfortunate seating luck – being right in front of Mr. Home-Team-Knowitall-Loud-Monotone Guy.

Bourgeois and Barmes (pronounced “Bar-mez”) had good days at the top of the order.  Wallace had some very solid hits and – of the “on paper” starters, looks to be the sharpest.  Pence had 2 hits and didn’t look horrendous in the outfield.  CJ went 2-4, undistracted this night as Miss Limey was wrapped up like an Eskimo against the 40-something degree temperatures during the later innings.

The Astros were cruising to victory – and we were ready to get back to the car to turn the heater on – taking a 7-3 lead into the bottom of the 9^th.  Carrillo took the ball, and dispatched the first 2 (I think) hitters with seeming ease.  Then a combination of wild pitching, hit batters, errors in the field and big hits had the Gnats poised with the tying run on 3^rd and the winning run on 1^st.  I can’t remember how he ended the inning, as my hands were covering my eyes.  But it ended 7-6.

Saturday, March 12:  Orioles 6 – 4 Astros

Another glorious afternoon in Kissimmee saw us joined by Ty in up from Tampa.  We convened at a Kissimmee restaurant for a pre-game lunch that was as surprisingly good as it was cheap.  We were also going to be visited by chuck’s stalker this day, but more on that later.  For now, we were happy to be in our seats, beer in hand and J.A. Happ on the mound.  That was, until we saw our third starter in a row have a 3-run pant-filler.

Happ pitched 4 innings, but the damage was done in the 2^nd as he got slapped around by the visitors, with Harris, Fox and Snyder doing all the damage.  At some point in this game, Fox smoked a line drive into the left field box seats that looked life-threatening and had the crowd waving furiously for the medicos.  After a long delay, the game was restored, but we heard later that a lady had been cracked in the eye and her husband had feinted at the sight.  No idea how that ended.

The Astros were stymied until the 8^th.  Lee was (again) DHing and looking bad at the plate.  Swinging at balls and taking strikes.  Bourn doesn’t seem to be interested in running out grounders, and it’s hard to see where runs are going to come from this year.  However, the home 9 jumped on some inopportune defense by the Orioles, and suddenly made the game 5-4  after 8.  But, once the Orioles tagged on an insurance run off Carpenter in the 9^th, the Astros’ goose was cooked.  6-4 is how it ended.

After the game, we all agreed that Miss Limey’s idea of getting some crawfish was a very, very good one.  How do you find crawfish in central Florida?  There’s an app for that.  As it turned out, the Google search pointed us to King Cajun, in the Vietnamese section of downtown Orlando.  The crawfish was good, spoiled only by the appearance of chuck’s stalker who invited herself, lectured us on any topic that was raised, explained how the sudden increase in phosphate levels in her pool are some portent of the coming socialist apocalypse (and not at all to do with the over-zealous spring feeding of her lawn by her yard service), ate, drank and didn’t pay.  She’s a piece of work.  After some sad (and one happy) goodbyes, Miss Limey and I found a couple of cool spots in downtown Orlando to hang out for a few hours.  It’s actually a quite decent and notably less trashy part of the State.

Sunday, March 13:  Astros 1 – 7 Braves

It is impossible to explain how ugly this was.  The box score doesn’t do it justice, mostly because the ugliness wasn’t limited to the play on the field.  The Disney-ESPN-Wide World of Fat Ass-This is supposed to be Spring Training for Fuck’s Sake-Stadium in Orlando Kissimmee is actually a pretty decent facility.  A bit of shade would help, but we had great seats right behind home plate, two rows behind the scouts, one row in front of Mr. Home-Team-Knowitall-Loud-Monotone Guy and directly under the stunt pilot who spent an hour writing and re-writing “Jesus Loves You” in the sky.

It is the Braves, however, so the ignorance and trash factors are ramped way, way up.  Along with the prices (more expensive and shittier than Aramark is no way to run a food concession, son).  The fans even booed the Astros as they were announced.  Classy!  Slacker Jones got a big cheer and everyone looked confused when the word “manager” wasn’t followed by the words “Bobby” and “Cox”.  The over-the-top Disneyfication of this place is beyond words.

Bud Norris started for the Astros, gave up 5 runs in 3 innings, including two dingers – one of which was to Chipper.  Oh joy.  Norris wasn’t helped by a Lee boot on a routine grounder to LF, but all his runs were earned so it’s not like he was the victim here.  The balance of the pitching was decent, but the Braves had the Astros’ hitters in a vice – the only highlights being a pointless Nash solo swat in the 9^th, and the Braves’ infield conspiring to let a towering pop-up hit the ground somewhere between home plate and the mound.

With a flight to catch and an overpowering need to flee this scene, Miss Limey and I bailed on the game – and poor chuck who’d rather have been at the other game in Lakeland – in the middle of the 8^th.  There was no telling how high the dumbfuckery would’ve been piled trying to exit the stadium and the Disney complex had we waited until the final out.  We had time – as it turns out – because Continental is rapidly being absorbed into the giant steaming load of horse shit that is United Airlines.  However, the salad bar at the airport’s Ruby Tuesday concession was a welcome relief from ballpark food.

In Summary

These guys are shitty.

You can't dust for vomit

The Astros are taking a slow boat from Pittsburgh, where they tripped over more dicks than a clown at an orgy, to Cincinnati for the last road series of the season starting Tuesday evening.  Perfect timing.  The Reds magic number to secure the Central title from the Jakes is 1.  ONE!  Which means, barring some freakish results, we will get to watch the Reds celebrate on our asses.  Oh joy.

Our only salvation is for the Jakes to lose today, to the Pirates, who are starting 2-11, 8.11 Charlie Morton.  Shitfuck.  Well, if it’s going to happen, let’s make sure it’s because of a Co-ards loss, not a Reds win.  Yes, lets at least do that.

Of course, the Astros are coming off a couple of series against teams long buried in the standings, but against whom they went 2-5.  The bats have become muted and the bullpen has become suddenly inflammatory.  That means that the Chase for .500 is over, with the maximum possible number of wins now standing at 80.  That also means that the Jakes’ magic number to secure 2nd place from the Astros is 1.  It’s all really winding down folks, and in a couple of games there’ll be nothing left to do except point and laugh at the CubFans who show up to the home finale.

Great American Ballpark

This section of the review, like the preamble, deserves a puking gif.  What a horror story this place is: smoke stacks, hideous colours and runny beef ‘n’ pasta stew.  And no Berkman on hand to rip it a new one.  Oh well…

Tuesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Wednesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Thursday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (11-12, 3.67) vs. Volquez (4-3, 4.45)

Wandy has two shots left at squaring his W/L this season, unless he loses tonoght in which case he’s fucked on that front.  He’s had a great run after stumbling out of the blocks, most likely because he slipped on all the turds that were being dropped by his teammates like carpet bombs.   He hasn’t got a decision, one way or another, in his last 3 starts, probably because the bully has been pretty shitty.  Against the Reds in his career, he’s 7-7, 4.22 which has been earned by keeping Bruce, Phillips and Rolen quiet while simultaneously getting pounded by everyone else.

Edinson Volquez

Edinson Volquez.  We’ve seen enough of this crazy motherfucker to last a lifetime.  He just posted a career high 8-inning win to go with the fact that he’s smoked the Astros to the tune of 4-0, 0.98.  If Wandy gets an ND tonight, he’s pitched his bottom off.   That 0.98 ERA against the Astros is, of course, earned against the old Astros, which I’m not going to detail here as it would make pixies cry.  However, the Youthnami is free of such nightmare memories, and J-Mike is our superhero, sporting a .667 BA against Edinson.

Figueroa (3-3, 3.98) vs. Jonny Cueto (12-6, 3.73)

Nelson has lost his way lately as a starter…or is simply reverting to the mean for him, which isn’t good.  0-2 with a 7.20 ERA over his last 3 starts means that he’s needed no help from the bullpen to soil the mound recently.  He’s been getting steadily worse for a while now.  Against the Reds lifetime, he’s 1-1, 4.44, but those numbers are drawn from the annals of time because he has no record against the current Dickitie hitters.  This will be his last start of the season.

Johnny Cueto has a name that belongs in the movies, where the character would be played by Keanu Reeves, save the world and get the girl.  In reality, Cueto’s heroism for the Reds has earned him a 12-6 record and a middling ERA of 3.73.  He got tonked last time out for 8 runs in 1 1/3rd, but he blamed that on a hitch he saw on video.  Maybe he’ll be played by Will Smith.  Anyway, his history against Houston has been somewhat of a tragedy, 1-4, but with his nemesis shipped off to the AL East, and Bourn out of action, he may be getting ready for a 3rd act recovery.

Myers (14-7, 2.89) vs. TBA

Brett Myers

By the time we get to this game, I suspect that the only notable event remaining for the Astros will be to see if Myers can…you know…do the thing with the thing.  He hasn’t showed any signed of slowing down, posting 3 wins in his last 3 starts, an ERA of 2.70 and going at least six innings in each…Against the Reds he’s a very symmetrical 3-2, 3.23 but will need to be careful with Cairo and Hernandez if he wants to stay on target.  Meanwhile, someone needs to be ready with a tranquiliser gun in the event that Arnsberg reaches for the dugout phone.

As and when TBA is announced, and if I have the time, I’ll post it here.  I suspect that it’ll be some scrub because it’ll be a major surprise if the Reds haven’t clinched before this game.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias is throwing again and Moehler had groinical surgery a few weeks ago.  Bourn is listed as day-to-day with an oblique strain, but it’s a virtual certainty that he won’t play again this year.  It still hurts me to watch Pence bat.

Reds:  Former Astro Russ Springer is done for the year with chronic unhipness; Lincoln (P) is also done for the year; Bruce (RF) and Nix (LF) are both day-to-day and, if there’s any sense in the Reds organisation, won’t be rushed back before the playoffs.  That preening, showboating, fat-lipped, fat-headed waste of oxygen known as Jim Edmonds is feigning injury so that he can skip the NLDS, get back on the roster for the NLCS, and strike out with the bases loaded and the series on the line.  I hate him.

Giveways and Promotions

According to their website, there’s nothing.  According to the standings, the fans will be treated to a division championship.  Given my druthers, I’d take the latter.

What’s on Limey’s Mind?

Beer and music.  I tried Hacker Pschorr last night.  Umm…no thanks.  Unless the Gingerman uses jalapeño detergent in their glass washer, I’m at a loss to decide where that taste comes from.  Sorry HH.  I also tried Pilsner Urquell and Real Ale’s Octoberfest, both of which I enjoyed.

Meanwhile, the Austin City Limits festival is fast approaching.  I saw that Cage the Elephant were added to the roster, so that’s good.  But there’s still some holes and some repeats which I’m hoping will get fixed in a good way.  Michael Franti’s in Houston this weekend – surely he can be persuaded to swing by Austin?  Just give him a better stage than last time – he’s on a beer commercial for fuck’s sake!  I will be there, as will a few TZ regulars I know, so I hope to catch up with some or all of you while there.  Oh, and not a drop of rain in the forecast!  No slopping through chocolate pudding this year!

Sayonara

The lights are going out all over Houston.  Mine will be the latest switch flipped to off during the trudge to October, as this is my last preview of the year.  One advantage of writing the occasional preview is that it forces one’s attention onto the Astros during a season when it was easy to drift along, not wanting to look because it was typically unpleasant to do so.  The kids brightened up August and September, and that means that I’m going to be fired up and focused when Spring rolls around.

Fuck the Cubs
Fuck the Jakes
Fuck the Yankees
Fuck Brighton & Hove Albion

and

Fuck the Cowboys!

Cubs Suck

The Cubs, meanwhile, are having the opposite season to the Astros…again.  Starting strong, they descended into their customary madness by the ASB.  Their manager quit; some of their better players got injured and/or traded; and they routinely give up double-digit scores – including a 17 and two 18s, the most recent of which was yesterday to the Mets.  The METS! (Courtesy of a bullpen meltdown, lead, of course, by Ryan Dumpster).

Against this backdrop, the Astros roll into town for a 3-game set.  Houston, winners of 2 out of 3 from the suddenly red-hot Diamondbacks, and winners of 7 of their last 10, which encapsulates (partly) a home sweep of the Jakes, pretty much applying the coup de grâce to their division challenge, and a 4-game sweep of the defending NL Champs in their own yard.  Meanwhile, the Cubs are 6-4 lately, mostly due to a pre-blended diet of Pirates, Mets and Nationals.

Wriggly Field

Monday, Sept 6, 1:20pm CST, FSH HD, WGN
Tuesday, Sept 7, 7:05pm CST, FSH HD, CSN
Wednesday, Sept 8, 7:05pm CST, FSH HD, CSN

Probable Pitching Match-Ups

Game #1:  Rodriguez (11-12, 3.71) vs Coleman (1-1, 5.76)

Wandy gets the ball in the series opener, an afternoon event that doesn’t necessarily mean that the idiots in the bleachers won’t be already wasted and punchy.  2-1 of late, with a fabulous ERA of 1.35, the lefty has avoided his typical exaggerated home-road split this year.  For proof, look no further than a record of 8-2 over his last 13 starts, home and road.  For his career, he’s 5-4 in 15 starts against the Schlubs, sporting an ERA of 3.meh.  He handles Fukudome well and only Errormiss really does any damage, still only at a paltry .241 clip (no dingers).

Rookie righty Casey Coleman has 7 big league appearances to his name, 3 of which are starts.  Both his decisions came as a starter, with a loss to the Padres followed up by a win against the Gnats with a 6.1, 3-hit, 1 run effort.  He doesn’t walk many, but doesn’t strike out many either (Mr. Coleman, say hello to Mr. Pence), and is prone, therefore to throw a lot of pitches, relative to his innings pitched.  Obviously, there’s no history in the bigs with him and the Astros.

Game #2: Figueroa (2-1, 2.36) vs. Silva (10-5, 3.92)

Nelson is having some success as a starter for the Astros, which is ahead of where he’s been when tried in the role in the past.  1-1, 1.96 in 4 starts, never failing to deliver at least 5 innings.  Not bad for an emergency starter.  Career-wise against the Cubs, he’s an unfortunate 1-5, 4.52.  Most Cubs have hit him reasonably well, but the only standouts are in small samples, probably when he was pitching as a reliever.

Big right-hander Carlos Silva has a head the size of a prize watermelon, and last pitched on August 1 when he came out of the game due to an abnormal heart rate.  He has since undergone a procedure to correct the issue.  Presumably liposuction.  His last 3 starts, including the fateful one, saw a 1-2, 11.37 picture of Cubness.  Career against Houston he’s 3-1, 4.63, but that was against the old-look Astros.  The Youthnami have yet to have a go at Silva.

Game #3: Myers (10-7, 3.02) vs. Wells (6-12, 4.56)

Team MVP Myers latest 6-inning effort set a new franchise record for outings of at least 6 innings in 28 straight starts to open a season.  He’s been cruising of late, but this last start was a battle against the Snakes that would be decided – the wrong way in the end – by a sac fly in the bottom of the 8th.  That ND meant that Brett is 2-0 over his last 3 starts, with very handy 2.25 ERA.  Against Chicago, he’s a pretty 9-3, 2.38 in which it looks like Errormiss does most of the damage.

Randy Wells is right-handed and all-Cub.  Just look at those season numbers!  He struggles out of the gate, and has given up 21 1st-inning runs in 28 starts this year.  However, earlier this year against the Astros, he survived the first inning, only for Lee to drop a 2-run soupbone, and the loss, on him in the 6th inning (after a Berkman walk and Beaker double).  Despite that, he’s 2-2, 2.56 against Houston, helped by keeping Keppinger, Lee and Pence quiet, despite the fact that Bourn and Blum destroy him.

Giveaways and Promotions

Bag for Douches

Monday: For anyone in an Astros shirt unfortunate enough to be in the Bleachers, a free knuckle sandwich.
Tuesday: Firefighter Appreciation Night which, hopefully for them, involves a different kind of suck.
Wednesday:  A toiletry bag that will save having to take those annoying trips to the toilet.

Injury Report

Houston:  Arias and Moehler continue to be out for the season; Paulino is due to pitch a simulated game on Wednesday and expected back shortly thereafter.

Chicago: Pitchers Grabow and Guzman have had or are about to have season-ending surgery; pitcher Gorvelanny is day-to-day with a fractured pinky finger – I shit you not; and pitcher Caridad is rehabbing in Triple-A but won’t be allowed back until 9/17 (for which he is eternally grateful).

What’s on Limey’s Mind

22 games left.  Why?  Much like an awesome blowjob, just when it’s getting good it’s over too quickly.  So, to make it last longer, here’s some baseball stats: 17-5.  That’s what the Astros need to get all the way back to .500.  It’s a big ask.  Or is it?

In essence, it means this: win every series until the end of the year.

Doable?  It’s not completely crazy to think it can be done.  The remaining schedule, after this tryst in Chicago, looks like this:

vs. Dodgers, .504 (4 games)
vs. Brewers, .463
vs. Reds, .581
@ Nationals, .431
@ Pirates, .331
@ Reds, .581

The Dodgers are going backwards, as are the Brewers, the ‘Roots and the Gnats are crap, so only the Reds pose a major threat.  But the Reds are beatable, and any slip-ups can be offset by trouncing those perennial divisional foundation slabs in Pittsburgh and Washington.  And all this can start with a traditional Labor Day weekend slapdown of the hilarious Cubs.

So, there we have it.  Alkie will peel one off for every win.  The 17th win gets a surprise.

He was standing at the rock
Gathering the flock
And getting there with no directions
And underneath the arch
It turned into a march
And there he found the spark to
Set this fucker off!

But that doesn’t tell the whole story.  Since the All-Star Break, which conveniently coincided with the installation of Glarin’ Jeff Bagwell as the Astros’ hitting coach, these two teams have enjoyed very different fortunes.  The Astros have had something of a revolution, and are near the top in the majors in most offensive categories except nose hair (that all being cleaned up in advance of the WAGS Gala).  In the NL, they are second only to STL in average, second only to the hilarious Cubs in runs scored, and 4th behind the Jakes, Phils and Brewers in OBP.  You will notice that slugging goes unmentioned in that list, and well it should.  This team has been stringing together hits, to good effect, but very few are of the extra-base variety.

It remains to be seen how much of this turnaround is due to the hitting coach, and how much due to the changes in player personnel.  As these things often are, I suspect is a bit of both.  I’m sure that Bagwell is instilling a better understanding of situational hitting and, as Lee remains the only legitimate slugger in the team (because Pence isn’t a legitimate anything), these guys better get a walk or a hit because failure to do so will result in a glare that SPF500 couldn’t deflect.

The Mets, meanwhile, post-ASB, are dead last in average, runs, hits and OBP amongst all major league teams and even the Pirates.  Only the Mariners soggy bats save them from a clean sweep including slugging.  Yet they are 1 game under .500 compared to the Astros’ sad tally of 14 games under.  How can this be?  Du-uh…pitching.  They have a team ERA of 3.70 compared to Houston’s 4.38.  That may not look like a big difference, but they score an average of 4 runs a game which is +0.30 runs, while the Astros score an average 4 runs a game for -0.38.

The good news for this week is that these teams are moving in very different directions.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 16, 7:05pm CDT, FS-H HD & MLB.TV
Rinse and repeat Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday

Yes folks, the dreaded wraparound series.

Probable Pitching Match-Ups

Monday: Jon Niese (7-5, 3.50) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (9-11, 4.18)

Right out of the gate, we get the poster match-up for these two teams.  A bit of lefty-on-lefty action to boot (NTTAWWT).  These two pitchers’ seasons records mirror their teams’, not just overall, but in current performance.  Niese is 0-1 over his last 3 starts with an ERA creeping up towards 4.  On the Mets, that’ll mean you’re going to get an ND at best.  Lifetime against Houston he’s 1-0, 1.29, but that was against last month’s Astros, not this month’s, against whom he has very little experience.

Conversely, Rodriguez has been much improved of late.  His last 3 starts are a very creditable 1-0, 0.83 [insert obligatory Pirates caveat here].  However, looking further back, Wandy’s record is a very impressive 6-1, 1.79 over his last 9 starts.  That can’t all have been against the Pirates (but I’m not going to risk looking it up).  He’s 2-2, 3.68 lifetime against the Mets, which is interesting considering that they all smoke him with alarming regularity.

Tuesday: Johan Santana (10-6, 2.89) vs. Nelson Figueroa (1-0, 3.18)

Sanatana’s no fool.  To get a win on this club, you have to blank the opposition, and then tighten up the ol’ Depenz while watching the pen close it out.  He got knocked around a bit by ATL and STL recently, but otherwise he’s been miserly with the runs and is currently on a 16+ inning scoreless streak.  He’s 2-1 lifetime against the Astros.  Bourn hits him well and Sanchez kills him (natch), so there should be plenty of traffic for Pence, Lee and Feliz who are…fuck.

Nelson’s last name, despite being 8 letters long, is worth fuck-all in Scrabble.  But that’s not important.  Spot-starting for the first time for his new team, he’s not a complete stranger to the role, being 11-24, 4.39.  I said he’s not a stranger to it, I didn’t say he was any good at it.  He’s done very little in his career that has involved the Mets, except giving up a couple of hits to Blanco and Francoeur.  I think we can assume that this one will be a pure bonus if the home nine pull it out.

Wednesday: R.A Dickey (8-5, 2.43) vs. Brett Myers (8-7, 3.13)

I like how the match-ups have fallen this series.  Poor Nelson gets thrown to the wolves Tuesday, but Monday’s and Wednesday’s starters are evenly…umm…pitched.  In this game, the Mets throw Dickey who is keeping up his end of the bargain, going 1-1, 3.00 over his last 3.  Other than the fact that his profile pic has a touch of the “derp” about it, there’s really little else to say.  He’s got no history against the Astros, well, 1K, but I don’t know what that was (so I’m going to say Pence).

The Six Inning Man Myers continues to truck along.  Even though his record in the recent past isn’t great, 0-1, 3.32 over his last 3, he still maintains his streak of pitching at least six innings in every start this year.  Throwing a wider net, he’s 3-1, 2.22 over his last 8.  He’s 9-6 for his career vs. the Mets, despite an ERA over 5.  Ouch!  Moley hits him the best, but that’s only to a level just over .250.  It must’ve been some other Mets who ran up his ERA because I’m just not seeing the threat here.

Thursday: TBA (TBA, TBA) vs. Bud Norris (5-7, 5.42)

A rose between two thorns

Until the the visitors decide to Mets or get off the pot, we won’t know who will start Thursday’s finale.  So I’ll take the opportunity to post a photo of Bud Norris’ date for the WAGS Gala.  Yowza!  No wonder that goofy-looking bastard is grinning.

Norris’ girlfriend may be giving it up for him, but he’s been giving it up for everyone else; on the baseball field at least.  He got a career high in strikeouts Sunday, but he was pitching against a team that could be beaten by the Houston TZ Softball team, which doesn’t always have enough players.  He is 2-0 for his last 3, but considering Sunday’s laffer, an ERA pushing 5 in that same stretch isn’t getting it done.  Against the Mets, he’s in virgin territory, unlike [Deleted…Editor].

Giveaways and Promotions

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday.  And that’s all she wrote.  To be honest, I can see the logic here.  There’s no point in giving away anything nice here, because some homeless MetFan will just shiv you for it in the toilet.

Injury Report

Mets:   Pitchers Escobar, Green and Maine are all in various states of disrepair;  Catcher Barajas is banging homers in rehab; Bay still thinks he’s Batman, but may snap out of it soon; first-sackers Murphy and Tatis are in bad shape, the latter maybe permanently.

Astros:   Arias and Paulino aren’t going to be in action again this year; they tried to get Moehler back, but he’s going for Alkie’s record of groin pulling for the team; Manzella is still shown on the DL on the typically tardy official Astros’ site, so he must be getting close.  I’d hurry up if I were him.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

Other than Norris’ girlfriend?  MetFans.  I work in an office of 11 people…in Houston…and there’s two of the fuckers.  I swear we only hired one, but then he divided and now there’s two.  And I’m going to Monday’s game with one.

Attention lawyers: what’s Texas’ laws like relating to fratricide?