Pirates 2
Astros 6

W: Rodriguez (6-10) | L: Lincoln (1-3)

Astros.com Wrap

There’s nothing quite like playing the Pirates. It’s like taking a vacation from reality, where you can imagine – if only for a few days – that your Houston Astros are a legitimate baseball team with hopes to contend for it all. Whisked away to a magical time and place, where winning is the expectation rather than the exception, and you can laugh at the misfortune of your opponent, rather than resignedly sighing about your own.

Squeeze your eyes shut tight, and you can picture Home Wandy striking out double digits, hurling a seven inning, one-run gem for the win. You’ll see him pitch with control and poise, holding shit down when the bases do get crowded, and cruising through the rest of his time effortlessly. What’s that? His third win and excellent start in a row? Hahahaha sure thing, friend. Sure thing.

Of course, you’ll imagine some offense, too. You wouldn’t get all crazy… this would be a bit of a vanilla daydream. The guys at the top of the order would get on and make some stuff happen, and the heart of the lineup would drive them in with power. Pretty standard stuff.

You’d probably have Bourn getting on a couple of times, maybe swiping a bag, scoring from first, that kind of thing. Keppinger would just keep hitting. Then you’d get to 3-4-5, and it’s just fucking chaos. Taters and doubles flying all over the place, fistfuls of RBI and hits for everyone, none of the three even strikes out. Somewhere in there, even the new kid and the pitcher manage to get a hit. Just majestic.

The Good Guys win it going away, and put another game of distance between them and the team looking up at their ass. It’s July, your centerfielder’s an All-Star, it’s sunny outside and you are fucking going places. Bask in it, people.

Because sadly, some shitface is inevitably going to come wake your ass up in a couple of days. Until then, though…

Jints 3
Astros 1

W: Lincecum (8-2) | L: Oswalt (5-9) | S: Wilson (20)

Astros.com Wrap

A million apologies to Jason Castro, who will undeservedly get short shrift in his first SnS recap, as I have spent the morning watching Univision in my red white and blue body paint and novelty wig. Given the result, I’m heading out to burn some couches and cars, before settling in for a productive afternoon at the office (read: hitting the booze like Don Fucking Draper).

As for the game, Castro’s first on the big club was individually memorable in spite of the loss. The kid picked up a hit against Lincecum in his first MLB at-bat – a line single into center – and scored the Astros’ only run of the night. Not shabby at all, and he added to it by throwing out a pair of runners trying to swipe second. Castro’s parents were in attendance – being stalked relentlessly by Patti Smith – and his mom was especially giddy over everything he did. It just good to see someone genuinely happy while watching the Astros play baseball for a change.

Apart from Castro’s debut, it was a solid pitcher’s duel, With Lincecum again getting the best of Oswalt. The score probably would have been higher on both sides, but the two pitchers took turns mangling the art of bunting beyond recognition, ruining a few opportunities along the way. Roy absolutely shit on a great chance when he popped a bunt up weakly to the catcher with runners on first and second and nobody out. Bourn followed with a double that should have scored both runners, so hopefully Roy took responsibility for his part in the lack of offense last night.

At least Lincecum’s failures with bunting lead to some quality entertainment from Twinkie, as he unsuccessfully fake-dropped one pop-up to attempt a double play, with some of the best acting I’ve seen since… earlier in the day in the World Cup, I guess. The second pop-up was even better, as Fat Elvis lumbered down the line in a valiant effort to snare it, belly-flopping spectacularly into foul territory like someone threw him off a deer stand.

But all this is losing talk, and ‘mericans like winnin’. So here’s some fucking WIN…

Astros 7
Royals 15

W: Texeira (1-1) | L: Paulino (1-8)

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Halfway through this one, it looked dangerously like the Astros might be on track to hang one in the win column, having batted around to a 6-3 lead in the 4th. The bottom of the 5th saw a return to normalcy, though, as the Royals dropped a 7-spot on Houston, as the Good Guys cruised the rest of the way to a comfortable 7-15 shellacking.

After spending some time on the DL, this was just the sort of simulated game that I needed to get my typing arm back in shape. I’m looking forward to some real baseball next time out, and hopefully management will remove the Photoshop count and let me out there with the full arsenal. Fingers crossed.

Astros 6
Jakes 3

W: Myers (2-2) | L: Penny (3-3) | S: Lindstrom (7)

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Man, that felt nice. The Good Guys emerged from the NL Central basement just long enough to leave a flaming poo bag on the Jakes’ door step, battling back to win late. The victory insures that, if nothing else, the Turdinals will remain the only team this season that has not swept the ‘Stros*. Baby steps.

Myers pitched well again, working through some traffic to log six innings of two-run ball. The Cards got on the board in the bottom of the first, set up by a Ludwick/Pooholes hit and run that pulled Matsui just far enough towards second to prevent him from snaring the ball to right. With Ludwick on third, Holliday grounded out to Kaz to take the 1-0 lead.

In the third, Ludwick doubled with one out to get things going for the shitbirds. Albert followed with an infield hit and Holliday loaded them up with a single to right. Freese brought Ludwick home on a single to right, but Myers sacked up and got a Squatting Molina to ground into a double play to end the frame relatively unscathed. Of course, being down 2-0 right now has been no different in practical terms than being down by eleventy hundred, so the well of hope was a touch dry – especially with Penny sporting a sub-2.00 ERA and running through unattainable starlets like lesser men go through cans of Chef Boyardee and self-respect. It’s hard to muster confidence in the face of credentials like that.

So it was a bit of a surprise when the BBGs handed the Good Guys an opening in the 7th in the form of Flapjack reaching on a one-out throwing error, and – get this – they actually took advantage of it. I know. Crazy. Thunder Pants chased Lee’s fat ass over to third with a double, and Blum followed with a clutch backstop impression, leaving enough knee in the way of a Penny fastball to load ’em up. Manzella came in hacking, driving the first pitch to right for a sac fly that plated Caballo and moved Gunther up to third.

With two down and a chance to tie, Mills brought Sullivan in for the hitless Cash. The move paid off perfectly, with a first pitch single to left scoring Pence to knot up the game. Mills then lifted Myers and sent in Q, and he cracked the first pitch he saw to left, scoring Blum from second, with Sullivan and Q moving into scoring position after the ball skipped away from Molina at the plate. And because clutch first-pitch heroics were contagious and spreading like syphilis in a brothel, Bourn did the same, but raised the degree of difficulty to OMFG AWESOME by knocking a gorgeous bunt past the mound to second. Dutifully, Princess Pooholes fielded the ball directly in front of Schumaker, alerted the grounds crew that the basepaths were off-angle by 0.5 degrees, changed a lamp in the left field lights, performed an emergency c-section near the concessions in center, and left his base completely unattended for Bourn to easily reach while Sullivan scored for the 4-2 lead. It looked like this, and felt like this.

The Cards got one back in the bottom half, as Venti Fulchino allowed a walk between two singles, before Sampson came in and slammed the door shut on Pujols and Holliday to end the inning with a 4-3 lead intact. In the eighth, Lance lead off against Motte, fouled his way through a few pitches, and then BOOM BITCH he crushed one off the back of the bullpen. Two batters later, Beaker proved that sometimes good things do happen to bad ideas, as he somehow pulled a low and outside slider over the wall in deep left to make it 6-3. Take a look at the stellar effort by Holliday on the play – I had to do a double take, because I thought it was Torii Hunter out there for a second. Amazing.

Lyon and Lindstrom locked it down tight from there, allowing just one single in the final two frames to seal the win. Penny wins the game’s Alan Ashby Silver Lining Award, lowering his ERA to 1.70 while shouldering the loss, as all four of his runs were of the unearned variety. Nice job! The Good Guys look to continue their furious comeback to playoff contention* tonight, as Wandy squares off agin Lohse.

*possibly inaccurate hyperbole

Snakes 1
Astros 0

W: Kennedy (2-1) | L: Oswalt (2-4) | S: Qualls (6)

Astros.com Wrap

What a pile of suck that was. Justin Upton hit one big-ass solo tater, and that was it for the scoring in this turd. The offense continues to find new and exciting depths of ineptitude, netting the second 8-game skid of the young season. By far the best thing that happened in this game was Feliz and Q teaming up to pick Chris Young off of third, so here’s that.

Also…

Dickities 4
Astros 2

W: Arroyo (1-2) | L: Oswalt (2-3) | S: Cordero (8)

Astros.com Wrap

Sounds hard.

Ah, the familiar sweep. It’s been a little while, but that brings the Good Guys up to three of them in April. Let’s ‘cap this using the sorry crutch of the unmotivated – BULLET POINTS!

• For all his many virtues, JD sometimes makes a habit of dropping trou and depositing a deuce on the doorstep of the BBGs, with last night’s game being one example of the poor outcomes that generally result from such gall. During the opening loss in the series, Jimmy postured that Wednesday was effectively the rubber game, since Roy’s start was already a lock for the ‘Stros. This is obviously frowned upon, and a correction was inevitable. Given his nearly unvarnished track record of awesomeness, this transgression is excused, but try to keep that shit in check, big guy.
• Manzella flashed some serious leather out there last night. In its most defense-y form (Feliz, Manzella, Kaz), this infield is especially fun to watch, and the junior member is proving to be an excellent anchor.
• Flapjack engaged in some truly lackadaisical bullshit in the 5th inning, lazily allowing Stubbs to go first-to-third on a routine single to left. When the alternative is to charge past the ball and let everyone score, I suppose it could be worse, but c’mon… a little effort out there would be nice. You’re halfway to the infield as it is, it shouldn’t be that fucking hard to give the illusion that you’re capable of throwing out the runner directly in front of you.
• Roy looked pretty good, got dinged a little but never had the Oswalt Inning, and threw a bunch of pitches.
• Thunder Pants homered.
• Really, that’s about all I’ve got here.

Random: So, the missus has been bugging me for seemingly eternity to watch the second Twilight movie with her. I really have no idea why. Since I’ve been monopolizing the TV – and because I was assured that there would be reciprocation – I decided to be the nice guy and agree to watch this insipid piece of shit immediately following the game. And because I’m working on being a better human being, I even agreed to not point out what an insipid piece of shit it is during the movie.

As such, I have now ground my teeth down to painful little nubs, and I’m left to tell all three of you just how badly Twilight sucks, or this rage will consume me. Seriously, that was the worst clusterfucktastrophe of shit story, shit characters, shit dialog, shit acting and shit effects that I have ever suffered through, bar none. And yes, I’ve seen Waterworld. I mean, I knew it was going to be bad, but I had absolutely no idea that it was even possible to be that bad.

Someone who has read the books please give me some good news and tell me that they all die horribly by the end of it. And I mean all of them, because I couldn’t find a single redeeming character, or even someone didn’t make me feel all punchy and stabby. (Maybe the Dad, but even he should just be put out of his misery.) If it’s not the case that they’re all dispatched by some sort of fantastic emo-fey-monster-infecting virus, can you please, please just tell me that an asteroid falls out of the sky and lands on Bella? BECAUSE I HATE HER SO FUCKING MUCH. Lie to me if necessary, Thanks.

So yeah… Braves next. Go get’ em.

Astros 7
Fish 5

W: Lyon (1-1) | L: Wood (0-1) | S: Lindstrom (3)

Astros.com Wrap

Oh, shit. I write these things for Tuesday games now? Terrific. Let’s go…

The hottest team in baseball, Vegas favorites and inevitable World Series champions – YOUR 2010 HOUSTON ASTROS – kept the good times rolling with a late comeback victory last night against the hated rival extant Marlins of Florida. The game saw the restoration of order and reason to the lineup, with Berkman’s return to the snack corner and the three-hole in the order. He looked just as nimble and spry as he’s capable of looking, driving in two (on groundouts, yeah, but still…), doubling to left and diving all over his designated chat zone in the field. Let the record show that the first opposing player chatted up on defense was Cameron Maybin in the 1st, the first while standing on base was Dan Uggla in the 3rd, and Fat Elvis did not see his shadow.

The Fish struck first on a barrage of singles to open the game, plating two in the 1st. The Good Guys got one back in the bottom half, with Bourn walking, thieving his way around the diamond, and scoring on a slow Puma groundout to third. Scoring went back and forth all game long, with the Marlins holding a 4-3 lead heading into the bottom of the 7th.

Blum and Bourn both reached with no outs, and Kepp moved them into scoring position with a sac bunt. Twinkie plated Blum with the tying run on a sharp grounder to second, before the inning ended on a Flapjack pop-up. In the 8th, Thunderpants doubled to left, then moved to third on a Feliz single. Kaz broke the tie with a damn fine sac bunt down the first base line, after showing bunt on the previous pitch. Michaels came in to pinch hit in the next at-bat, and crushed a smokey to deep left, extending the lead to 7-4 and providing the crucial cushion.

Lindstrom came in to seal it, and notched his third save in three games, after allowing one run on a couple of singles and a wild pitch. Lyon picked up the win with a perfect 8th, leaving Myers with a no-decision after seven pretty decent innings of not punching anyone in the face. The ‘Stros have now won 4 of 5, and are clearly bound for the postseason. The presumptive victory tour continues tonight with Bud Norris squaring off agin Josh Johnson at 7:05, in which Carlos Lee drives in three runs because I said so that’s why.

Astros 2
Braves 1

W: Valverde (4-2) | L: Soriano (1-5)

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Just as the age and decline talk began, Twinkie and Tejada cued up the Hulkster’s intro music and initiated Operation Furious Clutch Comeback Montage Sequence. Feel free to leave that playing in the background.

Eny and Tommy Hanson got their horns locked in an old-fashioned NL pitchers’ duel for the bulk of this one, before The Most Interesting Pitcher in the World left to ice a tired shoulder with crisp, refreshing Dos Equis after seven strong. The Fucking Braves scratched out their lone run on three total hits, using a walk, groundout and single in the second to nick Wandy. The Good Guys eked out five hits in eight innings against Hanson – who is a fucking witch – but Wandy was the only player to get as far as third base (NTTAWWT). While there, he passed the time by winning a staring contest against a statue, and wrestling a bear with his hands cuffed to his belt.

Down 1-0 in the bottom of the ninth, the ‘Stros faced off against Soriano, with Kaz getting the rally started with a one-out single to right. Fat Elvis stepped in and smacked a double to left, almost before JD could wax prophetic about him hitting a walk-off jack. Close enough. Miggy followed with a bounder up the middle that caused significant tailpipe-puckering, due to its resemblance to a sure double play comebacker. Somehow, the ball managed to elude every glove in the infield by inches as it bounced its way directly over 2B and into center for the win, scoring Kaz and Berkman easily.

Big props in this one go to the gang of kids who cared enough to a) be there at all, in full team regalia no less, b) engage rally caps and c) celebrate the win like it was the NL pennant. I am inspired by their passion and utter naivety, and hereby pledge to dispense with my cynicism until at least the 3rd inning of today’s game. Thanks, gents.

Astros 2
Cards 3

W: Pineiro (13-9) | L: Oswalt (7-5) | S: Franklin (34)

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Roy’s right. The fire’s not there right now. You get paid good money* to go out and do your job, and it’s not getting done. For fuck’s sake, I only just now bothered to remember that I’m supposed to write a recap once a week. Inexcusable lack of effort. I’d like to apologize to my teammates at SnS, my fans**, and most of all, to Sparky.

If we all showed the same passion that he displayed in allowing three runs on four hits in the 1st inning yesterday, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. But that’s what leaders do – they immediately get in a hole that forces the offense to press, barely escape having three signature blow-up innings in one game, and lay the blame right where it belongs: everywhere else.

When you point the finger at someone, three fingers point back... right at that other useless asshole behind you who didn't do a fucking thing to help bail you out.

Lazy-assed lazy-ass photoshopping
You know the malaise has fully set in when I can’t even be troubled to lean on the easy crutch of photoshop to get through another recap. Instead, I’m taking uninspired to a whole new level, and just linking to the last time that I used a lazy-ass photoshop as a crutch. Nobody read the fucking thing anyway, so I should be in good shape.

On the ol’ jukebox
This brief writing seesion was penned to Jawbreaker’s Unfun, which was coincidental, but appropriate.

Better things
Better than reading about losing to the Turdinals and bitching? Two minutes and forty-one seconds of non-stop faceplants. You’re welcome.

Footnotes
* By “you”, I mean “I”. And by “good money”, I of course mean “rubgirls”.  back^
** Hi Mom!  back^

Astros 6
Fish 3

W: Gervacio (1-0) | L: West (4-5) | S: Valverde (17)

Astros.com Recap
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GameZone

The Good Guys won last night, so there’s that. Michael Bourn was absolutely everywhere again – hitting, sliding, leaping and stealing… our hearts.

So dreamy...

Staked with 4 runs from the offense, Bazardo had a decent start, giving up just 2 runs in what should have been at least 5 innings of work. Unfortunately, Kaz muffed the turn on an inning-ending double play in the top of the 5th, throwing a wrench in the works. With 2 on, 2 outs and a 2-run lead, Coop obviously needed to manage this one like game 7 of the World Series, using not one but two relievers to get the last out, then switching to a third to start the next inning. But again, the Astros ultimately won, so it’s fine.

Cheer up, MFers, you had Monday off

The official scorer took pity on Gervacio’s plight, awarding him his first big league win in spite of throwing just 5 pitches. Congrats to Sammy, and here’s hoping that Bazardo can snag his first Astros W next time out. With Hampton disintegrating before our eyes, it looks like Yorman will at least get a few more chances. Or he’ll be throwing out of the pen tonight, one or the other.

Doesn't have a problem with that