By Craig Elliott
Now that the Astros have eliminated the entire NL East, and the Jakes performed a mercy killing on the pathetic NL West, we can finally get back down to business. A best-of-seven series with the fucking shitbird Jakes.
But this time we’ve got Starin’ Andy on the hill in Game One, and the Astros are riding that wave of Holy Fucking Shit. It’s hard to believe we got not one, but THREE more Great Astro Homers in one game. All in the 8th inning or later. And Bobby Cox had to watch every fucking one of them.
Meanwhile, the Jakes destroyed the Padres and have been laser-focused on getting back to the World Series this year. Or at least that’s what their website says. (Do you guys realize that when I write these previews, I have to go to the other team’s website and root around in the muck? I walk in the shit so you don?t have to.)
Anyway, we’re back for the rematch and a long-ass series, so put on your good-luck gear and clear the living room. It’s League Championship time, and Houston Astros baseball is on the air!
Wednesday, October 12, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox/FX
Where: Old ‘n Busted Busch Stadium
We all knew that a successful Astros playoff run would go through Busch, and now it’s time to knock that fucker down and piss on the stinking rubble. We just need to make sure we don’t leave Lance Berkman out there still wandering the bases.
There’ll be a sea of bright red fans for the next two days, so I’ll just mention the same thing I said last year at this time, because it’s oddly comforting. Somewhere today, maybe even at Busch, there are St. Louis fans wearing my farts. Because whenever I’m at the St. Louis airport, I make it a point to accidentally back my ass into the rack of Co-Ard T-shirts, and leave a little sump’n sump’n.
And by the way, if any St. Louis fans are reading this, I always anoint the shirts that are solid red. Hope you don’t have any of those.
Andy Pettitte (17-9, 2.37 regular season) v. Chris Carpenter (21-5, 2.83 regular season)
Andy is 14-8 in 31 career postseason games with an ERA of 4.04. Against the Jakes he’s 1-1 lifetime, and 0-1 this year. But in three appearances against St. Louis this year, he’s got a 1.35 ERA, allowing just 3 earned runs in 20 innings. That includes 13 hits, 3 walks, and 11 strikeouts.
Current Turdinals go 32-for-154 against Andy for a .208 average. Reggie Sanders and Cathead Walker are both 3-for-7 against him, with two homers from Sanders and one from Cat Piss. PooHoles is 2-for-12 (.167) against Andy, and Anaheim Jimmy is 3-for-30 (.100). Grudzielanek is 7-for-19 (.368) with a homer.
Carpenter is 4-0 against the Astros this year, and 4-1 overall. His ERA against us this year is 1.85 in 5 appearances, which includes 8 earned runs, 32 hits, 5 walks, and 31 strikeouts in 39 innings. But he only had one win in his last five regular season starts, including an outing against Houston where he gave up five earned runs in six innings.
Current ‘Stros are 47-for-196 (.240) against Carpenter, with three homers from Lance Berkman and one from Mike Lamb. Our best hitter against Carpenter is Craig Biggio, who is 8-for-22 (.364). Lamb is 6-for-18 (.333) with four doubles, and Ensberg is 5-for-18 with one double. Willy T is 4-for-18 (.222) and Berkman is 4-for-15 (.267).
Players to Watch:
* Andy Pettitte and Chris Carpenter should have a heck of a duel today. The sooner we knock out Carpenter, the sooner LaGenius starts dicking with his bullpen. I’m all for that.
* We’re going to see a lot of hairy-ass faces for the next few days, because several players on both teams are swearing off the razor. LaRussa can’t grow a beard though, because it might scratch PooHoles’ balls.
Houston – Andy Pettitte has a touch of the flu, but luckily it’s not the Redbird Flu. (Redbird Flu only strikes during the World Series. Symptoms include choking, gagging, dementia, swollen lips, and odorous urine. Typically only lasts four games.)
In other roster news, Luke Scott got dropped for this series, and Ezequiel Astacio was added. Can’t wait for the world to see Zeke in Hi-Def.
St. Louis – Scott Rolen, Mike Lincoln, and Al Reyes are over and out.
* Just for the record, this is my 100th preview over the past three seasons. That’s roughly 90,000 words, or the length of a novel. Christ, I could have been famous by now.
* The ALCS broadcasters seemed amazed that before Game One, Jose Contreras was warming up with a softball. It didn’t surprise me, that being the American League and all.
* If Dude who caught both homers in Game Four really gives back the balls, I think he should get season tickets for life. In that very seat. I mean, come on, that guy and that seat are golden. The only stipulations are that he must attend every home game, and he must be there by the end of batting practice so the Astros can wander by and rub his head for luck.