Welcome to Cleveland

The previous tradition with these previews held that this was an opportunity to express our hate for the upcoming opponent and their fanbase.  Now that we’re in Designated Hitter Bizarro World, I’m at a loss.  The Cleveland Fucking Indians?  I know more about particle physics than I do about the current Indians, and I only know one Indian fan, who happens to be a classy guy.  So what the hell are we supposed to do now?

I mean, the city of Cleveland and the Indians themselves are low hanging fruit to begin with, as exposed in the ground-breaking documentary Major League.  What more can be said about Cleveland that hasn’t already been said about Pyongyang/Khartoum/Port Aransas?  While the Astros as a team are no doubt more pathetic this year than the Tribe, it still feels like picking on the short kid in the high jump competition, or, well, the Browns.

So here’s to you, Cleveland.  You’re so boring and so full of despair that I can barely muster a “fuck you” in your direction.  I hope we lose all three games, just to give you something positive to get you through the nine month winter.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, April 19^th

7:10 CT, MMPUS

Brett Myers (0-2, 8.82) v. Lucas Harrell (0-2, 5.63)

Well, someone is going to get a win tonight, even if it isn’t one of these sad motherfuckers right here. Naturally, the only Astros that Myers has any history against are the offseason acquisitions.  Pena hits .167 with 4 Ks in 18 AB, while Ankiel tags him for .429/.857/1.286, thanks to a couple extra-base hits.  He’s been about as terrible as your remember this year for the Tribe, and leads the league in homers allowed.

Likewise, Harrell is winless, but he’s shown signs that he’s the ostensible “ace” that he was last year.  The Indians bat .138 collectively against him; only Drew Stubbs has more than one hit against him, to the tune of a .300 batting average.

Saturday, April 20^th

6:10 CT, MMPUS

Scott Kazmir (0-0, 0.00) v. Philip Humber (0-3, 2.89)

Well, this matchup would have creamed some panties in 2007.  Kazmir’s up in the Bigs again after a stint with the Skeeters last year.  Like Myers, Pena’s the only hitter in the lineup that he’s seen much of, and Pena’s been equally horrible against him.

Humber has had terrible luck this year, getting the Roy Oswalt Memorial Run Support Shit Pile (though he’s failed to cash in the accompanying Golden Tampon by whining about it).  As a former AL Central pitcher, he’s seen the Indians quite a bit in the past, and has been hit well by Asdrubal Cabrera and Carlos Santana.

Almost forgot: marijuana jokes!  Get it?

Sunday, April 21^st

1:10 CT, MMPUS

Ubaldo Jimenez (0-2, 11.25) v. Erik Bedard (0-1, 7.04)

I’m predicting a combined 14 innings of bullpen work in this game.  Jimenez has been absolutely terrible to start the year, which really makes those good years with the Rockies seem like a fever dream brought on by high altitude and good vibes.  The ‘stros best hitter against him is Harrell, which makes me sad on so many levels.  Ankiel does have a trio of RBIs against him, though.

Bedard is what we thought he was: a grown man who throws with his left hand, who mostly sucks but sometimes doesn’t.  He’s been mostly effective in his career against the Tribe, though Asdrubal Cabrera (whose mother seems to have had a stroke while in the process of naming him) has a scary 1.067 OPS, and Nick Swisher has a couple of dingers.

Injuries

Astros

Travis Blackley – I…I don’t know who this is.  Left shoulder strain.

Josh Fields – The bully could use him back.  Not because he’s good (he is), but because they just need warm bodies.  Forearm strain.

FMart – rehabbing in OKC, strained oblique.

Alex White – TJ Surgery.  Hooray!  Three more and the fourth one is free!

Indians

Sweet Baby Bourn (RIP) – Lacerated right index finger.  Boras always extracts his price.

Frank Hermann – TJ Surgery.  Just two more!

Scott Kazmir – Well, I guess this is technically accurate.  Someone else could end up starting on Friday.

Jason Kipnis – Right elbow soreness.  He’s been doing nothing but jacking off in my fantasy roster, so I guess that explains it.

Lou Marson – Cervical neck strain.  Didn’t know you could have two cervixes.  Cervii?

Josh Tomlin – TJ Surgery.  Oooh, this is getting exciting!

Blake Wood – TJ SURGERY! YES!  FREE NEW ELBOWS FOR EVERYONE!

Prrrrrrrromotions!

Friday:

Mini Bat, presented by Coca-Cola.  Club yourself into a stupor when it’s 8-4 in the third inning.

Saturday:

Altuve Bobblehead.  Actual size: 0.35 Altuves.

Sunday:

Green Grocery Tote Bag, presented by Methodist Transplant Center.  For all your transplant needs.

What to Watch For

–        The travelling horseshit show returns to Houston.

–        Kazmir’s possible 2013 debut.

–        I dunno, any positive thing you can latch onto.

–        BASEBALL IN SUB-60’s WEATHER IN HOUSTON, TEXAS

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Give me my money back

Give me my money back

You bitch

And don’t forget my black t-shirt.

God, there’s nothing better than finally being loose of a bad relationship.  All the bullshit, the harangues, the late nights that go nowhere, the guilt and the uncertainty all fade away in an instant.  The catharsis is beautiful.  And so, in that light, fuck off, Cardinals.  See you never.

Fuck the Best Fans in Baseball.  Fuck the idea that you got some special baseball knowledge infusion from sucking on Tony LaRussa’s wrinkled Genius.

Fuck Busch Stadium and Neu Busch.  Budweiser is as American as falafel now.

Fuck Missour-ee and Missour-uh.

Fuck the fans who show up to Minute Maid and out-cheer the locals.  At least we don’t have to worry about Mariners fans doing that.

Fuck powder blue uniforms.

I can’t think of a single reason to miss the Cardinals or their fans.  I can’t think of a single reason to stop hating them, too.  Well, maybe I will miss them.  It’s still just like a breakup; you miss the bullshit, too.  You sugar coat the bad memories and start to talk yourself into calling them up for a night of strong drinks and weak resolve.

Don’t be strangers, Cards.  Be the evil that lurks.  Be the team we want to see crushed when we make it back to the Series.  Be the one we walk past with our new girlfriend, and give you that nod that says, “Yeah, I’m hitting THIS now.”

And Co-ard fans:  please don’t pick the Astros as “your AL team”.  We already hate you enough as it is.

Probable Pitchers

Monday

Bold prediction: Abad fucks up.

Tuesday, September 26^th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Jaime Garcia (5-7, 4.25) v. Lucas Harrell (10-10, 3.89)

I swear this is the first time that I’ve done a preview this season that our starter’s statline looks better than theirs.  Holy crap.  Garcia gets smacked around by Altuve, Wallace, Downs and Maxwell, all of whom are hitting .400 or better against him.  What he deserves for being a Card.

Harrell’s been a delight to watch this year.  As much fun as it is to watch a flamethrower, and as frustrating as it is to watch a nibbler (coughHappcough), watching a pitcher PITCH is a joy.  Molina hits .500, and Freese has a homer.  The team as a whole is .313 against him.

Wednesday, September 27^th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Chris Carpenter (0-0, 3.60) v. Bud Norris (5-13, 5.05)

Carpenter languished on my Fantasy bench most of this season until I finally dropped him.  I think I dropped him for the emotional satisfaction as much as anything.  Gawd, did that feel good.  None of the current kiddos have any extra base hits on him, and bat a paltry .114 total.  Altuve has three singles in six at bats, though.

Bud would probably like to forget this season, but for better or worse, I think he’s found his nadir.  It may not necessarily be all uphill from here, but at least we know the bottom.  Allen Craig (which sounds like a brand of recliner) has two dingers against him, but the Co-Ards hit .251 total against him.

Injuries

Astros

Abad – fresh off the press!  Right oblique strain.  Pain in everyone’s ass.

Altuve – day to day with groin tightness.  Sounds like 7^th grade.

Dominguez – stomach virus.  Being around InBev products makes me puke too.

Escalona – died on the way back to his planet.

Marwin – Ankle sprain.  Trying to find the motherfucker who gave him the extra “v”.

Gonzalez – hammy strain.  Mmmm.  Delicious ham.

J.D. – “bone in hand”.  Which is worth two in bush.

Bud – blisters.  Gotta moisturize, son.

Schreefer – left shoulder.  BONG JOKE.

Weiland – shoulder herpes.

Co-Ards

Twinkie – out after knee surgery.

Freese – Sprained right ankle.  Ankles bend.  His hat brim apparently doesn’t.

Furcal – Grade 2 sprain of UCL.  So his UCL sprain has mastered adding, subtracting, and “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”

McClellan – Out for season.  I’d want to leave St. Louis permanently, too.

Westbrook – Is 900 years old.

Prrrromotions!

Tuesday – Shout At A Card Fan’s Kids Until They Cry Into Their Sundae Helmet Day!

Wednesday – J.R. Richard bobblehead night, plus a team poster.  The poster has so many cross-outs and exes, it looks like a serial killer’s hit list.

Speaking of exes, part of the reason this is late is that I took a new job on Friday, and working through the bullshit to actually exit my current one has consumed almost every waking moment since.   And boy, will I be glad to be done with this bitch.  She’s taken my joy and my money and my gat-damn lunch breaks, and now I’m getting a five minute commute and a 35% raise.  Suck it, baby: this is my new girlfriend.

Go Astros.  Fuck the Cardinals.  Forever.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

My mom’s folks lived in Starkville, Mississippi for most of my growing up years.  Originally from East Texas, they’d fled Lufkin (where my mom and dad met) for the Mississippi hill country when my grandfather’s debts accumulated to the point that skipping town seemed like the advisable course of action.  That’s kinda how he rolled.

Once in the college town of Starkville, he started selling logging equipment, driving out into the piney woods that were very much like the ones they’d left behind in Lufkin in order to shoot the shit with loggers, and sell them their next hauler or splitter.  On our trips there, I relished the opportunity to ride with him on work calls to see these huge machines.  As a little kid who aspired to do nothing more than drive a bulldozer for a living, this was something like heaven.

My parents had shielded me from the less than honorable reasons for why my grandparents lived in Starkville, but eventually the truth will come out.  My freshman year of college, the scenario repeated itself: bad debt had added up in Starkville.  The Cadillac that they couldn’t afford, the growing medical bills for his emphysema, the in-home health care nurse who they loved to her face and called her that despicable word when she wasn’t, it all cost money that he didn’t have, and wasn’t making by working as a janitor at the agricultural extension office, the one out in the cotton fields with all the boll weevil posters on the walls.

They’d announced that they were moving back to Texas, and my folks should come and get them.  This coincided with the weekend that I was to move to College Station to start school.  So I moved in a week earlier than expected, no huge inconvenience for me, while my dad drove the Uhaul across I-20 to their new home in Plano.  My mom still hates that she didn’t get more of a college send-off goodbye with me.  I don’t know why she’d complain: she was crying before they got to Navasota anyway.

The debt may have been dodged, but the emphysema came with them back to Texas, and my grandfather died within a year.  But not before he reminded me of his loyalties: in January of 2000, in the middle of a freak snowstorm, Mississippi State defeated A&M at the Independence Bowl, in overtime.  The final whistle blew, and not thirty seconds later, my phone rang.

“How bout dem Boodawgs?”

Ever since they’d been in Mississippi, MSU had kinda been my second college team.  I followed their basketball team to its unlikely Final Four berth, and heard the stories of their great 80’s baseball teams.  Those teams were mythical in my eyes: Raffy Palmiero (pre-enhancing drugs), Bobby Thigpen (the most under-rated closer of the 90’s) and of course, Will Clark.

Asshole.

Clark was (and by all accounts, continues to be) a huge asshole.  He always beat up on the Astros, including his famous first-MLB-AB homer off Lynn Nolan.  But when you grow up watching games in the Astrodome, anyone who could hit homers was appealing, and a player from my grandparents’ town was even better.  I didn’t know that he was chippy, or a sort of proto-Kent, or any of the things that I know now.  He might have worn black and orange then, but he’d worn maroon and white before and that was good enough for me.

When my grandfather died, a lot of the truths that had been covered up came out.  The prescription drug abuse, the emotional abuse, the debts that had to be settled, the vicious racism.  Having already drunk deeply of the Aggie kool-aid, the disillusion that comes with having the veil of childhood yanked aside provided the final separation of my emotional ties to Mississippi State as well.

Having cast off that which hinders, I can now begin to embrace my hate of the Golden Gate bastards. But one more villain remains.

Probable Pitchers

Tuesday, August 28^th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Matt Cain v. Bud Norris

Cain’s had a great season, and naturally his most memorable outing came against a stronger version of this lineup.  Naturally, expectations for tonight are not especially high. Parades is 2 for 3 against him, so hopefully the law of averages remains in the rookie’s favor.

Bud’s had a rough year. (Haven’t we all?) I’d love nothing more than to hear next March that he’s in the best shape of his life and hungry to put 2012 behind him.  Not to impugn his effort, but something definitely needs adjusting in his game.  Buster Posey has his number, to the tune of .750/.750/1.550.  Yikes.

Wednesday, August 29^th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Barry Zito v. Dallas Keuchel

Zito always gets a bad rap because of his terrible contract, but it’s not like he’s a terrible pitcher.  He’s very much a serviceable 2-3 starter on an okay team, and a great back-end starter on a better team.  Snyder and Altuve both hit him reasonably well.  Everyone else, not so much.

Keuchel, well, what can you say about Kuechel that hasn’t already been said about Hawkeye in The Avengers: wouldn’t be part of a better team, and certainly doesn’t bring a lot to the table besides moving the plot along.  He’s never faced the Giants.

Thursday, August 30^th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Ryan Vogelsong v. Jordan Lyles

Vogelsong looks like the sort of schmuck that Walter White would blow up on Breaking Bad.  Hell, Jesse could probably outsmart him.  Bougusevic is 0-fer against him, and only Altuve and Snyder have any hits in a short history.

Lyles is still showing flashes of potential, and lots of perseverance in this shitty year.  Hopefully, he hangs around long enough to enjoy some real run support on a regular basis.  He’s never faced the Jints.

Injuries

Astros

Lowrie needs your support

Escalona: Maybe sitting out this whole season was actually a stroke of genius.

Cordero: Sprained toe, stepping in the shit he’s been throwing.

Lowrie: He’s got a case of TBD.

Maxwell: Bruised finger, day-to-day

Norris: Foot contusion.  Slipped in Cordero’s shit.

Shreefer: Sore shoulder.  Strained it hitchhiking out of town.

Weiland: As a closet corpophiliac, Cordero’s shit was too hard to resist.  Shoulder infection followed. RETCON!

Giants

Justin Christian: 15-day DL, blasphemy.  You think you could have the initials J.C., call yourself Christian, and not get smited a little?  Think again.

Aubrey Huff: right knee strain.  Completed baseball activities August 23^rd.  So now that he’s done coloring, he can use the grown-up scissors.

Shane Loux – Neck strain.  15-day DL.

Brad Penny – Brad Penny on the DL?  Get the fuck outta here.

Freddy Sanchez – out for season with back surgery.

Eric Surkamp – out for season because they finally realized he’s 12 years old.

Brian Wilson – Baseball Dane Cook, everybody!  Tommy John surgery.

Prrrromotions!

Tuesday – Double Play Tuesdays.  Featuring more guaranteed double plays than any other team in the majors!

Wednesday – Price Matters.  No shit.

Thursday – Guy’s Night Out!  Stage an intervention for a buddy! Bemoan the fact that instead of cheerleaders like the Rockets and Texans, we have an anthropomorphic rabbit employed to drive freight across this great land.

My favorite Astros-Giants memory came in 2006.  Barry Bonds came to town in pursuit of Babe Ruth’s 714 home runs, and Russ Springer wasn’t having any of it.  Like the iPhone, edible underwear and Korean bbq tacos, it’s a wonder no one else thought of it before: plunk the son of a bitch.  So Russ did.  And Russ got ejected.  But for one night, the record stood because one forgettable middle reliever wasn’t going to be the guy whose name went in the record books for giving up that dinger.  He became the guy whose second Google auto-complete record is “Russ Springer Barry Bonds”.

What to Watch For:

–          The arrival of Parades

–          Lyles’ quest for consecutive wins

–          Just one week, please lord, just one week without being the lowlight on Sportscenter

Talk about it in the GameZone!

Plenty of ink has already been spilled bemoaning the awfulness of this particular Astros team, and I can’t say much more here that hasn’t already been said better (or more profanely) elsewhere.   So what I’ll add is that it has actually been refreshing to truly and completely stop caring about wins.  And not in that “hey, they’re just out there to have fun” way.  More like a “I can’t even bear to watch this time implode in real time, but I’m glad that baseball is still being played in Houston” way.  For half of each month this summer, if the fancy strikes me, I can walk up to any of the ticket windows on Texas Ave. and get good seats, plop my skinny jeaned-ass down in a comfy seat with a St. Arnolds, and watch some fucking terrible baseball.  And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Little resets like this allow us to see what it is we like about baseball in the first place.  Unfortunately, I like good defense, base running and wily pitching.  Shit, what else is on?

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 3^rd

6:35 CT, Turner Classic Movies Field

Armando Galarraga (0-0, 3.60) v. Tim Hudson (10-4, 3.68)

Galarraga goes for his first decision since joining the major league team.  If this rotation were a shady used car dealer’s inventory, Galarraga would be the C4 Corvette: good at one time, but woefully overmatched compared to the current competition.  Due to his AL servicetime, only two Braves have ever faced him.

Hudson, who I can only assume has a deleted scene in the Moneyball DVD where he shows everyone why Art Howe wasn’t an asshole, and how building a winning team is easy when your pitching is unbelievably good an young, is having another solid season in his mid-late career revival in Atlanta. Only Ben Fransisco and Chris Snyder have more than a couple AB’s against him, and Fransisco is 4-for-6 in their matchups.

Saturday, August 4^th

6:10 CT, truTV (formerly Court TV) Field

Lucas Harrell (8-7, 4.03) v. Paul Maholm (9-6, 3.74)

The erstwhile ace of the staff is one game over .500 and flirting with a 4 ERA like it’s junior prom.  Yah-fucking-hoo.  The good news is that the Braves have a collective .000 batting average against him.  The bad news is that’s over 3 at-bats.

Maholm came over in a trade from the FTC’s this week, and is making his first start for the Braves.  That’s like dropping your girlfriend with herpes and getting one with 20,000 redneck children whose names all rhyme with “aden”.  Snyder hits him well, as does Downs.  Collectively, the team is .205 against him, which sounds about right.

Sunday, August 5^th

12:35 CT,  TNT We Know Drama Field

Bud Norris (5-8, 5.02) v. Kris Medlen (2-1, 2.43)

The 2013 closer has had a rough year, and facing the Bravos is probably not the best antidote.  Several players (Uggla, Heyward, McCann, Janish) are all batting better than .500 against him.   Ugh.

Don’t let the low ERA fool you about Medlen; he’s a converted reliever.  Oh who am I kidding: pitchers put on a Braves uni and it automatically drops their ERA by a full point, gives their breaking balls more bite, and increases their capability to bitch about even the most generous strike zones.  Pearce, Downs, Martinez and Schafer all hit him well.

Injuries

Astros

Castro: Right knee effusion.  I had one of these at Uchi last week.  A bit gamey.

Escalona: Still the season, so he’s still out for it.

Lowrie: Might be back this month.

Weiland: Didn’t know you could get the clap in your shoulder, didja?

Fanbase: Moved from day-to-day to extended DL.

Braves

Brandon Beachy: TJ surgery.  Out for season.

Matt Diaz: Right thumb injury.  Well, if you wouldn’t put it up Larry’s butt, that wouldn’t happen, would it?

Robert Fish: tendinitis.  15-Day.

Tommy Hanson: lower back strain.

Jair Jurrjens: Excess J’s.

Peter Moylan: Out indefinitely, like Gore Vidal.

Andrelton Simmons: fractured pinky. Undying sympathy of the entire duguout.  Sure.

Jack Wilson: dislocated pinky.  EVERYONE PROTECT YOUR FUCKING PINKIES OUT THERE!

Prrrrrromotions!

Friday:

Friday Night Fireworks.  How original.

STAR WARS NIGHT!  The Astros will be playing the part of the Bothans and the little kid Jedis.

Saturday:

Big Night Out: Celebrity chefs! Suites!  Oooh!

Fan of 1,000 Chops “Chop Off”: unfortunately, Chop Off doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Sunday:

Kids Run the Bases.  Only if we get some hits off Medlen.

What to watch for:

Your fingers covering your eyes.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

I have to check the calendar every year to see if the Marlins are good; odd year = good, even year = bad.  Fortunately, that puts us in a bad year, so hopefully we can beat up on these suntanned fuckers but good.

Probable Pitchers

Monday, May 7th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Carlos Zambrano (0-2 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, 2.53) v. Wandy Rodriguez (3-2, 1.64)

The Fat Fucking Fucker hasn’t won yet this year, though he’s pitched pretty well.  Still, fuck him with a hurricane.  Among current Astros, El Caballo has five homers and a 1.122 OPS against him; collectively, the team hits .306 against Z.  Let’s leave him fucking winless.

Wandy’s done okay, I guess.  /looks around for BBG’s.  Hanley Ramirez hits Wandy well, to the tune of 1.087 OPS and some dingers.  Logan Morrison’s adamantium skeleton hits him well too.  Zambrano himself has 6 K’s against Wandy, so none of that hero bullshit tonight.

Tuesday, May 8th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Anibal Sanchez (2-0, 2.43) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-0, 0.00)

Annabelle is a secretly great pitcher.  If there were Marlins fans, I’d feel sorry for them that he gets overlooked at a national level, but they don’t exist so whatever.  Among the starters, Big Johnson and J.D. Martinez hit him best, but overall it’s bubkis.  The Astros have never homered off Sanchez.

Aneury gets the call for the spot start in Weiland’s spot, which is mystifying since he’s arguably the fourth best starter at OKC.  I’d assume that there’s some service time reason.  Consider the 0.00 ERA a formality.  That said, none of the current Marlins have gotten a hit off of him. Small sample size (5 AB) will do that.

Wednesday, May 9th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Josh Johnson (0-3, 6.61) v. Lucas Harrel (2-2, 4.76)

The Marlins’ erstwhile ace has had a rough go of it in 2012.  He’s still got good stuff, though.  Against current Astros, only Carlos has had any AB’s against him, going .500 with a homer.  Everyone else gets to see him all brand new and shiny.

Harrell’s getting it done so far, albiet messily.  So long as he can get deep into the game, that’s good enough. Several Marlins have hit him well in a small sample size, but only Giancarlo Stanton has an extra base hit (a double) off him.

Injuries

(FOR YOUR FANTASY TEAM!)

Astros:

Sergio Escalona: Tommy Juan surgery

Kyle Weiland: elbow infection.  That’s a weird whorehouse he went to.

Rhiner Cruz: rehabbing a sore ankle.

Fishies:

Jose Ceda: Also Tommy Juan.

Prrromotions!

Monday: Pink Pashmina Scarf.  I’m vacillating between something self-deprecating about my fashion sense (I’d wear it!) and my sheer horror at the thought that this made it all the way through the marketing department without someone once saying, “why the fuck are we giving away old lady shawls at a baseball game?”  Choose whichever suits you.

Tuesday: Double Play Tuesdays.  Which I assume means that Jason Castro bats third.

Wednesday: Price Matters Days, presented by HEB.  No shit, HEB.

What to Watch For

Big Z getting taken to the woodshed.

Aneury’s Excellent ERA Adventure

Mr. The Altuve, Sir.  Have you given him your All-Star vote? Why the hell not?

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Lick Away

Much of the focus in the pre-season and afterwards with regards to the newly geographically specific Miami Marlins has been on their garish spaceship of a stadium.  Built with an amount of debt and tackiness that would doubly impress Donald Trump, it stands as the one bit of personality that the previous, generically Floridian Marlins lacked.   So they’ve got that.

And it couldn’t have happened to a classier city.  My one visit to that part of South Florida came around the time that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was out, and it was truly surreal to ride around in a cab, through what were certainly the levels I’d been playing the night before.  I’m pretty sure there are still some poorly-AI’ed police cars chasing me down there for all those pedestrians I smushed.

The other Marlins storyline has been their titanic jackass of a manager Ozzie Guillen.  One of these days, some maniac is going to assemble a team with Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley, Luke Scott, Kyle Farnsworth, Bryce Harper, Manny Ramirez, and A.J. Pierzinski on it, with Ozzie managing, Ugeuth Urbina as pitching coach and Barry Bonds as hitting coach.  Then they’ll sign lil Timmy Lincecum as a chew toy.

This whole season feels like the final week of classes to me.  Everyone’s really busy getting ready for that next step, and as much as you’ve been told that the Real World is better than College Life, you want to believe in your heart that an eternal stay in the college town of your choice would actually be a positive, affirming life decision.  Now, I’m not saying that the AL represents the Real World.  If anything, the Astros are graduating from a pensioned position at a Fortune 500 company to work as a fucking fry cook at the Dairy Queen in Nacogdoches.  But it feels like the end of school, because A) you want to believe that the Next Step won’t be so bad, and you wish you could just stay even though you can’t and B) you’re getting to see all of these people for the final time.  Good, bad and ugly, you’re never going to really see them except at the rare reunions or tailgates or whatever, and it won’t be the same.  And it fucking sucks.  Even that crazy guy that you just met last week, the one with the jumping slot machine fish in center field, you know there’s not anybody like that Out There.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, April 13th

6:10 CT, Krusty’s Fun World Stadium

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 0.00) v. Ricky Nolasco (1-0, 3.68)

Harrell had an impressive outing in his first Astros start, beating an old man and not giving up any earned runs.  He’s never faced the Fish before.  Here’s hoping he makes some sushi.  FISH PUNS!

Ricky Nolasco dresses like a member of Color Me Badd’s road crew. He’s a terrible person because of this single fact.  Chris Johnson is 3 for 7 against him, and Schreefer has a triple.  Everyone else is pretty meh against him.  Slap that sorry-ass excuse for a goatee off his face and let’s get to him early.  The Marlins relievers are having seizures in the bullpen due to the proximity to the home run sculpture thing.

Saturday, April 14th

6:10 CT, Frank Gehry Presents base\BALL Stadium

Bud Norris (0-0, 2.57) v. Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 6.00)

Bud’s off to a strong-ish start, with plenty of K’s against the Rockies on Sunday.  Against the Marlins, Greg Dobbs has homered off him, and Chris Coughlan is completely hitless in 11 AB’s.  Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Fuck Big Z. That is all.

Sunday, April 15th

1:10 CT, Amazing Technicolor Dream Park

J.A. Happ (1-0, 4.50) v. Anibal Sanchez (1-0, 2.84)

Jay started sloppy but came away with a win last week.  This is actually a pattern I can deal with over the course of a season.  Giancarlo “Joey Belle” Stanton has a homer off Happ, but bats .148 otherwise.  Collectively, the Marlins hit .200/.345/.311 against Happ, but Lord knows what effect having a highlighter-colored outfield wall will do as far as seeing the ball out of his hand.

Anibal, who not only has a girl’s name but also mis-spelled it, has been sneaky-good for the past couple of years.  Among the Astros, battery mates Happ and Castro are .500 against him and Justin Maxwell has a homer off him.

Prrrrromotions

It’s opening weekend at this particular new stadium.  Let that sink in before we proceed:

Post-racial America, everyone.

Friday: Post-game Daddy Yankee concert, sponsored by Cholula Hot Sauce.   Daddy Yankee, the poor man’s Pitbull, brought to you by a truly saucy wench.

Saturday: Saturday Spectacular.  No description is provided, so I can only assume it means Cuban sandwiches for all, DWI’s for some.

Sunday: It’s Family Sunday, and the first 5,000 kids get an Opening Weekend Poster.  When you stare at the poster, it looks like third place in the NL East.

Injuries:

Astros: Sergio Escalona is only mostly dead.  Jed Lowrie is back, baby.

Marlins: Jose Ceda (who looks like a clean shaven Rick Ross, appropriately enough), had Tommy Juan surgery.

What To Watch For

– The COLORS

– THE COLORS!

– A story bout a man named Jed, who played shortstop, even though Marwin is pretty decent already.

– The regression to the mean.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

No one can listen to every good thing out there.  We’re finite beings.  But that’s not going to stop people from trying.  I’ve been taking advantage of the depth and ease of Spotify to catch up.  Bands and artists I’ve known for years that I should be familiar with, or that I would just love if I took the time to listen are all there for the clicking.  So I’ve been taking advantage.  Like the rookies on the current Astros roster, I’ve found some winners and some AAAA players.  And also like the Astros, these initial impressions could be completely wrong.  Chris Johnson could end up a better player than Jimmy Parades.  I could change my mind about the excruciating qualities of Neil Young’s voice or my newfound love of Jawbreaker.

I have a sticky  note on my desk at work with the names of bands that have popped into my head periodically over the  past week.  I’m planning on looking them all up soon.  New Order.  Husker Du. The Birthday Party.  Eric B.& Rakim.  I’m enjoying the journey, being the rookie learning from these veterans.   Hopefully it’ll make my appreciation of the music I already love deeper, and opening some surprising new avenues.

This roster is far from a world beater.  It’s hard to make the case that even with every player at their full potential you’d have a shot at the NL Central title.  But there are some very talented kids out there on the final week of the season.  They’re worth a spin.

Probable Pitchers

Thursday, September 22nd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Henry Sosa v. Alex White

I predict a 9-6 Astros win.  MIND TAKER!

Friday, September 23rd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Drew Promeranz (1-0, 1.69) v. Brett Myers (6-13, 4.39)

A rookie.  Shit.  On the upside, his name sounds like a small dog.

Brett’s been pretty decent lately. Unfortuantely, the Rox hit .385 off him as a team, and he’s literally never gotten Jason Giambi out.  2011 Giambi, even.  Yikes.

Saturday, September 24th

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Jason Hammel (7-13, 4.85) v. J.A. Happ (6-15, 5.48)

Despite his shitty numbers this year, Hammel has our number pretty well.  Schafer and Quintero hit .333.  If they both bat about 9 times, we should be okay.  Math!

Happ has been a lot better since his return from OKC exile.  Carlos Gonzalez, the erstwhile Piggy Wigginton, something called Seth Smith and Kevin Karamazov, er Kouzmanoff all hit him pretty well, though.  However, only one RBI against him from the whole team.  So there’s that.

Sunday, September 25th

1:05 CT, MMPUS

Jhoulys Chacin (11-13, 3.66) v. Lucas Harrell (0-1, 2.00)

I can only assume that Mr. Chacin’s name is pronounced like “Julius”, but sweet mother of mercy, that’s awkward.  As punishment for a shitty name, he gets hit to the tune of .421 by the Mud and Blood.  Bogusevic and Q have hit him particularly well, including a homer for Q.

Meanwhile, the normally-named Harrell looks like a randomly generated baseball player from a mid-00’s video game.  Mark Ellis is 1-3 against him, Kouzamanoff is 0-fer in five AB’s, and no one else has seen him.  Hopefully they catch Astros Rookie Pitcher Syndrome (ARPS) against him.

Prrrromotions!

Okay, first off, I’ve never been able to find the clip that inspires me to add extra R’s to Promotions in every preview, but since I’ve already included one Birdman clip, I might as well post this.  It’s my favorite Colbert performance of all time.  No exceptions.

Friday:
50th Anniversary Cap
Fireworks
COLLEGE NIGHT! WHOOOOOOOOO!

Saturday:
50th Anniversary Blanket (noticing a theme yet?)

Oktoberfest  (with cheaper beer?  you wish!)

Sunday:

50th Anniversary T-shirt

Fan Appreciation (I’m going to this game, and I’m liking my odds of winning one of the giveaways, since there should only be 10 other fans there)

Kids Run the Bases!

Injuries

Astros

The usual suspects, plus Norris and Michaels, neither of whom will be seen again this year.  Michaels, maybe not again period.

Rockies

Holy shit, it’s like half their roster:

There’s nothin’ in the world
That you can do
You gotta come on up to the house
And you been whipped by the forces
That are inside you
Come on up to the house

Probable Pitchers

Friday, September 2nd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Zach Grienke (13-5, 4.05) v. Lucas Harrell (0-0, 0.00)

Grienke has been pretty good this year.  The only reason I know this is because he’s on my fantasy team.  So now I have that whole “who to root for” thing going.  I’m pulling for a 9 inning, 1 hit, 0-1 loss for Grienke.  Barmes hits him well, and the Little Guy and Borgey are 1 for 3 against him.

Harrell’s the waiver pick up from the ChiSox who’s put together a nice little run at AAA.  He’s making his debut tonight, so let’s all give him a big hand.

Saturday, September 3rd

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Chris Narveson (9-6, 4.28) v. Bud Norris (6-8, 3.68)

Narveson is back from the DL for cutting his thumb.  Because he cut himself with scissors.  I guess he never listened to that Weird Al album.  Altuve and Corporan are both over .400 against him, and Caballo is .375 with 2 taters.  Quick question: if Carlos stays in the league until he’s 40, he could conceivably be within spitting distance of 500 homers.  (Particularly if he starts DH’ing somewhere in 2013.)  Would that make him a beloved Thome-esque figure in the twilight of his career?

Bud’s put together a solid second half coming into this series against the Brewies.  Mark Fucking Kotsay is the only shlub from Wisconsin who hits him particularly well.  Everyone else is in the .200’s.

Sunday, September 4th

1:05 CT, MMPUS

Shaun Marcum (11-5, 3.24) v. Wandy Rodriguez (10-9, 3.43)

Marcum, the erstwhile Blue Jay, is hit well by Brett Wallace, which tells you that he’s right handed.  Other than that, whatever, he’ll be losing game 3 of the NLCS to the Phillies anyway.

Wandy is still here, and I’m glad for it.  Not because I distrust Wade or some such bullshit, but because I really do love watching him pitch.  When his curve is on, it’s one of the most devastating pitches I’ve ever seen.  Braun has his number, with 3 homers and a matching .375 average.  At least hold him to an inside the park triple, maybe.

Injuries

Astros

It’s all the same suspects.  Lyons, Castro, Arias.  Rinse and repeat.

Brewers

Brandon Kintzler – right forearm fracture.  Owwie.

Manny Parra – Expected the have a screw in his elbow replaced.  What do you expect from a guy whose name sounds like he came into the majors with Davey Lopes.

Mitch Stetter – hip labral irritation.  That’s what she said?

Rickie Weeks – left ankle sprain.  That’s what happens when you keep the nickname you got when you were four years old.

Prrrromotions!

Friday – fireworks.  Duh.

Saturday – Carlos Lee Bobblehead.  It bobbles for average, but not much power.

Sunday – Dog Day.  Not because it’s hot, but because you can bring your canine.

What to Watch For:

– The return of the Rodeo Clown, The Walrus, Big Johnson, Lil Lyles, and The Shucker.  (Sorry, ran out of steam there)

– Harrell’s first start

– The kids.  It’s all about the kids.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!!

Live from the Chavez Ravine!

Like everybody else, I’m enjoying watching the kids play, which makes the presence of hacks like Fulchino and Abad all the more infuriating.  I wish we had Bullpen Tinkerer Ed Wade back.

I stared at the blank screen for an hour before I could force myself to starting writing this preview.

Also, how quick before they paste J.D. Martinez’s face on one of the old Hunter Pence banners outside MMPUS?

If this seems scattershot, that’s because it is.

How many runs/wins better is Jordan Lyles if we cloned Barmes and installed him at all the infield positions?

I’m 3 for 4 as a mentor.  So far.  And it’s breaking my heart.  I saw the fourth kid for what will likely be the last time in a long time at Sunday’s game.  I can’t stop thinking about that game, the island in the sea of sadness and hurt and fucked up shit in his life.

That’s what every game should be.  And what no game should have to be.

Screw it.  Let’s stay up late and watch baseball.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 12th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Bud Norris (5-8, 3.73) v. Nathan Eovaldi (1-0, 3.60)

Bud’s put together a solid season, certainly better than the numbers indicate.  MLB.com tells us that he pitched six scoreless against the Dodgers, which probably means that (/goes to check) the bullpen blew it.  Yup.  1-0 loss.  Fuckers.  Anyway, Eithier, Kemp and Blake are the only hitters who are doing well against him.  Which sucks, since they’re like the backbone of the Bums right now.

We’ve never seen Nathan Eovaldi before.  Ahem.

Saturday, August 13th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Wandy Rodriguez (8-8, 3.52) v. Clayton Kershaw (13-5, 2.79)

Wandy is giving national sportswriters aneurysms right now; they can’t decide whether to castigate Wade for signing him to such an “exorbitant” contract, or for not finding a trade partner before the deadline.  Fuckers.  Only Juan Rivera, Blake, and Tony Gwynn The 2nd hit him over .300.

Kershaw’s putting up another solid season.  The good news is that Carlos hits .400 with a homer against him.  The bad news is that the only homer that Carlos will see on Saturday is Vin Scully.

Sunday, August 14th

3:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.88) v. Hiroki Kuroda (7-14, 3.01)

Lyles hasn’t faced L.A. before, so hopefully he shakes the Arizona sand out of his ass and whoops them.

Kuroda’s record is so out of whack with his ERA that you’d figure he was one of our starters.  Jokes!  Sanchez and Q hit .500 against him, and Carlos has .294 going for him.  Everyone else was still nursing the last time the Astros played the Dodgers.

Injuries

Astros:

Castro, Arias, Lyon: Duh.

Del Rosario: Working out in Houston.  Aren’t we all, man?

Jordan Schafer: Starting rehab next week.

Dodgers:

Johnathan Broxton: Bone spurs.  Ouch.

Rubby De La Rosa: let’s reflect on this guy’s name.  If his “date of birth” is also the same day that a DeLorean was seen in the parking lot of Lone Pine Mall, I think we have only one conclusion to draw: a Cuban League player killed Marty McFly.

Jon Garland: Of course he’s on the DL.  He’s so on the DL, he’s having sex with Will Smith.

Dee Gordan: day to day.  Crashing with Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv in the meantime.

Kenley Jansen: Sounds like a Kinkaid lacrosse player, right?  Nope.  He’s just a dark-skinned guy with an irregular heartbeat.

Vicente Padilla: apparently still exists.  Out for the season with a stiff neck.

Juan Uribe: Left hip strain.  That happens when you’re sixty.  Because Juan Uribe is old.

Prrrrrromotions!

Friday: Fireworks!  Is there an Angeleno version of Pam Gardner?  Apparently so.

Saturday: Hong-Chih Kuo Poster, brought to you by the Taiwan Tourism Board.  Come for the pitchers, stay for the possible attack from the mainland!

Sunday: Kids backpack.  All the hipster scriptwriters are going to wear them ironically.

What to Watch For:

The kids.  Duh.

Sorry for being dark.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!