But to be honest with you, I’m not sure I could even rustle up enough air to puff a weak fart in the Cardinals’ direction anymore. I’d give it a good effort, but I might accidentally shart instead (which is more productive and what they actually deserve) but I don’t have any Jake jerseys handy to wipe with.

I mean, really, who gives a shit about the fucking Cardinals now? I still say fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads – you know, just on general principle – but the passion just isn’t there. It’s just a reflex. They don’t even LaGenius to hate anymore.

Hell, for that matter, it’s hard to even get fired up about the Astros. I can’t watch them on TV. And I don’t mean “Ugh, these guys suck, I can’t fucking watch this.” I mean it as, “Where the fuck are the Astros? They aren’t even on my goddamn TV anymore. I’ve got 9,000 fucking channels and not one of them has the Astros.” So everything I learn about the team, I get from reading you guys.

It’s not like I’ve given up, though. I’ll always be a fan, and the Rangers can always go fuck themselves. And if Dark Star wants to wheel me out of storage once in a while to tell fart jokes about the dumbass Jakes, I’ll try to provide a blast of hot air. And if I accidentally blow mud … well, he’s also got me scheduled for a Cincinnati series in September, so all we need is a bowl of noodles.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 25, 7:10 p.m. CDT

Wednesday, June 26, 7:10 p.m. CDT

Speaking of throwbacks, I remember way back in the olden days of writing series previews, when I lived on the other side of the fucking country, this was the spot on the page where I’d list the various broadcast channels, cable channels, satellite channels, and premium channels where you and I could watch the Astros. On television. In our very own living rooms. Someday you can tell your grandkids about it, and they’ll think you’re either senile or a goddamn liar, and send your ass to the old folks home. Hopefully the rest home will at least have the correct cable package for watching ballgames.

Notable giveaways

Giveaways? Under this management? They can’t even get the fucking games on TV, so don’t even think you’re going to get a free tote bag or bobblehead or whatever the fuck. And if they did have a giveaway, it would be for the goddamn Jake fans, since there will be more of them in the stands. Hell, if this were a Red Sox series they’d get a Neil Diamond concert and fireworks show.

Actually, there is one thing that will be freely given today, and that’s boos for Carlos Beltran. Well, if anyone in the stands remembers who he is. He was that fucking Mets knob who struck out looking to end the 2006 NLCS. And some bullshit a year before that, but I can’t remember what. By the way, the Whore is 0-for-5 against both Astros pitchers in this series.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Jake Westbrook (3-2, 1.76) v. Lucas Harrell (5-7, 4.32)

Westbrook is making his third start after coming off the DL. Jose Altuve is 3-for-7 against him. Carlos Pena has faced Westbrook more than all the other Astros put together, going 11-for-38 with six doubles and four homers, though a lot of that was probably so long ago, the majority of the Astros were still playing T-ball.

All the Cardinals have seen Harrell, and most of them have liked what they’ve seen. Especially David Freese, Allen Craig, and Yadda Yadda Yadda.

Wednesday

Lance Lynn (10-1, 3.42) v. Eric Bedard (2-3, 4.43)

Lynn is 4-0 against the Astros with a 1.42 ERA. The only Astro who has more than one hit against him is Brett Wallace, and, well, you know, he’s not really available. Everyone sucks against Lynn, but Justin Maxwell is especially bad, going 0-for-6 with four strikeouts. Is he even still on the team? I can’t keep up with all these roster moves.

Everyone on the Cardinals has seen Bedard, and done pretty well against him. Matt Holliday is 8-for-20 against him and Allen Craig and Yadda Yadda both have homers. Oh, and so does Ty Wigginton. Ty Wigginton? Damn, I guess all the old Astros pass through St. Louis before they retire. Next thing you know, Twinkie will be a Ranger and Roy will be a Rukkake.

Injury Report

St. Louis – Most of the Cardinals I’ve heard of are all out for the season, those being Chris Carpenter, Jaime Garcia, Jason Motte, and Rafael Furcal. Holy shit, Rafael Furcal? Really? My how time flies. It seems like just yesterday he was being sent to jail after the Astros eliminated the Braves from the playoffs. Oh, where does the time go?

Also, two Cardinals I never heard of – Salas and Gast – are on the DL. Whatever.

Houston – Gonzales, Crowe, and White are on the DL. I’m not sure who they are, but I hope they get better. I mean get well.

Balls in the Dirt

* Hey, speaking of old Astros, I went to a couple of Arkansas Travelers games this month and saw Tim Bogar and Mike Hampton. Bogar is the manager and Hampton is pitching coach. Hampy still has that silky smooth glide when he’s walking to and from the mound, with his head down and short steps. He’s clean-shaven though, so I almost didn’t recognize him. Bogar looks the part of hard-ass manager – he argues with the umps like a boss.

* I love most of the sweet new uniforms the Astros are wearing – they’re throwbacks that actually flew in a circle until they were new again. But look, that DayGlo orange shit they wore in Chicago has got to go. Those bright-ass jerseys look like something a goddamn New York Met would wear, for fuck’s sake. The only time a man should wear something that orange is when he is hunting deer.

*** BREAKING NEWS UPDATE ***

Former Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood found a dead body while paddleboarding in a Chicago harbor today. Wood did not touch the deceased person, but suffered a separated shoulder while paddling over to investigate. He also blew out his right elbow while calling 9-1-1. Both Wood and the cadaver will be sent to Dr. Andrews for reconstructive surgery. The cadaver is expected to report to spring training and will most likely begin the 2014 season at Iowa, with a probable mid-season call-up to the Cubs.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

]]> http://www.orangewhoopass.com/2012/09/07/astros-at-reds-%e2%80%93-the-worst-backyard-in-town/ Fri, 07 Sep 2012 05:05:08 +0000 http://www.spikesnstars.com/?p=10953 This shitty season is finally lurching to its end, with one last farewell tour through the Central. But instead of saying goodbye to old friends and their drunk fans and familiar ballparks, this feels more like good riddance to shitty neighbors you never want to see again. Especially the ones who have the worst backyard cookouts and let their stupid dogs shit all over the place.

When I was a kid, I think the Reds were my first favorite team. I didn’t live close enough to Houston to get the Astros on TV, and the Rangers weren’t around yet. But on the Game of the Week I’d see Johnny Bench and this rookie Pete Rose, and that seemed like a good team to follow. My parents finally made me quit practicing my headfirst slide after I knocked the wind out of my asthmatic self one too many times.

Which was just as well, because luckily I got older and outgrew the shit-bag Reds. And I never really thought about the fuckers again until the Astros ended up in the Central. One of the most satisfying bets I ever won was against a Reds fan during the playoff runs in the late ’90s. She had to cook dinner for me and my wife, and planned on making goddamn noodle chili until my wife heard about it and put a stop to that nonsense. I think we had enchiladas or something; I couldn’t really taste it because of all the gloating I was doing.

And those are really the only times I ever paid much attention to the dumbshit Reds, except to laugh out loud at them when appropriate. But now here we are now, looking up at the goddamn Dickities on top of the division, and they’re damn near leading the whole National League. The only team above them is the ExpoNationals, if you can believe that shit. This neighborhood has gone straight to hell, and I don’t really think I’ll miss it.

At least this is the last time we’ll have to hear about Cincinnati’s shit-awful chili and family backyard cornhole tournaments. Unless the assholes get to the World Series, in which case get ready for the Skyline Cornhole craze to sweep the nation. No one’s backyard would ever be safe again.

I think maybe I could root for the American League after all.

Great American Ball Park

Friday, September 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT

Saturday, September 8, 6:10 p.m. CDT

Sunday, September 9, 12:10 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Friday – Free Agent Friday

I thought maybe this was the time for all the Astros who expect to be without a contract next year to have a tryout. But it turns out it’s just some lame drink specials for Reds fans to get shitfaced if they wear a stupid free agent sticker or some shit.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Lucas Harrell (10-9, 3.81) v. Homer Bailey (10-9, 4.09)

Harrell has faced the Reds three times this season and got a win against them last weekend. Most of the Reds hit him well, particularly Jay Bruce who is 4-for-7 with two doubles and a homer.

Bailey has faced the Astros twice this year with no record to show for it, though his record in years past is 4-0. Most of the Astros have seen him, but without much to show for it. J.D. Martinez, Justin Maxwell, and Chris Snyder each have a homer off him.

Saturday

Bud Norris (5-11, 4.80) v. Bronson Arroyo (5-11, 3.76)

Norris is on a freaking 10-game losing streak and hasn’t won since May. He’s pitched better in his last three starts, but whatever. Devin Mesoraco is 3-for-5 against him with a double and a homer. Joey Votto also has a homer off him.

Arroyo hasn’t lost since early August, and probably hasn’t had a haircut since last August. Current Astros are a collective 18-for-100 against him, with the only homer coming from Justin Maxwell.

Sunday

Edgar Gonzalez (1-0, 1.69) v. Johnny Cueto (17-7, 2.58)

Gonzalez was signed out of the Mexican League, and made his first MLB start in nearly three years on Sunday. He held the Pirates to one run in 5+ innings. Miguel Cairo and Brandon Phillips batted against him at some point in the past, and Phillips went 3-for-6 with a homer. Whenever that was.

Cueto beat the Astros back in April but we haven’t seen him since. None of the current Astros have done much against him.

Injury Report

Houston – Matt Dominguez (wrist), Marwin Gonzalez (ankle), Fernando Martinez (thigh), and Scott Moore (groin) are all questionable for this series. Lowrie and Cordero are out until later in the month.

Cincinnati – Shortstop Zack Cozart is questionable for this series. Relievers Nick Masset and Bill Bray are probably out. And Ryan Madson is out for the season.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone. You know, if you aren’t watching football.

]]> http://www.orangewhoopass.com/2012/07/23/reds-at-astros-%e2%80%93-yard-sale-this-week-earlybirds-welcome/ Mon, 23 Jul 2012 06:47:30 +0000 http://www.spikesnstars.com/?p=10643

What the fuck, the Reds are in first place? A half-game ahead of the PIRATES? Well I guess it’s a good thing the Astros are moving to the AL West, because this neighborhood has totally gone to shit. It’s like we don’t even know those guys anymore. At least when the Astros move, it will put the stupid fucking Cubs back in the cellar by default, where they belong.

The Reds have won 9 of their last 11, including a sweep of the 3rdinals coming out of the All-Star Break, and another sweep of the Brewers this weekend. Meanwhile, the Astros have only won once since the break, plus they’ve unloaded about half the roster for a trunk full of junk bonds and some IOU’s to be named later.

The owners have backed up the moving vans and decided that a lot of this old crap isn’t worth moving to the AL, so to hell with it, we’re having a garage sale. Maybe the neighbors can use some of this junk. Get whatever you can for it, and let’s get the hell out of here.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, July 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, July 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Just the usual Price Matters Days and Double Play Tuesday deals, except for Wednesday when it’s University of Houston night. They’ll be giving away some nice UH-style caps, but there will only be 1,000 of them and you have to jump through some hoops to get them, like buying tickets online at this link. The goodie closet seems to be running thin this year; maybe Luhnow could trade the bullpen to the Royals or whoever for some unpainted bobbleheads.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Mat Latos (7-3, 4.33) v. Wandy Rodriguez (7-8, 3.75)

The current Astros have hit Latos pretty well, going .308 in 65 AB’s. Lowrie is 4-for-5 against him with a double and two homers, and Altuve is 3-for-5 with a double. Ben Francisco and Chris Johnson also have homers off him.

Wandy has faced everyone on the Reds, including the Ghost of Marge Schott and her stupid dog. The Reds have a whopping 263 AB’s against Wandy, but they’ve only hit .266, with 67 K’s. Joey Votto is far and away their best hitter against him, but he’s out for this series. Jay Bruce is only 2-for-29 with 15 strikeouts against Wandy, and Drew Stubbs is only 6-for-25 but he also has a double and two homers. Cairo, Frazier, Heisley, Ludwick, and Phillips also have homers off him.

Also keep in mind that if Wandy gets traded before the deadline, this will be his last homestand. He’s also scheduled to pitch later in the week against the Pirates, if he’s still around.

Tuesday
Mike Leake (3-6, 4.25) v. Lucas Harrell (7-7, 4.24)

Leake has a win and a loss against the Astros already this season. The good guys have hit him pretty well – 18 hits in 55 AB’s – but few of those were for extra bases. Chris Johnson has two homers off and a double off Leake.

Harrell has seen the Dickities once this season and took a loss. Jay Bruce is 3-for-3 against him with a double and a homer. Brandon Phillips is 2-for-4 with a triple.

Wednesday
Homer Bailey (9-6, 3.74) v. Bud Norris (5-8, 5.33)

Bailey hasn’t faced Houston this season, though last year four of his nine wins came against the Astros. Nobody has hit Bailey well, though Martinez and Bixler each have a homer off Homer.

After going 5-1 early in the season, Norris has lost his last seven starts. He hasn’t seen the Reds this year. Ryan Ludwick goes 5-for-15 against him, and Devin Mesoraco has a homer.

Injury Report

Cincinnati – Joey Votto is out until sometime in August. Relievers Ryan Madson and Nick Masset are on the 60-day DL.

Houston – Lowrie, Castro, Weiland, and Escalona are all out. Marwin Gonzalez has a heel thing going on, but it sounds like he’ll be available.

Balls in the Dirt

Alas. Kris and Anna Benson are getting divorced. Kris has been working as a financial adviser since retiring from pitching, but apparently Anna thought his financial methods were too unorthodox. Because instead of using spreadsheets and graphs to dispense his astute advice, he was using his dick.

Now, if you remember, Anna once famously said that if she caught Kris screwing around, she would fuck the New York Mets. All of them, including the groundskeepers and bat boys. I don’t know if they would have to line up alphabetically, or by uniform number, or in a multi-level pyramid, or what, but that was the promise. Well, apparently she’s backing out of the deal. She’s had three kids since making that promise, and now her strike zone is wider than the big red apple at Shea. (OK, actually it was always that wide; after all the pounding she took, Kris probably thought he was fucking a bucket of water. So he decided to trade up, apparently.)

So can you imagine how embarrassed the stupid Mets are? They finally got a chance to put up a crooked number, and Anna Benson threw a fucking no-hitter at them. (Or would that be a no-fucking hitter?) And it would have been a perfect game, but she kept throwing balls off the plate. Now the dumbass Mets are standing there with their balls as blue as their caps, and their dicks drier than a drought.

Anyway, this is all just a long, roundabout way of me saying, one more time, fuck the goddamn Mets.

***
Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

]]> http://www.orangewhoopass.com/2012/06/04/cardinals-at-astros-%e2%80%93-shitbirds-singing-in-the-dead-of-night/ Tue, 05 Jun 2012 04:32:00 +0000 http://www.spikesnstars.com/?p=10273 The Shitbirds just lost three of four to the stupid fucking Mets, including the first no-hitter in Stem history. The cocksucking Mets finally found themselves a slumpbuster … named Johan. Anyway, before losing the series in New York, the Jakes lost a series to Atlanta, and before that they lost three of four to the Faillies.

Meanwhile, the Dickities are sitting on top of the Central, three games ahead of the Pirates (!) and the Jakes. The Astros were holding their own for a while but have slipped recently after an eight-game losing streak. But they are still well ahead of the dipshit Cubs, so at least that’s something.

Despite the long, shitty road trip, the Astros only get this one home series against the Jakes before going back on the road for three more series, including one against the pretend-archrival Rangers. Nolan Ryan was determined to shoe-horn a Lone Star rivalry into the stupid Silver Boot, even though he had to use Drayton McLane’s tight-ass old wallet and Bud Selig’s hairpiece to do it. And amazingly enough he did manage to get all the pieces in place, so start rival-ing, goddammit. Nolan says so.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, June 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Forgettable giveaways

Not a damn thing. Just the usual shit – Price Matters Days, Double Play Tuesday, etc. If you want a pretty bauble then buy it yourself, cheapskate.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday
Jaime Garcia (3-3, 3.78)  v. Lucas Harrell (4-4, 4.71)

In 31+ career innings against the Astros, Garcia has an 0-4 record and a 6.89 ERA to show for it. The current crop of Astros goes 17-for-61 (.279) against him, with homers from Lee, Downs, and Chris Johnson. Unfortunately, Lee is on the DL and Downs is on the bus in OKC. Johnson also has 6 RBI and a double against Garcia, and Justin Maxwell is 3-for-4 with two doubles.

Two starts ago Harrell outdueled Clayton Kershaw, then went to Colorado and shat the bed by giving up nine runs in five innings. He had a win against the Cardinals in early May, and current Jakes are 7-for-24 (.292) against him.

Wednesday
Adam Wainwright (4-6, 4.98)  v. Bud Norris (5-2, 4.52)

Wainright is fucking 10-1 against the Astros with an ERA of 1.54. Astros on the current roster have gone 9-for-64 (.141) against him with no homers. In fact the only extra-base hit is a double from Carlos Lee.

Norris also took a dump in Colorado, giving up nine runs in less than two innings. But he does have a 7-2 record against the Shitbirds with an ERA at 2.17. Current Jakes are 40-for-156 (.256) against Norris, with two homers from Holliday. The Puerto Rican Whore is the Cards’ best hitter against Norris, at 5-for-15 with three doubles, but he’s complaining of some sort of knee ailment that might or might not be bad. Imagine that. Daniel Descalso, whoever he is, is also 4-for-8 against Bud, with two doubles and a triple.

Thursday
Lance Lynn (8-2, 2.63) v. J.A. Happ (4-5, 4.31)

Lynn was mostly a reliever last year but has made 11 starts this season. He won his first six starts and has gone 2-2 since. He hasn’t faced the Astros this season, but Chris Johnson and Brett Wallace are both 1-for-3 against him.

Happ has had eight quality starts out of his last 11, but over his career is 1-7 against the Jakes. One of those losses was earlier this year. Current Shitbirds have batted .358 against him (38-for-106) with two homers each for Carlos Beltran, Allen Craig, and Tyler Greene. Holliday and Yada-Yada-Yada Molina also have a homer each.

Injury Report
St. Louis – Jaime Garcia is probable for his start in this series. Lance Berkman is on the DL until forever. Scott Linebrink, Jon Jay, Skip Schumaker, Chris Carpenter, Matt Carpenter, and Kyle McClellan are all on the DL for something or other.

Houston – Bud Norris is listed as probable. Carlos Lee, Fernando Abad, Travis Buck, Kyle Weiland, and Sergio Escalona are all on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* Speaking of the first Stem no-hitter, they celebrated in style with pitcher Ramon Ramirez injuring his hamstring while running to the dogpile. And then in a show of solidarity with the team owners, the Mets players turned the dogpile into a human pyramid scheme.

* In other douchebag news, bootstrappy conservative Curt Schilling is making a new video game with an alternative version of the Boston Tea Party. In the game’s stunning climax, the stalwart Sons of Liberty will keep all the tea and ships for themselves, then demand exorbitant pay raises and threaten to move to Rhode Island if the king doesn’t give them all his tax revenue. When the king runs out of tax money, they all go on unemployment and complain about government handouts.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

And there’s only been one player here for the entire fall from the top to the bottom. Wandy. Not that I’m blaming him, mind you, I’m just saying Wandy is the only guy who was there for the World Series and somehow stuck around for the entire downhill run. And hell, even Wandy might be gone by the time you read this.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been watching Wandy’s stone-like babyface for that long – so long that now Old Man Wandy sort of looks like a cross between a cherub and Frankenstein, but with less expression.

When he first came up, the Astros had a rotation that included Oswalt, Clemens, Pettitte … and a rookie named Wandy? What the fuck? And even though we quickly learned how he’d get flustered and have a shitty inning, after a while seeing Wandy’s name in the rotation was sort of comforting. At least he had a familiar face, though thankfully not as familiar as Ezequiel Astacio’s.

Of course Wandy will never be mentioned among the great pitching names of the franchise – Scott, Neikro, Dierker, Richard, Oswalt … no, Wandy doesn’t quite fit there. But, he did pitch more innings for the Astros in the World Series (as a rookie) than Roger Clemens did. And right now Wandy is tied with Darryl Kile at #12 on the Astros’ all-time wins list. He’s #10 on the strikeouts list and #10 in the number of games started.

He’s certainly not one of the greatest Astros pitchers ever, but he’s been a loyal workhorse for a number of years now, and I’m hoping he’s still around next year. So this one’s for Eny, however fucking old he is.

AT&T Park

Thursday, August 25, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Friday, August 26, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Saturday, August 27, 8:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, August 28, 3:05 p.m. CDT

Well here we go with another round of late-ass West Coast games, and it’s a four-game series at that. But who am I kidding, it’s not like I was going to be staying up for these anyway. Like most of the games this season, the game will be on in the background for a while, and then I’ll probably turn it off at some point … probably when the bullpen gives up the lead.

Notable giveaways

Saturday – Tim Lincecum bobblehead. Hairnet optional.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Thursday

Henry Sosa (0-2, 6.35) v. Ryan Vogelsong (10-3, 2.47)

The Astros sent Jordan Lyles down to protect his arm, which meant the rotation had to be reshuffled. Sosa drew the short stick and will have to go on three days’ rest. He just pitched against the Giants on Sunday, for fuck’s sake, and gave up four runs in five innings. Brandon Belt went 2-for-2 with a homer off him.

Vogelsong is second in the league in ERA. He’s tough at home, going 6-2 with an ERA of 1.82, and he’s only allowed three homers at AT&T this season. He has a 2-1 career record against the Astros, but lost to the good guys a week ago. The Astros only bat .226 against him, though Corporan is 2-for-2.

Friday
J.A. Happ (4-14, 6.26) v. Madison Bumgarner (7-12, 3.68)

Happ got recalled from Oklahoma City to take Lyles’s spot in the rotation. (Now there’s a sentence you wouldn’t have expected before the season started.) No one on the Giants has seen much of Happ, though Beltran has two homers off him. Rowand and Ross each have one.

Bumgarner has only faced the Astros once, and that was last Saturday when he gave up four runs in one inning. He’s been especially susceptible to the big inning this year. Jose Altuve had the inside-the-park homer against him, and J.D. Martinez knocked one out. Carlos Lee is 2-for-3 against him.

Saturday
Brett Myers (3-13, 4.95) v. TBA

Pretty much everyone on the Giants has hit Myers well, especially DeRosa (7-for-16), Beltran (12-for-38, four doubles and a homer), and Tejada (6-for-12, two doubles and a homer). Kepp has two homers off him, and Ross, Rowand, and Torres each have one.

The Astros’ website lists the Giants’ starter as TBA, but ESPN says it will be Dan Runzler. He’s mainly pitched out of the bullpen but made his first start Sunday against Houston. He lasted less than two innings and gave up four earned runs.

Sunday
Bud Norris (6-8, 3.73) v. Matt Cain (10-9, 2.90)

Norris has never faced the Giants, though four of their players have seen him. Beltran is 4-for-9 with three doubles, Cabrera is 3-for-6 (but you already knew that), and Ross is 3-for-7. DeRosa is 0-for-5.

Cain is 1-3 against the Astros with an ERA north of 5. However, those stats are pretty suspect because only four current Astros have batted against Cain, and two of them are Castro and Towles. The good news is that Carlos Lee is 6-for-13 with two doubles and a homer off Cain. The bad news is that Barmes is 1-for-18.

Injury Report

Houston – All the usual suspects. Enerio Del Rosario is beginning a rehab assignment.

San Francisco – Damn, the Jints are pretty banged up. Posey is busted and out for the season, as is Dirty Freddy Sanchez. The Giants picked up Carlos Beltran at the trading deadline but of course he’s already hurt too. Pat Burrell is on a rehab assignment, and Andres Torres is finishing a rehab stint and should be back for this series. Eli Whiteside should also be back for this series, whoever he is. Sergio Romo has an elbow thing but should be quarterbacking for the Cowboys by the start of the regular season. Johnathon Sanchez is also on the DL, as is Barry Zito. Brian Wilson and his ridiculous soup-strainer are also on the DL.

Discuss tonight’s late-ass game in the Gamezone.

Don’t expect any fancy formatting or links or pictures or shit. I could probably do it my phone if I tried hard enough, but fuck it. The entire Astros team is phoning it in at this point, so I will too. Though at least I can play Angry Birds on my phone; Drayton probably scaled back the Astros’ phone system to just trac-phones and
international calling cards.

Notable giveaways
A totebag on Friday, replica jersey on Saturday, and something for the kids on Sunday called a cuddle puppy. It looks like a cross between a cheap stuffed toy and a doormat, so at least it’s an accurate depiction of this year’s Astros. Plus it has kind of a sad look on its face, like it just heard Michael Bourn got traded to the goddamn Braves.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone, unless you’re restricted to your phone like I am. In that case just use MLB At-Bat or something.

– sent from my iPhone

Brewers at Astros
Minute Maid Park
Friday, August 5 — 7:05 pm
Saturday, August 6 — 6:05 pm
Sunday, August 7 — 1:05 pm

Pitching Probables
Fuck if I know. Does it really matter? About all I could say is that Carlos Lee hit a couple dingers off this or that pitcher, and Clint Barmes hits him ok too. Dicknose Braun probably does well againsy Wandy and Myers, and probably Happ too

This season sort of feels like buying an old house. You know there are going to be a few things that have to be fixed, but after you move in you realize the previous owner was a damn cheapskate. He told you the roof was brand new, but it turns out to just have a few new shingles nailed down by some guys from Home Depot. All the light bulbs are gone, the copper plumbing is all ripped out, and there’s a giant black stain in the corner of the backyard where he dumped his used motor oil. But the prick did leave you all his shitty old clothes that have to be hauled to Goodwill, plus 20 years’ worth of poisons and weedkiller are still stacked in the shed. And you don’t even want to look in the cellar.

It seems like that’s what Jim Crane has to look forward too whenever he takes possession. Drayton sold off anything of value and is leaving nothing but a few Brett Myers bobbleheads that he couldn’t give away, some stale nachos that even Lance Berkman wouldn’t eat, and Doug Brocail’s medical records (because the new owner will still need those, plus they were too heavy to haul away). Oh, and by the way, the homeowners association just instituted a new rule requiring a designated hitter. Sorry you missed the vote, but it was right there in the by-laws.

Yeah, you kind of expect to find some hidden flaws when you move into a new place. But shit, who expects to move in and find a fat-ass American Leaguer lounging in the pool, inviting his buddies over to rove around and piss in the bushes? Man, that’s a deal-breaker right there. I’d rather put up with the Pirates winning the division than move to the goddamn American League.

So everyone’s sitting around waiting for the deal to close, but Drayton has pretty much moved on and certainly won’t bother to mow the lawn or pull the weeds. Which is probably best at this point anyway: you’d rather clean up the mess he already made than risk him making a bigger one. Dude, just hand over the keys and move on, please.

Yeah, this was a pretty sweet place at one time. But that was years ago, and it will be a long time before the new owner can make it respectable again. But we’ve got nowhere else to go, so we may as well clean out the cellar, set up the TV,  and watch a few ballgames. I hear the Pirates are going to win the Central this year …

Minute Maid Park
Friday, July 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, July 16, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, July 17, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Giveaways
(I usually label this “notable giveaways,” but there’s really nothing notable here. Drayton must be digging in the back of the goodie closet trying to find whatever lame shit is left to give away.)

Friday – The usual fireworks
Saturday – Faith and Family Night with some band you never heard of
Sunday – A photo frame for kids. Meh.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Jeff Karstens (7-4, 2.55)  v. Brett Myers (3-9, 4.88)
Karstens has the sixth-best ERA in the league and is 2-0 against the Astros this season. Several Astros hit him well, including Quintero (3-for-4 with a double and triple), Barmes (3-for-8 with a homer), Lee (5-for-17), and especially Hunter Pence, 7-for-16 with a double and a homer). At the other end of the scale, Bourn and Kepp are both 3-for-17 against Karstens.

Myers is 6-5 in 12 starts against the Pirates, and 0-1 this year. None of the Pirates have a homer off him, but McCutchen is 6-for-19, Overbay is 4-for-7, and Presley and Diaz are both 3-for-4.

Saturday
Paul Maholm (6-9, 2.96) v. Bud Norris (5-6, 3.46)
Maholm is in his seventh season for the Pirates and has an 11-6 record against Houston in 19 starts. Current Astros are a collective 67-for-242 (.277) against him, with two homers each for Barmes and Pence. In fact, Barmes has scorched him with 12 hits in 25 AB’s, with three doubles and a triple to go along with the two homers. Bourn and Chris Johnson have fared poorly against Maholm.

Norris is 1-2 against Pittsburgh this year but his ERA is only 2.57. He’s also struck out 21 Pirates in 21 innings. Garrett Jones is 6-for-19 with a homer against Norris, and Overbay also has a homer. McCutchen is 7-for-22 with two doubles and a triple.

Sunday
Kevin Correia (11-7, 4.01) v. Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.52)
Correia went to the All-Star Game but didn’t make an appearance. He’s 0-1 in four career appearances against the Astros but hasn’t faced them this year. Current Astros are 21-for-67 (.313) against Correia, with most of the hits coming from Carlos Lee (5-for-11) and Clint Barmes (5-for-16). Chris Johnson is 3-for-3 against him.

Wandy has a 7-5 record in 15 starts against the Pirates. Brandon Wood is 4-for-5 with a homer off Wandy, and Overbay is 7-for-15. Neil Walker also has a homer off him. Garrett Jones and Andrew McCutchen are a combined 3-for-24 with six strikeouts.

Injury Report

Pittsburgh – Reliever Joe Beimel should be back for this series, and leftfielder Jose Tabata might be. First baseman Steve Pearce, shortstop Ronny Cedeno, reliever Evan Meek, catcher Ryan Doumit, and starter Kevin Hart are out until later this month. Catcher Chris Snyder and starter Ross Ohlendorf are gone longer than that.

Houston – Bourgeios is on a rehab assignment and Abad could be back later this month. Arias, Lyon, and Castro … not so much.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

And now there’s even this bullshit talk about moving the Astros to the AL? Seriously? If you can’t trade Carlos Lee to a team that needs a DH, I guess you can just trade the team to the league with the DH. It’s like Lee’s contract has become such a drag on the team, that’s it’s formed it’s own weight and mass and is developing a gravity well.

So anyway, the Astros have the worst record in baseball and the Rangers are leading their division for now. Plus you know the Dallas area is just so proud of itself after the Mavs won their title, that a giant forcefield of Metroplex Smug will be enveloping the city. I’ve smelled it before – it’s like a film of oilfield grease under a thick layer of Mary Kay makeup.

Oh, and there are red flag fire warnings all over the state, so it will be hot and smoky and windy, plus the air temperature will be hotter than the devil’s balls. So nope, I’m not making the trip to Dallas, not even for a Nelson Cruz bobblehead. I’ve always hated Dallas, and I think right now I’d hate it even more.

Rangers Ballpark

Monday, June 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, June 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Now that the Rangers and Astros are playing each other, Fox Sports Southwest shouldn’t have any trouble getting an HD camera crew to the games, right? Because maybe it’s just me, but it seems like the HD broadcasts are getting less frequent, not more.

Notable giveaways

Monday – A Nelson Cruz Walk-Off Bobblehead, with Cruz supposedly calling his shot. I think he’s just pointing to where the wildfire is coming from, before wisely evacuating.

Tuesday – Reliant Energy Sunglasses. Can’t argue with cheap sunglasses, unless they look like shit or something.

Wednesday – the usual cheap food and shit

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
J.A. Happ (3-8, 4.95)  v. Derek Holland (5-2, 4.78)
Happ hasn’t won a game since mid-May. He’s never seen the Rangers, though he’s pitched to Torrealba and Chavez who are a combined 0-for-5 against him.

Holland is 2-0 in six starts at home this year but hasn’t won there since late April. He has faced the Astros once but that was a couple of years ago. Michael Bourn is 2-for-3 against him.

Tuesday
Jordan Lyles (0-2, 4.30)  v. C.J. Wilson (7-3, 3.03)
Lyles gets his first start against future division rival Texas. He’s still looking for his first career win, so a nice long stretch against the American League should do the trick.

Wilson is 2-1 against the Astros is several starts and relief appearances. Carlos Lee is 4-for-8 against him, and Jason Michaels is 4-for-9 with a single, a double, a triple, and a homer.

Wednesday
Brett Myers (3-6, 4.75) v. Colby Lewis (6-7, 4.80)
Myers has seen a few of the Rangers before and none of them have had much success. Ian Kinsler is 2-for-2 with a homer, and Adrian Beltre has a homer but is 2-for-14 overall against Myers. Endy Chavez is only 2-for-17 against him.

Lewis had a win and a loss against the Astros last season. Carlos Lee is 4-for-13 against Lewis but nobody else has more than a double off him.

Injury Report
Houston – In addition to the regulars, now Hunter Pence and J.R. Towles are banged up and questionable for this series. And in a rare break from tradition, but with a nod to reality, the Astros have decided to list Hunter Pences’ injuries separately by body part. For example, his heart and enthusiasm will always be listed as “probable,” while his head and arm will always be “questionable.”

Texas – Three relievers and three starters are on the DL, plus Mike Napoli is out until later this month.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

*****

I got my appreciation for baseball from my grandfather on my dad’s side; no one else in my family cared about baseball at all. And I didn’t even know my grandfather all that well, because I was still young when he died.

In fact, along with not caring about baseball, most of the family didn’t really care for my grandfather either. Years later, all I heard from distant relatives was what a mean old bastard he was. I’ve heard enough of their stories to know they were probably true, but I never saw that side of him.

I remember my mom and dad commenting several times that it was curious that the old man was so nice to me, compared to how he treated everyone else. And not only that, they were amazed that I asked to go see him every week; no one ever went to see him voluntarily. Somehow the cranky old war veteran and this scrawny, sickly kid had something in common.

The reason I went to visit him every Saturday was to watch the Game of the Week. It was the only time I could see baseball on TV, because nobody else in my house wanted to watch it. We’d get either an NL or AL game of the week; I always hoped for the NL game because Johnny Bench was my favorite player, but the Rangers had also just come into being and my grandfather had lived in Arlington for a long time, so he always wanted to see if they were any good. They weren’t, but we still enjoyed watching.

I would spread out my baseball cards on my grandfather’s coffee table and tell him about all the players we were watching. He’d just grin and nod, because he couldn’t really hear me. He was practically stone deaf, most likely from his time in World War I.

He’d have his easy-chair pulled up right beside the old black-and-white TV so he could hear it, but by the third inning he’d usually be snoring anyway. Just before he’d doze off, he’d always perk up for a second, and remind me that there was ice-cold Coke (in glass bottles) and a bag of Chips-Ahoy cookies in the kitchen. Like I didn’t know that already; my mom did all his grocery shopping and those two things were always at the top of his list. He’d usually wake up before the end of the game, and I’d give him a detailed recap, and then he’d call my mom or dad to come pick me up.

When I was 8 I joined a pee-wee league baseball team, but I wasn’t very good. I didn’t have anyone to practice with, and my grandfather was too feeble by then. But he still managed to come to all my games and sit right in the front row, and he’d grin and clap, even when I was striking out.

Soon after that he moved back to the Dallas area, and he died when I was 12. So the only clear memories I have of him revolve around baseball, but as I learned later, there was so much more to him.

I’ll tell you about that after the series preview …

Astros at Cubs – A Rookie and a Veteran

Wrigley Field

Monday, May 30, 1:20 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, May 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 1, 1:20 p.m. CDT

I guess I don’t get games on My20pixels anymore. Dish Network used to carry them, but I guess they got dropped. Maybe the coverage will be better on FSN after the damn basketball season is over.

Not so notable giveaways

Extra absorbent for comfort where you need it most

Monday – A free piece of wearable asswipe for the first 10,000 fans. It looks like a T-shirt, but you can tell by the logo that it’s really for wiping your ass. Though maybe this is just a sneaky way to trick the dumbass Bleacher Bums into putting on a fucking shirt to cover up their man-teats.

Wednesday – Cubs Promotional Item to the first 10,000 fans. Really, that’s all their website says, just “promotional item.” I guess it’s just whatever shitty merchandise they have lying around that even Cub fans won’t buy.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Aneury Rodriguez (0-2, 4.98)  v. Rodrigo Lopez (no record)

Aneury has only allowed three runs in his last 11+ innings, but he still doesn’t have a win. When he was in the bullpen earlier in the season he pitched a couple of innings against the Cubs, and gave up two hits and one run.

Lopez has been in the Majors for nine years, but has been at AAA this season and is trying to nail down the last spot in the Cubs’ rotation. Good luck with that. Several Astros have batted against him but the only one who’s done any good is Hunter Pence – he’s 5-for-9 with a double and a homer.

Tuesday
Jordan Lyles (no record) v. Carlos Zambrano (5-2, 4.59)

Lyles was 3-3 in Oklahoma City and got the call-up after Wandy went on the DL. He’s going right to the front lines because his mound opponent is  …

Assmunch Zambrano. No current Astros have done much against Zambrano, with the exception of Carlos Lee. He’s 23-for-61 (.377) with six doubles and five homers. On the other hand, Bill Hall has 18 strikeouts in 44 at-bats against Zambrano.

Wednesday
Brett Myers (1-4, 5.11) v. Doug Davis (0-3, 6.75)

Myers is 11-3 in 14 career appearances against the Cubs, with one of those wins coming earlier this year. ErrorMiss has two homers off him and Soriano has three, but they both have a ton of strikeouts too.

Davis is in his 12th season, and his record against Houston is the opposite of Myers at 3-11. Hall, Barmes, and Keppinger each have a homer against him, and Carlos Lee bats .538 (7-for-13).

Injury Report

Houston – The usual suspects, plus now Wandy and Quintero are on the DL until sometime in June. Jason Bourgeois starts a rehab assignment later this week.

Chicago – Marlon Byrd is out with a broken grill after getting plunked by the Red Sox; I’m guessing the irony of being beaned in Boston was lost on him.
Also, Brian Schlitter is on the DL; you may remember that name from my Opening Day preview with the Phillies, where he was also on the DL. The Phillies had claimed him on waivers, but then realized he was a Cub, and therefore damaged goods, so they sent him back to Chicago.
Carlos Zambrano has a pain in the neck but will probably pitch Wednesday.
And there’s some other Cubs on the DL, but who gives a shit.

*****

Anyway, the rest of my grandfather’s story has only come to me second-hand, at best, so I’ve probably got some details wrong. I heard bits and pieces from my dad and other family members, plus there’s even an old Texas history book from the 1930s that has biographies of notable Texans, and there are a couple of paragraphs about him.

But it’s been a long damn time since his war, and if I’ve gotten some of my grandfather’s details wrong, well, I don’t think anyone will know. There’s just no one left who would remember. But this is his story, as best I can piece together.

From what I can tell, he was working on a ship that was ferrying troops to England just as the U.S. was entering World War I. His ship was torpedoed and sunk by a German U-Boat, but he survived and still made it to England somehow. He joined the Army and was assigned to an ambulance company, and he participated in five major battles. According to this old history book I’ve got, that’s the most battles any American could have been in. I don’t know what rank he achieved, or what honors he may have earned; I tried to get his military records from the government, but they were lost when the archives burned decades ago.

He would have been in his early twenties then, and I can’t even imagine what horrors he must have seen as a front-line medic in the muddy trenches of France. He didn’t escape unharmed either; at some point he was gassed by the Germans, probably with mustard gas. He survived because he was wearing a gas mask, but he carried scars from the blisters for the rest of his life. Until the day he died, his head was the only place on his body where he could grow hair, because it had been protected by the gas mask.

So after being torpedoed, sunk, shot at, and gassed, I guess it’s understandable that he came home with a burning hatred for all things German. Today I’m sure we would call it PTSD. I don’t know how that hatred played out over the next 50 years, but I do know some hazy details about how it affected him near the end.

As he grew old his body and mind began to fail, and he was in and out of VA facilities. At some point, I guess in the early 70s, he was in a regular civilian hospital for some reason or another. My dad got a frantic call to come to the hospital, because the old war veteran was out of control. He had attacked another old man with his walking cane and nearly beaten him to death. He thought the other man was a German.

My dad convinced the hospital to keep treating him, but they insisted that the old man had to be strapped to his bed. After a few days my dad got them to take off the restraints, at least while he was visiting. But one day he left the room for a few minutes, and when he came back the bed was empty. And then he saw his dad cowering behind the bed, peeking over the top. “Shhh, be quiet!” he said, pointing out to the hallway. “There’s Germans out there.”

My dad was a pretty tough old veteran himself; he’d served in the Pacific in World War II. One of the few times I ever saw him cry was when he explained why he’d had the hospital strap his dad back to the bed.

My grandfather lived a couple more years, and then whatever horrors he’d seen and done went with him to his grave. He didn’t leave much behind, but in his will he singled out one item – the beat-up old black-and-white TV. No one else in the family understood why he specifically left it to me, but I did.

On second thought, maybe my dad did understand. At my grandfather’s funeral, the honor guard fired their volleys, folded the flag from his casket, and a soldier marched over to my father and intoned the solemn “grateful nation” speech:

“Sir, on behalf of the President of the United States and the people of a grateful nation, may I present this flag as a token of appreciation for the honorable and faithful service your loved one rendered this nation.”

And then he presented the flag … but my dad wouldn’t take it. Instead, he put his hand on my shoulder and told the soldier, “That flag belongs to this young man.” So the soldier took one step sideways, repeated the speech, and gave me the flag. And I still have it, alongside the one I got 20 years later at my dad’s funeral.

And there’s one last detail that makes all this a little more poignant to me. That cranky old war veteran wasn’t my biological grandfather. My mom and dad adopted me when I was born, into a family where the men had black hair and brown eyes. I have blond hair and blue eyes … and a biological line that goes straight back to Germany.

It was never a secret, so surely my grandfather knew. But he managed to put all that history aside and teach me a love of baseball and ice-cold Cokes.

He’s been dead for nearly 40 years now, but baseball lives on, and whenever I watch a game on Memorial Day it takes me back to a time when I could only watch the games on a black-and-white TV.

*****

Thank a veteran today, and then discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

You never know what might happen when the Apple-knob-polishers are around. You might trip and accidentally commit a four-base error, or accidentally get in a Ponzi scheme, or divide by zero and crash the stock market. Some dumbshit might agree to pay Bobby Bonilla a million fucking dollars every year until the next Ice Age. And what the hell, maybe invest a gazillion dollars in Carlos Beltran. He’ll never get hurt. Or strike out looking.

So stay the fuck away from this series. Wait till the next homestand and see some other dumbass team like the Dodgers; at least you won’t run the risk of being infected by the festering ball of suck that is the New York Mets …

… who, by the way, just won two out of three in Denver against the Rukkakes. The mile-high finale featured three homers from the Ponzi-Rican whore. Ouch. On its face, you could say he was making mountains out of mole hills. He erupted, even.

Now the shit-heel Mets have made their way to Houston. It took a while though, because they had to hock the team jet, of course. Instead, they had to co-charter a bus with an Asian tour group in the Rocky Mountains. They had to stop at every interesting place along the way. Luckily that’s a shitty, uninteresting drive or they never would have made it in time.

Well anyway, when the Astros played the Mets a few weeks ago, I thought “Man that team looks like runover dogshit.” And of course that applied to both teams, but I meant it about the stupid fucking Mets. But I just looked at the standings and there are four other teams in the NL, not counting the Astros, who are worse than the Mets. Now it’s probably just a seasonal variation, like El Nino or whatever the hell. By the end of the summer the Mets will be firmly locked in the NL East cellar, just begging for a lick of the Nationals’ balls.  Of course by that time, the Astros may be asking the same thing of the Pirates, so I guess be careful what you wish for.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, May 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, May 14, 3:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, May 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Other than the usual package deals and fireworks and shit:

Friday – A pink Astros tote bag. No thanks, though I’d take one if it had a Mets logo. Then I could use it to scoop cat shit AND be environmentally conscious. Seriously, if anyone ever finds a Mets tote bag, send it to me. I promise to post photos. And I have a lot of cat shit at my house.

Saturday – A Chris Johnson pink bat bobblehead. Nice try, but meh. I realize they have to do bobbleheads for someone, but I don’t think Chris Johnson has earned one yet.

I think they should do a Hunter Pence Four-Base Error Bobblehead, except not only the head, but all the feet, arms, legs, and hands would bobble too. And a little baseball could bounce from one to the other, then finally just roll across the floor and go all to the way to the wall.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Dillon Gee (2-0, 3.80)  v. Bud Norris (2-2, 3.16)

Gee pitched two no-hitters for Cleburne High School and also played at UT-Arlington. But he’s a Met now so fuck him. All I need to see is the orange “NY” on his cap, and “fuck him.” I’m not normally such a perfect judge of character, but when it comes to Mets, I’m golden. Anyway, he’s never faced anyone on the Astros, so, you know …. fuck him.

Norris is 1-1 against the Mets, and he faced them earlier this season and got a no-decision that the team came back to win. The Whore is 3-for-6 with two doubles off Bud, and Jose Reyes is 3-for-7. Scott Hairston, Daniel Murphy, and Josh Thole all have homers off him. Whoever those guys are. Oh wait, I’ve heard of Hairston, I just meant to forget him.

Saturday
R.A. Dickey (1-4, 4.50) v. J.A. Happ (2-4, 5.75)

Dickey has already lost to the Astros once this season. And it’s time to break out our secret weapon Met-Killer Joe Inglett, because he’s 4-for-7 with two doubles against Dickey. Carlos Lee is 7-for-18 with three doubles and a homer. Hunter Pence is only 1-for-9 against Dickey, but the one hit was a homer.

Happ is 1-2 in five appearances against the Ponzis. Beltran is 4-for-13 with two homers off him, and David Wright is 6-for-11 with two doubles and three homers. Ouch. On the plus side, Mets fans will still be paying for those homers in higher ticket prices through 2050.

Sunday
Chris Capuano (2-4, 4.93) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-1, 5.50)

Capuano has a 5-4 record in 10 appearances against the Astros, but some of those games were back when Biggio and Bagwell were in the starting lineup. Current Astros are a weak 10-for-61 (.164) against him, with the only homer coming from Chris Johnson. In fact, at 2-for-6, Johnson is the best Astros hitter against Capuano. Too bad we can’t let the weekend broadcast team bat against him.

Aneury went two innings in relief against the steM earlier in the season. He only gave up one hit but it was a homer to Ike Davis. However, Davis is on the DL and won’t be in this series. No one on the Mets has more than one AB against Aneury.

Injury Report

New York – Ike Davis is out until later this month, and Angel Pagan should be back for the summer solstice. Bobby Parnell and Pedro Beato are on rehab assignments. Johan Santana is out. David Wright was doubtful for the last series so might still be hurting.

Houston – Jason Michaels should be back for this series, and Keppinger is on a rehab assignment. Arias, Bourgeios, Lyon, and Castro are still on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* I know I’ve bitched about this before, but the worst part of writing series previews is that I have to spend time at the opposing team’s website. For fuck’s sake, I’ve just spent an hour or more on the goddamn Mets website. I feel so dirty, I want to uninstall this unclean browser and install a new one like Chrome that’s never been to the Mets site.

* Or maybe I could invent a new Firefox extension that searches your history and removes any mention of the Mets. I’ll call it UnMet, or Sweep the Mets.

* Or Fuck the Mets.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.