The defending World Series champs make their first trip to Minute Maid this year, with a bit of a different look than last season when they doubled up on the Astros with a record of 10 wins and 5 losses. First of all, they no longer have a hole of poo……Mr. Lidgelighter has made the move to the AL and went from being second place to the Almighty down to a mere plebian. In fact, Mr. Pooh of the Hole is currently without a HR and has only 5 RBI……one month into the 2012 season. Let’s revel in this just a minute or two: Pujols’ .202 BA would rank him 14th on the Astros, just above Bud Norris. His OBP of .245 would secure the 13th spot in the Astros order, while his 5 RBI places him at 11th, just behind Downs. I don’t know about the rest of you, but there is just a little bit of glee that that infamous smirk has been bitch-slapped off his face. But I digress…..on to tonight’s game.

Friday, May 4, 7:05 p.m.
Lohse vs Harrell

Lohse had two strong outings against the Astros last year, allowing only 1 run on 10 hits in two starts (15 innings). Lee has faced him 77 times, with relative success, 5 HR and a .300 BA. No other Astro has more than 20 AB against Lohse. He became the NL’s second four game winner of the season in his last start, despite giving up a season high 3 runs in 6 innings, and raising his ERA to a whopping 1.62 for the young season. (sarc-meter working, Mr. Happy?)

Harrell is a relative unknown to the Cards lineup. He faced them in a relief outing last year, throwing a three up, three down inning. His last outing was nothing to write home about, allowing six runs (five earned), one walk and nine hits in six innings while striking out only one on Saturday.

Injuries

Schafer (back) is probable for this series, while Escalona, Cruz and Weiland continue to occupy the DL, along with Berkman, Carpenter and Linebrink. Beltran is doubtful for tonight.

As the last season in the NL commences, I am just PO’d at the thought that all the years and emotions I have invested in dislike, disdain, even utter contempt of several NL teams will be pissed away with the switch to the League That Must Not Be Named.  I like disliking the Braves.  I revel in replaying the anger over in my mind of years of playoff disapppointments at the likes of Maddoxand Glavine, not to mention fucking WW.  Or damn Javy Lopez setting up so far outside the box that Rosanne Barr could have sat her fat ass between his glove and the plate. That is what fandom is made of, not just the highs of victories, but the agonies of defeat–like celebrating your wedding anniversary and then get handed divorce papers.

Some have tried to tell me that I will have the same feelings in a few years about American League teams, but I disagree.  With the state of the team as is, it will be many years (in my opinion) before the team will be constantly competitive for playoff spots, and those rivalries will fester and come to a head…..and I will have true and utter disdain for the Angels, A’s, and Mariners.  (No worries about the Rangers, Yanks and BeanEaters, though, they got it covered already).

Monday, April 9, 7:05 p.m.  Beachy vs Happ

Yeah, this game is over, in the books, finis.  Astros won.  Root. Root. Root.

Tuesday, April 10,  7:05 p.m. Hanson vs Weiland

 Weiland and his mates will don the 1962 Gun-Toting, Rabble-Rousin’ unis against the Braves, can someone say, Cowboys and Indians??  Hanson is 3-0 vs the Astros with a sub 1.00 ERA.  Of course, he has not faced most of this pimply faced lineup.  Downs (.400) and Lee (.385) are the only ones with a decent BA in a handful of ABs against him.  Weiland…well, he is an Atlanta virgin, ripe for cherry pickin’ on this game.  Bourn returns to his hometown for the first time this season, and may be joined by Chipper who is expected to come off the DL for this game.

Wednesday, April 11, 7:05 p.m. Delgado vs  Rodriguez

Delgado has never faced the Astros.  That should be enough said about this game.  Wandy though has held current Braves to a .284 average, thanks to a 1-11 (.091) by McCann and a 3 for 20 (.150) by Uggla.  Rodriguez did not allow an earned run in 6 1/3 innings on Opening Day vs. Rockies.  He will have to repeat this feat if the Astro bats revert to their usual showing against a newbie.

Early Season M*A*S*H report:

Ploys to get AIS

Monday:

Who cares?  Some dumbbutt didn’t get the preview in on time.

Tuesday:

This is just the first go-round of 50th Anniversary hoorahs for the team, so I thought I’d start out the season with a review of some of the former songs associated with the team.  So sit back, turn up the volume and sing along…..or not….

For our Spanish speaking readers:

Screw Larussa.
Screw Pooholes.
Screw Berkman.**

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.***

OK, more plagarism.  But how can you say it better?

Wandy gets the start versus Garcia who is 0-3 with a 5.91 ERA against the Astros.  Now Garcia has something to prove, hasn’t lost since late August, and Wandy, well, as 11-11 shows you, has just been fair to middlin’ most of the season, despite success against the Cards this year.  I hate to say it, but this just feels like a loss.

Westbrook faces Sosa in the penultimate game of the season.  For you Fredia types out there, that big word means next to last. The self-named Jake is 1-1 in his last two starts, and has had a pretty decent season, but I am the Walrus has his number, sporting a hefty man-sized thunderthighs .800 average against him.  Sosa has never had the pleasure of sticking it to the redbirds; I am hoping he stomps the ever-livin shit outta them until they are lying on the concrete suffering from extreme rigor(haven’t I seen that somewhere before??).

Carpenter faces Myers for the season finale.  Personally, I would rather see the two in a barbed wire cage death match.  I would definitely put my Benjamins on Myers.  As far as a baseball game goes, I hate to say it, but I think Carpenter leaves it all on the mound and pulls out the win.

Injuries

Co-ards–Lynn and Wainwright.  LaRussa ripped them a new one and sent them out for the season a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…..

Astros–Get with the  program.  If you don’t know Arias, Escalona, Michaels, Norris, Castro and Lyon are done this year, then screw you, where have you been?

Stuff.  Or not.

Fan appreciation day was yesterday, so you have to settle for nothing on Star Wars Night (WTF??–they should at least give out golden metal bikinis to the hot chicks and make them wear them to the game.  That might put a few AIS).  Or the next day. But you get a team poster if you show up on Wednesday. 

Random stuff

I want to express my appreciation to the new guys on the block who did such a great job this year.  Ebby and OSF, you saved my ass on more than one occassion.  RB, your recaps exposed us to a side we didn’t know you had, dadgumit, you can write!  And how do those regulars keep putting out previews and recaps  that make us laugh, cry, love, hate, and ponder from series to series and game to game? And to every poster–  this multifarious group  from 94CougarGrad to ybbodeus–kept us sane during an insane season.  Thanks to each and every one of you.  We will see you again tomorrow.  Same bat time, same bat channel………

And just in case you need an extra dose of Turdinal hate….

Screw Larussa.

Screw Pooholes.

Screw Berkman.

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.

**J. C. III’s Best Post Ever.

***Don’t get on Mr. Happy’s bad side.

Apologies for the Blatant Field of Dreams regurgitation.

The Cards share the division lead with the Brewers and the Pirates going into this series.  Yes, the Pirates.  The midsummer classic is long gone, and the Buckos are still hanging in there.  I hope they make the Buffoonest Fans in Baseball cry in their Bottles Filled in Busch (artistic license here) come this October as they head for the playoffs….but enough about the Pirates….. 

Monday, July 25, 7:15 p.m. Central          Happ vs McClellan 

McClellan hasn’t won a game since way back in May, against the ‘Stros, and I for one would like to keep it that way.  

Ol' Googly Eyes Strikes Again!

Ol’ Googly Eyes has him in his sights to make up for the epic fail in extras yesterday–FOTF is 8-16 against McClellan with only one K.  If that little factoid don’t make you blink, I don’t know what will. Q is 3-6 and Barmes is 2-5 against Kyle, but everyone else just sorta shits and misses against him.  Happ has been nothing but consistent lately….consistenly giving up 5 earned runs in his past four starts.  Six Cards bat .333 or greater vs Happ, and none of them are named after Uranus.  

Tuesday, July 26, 7:15 Central        Myers vs Westbrook    

The circle is now complete.  Myers has successfully recreated the transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in one offseason.  The Fink has only 4 hits against him, but 2 were of the longball variety.  Doc Holliday, the Shoemaker and the Hole of Poo all hit in the mid .300s,  with a total of 7 HRs against him.  Westbrook was doomed to be a Jake from birth, thanks to his momma.  A couple of the hometown nine put up some gaudy numbers against him: Lee is 15 for 36 (.417), Pence is 5 for 8 (.625) and Wally is 5 for 7 (714).  Bet Mills gives them all the night off….. 

We take this time for a commercial break for our sponsor……….If you have a newborn, are pregnant or ever plan to conceive a little Astros fan, have we got the onesie for you……..

Show your dedication to passing down the hate from generation to generation in 4, count them FOUR beautiful colors, sure to look great on your little bundle of joy…Remember it is NEVER to early to instill your baseball values in your offspring!! 

And now, back to our regularly scheduled preview…… 

Wednesday, July 27, 7:15 p.m. Central          Norris vs Carpenter 

Y’know, if my mom named me David Stefan, I’d go by Bud, too…or Bubba…or maybe even  Bonzo.  Whatever you call him, Norris has had particular success against the Redbirds, posting a 6-2 record with a 2.45 ERA and 47 Ks in 58.2 innings pitched.  He draws Carpenter Ants who seems to only allow hits to Astros that go by letters of the alphabet (CJ and Q).  Somebody grab a can of Raid… 

Thursday, July 28, 7:15 p.m.  Central          Rodriguez vs Garcia 

 A dead Cardinal in the hand is worth four games in the Busch?  This one could be a game of hide and not be found.  Garcia has never won against the Astros, having an 0-2 record with a sporting 5.87 ERA.  Wandy, well, he sucks too (5-11, 4.02 ERA).  But someone has to win and if it gets to the bullpen, we have a pretty good idea how that will flush out.  

Injuries, Sminjuries 

Abad, Arias, Lyon, Castro.  ‘Nuff said. 

Wainwright hurt his elbow perfecting the doggie style with LaRussa and is out for the year.  Craig (knee), Tallet (intercostal waterway and kidney beans) and Sanchez (shoulder) fell for LaRussa’s Twister Game of Douchebaggery and aren’t expected back for this series. 

Promotions and Giveaways 

None 

Nada 

Nunca 

Nil 

So, I decided to make up for their shortcomings and give you the BFiB….Best Fakes in Baseball that is….

Just for shits and giggles…..

What does BFiB mean to you?

Another home game that will be more like a roadie for the ‘Stros, there will surely be louder cheers for the visitors, and more Red Sox paraphernalia branded across bald heads and beer bellies than pairs of stilletos at a stripper convention.  And those Sawks fans have their own special brand of suckitude now that they have no Bambino curse to ruminate and then regurgitate with great pleasure.  A piece of their being has been lost, what makes them special now?  Ben Affleck?  Big PortaPapi? Memories of ketchup stained socks?

Friday, July 1,  Norris vs Wakefield  7:00 p.m.

Wakefield is coming off a 6 inning, 7 hit, 5 earnies appearance against the Piroots, and may represent the only friggin chance the hometown 9 have to win one versus the skipper’s former team.  Only two Astros have faced Wakefield, Carlos is 9 for 24 with 2 HR, while Jason Michaels is 1-3 with 2 walks.  Norris has been tagged with a 1-2 record in his last four starts, despite giving up only 5 earned runs over those games.  Norris has held Adrian Gonzalez to a .000 BA, but has not faced any other Sawks in his career.

M*A*S*H* Report

Attempts to get Astros Fans AIS

Friday, July 1  RALLY TOWELS- not to be confused with the Rally Towlie

Saturday, July 2  Patriotic Fireworks–not to be confused with the regular Friday night fireworks the night before, all of these fireworks have been wrapped in genuine imitation copies of the Declaration of Independence.

Sunday, July 3 Brett Myers Bobblehead–When you shake the head you can hear Myers yell, “C’mon Thunderpants, hit the fuckin’ cutoff man!”

Well shit….

Why does life always throw me a curve on Series Preview days?  Obviously, I am not finished with this preview, and the first pitch is scheduled for oh, about 10 minutes from now…..so I am posting this for all to read, then will continue to update it during the game……

What is there to say?  Myers stinks like rotten eggs against the Braves going only 4-10 against them.  Plus Hanson is red hot right now.  And Uggla and Chipper pretty much makes Myers his female dog, in fact there are 18 Braves that have a career .300 or better average against him. UGH.  Add that to a Braves 5 game win streak and it doesn’t look like the Astros have much of a chance.  However, that is why they PLAY the games.

BIG shoutout to OSF who has covered my ass for the first two games of this series.

My apologies to Paul Revere, however, there is no greater fear a city has than to be overrun with John Q. Idiot Cubfan himself.  Why, just the other day, a few of my favorite SnS friends and I were sitting in The Flying Saucer, preparing for a rousing home opener against the Marlins, when who walks in, but Mr. Cubfan.  Now obviously, he had no fashion or common sense, sporting a Cub hat and jersey into a bar full of Astros fans, but what do you expect? He is a fan of the baby bears.  These poor suckers just don’t have a chance.  Loveable losers? Hell,  no.  Just plain dumbshits.  Not that you need more proof, but here is just a little something about that team that plays Wrigley:

**Twenty major events  have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:  

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley’s comet passed Earth. TWICE.

6. Harry Caray was born….and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

**Disclaimer: No I did not spend my freakin valuable time compiling this shit.  I am therefore not liable for any mistakes.  Blame John Q. Cubfan.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Monday, April 11 Ryan Dempster RHP 0-2, 6.59 ERA vs Nelson Figueroa RHP 0-1, 10.13 ERA

The Trash Receptacle has had a rough start to the season, giving up 16 hits and 10 earned runs over 13.2 innings.  He has had a history of struggling against the hometown nine, sporting a team BA of .302 lead by Lee (.369) and Bourn (.361).  Figueroa is even 1-2 against him.  While this news is encouraging, Cub batters have an even higher average against Nelson.  However, Fukudome (.556 in 9AB) is on the DL, so that would lower the team BA from the lofty .319 they have against Figueroa (nine Cub batters hit .319 or higher).  His last two starts versus the Cubs last year yielded two wins for the ‘Stros, lets hope he continues this streak.

Tuesday, April 12 James Russell LHP 1-0, 0.00 ERA vs Brett Myers RHP 0-0, 2.03 ERA

Russell gets his first major league start against Myers and the Astros.  Last season, he did appear twice in the first inning, relieving Wells after six batters with no outs, and Silva after one out, but did not last more than 4 innings in either appearance.  Expect to get to the bullpen early in this one.   As a reliever, he has posted a 0.00 ERA and .000 slugging percentage against five current Astros.  He faces Myers!Myers! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!  Baker (.667), Soto (.375), and Byrd (.300) have had success against Brett, although he holds the team to a .201 average.  Myers is 10-3 with a 2.21 ERA with 103 Ks against the Cubs in his career.

Wednesday, April 13  Carlos Zambrano RHP 1-0, 5.25 ERA vs Wandy Rodriguez LHP 0-1, 6.55 ERA 

Zambrano got his first ever major league win against the Astros in a relief appearance on September 21, 2001.  Since then, he has gone 14-8 with a 2.63 ERA and 172 Ks and I learned to hate him with a special hate that I reserve for cocksuckers like him.  It is not often that  a man debases himself on the level of a Zambrano implosion, so when he blesses us with yet another idiotic display, we must embrace it as only a Zambrano hater can. This just never gets old….. 

It goes without saying that I literally puked when I found out that yahoo computer draft stuck him on my fantasy team, but I figured, I would suffer the pain, the embarassment, the shame, if it shows the BBGs I will take one for the team.  
Rodriguez bounced back from a forgettable first start of the season by giving up only 1 earned run over seven innings in his last start against the Marlins. Wandy needs to be careful around his opponent, Zambrano is 2 for 9 with a HR against him. Several other Cubs hit Wandy around pretty bad, with Baker (.455) and Soto (.357) leading the team among those with double digit ABs against Rodriguez.

Injuries

Cubs–Randy Wells (forearm) and Andrew Cashner (shoulder) are on the 15 day DL and are out until the end of April.  The Dome of Fuku has a pulled pork sammich and is not expected to be available for this series.

Astros–Nothing new here.  I keep hoping that the Castro injury was some bad dream brought on by an overabundance of Sonic chili dog and tater tots, but no such luck.  Don’t know why he is on the 15-day DL instead of the longer one.  Joining him are Keppinger (foot), Arias (shoulder) and Barmes (hand), none of which is expected back until late April or early May.

Promotions and Giveaways

Pam has come up with an brand new marketing scheme.  Mad Hatters Days.  Anyone wearing a Cubs hat will be lined up in front of MMPUS for other fans throw any variety of rotten fruit, vegetables or eggs at them, earning the one who plasters them with a free ticket for that night’s game. If the Cub hat is on backwards, you earn TWO free tickets to the game…… Oh, no? It is Price Matters Days?  Crap that is old hat.  In fact, it is available every Monday through Thursday for every home game.  I guess they figure there will be enough AIS from the plethora of Cubfandom that will fill the stadium with cheers for the baby bears.  What we need is something to draw in Astro fans so that cheers for the home team aren’t drowned out by shouts for Marmolade or Zam-IamsofatIneedamanbra-no. Geez, Pam, get your head in the game…..

Weather

Final thought…

What is the difference between Wrigley Field and a cactus?

With a cactus, all the pricks are on the outside.

To spout your own Cub jokes, join us in the GZ.

Casey Coleman, RHP  vs  Bud Norris, RHP 

Coleman notched a win against the Cards in his last start, but had bad juju against the Astros in his only start against them this year.  Bourn and the Big Johnson each batted 1.000 in that game, where Coleman posted a 6.0 ERA.  Norris has won 7 of his last 9 and would love to get to double digit wins for the year.  As he said himself, “It comes down to one.”   Well, if you want that one, keep away from Starlin Castro.  The young Dominican hits .667 against ya there, buddy. 

Carlos Zambrano, RHP  vs   J.A. Happ, LHP 

If I had to pick a baby bear to hate the most, it would be friggin Zambrano.  This guy has to be the mother fucking epitome of all that Cubdom is about. What a friggin crybaby.  Somebody change his Pampers before he goes out on the mound, we don’t want MMPUS to smell like your shit for the entire off season. 

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Well, fuck Zambrano, I have tried embedding this for awhile and it just won’t.  So go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tTuZir2420&feature=related  and make sure you have the sound up.  Way up.

Happ just makes me happy.  When I look at him, I am reminded that I don’t have to hear that whiny bitch Oswalt anymore, and that is good enough for me.  Plus, he has held Mr. Sorry-I-Know to .000, and that just has to make you smile.

Ryan Dempster, RHP  vs  Wandy Rodriguez, LHP 

We go from the crybaby to the trash can.  The Astros hit .324 (that’s with the pitchers) against the guy and he still shows up for the game.  Wandy gets the honor of sending the sCrubs back to Chicago for a long cold winter with visions of Stve Bartman dancing in their head. 

Out for the season :

Cubs: Colvin, Soto, Grabow, Silva, Guzman.   And probably the fuck me guy, too.

Astros: Bourn, Moehler, Arias.  No surprises there.  Only 3 days left people.  Leave SBB alone.

Giveaways:

Friday: Trick or Treat bags, Coca Cola Value Night, Friday night fireworks and dollar hot dogs.  That will fill the stadium.  Why not dollar beer, people?  Pam you do want AIS, right?

Saturday: One more retired Astro bobblehead.  At least we lead the league in one category. 

Sunday: 2010 Astros Team Poster.  Bet it still has Oswalt and no Happ.  No thanks.  Plus, they are giving away all the extra crap that has been sitting in the storage closet, unclaimed, sorta like one great big Astros garage sale.

Weather:  Gonna be a gorgeous weekend.  Seriously, like 58 degrees tonight?  With a high of 80 tomorrow?  Holy jumped-up Jesus palomino!!

End of the line

I’ll admit I haven’t watched as much baseball this year as I have in seasons past.  It hasn’t been because I was disenchanted with the team, but rather work duties increased and I have gone back for a graduate degree.  Thanks for putting up with some pretty shitty attempts at previews; I hope I haven’t worn out my welcome and get to have a chance to make the rotation next year.

Oh, and…..

FUCK THE CUBS.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Friday’s game features Happ vs Sanchez.  No not that Sanchez, the one with the girl name, Anniebelle.  Sanchez is 3-4 in his last 10 starts, giving up 23 runs over 60.1 innings in that stretch.  Manzella (just off the DL) and Bourn both hit .550 against him in limited ABs.  Happ needs to be on for the Marlins, they are 23-12 vs. southpaws for the season.  Paulino hits .400 vs Happ and Cody Ross is the only Marlin to have hit a homer off him.

On Saturday, the Astros send another lefty up against the Fish.  Wandy has not had a decision in his last 3 starts, despite allowing only three earned runs in 20 1/3 innings. He’s 6-1 with a 1.74 ERA in his last 10 starts.  Wandy should be on guard against Ross (.375), Ramirez (.455) and Paulino (.500).   He faces Chris Volstad, who is 2-1 since a 3 game stint in the minors earlier this year.  Don’t know why, but he reminds me of some country hick from Vidor.

The series finale the Mud and Blood send up Figueroa to make his second start of the season.  Current Marlins are 1-13 against him, the only hit a single by Hanley Ramirez.  His mound opponent will be Ricky Nolasco.  Pence likes him some Nolasco-his 3 hits off him have all been of the out of the park variety.

And just like that–Ronny Paulino gets himself a 50 game sit on the bench for a positive test for a banned substance.  You are out for the season you dumbshit.

Ploys to get AIS

Friday–Billy Bingo!!!   The first 10,000 fans will get a Billy Bingo card and 2,500 will win a Marlins Player Jersey.  2500?? Won’t that be almost every one in the stadium??

Saturday–Post-game concert featuring Tito El Bambino & Zion y Lennox.   Oh, and this clapper thingy.

Sunday–It is Billy the Marlin’s Birthday.  So you get this lunchbag.  Does it come with fresh fish?

Injuries

The Astros have a few new additions to the DL: Keppinger and Lindstrom.  Otherwise you know the drill: Arias, Paulino, and Moehler.

The Fish will be without the aforementioned Paulino, plus these poor fellows: Baker, Coughlan, Marinez, West, andPoveda.  Sucks for them.

Weather

Saturday ain’t no different.  Sunday neither.

Apologies for the lack of hate

Been pretty swamped at work.  So rather than spend time trying to write something witty, I just decided to link to some bikini shots.  It is Florida, after all.

Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’, C’mon get Happ-y

The  Astros enter into a new era, and boy are they PO’d.  That’s Post Oswalt’d for you who haven’t surfed the internet or turned on a TV in the past 36 hours or so.   Uh, huh, that guy who was supposed to break the Astros team record for wins is bye-bye, and a young southpaw is in the fold. 

A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’, We’ll make you Happ-y

James Anthony Happ.  J. A.  for short. 

We had a dream we’d go trav’lin’ together
We’d spread a little lovin then we’d keep movin’ on

Now as the details of the trade came down the pike, Astros fans across the universe held their collective breaths as visions of a sugar plum fairy godmotherf’er of a deal danced in their heads.  What could be gotten for their favorite electrically charged and repaired Roy-O?  Wild ass rumours were the talk of the day–from 3 team deals where the Astros would get 8 blue star sure thing minor league prospects plus Ted William’s cryogenically preserved dome, down to just trading Oswalt for a lifetime supply of Vagisil and Mantyhose.  When the dust settled, the Astros had given the Phillies $11 million dollars and a major league Whine-O for a young left-handed pitcher J. A. Happ, along with outfielder Anthony Gose and shortstop Jonathan Villar.  Gose was then flipped to the Blue Jays for first baseman Brett Wallace, masher extraordinaire.

Somethin’ always happ-ens whenever we’re together
We get a Happ-y feelin’ when we’re singin’ a song

Happ-y Trails, to ya Roy, don’t forget your Bros on the way out…… Now, if we could just get rid of those horses and yeller cats, too.

Back to the business at hand…baseball…games.  The Brew Crew is in town, after losing 2 of 3 to the NL Central leading Cincinnati Reds (yep, don’t run out and get Lasik, you read that right, the Reds). 

Friday’s matchup has Manny Parra facing that Happ-y guy (not to be confused with our own Mr. Happy).  Happ has started once against the Brewers in his career, giving up 2 runs on 6 hits in 5.2 innings and earning a W.  Current Brewers hit .286 against him, lead by the Prince himself with a .500 average.  Parra is coming off his better appearances of the season last week (against the Nats mind you).  Four Astros sport .500 or better averages off Manny: Lee, Feliz, Michaels and Q.

Saturday’s matchup features a battle between a rod and a bush-and we all know how that usually turns out.  The rod comes up limp, but the bush gets creamed. (Boooooo, I know) Pence typically likes Bush, going 8 for 20 with 1 dinger, while Feliz and Lee both have taken him yard twice.  McGehee (.455), Hart (.419), Braun (.368) and Weeks (.300), are salivating to see Wandy take the hill.  Rodriguez is 6-6 with a 4.48 ERA vs the Brewers in his career.

For the Sunday matinee, its a  battle of the Ws, Wolf vs Wright. Wolf has held the current Astros lineup to a .207 BA.  That anemic average is only that high because Q is 5 for 9 with a .556 average, or else that average drops below the shit line to a paltry .178.  The Kid is making his third start of the season for the Good Guys (both against the Cubs–Fuck them!) and has yet to get past the 5th inning. 

 Is there a doctor in the house?

The Sexy, Sexy Bitch and the kid who won’t take off his sunglasses at night are questionable for this series.  Sittin’ on the dock of the DL we find Gerut, Davis, Estrada and Zaun playing a game of quarters til the sun goes down. Or they get shit-faced, one or the other.

Arias is still MIA for the season.  Fulchino has started his rehab assignment, while Blum, Manzella, Moehler, and Paulino draw straws to see who gets to visit Brownie and JD in the booth this Saturday. Keppinger is day-to-day from the backache he aquired from trying to carry this team single-handedly for much of the season.

Send’em home Happ-y!

Friday Night Fireworks!  ‘Nuff said.

"Look Ma! They got it wrong! His butt ain't brushing the ground!"

Saturday-New Batting Coach Jeff Bagwell Bobblehead!  How many Bagwell bobbing heads does one need anyway? Anything to get another ass in the seat, huh, Pam?  Oh, yeah.  Its also that Faith and Family night thing that Alkie hates, featuring Fat Elvis giving his testimony–LIVE ON THE BIG SCREEN FROM NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!

Sunday-An Astros lunch bag for the kiddies, just in time for school.  I am going to have to steal one of those babies for myself.  My family and I will be attending the game thanks to Chevy Youth Baseball. In the cheap seats, where else?  I said Chevy not Bentley.

The Re-building Saga Begins

Dear Drayton,

The word of the day is re-building. Emphasis on the re-.  It has been done before.  Remember that October of 20 ouught five?  You can have that Happ-y feeling again.  If you build it………well, you know what comes next. 

(song fades into the distance)Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’,
C’mon get Happ-y
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
We’ll make you Happ-y
We’ll make you Happ-y,
We’ll make you Happ-y

Good start Drayton. Now, go make us happy.