Anyway, for the second time in two opportunities this season, four errors during a Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.38) start led to loss Wednesday night as the Astros lost to the Braves 6-3.  The loss wasted decent offensive performances from the remarkably mellow Jordan Schafer (.348), the diminutive Jose Altuve (.368) and the happy to be here/in need of a shave J.D. Martinez (.364), who hit his second dinger of the season in the first inning to give Houston their one and only lead of the game.

The Braves, who were making their last trip to Houston for the forseeable future, cashed in on wild pitches, shoddy defense and the sort of general malaise that the ticket-buying public possesses and HudsonHawk laments.  During a particularly forgettable fourth inning, Atlanta managed to bat around with assistance from three of the four Astros hamfistings in the top of the frame. After a few more innings of general slapdickery, they called it a game.

The loss dropped the Astros (3-3) to .500 for the season, which…yay?  Still better than expectations…still better than the Cubs.

Up next, 3 games against the Florida Miami Miracle Marlins in remarkably gaudy Marlins Park, which may or may not have Harvey Firestein working the PA.

The PA is reported to think the situation is fabulous.

As the last link to the 2005 World Series team, and the “best” pitcher on the roster, Rodriguez drew the opening day assignment for the first time in his career by default.  He managed the  general fuckwititry surrounding him as well as he could, delivering six and a third innings, allowing 6 hits, 2 walks and 3 runs, none earned.  So, quality start?  Hooray?  He also was credited with one of the errors, mainly because Jose Altuve had the Lollipop Guild song stuck in his head and forgot to cover first base on a bunt.  Allegedly.

Several of Rodriguez’s teammates in the infield joined the error parade, including Chris Johnson, Altuve and Jason Castro. Carlos Lee refused to participate in the shenanigans by refusing to move for most of the game.   If you live in Denver, Castro’s 8th inning gaff proved to be the game winner, and you’re likely very grateful, because who the hell wants to lose to this decades’ Pirates.   Otherwise, watching Castro launch a ball behind a frozen runner into center field, resulting in a two base error, looked like a 2011 highlight.

One bright spot: Contractyear Lee began his year long audition for a job in the American League next year as soon as possible by picking up an RBI in the 1st inning and knocking the snot out of a 4th inning offering from Jeremy Guthrie over the eternally unnecessary train tracks in left field.  Unfortunately, he didn’t hit the engineer, who apparently came straight to the game from an audition for a stage adaptation of 1993’s Super Mario Bros.

Overall, it appeared that despite wholesale changes in the front office and player ranks during the off-season, not much has changed from last season. There’s just not enough pitching or hitting to make up for a four error game.  The opener was a game that a mediocre team would have won.   The Astros will have to aspire to mediocrity for 2012.

Assuming the Mayans are wrong, next year, when they open with a loss to the Royals, maybe we’ll see some tangible progress.  But for now, at least baseball, or whatever it is the Astros were doing Friday night, is back.

But, hey, great tickets are still available.

Even the die-hard in me, the one who sat through the entire 7-5 loss to MLB’s most tatted-up team, the Arizona Douchebags Diamondbacks, has called it quits on the 2009 season. At 61-63, the Astros have a chance to finish with a winning record. Okay, mathematically, they have a chance to win the division or the wild card, or Miss Universe or whatever, but realistically, they have a chance to finish the season over .500.

Someone in the front office apparently noticed this little bit of news, as Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, was dealt to the Texas Rangers a week ago. The move was for a guy who’s playing second in AAA and a 22-year old pitcher currently in low Class-A Hickory. Not the Hoosiers Hickory. Because if the Astros had dealt for Jimmy Chitwood, that would be awesome. Even if it was Norman Dale, that’s a deal you can set your watch by. Or something. It’s a move that looks for all the world to be a white flag, although surrendering would imply that the Astros had been in a fight for the last few weeks. How else do you categorize dealing your starting catcher? Other than under ‘I’ for “It’s over Johnny.”

Since winning the opener of a series against the Mets, the Astros had gone 7-15 and dropped 9 games in the standings prior to the latest home stand. That’s more of a slaughter than a fight. Almost overnight, injuries and curious moves turned one of the hottest teams in baseball at the middle of July to a icy shell of a franchise in mid-August. Mathematically, there’s still a chance, although even the most optimistic, brick-colored glasses wearing die hard would be hard pressed to tell you how it could happen.

Normally, at this point, in this type of season, you’d want to look to the future, talk prospects. You would be “waiting til next year”, but there would be something to talk about. That may be the most frustrating part of this season and 2010. The immediate future for this team is already in Houston. Bud Norris, Yorman Bazardo, Sammy Gervacio have all made their Houston and/or Major League debuts in the last couple of weeks. Felipe Paulino is up as well. Unfortunately (or fortunately based on your view of their performances to date), that may be it. Next year, you might see Brian Bogusevic, Chris Johnson or Tommy Manzella up, or not, as they haven’t really distinguished themselves in AAA. Maybe Edwin Maysonet gets some much deserved playing time. But that’s it. As you know if you’ve taken a Bus Ride, the talent in this organization is, with very few exceptions, below AA this year. This is the hole that Tim Purpura’s drafts left the organization.

As has been covered, barring any moves in the off-season, the Astros will open with definite, undeniable holes at short, third, catcher, three of the rotation spots and just about half the bullpen. Pray for some moves, because there is nothing in the organization that could be moved up to address the majority of these positions.

Even if all of the prior rambling was fact instead of FACT!, this team isn’t a lot of fun to watch. For that, I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of one Cecil Cooper. The Astros’ manager, who appears to be auditioning for a job on the deck of the Titanic every time he pulls a pitcher, is at his personal end of days. Like Sherman’s march to the Sea, Cooper appears to be intent on setting fire to as many pitchers as he can get his hands on. Is there ever a reason to use 6 pitchers in a 4-2 victory? No. Stop thinking about it. Just like Cecil.

There have been a couple of telling quotes in recent weeks from Mr. Cooper. The first, in reference to his regular visits with Commissioner Bud Selig, most recently in mid-August went something like, “He likes to sit and talk baseball,” Cooper said. “If you go in his office, he could get pretty riled up about umpires and stuff like that. He’s just a guy that loved the game and loved to win. He’d get pretty upset if you didn’t win. He’s a good baseball person.”

He’d get pretty upset if you didn’t win. He’s a good baseball person. You gotta wonder if his little mood swings are actually based on the games, or have they become something he thinks he’s supposed to do.

The second little quote, which Cooper has reiterated a number of times in the last couple of weeks, “We need something to shake us pretty quickly,” Astros manager Cecil Cooper said. “Time is beginning to run out on us. We need to get a streak going.”

The Astros are the only team in baseball that hasn’t had a winning streak of at least five games this year. (When I say baseball, I’m only talking about the National League, because fuck them.) The Pirates have done it, the Reds have done it. Hell, the Nationals have done it.

The quote in and of itself is harmless, innocuous even. But Cooper says “streak” like it’s something that just happens without effort or thought, like Lindsay Lohan showing cooter, and that the Astros are owed one. You want a streak Cecil? How about this: learn how to manage a bullpen. Stop warming up and using (or not) 5, 6, 7 pitchers a game. Stop burning out your effective relievers. Stop jerking around your starting pitchers. Stop shuffling your batting order. Stop playing your older players (especially your shortstop and catcher) every single day because you’re afraid to sit them down every now and then. Streaks happen because teams play consistently good baseball for extended periods of time. It is impossible to play consistently good baseball for an extended period of time when you’re experimenting on players like you’re John Harvey Kellogg. When your hitters don’t know what the expectations are, when you have more lineups than Paris Hilton has sexually transmitted diseases, when starters know you don’t have their back, when your bullpen is extra crispy at the end of July, there will be no streaks. You get nothing. Good Day sir!

Did You Know?

A disappointing season isn’t new territory for Astros fans (or any fans of any baseball team, for that matter). There have been plenty of seasons that the team tanked, or started bad, or was never really in contention, or needed a miracle to win 80 games. The faulty memory of Houston sports fans will tell you that the Astros always underachieve, always produce dogs of teams. The reality is a little bit different.

To date, the Astros have completed 47 seasons of play, about to be 48. Overall, they’re 3799-3810, which is pretty impressive if you consider that the Houston franchise didn’t have a winning season until 1972, or eleven seasons in. Houston won at a .429 clip in the 60’s, and .493 in the 70’s. 12 of the franchise’s 19 losing seasons occurred before 1980.

Since 1980, Houston has had 21 winning seasons. The Astros won at a .522 rate in the 80’s, .523 in the 90’s and so far .518 in the oughts.

Overall the franchise has had 24 winning seasons, 19 losing seasons and 4 .500 finishes.

On a Personal Note

Thanks to everyone who was able to show up to my little birthday shindig. I very much appreciate it. And thanks for the gift. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with the picture, but the desk set was very nice.

Also, sorry this thing is a rambling mess. I have no real excuses other than the Astros make me crazy. Add to it that the upcoming months have me looking forward to A&M and Texans football, and, well…I’ll be spending a lot of time with my kids this fall.

Astros 2
Godless, mother-humping Cardinals 0

W: David S. “Bud” Norris (1-0, 0.90)
L: Adam Wainwright (12-7, 2.79)
S: Jose Valverde (12 saves, 2.70)

A: 45,227

Astros.com Recap

Bud Norris won hisself a game, and the Astros got back on the airplane after losing an assload of road games, 3 games in the standings, and most of their manhood.

It would be remarkably lazy to go with the whole “This Bud’s for you” angle on Bud Norris’ first major league start during which he gathered his first major league win (not to mention his first major league hit).  I will leave that to ESPN.  If Norris is as good as he was in his first start going forward, you can expect a lot of beer references.

The only thing that should be said is that the south doesn’t have the market cornered on rednecks.  “Bud” is proof that there are plenty of Dukes of Hazzard fans in Cali, as well.

Norris was great, taking advantage of the Cardinals lack of familarity, limiting the heathens to 2 hits over 7 innings.  I’m going to go ahead and say that was mostly him, because he no-hit the Cards into the 6th inning of Sunday’s game.  But I’ll be damned if the LaRussa’s charges didn’t look just like the Astros usually do when facing a new pitcher. Either way, he came up big in key spots (the key spots existed because Norris walked 4 Turdinals) and the bullpen held up, despite Cooper’s use of 38 pitchers to get the final 6 outs.  Guess what?  Wes Wright?  He can pitch to right handed hitters, too.

The offense continued to show just how inept they can be without Lance Berkman in the lineup. Houston collected 8 hits and managed to leave 7 men on base. They also took exactly zero (0) walks, showing little patience or understanding of what exactly a strike zone is.  Curiously, the Cooper moved the slumping Hunter Pence into the 3rd spot in the order.  Pence whose average had dropped to .290 (his lowest since April 17th) responded with 2 hits.  Great job, Cecil.

Michael Bourn and Miguel Tejada collected the two RBI that made the difference for Norris.

And because this is better than anything I could ever write…even if I was Jack Sutherford…

Jackastros has mad MS Paint skilz.

W – Michael William Hampton (5-5, 4.16)

L – Virgil Matthew Vasquez (1-2, 4.50)

SV – Jose Rafael Valverde (7, 3.86)

Attendance – A far sight less than the 26,834 tickets sold for this clash of the titans…

Astros.com Recap (Grodsky?)

Pirates.com Recap (Jenifer Langosch…Do your self a favor and don’t GIS her.)

Before the Game:

In honor of the Pirates coming to town, I made a big plate of haluski and heated up some pierogies.  If I could have found Yuengling, that would have been the trifecta.  But when faced with the option of Steel City Reserve or Shiner Black, Texas won.  Just like in the eventual, inevitable war of secession.  And also the game.

Prior to the game, Pirates manager John Russell had a closed door meeting with his team.  He reportedly told them, “Here’s my advice to you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.”

Game Recap:

There’s a lot being made of Mike Hampton winning 10 straight decisions against the Pittsburgh Pirates, 4 of them coming this season.  It’s sort of being glossed over that prior to the 2009 season he hadn’t faced them since 2004.  So Mike Hampton beat the Pirates again?  Oh that’s great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I’m not sweating it either.

Hampton wasn’t exactly sharp, but he didn’t really have to be to beat the last place Pirates.  Hampton allowed only six base runners in his seven innings, nibbled a bunch and took advantage of an alert defense behind him.  If only he could figure out how to do that against any team not from Pittsburgh.  On the other hand, he’s left-handed, so I assume he’ll be on someone’s 15-day D.L. for several more years, regardless of actual results.

By the way, I’m almost 38.  I don’t suffer from any sort of memory imparement that I’m aware of, but do you remember the Pirates being good?  Was Omar Moreno on the team then?

At the plate, the Astros got to Virgil Vasquez early, with Geoff Blum doing the damage in the bottom of the first with a 2-out, 2-run triple, plating Lance Berkman and Miguel Tejada .  Mostly to show how poorly Garrett Jones tracks baseballs hit, well, anywhere, the play was sent to New York for further review.  Or CB Bucknor needed a Dove Bar break.  One of those.

Miguel Tejada doubled in the other RBIs in this game in the fifth, scoring Hampton and Michael Bourn.

Outside of the totally necessary replay review in the bottom of the first, the only real drama in the game was in the eight inning, when set-up man LaTroy Hawkins gave Humberto Quintero what amounted to gas face.  Quintero approched the mound after Hawkins grimaced after a pitch…

Quintero: Your mind is as warped as your face, LaTroy

Hawkins:  Don’t get nasty, brother.

Quintero signaled for Rex Jones’ mustache to come out.  Rex came, too.  Quintero inquired, “Are you fond of that moustache?”

By this point, someone had jostled Cecil Cooper from his in-game coma, so he trotted out to the mound…

Hawkins: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can’t predict the future.

Cooper: We don’t have a relationship.

Hawkins: But we’re friends.

Cooper: Yes, and that’s all we’re *going* to be. Well, yes…

Hawkins: That’s all I meant by “relationship.” You want me to grab a dictionary?

After which, a bewildered Cooper returned to his restful slumber and Hawkins closed out the inning.

After the Game:

Oswalt: What’s the secret, Mike?

Hampton: The secret?

Oswalt: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.

Hampton: The secret, I don’t know… I guess you’ve just gotta find something you love to do and then… do it for the rest of your life. For me, it’s elementary school teachers.

Coming up:

Maholm versus Moehler.  Baseball fever.  Catch it.

Our friends at 1560 The Game sat down with Astros reliever Wes Wright to talk baseball, punching Perez Hilton and fashion?

Instead, you have one horrid team, 2 pretty good teams (and based on the level of competition, who knows how good they actually are), and 27 other teams all kind of lumped together playing mediocre, inconsistent baseball. Since mediocre and inconsistent should be in the logo for this year’s Astros team (now taking the field, Your Inconsistent Houston Mediocre Astros), they fit right in. And while realistically, most of the 27 are going to fall by the wayside over the next couple of months, the wild-card format allows for the opportunity for a 2007 Rockies (or 2005 Astros) type team to catch fire and ride it all the way to the World Series. So, right now, if you’re not the Nationals (or Diamondbacks, Royals or Indians) you probably consider yourself a “buyer”. Which is why it’s the perfect time for the Astros to become “sellers”.

The Astros have several free agents to consider after this season, none of whom are likely to back. Just operating off of memory here…Miguel Tejada, Jose Valverde, LaTroy Hawkins, Tim Byrdak, Pudge Rodriguez, Brandon Backe, Russ Ortiz and Mike Hampton are all free agents to be. Maybe Jason Michaels, Geoff Blum, and Darrin Erstad, too. They also have options on Doug Brocail (club) and Brian Moehler (mutual) to consider. On the current 25-man roster, you figure that Lance Berkman, Roy Oswalt, Carlos Lee, Hunter Pence, Wandy Rodriguez, Chris Sampson, Wesley Wright and Michael Bourn will almost certainly be back next year. Kaz Matsui too, but only because he is almost completely un-tradeable (and unlove-ed). By my count, that’s sixteen open positions on the 2010 team. Six. Teen. From this year’s roster, the Astros will still have Alberto Arias, Jeff Fulchino, Felipe Paulino, Humberto Quintero, Edwin Maysonet and Jeff Keppinger though some form of club control/arb-eligible blah blah blah stuff that smarter people than me can explain to you.

If the Astros had to open the 2010 season today, not only would their calendars be completely worthless, but it’s hard to say they could field a team. The infield would have Berkman at first, some combination of Matsui and Maysonet at second and big nasty question marks at third, short and catcher. The starting outfield, one of the most productive in baseball this year, comes back intact with Lee, Bourn and Pence, but right now there isn’t a fourth outfielder, not to mention a fifth outfielder, but the Astros aren’t carrying one of those right now anyway. The bench likely includes Keppinger, Quintero and whichever of Matsunet isn’t playing. The pitching looks to get a lot thinner (if you can imagine that) with Oswalt and Wandy at the top and three days of praying for rain. Right now, only Paulino has any major league experience as a starter, so I guess add him there. The bullpen would “feature” Wright, Sampson, Fulchino and Arias, but there’s no closer and no established set up man.

The organization doesn’t have a major league ready catcher (sorry Mr. Towles) and will need to answer internal questions at short (Tommy Manzella, maybe), third (ditto on Chris Johnson), in the outfield (Brian Bogusevic or Yordanny Ramirez) and on the mound. Is anyone out of a group that includes Bud Norris, Yorman Bazardo, and Polin Trinidad ready to be a major league starter? Is there a closer in the wind somewhere?

While the front office of your local nine is currently saying the right things about building this team, you have to wonder if they mean it when they’re 4 games out of a playoff spot. Are they content to get a slew of supplemental picks for letting guys leave at the end of the season? Are they really willing to part with a Miguel Tejada or Jose Valverde for the right deal? It’s pie in the sky, but if you could pry away a Clay Buchholz (or rather THE actual Clay Buchholz) from a contender who might need some offense as well as someone who could stand in the shortstop position play shortstop, how much would that hasten the rebuilding? If you could get Brandon Wood from the Angels for one of the top closers in baseball for their stretch run, would that help? If it makes it go smoother, the Astros could probably still part with Tejada and Valverde and stay just as much in contention as they are right now. Tell Drayton that, Mr. Wade.

This is the last gasp for the post-Bagwell/Biggio Astros (the Berkman/Oswalt Astros doesn’t sound as good), and while they could still make a run (and they probably will) the organization has to take the opportunity to look forward and be bold. Go on, forget about raging against the dying of the light and be “sellers”.

Everything Old Is New Again

History recycles. It’s green as hell in that patterns repeat, if you want to see them. I’ve struggled to come to terms with why this year’s Astros team isn’t all that interesting to me. I mean I watch the games, I read the articles and quotes, I even, from time to time actually discuss baseball (kinda) on various (one) media outlets. It hit me (conveniently in time to do another column) that I’ve seen this team before. Only then they were called the 1990 Houston Astros.

The 1990 team was, as most in the history of the Houston franchise to that point, a dog of a team, but they didn’t know it going to the season. The opening day roster featured Houston favorites, including Gerald Young, Craig Biggio, Billy Doran, Glenn Davis, and Ken Caminiti. Mike Scott was joined in the rotation by Jim Deshaies, Danny Darwin and Mark Portugal. The bullpen was led by closer Dave Smith, Larry Andersen, Juan Agosto and Charlie Kerfeld.

They had reason to believe that 1990 might be a pretty good season, by Houston standards anyway. Led by second year manager, Art Howe, the Astros were coming off a rebound 86-76 1989 campaign. Scott and Deshaies had combined for 35 wins. Davis and Doran were the stars and the motor for the team, offensively. Biggio, Caminiti, Portugal and Eric Yelding were exciting young players to watch. Plus the much anticipated Eric Anthony was going to take over in right field. It looked like Houston had a good mix of youth and experience and were poised to make a move.

They proceeded to completely fall apart. By Memorial Day, 1990, Houston was 14 games behind Cincinnati. It proceeded to get worse from there. Scott battled injuries. Deshaies had a bad season. Bill Gullickson got 32 starts. Davis played in only 93 games and was replaced by Franklin Stubbs at first. Gerald Young, Dave Smith, Alex Trevino, Charley Kerfeld, Juan Agosto, and Jim Clancy (thank god) were let go. Caminiti and Yelding regressed. Eric Anthony was Eric Anthony. Glenn Wilson retired to his gas station in Humble (or wherever). Doran was traded to the Reds for Terry McGriff, amongst others. And Larry Andersen was traded to the Boston Red Sox for some skinny AA third baseman who was buried in their organization. Houston finished the 1990 season in 4th place in the National League West, at 75-87, 16 games back.

All told, sixteen players who opened the 1990 season with the Astros were elsewhere by April 8th, 1991. It was as complete a flush of a sports organization as has ever been seen in Houston, and predictably, the Astros finished even worse in 1991 at 65-97. However, Jeff Bagwell, Steve Finley, Pete Harnisch, Kenny Lofton, Curt Schilling, Scott Servais and Tony Eusebio all made their Houston debuts. Luis Gonzalez, Andujar Cedeno, and Darryl Kile and Caminiti played their first really meaningful stretches with the Astros.

The moves in 1990 and 1991 were the foundation for an 15-year stretch that saw your Houston Astros go 1272-1093 (.538) with 6 playoff appearances and a National League Pennant. From 1994 to 2006, the Astros either first or second in their division 12 of those 13 seasons. It’s the greatest stretch in Astros history, by any measure. It changed the perception of the Houston franchise throughout baseball.

It feels like there’s a similar opportunity, just 19 years later.

No.  I have no idea what’s going on with the pony tail song.