It must be throwback time, what with the Shitbirds in town and all. Dark Star even hauled me out of my cryogenic chamber to jump-start the festivities. And it’s a good thing, too, because let me tell you, that stasis chamber needed airing out. It was starting to smell like every fat-ass Designated Hitter in the league had spent the night in my room after an all-you-can-eat buffet at Dante Bichette’s Bean-O-Rama and Garlic Palace.
But to be honest with you, I’m not sure I could even rustle up enough air to puff a weak fart in the Cardinals’ direction anymore. I’d give it a good effort, but I might accidentally shart instead (which is more productive and what they actually deserve) but I don’t have any Jake jerseys handy to wipe with.
I mean, really, who gives a shit about the fucking Cardinals now? I still say fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads – you know, just on general principle – but the passion just isn’t there. It’s just a reflex. They don’t even LaGenius to hate anymore.
Hell, for that matter, it’s hard to even get fired up about the Astros. I can’t watch them on TV. And I don’t mean “Ugh, these guys suck, I can’t fucking watch this.” I mean it as, “Where the fuck are the Astros? They aren’t even on my goddamn TV anymore. I’ve got 9,000 fucking channels and not one of them has the Astros.” So everything I learn about the team, I get from reading you guys.
It’s not like I’ve given up, though. I’ll always be a fan, and the Rangers can always go fuck themselves. And if Dark Star wants to wheel me out of storage once in a while to tell fart jokes about the dumbass Jakes, I’ll try to provide a blast of hot air. And if I accidentally blow mud … well, he’s also got me scheduled for a Cincinnati series in September, so all we need is a bowl of noodles.
Minute Maid Park
Tuesday, June 25, 7:10 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 26, 7:10 p.m. CDT
Speaking of throwbacks, I remember way back in the olden days of writing series previews, when I lived on the other side of the fucking country, this was the spot on the page where I’d list the various broadcast channels, cable channels, satellite channels, and premium channels where you and I could watch the Astros. On television. In our very own living rooms. Someday you can tell your grandkids about it, and they’ll think you’re either senile or a goddamn liar, and send your ass to the old folks home. Hopefully the rest home will at least have the correct cable package for watching ballgames.
Giveaways? Under this management? They can’t even get the fucking games on TV, so don’t even think you’re going to get a free tote bag or bobblehead or whatever the fuck. And if they did have a giveaway, it would be for the goddamn Jake fans, since there will be more of them in the stands. Hell, if this were a Red Sox series they’d get a Neil Diamond concert and fireworks show.
Actually, there is one thing that will be freely given today, and that’s boos for Carlos Beltran. Well, if anyone in the stands remembers who he is. He was that fucking Mets knob who struck out looking to end the 2006 NLCS. And some bullshit a year before that, but I can’t remember what. By the way, the Whore is 0-for-5 against both Astros pitchers in this series.
Jake Westbrook (3-2, 1.76) v. Lucas Harrell (5-7, 4.32)
Westbrook is making his third start after coming off the DL. Jose Altuve is 3-for-7 against him. Carlos Pena has faced Westbrook more than all the other Astros put together, going 11-for-38 with six doubles and four homers, though a lot of that was probably so long ago, the majority of the Astros were still playing T-ball.
All the Cardinals have seen Harrell, and most of them have liked what they’ve seen. Especially David Freese, Allen Craig, and Yadda Yadda Yadda.
Lance Lynn (10-1, 3.42) v. Eric Bedard (2-3, 4.43)
Lynn is 4-0 against the Astros with a 1.42 ERA. The only Astro who has more than one hit against him is Brett Wallace, and, well, you know, he’s not really available. Everyone sucks against Lynn, but Justin Maxwell is especially bad, going 0-for-6 with four strikeouts. Is he even still on the team? I can’t keep up with all these roster moves.
Everyone on the Cardinals has seen Bedard, and done pretty well against him. Matt Holliday is 8-for-20 against him and Allen Craig and Yadda Yadda both have homers. Oh, and so does Ty Wigginton. Ty Wigginton? Damn, I guess all the old Astros pass through St. Louis before they retire. Next thing you know, Twinkie will be a Ranger and Roy will be a Rukkake.
St. Louis – Most of the Cardinals I’ve heard of are all out for the season, those being Chris Carpenter, Jaime Garcia, Jason Motte, and Rafael Furcal. Holy shit, Rafael Furcal? Really? My how time flies. It seems like just yesterday he was being sent to jail after the Astros eliminated the Braves from the playoffs. Oh, where does the time go?
Also, two Cardinals I never heard of – Salas and Gast – are on the DL. Whatever.
Houston – Gonzales, Crowe, and White are on the DL. I’m not sure who they are, but I hope they get better. I mean get well.
Balls in the Dirt
* Hey, speaking of old Astros, I went to a couple of Arkansas Travelers games this month and saw Tim Bogar and Mike Hampton. Bogar is the manager and Hampton is pitching coach. Hampy still has that silky smooth glide when he’s walking to and from the mound, with his head down and short steps. He’s clean-shaven though, so I almost didn’t recognize him. Bogar looks the part of hard-ass manager – he argues with the umps like a boss.
* I love most of the sweet new uniforms the Astros are wearing – they’re throwbacks that actually flew in a circle until they were new again. But look, that DayGlo orange shit they wore in Chicago has got to go. Those bright-ass jerseys look like something a goddamn New York Met would wear, for fuck’s sake. The only time a man should wear something that orange is when he is hunting deer.
*** BREAKING NEWS UPDATE ***
Former Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood found a dead body while paddleboarding in a Chicago harbor today. Wood did not touch the deceased person, but suffered a separated shoulder while paddling over to investigate. He also blew out his right elbow while calling 9-1-1. Both Wood and the cadaver will be sent to Dr. Andrews for reconstructive surgery. The cadaver is expected to report to spring training and will most likely begin the 2014 season at Iowa, with a probable mid-season call-up to the Cubs.
Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.