Finally In NYC (Notes From Last Leg of Trip)

[Alkie]

I'm dead tired, but not from the drive.  The drive was fine.  Except for the Holland Tunnel part of it.  Thanks to chuck and anyone else from NYC for warning me that everyone from NYC returns to the city from their weekend jaunts on the Holland Tunnel at 2pm on Sunday.  News I could have used yesterday.

Straight to notes:

- I spent some quality time in some quality states today.   23 minutes in West Virginia.  13 minutes in Maryland.   Good time had by all and about the max I suggest spending in either state.

- I have two new least favorite states and am trying to decide which one will go first.   Virginia and Pennsylvania.  Granted, I started with a chip on my shoulder regarding PA, but still.   Virginia isn't for lovers.  It's for traffic cops.  I hear the moving violations are really nice this time of year.

- Which leads me to..............the official unveiling of the Alkie 2009 Barstow, California Shittiest City In America Award.   Yes, as you expected, this year (and maybe every year from now on) goes to Allentown, PA.   For those of you from Allentown, you owe me an apology.  Your town is a shithole of the highest order and should be wiped off the face of the Earth.   I've never seen so many defeated faces.  Not people who feel defeated, people who have actually all already lost the game of life and have to live in Allentown.   I had heard it was kind of a pit, but wow.   It's a perfect storm of ugly people, bad food, terrible layout, awful weather, and no economy.   No one smiled.   Now I know why.

- FACT:  The hot Germans moved to Texas.  The other ones moved to Pennsylvania. 

- The Dutch that settled in PA aren't as cool as the Dutch who settled in the Netherlands.

- We moved into our apartment tonight, a day early.  Something we could never do in Texas.  Have you ever tried to move into a rental a day before the lease?   I have.   I was laughed at.  Then yelled at.   Not here.   Let me right in. 

- The best view from our 17th floor apartment on the Upper West Side isn't any of the 6 you'd think of.  No, it's from our bathroom, looking north (?) and you can only see it if you sit on our sink.   Someone fucked up.  Badly.   So we're moving the dining table to our bathroom and peeing in the kitchen sink.

- THERE'S A PLANE HEADED RIGHT FOR THAT BUILDING.  Apparently that building is an airport and I've been told to stop being so fucking paranoid. 

- 524 restaurants deliver to my apartment.   On a Sunday.   There are 4 gourmet grocery stores within 6 blocks of my apartment.   I am never leaving this place.   Mostly because I don't have to.  I hope someone knows how to deliver exercise.

- Who the fuck gets allergies in NYC?  Apparently me.   Goodie.

- Did you realize there is 21 hours a day of sun in NYC during the summer?   Also, there is no sun from October thru February.   November to February if the Yanks make the Series.

- Moving companies should be run out of business.   Our stuff will be here, I shit you not, "between June 1 and June 10."   When will we know when it'll be here?   Because there will be a fucking van in front of our apartment.  How do people run a business like this in 2009?   Have a van and some logistics experience?   Call me, we're going to be billionaires.

- 525 restaurants.  Another one just opened in the last 14 seconds.

- Party at my place in 15 minutes.  Y'all invited.

[subnuclear]

The Pennsylvania Dutch are actually Germans.   Not sure if you meant them or you ran into some actual Dutch people. 

[ferret]

Did you make a stop in Slidell?

[Alkie]

Did you make a stop in Slidell?

When I say none of our road trip plans came to fruition, I mean that.

We were supposed to stop for a last Texas meal in Orange...didn't happen.  Thank to late movers.
We were supposed to get into Baton Rouge for dinner...didn't happen.   Same reason.
We were supposed to stay in BR for the morning and leave to hit Slidell for lunch then on to Birmingham.  There was no internet connection in our hotel in BR, so we figured FINE, we'll get up early, drive to Bham and I can work the afternoon from there instead of the morning from BR.   We drove thru Slidell at about 8:15a.
We were supposed to work from Bham that afternoon.   No internet there either.  Sheraton fucking sucks.   
We were supposed to stop in Roanoke the next night.   Got out so early we hit Roanoke at 4pm and figured, well, I think I'd rather drive than spend 2 more hours in Roanoke.  Drove to Harrisonburg. 
We were supposed to sleep in Newark tonight.   Got to Newark at 2pm, figured what the fuck, let's see if they'll give us the keys a day early.  They did.   So, we're sitting in our new living room while paying for a hotel in Newark that hasn't been checked in to yet.

Yes sir, well planned, well executed.  Standard Alkie family road trip.

[Alkie]

The Pennsylvania Dutch are actually Germans.   Not sure if you meant them or you ran into some actual Dutch people. 

I can't believe I forgot that fact.  It explains literally everything.

[ferret]

When I say none of our road trip plans came to fruition, I mean that.

We were supposed to stop for a last Texas meal in Orange...didn't happen.  Thank to late movers.
We were supposed to get into Baton Rouge for dinner...didn't happen.   Same reason.
We were supposed to stay in BR for the morning and leave to hit Slidell for lunch then on to Birmingham.  There was no internet connection in our hotel in BR, so we figured FINE, we'll get up early, drive to Bham and I can work the afternoon from there instead of the morning from BR.   We drove thru Slidell at about 8:15a.
We were supposed to work from Bham that afternoon.   No internet there either.  Sheraton fucking sucks.   
We were supposed to stop in Roanoke the next night.   Got out so early we hit Roanoke at 4pm and figured, well, I think I'd rather drive than spend 2 more hours in Roanoke.  Drove to Harrisonburg. 
We were supposed to sleep in Newark tonight.   Got to Newark at 2pm, figured what the fuck, let's see if they'll give us the keys a day early.  They did.   So, we're sitting in our new living room while paying for a hotel in Newark that hasn't been checked in to yet.

Yes sir, well planned, well executed.  Standard Alkie family road trip.

Best laid plans etc.  But you made it.  Life is an adventure, or so I've heard.  Personally I think it's one big pain in the ass after another. 

[Alkie]

Best laid plans etc.  But you made it.  Life is an adventure, or so I've heard.  Personally I think it's one big pain in the ass after another. 

Oh obviously.   The 1:45 wait on the Holland Tunnel was not what I'd call fun, but it added to the experience.

The air here smells like meat-on-a-stick and a man sells Belgian ales 2 doors down from me.   It's 68 degrees outside right now and not a cloud in the sky.   Jazz on the radio and the most perfect day of the year to move to this place.

Get back to me in January.   We can plan my homecoming party.

[ferret]

Oh obviously.   The 1:45 wait on the Holland Tunnel was not what I'd call fun, but it added to the experience.

The air here smells like meat-on-a-stick and a man sells Belgian ales 2 doors down from me.   It's 68 degrees outside right now and not a cloud in the sky.   Jazz on the radio and the most perfect day of the year to move to this place.

Get back to me in January.   We can plan my homecoming party.

Excellent. Point me towards the Guggenheim. 

[Alkie]

Excellent. Point me towards the Guggenheim. 

I am looking at it from across the park.    C'mon over.

[ferret]

I am looking at it from across the park.    C'mon over.

Do not for one instant think that I wont.

[Reuben]

Hey, welcome to NYC, man. Hope the settling-in goes smoothly.

By the way, who else on here lives in/frequents NYC? I wonder if it would be worth it to try and put together some sort of SNS Northeast Branch outing to take in the Astros at New Shea in October (and no, I am not making crazy BBG-defying playoff predictions).

[Alkie]

Do not for one instant think that I wont.

Do not think for one instant that I'm kidding.

[Alkie]

Hey, welcome to NYC, man. Hope the settling-in goes smoothly.

By the way, who else on here lives in/frequents NYC? I wonder if it would be worth it to try and put together some sort of SNS Northeast Branch outing to take in the Astros at New Shea in October (and no, I am not making crazy BBG-defying playoff predictions).

Wait just a fucking second.  Are you up here too?

[Reuben]

Wait just a fucking second.  Are you up here too?

Yeah, I live in Ft. Greene, in Brooklyn. Didn't have to drive quite so far though, just from North Carolina.

By the way, you're pretty much shit-outta-luck if you want really good Mexican food here. But you probably knew that.

[Alkie]

Yeah, I live in Ft. Greene, in Brooklyn. Didn't have to drive quite so far though, just from North Carolina.

No shit.  Since when?   Ft Greene?   Man, that's like in Siberia, right?   That's for you, chuck.

[Reuben]

No shit.  Since when?   Ft Greene?   Man, that's like in Siberia, right?   That's for you, chuck.

I think it's a little closer than New Haven, as the crow flies. Nah, actually just two stops from Union Square on the Q, not so bad.

I've been here for two years.

[chuck]

No shit.  Since when?   Ft Greene?   Man, that's like in Siberia, right?   That's for you, chuck.

Yeah, hilarious. Look, pal, jokes going to be on you when you move to Park Slope in two or three years. Reuben and I'll throw you a welcoming party.

[Bench]

I'm dead tired, but not from the drive.  The drive was fine.  Except for the Holland Tunnel part of it.  Thanks to chuck and anyone else from NYC for warning me that everyone from NYC returns to the city from their weekend jaunts on the Holland Tunnel at 2pm on Sunday.  News I could have used yesterday.

Straight to notes:

- I spent some quality time in some quality states today.   23 minutes in West Virginia.  13 minutes in Maryland.   Good time had by all and about the max I suggest spending in either state.

- I have two new least favorite states and am trying to decide which one will go first.   Virginia and Pennsylvania.  Granted, I started with a chip on my shoulder regarding PA, but still.   Virginia isn't for lovers.  It's for traffic cops.  I hear the moving violations are really nice this time of year.

- Which leads me to..............the official unveiling of the Alkie 2009 Barstow, California Shittiest City In America Award.   Yes, as you expected, this year (and maybe every year from now on) goes to Allentown, PA.   For those of you from Allentown, you owe me an apology.  Your town is a shithole of the highest order and should be wiped off the face of the Earth.   I've never seen so many defeated faces.  Not people who feel defeated, people who have actually all already lost the game of life and have to live in Allentown.   I had heard it was kind of a pit, but wow.   It's a perfect storm of ugly people, bad food, terrible layout, awful weather, and no economy.   No one smiled.   Now I know why.

- FACT:  The hot Germans moved to Texas.  The other ones moved to Pennsylvania. 

- The Dutch that settled in PA aren't as cool as the Dutch who settled in the Netherlands.

- We moved into our apartment tonight, a day early.  Something we could never do in Texas.  Have you ever tried to move into a rental a day before the lease?   I have.   I was laughed at.  Then yelled at.   Not here.   Let me right in. 

- The best view from our 17th floor apartment on the Upper West Side isn't any of the 6 you'd think of.  No, it's from our bathroom, looking north (?) and you can only see it if you sit on our sink.   Someone fucked up.  Badly.   So we're moving the dining table to our bathroom and peeing in the kitchen sink.

- THERE'S A PLANE HEADED RIGHT FOR THAT BUILDING.  Apparently that building is an airport and I've been told to stop being so fucking paranoid. 

- 524 restaurants deliver to my apartment.   On a Sunday.   There are 4 gourmet grocery stores within 6 blocks of my apartment.   I am never leaving this place.   Mostly because I don't have to.  I hope someone knows how to deliver exercise.

- Who the fuck gets allergies in NYC?  Apparently me.   Goodie.

- Did you realize there is 21 hours a day of sun in NYC during the summer?   Also, there is no sun from October thru February.   November to February if the Yanks make the Series.

- Moving companies should be run out of business.   Our stuff will be here, I shit you not, "between June 1 and June 10."   When will we know when it'll be here?   Because there will be a fucking van in front of our apartment.  How do people run a business like this in 2009?   Have a van and some logistics experience?   Call me, we're going to be billionaires.

- 525 restaurants.  Another one just opened in the last 14 seconds.

- Party at my place in 15 minutes.  Y'all invited.

New York is awesome.  If you can't have fun there, you can't have fun anywhere.  Enjoy, and never lose your engaged sense of detachment. 

[Guinness]

Allentown has been like that since at least the 70s.  My sister married a guy from there and moved there and they were divorced within a year.  When we would go to visit, my younger sister and I thought everyone looked 'bent', like bent over.  Perhaps it was the crushing awfulness that is Allentown.

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today


Good luck on your move.  NYC sounds like London from what I've heard, and London is a great, funny, very weird, frustrating isolated worldly place.  Make yourself have fun.

[Astroholic]

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today

Some nerve quoting a worthless hack.

[MusicMan]

now putting astroholic on ignore.

[Alkie]

You ignore people with taste?

[Duman]

Here we go again with the Billy Joel is crap or he's great stuff again.  Why can't we all just get along.

[Andyzipp]

Here we go again with the Billy Joel is crap or he's great stuff again.  Why can't we all just get along.

Because the Astros suck.  There was no in-fighting or arguing when the Astros were in the World Series.

[Astroholic]

now putting astroholic on ignore.

Go ahead.  Now, I can't get that piece of shit song out of my head. 


For what its worth, my wife likes Billy J.  (I was just going to use his initials BJ, but....well you know, that would not have sounded right.)

[Holly]

DH just the other day suggested that he skip going to my sister's wedding in California in 3 weeks, to save some money, so that he and I can make a trip to NYC this year. So, we may be up in your neck of the woods, Alkie. We'll be flying on SW (into Islip, I guess?) so we could smuggle in some goods, if ya want. I'll let you know.

[HudsonHawk]

- Moving companies should be run out of business.   Our stuff will be here, I shit you not, "between June 1 and June 10."   When will we know when it'll be here?   Because there will be a fucking van in front of our apartment.  How do people run a business like this in 2009?   Have a van and some logistics experience?   Call me, we're going to be billionaires.

If you got only a 10-day window, you're the luckiest suminabitch who ever moved.  When I moved from TX to NC, they came and packed up my stuff on July 17th and said we'll be there sometime in August.  We'll call you when we're an hour away.

[Limey]

Allentown has been like that since at least the 70s.  My sister married a guy from there and moved there and they were divorced within a year.  When we would go to visit, my younger sister and I thought everyone looked 'bent', like bent over.  Perhaps it was the crushing awfulness that is Allentown.

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today


Good luck on your move.  NYC sounds like London from what I've heard, and London is a great, funny, very weird, frustrating isolated worldly place.  Make yourself have fun.

My ex-inlaws lived in the back woods of PA.  I ended up doing a lot of touring around that part of the world as a result.  Never went to Allentown, but there's an ocean of blighted towns and villages back there.  The people have resorted to financial cannibalism, whereby they go to great pains to fuck over anyone and anyone they can for a few dollars.  They don't care if it's someone they've know for a long time, they just cash-grab and damn the consequences.  It's a brutal life.

[Taras Bulba]

On the subject of "stuff," I've spent the better part of three weekends and most evenings of the week at my mom's house, throwing away stuff, carting away stuff to Goodwill, giving away stuff, and pouring through mounds of saved records, pictures, keepsakes, whatever.  I implore all of you to go through life LIGHT.  Stuff just ain't worth going through life with, tied around you like an anchor.  In the end, it's a pain in the ass for someone to deal with and ends up getting dispersed.  Fit whatever is sentimental to you in one (1) modest sized box and leave that as your legacy.  Don't save your kids' high chairs, EVERY picture they drew in first grade, and at least three (3) photographs of every person even remotely related to you.  

It's good to save the baseball cards.  Mom did okay there.

[Alkie]

If you got only a 10-day window, you're the luckiest suminabitch who ever moved.  When I moved from TX to NC, they came and packed up my stuff on July 17th and said we'll be there sometime in August.  We'll call you when we're an hour away.

Awesome.

I'd feel better except the email I just got from the cunt who is our "contact" and who was supposed to give me a definite ETA today just told me:

I do not believe that it will be in the next few days.  I will keep you posted everyday!

I'll kill you.

[Guinness]

On the subject of "stuff," I've spent the better part of three weekends and most evenings of the week at my mom's house, throwing away stuff, carting away stuff to Goodwill, giving away stuff, and pouring through mounds of saved records, pictures, keepsakes, whatever.  I implore all of you to go through life LIGHT.  

That is absolutely true.  We've moved 8 times in the past 10 years, including 5 international moves and we now understand the beauty of 'packing light'.  We're also extremely unsentimental people, so we do tend to throw things away a lot anyway, but basically last August we moved from the UK to Houston bringing only luggage and shipping 20 boxes worth of stuff. 

[subnuclear]

My ex-inlaws lived in the back woods of PA.  I ended up doing a lot of touring around that part of the world as a result.  Never went to Allentown, but there's an ocean of blighted towns and villages back there.  The people have resorted to financial cannibalism, whereby they go to great pains to fuck over anyone and anyone they can for a few dollars.  They don't care if it's someone they've know for a long time, they just cash-grab and damn the consequences.  It's a brutal life.

My father is from a small former steel town in PA (appropriately name Steelton).   I would say the average age there is 68 and the major source of income is Social Security.  Its very pretty there, though.     My dad's uncle owned a sort-of-an-island (more like a big sand bar with trees) in the Sesquahanna that he built a log cabin on out of telephone poles that washed up there during a flood.     That was the most awesome place in the universe when I was a kid.  

[Arky Vaughan]

- We moved into our apartment tonight, a day early.  Something we could never do in Texas.  Have you ever tried to move into a rental a day before the lease?   I have.   I was laughed at.  Then yelled at.   Not here.   Let me right in. 

For $14,000 monthly for a studio, I suppose you get some perks.

[ybbodeus]

Go ahead.  Now, I can't get that piece of shit song out of my head. 

Cue Turnstiles:  "...and he'll go to his grave as an angry, old man."

Billy Joel's all over the map with his music, but some of it is downright fantastic.  (Memo:  I'm a piano player)

[Andyzipp]

For $14,000 monthly for a studio, I suppose you get some perks.

In NYC?  He also gets a guarantee that he won't see* any rats for 3 months.


*Hearing and Smelling does not constitute visual confirmation of rodents.

[Limey]

My father is from a small former steel town in PA (appropriately name Steelton).   I would say the average age there is 68 and the major source of income is Social Security.  Its very pretty there, though.     My dad's uncle owned a sort-of-an-island (more like a big sand bar with trees) in the Sesquahanna that he built a log cabin on out of telephone poles that washed up there during a flood.     That was the most awesome place in the universe when I was a kid.  

The inlaws were just outside Coudersport, which is slap-bang in the middle of nowhere.  Very pretty up there - it's the only place I've ever seen the Milky Way with the naked eye.  Tough place to make a living.

[Arky Vaughan]

If you got only a 10-day window, you're the luckiest suminabitch who ever moved.  When I moved from TX to NC, they came and packed up my stuff on July 17th and said we'll be there sometime in August.  We'll call you when we're an hour away.

Better yet, if you're not there when they arrive, they reserve the right to sell it to Nigerians via Craig's List.

[Arky Vaughan]

The inlaws were just outside Coudersport, which is slap-bang in the middle of nowhere.  Very pretty up there - it's the only place I've ever seen the Milky Way with the naked eye.  Tough place to make a living.

Seems like there are a lot of ways you could mispronounce "Coudersport."

[Limey]

Seems like there are a lot of ways you could mispronounce "Coudersport."

I'm sure.  The locals say "Cow - derz - port".

[MusicMan]

You ignore people with taste?

Why do you think I keep replying to you?

[BudGirl]

Why do you think I keep replying to you?

to build up your post count?

[otterjb]

New York is awesome.  If you can't have fun there, you can't have fun anywhere.  Enjoy, and never lose your engaged sense of detachment. 

Agree. It's an incredible place. It's pretty much all there, good, bad and everything in between. (except really good Mexican food and cheap real estate)

[Alkie]

Better yet, if you're not there when they arrive, they reserve the right to sell it to Nigerians via Craig's List.

I am seriously getting the feeling that's already been done.

[Arky Vaughan]

I am seriously getting the feeling that's already been done.

Do you have anything the Nigerians might want?

[Ron Brand]

Do you have anything the Nigerians might want?

PERHAPS HE COULD ASSIST DR CLEMENT OKON A TOP NIGERIAN OFFICIAL WHO IS NOT ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE SUM OF US$21,320,000(TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUSAND U.S. DOLLARS) AS HE IS A TOP FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL.

[Alkie]

Do you have anything the Nigerians might want?

I must.  They sent me a cashier's check for twice what I was asking on Craigslist.

[otterjb]

There was someone on another board that won 42.7 million from the Microsoft London Lottery. I play that all the time, but never win. Lucky guy.

[Alkie]

That was me.  I'd like to share it with you with good tidings shall you please.

[otterjb]

That was me.  I'd like to share it with you with good tidings shall you please.

Ye shall! or how bout just a NY street hotdog, wrapped in a plain envelope and sent through the mail. Mustard and relish please.

[Alkie]

Ye shall! or how bout just a NY street hotdog, wrapped in a plain envelope and sent through the mail. Mustard and relish please.

Christ.  I'd have to walk ALL.  THE WAY.  ACROSS THE STREET.  to get you a dirty water dog.

I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me.   We have a strict two-doors-down rule.

[MRaup]

Ye shall! or how bout just a NY street hotdog, wrapped in a plain envelope and sent through the mail. Mustard and relish please.

What're you going to do with A-Rod covered in mustard and relish?

[otterjb]

What're you going to do with A-Rod covered in mustard and relish?

I think I'd take a shit on it and forward it to Steinbrenner.

[austro]

What're you going to do with A-Rod covered in mustard and relish?

Lean it up against a mirror and take a photograph.

[Alkie]

What're you going to do with A-Rod covered in mustard and relish?

I saw ARod at our grocery store last night.   I always imagined him to be much taller and significantly older.   And it really surprised me that he was sweeping the floors at the Market.  NY, man.

[Arky Vaughan]

You sound like the Clampetts just after rolling into Beverly Hills. Do you have one of them indoor outhouses too, Uncle Jed?

[Alkie]

Actually, we do.   There's a planter on our terrace that is perfect for wizzing in so's you don't have to go all the way back insides when you're drinking Schlitz up on the balcony at night.

Hoowee.

ARod just walked past my office building.  I imagined him being thinner.  And less Jewish.   I'm surprised to see him with a yarmulke and a briefcase.

[austro]

ARod just walked past my office building.  I imagined him being thinner.  And less Jewish.   I'm surprised to see him with a yarmulke and a briefcase.

That was Todd.

[Alkie]

You know what's funny?  I've seen two guys in Astros shit since I've been here and I really wanted to walk up to both of them and introduce myself as Alkie, assuming they MUST be from the site.

[chuck]

You sound like the Clampetts just after rolling into Beverly Hills. Do you have one of them indoor outhouses too, Uncle Jed?

Doesn't he, though? Hey, Alkie, be sure to wear a t-shirt beneath your overalls. Going shirtless is considered ill-mannered. I mean, I know it's after Memorial Day and all, just trust me.

[Arky Vaughan]

Doesn't he, though? Hey, Alkie, be sure to wear a t-shirt beneath your overalls. Going shirtless is considered ill-mannered. I mean, I know it's after Memorial Day and all, just trust me.

Exactly what would the appropriate dates be for Alkie to go shirtless?

[GreatBagwellsBeard]

Big deal.  Last time I was in Manhattan, I saw Sarah Jessica Parker in Central Park, pulling a carriage for the tourists.

[Andyzipp]

Big deal.  Last time I was in Manhattan, I saw Sarah Jessica Parker in Central Park, pulling a carriage for the tourists.

Did you feed her any Beefarini?  I hope not.

[Alkie]

Exactly what would the appropriate dates be for Alkie to go shirtless?

You boys are just jealous.  It took YEARS to bring Guillermo (my drinking panza) up to 2009 levels.   Do you have any idea how hard it is to look pregnant without even having the necessary junk inside?

[Arky Vaughan]

Do you have any idea how hard it is to look pregnant without even having the necessary junk inside?

Yes. Yes, I do.

[Gizzmonic]

Yes. Yes, I do.

Isn't there a Taco Bell commercial about that?

[Noe]

I think so, it goes something like this: "Screw Jared!"

[JimR]

did something happen to Alkie? no update today?

[Alkie]

Already here.  Nothing to update now.

I did eat lunch at HILL COUNTRY, a block from my office.  It's a Lockhart style BBQ joint.   They even fly up Kreuz sausages, Big Red, and Blue Bell.   It was ok, but nothing great.   It'll tide me over on Horns game days.

Smell my finger.

[JimR]

Already here.  Nothing to update now.

I did eat lunch at HILL COUNTRY, a block from my office.  It's a Lockhart style BBQ joint.   They even fly up Kreuz sausages, Big Red, and Blue Bell.   It was ok, but nothing great.   It'll tide me over on Horns game days.

Smell my finger.

thank goodness! i thought you had been mugged in Central Park.

[Andyzipp]

thank goodness! i thought you had been mugged in Central Park.

According to my calendar, he should be hooked on smack and turned out by now.

It is 1983, isn't it?

[Bench]

Already here.  Nothing to update now.

I did eat lunch at HILL COUNTRY, a block from my office.  It's a Lockhart style BBQ joint.   They even fly up Kreuz sausages, Big Red, and Blue Bell.   It was ok, but nothing great.   It'll tide me over on Horns game days.

Smell my finger.

And they sell bottles of Becker Vineyards there too!  Yummm, fancy Texas wine...

[HudsonHawk]

And they sell bottles of Becker Vineyards there too!  Yummm, fancy Texas wine...

The folks at Becker are assholes.

[Bench]

The folks at Becker are assholes.

My parents know Dr. Becker pretty well and they don't think he's an asshole, though there really is no reason for him to be cruising down 290 in a yellow Maserati.

Good wine, though.

[Gizzmonic]

The folks at Becker are assholes.

Really?  Please elaborate-did you have a bad experience?  I know a vineyard owner who is thinking of selling to Becker.

[chuck]

It'll tide me over on Horns game days.

There is a VERY active Texas Exes group in NYC that gathers on game days. If you like to watch games in the company of other fans it's a must.

[BizidyDizidy]

I'd be more surprised if I found out there was someone HH got along with.

[HudsonHawk]

My parents know Dr. Becker pretty well and they don't think he's an asshole, though there really is no reason for him to be cruising down 290 in a yellow Maserati.

Don't know who Dr. Becker is.  I'm talking about the people who work at the winery that interact with the public.  Not sure who they are.

Good wine, though.

They have some very good ones.

[HudsonHawk]

I'd be more surprised if I found out there was someone HH got along with.

You're right.  I hate everyone.

[HudsonHawk]

Really?  Please elaborate-did you have a bad experience?  I know a vineyard owner who is thinking of selling to Becker.

They were not very nice when my wife and I visted the winery.  Just my experience.  Yours may be different.

[Bench]

Don't know who Dr. Becker is.  I'm talking about the people who work at the winery that interact with the public.  Not sure who they are.

He owns the place.  I've had mixed experiences with the folks at the counter there, but I've been there plenty of times.

They have some very good ones.

Yep.

[Bench]

There is a VERY active Texas Exes group in NYC that gathers on game days. If you like to watch games in the company of other fans it's a must.

There used to be (and probably still is) a UT bar on the upper east side that my brother used to go to for games.  I think it was on 82nd or 83rd and 3rd.  Unfortunately, that means you have to go the upper east side.

[Taras Bulba]

Alkie needs a weekly vanity column about his experiences there.  It could be titled, "Alkie Goes Native."  Or maybe, "I Wouldn't Screw a Hot Nineteen Year Old Chick from Texas With Hyman Roth's Dick."  

[JackAstro]

Hyman Roth is going to be extremely disappointed when he finds out. Though I guess he's had plenty of time to get used to missing out on things.

[Gizzmonic]

Alkie needs a weekly vanity column about his experiences there.  It could be titled, "Alkie Goes Native."  Or maybe, "I Wouldn't Screw a Hot Nineteen Year Old Chick from Texas With Hyman Roth's Dick."  

Alkie's Complaint?

[MRaup]

Alkie's Complaint?

Anything titled Alkie's Complaint would be longer than everything Noe's ever written combined.

[chuck]

There used to be (and probably still is) a UT bar on the upper east side that my brother used to go to for games.  I think it was on 82nd or 83rd and 3rd.  Unfortunately, that means you have to go the upper east side.

Yes. I've been there plenty of times. It has a smallish basement area, too, right? I remember it being an avenue block or so east of the subway, which means you can't get the hell out of the area quite as fast as you might like.

[Alkie]

Alkie needs a weekly vanity column about his experiences there.  It could be titled, "Alkie Goes Native."  Or maybe, "I Wouldn't Screw a Hot Nineteen Year Old Chick from Texas With Hyman Roth's Dick."  

Because what the site needs is more vanity columns no one reads.

[Bench]

Yes. I've been there plenty of times. It has a smallish basement area, too, right? I remember it being an avenue block or so east of the subway, which means you can't get the hell out of the area quite as fast as you might like.

This is it:  The Backpage.  Ah, the upper east side.  It's frat-tastic.

[Alkie]

This is it:  The Backpage.  Ah, the upper east side.  It's frat-tastic.

Are you joking?  Does this city ever get INconvenient??   I am seriously 4 minutes from this bar via the Crosstown that picks up in front of my apt.

Everyone I know that lived in NYC now lives somewhere else.  I get that winter eats it, but I'm really curious to finally figure out what it is that makes people say "yeah, I can do better than this place."  Because right now, I'm not seein' it.

[Limey]

Because what the site needs is more vanity columns no one reads writes.

FIFY

[Bench]

Are you joking?  Does this city ever get INconvenient??   I am seriously 4 minutes from this bar via the Crosstown that picks up in front of my apt.

Everyone I know that lived in NYC now lives somewhere else.  I get that winter eats it, but I'm really curious to finally figure out what it is that makes people say "yeah, I can do better than this place."  Because right now, I'm not seein' it.

My brother's kids are getting to school age, so unless you can win the school lottery and get your kids into one of the good public schools, or win the state lottery and have the spare million bucks to send your kids to one of the private schools, moving back to Texas becomes more and more attractive.

That being said, while I will love having them closer by, I will miss them living up there as it's an easy excuse to go visit NYC several times a year and catch up with a bunch of my friends who live there. The city is a blast. 

[Alkie]

My brother's kids are getting to school age, so unless you can win the school lottery and get your kids into one of the good public schools, or win the state lottery and have the spare million bucks to send your kids to one of the private schools, moving back to Texas becomes more and more attractive.

If you're saying that this is the real reason to leave NYC, then that makes my day.

[Andyzipp]

If you're saying that this is the real reason to leave NYC, then that makes my day.

The teaming mass of constant activity gets to people after time...I've heard.  The friends I have that live/have lived there and left cite that and the overall expense of everything

I have other friends who love the constant everything about that city.

[Jacksonian]

The teaming mass of constant activity gets to people after time...I've heard.  The friends I have that live/have lived there and left cite that and the overall expense of everything

That was my sister's reasons for leaving.

[HudsonHawk]

The teaming mass of constant activity gets to people after time...I've heard.  The friends I have that live/have lived there and left cite that and the overall expense of everything

I have other friends who love the constant everything about that city.

I think I would tire of NYC for that reason.  One of the things I've really enjoyed about living in West Texas the last 7 months is the slower pace. And the quiet.  And the weather.  And the stars at night.  And the lack of traffic. 

[Duman]

And the stars at night.   

I hear they are clear and bright

[Alkie]

The teaming mass of constant activity gets to people after time...I've heard.  The friends I have that live/have lived there and left cite that and the overall expense of everything

I have other friends who love the constant everything about that city.

That's the reason I'm here.   Things actually happen.   Almost everyone has been EARLY.   Cable guy.   Food delivery.  Furniture delivery (from a store, not our movers).   I love...L O V E...that people here understand that if they aren't moving as fast as possible to take my dollar(s) from me, someone else behind them is happy to.   

ME: I want this done and wish to give you my American currency.
NYC MERCHANT:  I understand.  Here is your good and or service.  I will take your money.
ME: My goodness that was fast.
NYC MERCHANT: <didn't hear me, already delivering the next order>

I fucking love that.  I'll never get over it.   

The other thing that I'm trying to figure out is...this idea that NYC is "so fast."  Is that something that becomes that way or something that just "is" that way?   Reason I ask is...I feel like this city is moving at a perfect pace.   I fucking love that EVERYone is in a hurry and the priority here is on not-impeding-other's-progress.   

[HudsonHawk]

The other thing that I'm trying to figure out is...this idea that NYC is "so fast."  Is that something that becomes that way or something that just "is" that way?   Reason I ask is...I feel like this city is moving at a perfect pace.   I fucking love that EVERYone is in a hurry and the priority here is on not-impeding-other's-progress.   

Good God man, Texas must have been an absolute living hell for you.

[VirtualBob]

That's the reason I'm here.   Things actually happen.   Almost everyone has been EARLY.   Cable guy.   Food delivery.  Furniture delivery (from a store, not our movers).   I love...L O V E...that people here understand that if they aren't moving as fast as possible to take my dollar(s) from me, someone else behind them is happy to.   

ME: I want this done and wish to give you my American currency.
NYC MERCHANT:  I understand.  Here is your good and or service.  I will take your money.
ME: My goodness that was fast.
NYC MERCHANT: <didn't hear me, already delivering the next order>

I fucking love that.  I'll never get over it.   

The other thing that I'm trying to figure out is...this idea that NYC is "so fast."  Is that something that becomes that way or something that just "is" that way?   Reason I ask is...I feel like this city is moving at a perfect pace.   I fucking love that EVERYone is in a hurry and the priority here is on not-impeding-other's-progress.   

Are you telling me you don't miss standing in line forever while the clerk chats aimlessly with the customer in front of you, who (probably) is even more eager to vacate the premises than you are?  Only in Texas.

[Noe]

Anything titled Alkie's Complaint would be longer than everything Noe's ever written combined.

And an oxymoron... while mine is just a plain moron.

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

I've always wanted to live in NYC for at least a year. Still do. I figure after that a year I would want to be somewhere less dense. I like all the things that are available with a large population in a small area but I also like solitude and wide open spaces.

[MusicMan]

has anyone other than alkie ever achieved a tantric orgasm merely by relocating?

[Noe]

Define "relocating".

[Alkie]

Good God man, Texas must have been an absolute living hell for you.

No, it really wasn't/isn't.   But I'll say this, save for a few things, I don't think there's any question NYC is more my taste and speed than Texas.

Look, we love our riverhaus in New Braunfels and I'll enjoy going back there for a week in Novembers and Marches, but I done my sittin' around doin' nothin' with no options for a long fucking time.  I grew up in El Paso remember.   It's like anything, you do something for 20 years, it probably gets old.

I'm more than ready and happy to live in a megalopolis with everything under the sun under my apartment.

[Alkie]

I've always wanted to live in NYC for at least a year. Still do.

Everyone.  Should live.  In NYC.  For a year.

[Bench]

Everyone.  Should live.  In NYC.  For a year.

Speaking of which, what's up with the Grimaldi's in San Antonio?

[Alkie]

Speaking of which, what's up with the Grimaldi's in San Antonio?

More importantly, what's this batshit law here that prohibits Shiner from being sold in NY state?   Apparently one of only three American beers that is still not legal to import into the state.

Kindashitisthat.

[Bench]

More importantly, what's this batshit law here that prohibits Shiner from being sold in NY state?   Apparently one of only three American beers that is still not legal to import into the state.

Kindashitisthat.

Didn't realize it was a legality thing. I figured it just wasn't distributed there.

[Alkie]

Didn't realize it was a legality thing. I figured it just wasn't distributed there.

As I was paying at Hill Country today, the guy made the mistake of asking where I was from. 

Told him and said "so......like.........Big Red but no Shiner?"

And he said "TELL me about it..." and then proceeded to tell me what the deal is and that there's so much pressure that Perry is in on it trying to get the "law" changed so that Shiner can be shipped to NYS.   

Because if you want something done, you need Rick Perry.

[rifraft]

Everyone.  Should live.  In NYC.  For a year.

My wife and I moved to Manhattan 2 years ago.  We have loved every fucking second of it.  The time we waited for 2 hours to get into a paella place in chelsea, we thought we were going to be unhappy with the new yorkness of it, then we had the food and fell in love with the city all over again.

The diversity in restaurants, the cheap eats, the sights, the sounds, the disgusting fucking smells, the subway, the homeless people, the noise, all of it, is part of the experience we've loved. 

If my parents and my in-laws didn't live 3 miles apart in houston, we'd never even think about leaving ny.   

If you want any restaurant recommendations, let me know, my wife spends 3 hours a week finding new places for us to eat, something that is necessary b/c we eat out 4-5 days a week.

[Alkie]

My wife and I moved to Manhattan 2 years ago.  We have loved every fucking second of it.  The time we waited for 2 hours to get into a paella place in chelsea, we thought we were going to be unhappy with the new yorkness of it, then we had the food and fell in love with the city all over again.

The diversity in restaurants, the cheap eats, the sights, the sounds, the disgusting fucking smells, the subway, the homeless people, the noise, all of it, is part of the experience we've loved. 

If my parents and my in-laws didn't live 3 miles apart in houston, we'd never even think about leaving ny.   

If you want any restaurant recommendations, let me know, my wife spends 3 hours a week finding new places for us to eat, something that is necessary b/c we eat out 4-5 days a week.

Thank you very much for this.   I'm glad to see someone who moved up here didn't burn out.   I just don't see what there is to burn out on.

[Bench]

Thank you very much for this.   I'm glad to see someone who moved up here didn't burn out.   I just don't see what there is to burn out on.

My brother and sister-in-law love the place.  I'm skeptical of their plans to move back to Texas.

All of my friends who moved there are still there and wouldn't live anyplace else. 

[Noe]

Thank you very much for this.   I'm glad to see someone who moved up here didn't burn out.   I just don't see what there is to burn out on.

So some "rifraft" says it is fine and you agree.  Oh Alkie, how thou has fallen!

[rifraft]

So some "rifraft" says it is fine and you agree.  Oh Alkie, how thou has fallen!

I forgot to add, living in a cardboard box in central park is a great way to save money....

[Noe]

I forgot to add, living in a cardboard box in central park is a great way to save money....

You sir, earned the coveted Noe nom for a POTWA.

[chuck]

has anyone other than alkie ever achieved a tantric orgasm merely by relocating?

Yo. When I moved to NYC I felt pretty much like Alkie Bodine for a good, long while. I felt tremendous relief more than anything. If you like cities, and I do, NYC is as good a city in the world to explore. In my reasonably varied experience really only London is comparable in terms of scope and diversity.

I always sort of thought the usual adage was terribly wrong. New York sucks as a place to visit but is a great place to live. You can be wholly anonymous. You can find wildly disparate groups of friends. You can eat some of the weirdest shit this side of Asia. But mostly I enjoyed the sensation of being a real (if transplanted) New Yorker while maintaining a sort of sense of other that's inescapable to anyone who's grown up in a place like Texas.

I didn't burn out on the place so much as discover that after the better part of a decade and one very ugly disaster the place that I originally loved was simply not there anymore. How much of that was me changing versus the place changing is hard to say. Some of both, I'm sure.

I also discovered much to my amazement that there are places on earth that do not assess on individuals a state tax, a city tax, a borough tax, a block tax, a bodega tax, a school tax, a truant tax, a fire hydrant tax, a dog pissing on the fire hydrant tax, etc. And then I moved to one.

[Alkie]

I also discovered much to my amazement that there are places on earth that do not assess on individuals a state tax, a city tax, a borough tax, a block tax, a bodega tax, a school tax, a truant tax, a fire hydrant tax, a dog pissing on the fire hydrant tax, etc. And then I moved to one.

Well, I think you had a different reason for bolting.   I think anyone who was here during 9/11 has an automatic good reason for leaving.   That's not burning out, that's a castastrophic event on the highest level.   Also, you didn't leave NYC to move back to Lubbock, you left to go to another country that speaks a different language.   That's not really the folks I was referring to.

I'm talking about the people that move here, spend a few years here, realize that being broke here wasn't the dream they imagined, and move right back home with bags under their eyes and a chip on their shoulder.   

You weren't my example.

[MRaup]

Everyone.  Should live.  In NYC.  For a year.

I don't know what a 3 day long blowjob runs in NYC, but I'm betting Alkie isn't going to run out of money any time soon if the city of NY is footing the bill.

[Alkie]

Depends what part of town you're in.

[JimR]

I hear they are clear and bright

deep in the heart of Texas