5/22/17-5/25/17

Right on time.

WHAT HAPPENED LAST SERIES?

Nothing.  Let’s assume the Astros swept the Willow Cleveland Wahoos at home and nobody went on the DL for a pinched nerve or concussion.  Moving on.

WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS SERIES?

The Tigers (21-21) stroll into town with a blackjack in each pocket.  The Astros got knocked down last weekend and need to get back up on their feet.

MONDAY, MAY 22

Brad Peacock and The Bullpen will go 9IP, 1H, 0ER.  Ausmus is still dreamy.  1-0 Astros.  Book it.

TUESDAY, MAY 23 7PM

Zimmerman (4-2) v McCullers Jr. (4-1)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24 7PM

Norris (2-3) v Morton (5-3)

THURSDAY, MAY 25 7PM

Verlander (4-3) v Fiers (1-2)

INJURY REPORT

ASTROS

Gustave (right forearm, throwing shut down)

Keuchel (pinched nerve in neck, will miss one start)

McCann (concussion)

McHugh (now playing catch)

TIGERS

Adduci (katsaridaphobia)

ASTRO ANAGRAMS

1. Bang! Relax Me
2. A Racer’s Color
3. Oval Jet Use
4. Abs/Knives
5. Locators Tent
6. Bee Noisy. Out.
7. Cordial, Rad High
8. Jeff Kent
9. Harnessed Only
10. Sibyl’s Peril

BONUS

Bye, Acne Jar!

Apr 14-16 2017

I spent a few months in Oakland a few years ago, and I genuinely enjoy the town.  Sure, our courthouse got shot at overnight (the judge discovered her office windows were NOT bulletproof when she found a bullet lodged in her microwave).  Sure, the city smells like San Francisco farted.  And sure, a skinny white flower girl ran up and punched me on my way to work because I needed to “watch my skin.”  But this is all background noise when you consider the city’s great beer bars, great burger joints and a great baseball culture.

There’s a neat little hipster clothes store along Broadway Ave that sells t shirts with ironic slogans and those essential floppy stocking caps that Legolas seems to sponsor.  I bought a shirt with a picture of a bus on it.  I’m not really sure why.

The A’s were doing their bi-monthly “we gonna leave, give more moneyz” thing while I was there, and the neat little hipster clothes store had their seasonal collection of “stAy” memorabilia hanging in the windows.  One sunny Saturday they had a special guest that created a line out the door: Josh Fucking Reddick.

Now, as a distinguished beardsman, I both applaud and abhor this look.  I love the idea of just never shaving ever again, but at some point you cross the Harry and the Henderson’s line.  Nobody thinks that looks good.

And as I passed the neat little hipster clothes store on this sunny Saturday, I peeked inside and caught a Mentos-style freeze frame of the famous baseball sasquatch high-fiving a beer-bellied patron and thought – I love this guy.  The city loves this guy.  I wish he was on my team.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO HOUSTON?!?

THE SERIES

I’m currently living Craig’s daily nightmare in Arkansas, so the only baseball I get on TV is Cardinals and Rangers and Cubs.  As such, I have not seen a single inning of Astros baseball this year.  So my analysis, such as it is, is based on stats, the GZ and my imagination.

FRIDAY, 9PM CST ROOT

Keuchel (1-0, 0.64 era) v Graveman (2-0, 2.08 era)

Battle of the Aces.

SATURDAY, 3PM CST ROOT

McCullers, Jr (1-0, 2.77 era) v Maneanaena (0-1, 7.15 era)

Each starting pitcher’s last name begins with an M.  Also Jackie Robinson day.

SUNDAY, 3PM CST ROOT

Morton (0-1, 4.09 era) v Cotton (1-1, 3.97 era)

That kinda rhymes.

PROMOTIONS

Not a damn thing.  Come to the ballpark to watch baseball, you damn hippies, not for some shiny handout.

INJURIES

OAKLAND

John Axford – Head

Chris Bassitt – Shoulders

Sonny Gray – Knees

Daniel Mengden – Toes

Jake Smolinski – Knees

Joe Wendle – Toes

HOUSTON

McHugh – Right elbow, out at least six weeks

Paulino – Right elbow, out for awhile

Follow the series on the GZ!

Kansas City Royals (4-1) @ Houston Astros (2-4)

These fuckers again.

The defending World Series Champions return to Houston for the first time since dropping a seven-spot in the last two innings of Game 4.

The Royals continue to win; the Astros look to find a groove at home.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Chris Young (0-1, 3.60) v Collin McHugh (0-1, 135.00)

The last time Young faced the Astros was October 8 – Game 1 of the Division Series in Kansas City.  He came in relief of Yordano Ventura, throwing seven strikeouts in four innings while giving up a solo shot to Springer.  He pitched well throughout the playoffs, appearing in four games (2 starts) with one win and five earnies.  The gigantic Princeton grad threw five innings (2 runs) vs the steM last Tuesday and took the loss as Noah Synderrgaaaaaard blanked the Royals at home.

Collin McHugh looks to fill the hole in the ground he created in the Bronx last week (I assume Michael Feliz gave McHugh the World’s Biggest Swirly on his way to his new assignment).  Fortunately with just two outs he’ll surpass last week’s output and divide his gargantuan era by a number that’s less catastrophic.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Kris Medlen (0-0, n/a) v Mike Fiers (0-0, 9.00)

Medlen makes his first appearance of 2016 and first against the Astros since 2013, when, in what must be the most bizarre/sad outings ever, Rick Ankiel went 0-3, Ronny Cedeno went 1-2 and Wade LeBlanc went 0-2.  That’s it.  According to MLB.com those are the only players he faced, and he faced them multiple times.

Fiers looks to bounce back from his 5 IP/5 ER/2 HR/0 BB outing vs the Yanks last week.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Yordano Ventura (0-0, 3.60) v Scott Feldman (0-1)

Another helpful feature of MLB.com – I can now tell you that Yordano Ventura averages a spin rate of 2374 rpm, and his average extension is 5.49 feet.  I’m not sure how that helps this scouting report (damn stat geeks), but he walked six batters last week vs the Twins so I think he needs to extend his extension or something.

Feldman looks to bounce back from his 4 IP/4 ER/2 HR/3 BB outing vs the Brewers last week.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Ian Kennedy (1-0, 0.00) v Doug Fister

Kennedy adjusted well to playing for a team that actually expects to win games, pitching 6.2 shutout innings vs the Twins Saturday with 0 BBs and 7 Ks.  It must be that impressive 6.37’ extension.

Fister fisted well enough Saturday vs the Brewers, fisting 5 innings while fisting 3 ER and 6 fistouts.  He fisted the Royals once last year, when Jonny “No H or Z” Gomes somehow walked and struckout in the same at bat.

PROMOTIONS

 Monday –

2016 Schedule Magnet, presented by United Airlines – all games scheduled to begin one hour before they actually start.

Tuesday –

You’ll get nothing and you’ll like it.

Wednesday –

$1 hot dogs presented by Nolan Ryan’s beef.  Phrasing!

Thursday –

You’ll get nothing and you’ll like it.

INJURIES

Royals

Tim Collins – pica (out all year)

Jarrod Dyson –  micropisa (mid-April)

Mike Minor – Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome (June)

Jason Vargas – Aboulomania (late 2016)

Astros

El Oso Blanco Afeitada – Might be back tomorrow

McCullers – Expected to begin AA rehab assignment today

Stassi – wrist (6 weeks)

Follow the action in the GameZone!

May 18-20 2015

Minute Maid Park at Union Station

Houston, Texas, United States of America, North America, Earth, 29.7569° N, 95.3556° W

HOUSTON (AP) –

Jeff Luhnow is used to looking up.  Looking up to see his competitors in the standings.  Looking up to pray for divine intervention.  Looking up home remedies for duodenal ulcers.  After three years in the basement, the Astros GM had, literally, nothing beneath him.

But things changed this year, and it’s not just the play on the field that has things looking…better.

When the Mexico City native signed on as the Astros’ General Manager, he left a cushy front office gig high atop one of baseball’s premier organizations.  He was the Smartest Guy in the Room amongst a crosseyed and drooling cadre of transplant Missourian…ites (eers? akhans?) But Houston came a’calling and boom – he’s the new General Manager of a decaying MLB team with no prospects and shaky ownership.  Life was good, though.

Until it wasn’t.  The first missive Astros owner Jim Crane – his new boss – gave him was simple: Everything Must Go.

“I remember that conversation well,” Luhnow says now, scratching his temple.  “I knew we had to gut the team to produce a consistent winner – to rebuild the farm system.  Get rid of hometown-hero veterans.  But I didn’t realize how far [Jim] wanted to go with that.”

“It was fucking mayhem.”

Recent MLB callup Lance McCullers (and Luhnow draftee) remembers it well.  “It was crazy, you know.  Like last year I was in Lancaster – I had like a 5.47 ERA and I never ever ever faced the Oakland A’s.  But now, you know, I feel like I could hold them to one run in close to five innings.  Maybe scatter three hits and three walks amongst five strikeouts or so.  We’d probably lose 2-1, but that’s the kind of change we’re seeing this year.  And it’s all because Jeff’s got a real office this year.  I mean – dude shouldn’t be all tripping out or whatever young people say in the basement, you know?”

Jeff Luhnow arrived to his new job, Day 1, ready to conquer the world.  What he found was a nation stripped to rubble.

“There were desks, pushed off to the corners,” Luhnow remembers.  “Trash cans on fire, sticky notes fucking everywhere.  The 5^th floor had some sort of computer monitor bonfire thing going on.  The 4^th [floor] seemed to be dividing into astrological factions.  I couldn’t remember if I was an Aries or Leo.”

The days and months and years following the Crane coup are well-documented at this point, but Luhnow has seen it all – and seen too much – to forget.

“I spent two months in the fax mines – two fucking months – and I’d had enough.  I scored an old dial-up modem from Accounting and holed up in the corner of the women’s shower where nobody would find me.  Opened a window and started working.  Sig [Mejdal] was there.  He brought extra beef jerky.”

“I heard the stories, sure,” Astros starter Roberto Hernandez (nee Carmona) says.  “I mean I’ve been everywhere, seen everything. Like Cleveland and Philly and LA.  But I’ve got my ERA down to 4.12 and I should be able to at least, you know, not lose too badly against Sonny Gray [4-1, 1.61 ERA].  That shit Jeff went through, though, that shit was nasty.”

“I’d spend hours, maybe days, just staring at the ceiling,” Luhnow ponders.  “It was pristine.  I mean, is there a single woman on God’s blue earth who’s taken a shower at Minute Maid Park?  One?  The fucking thing was untouched – exactly as Its Creator designed it.  I may be going out on a limb here, probably not, but I swear all of life’s answers are embedded in the code of each those little plaster popcorn bits that hang like stalactites in the Houston Astros’ women’s shower.”

But all of life’s answers weren’t good enough for Jeff Luhnow, General Manager.  He ascribed petty titles to his minions to hide their numbers from the Mighty demi-Crab of the 4^th Order and the raving Fifth Floor Pillagers.  He assembled scouts and data-crunchers to find devise an escape route Rita Hayworth-style.  And then, on December 11, 2014, the day had come.

“No clue.  Never heard this story,” Houston ace Dallas Keuchel says.  “Back then I was coming off a solid season – a sub-3.00 ERA and 12 wins.  This year I’ve just been better.  I should easily dominate…who am I pitching against?  Jesse Hahn? Is that a person?  Ok, sure.  I’ll dominate Jerry Hahn.  I bet he’s 1-3 with a 4.42 ERA.  He’s got no special package.”

The Special Package, as it’s called in the Astros Front Office, came from Baltimore in exchange for RHP Jason Garcia.

“I talked to The Douche [Orioles GM Dan Duquette] via ham radio.  He’s a good guy.  His wife makes the best strudel.  Anyway, The Douche hooked me up on this one.  I shipped off some no-name Jordan Garcia for ‘cash’” Luhnow air-quotes.  “But written in that contract, which fucking Jim Crane signed, is a clause that grants me a corner office – with fucking windows – and a $400 stipend to re-plaster the ceiling to get that popcorn shit up there.”

And thus a dynasty was borne.  Jeff Luhnow, General Manager of the Houston Astros, now sits atop Minute Maid Park, in a brand new office.  He watches Jose Altuve grind out hits outside his window.  He grumbles at every strikeout.  He scans the stands to find a young family of four imploding in the 3^rd inning so they have to leave early and waste all of that money they spent.

But mostly, Jeff Luhnow looks down.  He looks down to see his competitors in the standings.  Looks down at those who defied and besmirched him.  Because right now – this very instance – he has nothing above him

Astros win series 2-1

A sweep would see the Astros return to an auspicious 72-90 record, which would be significantly more encouraging than the last time the team held that record during the disastrous 2000 Enron Field season.  At least the 2000 campaign inspired “72-90,” one of the greatest musical creations to have graced this Web site.  The staccato “Lima Time” repeating for every one of the 48 homers Jose gave up that season is sheer genius.  If someone can dig that up and find a way to post it again the world would be better off for it.

And what a year it was! I didn’t see much of it, but it sure sounded fun. Personally, this season marked a low point in actually seeing the team play.  The TV issues have been discussed to death.  Usually we’ll get out to 15-25 games a season, but I think this year we made it to only one game, and that was in April. Between the baby, a very busy summer at work, and the inability to watch the games on TV, I can’t remember a time since moving to Houston where there has been less Astros in my life and that depresses me.  Hopefully next year I’ll be able to engage with the team better.

Regardless, the Astros have still been a source of entertaining distraction and there’s plenty to be pleased with this season, even from afar. The emergence of Altuve as a legitimate impact player has been a blast, setting the team record in hits, leading the AL in hits and stolen bases, and likely becoming the first Astro to win a batting title.  If that pans out, Altuve will be the first player since 1945 to lead the league in those three categories and will no doubt earn many much-deserved down-ballot MVP votes.  Chris Carter has been a revelation since June 1, sitting at 37 homeruns on the season heading into the weekend with the second most homeruns in the league, three behind Nelson Cruz. On the mound, Keuchel and McHugh provided a shutdown one-two punch, and McHugh should receive some ROY votes. Feldman, once he recovered from his April injury, brought the veteran leadership and stability expected when he signed on. With Tropeano and Folty possibly moving to the rotation next year that is a promising starting five.  The bullpen hasn’t been completely awful, Qualls and FIELDS and Sipp have picked up some of slack left by season long injuries to Crain and Albers (mostly).  Fowler has been a good addition, when healthy (which seems to be his m.o.).  Corporan is a delightful backup catcher.  Marwin is doing yeoman’s work filling the hole at shortstop and Marisnick looks like he can possibly contribute at a Steve Finley-like level one day.

On the other hand, Singleton, Castro and Dominguez have disappointed.  Injuries to Springer and Correa have dampened the excitement of next year.  The pu pu platter of the likes of Grossman, Hoes, Presley, Krauss and Guzman aren’t much more than lineup fodder.  That being said, if Singleton can pull it together, if Castro can get back closer to his 2013 offensive contributions, and Springer and Correa can recover from their injuries, there is a good chance that the next few years could be a lot of fun. Castro, Singleton, Altuve, Dominguez, Correa, Fowler, Marisnick, Springer and Carter is far from an awful lineup offensively and actually pretty decent defensively (especially Carter at DH).  The pitching could continue to improve with more prospects in the pipeline.  There’s actually a way to see this all come together if you squint and drink enough.

Regardless, we can all take some measure of satisfaction that several players have blossomed, the team has certainly improved this season and there are encouraging signs that the Luhnow-plan is working.  It’s much more enjoyable to follow a team that is merely awful rather than abjectly so. Hell, next year we may even be able to watch the fucking games on TV.

Let’s hand out some team awards:

MVP:  Altuve

Cy Young: Keuchel

ROY:  McHugh

Rolaids Relief-man: Qualls for the most part.  Anyone else when facing the A’s.

Most improved: Carter

Biggest disappointment: Singleton

Saddest development: Oh no, not Correa!

Manager of the year:  Tom Lawless

Front office ambassador of the year:  Mike Fast

Let’s not forget the important RACE FOR THE LID update:
In play we have Reuben sitting on 69 in case the team just can’t bring themselves to finish the season without a soul-sucking losing streak that they are half way into already. Hudson Hawk has 70 if the good guys can only take one in Queens.  Believen at 71 wins with a winning series and yours truly will take home the lid if the Astros can pull off the sweep.

Friday, September 26, 2014
Citi Field, 6:10 CT

Brad Peacock (4-9 4.82)
Peacock was knocked around by Seattle in his last start, surrendering 7 runs (2 earned) and 10 baserunners in just three and a third.  Only four Mets have faced him before, with Ruben Tejada getting the only hit. In his last nine starts he’s 1-3 with a 5.65 ERA, allowing 43 runs and 25 hits in 43 innings with 37 strikeouts.

Jonathan Neise (9-11 3.50)
Niese has been pitching well his last three starts, averaging 7 innings and less than 2 runs over that time frame. He’s looking to finish the year establishing a career low in ERA and a career high in innings pitched.

Saturday, September 27, 2014
Citi Field, 6:10 CT

Samuel Deduno (0-1 5.79)
Did you know Deduno is making his first start for the Astros?  I think we claimed him off waivers from the Twins earlier this season.  He’s 2-4 with a 6.52 ERA, including a loss to Houston in games he started this season.

Rafael Montero (1-3 4.38)
Montero is a rookie but has pitched well in his last few appearances with 9 K’s over 6.2 innings to a tune of a 1.35 ERA. Obviously no Astro has faced him in the major leagues.

Sunday, September 28, 2014
Citi Field, 12:10 CT

Nick Tropeano (1-2, 3.78 ERA)
Nick has pitched well since his callup and gets the final call for the good guys’ campaign.  Fitting that it should end in the hand of someone who should be a big part of the team’s near future.  Also, Tropeano is from nearby West Islip, NY and will get the honor of pitching in front of friends and family in the big leagues.

Bartolo Colon (14-13, 4.08 ERA)
A seventeen year career!  And he’s still somehow getting it done for the most part.  He’s been scuffling lately dropping two out of his last three starts.  Historically he’s gone 6-3 with a 3.50 ERA and 43 K’s in his career against the Astros.  Altuve has hit him to the tune of .3357 over 14 at bats.  Castro has gone 6-9 against Colon in his career including a homerun, but he’ll probably sit this one out.

It’s always sad to say goodbye to the baseball season, but this season for the first time in many years there is actually quantifiable reasons to be excited for the promise of next year.  In the meantime, Astros lose 2-1.  Hudson is always right.

The Void beckons. Damn us all.

Seattle Mariners (81-70) @ Houston Astros (67-85) through Wednesday

As the season draws to a close, it seems only fitting that our final homestand should be closed out with another chapter in the long and storied history with our natural rivals. Traditions like this are a big part of what makes baseball so special. And although this season is wrapping up, it’s exciting to learn that we’ll open next season hosting another of our long-time rivals, the Cleveland Indians. We are truly blessed.

And it’s not just this season that’s winding down: the reign of one Bud Selig as commissioner is as well. The accomplishments of this great man are legion: his decisive leadership in transforming the All-Star game from the travesty that it used to be into a game that now means something; his adroit handling of the perfidy of the traitorous Montreal club; his brave and principled stand for visiting teams’ rights in stadia with retractable roofs; his astounding flexibility with scheduling in the face of natural disasters; his even-handed and transparent pursuit of justice in the PED scandal; and, of course, his delivery of the Astros to their rightful home in that most historic and glorious of divisions, the AL West. As we near the end of his tenure, we should all pause to think about what baseball might look like without his 23 years at the helm. I know I do every day.

There have been a lot of changes in the projected starters for this series, so I’m not very confident that I’m giving you the correct information here. But it’s a start.

Friday, September 19, 7:10 CDT

Taijuan Walker (1-2, 2.96) vs Brad Peacock (4-8, 4.80)

This is Walker’s first big-league start since July 23^rd, and only his fourth appearance since then. In his three relief appearances this month, he’s pitched 9.0 innings giving up 10 hits and 3 runs (2 earned), with 7 strikeouts and 2 walks. Those aren’t bad numbers, but they came against the Oakland and Texas, not the juggernaut that is the current Astros offense, and not in the intimidating environment of MMPUS. On the other hand, current Astros have a .196/.260/.326 line against this guy in 50 plate appearances over the last two years, so who knows what we’ll see.

Peacock is carrying a 4.80 ERA for the year, but since August 11^th he’s had a 2.90 ERA in 6 starts and 31.0 innings. Current Mariners have a .280/.369/.449 line against Peacock in 122 plate appearances, so between that, his 5 inning average, and his recent back issues, the bullpen had better be ready for some action in this one.

Saturday, September 20, 6:10 CDT

Chris Young (12-8, 3.33) vs Dallas Keuchel (11-9, 3.00)

Young has basically been a 5 or 6 inning guy over the last couple of months, except for a 0.2 inning gem against Oakland on September 1^st in which he gave up 5 earned runs. Let’s hope for one of those on Saturday. Current Astros have an uninspiring .178/.288/.356 line against him, but Fowler is 4-10 with 3 walks in 13 appearances. Of course, that means everybody else has been really dismal.

Keuchel has matured into a genuine major-league pitcher this year. He certainly doesn’t have dominating stuff, but he seems to be extremely composed and mentally tough, and he gets ground balls at a rate that limits the damage hitters can inflict. In his last 8 starts going back to the beginning of August, his ground ball/fly ball ratios are 14/7, 11/9, 14/3, 19/6, 19/6, 15/6, 14/11, and 14/4. That’s some impressive work. The history of current Mariners against Keuchel bears that out: they’ve got a .222/.263/.333 line against him in 115 plate appearances over the last three years, and a .183/.216/.254 line in 75 plate appearances this year. He is probably a very frustrating guy to bat against, especially when you start to worry about what might crawl out of that beard. I think he can be a valuable pitcher for a long time (he’s 26 years old now).

Sunday, September 21, 1:10 CDT

Hisashi Iwakuma (14-8, 3.42) vs Collin McHugh (10-9, 2.66)

Iwakuma is a pretty good pitcher, but in his last 5 starts he seems to be showing evidence of fatigue, going 2-2 in 21.1 innings with a 9.28 (!) ERA. The Astros have fared pretty well against him, sporting a .286/.308/.408 line, with the mighty Altuve leading the way at 9-22 in 25 plate appearances, including a couple of doubles and 3 sac flies. Marwin Gonzalez also seems to have him figured out, hitting .583/.583/.917 in 12 at-bats. Bring the lumber, guys.

McHugh is coming back after taking a line drive off his left wrist in his start last Monday. Hopefully that won’t affect him this time out. McHugh has been positively studly since the beginning of August: the Astros are 7-2 in the 9 games he has started, and he is 6-0 with 60 innings and a 1.50 ERA. Current Mariners have a .169/.216/.337 line against McHugh in 88 plate appearances this year. He has had a fine season, and it’s fitting that he gets to wrap up the final home series of the year.

Injuries

Mariners

Willie Bloomquist (2B, knee) and Roenis Elias (P, elbow) are both out for the season. Isn’t there some sort of rule about having four or five pitchers on the DL? I knew these guys were cheaters.

Astros

This week the Astros finally admitted what the rest of had suspected for a while: Springer is done for the year. Albers, Cisnero, Crain, Zeid are also done for the year, but none of those is a surprise.

Promotions/Giveaways

Jackpot! It’s the last homestand of the year, so there’s something going on every day. Friday night is fireworks night, and after the game they’ll also put on a fireworks show. People who still have hair can get it cut during the game in Home Run Alley. Saturday is the Fiestas Patrias Event. Although I’m not sure what all that will entail, I’ll bet it involves Ziegenbock. Sunday is Fan Appreciation Day. The first 10,000 folks will get a 2014 team poster (I wonder when they took the photo; it could be kind of fun to go through: “yup, yup, nope, nope, yup”). They’ll be giving away stuff every half inning, and some of it may even be desirable. Maybe. Let’s hope a television contract is in there somewhere.

And congratulations to Josh Hader and Brett Phillips, who will be introduced before Sunday’s game as the Astros’ minor league pitcher and hitter of the year, respectively. I look forward to watching them at MMPUS in a year or two.

SEPTEMBER 8-10, 2014

Under new management, the surging Astros have taken four of five from the A’s and Angels and now head to the MLB hinterlands of the Pacific Northwest to continue playing the role of AL West SPOILER. The Mariners sit nine games out of first place in the American League West, but are in position to take one of the two Wild Card spots, which would be their first postseason berth since 2001. Currently the bunting tossers are tied with the free falling A’s, half a game up on the Tigers with the Yanks and Indians sitting within five games.  TO THE BILGE WITH THEM!

The current September version of the Astros seems light years away from last year’s September version, who swooned to a 15 game season ending losing streak.  However, last year the Astros managed to go 7-5 before ending with the 15 game crapper, so we’ll get a useless metric of illusory progress based upon how the last half of the month goes.

Meanwhile, Altuve continues his quest to cap one of the all-time great Astro offensive seasons by eclipsing Biggio’s club hit record of 210 hits.  Altuve leads the Major Leagues in batting average (.340), hits (198) and is first in the American League with 51 stolen bases. Carter continues his quest for 40 homeruns and an enormous arbitration award. The starting rotation continues to come together, and Qualls won’t be facing the A’s anymore.  This is actually kind of fun.

Monday Sep. 8, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Brad Peacock (4-8 5.01 ERA)

Great name, mediocre pitcher.  It’s like the opposite if Felix Hernandez were named Gerald Feltcher. But Brad has been pitching well over his last few starts, going 1-0 with 2.16 ERA in 16.2 innings.  Over his career, Peacock is 2-3 against the Crusty Seamen with a 6.98 ERA.   Ackley and Morales have hit him particularly hard.

Felix Hernandez  (14-5 2.18 ERA 37 BB 209 K)

He’s the fucking king.

Tuesday Sep. 9, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Collin McForkingHuge 8-9 2.89 ERA)

McHugh has continued to be McForkingHuge, going 4-0 with a 1.79 ERA in his last seven starts. Despite tossing that initial gem in Seattle when he was first called up, he’s been knocked around for a couple of losses in his last two bouts against the grog snarfing blaggards.  Time for some revenge.

Roenis Elias  (10-12 3.90ERA)

Roenis makes the most of the vowels in his name.  And he’s made the most of his work against the Astros, allowing only 3 hits in 19 at bats against the good guys. However, he hasn’t been able to pitch deep into games regularly which gives a chance to get into the downy seagull underbelly of the Mariners’ no doubt well rested bullpen.

Wednesday Sep. 10, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Nick Tropeano (naught)

And here is our September callup major league debut.  The 24 year old went 9-5 with a 3.03 ERA in 23 games (20 starts) at Triple-A Oklahoma City this season with 120 strikeouts and a .202 batting average against in 124 2/3 innings.

Hishashi Iwakuma  (14-6 2.97 ERA)

Iwakuma has been the 1-B to King Felix’s 1-A for the Cropswaggles this season. He’s scuffled as of late, dropping 2 of his last 3 games with a 7.24 ERA over 13.2 innings pitched therein. But historically he’s done well against the Astros – no great feat of course – with a career 4-2 record with a 2.56 ERA against the good guys.  Altuve hits him too, as has Dominguez.

Lawless seems to have the team on an even, relaxed keel.  By all media accounts he seems to be a charming person.  He also doesn’t give a fuck about your idea of pitching matchups which seems as anti-advanced data metrics as you can get:

Lawless, who spent a lot of time on the bench as a player watching former Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog, said he’s not big on matchups, such as left-handed pitchers have to face left-handed batters.
“If you can’t go out there and pitch an inning and get three outs, then maybe you’re not a Major League pitcher,” he said. “That’s why games are five hours long, because we drag them. Get three outs and play on.”

Hear hear. But really, is that the comment of someone in lock step with the organizational philosophy espoused by Luhnow and his collection of affectionately likeable nerds? Regardless, the team is playing well, having fun, getting some good experience for young up and comers and whippersnappers, and fucking over their rivals’ post-season chances in the process.  So far, it’s been about as perfect a September as a team that is no longer abjectly awful can hope for.

The burgoo gibees take two of three.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am!

Los Angeles Angels of Anahem (83-53) @ Houston Astros (59-79)

After a nice, leisurely 3-1 series victory against the Rangers (suck it, bandwagoners!), the Astros host the Angels for a two-game quickie. One team is 30 games over .500, and the other is 20 games under: what could possibly go wrong? Whatever, it’s not Bo Porter’s problem anymore.

Tuesday, September 2, 7:10 CDT

C.J. Wilson (10-8, 4.46) vs Brad Peacock (3-8, 5.13)

Wilson is 1-0 with a 2.60 ERA in his last three starts despite giving up 17 hits and 11 walks in 17.1 innings. The Astros roughed him up on July 4, scoring 6 runs (on 3 homers) before knocking him out of the game in 4.1 innings. He had a couple of stinkers after that, too, but since then he has averaged almost 6 innings per game with a 3.34 ERA. The Astros have 118 plate appearances against him, so they have a pretty good idea of what they’re going to see. And Carter likes what he sees: he’s got a .364/.417/.727 line against Wilson with two homers and two doubles.

Peacock’s last two outings have been pretty good, although brief: 5.0 innings, 2 hits, and 1 earned run against Cleveland, and 5.1 innings, 4 hits, and 1 earned run against Oakland. Prior to that was one bad start, one good one, two bad ones, and a good one. So we’re probably due for a stinker. The fact that current Angels are a combined .302/.356/.491 in 59 plate appearances against Peacock isn’t particularly encouraging, especially since The Smirking Asshole is 2-5 with a double and a homer.

Wednesday, September 3, 7:10 CDT

Jered Weaver (15-7, 3.57) vs Collin McHugh (7-9, 2.99)

Jered Weaver has 15 wins? How did that happen? His worst start in August was a 4-2 loss to the Red Sox in which he gave up 7 hits and 4 earned runs. His other 5 starts have yielded 4 wins and a no-decision, with 32 hits and 10 runs (all earned) in 31 innings, so he seems to be on a roll. Current Astros have 59 plate appearances against him and have managed only a meager .164/.193/.345 line against him. Bleaaahhhh.

McHugh has been a very pleasant surprise this year. In his 21 starts, he has yielded 5 earned runs twice and 4 earned runs twice; everything else has been 3 earned runs or less. His August has been especially impressive: 8 earned runs on 37 hits in 37.2 innings, for a 1.99 ERA. Very nice work. His career numbers against current Angels are impressive, too: 62 plate appearances and a .185/.279/.259 line. The only blemish is, again, The Smirking Asshole, who is 3-7 with a homer and a walk against McHugh. Let’s hope nobody is on base when he comes up.

Injuries

Angels

The Angels have a whole bunch of pitchers on the DL, most of whom aren’t due back until next year (and one, Tyler Skaggs, who isn’t due back until 2016 because of Tommy John surgery a couple of weeks ago). The biggest loss, for both the Angels and one of my fantasy teams, is Garrett Richards, who did something that I still can’t describe when he went to cover first base on a ground ball, resulting in torn knee ligaments and an early end to the season. Joe Thatcher is the only pitcher who might be back this year; he sprained an ankle on August 23 and is just now starting to throw again.

Astros

There are seven Astros on the DL. Albers and Crain are apparently both throwing now, but I don’t expect to see either make an appearance this season. Cisnero and Zeid are out until next season. Presley and Downs are now on rehab assignments and should return to the team soon. And, of course, Springer, who has seemingly been on the verge of returning for a couple of weeks now. Gonzalez apparently has a tender hammie and hasn’t played in a few days. Evidently it’s not enough to merit a trip to the DL, and I suspect that management is happy enough to have the opportunity to get an extended look at Petit.

Promotions/Giveaways

You’re kidding, right? You’ll get to watch Altuve, and you’ll like it. You’ll get a Coca-Cola Value night on Wednesday as a bonus. And I imagine that there is still some Ziegenbock available.

Cleveland, Ohio.  August 22-24, 2014

The Astros head to Cleveland after taking the Northeast’s medialiths Red Sox and Yankess down a notch, winning a combined four out of seven from the marquee teams of MLB.  The Astros end up taking four out of six on the season series against the Yanks, which according to my friends and family in The City have caused Bronx Nation to officially give up on the season.  Other than the wins, my favorite story of the road trip was Keuchel inviting the host parents he stayed with for two summers in the Cape Cod League to attend the game he pitched on Friday.

The Astros have been on an offensive tear until running into the rejuvenated Brandon McCarthy on Thursday, who shut out the team who had been leading the league in runs scored since July 1.  Fortunately the good guys will miss squaring off against Tribe ace Corey Kluber, who has come out of nowhere this year to vie for the Cy Young award.

I’ve never been to Cleveland, and see no reasonable reason why I ever will.  Perhaps work will bring me to the shores of the Cuyohoga but that would be the only reason.  But the city, and the Indians, hold a special place in my heart simply because of Major League.  Major League and The Naked Gun were the formative comedies of my youth that I actually saw in movie theaters with a crowd rather than at home on the VCR when I thought my parents didn’t realize I was watching Airplane! or Caddyshack.  I was 11 years old when Major League hit the theatres, and it was the first cuss and sex filled movie I ever saw in the movie theatres and could laugh along with the crowd.  It also happens to be one of the funniest baseball movies ever made and holds up well even to this day.  When it appeared on TV my brother and I recorded it and fucking wore out that VCR tape watching it over and over.  I particularly love all the ridiculous overdubbing of the cursing in the TV version, and my brother and I will still tell each other to “strike this [GUUUUYYY] out!” during the final scene when Roger Dorn confronts the wild thing.

I owned the cassette of the movie soundtrack because I was that kind of kid whose primary relationship to music was always through some other medium.  As a middle schooler I wore out the soundtracks to Major League and The Lost Boys.  I credit those soundtrack with sparking my appreciation of Randy Newman, Roy Orbison and The Doors.  I guess David Lynch sealed my love of Roy Orbison years later in Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive, but it all started with Major League.

Oddly enough there is an original alternate ending to the movie where it is revealed that Rachel Phelps never wanted to move the Indians to Miami, but according to Wikipedia invented “the Miami scheme and adopted a catty, vindictive persona to unify and motivate the team. As the players believed that she wanted the Indians to fail, she was able to conceal that the team could not afford basic amenities such as chartered jet travel behind a veil of taking them away to spite the players.”  I’m glad they changed the ending to make her a pure villain because that is fucking stupid.

Ah Cleveland, city of lights.  City of magic.  It took me years to realize that Cleveland wasn’t some wondrous land of mystical possibilities but that Newman was making fun of the fact that they managed to set their river on fire.

Friday, August 22, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Brad Peacock (3-8 5.47 ERA)

Peacock’s best asset is his name.  He’s 0-3 with a 10.80 ERA and a 2.35 WHIP in his last five starts, is coming off a no-decision Saturday in the team’s 10-7 loss to Boston. He allowed six runs (five earned), seven hits and two walks in 4 1/3 innings.

Carlos Carrasco (5-4 3.27 ERA)

Carrasco is making his third straight start since moving to the rotation from the bullpen.  He’s thrown shutout ball in his last two starts over 12 innings notching a pair of wins in the process, allowing only five hits along the way.

Saturday, August 23, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Collin McHugh (6-9 3.00 ERA)

After a mid-season blip, Collin McFuckingHuge has settled back in to the form he showed beginning with his spot start for Feldman in Seattle back in April.  He still has the best starter’s ERA on the team and has allowed exactly one run in each of his last four starts (four total in 25 1/3 innings).

Danny Salazar (4-6 4.79)

After blowing away the league in his call up season, Salazar has had an up and down season.  As in, he’s been sent down to the minors and called up on multiple occasions.  His most recent major league campaign has been pretty respectable, going  3-2 with a 3.67 ERA and 26 strikeouts in 27 innings over his last five starts.

Sunday, August 24, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Brett Oberholtzer (4-8 4.01 ERA)

Oberholtzer has really settled in during his current stint in the rotation.  Prior to Tuesday’s game in the Bronx, Brett pitched 11 consecutive outings of at least six innings each.  In the last six of that run, he was 2-1 with a 2.63 ERA. The team is 6-1 in his last seven starts.

Trevor Bauer (4-7 4.41 ERA)

Despite the fact that Pedro Serrano went on to much greater fame as President David Palmer, Trevor ain’t fucking Jack.  Hopefully the good guys can get to him early as he has a 5.68 ERA in the first inning this year.

Injuries, there are a few.  Qualls has been sidelined with a stiff back, but should be ready for this series.  Jessie Crain was nice enough to join the team in NYC because he is drawing a paycheck after all.  Springer went to Boston to see some of his Connecticut family.

Cleveland facts:
Cleveland is home to the first ever traffic light.
Native sons include Jesse Owens, Langston Hughes, Don King and Arsenio Hall.  And Drew Carey, I guess.
Cleveland hasn’t won a major sports championship since the Browns won the NFL title in 1964.
Would you like to pet a real police horse?

Good guys manage to avoid a sweep.

The Houston Astros’ (52-73, 4^th in AL West) stable hands unloaded several star-emblazoned covered wagons at Yankee Stadium Monday night, all too aware of the significance of the upcoming series.  For many, the trip to New York has been a lifelong dream.  After years toiling in the minor leagues, only to be “called up” to the big leagues in, of all places, Houston, a trip to the Big Apple is the modern-world’s equivalent of eating Foie Gras at Betony’s for the first time.

Where will they park their horses?  Did they bring their own spittoons?  They know spurs aren’t welcome at Eleven Madison, right?  Let’s hope they branded one of their saddles with a subway map.

But while our friends from the dusty Old West gather their bearings in the bright lights of The City, a larger question looms: Just how awesome is Derek Jeter?

1996 Rookie of the Year, 2000 World Series MVP, five-time Gold Glove winner and easily the best Yankee shortstop in the past 20 years.  3,436 career hits.  Five World Series wins.  Celebrity girlfriends.  Celebrity poker buddies.  A smile that glistens in darkness.  Skin as soft and supple as the sand at Wainscott Beach.  Eyes that inspire men to act boldly, confidently; as if the weight of the world is but that of a feather.  Biceps that bulge bravely beneath pin-striped sleeves.  A scent that both attracts and deters West African lions.  This is where he resides when the world is awake; otherwise he lives in our dreams.

But do the Astros Re2pect him?  Surely they admire him and have watched almost all of his games, but do they really know what they’re getting into this week?  This is THE LAST TIME they will EVER play against DEREK JETER at YANKEE STADIUM.

I’m not sure they’re worthy.

Tuesday 8/19/14

Oberholtzer (4-8) vs Capuano (1-3)

First 10,000 fans get the chance to be the first 10,000 paying customers to look at Derek Jeter.

Wednesday, 8/20/14

Feldman (6-9) vs Pineda (2-2)

Hal Newhouser Bobblehead Night

Thursday, 8/21/14

Keuchel (10-8) vs McCarthy (7-12)

First 20,000 get Derek Sings Sinatra compilation album.

Astros Injuries

Nothing new

Yankees Injuries

Tanaka isn’t available.

Follow the action in the GZ!