WHY DOES IT MATTER?
This is going to be the cliff’s notes version of a game that I am fast-forwarding through not because I’m lazy, but because I’m a thousand miles from sober and some of us have to work in the morning.  So if you aren’t up for reading my random thoughts along with a little dab o’baseball, I would politely ask that you to fuck off.

LET’S PLAY BALL

Noscorenoscorenoscorenoscorenoscore

Someone got a hit. Who is this paulino fellow and why isn’t he in the lineup everyday? Sombitch.  Why are the astros unable to get anything out of the middle of the order.  That really needs to change.

I have a ridiculous amount of change in my wallet right now.  Entering the beltway the other day, I handed the toll worker a fiver and she gave me back four dollars all in jingly change.  I didn’t ask for that it that way and wasn’t ready for it, as is evidenced by my left wrist which is now “stove up“ (or is it “locked up”? I always confuse the two) from the 3 pounds of coinage that was plunked into my hand.   

Hate. The. cubs.

Fastforwardfastforwardfastforward

How old is carlos silva?

2x…15x…go faster!

Ok, cool. The astros are ahead. Paulino must be comfortable out there.   Cubs fans are horrid, horrid creatures.  Or, as my kid would say: bigscusting.   

I’m actually really excited about following Manzella and Johnson this season.  And not at all in a restraining order way.  not yet, anyway. 

Uh oh.  What’s going on felipe?  Fuck.  I wonder what the gamezone has to say about this.

There should be leftover easter candy somewhere in this house. It’s down to the final remnants, so while I long for a peanut butter cup I know all I can really hope for is a kit kat, or a mini krackle at best.  Last weekend we made cookies from scratch and crushed up a couple handfuls of easter chocolates and added it to the mix.  They were fucking awesome.  Also – rum is always an acceptable substitute for vanilla extract. 

Damn. Other Lee just put the cubs ahead by 5.

Fuckthecubsfuckthecubsfuckthecubsfuckthecubs

Ninth inning…….
And, ballgame.

WHAT DID WE LEARN?
That “take five” is not only a stupid name for a candy bar, it is a piss poor excuse for one as well. It sounds lovely when you take a look at the ingredients: milk chocolate, peanuts, caramel, pretzel and peanut butter.  However, the execution of the middle three has been a disappointment.  Really, it’s up to those three to provide the punch and bring things together.  And to my taste, they’re not getting the job done.  While the key ingredients have much potential, overall it just falls flat.

The Astros lost. Their record stinks.  Roy is pitching Saturday.  Goodnight and good luck.

***Batgirl had some posting issues, so JaneDoe posted this for her.  Sorry its a little late.

hand of doom

everything fell apart in the 7th for the astros, who used a total of five pitchers in order to limp out of the inning.  houston watched their 2-1 lead disappear and were never able to come back, eventually losing the game 7-2.

master of reality

“First, I have to figure out if I’m going to be here next year.  I don’t know. I hope so.”

— Cecil Cooper on whether or not to wait until spring training to evaluate the September callups

into the void

if the astros lose for the 7th game in a row today, they eliminate themselves from postseason play

wicked world

what’s good about 70-78 records?  as you may have already guessed, it all depends on your perspective

oh my god!  what the fuck is going on here?!

by my count, your houston astros have allowed 39 runs over their last seven games.  and yet, they are only 2-5 on their current roadtrip.  a dead team?  says who?  hogwash!

so will there be an investigation?

meanwhile, drayton’s not ready to rule out redbull as the culprit of this season’s mysterious losses (and myriad lower-leg ailments).

but what are we supposed to do now?

mclane will not replace cecil cooper before the season is over.  it’s still astounding to me that a club that formerly prided itself on the fact that they had an extremely professional clubhouse, mostly devoid of cancerous big egos, rabble rousers and n’er do wells, would allow someone to come in and destroy the integrity of that atmosphere.  but here we are.  and there it is. 

it almost sounds dirty to admit it, but i would be all for offering bagwell the gig for the remaining games. 

i just feel so violated…

(ir)regardless of what happens, i plan to watch this team play out every game through the end of september.  and it’s not because the owners of this site pay me alot (thanks for the grammar lesson, JCIII) of money to show up and give 100% to writing these recaps.  and it’s not because i’m a glutton for punishment (i swear).  i just love this stupid game.  and i can’t quit it, even when it breaks my heart.  plus, i heard this somewhere once – it’s not over till it’s over. 

gamezone

mlb recap

adults drinking and smoking and being silly on tv was awesome.  the theme song was exceedingly danceable.  my young mind also understood the humor much more readily than “monty python” and “laugh in”, so in many ways, charles nelson reilly is a touchstone for my formative years.

get your blue index cards and big ass sharpies ready, because it’s time to meet the contestants!

Our returning champ is Geoff from Redwood City, California, and he is being challenged today by Cecil C.  Welcome to the show, and tell us a little about what do you do, Coop!

Wow!  It’s just great to be here. What do I do?  That’s kind of hard to explain…I’m usually just working on shaking things up a bit to try to get something going.  Some of my favorite hobbies are talking out of both sides of my mouth and throwing people under the bus.  But I’m really excited about the new book I’ve been asked to write, which, like me, should be out by the fall.  It’s called “Lineups From Dummies”. 

Don’t you mean “Lineups FOR Dummies”?

What?

What?  And here we go!  As always, we begin with our challenger, so Cecil here is your sentence:

“Waldo the baseball player was so superstitious…

HOW SUPERSTITIOUS WAS HE?!?!

…he was so superstitious, that before each and every game, he would touch his BLANK, five times”. 

While you think about that, Coop, let’s meet our panel –

He’s a successful businessman who loves champions – say hello to Drayton McLane Jr!

Please welcome the man that is currently holding his head in his hands, Mr. Ed Wade!

And putting herself right there in the middle of those two, as usual, it’s the irrepressible Pam Gardner!

Over in the front row –

The man wearing the “Really?!?” t-shirt with a disgusted look on his face – you know him as Brian Moehler!

You may have seen him at the vending machine around the corner, say “Hi” to Lance Berkman!

And finally, he’s no Delilah – live via satellite from Round Rock, it’s Chris Sampson!

OK Coop, we need your answer please.

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m going to say “Lineup Card”

“Waldo the baseball player was so superstitious, that just before each and every time game, he would touch his LINEUP CARD five times”.  Now let’s see if the panel agrees with you…

Drayton?  Show us what you wrote down.

I wrote “FANS”.

Pam?

I went with “WALLET”.

And how about you, Ed?

I actually said “LINEUP CARD”.

Let’s see – Moehler, Berkman and Sampson…you’ve not only left your cards blank, you’ve all turned your backs on the contestant as well, which makes it an automatic 1 point for Cecil.  OK – get ready, Geoff!  Here’s your sentence:  “My manager is SOOOO horrible…

HOW HORRIBLE IS HE?

…he’s SOOOO horrible, that the only logical explanation for him still having a job is that he regularly BLANKS the commissioner”. 

Geoff, you seem to be ready with your answer, but let’s start with the panel this time. 

Sampson?

I wrote “BLOWS”

Moehler?

I went with “FELATES”

What about you, Lance?

I just said the first thing that came to my mind – “SNACKS WITH”

Well, Geoff, it appears that the other half of our panel is ignoring the question, so let’s see if your answer matches up. 

Um, wait a second there, Geoff.  That’s not actually a card you are holding up…that’s more of a gesture.   Judges?

…and we’ll accept it!  Geoff, great job!  Three points for you!  Well played – we’ll definitely be seeing you for a little longer.

But as for you, Coop – that’s going to be it.  Our time with you has run out.  Thanks for stopping by.  Although your appearance here was short-lived, I think I speak for all of us when I say it seemed to drag on much longer than it should have.  But just because you’ve wrapped up things here with us, it doesn’t mean you are finished.  In fact, “Press Your Luck” tapes in another city.  You’d be a natural!

(This has been Astros Match ’09. A Mark Goodson-Tal Smith Production)

Be sure to tune in to the GZ  for more bloopers and outtakes of today’s show.  And catch this episode’s official summary if you missed anything, or just want to relive it in it’s entirety.

espn recap

that was an extremely tough game to watch the astros lose.  i’m definitely one of those fans that feels sick to their stomach after one of these, and with the division, wildcard and .500 seeming to slowly slip away, it is all the more painful to see the astros free-fall from contention in front of the BFiB.

ivana hitter

rodriguez and his double sevens have been hitting a horrid .091 over the last seven days, and they finally managed to break out of his 0-18 slump.  unfortunately, it was one or two at-bats too late.  when pudge struck out with the bases juiced to end the 5th inning, it brought the total number of men he had personally left in scoring position to 5.  total astros lob this game = 11

no, really, you take the W

alberto arias made sure to help the cardinals steal seal the victory by giving houston’s lead away in the 8th.  with one out, he hit pujols with a pitch, which set up holliday (who went 4-4 on the day) to line a double to right, scoring pujols and putting him in position to be the go ahead run…which holliday eventually was, when rick ankiel got it done with a single to make it (what would end up being a final) 4-3.  a most undeserved win for st. louis.

a solid 4

moehler looked good, though.  everyone thought so.  i guess everyone thought so.  i really didn’t hear what cooper had to say about his starter, but i did read this:

“Sometimes you get a little aggressive on him, and he just keeps moving it out a little further.  He just throws a lot of quality pitches.  Big League pitcher.  I drink take my hat off to him,”  LaRussa said after the game.

moehler has been to the astros what hampton should have been for the team this season.  hopefully he continues to stay solid as houston tries to piece it’s rotation back together.  if norris pitches well sunday, if oswalt comes back strong, and if wandy continues to look like an ace, mike hampton should consider asking his girlfriend about possible substitute teaching gigs for the fall.

its a lot of “if’s”, sure.  but it’s much better than too many “butt’s”.

best (partial) post-game quote

“…I got right up to my release point and it squirted out of my hand.  When I let go of it, I thought i was going to throw it halfway up the backstop.”

— Brian Moehler

if you have free time this weekend

and you need a little distraction, here’s some stuff you can try to pass the time:

— read random barzilla threads/books

— count the infinite number of places one can acquire steel tubs in the houston area/start numerous threads about something…ANYTHING….other than baseball and the astros

— take a case of left hand imperial stout (and video recording device) to coach’s house

or,if you want some basball, there’s always the stellar insights of:

gamezone

series preview

mctaggert’s take

chron’s boxscore

so, what was that? 

if you made it through the first third of the game the astros played against the giants on friday night, you know exactly what i am talking about.  you were saying it, too. 

but, a scant three innings earlier, as the game was starting i found myself singing thinking… 

maybe he’ll win

and why not?  paulino pitched extremely well in his last start against the tigers.  he’s shown some great stuff.  the astros have been putting together wins on the road.  it’s the last series before coming home to the weak loving arms of the pirates and nats.  the astros could go out, get the first one of three against the giants with a nice outing by felipe, and end the night with a .500 record.  no high expectations, mind you.  just some good-looking possibilities. 

loaded with danger   

it was obvious that paulino forgot to bring his location with him to the mound last night.  he was up in the zone.  no breaking ball to speak of.  hitting his spots?  uh, no.  the giants saw this, took advantage of his ineffectiveness, and waylaid him.  nine runs on nine hits in two innings.  with an eye toward saving the bullpen, coop let him twist in the wind for as long as possible, before bringing fulchino in to try and stop the bleeding.

conquering the space around him   

“I was like, ‘Wow, this is unbelievable,'” Paulino said. “I threw all my pitches, they hit everything I threw up there.”

the reality is, these kinds of games happen sometimes.  everyone knows and understands this.  even felipe paulino.  but the thing is, when you are part of a temporary 6-man rotation, and your team is trying to gear up to make their patented second-half run….well, you just can’t afford to have these things happen now. 

if paulino wants a spot in the rotation when it goes back to 5-man after the all-star break, he’s got to do a much better job of showing the astros that he can be counted on as a consistent number 4 or 5.  time is running out for him to get it together.  maybe getting smacked around by the giants will do him some good.  depending on how well ortiz pitches, paulino’s next outing has the potential to seal the deal. 

one thing leads to another

“You’ve just got to battle through it,” manager Cecil Geoff Blum said. “After two innings, you still have plenty of innings left to scratch back. But we didn’t put anybody on base.”

“We know that we’re down by nine, but we still have to keep the same approach we’ve had during the game,” Blum said. “We had scored a lot of runs the last couple of games, so I don’t think that any of us really wanted to push any harder than we needed to or panic too much. I still think we wanted to have some good [at-bats] and do the best we could when we got a pitch to hit.”

what blum said.  but the offense just wasn’t able to get anything going to combat the huge deficit they faced.  however, it should be noted, the kid that started for the giants was pretty exceptional.

the impression that you sell

despite the loss, the astros still find themselves very much in contention and poised to climb to the top of the standings over the next week.  and if they can find a way to hit lincecum and johnson, things look even better for the astros as they make their way back to houston for the final homestand going into the break. 

gbb’s series preview

the incredulousness of the GameZone

astros.com recap

my apologies in advance.  this recap is in no way going to even come close to doing justice to the game that the astros played on saturday against the tigers.

because that game?  that game we played? that game right there?  was the sparkly little gem that you hope to see at this point in the season. one of those all too rare games, when all the little pieces and fragments come together and fit just as they are supposed to, with the end result being great baseball.

bright and shiny

ladies and gentleman, introducing your 2009 houston astros – now with MORE! winning series, IMPROVED! pitching and BETTER! division standing – the same great team you’ve come to love, with an all NEW! look 

that’s taking it too far, sure.  and the astros have looked less than superb at times lately. but the suck hasn’t become an epidemic.  in fact, it hasn’t even become a trend.  there seems to be more of a sense of balance to these games –  even the ones that are lost.

for instance, when the team has made some pretty silly mistakes defensively (see berkman, lance) they are doing a much better job of making up for it offensively (see puma, the).

tejada continues to be hotter than your local heat advisory, and michael bourn is burning (and increasing his obp) for you.  berkman’s looking more like berkman. pence!!! is a golden god.  there seems to be an eye toward fixing the pitching situation (please see a fired-up brandon backe for more details) and more and more, you are seeing the bench is starting to come through for this team in some big situations.

rose colored glasses

could be the heat talking.  could be the eternal optimist in me.  could be the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.  but i like this team. i do.  they aren’t the prettiest looking on paper.  they aren’t causing the teams ahead of them in the division to lose any sleep.  but they are trying to show some scrap, and dangit, that’s what i expect from this team.   

cooper? i’m over it.  he’s of no concern to me any longer.  i’m also not worried about what does or doesn’t happen with the players that we likely won’t see after this season.  a trade? sure – why not?  no moves made until the astros are mathematically eliminated? another lovely choice. i’m with you.

only, keep playing the fire-in-the-belly baseball.  lose a game. lose a series. but play the remaining ones with heart. with passion. with intensity.

it’s been one dry season.  saturday found the astros en fuego.  may it spread as far and wide as possible before the all-star break.

actual game info

please see the GameZone

Twins 5

taggert’s recap

footer’s twitterings

There was plenty of good in this game.  Some bad, too.  But there was an overwhelming sense of ugliness to this one…

Ugly mainly because of the many, many less than attractive fans in MeMawsota. Some choosing to enhance the fug by wearing those hideous “cowboy hats” Saturday night.   (seriously – those have got to be some of the most scrofulous fans in baseball) 

But there were other aspects of the game that were U-G-L-Y.  And by other aspects, I mean Cecil Cooper.

He ain’t got no alibi

I don’t want to beat a dead horse (sorry carlos), but COME ON!  It’s as if Cooper isn’t watching the same games that the rest of us are.  It’s hard to shake loose of the image of Pudge practically begging for help from his skipper after not getting the call on what appeared to be both a swing and foul tip by Gomez in the bottom of the 5th.  Pudge saw it.  We saw it.  Hell, even Alkie heard it. 

How did Coop choose support his player?  He sat.  And sat.  And he continued to sit, while Pudge passionately tried to argue the call.  Homeplate umpire Jerry Lane must have been as annoyed with Cooper’s lack of leadership as the rest of us, because (ostensibly before Blum could come out there and take charge of the situation) he ejected Coop from the bench**.    

Of course once he was thrown out, Cooper found his legs actually were working and proceeded to agrue THAT call on the field for approximately 37 minutes.  Meanwhile, Moehler waited…

And waited.

And waited.

The Astros seemed a little rattled after their “manager” left the game.  Moehler ended up walking Gomez, who was then almost caught in a pick-off attempt, which resulted in a horribly executed rundown between 1st and 2nd, which gave the Twins a man on 2nd with one out.

They recovered, and got the next two outs to escape the inning.

That type of leadership is absolutely unacceptable unsatisfactory unbearable  intolerable (thanks, andy).  I’m finished trying to understandany logic behind Cooper and what he does/doesn’t do.  He needs to go away.  Soon.

The Good News

Moehler didn’t suck.  Yes, he gave up three solo homeruns.  Yes, he engaged in some sort of male machismo ritual with the Twins’ starting pitcher to see who would be the first to break their ankle on a comebacker.  But otherwise, he looked pretty good through his 6 innings, and deserved to get the win (that Hawkins and Valverde tried to give away in the eight and ninth.  residual ugliness).

The Puma caught a break and launched career HR #999 batting lefty in the top of the eighth.  He looks much more solid at the plate, and is hopefully beginning to truly bust out of his season-long funk.

Kata had an amazing defensive game, and did great job at second base.  Offensively, he was a little kaka.

Sampson pitched a scoreless inning of relief. 

Jason Michaels had a huge PH in the 7th, which tied the game, and kept the rally going for the Astros to add another 2 runs to take the lead.

He’s so 3000 and 8 

The absolute best highlight of the game was young Michael Bourn.  He continues to play like a freaking rock star, and was an integral part of the Astros 7th inning rally when he turned on an inside fastball and smashed one over the right field wall for his second homerun in 2 games.  That took the Astros to a 5-3 lead, and set the stage for the win.

It’s great to be able to watch a player like him develop the way that he has, and enjoy the success that he is obviously working hard to achieve.  Give Ed Wade a pat on the back the next time you see him.  The only thing that could possibly be better than Bourn being the future of the Astros, is if Cooper were made a permanent part of the PAST.

Hopefully the Astros can continue to find ways to win series despite the best efforts of Coop to derail their chances of getting on track.

what you missed in the gamezone

**The best call made from behind the plate all evening