By Craig Elliott
Before we get to the Game One preview, let’s pause a minute and consider what the Astros have done so far. All our division and league rivals have been conquered and sent home for the year. The Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Mets, Reds, Dodgers, Cubs – everyone else in the National League – done. Next year when we visit, they have to call us the National League Champion Houston Astros. (Or even better, the World Series Champions).
National League Champion Houston Astros. Oh yeah. There’s a new sheriff in town, boys. Unfortunately, because of marketing agreements and promotional considerations, it’s Sheriff Blaylock. But what the hell, eat some more nachos or something.
I don’t know much about the White Sox, but they sound like a freak show. Ozzie Guillen practices Santeria and hangs with Hugo Chavez. Everyone says A.J. Pierzynski is an asshole. They have Crazy Carl Everett. The White Sox are like the Island of Misfit Toys, except they also kill chickens.
But they destroyed the American League, their last four ALCS starters all went the distance, and their bullpen hasn’t pitched since Labor Day.
Saturday, October 22, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox
Where: U.S. Cellular Field
I think technically it’s called New Comiskey, but its corporate whore-name is Cellular.
They’ve been giving out Ozzie Guillen masks all over town, so don’t be surprised if the stands look like Lima Time multiplied by Chicago. This is the city’s first World Series in 46 years, which seems roughly equal to the same time Houston has waited. But you have to remember that Houston only has one baseball team, and Chicago has one and a half.
And by the way, the Cubs are totally fucked now because if they ever do find a lucky goat again, Ozzie Guillen will just cut its heart out and drape its entrails around Wrigley like Venezuelan bunting.
In fact, they thought about having Ozzie sacrifice a virgin before the World Series, but nobody wanted to drive to Wisconsin to get one.