I haven't followed baseball much over the last five years or so. However, fuck the Cubs. Fuck the Cubs for every shithead man and woman around the country who, bored with the withering demands of conformity, finds nobility and self-worth in the fleeting success of this pathetic baseball team. Let us all be clear about what The Chicago Cubs are: 100 years of mediocrity suddenly winning now through plucky grit keen strategic innovation homegrown athleticism an aristocratic billionaire who got rich by ripping off ordinary Americans investing in the stock market. These "lovable losers" are a perfect metaphor for the Paypal valhalla that is Hilary's America; at surface level the representative of a high and prosperous character, but upon closer inspection being a mass estate sale of the underwear and book collections of a dead reality. The Cubs are like some shit-ass boy band, admired by adults posing as adolescents on facebook, cherished for the reassuring safety of their chest-hair-less song and dance. One of the major criticisms of modern baseball is that it has become a paean to a long-ago era in America before white people had to check their privilege. This may or may not be true, but if it is then the goddamned motherfucking Cubs are surely the Strom Thurmonds of the movement. They play in a pre-segregation ballpark in the white part of a deeply racially divided city, filled night after night by rich white people living their own "The Chicago Cubs" entry on "Stuff White People Like.com." And lost in their debit card pilgrimage, of course, is that the black part of the city already won a world series just a few years ago, but this doesn't count because it did not happen through the imagined hardships that these safety-first fuckfaces never endured. And you know what else? Fuck Bill Murray. This asshole has become the embodiment of everything that sucks about this lame-dick baseball team. He was once a lovable schlub just like the unemployed bratwurst fuckers who once squatted in the bleachers in that sad barn of a ballpark. He was a genuinely funny comedian who brought an endearing ambivalence to great works of art like Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, and The Man Who Knew Too Little. But then he started doing those goddamn Wes Anderson movies and at first it seemed like an intriguing departure, but then he started playing that same sad bastard character in every fucking movie, and he stopped being funny. He became "ironic" and fuck fuck fuck "ironic." Any goddamned barista can be ironic just by writing some shit on a coffee cup, but Bill Murray was at one time actually funny. And then he became the voice of Garfield, and now he's front and center in this Cubs shit parade, hogging the TV cameras, pretending to cry, PRETENDING to be that lovable schlub who once really did occupy those bleachers. And that is why I say "Fuck the Cubs." They are a pity parade pretending to be a warm-hearted product of persistence. They are a still-life painting of a fruit basket that suddenly turns into a SUCCESS poster as soon as you put it on the wall. They are the worst and they should fucking die, along with every asshole who feels the blanketing piss of warmth this morning because of the outcome of a baseball game.
